It’s time to start dragging Bush Republicans out of their homes and urinating on their faces. If that is not possible, we should hold them down and rub human feces on their heads. Let’s just get this shit over with. They hate America and are doing everything they can to obliterate our future. They are corrupt, vile, devious creatures who deserve nothing but scorn and hate. What got me so riled up - besides tons of caffeine? Bush’s latest attempt to destroy solar energy. It’s pretty fucking amazing, considering the current state we find ourselves in.

I’ll get to the new solar bullshit in a minute, but first we should take a little trip into the past, back 10 years ago, when our government destroyed a U.S. owned wind power company. Ever heard of a company called Kenetech Windpower, formerly known as U.S. Windpower? No? That’s because it doesn’t exist anymore. Once it was the nation’s largest wind power producer, then our government murdered it.

Stanley Charren, who saw a future in wind as a power source, created U.S. Windpower in 1974. It began producing first generation wind turbines in the 80s. The company began attracting the biggest and smartest minds of alternative energy from around the world. They were leaders of wind power technology across the globe, which meant a U.S. owned company was poised to make a difference in alternative energy. Basically, they were kicking ass and taking numbers.

But the company was obviously fighting an uphill battle against Reagan retardation. (That’s the actual technical term.) Ronnie did everything he could to make sure alternative energy did not harm sweet, sweet Republican oil profits. He slowly repealed tax breaks and entitlements for wind power – but left the good old tax breaks for oil. Go figure.

And yet, U.S. Windpower kept moving forward. The company renamed itself Kenetech and had long-term contracts with California that kept it crawling along. Then Kenetech had a break through: Model 33M-VS.

In 1991, Kenetech’s California contracts ran out, but the company struggled along – without the tax breaks given to big oil and even though oil prices were plummeting. The company began landing other large contracts with states like Maine and foreign countries, like Canada and Ukraine. Kenetech was also developing projects in Spain, Holland, the United Kingdom, Germany, Honduras, Costa Rica, New Zealand, India, China, Guatemala, and Egypt. A U.S. alternative energy company was poised to become a major global player. But our government wasn’t big on the idea.

In 1995, (Yeah, that’s Clinton’s time, dipshits. He was a Republican who called himself a Democrat) the EPA and the BLM suspended construction on a Kenetech wind-farm project in western Wyoming. Why? Turns out the EPA needed to complete an “environmental impact statement.” It was necessary because Clinton was a corporate whore who got on his knees and gobbled for every big company that came around. That was August 1995.

Turns out that if a struggling company is developing a large wind farm and you pull the rug out from under them, they fail. Kenetech declared bankruptcy in May 1996. In 1999 another company, Tacoma Power, completed the Wyoming Wind Project. The Foote Creeke Rim is one of the windiest places in the US.

Now, you’re probably asking why this is such a big deal. An American company called Tacoma Power developed the wind farm in the end, so it ends will, right? Wrong. What happened was Reagan and Clinton combined to destroy an American company that was the leader in wind power technology. After the destruction of Kenetech, the torch was passed to European companies, like Vestas, who are now the leaders of wind power technology. Americans could be building the fucking things and leading the way, but we're not.

We still have GE, but that has not stopped European companies from pouring into the country and consolidating control of U.S. renewable energy space. We are now back in the pack. We should have been first. Reagan killed the tax cuts and Clinton landed the final blow.

But why stop at just wind power? We are America, after all. We can't lead the pack in anything. Not with the retards we call leaders. Yes, our wonderful president, George Bush, is attacking solar power with the exact same plan.

How many American companies will die a miserable death because of this move? How will it affect America’s standing in this burgeoning solar market? How will if effect the amount we pay for energy?

Oh, and don’t forget that Republicans are blocking Congress from renewing tax credits from solar companies, while blocking the elimination of tax breaks for oil companies.

The Bureau of Land Management owns 650 million acres of land, much of that in the hot west. It is the most valuable land in terms of solar energy potential. Bush just destroyed the solar business in the U.S. This is another epic disaster from the Bush White House.

Guten Morgen! Aujourd'hui est le Roundup de los Asshole Fuckfaces! How great is that? Yes, we have survived another week and now our eyes can feast on the most horrible people on Earth. For centuries my pale ancestors have scoured the planet looking for the worst of the worst. When found, they are pointed out and mocked for their general heinousness. If it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be able to feel incredibly superior – and life would be very, very sad. Knowing you are better than others is what makes life worth living. Gandhi said that. (He was pretty drunk at the time.) So, put on your favorite plastic moo moo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, we won’t have many more months of President Asshole Fuckface, so we may as well get a few in before he goes.

Let’s face it, George Bush should not talk. Ever. When he opens his mouth, a delightful bouquet of retardation and white-frat-guy talk spills out. It’s especially wonderful when it occurs in front of another head of state. Like, Philippines President Gloria Arroyo, for instance.



Ah, yes. I can’t wait until he meets with the Mexican President and tells him how great the gardner is. Bush should have “Rich White Guy” branded on his forehead.

And I wish we were done with Bush after that gaff, but this being the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, you can always count on more.

Way back in April, 2007, the Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency has the authority and must act to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. The court ruled that the EPA has to determine whether or not greenhouse gases contribute to climate change. Up until that ruling, the EPA had been doing nothing. Environmentalists were very excited.

Over a year later, nothing has happened. It seems the Bush White House decided to ignore the Supreme Court. They just blew it off – or did they? It turns out the White House is actually smarter than everybody.

Wait, what? So, the White House, the president of the United States of America, the most powerful country on Earth, just stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed? Really? Holy shit. Just when you think they can’t get more retarded, they pull something like this out of their asshole.

The White House knew what was in the email, but it didn’t jive with their Asshole Fuckface view of the world, so they ignored it.

One EPA employee quit over this situation. He couldn’t deal with the fact that our president just won’t answer emails – probably because that’s the kind of shit you do in the 7th grade.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, a little more Bush government fuckfacery.

The scary thing about Democrats, like Obama, being complicit in the Republican movement to undermine our civil rights, is not how it may effect you and I, but how it will effect journalism. Some of you may not know that in April, the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Department of Homeland Security can now take all the information off your electronic devices when you enter the country. That means you computer, your iPhone, your Blackberry, or any other device you own that stores information.

Freelance journalist Bill Hogan just experienced the joy of our new USSR type security. Hogan is a senior fellow at the Center for Public Integrity, has worked as a CBS News consultant, editor of Regardie’s magazine in Washington and Washington editor of Mother Jones magazine. He recently wrote stories about the origins of the Iraq war and the impact of money in presidential politics. He’s what’s known as “liberal media,” or more appropriately, he’s a journalist who finds the truth. And now he’s on some sort of “take his shit” list.

Nice. Feel free to let me know how something like this is able to go on in a democracy. Specifically, our democracy under our Constitution. Oh, right, both parties are okey-dokey with this kind of shit.

Of course, customs officials won’t say how many computers, storage drives, cell phone and Blackberrys have been impounded and what happens to them after they are taken. They also passed on testifying at a recent Senate hearing, although they were able to scribble the Senate a little message.

Right. Thanks for that. And thanks for checking out the computer of that journalist who recently wrote about the run up to the Iraq War. I can’t wait for the days when they can read my thoughts with a machine. I won’t be able to leave my house. (I want to shit on people.)

But hey, maybe the only decent Senator left can do something about it. Good luck with that. Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t know how to swim.

Meet Kasey Edwards, 18, of Okeechobee, Florida. He likes to drink beer and then take a dip in the local canals.

Hey, what do you bet that’s about to change? Last weekend, Edwards was drinking beers with some buddies when he decided he was going to swim in the canal. His friends thought it was a very bad idea, because of these things called “alligators.” They tried to talk him out of it, but Kasey is an Asshole Fuckface, so he started swimming across the canal.

No shit. What a fucking shock. Edwards grabbed onto a buoy line to avoid being pulled under and fought with the gator. He was eventually able to poke the beast in the eye. The gator let go and Edwards started to swim away.

Oops. Edwards swam to shore, where his friends did what they could to stop the bleeding and called paramedics. Hopefully, someone also said, “Nice one, Fuckface.”

Now, you may be wondering why Kasey is in the Roundup, after all he made a mistake and paid for it. Well, Kasey then opened his fucking pie hole and words came out.

Right. God. Hey, Kasey, did you ever think God was trying to turn you into a gator meal? You know, because you’re an Asshole Fuckface with no brain in your head? And he let you take a night swim in gator canal? No?

Edwards said his attack shows something needs to be done about the overpopulation of gators.

Holy fucking shit. Way to take responsibility for your actions. I think there is an overpopulation of Asshole Fuckfaces. Seriously, Kasey, there are plenty of people in burn wards who could use your skin and many people who need your organs. Just give them away, that way you can be slightly useful.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces have Octopus-like defense mechanisms.



Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each will receive a FearTheReaper bobble head!

There are a couple of reasons why gas prices are shooting through the roof. One, is obviously because oil companies get to make a shit load of money and they know our current government won’t do anything about it. Another reason is because the oil companies want to drill in places they can’t. They want access to coastal areas and parts of Alaska that are currently off limits. With skyrocketing oil prices, they believe Americans will support new Congressional laws to allow offshore drilling. It’s really an awesome win-win for the douchebag oil companies.

Sure enough, a new Rasmussen poll came out this weekend claiming “67% support offshore drilling, 64% expect it will lower prices.” If true, those people are obviously retarded. Anyone who believes allowing drilling off the coast of any state will decrease gas prices is a fucking moron. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case I was too subtle; if you believe drilling off the coast of any state will lead to a drop in prices you are an incredible retard. Got it? Super, let’s move on.

Of course, the Rasmussen poll was a complete pile of shit, because it was a push poll. Check out the second question asked.

Um. Hey, Rasmussen, drilling won’t reduce the price, so why are you asking the question like that? Someone slip a check into your dirty little hands?

I’m a crazy environmentalist. I’d rather you die than an acre of land destroyed. I think you are less important. Deal with it. But this isn’t an environmental argument, it’s common sense.

First of all, offshore oil drilling only makes sense when prices are high. You know why? Turns out it’s expensive to drill in the fucking ocean.

Remember the Texas oil boom of the seventies, when prices were sky high, and then they crashed and it wasn’t profitable to drill for oil anymore? Yeah, same thing. Prices will go down because this is an oil bubble, just like the stock bubble and the housing bubble.

If our oil offshore were to have an effect on gas prices, there would need to be a shitload of it out there. There is not.

Weeehooooooo! Let’s get that shit! We might save a whole 5 cents at the pump!

Those 16 billion barrels would give us 2.5 years worth of oil – under today’s usage. In 10 to 20 years, when we actually would begin using that oil, it would obviously be a lot less. Sound good? Yeah? Well, how about this?

The Energy Industry Administration believes allowing drilling off the coast won’t offset prices at the pump until 2030. How fucking awesome is that? Of course, I’ve learned not to believe any government agency that exists under Bush, so it’s probably more like 2040. There are quite a few problems involved in getting oil right now.

Just having the oil doesn’t mean you can get the oil. Turns out we’ve got a ship problem. A shortage of ships used for deep-water offshore drilling promises to impede any rapid turnaround in oil exploration and supply.

But the oil companies don’t care about that because they don’t want to open up the offshore areas for drilling now, they want it for the future. If they wanted to drill for oil now to alleviate our gas problem, they could drill in areas where they already have access. And they have plenty of land to drill in.

Nice. And it won’t stop them from getting Americans riled up to drill offshore.

Right. See, the oil companies aren’t making enough profit to go after the oil where it would be more expensive to get, in the places they already have access to, they want it easy and close to home. And the right wing is attempting to use the current crisis – created by Bush de-regulation – to get their hands on the coasts.

Maybe if Exxon would actually pay damages owed from the Valdez spill, they might be allowed to lease new land. But 20 years after the spill, Exxon seems to finally have won their battle in the courts this week - destroying the lives of many, many people. Lesson learned. The oil companies can go fuck themselves. If they wanted to get at our coasts, they wouldn't have fought that lawsuit all the way to the Supreme Court.

Most importantly, opening up new areas for drilling is backward thinking. The time has come to move away from gas. Some countries are moving quickly to alleviate the energy problem.

What a bunch of dicks. We didn’t kill them all and then re-plant, just to have them turn their backs on our oil companies. Or course, here in the US, we are dragging our feet.

Take your time, kids. While they are at it, the right wing is lying through their assholes. Check out Chris Wallace on Fox this weekend – and be sure to stick around to the end for the name of the segment’s sponsor.

Wallace lied, plain and simple. Katrina did extensive damage to oil platforms and refineries. Here are some pretty pictures of the oil spills from space. The right wing is shameless. Either that or Chris Wallace is a lying douchbag. Wait! Maybe it’s both!

And it was far from the only one.

And they think we should open up areas off Florida to drilling? Really? I have a question: Do hurricanes ever not hit Florida?

Anyone who thinks that opening up these areas to drilling will lead to a big drop in prices is a simplistic monkey. It will make no difference. This plan is only for the oil companies and the play is being made now because Bush is leaving office, with a high chance of a Democrat taking over.

And if you’re wondering how much oil is in ANWR– it’s half of the estimated 16 billion barrels offshore, which makes ANWR even more ridiculous an argument to make. If we did allow companies to drill in all these locations, the total estimated saving is….$2.25 per barrel. That’s 6 cents a gallon, or as it is known by non-retards, horseshit.

I completely get why the oil companies make this type of push. It’s what companies do. And Republicans solely serve the interests of big business, so they are also acting as they should. But the everyday idiot on the street spouting this as a solution is a fucking tool. So, next time you hear some right wing moron tell you we need to open up our coastlines and environmentally sensitive areas of Alaska, tell them to go fuck themselves. And kindly explain that they are retarded.

The current Democrats are the weakest, most spineless fucks ever to grace the halls of Congress. After months of attempting destroy the 4th amendment, it seems they have finally succeeded – and their reasoning is more disgusting than the Republicans. Democrats are destroying the Constitution to gain a few votes in swing states. At least the Republicans stand for something, as vile and sickening as it may be.

In case you hadn’t heard, the House passed a FISA bill last week. Headlines could have easily read, “George Bush Wet Dream Turns Out To Be True.” The bill gives immunity to telecom companies who broke the law and expands warrantless wiretapping. That’s exactly why Americans gave Congress back to the Dems in 2006 – so they could help Bush use the Constitution as toilet paper.

Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s what Republicans said about the bill:

Holy fucking shit. “Better deal than they even had hoped to get.” Why not just say,

Even I am shocked at how the Democrats appear to be totally spineless, completely fearful and entirely lacking principles. They embody everything the Founding Fathers were opposed to. A party like the Republicans was expected, which is why the framers created a system that would put a stop to their insane power grab. What was not expected was that the opposing party would go along to gain a few votes and to pad the bank accounts of corporations.

So, what did the Dems give up? Well, the President broke the law – apparently committing these things called “felonies.” Bush spied on our phone calls and emails without warrants because he believes he is above the law. The House voted to protect the President from prosecution, permanently block lawsuits that would have revealed what he did and at the same time, legalized the illegal spying in the past and in the future. House Democrats called it a “compromise.”

This is the kind of compromise where you don’t want to have sex with someone, so you let them fuck you in the ass. The Democratic version of “compromise” always means the Republicans get what they want. In this case, only one Republican voted against the bill. One the other hand, 105 Democrats “compromised.” They were totally bipartisan! Yeah, Washington!

Senator Russ Feingold said it best…

Well, don’t worry about that, because the Dems got their buddy telecom companies a "get out of jail free" card.



Hey, no worries. I’m sure the Founding Fathers would have been totally cool with the President opening and copying every piece of mail they received from overseas. Why would they have a problem with that? When has that kind of power ever been abused?

Here’s how this is going to work from now on: Our courts can no longer determine if the government was actually after a terrorist or innocent Americans - or opposing political parties. (You fucking retards.) Judges will actually be barred from examining the actual reasons for the spying. Judges will only be allowed to dismiss lawsuits based on spying – the Attorney General will have all the power to say whether or not the spying was "designed to prevent or detect a terrorist attack." This would be the same Attorney General who can’t figure out if waterboarding is torture – or whether or not members of the Bush White House are in contempt for refusing to testify in front of Congress. Yeah, that guy. The Dems just gave that guy all the power.

Once the Attorney General utters the secret words, judges cannot look into the issue any further. It’s pure lawlessness – like the Wild West, without those oppressive Sheriffs. Judges don’t get to actually decide whether or not the Attorney General is making a valid claim. Once he says the secret words, it’s over.

And bestest of all, the Dems did it to pick up a few seats. Right now they have a 35 seat majority in the House and they want to build that shit up to 50. So, fuck the Constitution, let’s get some Dems up in that bitch!

Phew! Thank God you made those districts competitive!

This is a fantastically moronic view of where the country is at this time. Dems made massive, nearly unparalleled pick ups in 2006 – because Americans want the Bush White House to be held in check, yet the Democratic answer is to give him everything he wants, so they won’t lose seats in the next election. They are so cowardly and stupid it is shocking. Karl Roves entire election strategy in 2006 was built upon FISA and national security, attempting to brand the Dems as weak on terrorism. And yet, the Democrats cleaned the GOPs clock. Republicans were obliterated. And apparently the Democrats learned nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Democrats believe the way to show how awesome they are, is to trample on the Constitution. Trampling isn’t even the right word. This is obliteration.

And just to add a little icing on the coward cake, they took a page out of the Patriot Act handbook. House members were only given 24 hours to read the bill and decide on whether or not they should shit all over our rights. Just seems like a few years ago Democrats were complaining loudly they were only given 24 hours to read the Patriot Act before voting on it. And now they are doing it to themselves on a bill that also destroys our civil rights. Well done.

Our neo-con morons will say this bill was necessary, because we need to prevent another 9/11 before it occurs. They argue that if the telecoms aren’t given immunity, they won’t want to help us catch terrorists. Everyone seems to forget that the warrantless wiretapping program started BEFORE 9/11. I’m going to write that again, for the idiots. The warrantless wiretapping program started before 9/11. Got it, you fucking dipshit? (Not you, the idiot who believes the Bush bullshit. The coward who is willing to throw out everything this country stands for, so they can feel save in a place that will never be attacked, like Alaska.)

By the sounds of it, Dems have enough votes to overcome a Dodd/Feingold filibuster. Obama is coming in soft on this one. Previously he vowed to do all he could to stop the bill, now he is basically saying we need the bill, although he has said he will try to get the amnesty removed. Either way, if the bill passes and Obama votes for it, I will not vote for him for President. Sorry, can’t support someone who tosses away the 4th Amendment. Hello Jesse Johnson!

In the future, you will turn on the news and hear a court dismissed all the lawsuits against telecoms. You won’t know why. You won’t know what the government said to have the cases tossed. The plaintiff’s lawyers won’t know either. The judge won’t be able to say a word. No one will know. Just Bush and his boys. Ah, sweet democracy – given to you by the Democrats.

Feel free to take a look at this video of George Washington University Law Professor Jonathan Turley (far from a liberal) as he describes what this bill does to our Constitution.

Way to go Democrats. Don’t forget to donate to the Dems this elections cycle. They know you will, because they know you fear the other side more. Too bad there really isn’t much of a difference. Oh, wait, there is. One party is full of complete and total cowards who have no principles. The other stands for what they believe in.

You can still call or email your Senator to put a stop to this bill. If you don't know what to say or write, check this shit out.

Now that we are in the middle of an energy disaster brought on by years of idiotic energy policy that were begun under the Grand Retard, Ronald Reagan, let’s take a look at what Jimmy Carter wanted to do. We didn’t do much of it, because Carter told Americans the truth and we cried like fucking babies and continued to shit our pants. If we had listened to Carter, we’d be toilet trained by now. Instead, we are living in the most horribly shit-in diapers of all time. And it’s pretty much all the fault of the right wing.

Carter delivered an energy speech on July 15, 1979. At the time, things were not looking good. The US was being hit by record high energy prices, severe energy shortages, and a recession. (Sound familiar?) People were pissed at Carter, causing his approval ratings to plummet to Bush-like depths. Imagine that. A president as unpopular as Bush. So, Carter gave a speech, during which he asked the American people to adapt to the energy crisis, its limits and to chance our ways.

Carter said, "Human identity is no longer defined by what one does but by what one owns." He was right, of course. But Carter didn’t have the ability to convince his fellow lawmakers to make the tough choices. He was labeled a “pessimist.” Naturally, for every pessimist, there is an optimist. In this case, it was Ronald Reagan. Reagan blew hot wind up America’s ass and we went right back to our destructive ways. Reagan was a pretty fucking stupid human being. As matter of fact, he was shockingly stupid. Had we listened to Carter and accepted a bit of personal responsibility, we might not be driving rapidly toward a cliff today.

The problems Carter identified in his speech were our dependence on oil and the connection among consumption, energy use, and environmental change. Sound familiar?

Here are some highlights from Jimmy Carter’s “Crisis of Confidence” Speech.

And no. Not only will we, but we’ll use more and more and more. Jimmy didn’t really foresee the right wing jerk off transportation vessel called The Hummer and the murder of alternative energy.

Good luck with that.

Could you imagine if we had the intelligence to follow through with this? Twenty-percent solar? We’d be a tad better off. Carter was saying we needed the largest “peacetime commitment of funds” because our path would obviously lead to wars. And it has. And it will lead to more, and eventually a world war.

Uh. Okay. Not so great. Coal’s a bit of a bummer. But it is preferable to being controlled by OPEC and having to take over countries like Iraq and Afghanistan in order to keep our gluttonous habits going. Carter was actually successful with this one. He reduced the percentage of oil used in our electricity production from 20% to 3%. He also expanded the Clean Air Act to combat the effects of coal power generation.

Anyone want to guess when the last refinery was built in the US? Try 32 years. That's the free market kicking ass and taking numbers. Although, South Dakota is now threatening to build one. That would be 1 in 32 years.

No fucking shit. This is the point where I want to dig up guys like Reagan, just to shit on their head. Personal fucking responsibility is the great enemy of right-wingers. Reagan killed all the tax credits that would have allowed people to "build conservation into their homes."

Whoa! Public transportation! Now close your eyes and imagine every city with a working subway system, or rail line. Mmmm. Carter. Jimmy also pushed for fuel economy standards in cars to reduce oil consumption. Republicans fought back. And they created tax rebates for giant SUVs and Hummers.

No shit. But that’s not the Republican way. The Republican way is to get more money into the pockets of oil companies. Every step outlined above takes money away from the oil boys. So, when Reagan took over, he slowly eliminated anything that would have led us away from a path of energy independence.

Instead of confronting the problem head on, Reagan chose to mock Carter. He went after the president, claiming he blamed the American people for the energy crisis – because Carter had the gall to ask Americans to sacrifice and conserve. It was, quite simply, a moron vs. a thinking man.

And that has been the right wing stance ever since. Conservatives have no ability to comprehend complex answers to the energy challenges we face. It’s like trying to talk to a cat about math. So, when you hear a Republican telling us how we should drill off the coast of our country, please urinate on their face. Because drilling was their answer to the crisis in the 70s and we did it. It has not helped. No one should ever listen to a Republican when it comes to energy. There is only one answer: Invest in alternative energy now.

If a right wing asshole attempts to open his pork rind hole, tell him the story of the solar panels on the White House. Jimmy Carter had them installed during his presidency. Reagan then had them torn down. He also killed off tax cuts for solar power and gutted our solar research program. How’d that work out? Oh, I can tell you. Two of the solar researchers he fired went on the win Nobel prizes – in other fields. Because he was a Class A fucking idiot.

Sometimes the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is the worst thing that will happen to you all month. This is one of those Roundups. It is going to be a horrible experience. I am warning you to turn around now. Walk away from your computer and go outside. The events and villains I am going to expose in this article are horrible. They are beasts committing cowardly and disturbing acts; in other words, they are Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your plastic wrap and prepare to be saddened beyond repair.

First up, my weekly update on Republican Asshole Fuckface racism.

I expect to be writing a blurb like this every week, because Republicans think they are being funny and amusing – but that's because they only hang out with other white people. Now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, their acts are being exposed. Certainly they are confused, after all, this is the kind of shit they have been saying to their buddies for years and no one said a peep. But now suddenly, it is being pointed out as racist and horrible, which is probably causing extreme confusion. “It’s just a joke.” I’m sure they will be saying that over and over and over until November.

Texas Republicans held their convention last week and it was a doosey. Check out some of the hilarious paraphernalia one could purchase.



Weeeeeeee. Get it? The house is white, but Obama is black. Not only incredibly clever, but enlightening to boot.

But, hey, conservatives can do worse, like this Asshole Fuckface editor.

Wesley Pruden is a former editor of the Washington Times, a newspaper that is somehow less respected than the SG Newswire. He also comes from a great family. When Dwight Eisenhower sent troops to Arkansas to protect black students who were integrating into Little Rock Central High School, Wesley’s Dad yelled,

Nice. So, it’s no surprise that Wesley wrote a column this week that started with this gem.

Oh. My. God. I wish I had AIDS, so I could put it in your bottom, Wesley. Deep into your bottom. It would be a gift from a straight guy, though, which is weird. The article was, of course, about global warming. Natural transition.

I hope you enjoyed the humorous section of the Roundup, because it’s about to move into the realm of completely horrible. I’m calling it “kid’s week.” Let’s start with a dude who isn’t a good babysitter.

Meet Alan Baxter. He’s a 20-year-old dude who loves breasts – and nothing to going to stop him from seeing sweet titties, not even the young girl he was supposed to be watching.

Fuck yeah. Look, when I have to see titties, I have to see titties. Ain’t nothing keeping me away from seeing what I’ve got to see. It’s called being a man.

Like you do for a dog. That’s nice.

Like I said, he’s a man. What do you expect him to be doing? It’s not even his kid. His girlfriend gave him 20 bucks to take the kid out for dinner while she was working. Do you know how many titties you can see for 20 bucks? One, actually – but that’s not the point.

Nice. Police said the little girl was “very hungry.” No word on whether or not Baxter had an erection.

Baxter has nothing on our next Asshole Fuckface.

What does a father do when he is addicted to drugs and can’t get a prescription? Well, he drives his daughter to a hospital parking lot and then gets down to business.

Um. How’s your drug addiction going, Bobby? Seriously, that’s the worst trust exercise I’ve ever heard of.

It worked. The ankle wasn’t broken. Doctors looked at the bruising and gave her meds. It wasn’t until a month later, when the daughter told someone, that police investigated. Cisero was indicted on charges of first-degree criminal mistreatment and fourth-degree assault. That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

And yet, it gets worse. Asshole Fuckface parents were springing out of the woodwork this week.

Across the pond, a couple of English parents were making a run for Asshole Fuckface of the week. Three years ago, Sabrina Hirst, 22, had a baby. When the little girl was seven-months-old, she married Robert Hirst, 54. Up until that point, the little girl was well looked after. Then everything changed.

The Hirsts pleaded guilty this week to neglect and manslaughter. They sort of starved the girl to death.

Robert plead guilty to the lesser charge of neglect – because he works 12 to 13 hour days. Obviously, if you work a lot, your kids die.

I hope they have rape in British prisons.

Next up, some LA style Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Meet Starkeisha Brown, 24, and Krystal Matthews, 21. They are both in prison today because they are Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Starkeisha is a mother of a five-year-old and Krystal is her girlfriend. I use the term “mother” loosely. The boy came out of her vagina, at which point the mothering ended.

On Monday, a stranger found the boy abandoned and called the police. The two women were not there because they were at The Department of Children and Family Services, where they were attempting to pass off another boy as Brown’s son. They couldn’t let authorities see her actual son, because he was tortured to the point where he is permanently disfigured.

Hey, I just threw up in my mouth. But that’s just a tiny fraction of what this child endured.

The two women couldn’t bring the boy to child services, so they left him with a stranger. Literally. A stranger. It turned out to be the best thing they ever did for the boy.

Then they took their friend's son to Family Services.

Those ladies are not going to have a good time in prison, with other women. Hopefully they suffer a long, long time. The boy is probably beyond salvation. That’s how you make psychopaths.

Amazingly, this week we actually have a worse Asshole Fuckface.

This is the worst story ever to appear in the Roundup. Holy shit, walk away now. Please. Go.

I warned you.

Sergio Casian Aguilar parked his truck on a dark California road last weekend, removed his two-year-old boy from the car and then beat the boy to death. He “shook, punched, kicked and stomped” on the boy. Sergio was obviously crazy and attacked everyone who attempted to stop the assault.

Another man also attempted to stop the assault, but was unable to do so. At least a dozen people witnessed the attack.

Local police showed up in a helicopter, landed in a nearby pasture and quickly shot Sergio to death. Sergio wouldn’t even respond to police orders to stop.

That’s the worst story, ever. Ever.

Blah.

The Idaho Senate race is a smorgasbord of win. Does any other state have a senator retiring because he tried to fuck a guy in an airport shitter? Does any other state have a conservative in the race just because another guy in the race killed his elk? How about a candidate who changed his name to Pro Life? No, they don’t. Idaho wins.

Everyone knows about Larry Craig.

I think you’re awesome, Larry, and I will miss you. Obviously, a right wing state like Idaho can’t have a senator who likes to blow dudes in public bathrooms, so Larry is retiring. And now the Democrats actually have a chance to pick up this seat. Seriously. I know, it’s actually more surprising than a Senator blowing a dude in a bathroom, but it’s true. Democrats could actually win this.

The Dems are fielding former Congressman Larry LaRocco and the GOP is putting up Lieutenant Governor Jim Risch. This is not a great year to be a Republican candidate anywhere, so Risch automatically has that black mark by his name. In addition, his comfy relationship with radioactive toxic waste is not doing him any favors.

Right. Wouldn’t want that shit laying around in Kuwait, when it can find a nice home in Idaho.

Even though Idaho is a big time red state, odds are they aren’t big on importing radioactive waste from the Middle East. The Iraq war will also hurt Risch, and he has been very quiet on the issue. Also, Idaho Republicans are more libertarian leaning than other states, which means they are not happy with the GOP’s stances on civil liberties. LaRocco has been pushing the civil liberties issue, big time.

Risch is currently ducking debates, which will not go over well in a Senate race, especially with what is at stake. Strangely, he has also been walking around DC with Larry Craig, getting to know everyone. Note to Risch: Don’t spend time with the guy who is retiring because he wanted to blow a dude in a bathroom. Meanwhile, LaRocco has a strong grassroots campaign going, Democrats have a lot more money to spend and Obama will probably have coattails, unlike McCain. And finally, during the primary, 35% of Republican voters punched their ballot for fringe candidates, instead of Risch, the former governor and current lieutenant governor.

Those are the issues and the stats. Now we get to the best part of the race. The right wing independent candidates are fucking fantastic. Let’s start with my main man, Pro-Life.

In 2006, organic strawberry farmer Marvin “Pro-Life” Richardson ran for governor, but the state wouldn’t let him list his middle name on the ballot, because they don’t allow slogans. Marvin is no idiot, so he officially changed his name to Pro-Life. And holy shit, is he pro life.

Good luck with that. Pro-life activists are actually concerned that voters will become confused and vote for Pro-Life, not knowing it’s a dude. In 2006, he received fewer than 2% of the vote, but with his new name he is hoping for 5%, mostly via confusion.

Well, then it won’t be worth it, Pro. Can I call you “Pro?” Or "Mr. Life?" Or insane lunatic? Whatever, I love you. Deeply.

My favorite candidate is Rex Rammell.

I love a guy who runs for Senate out of spite. Rammell is simply running to stop Risch from winning, because Rex hates Jimmy. The feud between the two started back in 2002, when some of Rammell’s elk escaped from his ranch. Risch was acting governor and he ordered state wildlife officials to kill them. 89 elk and 20 calves were killed. Risch had his reasons.

Rammell, a veterinarian, did not agree with the states new elk laws, which had been changed in 2001. He didn’t understand why elk ranches needed a license, but sheep, cow and horse ranches did not. The stand off ended in the death of many of his herd and an undying hatred for Risch was born. He vowed to make sure Risch was never elected to office again. And he's a pretty serious dude. At one point, Rammell took part in a sit in - on top of a dead elk.

Rammell was acquitted of the obstruction of justice charge. He successfully argued the dead elk was his property and he could do what he wanted with it. Take a moment here, close your eyes and picture Rex laying on top of a dead elk. Now picture him running for office. Nice, isn't it?

The feud even trickled down to the Miss Idaho USA contest in 2006. Rex’s daughter, Amanda, won the pageant, but refused to be photographed with Risch, who was the governor.

Holy shit, I just linked to Pageant Cast News.

Word. So, whom do you think the Libertarian leaning Idaho Republicans will vote for? Hint: Ron Paul won 20% of the vote during the primary. But that’s not all. Rammell is also a Mormon. They typically vote for the GOP candidate, but with an independent Mormon running, they might switch.

Due to all of these factors, Idaho could actually be a pick up for Dems. This is the reason Republicans desperately wanted Larry Craig to retire last year. It’s turned into a bit of a perfect storm situation. If the Dems do win Idaho – they’d be looking at a 60-vote majority.

Last week, I broke down the Democratic vice presidential possibilities and this week I’m going to cross the aisle to where the demons live and break down the horrible people McCain will be choosing from. Sadly for McCain, any candidate he chooses will make him look older, unless he picks a 90-year-old.

First up, Charlie Crist, governor of Florida.

Pro:

Crist is high up on the list of McCain’s choices. He is a somewhat popular governor and served as the state Attorney General for four years. He also served in the state senate. He is a good-looking, personable man – and has an awesome fake tan. He would put Florida in the win column for McCain, which has quite a few electoral point thingies.

Con:

Gay. You read that right. Everyone seems to think he is gay. Crist is a 51-year-old bachelor who was married 30 years ago for an entire six months.

No one has ever produced any proof that Crist is gay, but a dude or two have claimed they fucked him and he apparently has a long-term partner, who is also a convicted felon. Loving sweet cock would obviously be a negative for any GOP candidate and if McCain picks Crist, it means he is in trouble. McCain should win Florida easily, if he needs Charlie’s help, it’s not going well. Hardcore right-wingers are McCain’s problem; bringing Crist on board would just drive them away further.

Haley Barbour, Governor of Mississippi.

Pro:

Barbour is considered to be a very successful governor. He was given high marks for picking up the pieces after Hurricane Katrina. Unlike Crist, conservatives really love him – and he’s well liked inside Washington – which is something McCain needs help with. Barbour used to be the head of the Republican National Committee, worked for Reagan for six years and is a former lobbyist. As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why he didn’t run for president. Oh, right…

Con:

He’s got some racism problems. Barbour has connections to the Council of Conservative Citizens, a group of serious racists. That would certainly be awkward when running against a black guy. And Barbour doesn’t come from a battleground state, which is a big problem. And finally, Obama is running against Washington politics, a term that defines Barbour.

Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana.

Pro:

Conservatives love Jindal because he’s a brown guy who is also a Republican. They go ape shit over that sort of thing. Jindal is an Oxford University Rhodes scholar who has been working in various government jobs since 1994. He was elected to Congress in 2004 and became governor of Louisiana in 2007. I mentioned he’s got brown skin, right? Jindal’s parents are from India. He’s also a religious conservative’s wet dream. He’s against emergency contraceptives for rape victims, abortion (obviously), stem cell research, loves the Patriot Act, intelligent design, off-shore oil drilling and has the highest rating from the Gun Owners of America. Sounds pretty great for a Republican VP, right?

Con:

He performed an exorcism in college. Seriously.

Holy fucking shit. Look who just made Bush look normal. From this day on, every time you look at a picture of Jindal, I expect you to picture him screaming, “OUT DEMON!”

Kay Bailey Hutchison, Senator from Texas.

Pro:

Let’s be honest, Kay is only being considered because she has a vagina. Republicans are desperate to make it appear they are not a group of rich, white men. They always have been. Now that Obama is the candidate and Hillary nearly won, they really want America to know they have ladies and minorities also. Other than that, she brings nothing to the table.

Con:

She doesn’t come from a battleground state. She’s too old. She has zero executive experience and is an incredibly boring speaker. Also, she has been accused of corruption on more than one occasion. All of which means he will probably pick her.

Mitt Romney, rich guy.

Pro:

He is certainly well known and is a decent debater and speaker. Conservatives seem to like him, because he flip-flopped on almost every position when he decided to run for president. He has a great background as a businessman, which gives conservatives giant hard ons. And, Romney had a successful run as the governor of Massachusetts, which included implementing a state universal health insurance plan. Romney on the ticket could swing Massachusetts because Irish people are notoriously racist.

Con:

Cheesiest man alive. He seems like a central casting version of slimy politician. He flip-flopped on almost every important issue. Romney and McCain appeared to hate each other during the primaries. Oh, and he’s Mormon.

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina.

Pro:

He’s a hero of conservatives because of his budget cuts in South Carolina and actually fought against other Republicans to get them done. Sanford has a very solid conservative voting record and stuck to a self-imposed term limit and left Congress. In 2000, he campaigned for McCain. Sanford would fit right in with McCain’s “bloated government” philosophy.

Con:

I had never heard of him until I started researching this article. South Carolina is not a battle ground state and he won’t do much to help McCain in the mid-western battle ground states. Oh, and he lives on a plantation. He’s lived there since high school. A fucking plantation owner running against a black guy. How’s that sound? Like change? Did I mention he supports South Carolina flying the Confederate flag? AND THAT HE LIVES ON A FUCKING PLANTATION?

Mike Huckabee, crazy religious guy.

Pro:

The crazy religious right would come out in droves to vote for a ticket with Mike Huckabee on it. He’s funny, personable and a decent speaker. He is a rag to riches story that hopefully peaked when he was governor of Arkansas from 1996 to 2007.

Con:

He’s sort of living in the year 2. His religious beliefs are frighteningly backward, which would not help with Catholic voters in battleground states. If you think what Wright said is bad, as soon as Huckabee became VP, you can bet a shitload of heinous material would spring forth. That’s why Baptist ministers don’t become president. Huckabee is never going to be VP, so quit talking about it.

The Curve Ball:

Jodi Rell, governor of Connecticut,

Pro:

She has a vagina. Rell is incredibly popular in Connecticut, with approval ratings around 80%. She served 10 years in the state legislator, then three as Lieutenant Governor and finally was elected governor in 2004. She knows how to work the system. She is a breast cancer survivor and appeals to suburban voters. Oh, and she’s married to a Navy pilot. Along with the heinous Lieberman, she could possibly swing Connecticut to McCain.

Con:

Went to but never graduated from college. She is moderate Republican, which won’t help McCain with conservatives. Other than that, she’s kind of a blank slate and doesn’t bring a lot of baggage. If McCain wants to pick up some of the angry middle-aged female Hillary voters, Rell is the way to go.

That’s it. Anyone not on my list has no fucking chance. I’d put my money on Rell.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:

One of the most useful tools of an absolute monarch like me are lettres de cachet, which may be translated as “seal letters”. You might not be familiar with this term. In my time, a seal letter (in its narrow sense) is a direct order from the king by which a subject is sentenced without trial and without an opportunity of defense to imprisonment in a state prison or an ordinary jail, confinement in a convent or a hospital, transportation to the colonies, or expulsion to another part of the realm. It’s a common practice – not a practice I’m particularly proud of, but sometimes necessary to lock away potentially dangerous individuals and maintain the power of the crown. In other terms, it’s the standard procedure to dungeon political prisoners. This is how absolute monarchy works.

However, most of you are living in a democracy, and your time considers seal letters symbols of the abuses of what you call “absolutism”. That’s why the founders of your democracies invented the writ of habeas corpus, which is basically a legal procedure through which a person can seek relief from unlawful detention of himself or another person. It has been praised as being one of the cornerstones of individual freedom and democracy. Leaders have now to justify themselves when they dungeon someone. This is how democracy works.

However, the habeas corpus can be somewhat unhandy when dealing with politically motivated arrests, for example, of supposed terrorists. That’s why the U.S. Government had this really great idea: build a prison outside the U.S. borders such that they can imprison people without any trial. I’m the last one who could condemn political imprisonment - but, as far as I understand, this is not how democracy works.

Now it seems that democracy strikes back. In the case Boumediene vs. Bush, the U.S. Supreme Court affirmed on June 12 the habeas corpus rights of detainees in Guantanamo:

The full text as PDF

Whereas I feel with King George W., Rex Christianissimus Americae, that he can no more sign lettres de cachet, I have to admit that this court decision is a victory for democracy. As you might have guessed, I’m not a big fan of democracy - but, if you do it, you should do it correctly. If you give the power to the people, you can’t take it away with the other hand. And, luckily for you, democracy has mechanisms like the Supreme Court to prevent political leaders to undermine its very basic principles.

This is how democracy works.

Given at Versailles in the month of June, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

The Roundup is celebrating its semi-centennial and here you are reading it. You lucky son of a bitch. You are actually reading the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. That’s about as good as life gets and is considered to be a more pleasurable experience than an orgasm. (US News Reports, issue 42, Nov. 2005.)

The Asshole Fuckface Roundup has been giving people this pleasurable feeling for centuries, ever since my ancestor Seamus O’Whitey began keeping tabs on the bastards. Now the torch has been passed to me, and each week I scour the news looking for the worst human being alive. When I find them, I give them the worst label any human could ever receive: Asshole Fuckface. So, put on your giant trash bags – as a matter of fact, double bag that shit – because this is going to be ugly.

This week we start with some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery taking place in Zimbabwe.

In March, President Robert Mugabe was defeated in a national election by Morgan Tsvangirai of the MDC, but Mugabe has not left office. Instead, he claimed Tsvangirai did not achieve the necessary majority, which necessitated a runoff. The runoff is scheduled for June 28th. Until then, it appears Mugabe will make life hell for his opponents.

Currently 4 million Zimbabweans rely on food aid from foreign countries. But now some of the aid has taken a bit of a detour.

“Vote for me, here’s some needy children food.” That’s one way to do it. Hey, politics is rough. And it’s even rougher for members of the MDC.

Brian Mamhova of the MDC was elected councilor for the Harare South District council in March. Turns out, not such a great move for him. In the middle of the night last week, three truckloads of Mugabe’s thugs showed up and attacked Mamhova’s house – and entire neighborhood.

"Burnt to pieces." That's about as fucked up as it gets. But they weren’t done yet.

Sure, kick the shit out of the entire neighborhood. Mamhova is now in hiding. His wife died from her burns. She was 18 weeks pregnant. Mugabe also arrested Morgan Tsvangirai, his opponent in the upcoming election. It looks like the Asshole Fuckfacery in Zimbabwe has not even begun.

Next up, some good old fashioned American Asshole Fuckfacery.

The California Highway Patrol in Oceanside broke some horrible news to some local high school students last month.

How horrible is that? Imagine sitting in your high school history class, when a cop suddenly comes in and announces one of your close friends has been killed – by a drunk driver.

In all, drunken drivers killed 26 students. Holy shit. How drunk was this guy? And what was he driving? Turns out, not drunk at all and not driving anything. It was just an awesome story to keep kids from drinking and driving. None of the kids were actually dead, it was just a magnificent scare tactic to keep kids from drinking and driving - by telling them their alive friends were dead.

Some of the kids learned it was a delightful fake DUI massacre right away, when their teachers saw their reaction and told them. For others, it came a bit later.

Okay, those kids are lucky they were not considered zombies and beheaded. That’s what I would have done. The kids who suffered through the “your friends are all dead” scenario are a little pissed, but school officials still think it was an awesome idea.

Awesome. The only message they got is that you are an Asshole Fuckface. Hopefully, your doctor will tell you that you have colon cancer, then let you go through a few rounds of chemo, before telling you it was a game he came up with to make you eat more veggies. You’d really get the message, wouldn’t you, Lori? You soulless Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some Japanese style Asshole Fuckfacing.

A Japanese teacher came up with his own punishment for a high school student who nodded off during class.

Um. What ever happened to detention? Why can’t he write it in urine or semen? Anyway, I’m sure the kid blew the teacher off.

Nevermind. Just when you think Japan can’t get any crazier, they go and make kids write apologies in blood. Of course, after it was all over, the teacher threw himself on his sword, so to speak.

That must have be