Well, here we are again. It is a new year and there are still Asshole Fuckfaces running around, doing horrible things to good people. I will continue to seek them out and drag them into the light for you to mock. It’s my job. I get paid in puppies. So, let’s kick off the New Year with some truly horrible Asshole Fuckfaces. Put on your best rubber tuxedo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, Harry Reid –– maybe the best Republican in Congress. He’s an utterly useless piece of shit. This week pro-life Harry announced he would bar newly appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris from the Senate –– with armed guards if necessary. See, Burris can’t be allowed to dirty the floor of the Senate because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich appointed him. Yes, Harry Reid has finally drawn a line in the sand.

He didn’t do it when Karl Rove and Harriet Miers refused to honor subpoenas. He didn’t do it when Bush nominated the insane right wing lunatic Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Warrantless wiretapping? No can do. Joe Lieberman turning a blind eye to Bush corruption as the Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee? Whatevs. Give Ted Stevens a standing ovation after he was convicted of 7 felonies? Hell yes.

Maybe before Reid draws this tough guy line, he should actually check with some law peeps to find out whether denying Burris is even legal. Many say it is not. Either way, Harry Reid wouldn’t know which battle to pick if one was raping his wife and another was making him a pie.

And there was more Burris appointment Asshole Fuckfacery.

It came immediately from Illinois Representative Bobby Rush. According to Bobby, Burris should be allowed to take the seat –– because he’s black.

Well, yeah. Let’s just fill that seat based on skin color. That’s an awesome way to run things.

Fuck yeah. Chill your shit out. Burris is black. How do you not get that? Please ignore the constant losing of elections he's been doing over the years and his advanced age. He's perfect.

Well, hello colorful and unnecessary language. But, yes, let’s not “lynch” the black guy. And let’s not forget what Rush had to say before Blago picked a black guy.

“Heinous.” Then suddenly, not heinous. Hey, what changed?

It’s really hard to chose who is worse in this situation, Reid or Rush. It’s like Burris is caught up in an Asshole Fuckface sandwich.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface with a bottle.

The Democrats are chalk full of win this week. Incoming New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate is fresh off an election victory and looking forward to serving the good people of New York. Dude is a former Marine and served 12 years in the NYPD before getting a psychological disability pension. Uh oh.

But wait! He’s all good because he got rid of his Thetans! Yes, Monserrate is a scientologist.

So, he’s a Scientologist, and an ex-Marine and was a cop for 12 years. Totally normal. As is trying to remove your girlfriend’s face with a broken bottle.

Oh, man. You are totally not clear. You should head back down to the Scientology center to get rid of your Asshole Fuckfaceness.

Oh, and it was an "accident."

And finally, big, fat, sloppy Israeli Asshole Fuckfacing.

Well, the spectacular fail of the continuing Israeli attack on Gaza is truly something to watch. Nothing like seeing pictures of bloody, dead children to bring the world around to your side.

Yes, I know, Hamas has been shooting rockets they can’t aim at Israel and it is a fucked up situation. But the response isn’t exactly showing the world that Israel is better. Right now, Israel looks like a bigger, better-armed terrorist organization.

Let me see if I can get this straight: Hamas would kill any Israeli if they could, whether that Jew is a mother, father or child. So, an attack on Gaza is a good move, because now people all over the world are watching Israel kill mothers, fathers and children. And hey, that should really bring the Palestinians around. No, I totally get it. Hamas has said they will kill innocents, so you have to kill innocents to stop the killing of innocents. Look, I totally get it. It’s obviously a fool proof plan. I don’t know what could go wrong.

This should totally wrap everything up. Now Israeli’s can justify their attack because of Hamas’ intentions and Hamas supporters can justify their hatred because of the dead children and women. It’s a win win!

But let’s not forget the true fault lies with George Bush and Condoleezza Rice. They are the ones who pushed for elections in Palestine that put Hamas in control of Gaza. This is more George Bush Asshole Fuckfacery.

How surprising.

And good luck to Israel in their attempt to create more terrorists. It seems to be going well so far.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For those of you who haven’t been following, Obama chose shocking asshole and homophobe Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Many have explained to those who are offended that they have no right to be upset because this is a move of inclusion. They say Obama is reaching across the aisle. It’s about bipartisanship. It’s about him being a president to everybody. Uh, yeah. If you believe that you are one stupid motherfucker.

Obama, of course, gave his usual response. We’ve really all got to work together and come to an understanding and agree to disagree. Yes. Also, bigots are fine. The one problem with Obama’s comments Ñ aside from the shocking hypocrisy Ñ is that they can’t stand up to one simple argument: Would he invite a racist to give the invocation? No? Why not? They’re many racists in this country who deserve to be included in this administration. They are, after all, Americans. We really should reach out to the racists. How will we come together as a country if we don’t?

But he would do no such thing, because racists are bad, while gay haters are okey-dokey. That’s the message Obama has sent with this decision. And they just won’t shut the fuck up about it. Biden opened his clam hole yesterday.

Anyone think he meant homophobes? Really? Did you think he meant racists? No, of course not. Just homophones. Got it.

And he divided us further. It only serves to remind one group of people Ñ the ones who were left out of the victory on November 4th, the ones who were told they were less than by more than one state, the ones who are simmering with anger that they really don’t matter, that they are not part of the equation. Obama doesn’t have to reach over to that side of the aisle because he’s sitting there.

Let’s not pretend like Barack Obama supports gay marriage. He does not. That’s why proponents of Prop 8 were able to use his words in ads supporting the ban. Many seem to think Obama is for gay marriage but can’t say so because of the political climate. Bullshit. He has said he is not and that is where the truth lies.

And I get the inclusion thing. Look, Barack wants to work with all people. He wants to bring us together. Why, just take a look at these inclusive words.

Oops, my bad. He was talking about Reverend Wright. Sorry, I get confused when figuring out which religious guy is bad and which is good. Comparing gays to pedophiles is not using “words that degrade individuals” and obviously has a “place in our public dialogue.”

Obviously, he is a horrible man. Rick Warren, on the other hand, is fine. All he does is stuff like urge the assassination of foreign leaders and compare gay marriage to incest. No wait, this speech was given during the election, so it doesn't count, right? That was only for political reasons, but now he's being himself. Is that it?

Obama has picked someone George W. Bush would have picked. This is no different; this is not change in any way shape or form. There are a shitload of pastors who make respectful, civil arguments against gay marriage and abortion and a litany of other fucked up views. I disagree with them, but at least their opinions are not disgusting. Obama didn’t go that way. He went with a guy who couldn’t be more of a hateful fuck when it comes to gays. He picked a guy, who up until yesterday had a web page up that said gays were not welcome at his church. That’s how we disagree without being disagreeable Ñ by finding the guy who uses the most disagreeable language possible. A guy whose views are simply heinous.

But, yeah, America needs this kind of asshole to feel like he is a part of things because guys like him have been feeling so powerless for so long. Oh, woes the mega church pastor. Gay people, on the other hand, have been experiencing WAY too much inclusion and power for too long. Oh, wait; Obama let them have a marching band at the inauguration. Guys like Warren used the exact same type of language when they made arguments against interracial marriage and they didn’t stop because they were included. They stopped because they were shamed, as God intended.

Obama’s “inclusiveness” is no different than the Congressional Democrats “compromises.” It is never to the left, only to the right. I had a very tiny bit of hope that Obama would be a better president than Clinton, but that hope is dying as I watch his administration take shape and the choices he makes. I'm not surprised, given Obama's FISA vote, which was an ugly indicator of things to come. Clinton courted the right on matters of business and America paid the price with deregulation and cuts to social services. Now Obama looks to pick up the torch, but with one difference, he’s going to court the right on social issues.

And that is where the danger lies. Because by including these bigots from the right in this government, you are leaving out a large group of people. The religious fanatics do not do inclusion. They do exclusion.

Obama is courting “Non-negotiable” Warren. There are those you work with to get things done and those you don’t. These are the people you don’t, unless of course, you have an entirely different agenda. Maybe you just want to stay in power, so giving in to the evangelicals makes sense. Maybe next time around Obama can have Pat Robertson give the invocation.

And make no mistake about it; this is a very important honor. This ups Warren’s profile and nudges him towards becoming America’s new spiritual leader. Many have made an argument that some evangelicals do not like Warren because he invited Obama into his church. No, shit, dumbfuck. Obama’s not trying to peel off the very right evangelicals, he’s going for the young ones who follow Warren. And in doing so, he is tossing gay Americans off the boat. It is a shockingly divisive move.

This is another sign of the end for liberals having any sort of say in this government. This is marginalization. It’s been going on for some time, especially with our current Congress, but now Democrats have an Obama to go along with their Reid and Pelosi party. The religious right took over the Republican Party and now they have their sights on the Democratic Party and Obama is going to open the door wide.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.

Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an “International Medal of P.E.A.C.E.” and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.

Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.



There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, he’s reaching out to people. Specifically, he’s reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?

Hey, let’s also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?

And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldn’t be more off. This is why I didn’t support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, he’s the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so who’s to say?

Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.

Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.

On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe it’s $100 billion.

Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? It’s so horrible, I can barely read it.

This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.

Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.

The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didn’t die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldn’t have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now “pollution.”

Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!

Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.

I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.

The children’s names came to the national media’s attention because the local Shop Rite wouldn’t make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.

Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbell’s seem totally reasonable.

Good luck poking a hole in that argument.

It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you don’t expect all the hubbub.

Um.

No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.

Exactly, it’s not fair to your children. Ahem.

Waiting.

Not fair. Children. Name.

Anything?

Hello?

Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.

Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.

Oh, God, make it stop.

Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.

And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

So long newspapers. You guys were great. I really appreciated all you did. Where would I be without you? Huh? I’d be one stupid asshole. And where would the hobos be? Cold, that’s where. Very cold. In the 30s, newspapers were known as “Hoover blankets” because President Hoover made some awesomely lame decisions and newspapers were all people had to keep warm. Unfortunately, it’s looking more and more like people won’t be able to use newspapers and call them Bush blankets for this depression, mostly because newspapers are dying. Revenue this year is down 20%.

This week, the Detroit Free Press and the Detroit News announced they will offer home delivery only on Thursday, Friday and (Free Press only) Sunday. That’s two days a week for the News and three times a week for the Free Press. Last week the New York Times announced it was borrowing…

The Tribune Company, which owns the L.A. Times and the Chicago Tribune, filed for bankruptcy. The company also owns 10 other newspapers. They are not worth mentioning because they are not in giant, awesome cities. So goes life, small people in small places.

The Washington Post went with an "executive pay freeze."

Newsweek has decided to make their magazine smaller. How great does that sound? Not only is the weekly magazine completely useless in the Internet age, but it’s going to be smaller.

Well, it sounds like it’s going to be more idiot friendly, with all the pictures and whatnot. It’s cute to see them give it a go. Magazines are fucking toast. I’ve canceled all my subscriptions, but one. Can’t give up my Harpers yet, but that day will come.

Much of this is occurring quickly because of the recession. Companies aren’t buying ads and newspapers kind of make their money from ads. I heard that from a guy. Maybe this will just make their deaths quicker. There is no reason to buy a newspaper in this day and age, except for those who like their fingers to turn black. By the time a newspaper arrives at my house, I know the news. Weird thing is, I get my news from newspapers online. Uh, oh. There seems to be some sort of catch-22 here.

How in the hell are newspapers going to survive if read them online, instead of buy them? I don’t think I have ever clicked on an L.A. Times ad. Ever. I don’t click any ads online. I have Adblock and I rarely see an ad that interests me. Porn ads are nice. They give me boners. Just a tip, L.A. Times!

TV advertising will clearly have to move towards product placement more and more. Maybe newspapers can toss in a little product placement here and there.

Okay, while I would enjoy that it would be wrong. Pay per post advertising is being done, but it won’t fly in newspapers. They already tried pay-for-online-subscriptions. People didn’t bite. The New York Times attempted to charge for a better-than-the-rest-of-the-newspaper-section. Nobody went for it and they stopped. Now this is not to say there aren’t quite a few different ways to advertise on the web: Pay-per-page view banners, pay-per-click text ads, pay-per-transaction ads, paid inclusion in search results, paid listing in information services and pay-per-connection on social networks. They work; they just bring in less than charging readers to buy a paper and charging advertisers to put ads in that paper. That shit is done.

Oh, and I can’t leave out the classifieds. That was a $326 million business. Now Craigslist is the big dog and the site only made $40 million in 2006. That’s a drop of 88%.

Okay, so here we are. Expect every newspaper to become a one newspaper town. The L.A. Times has been in talks to merge with both the Orange County newspaper and the San Fernando newspaper. Then it will spread. Soon San Diego will join in the fun. And on and on. Fewer and fewer papers being printed on fewer and fewer days. We’re going to end up with a couple of national papers and that’s it. But that’s the physical paper. What about the Internet?

That’s what worries me. Even though our media largely sucks, we need reporters sneaking around and digging into garbage (I’m pretty sure that’s all they do). Less profit means fewer journalists, which means less keeping an eye on our political bitches. I don’t know about you, but I like my political whores to be under the spotlight. And democracy sort of needs the press to be kicking ass. This could get really grim as more reporters disappear and we end up with more and more…blogs? Oh, my. That would be an ugly future. Imagine if you got all your news from me.

Wait, that is fucking awesome.

Forget everything I just wrote.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, the Republicans sure did fight for their beliefs last week, didn’t they? Quite an impressive move standing up for CEOs during the first bailout, then attacking the workingman during the second bailout. It takes either a huge set of balls or being so distanced from reality that they don’t realize they have once again, decreased their followers. It will certainly backfire, as everything the Republicans do these days seems to.

It is hilariously heinous and a sign of the morally bereft that they would actually claim that Detroit’s autoworkers are paid too much, while also claiming the rich are taxed too much? How fucked up of a human being do you have to hold such fucked up beliefs. They are no better than vermin.

Take the simple minded Tennessee Senator Bob Corker. Bobby believes the horrible unions should accept “parity” with workers from his state. By “parity” he means the workingman should make less, like in his state, where autoworkers of foreign car companies live with discriminatory, anti-labor laws designed to keep wages low. Notice Bob didn’t say this about Wall Street. He failed to mention the insane CEO salaries and ridiculous bonuses of the banking crowd. No, it’s the workingman getting ahead that is dragging our country down. Yes, we need workers to make less money. That is obviously the problem with the auto companies. I can see no other problems. None at all. Other than the horrible unions, the Big 3 put the A in awesome.

So, the answer is to drive down the wage of blue-collar, mostly black workers. Hopefully, at some point, the wages of the workingman in this country will be on par with those in Mexico. Then the companies would really thrive! Hey, Bob, why don’t you make the same as a city councilman in Des Moines? Wouldn’t the federal budget be better off if you Senators weren’t making so much money? Don’t be greedy, Bob. You’re killing your country. Just take the pay cut down to the level of a guy living in a different place, but working in the same business.

Here’s an insane idea: Workers who produce things of value deserve a decent living. I know. It’s like I just wrote the words of Satan. Jesus would be disgusted. It’s also become more and more obvious in the past week that the only way for the workingman to achieve a decent living is through unions. That’s why they exist — because of assholes like Bob Corker.

The auto companies have actually been turning things around. The unions have made quite a few concessions over the past two years and GM, Ford and Chrysler cars are matching the quality of Japanese cars consistently. No excuse can be made for the insane over-production of gas-guzzlers. But the credit crunch is what really killed them, not the unions.

So, why does my headline say this is a massive Republican fail? They blocked the bailout, didn’t they? That will kill the union, won’t it? No.

Bush will bail out the auto companies, mostly because Hoover wouldn’t have. Keeping people employed in times like this is how you avoid a great depression, allowing millions to lose their jobs in this kind of teetering economy is what leads to great depressions. Anyone who knows how to read should understand that. So, Bush will do the right thing and bail out the auto companies — and there will be no strings attached.

Everything the Republicans wanted they will not get. The unions agreed to meet the Republicans demands, but just not in the time frame the Republicans wanted. Now that is gone. There won’t be a “car czar,” there won’t be a plan to place the burden of the bailout on workers, instead of upper management. Basically, Democrats are going to get the auto bailout they wanted from day one. Republicans won’t get shit.

No, actually, that’s not true. They will get something: The loss of support of many, many people in the Midwest whose lives rely on the auto industry. Those people have all watched as southern Republican Senators attempted to protect the interests of foreign-owned auto manufacturers with companies in their states. They watched as Republicans blatantly decided it was more important to blame the workers than the management that had made shitty decisions for years, while they took huge salaries. Republicans have literally come to a place where they are fighting against American manufacturing. That’s an insane stance to take in our country.

The Republicans just withdrew even more into the south. Good luck winning Indiana, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota ever again. If they had made a decent, reasonable argument to oppose the bailout, they may have had a chance. But they didn’t. They offered no clear explanation of the dangers of failure. They only attacked the unions. One conservative blogger put it succinctly:

They did not. Because this was not about the economy, or doing what is best for the country. This was about the sticking with exact same rigid ideology that created the Great Depression and stubbornly ignoring the obvious lessons learned from Hoover's and Mellon's tactics. They are literally attempting repeat the exact policies that led to the Great Depression. Next they'll try to balance the budget during this mess, because Hoover was right!

Republicans only attacked the unions. The workingman is under assault, which just happens to be the Republican bread and butter. Democrats won't lose any of their base pursuing the action everyone expects them to take. Republicans will. This was a shockingly stupid political move to say the least.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I love Christmas. Halloween is more fun, but Christmas feels more important. Everything's shut down, everyone just takes some time out. I'm almost surprised when I see people driving around, and I always assume that they're just on their way to some gathering with family or friends. I don't like the idea of anyone trying to do anything productive on Christmas. Take the day, man. Have some nog.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas, however, is a shining little light tucked away in the long, dark, irritating tunnel that is the month leading up to the holiday. (Also, the tunnel plays Christmas music all the time.) That light is the War On Christmas.

Oh, it's like an early present every year. People I suspected of insanity earlier in the year confirm my suspicions and go completely bat-shit over something stupid like "Season's Greetings." Jesus lollerskating Christ, and you people say the liberals are too sensitive.

That said, this year's war had a pretty interesting skirmish. The Washington Legislative Building in Olympia allows for holiday displays, even those of a religious nature. The catch is that they aren't allowed to discriminate, so anyone can put up their little display. The Freedom From Religion Foundation decided to do exactly that.



Oof. That's a little rough. That probably won't get people to think twice about their beliefs. Touchy as they are, they'll be too busy being offended (though, of course, this sign doesn't even distantly imply that they'll be tortured for all eternity for the crime of guessing wrong). As a PR move for atheists, it's probably not that great. As a catalyst to demonstrate the silliness of allowing these sorts of displays in a public building? Oh, it's pretty damn good.

First came the protests.

Hey, good call Reverend. That's why we're not going to listen to the protests. The sign stays.

Republican State Representative Jim Dunn, you had something to add?

Great, thanks for the input.

In a stunning display of religious tolerance, on Friday Dcember 5 the sign was stolen.

It didn't last for twelve hours. That's how crazy people get about Christmas. Mark my words, it won't be long until we see signs reading "CHRISTmas!!" to match the "One Nation, UNDER GOD!!" bumper stickers. Hey, did anyone else notice that the first line of that CNN article says the sign criticizes Christianity? That's weird, I don't remember the sign saying anything about Jesus.

The story doesn't end there, though. I wouldn't waste your time. Everyone's favorite IRL-troll Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church crew have decided to get in on the action. Here's what their sign will say:

Man, that's awesome. Sometimes I'm actually thankful for the Westboro Baptist Church. They illustrate points so well.

Bill Donohue, a crazy bastard who I suspect lures children under bridges and then eats them (and he has yet to prove otherwise) when he's not issuing wacky press releases on behalf of his Catholic League, has some especially confusing logic to explain why he should have freedom of speech, but other people shouldn't.

Yes, he really did follow that first sentence with that second one. Yes, that really does completely contradict his first sentence. No one's speech is being violated by the atheist sign, Bill. You still have your display. Atheists just get to say something, too. That's how freedom of speech works - everyone gets it.

But wait! Everyone? Yes, everyone. That means that they actually do have to put up the Festivus pole. That means that they actually do have to put up the Flying Spaghetti Monster display. This has become a complete circus.

And here's the point. This is why secular government is the way to go. This is why you don't allow nativity scenes on public property. You aren't allowed to discriminate. If you let one group do it, you have to let all the groups do it. The result is exactly what you see. This is one-upmanship run amok. Half the participants are laughing their asses off, the other half are losing their minds, and I can only imagine that Washington's poor governor is buried in a deluge of angry letters from people with delusions of relevance.

Wasn't there some sort of holiday coming up or something?

Asshole Fuckfacing had a good week. The greats of Asshole Fuckfacery would be very, very proud of all the horrible shit that went down. Some weeks I have to scour the news to find the appropriate acts deemed worthy of a spot in the Roundup. But not this week. It was raining Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your favorite animal pelt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some outgoing presidential Assholery Fuckacery.

Ah, the horrible George W. Bush. Remember the Endangered Species Act? Well, it has had its spine removed by Georgy.

Wow. That sounds almost like there is no Endangered Species Act anymore.

Yes! Look to the future. Oil! No animals! That’s some forward thinking.

Kiss the polar beat goodbye, bitches. Although, the polar bears totally deserve it for supporting Bush in 2000 AND 2004.

Next up, if I say “Utah,” you say“ Asshole Fuckface."

As far as gay hating goes, Utah is tops in the nation. They more prefer dudes marrying hundreds of women, instead. Currently, a whopping 14 out of 40 Utah school districts allow “Gay Straight Alliance” clubs. So, the gay kids in the other 26 districts have to pretend like they are not gay. A lawsuit recently forced Salt Lake City's East High School to allow a Gay Straight Alliance club. Something about “federal equal protection laws” or some shit. Basically, the courts love sodomy and hate Jesus. (Like me!)

Thankfully, there are Asshole Fuckfaces like State Senator Chris Buttars who see far deeper into state laws than most.

Um. What? Dude. Free fucking cocksucking motherfucking assbanging speech. Just saying. I want to bend you over a couch and turn your anus into a basketball hoop, and I’m totally within my rights to say it. Your balls? I want to gnaw on them until they become taffy. Your cock? No thanks.

And there’s more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

It turns out Pat Boone can do something worse than make music. He can also talk about politics, terrorism and homosexuality. He did just that in an awesome article on the delightful World Net Daily website.

Oh, yes. Very rotten. Man, you really know how to assign the appropriate words to summon deep feelings within your reader. Pat then goes on to describe the death and terror Indians experienced at the hands of the terrorists. Then…

Oh, I’m scared, Pat. Look, we all know there are extremists out there who want to destroy our way of life. Al Qaeda is constantly making threats and Iran is not exactly averse to using terrorism.

Wait. Now? This is happening now? Did I miss the news?

Oh, then you’re an amazing Asshole Fuckface.

I have. In fact I support financially harming people who take away the rights of others.

Um. Do you remember the whole terrorism thingy you opened this article with? Do you know how horrible of a person you are to compare legal protests with the brutal murder of 200 people? Did you know that you are actually worse than the people you are now attacking? Did you know Jesus would have actually hated you? You would have been the one guy he would have looked at and said, “I actually can’t do anything for this guy.”

Yeah, and black people aren’t whole people and women can’t vote. Good argument. Seriously, go shit in your mouth.

Next up, down under Asshole Fuckfacery.

You know the opening scene in the Simpson’s movie, in which Bart Simpson rides his skateboard naked? Don’t bring that movie with you to Australia, because it’s now considered child porn.

No, seriously.

Some poor Australian guy was convicted in February of “possessing child pornography and using his computer to access child pornography.” Because he had pictures of cartoon characters naked.

Uh. Okay, this just got weird. Not that I’ve seen those drawings, but if I had…well, I haven’t.

Actually, that’s exactly what it means. Drawings are not people. Please see Darwin. Australia is now officially more fucked up than the United States.

Finally, a little New York Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s the best way to teach 7th graders about slavery? If you answered, “Forcefully bind two black students together by their hands and feet,” you are an Asshole Fuckface. But that’s exactly what the teacher, Eileen Bernstein of Haverstraw Middle School, did. Yay, psychological damage!

Because being on a slave ship and being under a desk are so similar.

Or, you know, you don’t actually have to DEMONSTRATE IT. You could just teach with words and pictures and shit.

After a meeting with the NAACP, Bernstein still thought was a pretty good idea.

School officials say it’s a “personal issue,” so they won’ tell if Bernstein will be punished or not.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

As of the December 10, 2008, Barack Obama's transitional government website allows users to submit questions for direct response. Users are also able to vote on the questions, to promote those considered more worthy of attention.

I think this is brilliant, I have always thought there should be more direct interaction between a leader and the people. Britain has a government petition website allowing the public to add their vote to causes they deem worthy, however, I have often found the official responses to be confusing and indirect.

'The Transition' has asked the people for their opinions on selected issues, and now they invite you to return the favour. I hope the current trend of interactive political interest will continue. I also hope no less-popular but still deserving issues will be ignored due to the question-voting system.

Here's to change.

The Republican Party is floundering like a gay penis in a vagina. They really have no idea what to do. Some want to go more religious conservative, while others want to go more economic conservative. The choice is obvious if they want to have anything to do with running the country over the next 25 years. They have to move away from the religious nuts. The “I’m okay with destroying the world and the country because Jesus is coming in a couple of years” thing ain’t working. Next month, Republicans will pick their new RNC chair and that will tell us a lot about which way they want to go. I’m hoping for religious nutjob. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders.

Chip Saltsman

Who? He was the powerhouse, mind-man behind the amazing success of non-president Mike Huckabee. Saltsman is being given credit for running Huckabee’s campaign well. Um. Okay. The only reason Huckabee was even close is because he was the craziest religious nut in the race. All the mindless drones punched his ballot for the baby Jesus. But he did outlast Romney and Giuliani, or as they will be known on their new sitcom, The Mormon and Lispy, so he gets some sort of credit. Saltsman was also chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party. Yowza! And a political advisor for Bill Frist’s PAC, as well as development director and the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Wow. That’s an amazing resume of not much. This is whom I want to win. He’s a religious nut and quite inexperienced. Go Saltsman!

Jim Greer

Jimbo is the Florida Republican Party chairman, so he knows how to steal elections, which is a huge plus. After that, his resume is not as awesome. He served two terms on the city council of Oviedo, Florida. And you know the old saying, "As Oviedo goes, so goes America." Also, Oviedo sounds like a brand of soap, which I find to be very attractive. He is less conservative than most other candidates, so I assume he doesn’t have much of a chance. If Republicans go with Jimbo, they could actually regain some power.

Michael Steele

He’s black! Huge plus for Republicans. They really, really want to pretend like they care about black people and putting a black man in charge would do a lot to carry on the myth. Steele is the chairman of GOPAC, which is like the Republican minor leagues. The PAC recruits and helps Republicans get elected to state and local offices. Heard of Sarah Palin She’s a product of GOPAC. So, obviously Steele is a fucking genius. What he is, is a Republican talking point machine.

He chaired the Maryland GOP from 2000-2002 and was lieutenant governor of Maryland from 2002-2006. He then ran for the Senate and lost. Steele believes in a less attack oriented version of the RNC. He doesn’t believe in beating Democrats as much as winning voters. Steele also helped found the Republican Leadership Council.

The Christian Right is very, very opposed to Steele, so his nomination could also swing the RNC to the middle. But he is like any other Republican on all other issues. By that I mean, he is really fucking stupid.

Mike Duncan

He’s the current chairman and he was the big, black guy in The Green Mile. Right? No? If Republicans pick Duncan, it means they think all is well. Some want him, but I can’t see it happening. They are not that stupid, are they?

Katon Dawson

Get your Katon on! Dawson has been the South Carolina Republican Party chairman for 6 kick ass years. It is really hard to get Republicans elected in South Carolina, so he should be praised for his great record. Dude is amazingly good at fundraising, which Republicans totally love. Katon recently held a conference about getting Katon Dawson elected as RNC chairman and peeps from all over the country attended. He has worked hard to bring minorities into the Republican Party. The religious nuts are into him.

Great. Just let us know what the “roots” are, because I see McCarthyism and corruption. Katon is being attacked for being super white, which is weird, considering Republicans usually see that as a feather in the cap. Times are a changing. But in the end, Katon is more of the same.

That’s the failure recipe that brought Republicans to where they are today. Katon is my #2 choice.

Saul Anuzis

Saul has been running the Michigan Republican Party since 2005. Obviously he is flourishing, because Michigan is a huge red state, right? No? He’s a former Teamster. Seriously. Saul is a good PR man and is all about the Republican Party getting its technological shit together. He wants to implement a 50 state Howard Dean type of strategy and actually sounds rather smart.

But then you get to the religious part and, well, the train goes off the tracks.

I can’t believe a guy named Saul is a religious nut. Saul is a big time long shot because Michigan Republicans didn’t produce. But he’s the one who worries me the most.

What he brings to the table is his enthusiasm, his PR savvy, and his knowledge and understanding of why the party needs to change technologically. It would be great if the Republicans took their time getting around to the technology stuff.

Ken Blackwell is also in the running, but he has no chance. His name is too dirty after the 2004 Ohio elections — and he's an idiot.

So, there you go. Take your pick. There are only one or two who can turn the party around, the rest are idiots that bring more of the same.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Senator Hillary Clinton will be the new Secretary of State beginning in January, which means her seat will open up and a new clown must be chosen for the clown car. Hillary was borderline undeserving of the job, but at least she got it by winning an election. She had never actually held office before, but was very involved in the Clinton White House and therefore had some experience. I am a firm believer that Senators should come up the ranks and be established campaigners before taking over the job. I definitely don't think they should get the job because their daddy and uncles are and were Democratic royalty.

Many Democrats are now salivating over the idea of Senator Caroline Kennedy. I mean, what's not to like? Her Dad was killed while he served as president, her uncle was killed while running for president and her other uncle is a still-alive senator. She has never served in office, never been elected, but her family has been all up in that shit, so why not give it to her? Like a gift. Sort of a present for having an awesome last name.

Ah, but you say, she's a very intelligent woman. "Word," I say back, because I am trapped in 1987. She is intelligent. She graduated from Harvard and has a law degree from Columbia. I'm sure it was difficult for her to get in to those schools. She has written books on constitutional law, which is always what one should look for in a politician. Writers are usually great with people. And there's more from her wiki page.

Well, anyone who can help put together a debate and the ballet is ready to take over one of the most important jobs in our country. Kennedy is known for avoiding the spotlight and not wanting to be in the public eye. She should be great on the campaign trail. Close your eyes and imagine shytown taking on Rudy Giuliani in 2010. That's the first time she'd have to square off against an opponent. Following that, she'd have to run again in 2012, for a six-year term. New York Senate race: Not the time to learn.

Many are saying New York governor Paterson should choose a woman, because Hillary was a woman. I think it would be better if he just chose the best candidate, but that's me. I am a lunatic. On the woman front, there are other candidates far more qualified than the princess. Rep. Carolyn Maloney and Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand are two women deserving of the senate nod.

There are also a boatload of men (I like my men in boatloads). Attorney General Andrew Cuomo; Congressman Brian Higgins of Buffalo; William Thompson, the city comptroller; and Adolfo Carrion, Bronx borough president. I would prefer guy-who-was-not-convicted-of-anything Eliot Spitzer, but that will obviously never happen.

The pressure on Paterson to pick a Kennedy will be enormous. People just love the idea of a Kennedy, no matter how undeserving and untested that Kennedy may be. Selecting Caroline Kennedy is nothing more than a slap in the face to the idea of America. Without the name, she's just another rich woman from New York, unworthy of the position.

Oh, good. She's just what the Senate needs right now; another Senator who is beholden to special interests and her fellow entitled politicians, rather than the people of New York. God forbid she actually earn it.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, well, look who came crawling back to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Last week, you screamed, "I can't take it anymore. Why are people so horrible?" Then you flung yourself onto your bed and wept for an entire day. Totally reasonable. But claiming you would never read the Roundup again? That was a horrible lie — just like when you said no more Meth. So here you are, about to read tales of the worst human beings on the planet, once again. Sit back, suck it up and take it in because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some horrible presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

I expect to be including George W. Bush in every Roundup from now until January 20th. Fear the shit he can still do. This week, Bush decided to pull down his pants, squat over our water and take a big shit in it. Bush approved a ruling that makes it easier for coal companies to dump dirt waste into streams and valleys.

Mountain Top Removal is shockingly destructive. The process has already devastated ecosystems and communities in Appalachia. Now, they can ruin the surface and groundwater. Thank God. Water is so fucking stupid — just go buy it if you can't use yours.

Was the Bush assault on water done there? Nope. Next he's going to allow an awesome neurotoxin into our water supplies.

No worries. Just years of a horrible toxin in our water system.

Hey, thyroids are fucking lame. They don't really do much. Plus, you can buy your water if you're worried about your stupid thyroid.

Next up, some parental Asshole Fuckfacery.

Meet Brenda Lyddon. She's from Iowa and she has a mentally disabled son. Naturally, that means she wants mentally disabled people to have their voting rights stripped away.

Or, you know, you could not be an Asshole Fuckface.

Wow. She challenged his ballot. She is wonderful mommy. I wonder why she went through all this trouble.

Uh huh. Maybe she's mad because her disabled son won and she lost. Also, she's kind of retarded for supporting for McCain.

Next up, copper Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jennifer and John Davis were headed to the hospital on Route 2 near Boston. The traffic was a nightmare, which was not good because she was about to shoot a baby out of her vagina. Her contractions were only three minutes apart. So, John, being a man and a father took evasive action. He drove in the breakdown lane, until he came upon a state trooper. He then asked Trooper Michael Galluccio if he could keep using the lane to reach the next exit. Unfortunately, Galluccio turned out to be an Asshole Fuckface.

Hey, it's the guy that makes people hate cops! Yay! He spent ten minutes writing them a ticket, then sent them on their way.

They made it to the hospital and the baby was born five hours later, which doesn't really mean shit. A woman in labor can give birth at any time and die during the process. Tooper Asshole Fuckface got lucky.

Finally, our last Asshole Fuckface was our first Asshole Fuckface.

Yes, it's George W. Bush again. This week he gave a fantastic interview, during which he was the same horrible, lying douchebag he has been all along. But this wasn't just an ordinary interview, this was the beginning of creating the Bush myth. Much like was done with Reagan, they will now begin lying in order to win the battle of history.



Saddam Hussein allowed International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors into Iraq in December 2002, four months before the war began. They destroyed Iraq's stockpiles of al Samoud missiles in early 2003.

On March 7, Hans Blix, the head of the IEAE inspection team, told the UN that, "At this juncture we are able to perform professional, no-notice inspections all over Iraq and to increase aerial surveys." Immediately after Blix' report, however, Bush warned the inspectors to prepare to leave Iraq. Ten days later, he ordered them out of the country. The invasion began three days later, on March 20.

Oh, and the White House sort of created the Office of Special Plans, run by Douglas Feith, to cherry pick intelligence so that we could attack Iraq.

George Bush is, of course, the greatest Asshole Fuckface of all time. Now we get to sit back and watch him and his criminal friends attempt to create his legacy.

Enjoy the Bush Legacy Project!


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

When Canada wants to bring down a government, we go about it a little bit differently than some other countries. When we wanted to throw off the shackles of English rule, we asked politely. The Queen was nice enough to give us the right to change our Constitution without having to go and ask the Queen again. I suspect she just wanted us to finally leave her alone.

Now, after disappointing election and a go-nowhere session of Parliament, Canada's left wing parties have finally grown some balls and decided they've had enough. They've banded together to ask the Queen's representative, the Governor General, to allow them to take over.

For those of you who don't obsessively follow Canadian politics (ie: 99% of you), here's the rundown of what has happened so far:

Canada had an election back in October. Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party formed a minority government by winning 143 of Canada's 308 seats in Parliament. Stephane Dion and the Liberal Party suffered a catastrophic drop in numbers, going from 103 seats in 2006 to 77 in 2008. Quebec's separatist Bloc Quebecois came in thrid with 49 seats and the New Democratic Party finished fourth with 37. There are also two independents in Parliament but no one really pays any attention to them. This means that the Conservatives need the support of at least one of the other parties to put through any legislation or economic matters (known as votes of confidence). If they lose the confidence of Parliament they are no longer seen as being able to lead the country. But we'll come back to that in a minute.

Last week the Conservatives presented their economic statement. They outlined the state of the Canadian economy and introduced some extremely contentious acts under the guise of saving money. They suggested suspending the right to strike for public workers, stating that a stable civil service is necessary for survival during economic hard times. They suspended pay increases for many civil servants, including members of Parliament and senators. And, in what may have been the tipping point of the statement, they proposed eliminating the public funding subsidy currently available to political parties. Parties are given $1.95 for every vote they receive in a federal election. This provides a great deal of the party funding. Moving to strike public funding overwhelmingly favours the Conservatives who draw a great deal of money from private and corporate donations. The opposition parties also strongly objected to the lack of a financial stimulus package which they feel is necessary to prop up Canada's suffering auto and forestry industries.

So the opposition stands ready to defeat the Conservative government when the statement faces a confidence vote on Monday. If the government is defeated, Prime Minister Harper will be forced to go to the Governor General to inform her that he has lost the confidence of Parliament. Normally this would trigger an election but we just finished an election and the opposition parties have cooked up something brilliant and new.

They joined together to form a proposed coalition government. The Liberals and NDP have signed an agreement that would form a new government. The Bloc, while not officially part of the new government, have agreed to support it for at least 18 months. The coalition now awaits the official word from the Governor General.

Now, to answer the question being screamed all over the internet. "IS THIS LEGAL WTF OMG!?!?! HOW CAN THEY DO THIS?!?" Easily. While it is standard procedure for the Governor General to call a new election when a government loses confidence, it is not her only option.

She may consult with Parliament to see if there is another party who would have the confidence of Parliament. That is the solution currently being presented to her. Harper can also attempt to beat the coalition to the punch and ask the Governor General to suspend Parliament until January. The hope is to come back with a better proposal and to allow the coalition time to fall apart. The whole country now awaits the decision of Michaelle Jean who is on her way back from a tour of Europe. She is expected to meet with Harper tomorrow.

The thought of a coalition has sent waves of outrage across the country. I've personally been involved in half a dozen arguments with close friends over the issue. A handful of protesting Facebook groups have already sprung up and are seeing their memberships grow by the hour. I've even seen calls for the Western provinces (Alberta being a Conservative stronghold) to separate from Canada. The irony of calling for Western separation while railing against the separatist Bloc party is not lost on me.

No matter what happens, this has been one of the more interesting events in Canadian politics in recent years.


FreakPirate fully supports the formation of a coalition government. Unfortunately he seems to be among the minority of people who actually understand Canadian politics and has some common sense.

It took a while, but Ronald Reagan finally destroyed America. The myth of Reagan, told during many a conservative circle jerk, has recently been crushed by reality. Ronald Reagan has made America less safe, less powerful and less wealthy. At this point, his great accomplishment – the collapse of the Soviet Union – looks incredibly ironic, like rain on your wedding day. Reagan’s economic policies have taken us the to brink of global unimportance. Only people with brains could have seen this coming.

Sound familiar? That quote can now be applied to the Reagan-Bush-Bush years. The mythical Reagan recovery is about as real as a unicorn. We had a boom in the mid 80s, but the people who did well were the rich. The middle class and the poor certainly didn’t benefit. By 1990, middle class incomes were the same as 1980 and poverty had gone up. Then we were slammed by another recession. Wow, that’s some impressive shit.

American production didn’t pick up again until the mid-nineties. So, that means Reagan’s kick ass tax cuts for the rich didn’t get things rolling until 1995. Weird, huh? Of course, it all ended again brutally a few years after Bush II took over and lowered taxes of the rich again. Strange coincidence that. Bush continues Reagan’s idiotic policies of helping the rich but he added a fantastic touch: Start an expensive war with no articulated finish line. And just like Reagan, he started his presidency during a recession, which allowed him to claim his moronic economic policies worked when there was an inevitable recovery. Only, just like Reagan, production did not increase. The poor got poorer, the middle class shrunk and the rich got richer.

When Clinton came into office he raised taxes. At that time we were experiencing a terrible recession. Not one Republican Congressman or Senator voted for the tax raise. They all screamed that it would ruin the economy. How’d that work out?

The other big linchpin in the Reagan destruction of our nation is deregulation. It led to the savings and loan crisis, the Enron disaster and the current housing and credit crisis. That’s a pretty sweet record. When Reagan took office, we had a total debt of around 1 trillion dollars. Now it’s at 11 trillion.

Since the Reagan days we have been existing as a credit card economy. Now the time has come to pay the bill – and it is going to be ugly. The days of America as the global leader are over. When we nationalized large parts of our banking system, we acknowledged the American free market way of doing things was a failure. The only comparison of such a failure would be the Soviet Union. You know, the big bad country Reagan killed. He just happened to kill America, too. We’ve just been walking around with a stomach wound waiting to die.

America has spent decades lecturing other countries on finance. We are the ones who knew how to do it. The International Monetary Fund has enforced the American creed. Not doing it our way led to a decrease in aid for a few countries. We certainly gave quite a bit of shit to China, the country whose banks are not failing left and right.

Both Bush and Reagan excelled at jacking up military costs, while lowering taxes. That’s pretty much economic suicide. It’s also what doomed Britain after WWI and the Soviet Union. So, now we have to look to those countries that did not bow to American pressure to do things our way to bail us out. Now, that is ironic, like rain on your wedding day.

Regardless, we are no more. At least, not in the global sense. This is Reagan’s legacy. The policy of big spending and deregulated markets will have the end result of far less global power. Russia didn’t just happen to fight Georgia at this time. Hugo Chavez isn’t coincidentally talking endless shit about America at this exact moment. Iran isn’t bragging about 5,000 centrifuges now for the hell of it. They are all doing it because they know we are a clawless beast. We can’t afford to do what we have done in the past. Our economy can no longer support our military the way it has. It’s over.

And it’s not just military might, but the money we spread around to keep countries friendly isn’t there either. Iceland, one of the hardest hit nations of the crisis, asked for help from the U.S.. We couldn’t provide it, so they went to the next guy: Russia. Russia bailed out Iceland and now they have a new friend in the Atlantic. That same friend now dislikes America and England. That was fast.

The only way out of this recession – or depression – will be massive government spending, which means even more dependence on foreign governments. We could inflate our way out of the debt, which would lead to the dollar being dropped as the world’s reserve currency. Or the countries bailing us out will use the debt to shift the balance of power in their favor. Those are pretty much the options. That’s the Reagan legacy. Remember when he stared the evil Soviet Empire in the face, took it down and then ruined America with unsustainable economic policies? What an epic failure he was.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Chalk up a big win for the terrorists. Not only did they execute a heinous plan with shocking effectiveness, but it also went on for days. Literally, for three days. And in doing so, they created a blue print for terrorists worldwide to follow in the future. They worked in pairs, they used guns and grenades and they spread out in several different locations. Sounds like the perfect plan of attack for a country like the US. And very hard to stop.

The 10 terrorists arrived in the city by water after taking over an Indian boat and killing the five sailors aboard. After landing in small rubber boats on an isolated beach, the casually dressed young men fanned out across the city. The walk took no longer than 15 minutes. They attacked 10 different locations in two hours. Most of the attacks ended quickly, but the battle at three locations went on for days, as they fought back against hundreds of Indian commandos.

They were very well trained. They knew the locations they were going to attack –– the best way to enter without being spotted, the layout of the basements and hallways and where guards would be. They also carried bags of almonds with them for nourishment.

At 9:30 p.m., the first terrorist attacked an Orthodox Chabad Lubavitch Center in a trendy neighborhood. The Jewish center was well known in the city. The terrorists would remain in the center for three days.

Just after 9:30 p.m., two terrorists attack a famous tourist hangout, Leopold Café and Bar. First they lobbed a grenade and then they opened fire. The attack lasted for about 2 minutes. At least 7 are dead and an unknown number are injured. During the chaos, people ran, so the total is not known. From there, the two terrorists jogged down the street to the Taj Mahal Hotel

They arrive at the hotel at 9:45 p.m. and open fire in the lobby. Again, people scatter, this time back into the hotel where they hide. Many would later be found and executed.

Two minutes later, two terrorists attack Mumbai’s main train station, Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus. They started by shooting into a glass-fronted restaurant and continued through the station. As they shot and threw grenades, they were very calm, even stopping for discussions about what to do next. While one would reload, the other would keep watch.

By the time the attack at the train station was over, 53 people were killed. The terrorists escaped by stealing a truck.

At 10 p.m., two terrorists hit the Oberoi Hotel. It’s another luxury hotel popular with tourists. They, again, hit a restaurant first. After, they run into a second restaurant and shoot at the diners and waiters.

Then the two killers force those still alive into a stairway. They ask for identification in order to locate the Americans and Britons, who are then taken upstairs, where they will become hostages. Most people in the hotel hole up in their rooms.

Five minutes later, two terrorists attack a police station. Two bombs go off in other areas of the city, both in taxis. The terrorists then quickly move to a hospital, where they open fire. At that point, they wait behind a tree for a police vehicle to show up. As it pulls up, they shoot at the truck, killing most of the police and commandeering the truck. One of the officers killed is the Mumbai anti-terrorist chief. As the terrorists drive around the city, they laugh at the ineffectiveness of the police’s bulletproof vests and shoot out of the windows at journalists and police, until they are finally stopped.

Over the next couple of hours, police kill the three and capture one of the terrorists who had taken vehicles. But the night is filled with chaos as the police try to get an understanding of how large the attack is and where the terrorists are. The four in the hotels and the two at the Jewish Center are still holding hostages and fighting off police.

At 9 am the next day, police begin trying to take back the hotels. As they do, the terrorists begin killing hostages. They also set fires in the hotel and set off grenades. These are not your ordinary terrorists.

At 7 a.m. Friday morning, police launch an effort to take back the Jewish Center. They surround the building with sharpshooters, then land on the roof from helicopters and begin working their way down. Throughout the day, gunfire and explosions are heard. The building is finally taken back at 6 p.m. that night, after a police rocket takes out the upper floor. Nine are dead, including the Rabbi and his wife.

The operation at the Oberoi hotel is wrapping up. Hostages run from the building and are taken to hospitals. Police exit the building at 3 p.m. Friday and say the terrorists are dead. They killed 32 people. Hundreds of people were saved.

Throughout Friday night, fighting continues in the Taj Hotel. Journalists report from the street, as gunfire and explosions are heard in the hotel. The hotel catches fire again. At 8:30 a.m. the fight is over, after 60 hours of hell.

As authorities begin to look at what happened, doctors report many of the hostages were brutally tortured.

Over 195 people were killed, including at least 20 police officers and more than 141 civilians –– including 22 foreigners.

Some of the attackers are believed to have escaped. Shivraj Patil, the Indian home minister, resigns, as does India's national security adviser, MK Narayanan.

The scary thing is how simple this kind of attack is, especially if attempted in America. It would be more than easy to get the guns you would need to pull off an attack. It certainly would be easy to get into the country. This is clearly a blue print for future attacks. Bombs are more difficult to manufacture and pull off –– and once it happens it’s over. This was like a terrorist’s wet dream. It went on for days. I don’t care what city you live in, attacks in several different locations by several different men are going to cause chaos for the responders. That’s not the case with a bomb.

They trained their terrorists for urban warfare. They knew where to attack first to cause the most damage. They knew where and how the police would show up. They understood exactly where to go, both on the streets and in the buildings. They were heavily armed and brought food. They knew whom they wanted to kill and whom they didn’t. They entered large buildings full of people that would make them difficult to locate. Worst of all, it was very effective and went on for days.

From where I’m sitting, this is a very, very bad thing.

Oh, and I wonder where they learned their urban warfare tactics. Anyone know of any wars going on?


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Now that you’ve crammed a shocking amount of turkey into your talky hole and visited with your delightful family, it’s time to get back to reality. Of course, I am referring to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You should know that because it’s the title of this article. The first Roundup was created to destroy the sweet afterglow of holiday cheer and it has continued to this day, 1796 years later. "Why?," you ask. But I don’t answer. Just accept it and shut your face. We shouldn’t question such things. This week’s collection of Asshole Fuckfaces is, as usual, heinous. So, put on your best velvet shower curtain because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some amazing corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Taneka Talley went to work at the Dollar Tree in Fairfield, California on March 29, 2006. That was apparently a huge mistake, because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Tommy Thompson had decided to kill the first black person he saw that day. It turned out to be Taneka. She was stabbed in the heart while working at the store and died. Now, Talley’s son is being raised by his grandmother and the Dollar Tree is trying to make it into the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame.

A personal relationship? Maybe he knew her from outside of work? Nope. Maybe they had a relationship online? Nope. Maybe they met at her job Nope. The personal relationship was actually not very intimate.

So, it was one of those "never met her in my life" personal relationships. Hopefully no one gets raped while working at the Dollar Tree, because that would mean they were attacked for having a vagina. The Asshole Fuckfaces at the Dollar Tree who made this decision are some of the most disgusting people on the face of the Earth. Hopefully they suffer horribly.

Next up, a little U.S. Asshole Fuckface stupidity.

Sikhism is the fifth largest religion in the world. It is based on the teachings of a dude named Nanak who was kicking around India in the fifteenth century. Many Sikhs wear turbans, which are an article of faith that represents honor, self-respect, courage, spirituality, and piety. Many also have kick-ass long beards, which means they look like the cartoon version of an Arab to ignorant Americans. Morons targeted many Sikhs after 9/11 in the U.S..

A couple of weeks ago, three popular Sikh musicians got on a US Airways flight in Sacramento, headed for Salt Lake City. That’s when the trouble started.

Well, that was decent of them. Surely there must be a reasonable explanation.

Oh, good. Well, the pilot saved all the other passengers from another U..S Sikh attack. Dear Asshole Fuckface pilot, try reading a book. They really are fun and knowing stuff doesn’t hurt.

Next up, some delightful Australian teenage Asshole Fuckfacery.

Five Australian teenagers were having a rough night. They were driving around in a Subaru, which had been impounded a couple of weeks ago for “hooning offenses.” (Hooning basically means driving like an asshole). As they rounded a corner, they collided with a van. The elderly couple in the van were severely injured.

Now what to do? You’ve just been involved in a terrible accident and the passengers in the other car appear to be in very bad shape. Well, you don’t do anything.

True, but it is hard to help on an empty stomach.

Maccas is McDonalds in Australia. They were in a car that had been impounded for hooning, then just happened to get in an accident in an area known for hooning, then they sat down and ate a meal while a couple in the other car hung on to life. That is some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and the old man died.

Next up, Black Friday shopper Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obviously, I know how hard it is to stand outside of a Wal-Mart before the doors are open. We’ve all been there. Standing outside, salivating as we think of all the cheap, toxic-filled, Chinese products lining the shelves. The day after Thanksgiving was no different.

Thirty-four year old Jdimytai Damour of Queens was on the other side of the door. He was a temp worker hired by Wal-Mart (I guess to avoid paying the health insurance they don’t pay) to do maintenance work. I didn't work out so well when he opened the door.

If you are stampeding to get into Wal-Mart any day of the year, just kill yourself. You have reached a depth of sadness I can’t comprehend.

That’s about as horrible as it gets. Being a human being, I would have felt terrible that I had been a part of such a tragedy. Right?

First, I don't know what's worse - that you killed someone trying to get into a Wal-Mart or that you were lined up all of Thanksgiving Day outside of a Wal-Mart. Second, did anybody order McDonalds? I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do around dead people now.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This is the day we Americans come together to celebrate thanks and stuff. In 1619, English settlers arrived at Berkeley Hundred, a settlement 20 miles north of Jamestown in the Colony of Virginia. When they arrived they celebrated a “day of Thanksgiving” to God. Three years later, 9 of the 38 settlers were brutally murdered by Indians. Throughout Virginia, nearly 1/3 of all settlers were killed during the Indian Massacre of 1622. The location of America’s first Thanksgiving was abandoned. With that in mind, it’s time to give thanks!

First up, the economy. How awesome is our economy? Pretty awesome, is the answer. Who would have thought getting rid of all the regulations that were put in place to prevent another Great Depression would lead to such awesomeness? We are close to reaching a wonderful milestone.

Use those food stamps to buy turkey and thank the devastatingly horrible economy.

Next, I am thankful for rendition. We are truly blessed to be citizens of a nation that snatches people off the street anywhere in the world, denies them due process, imprisons them and deprives them of legal council. Hell, we have kidnapped over 100 people from Europe alone! They are all rotting away in dark holes, like so many unwanted Tofurkeys. Thank you, rendition.

That brings us to torture. Man, if you would have told me 10 years ago we would be torturing human beings in 2008, I’d have said you were nuts. But were doing it! Thanks be to Jesus! And we pretend it is legal!

And we thank them for it.

Next up, I’d like to give thanks for signing statements. For the past 8 years, George Bush has been shitting on the Constitution and the entire idea of the Separation of Powers by adding and taking out whatever he wanted to when bills reached his desk from Congress. He even created a shadow government using Executive Orders that allow the president to take over during a national emergency and gather all the powers of the federal government into the office of the president –– you know, like a dictator. We give thanks for the shadow government.

Next up, I fall to my knees and thank the existence of the war on terror. Really, really good stuff. All we have to do is mention the “Global War on Terror" and we can pretty much do whatever in the fuck we want. Terrorism? Nope. Terror. All of it. We are fighting a war against a tactic. And when the Global War on Terror is over, we will launch a Global War on Flanking. So, today we should be thankful we are not fighting the small, pitiful Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the War Against al Qaeda. We are thankful they have all been crammed under a vague umbrella that allows us to indiscriminately do horrible things in the name of freedom.

While we are on the subject of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for the million people we have on the Terror Watch List. Can you believe it? Without a Terror Watch List, one million Americans would be walking around not being watched. Terrorists. One million of them. All Americans. We should all be thankful we are keeping an eye on those fuckers today.

Also, I would like to take the time to give thanks for domestic spying. I mean, there are one million people on the Terror Watch List, so we’ve got to keep an eye on them, right? There is no reason why any American should be allowed to speak freely in America without the Eye of Mordor keeping watch. I am thankful that in years to come we will be astounded at the amount of spying that occurred during these times.

And speaking of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for pre-emptive war. At some point, hopefully we’ll be able to declare war on pre-emptive war and have a pre-pre-emptive war.

And while I am thanking pre-emptive war and the Global War on Terror, I’d like to toss a big thanks out to the privatization of the military. I’m talking to you Blackwater and Halliburton. You increased the inefficiency of our military and decreased accountability, while increasing costs. Truly awesome. I thank you.

Mostly, I’d like to thank Congress for all of this. Without their shocking weakness and lack of understanding of their role in our government, none of this would have been possible. The C in Congress stands for cave. And cave they do, over and over.

Please, add a reason you are thankful to the message board on this blessed day.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Will the Republican crying ever stop? It is pathetic to still have to listen to some Republican child whining about the perceived positive media treatment of Obama. It’s absolutely hysterical when you look at the facts. McCain was the media’s boy. They practically gave him rimjobs for months, until he turned into an incapable, angry old piece of shit. Then the media actually did its job. And the right wing douchebags can’t handle it.

The most amazing thing about this incessant bitching is how Bush was treated for the past eight years. As the nation's most shockingly pathetic president, Bush was hardly touched by the press for years. The man is a fucking war criminal and he was constantly given the kid glove treatment by the press. He should have been raped. By words. Seriously. The man should have been raped by words. I don’t know how that works technically, but it should have happened. Every single day.

But let’s move beyond the blatant hypocrisy and look at the actual facts. Before McCain went insanely negative and decided to lie his way to the White House, the press loved him so much they would have cleaned his dirty balls with their tongues. They were his base, according to Chris Matthews.

Aw. That’s nice. Overall, Obama received very fair media coverage.

Hmm. Not so bad, right? Sort of. Turns out the media were more negative toward Obama and positive toward McCain at the beginning, and then it turned. Maybe it started out well because of the McCain media barbeque.

Yeah, that’s some quality journalism. If Obama had held a barbeque for the media, America would have shit pure bile. But nobody said a word about Grandpa McCain grilling up some meat for the media. As a matter of fact, they loved it.

Did he tickle you on the couch?

Must have been awesome. I’m surprised they didn’t start spooning McCain to sleep at night. A flurry of positive McCain stories followed; sometimes reporters slid into a weird man love situation.

Um. Do you guys need me to leave?

Meanwhile, Obama was getting the brunt of repeated negative attacks. His trip to Europe was too much. The media feasted on his connection to Reverend Wright for months. His connection to criminal Rezko was picked through obsessively. One of his consultant’s comments on NAFTA was falsely twisted and blown out of proportion, causing him to lose big in Ohio during the primaries. His lack of flag pin wearing was talked about incessantly. Oh, and was he patriotic? Hmm, better ask the people.

And the wife was not off limits. Michelle made a gaff during a speech about whether or not she was proud to be an American and the media went apeshit. And occasionally she was called a bitch.

She must be a black militant, I mean, she went to Harvard.

The truth of what happened is that the media followed the polls.

The little baby Republicans are just upset because they don’t remember what it’s like to be on the other side. McCain dug his own grave by running the most heinous campaign I’ve ever seen. Lies, racism, more lies and focusing on bullshit points when America was on fire led to his negative media coverage. He dug his own grave. The media coverage was a reflection of the worst run campaign since the mighty Rudy Giuliani.

And the negative coverage wasn’t gone. It ebbed and flowed, like the mind of John McCain.



That big dip before the 2nd debate was when the media was bringing up the Ayers nonsense over and over. It didn’t stick, mostly because our country was in the middle of dying and people didn’t give a shit about some “terrorist” not convicted of anything 30 years ago. What they did care about was the shockingly pathetic choice of Sarah Palin, McCain’s insanely retarded choices during the beginning of the economic meltdown and his angry persona during the debates. Turns out making stupid decisions and being an asshole doesn’t lead to positive stories. While McCain was melting down and making mistakes left and right, Obama was running a smooth and smart campaign, giving the media nothing to attack.

Then McCain began began attacking the media because he was so used to being their lover. No longer were the media editing out footage of John McCain not knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, as CBS had done two months earlier. Now the media were doing their jobs.

And the ensuing election result went as expected. But the right wing and other idiots can’t help but try to rewrite history. Yesterday, Time magazine’s Mark Halperin opened his dumbhole and let loose.

Oh. Let’s have an example, shall we?

Oh, shit. The story really didn’t talk about her awesome mothering skills Who says that without then pulling a hammer out of a bag and hitting himself in the head?

Huh. None of that black militant stuff? This would be due to the fact that they couldn’t find anything. And because the media and the public weren’t biting on the usual bullshit stories. Now, let’s take a look at some ideas Halperin had for McCain early in the campaign. From a list of what McCain should do to beat Obama:

That’s the guy who thinks the positive media treatment of Obama was disgusting. He’s basically Mr. Crybaby Shit Pants. The media didn’t destroy Obama using fucked up and bullshit attacks, so they didn’t do their job. The media didn’t sink to the lows they usually go to, because the nation is literally in peril and the consequences of focusing on issues that don’t matter could be huge. This election was not treated like a game, as it usually is and McCain suffered because of it. In years passed his “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” comment would have been ignored in favor of talk about Ayers. McCain was nothing short of an angry idiot during this campaign and the coverage was a refection of reality. He was a shit candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Obama was an amazing candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Get over it you immense babies.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckfacing is upon us! Thrusting and pounding on our precious innocence every single day! We must cleanse ourselves with a thorough reading and understanding of their actions. Then, we must heap scorn and ridicule upon them! That is what the baby Jesus would have wanted. Trust me, he totally would have. Also, that John Smith guy would have been down with it, too. As would all of his wives. I have scoured the Earth to bring you the worst Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet. Hold on to your burlap sacks, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface shows off for his wanna be lady.

Meet Anthony Zitnick. He’s a 21-year-old who is doing what he can to impress 16-year-old girls. Back where I was from, that was considered to be some serious loser behavior. But I don’t want to judge people from Florida for trying to bang underage girls, because it is an awesome state.

Back in 2005, Zitnick did a little yard work for a gentleman named Alan Rigerman, after Hurricane Wilma. Rigerman gave Zitnick a key. Oh, and Rigerman legally keeps “two cougars and several snakes, tortoises and alligators at his home.”

Uh oh. Cougars, a 21-year-old has been and the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. This isn’t going to go well.

Yeah, Zitnick decided to show off. He took the 16-year-old girl to Rigerman’s house. Enter cougar stage right.

Seriously, thanks for helping out, Zit. I know, it’s totally shocking that the cougar is attacking the walking meat sack you brought by. Please, don’t move.

Oh, man. It's like the classic movie moment, where the nerd brings a girl to meet a cougar, the cougar bites and starts eating her head and then the jock saves the day.

The girl was released from the hospital after being treated for injuries sustained in a kitchen cougar attack.

Hopefully they treated him with a kick to the balls.

Next up, English Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t be on juries.

Last July, Jane McKenna, 33, and her husband invited another couple over for a barbeque. At some point the other couple had an argument and the woman went home, leaving Jason Jeal, 37, to sleep on the McKenna’s couch. Then everyone went to bed.

Yes. Dude was raping mom while she was in her 9-year-old’s bed. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. His DNA was found on Mrs. McKenna. So, he went with the obvious defense any of us would use: I was asleep when I raped you.

And it worked.

Man, that first time sleepwalking is a bitch. You get in all kinds of mischief!

A jury of complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. "Sorry, I was asleep," is now officially an excuse for rape.

Next up, the ultimate Asshole Fuckface opens his yap.

Karl Rove is by far one of the worst human beings alive. This week he wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, in which he gave advice to Barack Obama.

Um. Wait. re you actually giving Obama advice on politicizing the Department of Justice? You? The guy who instigated the political imprisonment of the former governor of Alabama. The guy who oversaw the firing of US Attorney’s because they wouldn’t conduct fraudulent political prosecutions? Oh, and thanks for bringing up the name of the guy who investigated you but couldn’t prosecute because the administration engaged in lying and obstruction of justice.

The ironic hubris is astounding. But you will always look like that, so I consider it a win.

Finally, an Asshole Fuckface knows whom to blame for the California fires.

You can always count on some religious lunatic to make a connection that would cause Jesus to vomit. This week it was James Hartline of the James Hartline Report. Jimmy took a look at the fires in California and right away knew the cause: Gays. Seriously, what else could it be?

See, God hates the gay agenda. That's why San Francisco is always engulfed by hell fires. Seriously, it's like gay blow torch up in that bitch.

“Advocates of Sexual Anarchy” are a great band. I think. Honestly, I don’t know what he is talking about. It sounds like a band, though, right?

Massachusetts. Seriously. Huge hole in your gay fire theory.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I’m going with depression. It will certainly be worse than anything I have witnessed in my lifetime. I am currently 77 years old. My neck skin actually touches the ground. Anyway, what we are looking at is a big bad economic turndown. The only way to save our asses is an FDR type stimulus plan. If Obama doesn’t pull that off, we will become a country dominated by huge corporations and huge government (And no, we are not there yet).

Last Friday, the Labor Department kicked out some “surprising” news. Unemployment is up. Way up. It’s only surprising because idiots keep thinking were at a bottom. We are far from it. Before this fucker is over, we’re going to lose 10 million jobs. In September we had 2,269 mass layoffs. That’s a 57% increase from September 2007. This is a runaway train.

Good news for people investing in food pantries, though! People can’t afford food!

Indiana

Pennsylvania

Nebraska

Just Google “Food Pantry.” It’s fun!

Not only are people losing their jobs, but they are staying unemployed longer. Since October 2007, the median duration of unemployment has gone up from 9 to 11 weeks. The more people lose the jobs, the more people are seeking jobs, the longer it takes to get a job.

During recessions, the U.S. doesn’t usually do too bad. We are a big ass country, so while one area may be getting hit hard, other areas can pick up a bit of the slack. That’s not what is happening now. We are going down everywhere, so people can’t move to an area that is doing better. The U.S. hasn’t experienced this kind of fucked up economy since the 1930s.

We are losing jobs in every sector of our economy. By “every,” I mean construction, leisure and hospitality, agriculture, education and health services, government workers, self employed peeps, financial peeps, information services, transportation and utilities, retail, nondurable goods, durable goods and manufacturing.

So we are hemorrhaging jobs. What to do? How about cutting interest rates to increase borrowing and spending? Nope. The Federal Reserve has already cut that fucker down to the bone. We have an empty chamber there.

How about the traditional borrowing by consumers during a recession? Uh oh. We are in debt up to our assholes. In 2001, we borrowed to get out of that recession, but this time we can’t. Housing prices have dropped and credit is tightening. That means no refinancing, no home equity loans. Gonna hit up that 401K? Good luck. 50% of U.S. households don’t have one. In 2001, they were averaging $96,000. The 50-75% peeps have a whopping $15,000 on average. They were sitting pretty with $222,000 in 2001. Not looking too good is it? We have no savings. None. Zip. And we can’t get loans. Credit cards are the next big bust. Expect companies to begin pulling cards and lowering credit limits.

That would be round two of the American economic shit-kicking. When the credit cards go bye bye, things will get really bad.

Bank credit always declines during recessions, so this is no surprise. It’s just that this time, it looks worse than many of our past recessions. And add to that our currency situation. The Bush administration has been weakening the dollar since 2001 in order to grow U.S. exports. It worked. And the dollar plummeted to new lows. Now the dollar is strengthening again. But it's still not anywhere near where it needs to be to deal with this recession.

So, we can’t use the usual monetary, currency or credit tools to get out of this recession.

We have been heading for this nightmare for years. We started expanding credit in 1980 and have been following an unsustainable path ever since. Now the chickens are coming home to fuck us in the ass. (They are horrible chickens.) We basically went on a credit bender, which led to everything falling apart. First the U.S. credit market froze up, then the international credit market. Thankfully, we have the worst president in the history of our country in charge and he has been failing as best he can. The Fed and the Treasury Department have given lots of money to loosen up the credit market, but the banks are using it for bonuses and vacations. Had the money been given to homeowners and small business owners, it would have gone straight into the economy. Instead, they are sitting on it.

Now Bush and company are saying they won’t give any of the bailout money to the auto industry. Super. What we need now is a massive layoff of workers. That’ll give this teetering economy a boost. Oh, and the Chinese are waiting in the wings to buy GM and Chrysler.

If the Chinese buy GM and Chrysler, then there is no reason for Toyota, Nissan and BMW to build cars in the U.S.. The only reason they do so is to because of American consumer pressure. They want to appear to be helping the American worker. With no American company to compete with, they’d be south of the border in a heartbeat.

The government will have to bail out the car companies. But where does it stop? As the economy continues to fail and more and more industries begin to fail, how much does the government inject?

Obama needs to take a look at what kind of economy we want at the end of this crisis. Bailouts cannot just go to big companies. A bailout of Tesla Motors, along with the big car companies, will help further our future outlook. Companies like Tesla have a big upside and they the type of company that has made America a economic giant. Bailouts cannot come at the expense of the little guy.

We must change everything. From this point forward, borrowers should pursue lenders, not vise versa. Lenders should only mail credit card solicitations to people who are credit worthy, not anyone with a social security number. Credit card companies should not punish people who pay off their bills, while rewarding those who increase debt. Houses are for living in, not making a quick buck. We start using credit to buy things like cars, not vacations. Oh, and banks shouldn’t have to be told by the government to check out a person’s credit rating and job situation before giving them a loan. They should actually just want to do it themselves. The government needs to encourage investment and savings, not shopping at all costs.

And we need a long term, New Deal type of plan. Investment in our infrastructure is a must. We are looking at some seriously fucked up times over the next couple of years. Long-term investment is the only way to go. Inaction will be devastating.

Either way, we are going to see some seriously ugly shit over the next couple of years.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Warning: This subject might be too graphic and, frankly, depressing for some. It involves severe child abuse and murder.

Making limited headlines lately, and for the last few years, has been the modern witch hunt going on in several countries in Africa.

This is when someone claiming to be a religious authority pronounces that a child is a witch and must be driven out of his or her home. Often, this authority will charge the family several months' pay to perform an exorcism in an effort to save the child. This effort often turns out to be for naught, and the child is sent out to the streets.



Sometimes, they are killed. You know, to be safe. Can't have witches ruling the streets. These murders are not gentle or quick. Often, the child is murdered after extensive torture.



Sometimes, it's the parents who decide the child is a witch.



There are only two possible scenarios here:
1) The children really are witches.
2) The children are not witches.

If the second scenario is true, then we have two other scenarios to consider:
1) The religious authorities proclaiming the children's guilt are dangerously, harmfully delusional.
2) The religious authorities proclaiming the children's guilt are some of the most evil people the world has ever seen.

Given the Western world's brush with witchcraft and the persecution thereof, I think it's safe to say that the children are probably not witches. If they are, they are probably harmless. Our own witches didn't end up doing much harm after we stopped burning them. Life expectancy and quality actually went up. A lot. That probably has less to do with the freedom of witches to practice their magic, more to do with the rise of rational thought and reduction of superstition.

Like our very own Abigail Williams, this story also has its stars. One of those stars is a remarkably evil or deluded woman named Helen Ukpabio. Helen is an evangelist and creator of B-rated horror movies.



She makes these movies to warn people about the dangers of child witches and witchcraft. She is probably responsible for more abandoned, murdered or abused children than anyone else here discussed.

Apparently, you can email her at helenukpai@yahoo.com. I sort of doubt that it's that simple, but hey, it worked with Sarah Palin.

Surely, such a person would be reviled universally. Speaking out against her would draw only support, much like discussing the evils of Fred Phelps and his family. Well, you'd think. Sadly, superstition reigns supreme. These people honestly believe there is a threat and that Helen is doing a service in combating it.

Unfortunately, we cannot disprove witchcraft. We cannot prove that no such thing exists, since you can't prove a negative. There is nothing to present, no proof to be had. We can only show that there's no reason to think that witchcraft is real, and try to demonstrate that its existence isn't (and probably won't ever be) proven. That doesn't even work in the most educated civilizations of the world. People tend largely to ignore the processes of logic, critical thought and the scientific method. Try too hard to present the evidence and they will ignore your arguments in favor of declaring you closed-minded.

After all - these children could be witches.

This is an extreme example of what a lack of understanding can do. Something like this will probably never happen on a large scale in America (you know, again). We like to limit ourselves to just a few.

What can you do about it? You can give money to people trying to help.

What else?

Well, chances are, this sounded intolerable to you the second you heard what's happening. Your immediate reaction was probably something like, "I have to stop this." Or, better, "We have to stop this." Most people will react that way once they hear about it. So tell them. The best way to help is to get more people who will help.

What about stopping it when it happens here? Well, that's a bit tougher. You have to learn how to think and then spread that knowledge. Know your fallacies so that you're not taken in by shabby arguments or claims. Learn the actual history of the world so you can be prepared when faced with ignorance. Follow the news so that you can prevent the fires before they start or put them out before they spread.

But mostly, you need to know what makes superstition and ignorance dangerous. You need to know why it's not always a matter of letting people believe what makes them happy -– too often, it's life or death. And too often, those hurt most are those who don't yet have the tools to distinguish reality from fantasy, or the means to defend themselves from the delusions of others –– children. You need to have the guts to tell people that sometimes they're just wrong and it's not a matter of opinion, but do it such in a way that they'll still listen.

If we can raise awareness here, we can raise it there. If efforts to increase knowledge and logic become mainstream, they will actually gain enough power to have an effect. It's not about being smarter than everyone else. It's about saving lives. And anyone can do it.

The fact is, the people killing the so-called child witches probably believe they are doing the right thing. Humans as a whole are not predisposed to such evil. Every instinct we have demands that we preserve and propagate our genes, which means raising and protecting our children. To murder one's own legacy, or to assent to that murder? That requires powerful, unwavering, legendary faith.