Most people do not know that Asshole Fuckfaces are not born, they are hatched in filth. Like maggots, they feed on death or shit for nourishment. At some point, they burrow into the Earth and begin their transformation process. After several years, they burst forth from the soil as fully formed humans. Then they live on Earth for a while, doing the Asshole Fuckface work, until they shed their human skin and metamorphose into pure energy balls of hate. True story. But for now, the ones that walk the planet must be revealed to all, so that we may laugh at how horrible they are. This week gave us a bountiful harvest of Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your leather poncho, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, apples don’t fall far from the Asshole Fuckface tree.

Bob Schaffer is a former Republican Congressman who is currently running for the Senate in Colorado. He’s a quality individual who loves human rights abuses, the company of lobbyists engaged in illegal activity, forced abortions, and helping oil companies secure contracts in opposition of the State Departments wishes.

Now his son, Justin Schaffer, is in the spotlight because he apparently learned quite a bit from the old man. Justin attends the University of Dayton and he has a Facebook page. Holy shit does he have a Facebook page.

Well, he said everything but “anti-Christ.” All in good fun, right?

Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m guessing Jesus would not hold an M-16. The kid is drowning in retarded slogans.



I saved the best for last.



Ha ha ha. Slavery! Fun shit, especially if you are a privileged, white Asshole Fuckface. Please, Dayton, throw this piece of shit out of school.

Next, we head to Missouri for some legal Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last month, Ozark police receive a call that a young man was walking along a highway and he seemed “agitated.” When police arrived, 17-year-old Mace Hutchinson was lying on the shoulder of US 65, after having fallen 30 feet from an overpass. Hutchinson had a broken back and a punctured lung. So, what to do if you are an Asshole Fuckface?

Why not shit on him, as well? Police said Hutchinson was

Uh huh. For those of you who are not familiar with law enforcement, this is pretty much you classic cop lie. They lie all the time, to protect their abusive behavior. Dude lying on sidewalk with broken back and punctured lung is the definition of non-threatening. But the police department conducted an internal investigation and determined it was totally cool. Enjoy the lawsuit, Asshole Fuckfaces.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface tried to make his own butter – with his cock.

Getulino Ferreira Paraizo is a 53-year-old Brazilian who enjoys cows. A lot. By “a lot,” I mean he fucks the shit out of them.

Well, maybe the cows had a good time. It’s possible he took them out for some nice alfalfa first.

Well, that’s a boner kill – or it should be. Getulino says he can’t have sex with women because he was sexually abused as a child.

Understatement. Now, all we have to do is find a therapist who specializes in cow rape murderers. Police believe the Asshole Fuckface raped and killed over 400 cows in 4 years.

Next up, Asshole Fuckfaces do not go well with sandwiches and emergency services.

Meet Reginald Peterson, 42, of Jacksonville, Florida. Reggie wants shit done right, and if it ain’t done right, Reggie brings out the big guns.

Dude enjoys certain sandwich specifications and he doesn’t take kindly to those sandwich specifications being ignored. Also, Reggie has a problem with poor service. And he is a fucking moron.

I guess so. The store manager locked Reggie outside and called the cops. When the police arrived, they tried to calm Reggie down, without success, so they arrested him for making false 911 calls.

Never would have guessed Reggie is a boozer.

Finally, don’t drink an Asshole Fuckface's beer. Ever.

Regina Williams and Willie Anderson were sitting in his car in Chicago on Wednesday night, when Regina realized Willie was drinking her beer.

So, don’t drink her beer, I guess.

Actually, definitely don’t drink her beer.

Well, that was nice.

And that’s a happy ending, right? I mean, from an Asshole Fuckface perspective. She has been arrested and charged with first degree murder. And I really want to know what kind of beer it was.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a FearTheReaper beret. (Sorry.)

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You may read more of his nonsense on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

"Russia is fighting a war with us in our own territory," Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili announced today.

Reuters reported today that the Russian military has entered into territory claimed by the Republic of Georgia - what is currently a breakaway region known as South Ossetia. Russian tanks are currently clashing with Georgian forces in South Ossetia and the Russian airforce is striking targets in Georgia proper.

Russia's decision to use force stemmed most immediately from Georgia's attack on the Ossetian capital of Tskhinvali yesterday. Conflict over spy drones, mutual sniper attacks, and artillery shelling has marred Russian-Georgian relations in the preceding weeks and months.

Russia claims that Georgia is to blame for the fighting:

Meanwhile, the Georgian president accuses Russian forces of intentionally targeting civilians and dismisses the Russian claims.

For those not familiar with politics of the south Caucasus, Georgia is an independent nation that borders Russia, Turkey, Azerbaijan, and Armenia. The nation is known for its excellent wines (like kindzmarauli and kvanchkara), spicy cuisine, and being the birthplace of Iosif Dzhugashvili - better known as Stalin. The landscape of Georgia is beautiful and it is home to four UNESCO cultural heritage sites. The population of Georgia is overwhelmingly Eastern Orthodox and has been Christian since Roman times. It is also the home to 12 different living languages (plus Russian and Armenian) and at least 18 distinct ethnic groups.

Russian-Georgian relations date back to the early 1860s, when King Herekle asked for Russian aid (as a fellow Orthodox nation) to secure their independence against both the Ottoman Turks and the Qajar Persians who competed for dominance of the Caucasus. Russia, under Catherine the Great, repeatedly failed to honor military obligations to Herekle but due to court intrigue, the aging monarch feared for the survival of his dynasty. Consequently, he signed the Treaty of Georgievsk in 1873, making Russia the protector of the eastern half of modern Georgia. Under Paul I, Russia formally annexed eastern Georgia in 1801 and conquered the rest within 10 years. The nation remained part of the Russian empire and the Soviet Union (with the exception of a brief independence following the collapse of the Romanov dynasty) until 1991, when Georgia declared its independence.

Things were not rosy* for post-independence Georgia, however, as even the former Soviet dissident and human rights activist Zviad Gamsakhurdia ruled in an authoritarian manner (even accusing his enemies of "sabotage" and treason). After his ouster by a violent coup, the opposition forces appointed Eduard Shevardnadze as president of the nation. His rule was likewise characterized by corruption and nepotism, leading to his peaceful ouster in the Rose Revolution of 2003. Russian Foreign Minister Ivanov negotiated the resignation of Gamsakhurdia in a summit meeting with the Georgian president and the opposition (including pro-Western and American-educated current president Mikheil Saakashvili).

While political representation has taken a turn for the better in the past five years in Georgia, the country is plagued with problems. Almost half of the population lives beneath the poverty line. Corruption and crime are rampant. More importantly - two regions of Georgia broke away after the 1991 independence: South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Following Saakashvili's campaign promises to clamp down on separatism, the leader of the autonomous region of Adjara also threatened to secede, leading to another crisis. While Georgia resolved the Adjara crisis peacefully, it was defeated militarily in its campaigns in both South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Georgia cannot exert military control over either region, largely due to Russian support of the separatists. Both of these conflicts led to slaughter of innocent civilians by all sides and ended in ethnic cleansing of the Georgian population in the breakaway regions.

South Ossetia continues to be a problem for Russian-Georgian relations. The UN, EU, and NATO refuse to recognize South Ossetia as an independent nation, while Russia extends visas to the population. Georgia hopes to suppress the Ossetian de facto independence and Saakashvili is under pressure from the public to do so. Meanwhile, Russia backs South Ossetia as a means of exerting power over Georgia and countering American influence in the region.

America, in fact, is deeply involved in the Russian-Georgian conflict at least in the eyes of the two players. Following George W. Bush's visit to Tbilisi in 2005, the Georgians renamed the street by their airport to "George W. Bush avenue." As a Reuters article notes, the United States has 120 soldiers in Georgia. President Saakashvili asserts that the influence of the US is even deeper, though. According to him, the latest Russian-Georgian conflict:

He continued to say:

Meanwhile, the NY Times reports that:

The United States will have difficulty remaining uninvolved, especially given Georgia's immediate decision to pull these troops out of Iraq.

US Presidential candidate John McCain has called on Russia to withdraw from Georgia and asks for an emergency UN Security Council meeting (Note: one already took place 12 hours before he called for it). Some bloggers are already claiming that this event will increase McCain's rating in polls because of his hawkish stance.

*Yeah, that's a pun on Georgia's Rose Revolution...

Turns out Democrats can be just as horrible, hateful people as our GOP friends. This week Democrats in a couple of primaries took the low road with ugly religious and gay attacks. It’s really sweet to see the supposed liberal party go to depths many Republicans would not.

First came Democrat Nikki Tinker, who is running against Democratic Representative Steven Cohen for Tennessee’s 9th district seat. The election is today and Nikki is apparently down in polling, so she took the lowest road possible. It’s a road Hitler would have been proud of. Her latest ad is far from subtle.

Yeah, what is that Jew doing in your churches? And how dare that Jew uphold the Constitution of the United States by voting against prayer in schools. I wish I could show you the ad, but Tinker pulled it from You Tube due to complaints.

This isn’t the first time Cohen’s religion has come into the race. Over the past few months, black ministers have passed out these fliers:



Nikki Tinker has refused to denounce the fliers. The black ministers began to circulate them because of Cohen’s support for federal hate crimes legislation to protect gay rights. Go Democrats!

Oh, and don’t forget about Cohen’s KKK connections.



That’s about as low as it gets - and it's coming from a Democrat. Meanwhile, Cohen is a freshman Congressman who sounds like a decent legistator.

But he’s not black and he’s a Jew and Nikki Tinker is making sure everyone in the district knows. Hopefully she loses the election today.

Some equally vile conduct is occurring in Kansas, home of ignorance. Gail Finney, a marketing consultant and vice-chairwoman of the local Democratic Party, was in trouble going into the final days of the primary for the state's 84th District House seat. But yesterday, she defeated Inga Taylor, a black lesbian, by using the classic GOP “here comes the gay agenda” attacks in the final days of the campaign.

Using a “coordinated mail, e-mail and phone campaign,” Finney was able to swing voters and win easily. Here’s a sample of an email that went out.

Oh, my God no. They might change the name to Lesbichita.

The Victory Fund realized how serious the anti-gay attacks were on Tuesday and asked Kansas governor and serious vice president contender, Kathleen Sebelius, to denounce Finney’s tactics. Sebelius did nothing. If there's one thing you can always count on from Democrats, it's that they will run away from their beliefs during election time.

Go Democratic Party! Feel the pride.

FearTheReaper is a comic, writer and actor. You can read more of his babbling on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The Republicans are masters of using race to stir up white anger and fear to win elections. They play the race card, as it is referred to by hacks, and are more subtle and effective with it each year. “Playing the race card” is just a palatable way of describing their racist bullshit. I don’t know how long the GOP has been doing this, my memory only goes back to Reagan, who was a master at riling up the master race.

In 1980, Reagan gave a campaign speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi, during which he said,

It was obvious to anyone with a brain that Reagan was signaling white racists that he was on their side. After all, he was speaking the city where three civil rights workers were killed in 1964 and any retard knows what "states rights" means in the South.

If you don’t buy that connection, then don’t forget Reagan’s many quotes about a “welfare queen driving a Cadillac,” or his claiming that the Voting Rights Act had been “humiliating to the South,” or his help keeping Bob Jones University from losing its tax exempt status because of a ban on interracial dating, or his opposition to a holiday for Martin Luther King. Reagan was not just a terrible president, but he was also a straight-up racist asshole.

This was the plan, called the Southern Strategy, encouraged by Richard Nixon strategist Kevin Phillips.

That’s the plan they have followed, ever since. Bush used the famous Willy Horton ad against Michael Dukakis quite effectively.



Oh, my God! A black man!

But the country has changed. That kind of overt bullshit would not go over well in many places now. I’m not saying it wouldn’t still go over great in many states, because it would. But the number of people it would turn off across the nation would not make the ad effective today. And there’s the new problem: The Democratic candidate is a black guy. That means the Republicans have to walk a very fine racist line. And they are doing it very well, so far.

The John McCain tactic seems to be to create ads most whites won’t consider racist, but blacks will.



That’s obviously a racist ad. It’s subtle, but if you don’t think showing two young white women in an ad with a black man, and tossing the word “FOREIGN” up on screen with the black guy’s face isn’t racist, then you are a fucking moron. Unfortunately, when blacks become upset and claim it is racist, McCain can scream innocence and say he’s a victim of “the race card.” Poor rich, white guy. Sadly, Obama fell right into the trap.

That’s a pretty innocuous statement, but just commenting on the ad put him in a negative light, according to polls.

The reason for that is simple; there are more white people than black people. This is about how people relate and most of us don't relate to racism, subtle or otherwise.

Considering McCain is a doddering old fool, who has taken the least popular stance on nearly every position, his only chance to win is by using race. The Republican machine knows exactly what it is doing and they are doing it well. The race is tightening. Obama has stupidly moved away from his base, while Republicans are drawing theirs together. Democrats should be very thankful that McCain is a senile old man.



The debates could be devastating. Don’t forget, Reagan and Carter were tied in the polls going into the final debate, just one week before the election. You can be certain McCain will look horrible in the debates, but the damage may already be done with “the race card.” And Republicans, when you bunch that ballot for McCain this year, know you are supporting racism. Know that you are a vile, filthy person who supports the worst in mankind.

FearTheReaper is a comic, writer and actor. You can read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckface Day is upon us again, like a horny mutt banging away on our legs. It never stops. It can’t. Because there will always be Asshole Fuckfaces crawling about the Earth, leaving their slimy trails of filth. This week was especially craven and the choices were plentiful. Yet, doing my duty as appointed by God, I chose wisely and cautiously. Asshole Fuckface picking is not something one does on a whim. There is an extensive background check and several criteria must be met. It is now time for you to behold the worst of the worst, the vilest humans on Earth. So, put on your full body armor because this is going to be ugly.

We start with some wonderful New Orleans Asshole Fuckfacery.

You can always count on a politician from New Orleans to be doing something horrible at any given moment. This week, State Senator Derrick Shepherd stepped up. Apparently Sam’s sister and mommy were threatened by his ex-girlfriend and he did not know that police existed, so he took matters into his own hands.

“Lady puncher” is not going to look good on the next campaign poster.

She finally got crazy Sam to leave, after he locked her outside and she called 911.

Being a State Senator, you wouldn’t want to pass up a chance to steal and entire 100 clams. I mean, what could go wrong? Notice that the above paragraph says that Shepherd was arrested. Holy shit was he arrested.

Best State Senator, ever. And one hell of an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some country singer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Genius Toby Keith, who is in the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame for writing The Taliban Song, was on the Glenn Beck radio show this week. Now, ordinarily I would expect some sort of wormhole to open up when two of the dumbest people on Earth come together, but for some reason that did not happen. What did occur was one of the dumbest, most racist, ignorant statements that have been uttered during this presidential campaign.

Indeed. Obama’s not slapping bitches or flashing his bling. Also, I don’t know if you have noticed but Obama does not have a single gold tooth - and he doesn't hold weekly dog fights in his backyard. How are black people supposed to relate?

Next up, what happens when you do something horribly wrong? In Asshole Fuckface Land, you get a medal.

In December, a Minneapolis SWAT team entered the house of a law abiding citizen and had a bit of a shoot out.

Hmm. Well, obviously somebody fucked up. The Minneapolis department acknowledged the raid was a mistake and apologized. But that has not helped the family.

Well, what to do? How about some fucking medals, bitch?

Congrats on fucking up, and getting into a shoot out with an innocent man that could have led to the death of both police officers and children. Seriously, thanks for not killing innocent children. You get an Asshole Fuckface award. Maybe next year you can shoot up an old folks home.

Finally, some rich Saudi Arabian Asshole Fuckfacery.

A Sheik in Saudi Arabia had quite a dilemma on his hands this week. He owns and Lamborghini, but he needed an oil change by an approved dealer. If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, the choice is simple.

That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery, there.

Hey, there’s a thought! Man, I can't wait for that country's time to end.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper video game. Please enjoy more of FearTheReaper's nonsense on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Republicans seem to be having some sort of summer corruption blowout. Between an on-the-run Karl Rove, a gagged EPA, a law breaking Justice Department and an indicted Senator Ted Stevens, it’s a jamboree of wrongness. The current Republican Party takes a daily bath in sweet corruption, but this week stands above all others.

Let us start with Karl Rove, everyone’s favorite pasty, flabby beast. Yesterday, the House Judiciary Committee voted to hold Karl in contempt of Congress.

Karl is, of course, willing to speak to members of the House Judiciary Committee behind closed doors without any recording of the conversation, because that’s what innocent guys do. He also wants it to happen in a submarine in the middle of the Atlantic and everyone must be nude. Also, after the meeting all Senators must be sandblasted until their hair and skin is removed. Finally, they must be blinded and their memories erased.

Karl doesn’t want to testify in front of Congress because he’s as guilty as they come. But don’t expect the Democrats to do anything. Nancy The Coward Pelosi still has to approve the final vote in front of the entire House. If someone could be held accountable, you can be sure Nancy will run away. But still, it’s fun to see Karl’s name and “contempt” in the same headline.

The Justice Department is also looking like a giant, steaming turd today. Anyone could have read the story on the front page of the Washington Post yesterday. The Justice Department’s Office of the Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility released a report and, well, is it good when the Justice Department has been breaking the law? I'm guessing it's not good, mostly because it is called THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

Oops. All that stuff is illegal, Monica. But it’s not surprising, considering she was the “White House liaison.” Huh, I wonder why Karl won’t answer questions under oath?

And speaking of breaking the law, what up Ted Stevens? Yesterday, Ted became the first Senator in 20 years to be indicted for felonies while serving in office. Well done, sir. The bat-shit, crazy Alaskan Senator was indicted on seven felony counts for lying to hide the $250,000 in “gifts and services” he received from an oil and construction company.

Shit. I didn’t realize I couldn’t take a three-bedroom first floor, a basement, a garage, a gas range and a wraparound deck from my buddy. How about if I give it back?

Stevens is looking at 5 years in the slammer. He’s 84. I’m laughing.

And finally, the EPA is going into some sort of Branch Davidian Waco lockdown, sans the kid fucking. Under Bush, the EPA has taken a lot of shit for lying and basically doing the opposite of what it was created to do. Several congressional committees have requested documents on the EPA’s position on global warming and the EPA responded with a giant, “Go fuck yourself.” Last week, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson decided not to appear in front of two Senate committees to discuss why the agency does the opposite of its staff's technical and legal recommendations. And now the agency is in crazy lockdown mode.

Let’s fire some tear gas in there and send in the battering rams. My God, just think of the shit we are going to learn about these agencies when Bush leaves office and a new crew comes in.

The current Republican Party is insane.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For those of you who don’t know, Jon Voight penned an Op-ed for the Washington Times yesterday. I now realize why his daughter won’t speak to him. Jon Voight is clearly a fucking moron and a lunatic. It’s a delightful combination. I’d like to respond to some of the points Jon made in his opinion piece, because it’s laughably moronic.

Uh. What? How’s the whiskey intake gin blossom face?



Barack Obama did not grow up listening to any of the people you just mentioned. Not one. So, this op-ed really didn’t start well for you. Right off the bat, you’re a horrible fucking liar. But, I’ll keep reading.

Actually, “we” can say militant angry teachers do not affect “us.” I haven’t been. I actually can’t think of any one of my friends who have been. I don’t know what sort of circles you run in, Voight, but now your peeps scare me. As far as Obama running the country “in their mindset,” are you a complete moron, or what? I would enjoy just one quote from Barack Obama that would back up this claim.

Uh. I am nearly speechless. I do not know how we can exist in the same world. Maybe you have a pair of those glasses from They Live. It’s the only way I can explain your insanely distorted reality.

Hey, you threw in a “so-called”! You put it in front of “peace movement,” you clever dog. Did you go to a Rush Limbaugh training camp? That kind of shit is so weak and simple-minded that I’m surprised anyone who can operate a computer would write it. And it is “so-called,” mostly because, that’s what it is called. Do you understand, the so-called Jon Voight? You don’t get to change the name because you don’t want it to be so. And as far as blaming the peace movement for the slaughter of 2.5 million people in two countries, well, good point. You are totally right. Vietnam was going swimmingly and the initial invasion was not responsible for all those deaths. Only the end part.

Hey, I’d just like to point out here that you played a so-called gay prostitute in a movie. What did that teach our kids? Sorry, I know, that was a bit off topic, but it’s about as relevant as bringing up William Ayers. Just playing by your rules. You know, the rules of desperation.

And thank God we have an older generation of men who didn’t fight in Vietnam, but now can’t get enough of this disastrous war in Iraq. When you were 29, in 1968, you were playing a gay hustler on the streets of New York while your fellow Americans gave up their lives for a cause you now champion. How surprising and unlike your other right wing brethren. You’re a fucking coward, Johnny. A big fucking coward.

I’m a bit confused by your claim that Petraeus “prevented terrorists from establishing a base” in Iraq. You’ll have to explain it to these 56 people. Oh wait, you can’t because they are dead. Terrorists killed them yesterday. That’s a shame; you really were on to something there. Do you know who was better at keeping terrorists from “establishing a base” in Iraq? Saddam Hussein. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy, but reading history books is not wrong. You should try it, because you’re looking like an ignorant tool.

And no. You don’t get to make shit up, just because you are an actor with a face that implicates you in a nightly vodka party. If Obama had his way, America would never have been in Iraq in the first place. Also, he voted to fund for the war over and over. So, you’re completely wrong. Shiite dominated Iraq is basically now ruled by Shiite dominated Iran. It’s a big, fat fail-fail. That’s what happens when you remove the Sunni dictator in a country full of Shiites. The only people who predicted this outcome were the ones who read books.

And it’s Senator Obama, you fucking douchebag. Show some respect to a man who has accomplished something you can’t even dream of. Your attempts to belittle him by not using his proper title only show your own pettiness.

Is that because he’s been pretty much right about all that military and foreign affairs stuff and McCain has been wrong? Also, please provide evidence that Iran is making “great strides” toward getting the atomic bomb. Then give us a quote from Obama in which he takes Iran having a nuclear weapon lightly. Oh, and also please explain why the Iraqi Prime Minister is wrong for wanting a timeline for our departure. You obviously know more than the Prime Minister of Iraq, actor boy.

Yeah, I didn’t even finish that sentence. The first half is so gloriously retarded that I find no reason to continue. Your alcohol-addled brain is living in opposite land. You know that show Sliders that was on the Sci-fi channel? I think you are trapped in another reality, one that is mostly filled by simpletons.

Okay, wait. I’m just trying to figure this out. The Obama people are wrong for talking shit about McCain’s “greatness” and in the next paragraph, you do the exact same thing and attack a retired General. Got it.

Much like your brain, which lives in Lake Scotch.

Don’t people have to know your humanitarian work for you to be “well-known for humanitarian work?” I know his daughter hates him, but that’s about it. And I now know that Voight doesn’t care about facts, he simply hears some blathering asshole yammering and he pretends it is true. Nothing he stated in this shocking display of reality disengagement is true. Nothing.

If Voight and his kind believe Obama is a Socialist, they might want to pick up a book about Socialism. If we are going to be so loose with our descriptions, I will now call Voight what he is: A Nazi. I know, it’s crazy, but we’re just pulling scary terms out of our assholes that are not at all applicable, which make Voight a Nazi. Bummer for him.

You lucky son of a bitch. You could have died this week, or been turned into a vegetable by doing to many whippits, or salvia. But you made it. God damn it, I am proud of you. And to show you just how proud I am, I'm making a list of the worst human beings on the planet. It’s called the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, strap on your plastic vest and kilt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, the American press are the most embarrassing Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet.

McCain was back at it again this week. By "back at it," I mean he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. But this time his little fact switcharoo was aided by CBS News. Johnny was being interviewed by Katie Couric and this little moment transpired.

It’s a “matter of history” in an opposite world. Let’s take a look at the actual history:

2006 - The Anbar Awakening.

2007 - The Surge.

So, that’s the opposite of what McCain said. The Bush Administration started paying off Sunni fighters who had been killing our soldiers in late 2006. The Surge began in the spring/summer of 2007. So, how did CBS handle this mistake? Drill him further? Nope, they just switched out McCain’s answer when the news aired, that way it looked like Johnny didn’t make a mistake at all.



Nice work, CBS. There really is no point having a free press with companies like you around.

Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Monticello, Minnesota wanted to attract more peeps to their city and someone came up with a crazy idea: Build a fiber-optic network. The assumption was if they built the network people and business would follow. Seventy-four percent of the town’s residents voted for a bond measure to get it done. It all seemed a go.

Wow. Spectacularly horrible. The Bridgewater Telephone Company needs to rename itself the Asshole Fuckface Telephone Company.

And they just kind of made it up.

Hopefully the city will be reimbursed for this frivolous lawsuit and the company heads will have to register as Asshole Fuckfaces where ever they are.

Next up, a California Asshole Fuckface.

You may recognize Representative Duncan Hunter as a failed presidential candidate or because he is one of the all time great douchebags. Oh, and he likes to feed starving refugees. Yay!

How awesome is that? Hunter wants to feed Darfur refugees and maybe bring some attention to the genocide thingy that is going on.

Um. Okay. That got weird really fast. Now, our embassy in Chad wasn’t sure what to do, because that is a batshit crazy idea and a logistical nightmare. So, they asked for the State Department’s help on how to deal with Hunter. Here’s what the State Department came up with:

Wow. The State Department is such a party bummer. Why can’t some dude kill an animal, cut up the meat, slog it over to a refugee camp and throw pieces of raw meat at starving refuges? Maybe because there no wildebeests there. (There are a few, but they are protected in a no-hunting refuge.)

Now, obviously, Duncan will go to the camp and observe the food distribution, right? Because that’s why he wanted to go to Africa.

Oh. Someone should tell the Asshole Fuckface that wildebeests in Kenya and Tanzania are "under threat from poachers." And Asshole Fuckfaces.

Finally, I can always count on one Connecticut Asshole Fuckface to always be there for me.

This week Senator Joey Lieberman spoke at the Christians United for Israel Washington-Israel Summit. The summit is hosted by the wonderful pastor John Hagee. Hagee holds some super ideas about stuff; like that Hurricane Katrina was caused by a gay pride parade in New Orleans.

Lieberman obviously sees Hagee a bit differently than those of us with souls. Hagee was attacked by blogs for his horrible comments and Asshole Fuckface Joe believes that would put Hagee in some awesome company.

Right. Bloggers would fucking hate Moses, because saying gays caused Katrina and parting the Red Sea are very, very similar. Oh, and Moses might have been a bit different in this age of technology. Oh, and you're a moron.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper stress ball.

FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Smell that? It's a giant pile of bullshit called the free market falling from the sky. Socialism is constantly warned against and the free market held up as a great God. The free market will solve all it's problems until the rich fuck up because of their routinely unpunished greed. Then we get what we are now witnessing: Socialism for the rich. Welcome to it. It's America.

Yesterday, Congress passed a bill to bail out our largest mortgage holders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Turns out Freddie and Fannie sort of made a whole lot of shitty loans to people who couldn't afford them, and like any good capitalist, they asked for and received a kick ass amount of cash from Uncle Sam. All in a shitty days work. The people who run Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and Bear Sterns are now the leading Socialists in our country. Hail their courage and prepare for those on their heels: Washington Mutual and Wachovia.

And what are we, the American people, getting in return? Turns out nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. You know who does get something? Richard Syron. Who's he? He's the dude running Freddie Mac who is getting paid for doing an awesome job.

It's hard being total losers and they should be compensated. Look, when companies give their CEOs shitloads of cash, that's their problem. Stockholders need to rise up and take care of it. It's their house and they need to clean it. But when a corporation turns into such a giant pile of shit that they need the government to save their ass, it's a different story. Syron shouldn't make a dollar more than the highest paid civil servant, because that's what he became today. Actually, Syron and Dodd shouldn't have a job. They should be fired and forced to return their massive 2007 salaries. All management of these two companies should be fired.

And we should be getting a sweet piece of both those companies. That's normally what happens when one gives a corporation an enormous amount of cash. The government should receive a percentage of stock and then compensation when Freddie and Fannie start making money again. Why the fuck should we give these financial idiots money if we aren't going to see a return? Or we should let them fail.

This is pretty simple; a bunch of rich assholes made bad decisions and took on risky mortgages and now taxpayers are bailing them out. It's called not punishing someone for doing something wrong. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are basically Paris Hilton at this point. I understand the need to bail them out. I don't understand not taking anything in return -- or punishing the guilty parties.

They did just learn a lesson: Do whatever you want, it's all good.

Of course, the right wing machine is going into overdrive, explaining that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are the product of too much regulation. They just conveniently leave out Bear Sterns massive bailout. So, when you hear some right wing asshole claiming the reason for Freddie Mac and Fannie May's problems are regulation, just use two words: Bear Sterns. Free market, my ass.



FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Now that we are in the middle of an energy disaster brought on by years of idiotic energy policy that were begun under the Grand Retard, Ronald Reagan, let’s take a look at what Jimmy Carter wanted to do. We didn’t do much of it, because Carter told Americans the truth and we cried like fucking babies and continued to shit our pants. If we had listened to Carter, we’d be toilet trained by now. Instead, we are living in the most horribly shit-in diapers of all time. And it’s pretty much all the fault of the right wing.

Carter delivered an energy speech on July 15, 1979. At the time, things were not looking good. The U.S. was being hit by record high energy prices, severe energy shortages, and a recession. (Sound familiar?) People were pissed at Carter, causing his approval ratings to plummet to Bush-like depths. Imagine that. A president as unpopular as Bush. So, Carter gave a speech, during which he asked the American people to adapt to the energy crisis, its limits and to change our ways.

Carter said, "Human identity is no longer defined by what one does but by what one owns." He was right, of course. But Carter didn’t have the ability to convince his fellow lawmakers to make the tough choices. He was labeled a “pessimist.” Naturally, for every pessimist, there is an optimist. In this case, it was Ronald Reagan. Reagan blew hot wind up America’s ass and we went right back to our destructive ways. Reagan was a pretty fucking stupid human being. As matter of fact, he was shockingly stupid. Had we listened to Carter and accepted a bit of personal responsibility, we might not be driving rapidly toward a cliff today.

The problems Carter identified in his speech were our dependence on oil and the connection among consumption, energy use, and environmental change. Sound familiar?

Here are some highlights from Jimmy Carter’s “Crisis of Confidence” Speech.

And no. Not only will we, but we’ll use more and more and more. Jimmy didn’t really foresee the right wing jerk off transportation vessel called The Hummer and the murder of alternative energy.

Good luck with that.

Could you imagine if we had the intelligence to follow through with this? Twenty-percent solar? We’d be a tad better off. Carter was saying we needed the largest “peacetime commitment of funds” because our path would obviously lead to wars. And it has. And it will lead to more, and eventually a world war.

Uh. Okay. Not so great. Coal’s a bit of a bummer. But it is preferable to being controlled by OPEC and having to take over countries like Iraq and Afghanistan in order to keep our gluttonous habits going. Carter was actually successful with this one. He reduced the percentage of oil used in our electricity production from 20% to 3%. He also expanded the Clean Air Act to combat the effects of coal power generation.

Anyone want to guess when the last refinery was built in the U.S.? Try 32 years. That's the free market kicking ass and taking numbers. Although, South Dakota is now threatening to build one. That would be 1 in 32 years.

No fucking shit. This is the point where I want to dig up guys like Reagan, just to shit on their head. Personal fucking responsibility is the great enemy of right-wingers. Reagan killed all the tax credits that would have allowed people to "build conservation into their homes."

Whoa! Public transportation! Now close your eyes and imagine every city with a working subway system, or rail line. Mmmm. Carter. Jimmy also pushed for fuel economy standards in cars to reduce oil consumption. Republicans fought back. And they created tax rebates for giant SUVs and Hummers.

No shit. But that’s not the Republican way. The Republican way is to get more money into the pockets of oil companies. Every step outlined above takes money away from the oil boys. So, when Reagan took over, he slowly eliminated anything that would have led us away from a path of energy independence.

Instead of confronting the problem head on, Reagan chose to mock Carter. He went after the president, claiming he blamed the American people for the energy crisis – because Carter had the gall to ask Americans to sacrifice and conserve. It was, quite simply, a moron vs. a thinking man.

And that has been the right wing stance ever since. Conservatives have no ability to comprehend complex answers to the energy challenges we face. It’s like trying to talk to a cat about math. So, when you hear a Republican telling us how we should drill off the coast of our country, please urinate on their face. Because drilling was their answer to the crisis in the '70s and we did it. It has not helped. No one should ever listen to a Republican when it comes to energy. There is only one answer: Invest in alternative energy now.

If a right wing asshole attempts to open his pork rind hole, tell him the story of the solar panels on the White House. Jimmy Carter had them installed during his presidency. Reagan then had them torn down. He also killed off tax cuts for solar power and gutted our solar research program. How’d that work out? Oh, I can tell you. Two of the solar researchers he fired went on the win Nobel prizes – in other fields. Because he was a Class A fucking idiot.

FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Wow. Here we are. Who knew we would make it another week and enjoy the horrors of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup together? Sadly, I had much to choose from this week. Some of the Fuckfaces only received a second place nod on my blog. I gathered the rest together so that your eyes may feast on the depths of mankind. And here they are. I’ve scoured the news for the worst people on Earth, so that you may feel better about yourself by looking down on them. So, put on a giant plastic lampshade because this is going to be horrible.

First up, Dubai shows us their Asshole Fuckface skills.

Dubai has gotten a bit of a reputation as a place where the rich go to play. That is all well and good, as long as they aren’t gay. This week Dubai “cracked down” on gay people.

Thank God you Asshole Fuckfaces cracked down on the terrible crime of men wearing women’s clothing, while you walk around in white moo moos. A Dubai paper claimed 40 were arrested. Nobody can explain the difference in the numbers.

Right. That and they arrest people for having less than a grain of salt worth of pot on the sole of their shoe. Here’s a tip: Don’t visit Dubai. Ever.

Next up, our gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces.

South Carolina doesn’t like being called gay. Not at all. A lot of Asshole Fuckfaces in the state are upset with a London Tube ad that claims, "South Carolina is so gay."



The ad was created by a London gay tour operator to encourage tourism to “gay-friendly” areas. I guess that didn’t work out so well.

Republican State Senator David Thomas lost his straight shit.

Right. And it will cause gay confusion.

Dude, beaches don’t have a sexual preference. Just a tip. Also, you are a horribly uptight, straight man who is scared of gay people. How much do you want to bet there are “gay beaches” all over the place and no one told you?

Uh oh. Them’s fightin’ words. Did you just call my beach “gay?” Huh? I’ll kick your ass.

The posters also advertised the gay-friendly cities Atlanta, Boston, Las Vegas, New Orleans and Washington, D.C. No one gave a shit in those cities. But South Carolina refused to pay the $5,000 advertising fee, asked that the posters be removed, and a state employee was forced to resign. Good work.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface needs to stop the party.

Meet Robert Hood, of Caldwell, Texas. He’s 44-years-old and he is just getting the party started. Holy shit is he getting the party started.

Hood was arrested for a DUI on Sunday in Omaha, Nebraska, July 4 in Mitchell, South Dakota, July 7 in Deadwood, South Dakota, and on July 8 in Platte County, Wyoming. I am very impressed by anyone who is arrested two days in a row in two different states for DUI. It’s time for Bobby to get a bumper sticker that says, “Can’t Stop The Party.”

Ready for the good news?

The system works! Seriously, though, a real life Ronnie Dobbs is out there, people. Stay low.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface parents have no boundaries.

Stephanie Martinez was working as a clerk at Pizza Patron in Denton, Texas last weekend. Suddenly, a robber burst in, wearing a wig and sunglasses and said, “Give me the money!” Stephanie began emptying out her register, when the other clerk went Charles Bronson on his ass.

Uh. I’m sorry, what did you say? Turns out the entire family is chock full O’ Asshole Fuckfaces. The wife was also arrested. Oh, and Stephanie sort of knew what was going on.

Oh, that’s cool. Seriously, no worries. As long as she didn’t know it was specifically going to be the pizza place she works at, we’re cool. She sounds like a great woman and nothing like her father.

I’m not.

Stephanie isn’t very close with her father, mostly because of the jail thing.

Really? Well, he just tried to reach out to you; maybe you should give him a chance. Stephanie’s mom, dad and husband were all arrested. Stephanie is free to breed and keep this genetic marvel going.

And, finally, the many Asshole Fuckfaces of the Republican Party.

You know you have taken the wrong position when you have to blatantly lie to get people on your side. The current ridiculous talking point of the right wing is that “not a drop of oil was spilled” during Hurricane Katrina.



It’s obviously a talking point, because they are all saying the exact same line. All of the Asshole Fuckfaces were allowed to repeat a lie on a major news channel without a reporter questioning the validity of their statement. They appeared on CNN, CNN Headline News, Fox Business Network, Fox News, and MSNBC.

Here’s the truth, and I included a pretty picture.



Due to hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there were 124 offshore oil spills that released a total of 743,700 gallons of oil. The largest single spill was 152,250 gallons, which is considered to be a “major spill.” Onshore, there were 595 oil spills. Altogether, 9 million gallons were spilled. Just to compare, the Exxon Valdez spilled 10.8 million gallons.

Nine million gallons or not a drop. Easy mistake to make. Finally, yesterday, one of the only decent journalists in America (who Hillary Clinton tried to get fired) questioned the bullshit talking point.



Jesus. She just lied again to cover for her lie. Spills and seeps cannot be compared.

This is going to be a long summer of Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each win a FearTheReaper leather helmet.