Never thought I’d make this comment, but the Democrats are handling Rush Limbaugh with brutal efficiency. For many years, Democrats have been terrified of the right wing sound machine. Show after show, pundit after pundit, all using the same talking points with devastating effect. But now, the worm has turned. The exact structure and group think that made the Republicans strong is being used against them. That’s what happens when you become arrogant extremists entirely outside the mainstream of America.

Let’s face it, Republicans would be nowhere near where they are now if it wasn’t for 9/11. Up until that day, Bush was looking like a very unpopular president. They used the attack to crush the voice of opposition and label the Democrats as wrong on everything. America went along with it. But the scary times are over, the ship is correcting and Republicans are about to go back into their sad, angry place. Who knew Rush Limbaugh would be the key?

Rush is the biggest symbol of the Republican Party. Unfortunately for them, he is a draft dodging, three-time divorced, drug addict, multi-millionaire. Oh, and he is also an extremist. Rush was the main driving force behind the delightful Sarah Palin VP pick. It was an epic choice that freaked America out. Yet, she was and is everything that the crazy right wing lunatics want in a leader. The Palin choice showed Democrats just how out of touch and crazy Limbaugh seems to the majority of Americans. And now they are on the attack.



There you go. This is a very smart move by the Democrats. They are going to paint Rush as the leader of the Republican Party and point out the horrible comments he makes, along with his dismal record as a human being. Obama already fired a shot.

Individual lawmakers also went after Rush.

Last week, Democrats began airing radio ads using Rush’s own words as a wedge (Not hard to do).

Democrats are isolating the doughboy and forcing Republicans to make a choice: Stand beside him and die or let him whither alone. So far, they are choosing to stand beside him. And you really couldn’t attach yourself to a bigger anchor. He is a racist, he is a liar and worst of all – he is the biggest symbol of everything Obama is against: Partisanship. America pretty much chose Obama because he said he could get Republicans and Democrats to work together. The peeps want it to happen. And Rush is the ultimate symbol of the hateful, brutal nonsense that occurred over the past 20 years. He is the big bad.

Last Tuesday, GOP Congressman Phil Gingrey of Georgia, took the bait.

He was, of course, being quite reasonable. But reasonable does not fly with those who now control the GOP. It took one entire day for Gingrey to get on his knees and beg forgiveness from his doughy overlord.

He also called Rush to apologize. It was pretty embarrassing.

This is a complete disaster for Republicans. Democrats will continue to point out, loudly, that Rush is an angry extremist and Republicans will continue to back him up. Republicans really have no answer for this assault. They will circle the wagons and back up Rush to their own detriment. The more they support him, the more extreme they seem. They have no system to fight this type of attack because their entire PR structure is built around no dissent, no infighting, and one voice. They are the Borg. And because of that, their own system is going to work against them.

It’s a death spiral. Watch it and enjoy.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

A special report for SuicideGirls.com by Mark Karlin, Editor and Publisher of BuzzFlash.com.



If you want to understand the baffling behavior of Rod Blagojevich -- now the ex-Governor of Illinois -- it would be wise to begin at a waste dump.

How can an unsightly garbage landfill reveal so much about the sensational, sordid, unethical and complicated personality, political history and actions of "Blago" -- as we nickname here in Illinois?

Well, fasten your seat belts.

In 2005, toward the end of his first term, Blagojevich, with great media fanfare -- very much his style -- unilaterally closed down a waste dump near Chicago. Now, this was unusual since the state EPA would normally handle such matters. More curious, however, was that the landfill was owned by a relative of Blagojevich's wife, the former Patricia Mell.

Okay, keep following me here. Patricia Mell is the daughter of an infamous and colorful Chicago Alderman, Richard Mell (who was a key leader in the white faction who obstructed the mayoral initiatives of Chicago's populist black mayor, Harold Washington). Now it turned out that Richard Mell had a murky relationship -- probably financial -- with his relative's garbage dump.

Richard Mell was not happy with his son-in-law's flamboyant public action and took it as a slight against him, which it appears to have been. So Mell and Blagojevich start making accusations against each other in the press. Mell became so enraged that he told The Chicago Sun-Times that his son-in-law, Blagojevich, had sold seats on state boards and that he had been involved in illicit political activity. (Later, out of concern for his daughter it appears, Mell retracted the charges.)

Suddenly, Illinois not only had a governor who most state Democratic legislators couldn't stand, but the Land of Lincoln found itself in the midst of a segment of Family Feud.

The attack on Mell by Blagojevich was even more perplexing because as a ward power broker, Mell was pretty much responsible for Blagojevich's political ascension from state representative to U.S. Congressman (in the district that both Dan Rostenkowski and Rahm Emanuel have represented) to Governor.

So why would Blagojevich pick a public fight with his father-in-law who was also his political mentor?

Ah, there's the rub, because if you can answer such a question, you could get to the essence of the son of a Serbian immigrant who became a foot soldier in the former Chicago Democratic "machine."

Indeed, Blagojevich is very much a product of the legendary Chicago ward organization. In that way, he is almost a throwback, because younger Chicago Dems are nowadays, for the most part, less tied to the old politics.

Blagojevich served as a moderate state rep and U.S. Congressman. I knew him because he championed gun control as one of his pet issues, and I, alongside representatives from the Illinois Council Against Handgun Violence, would do press conferences with him now and then.

Some larcenous and delusional people function just fine until they are exposed to a crime of opportunity. That appears to be the case with Blagojevich.

In many ways, Blagojevich is our George W. Bush in Illinois. Never give the keys to the car to Bush; and never give the combination of the state safe to Blagojevich.

Once Blagojevich was positioned to be in charge of a state budget that had billions of dollars to give out in jobs and contracts, his inner ward heeler crook emerged in full force. Even before he was first elected -- in the 2002 election -- he was apparently already promising state jobs, board appointments, and contracts in return for campaign contributions.

At some point in their careers, people discover what they do best: for Blagojevich, it wasn't governing, it was extortion. How can you condemn a man who simply stumbles upon a niche at which he excels?

Contrary to what you might be led to believe by the national media's preoccupation with the circus surrounding Blagojevich's December arrest -- the bizarre news conferences filled with poetry and his subsequent national road trip media tour -- the investigation into Blagojevich's corruption by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald's office has been going on for more than three years now. It actually began as a probe by the Democratic Illinois Attorney General, Lisa Madigan, but migrated over to Patrick Fitzgerald as the alleged crimes began to look more like a metastasized cancer than a couple of isolated incidents.

When Blagojevich is finally indicted by a grand jury early this spring, you can expect the counts against him will be in the mid-to-high double digits.The crimes he's charged with could possibly extend back as far as 2003. He has been the extortionist version of a serial killer; he just couldn't stop himself.

I wrote a column for BuzzFlash a while back that predicts that Blagojevich will eventually cop a plea after the formal indictments.

Why, you might ask? After all, he doesn't listen to his legal counsel. (His last attorney quit, telling the press: "I don't mind clients who listen to me and don't take my advice. But I won't represent a client who won't even listen to me.") Well, the hidden hand that U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald has to play is the possible potential indictment of Blagojevich's wife, Patti (a.k.a. Patricia, the daughter of Richard Mell).

Patti emerges as a foul-mouthed character in the background of the infamous FBI bugging tapes. She can be heard urging "Blago" on as he tries to use the threat of withholding state financing and tax breaks to renovate Wrigley Field (which the Tribune company is trying to sell to crawl out of financial ruin) as leverage to get some Trib editorial writers fired for calling for Blagojevich's impeachment.

But over the years, the Feds and the Chicago papers have dropped tantalizing hints that Patti profited from "pay to play" politics through commissions that she received as a real estate agent and in other ways. The renovation of the relatively modest Ravenswood Manor Blagojevich home (in a sleepy Chicago neighborhood of upscale bungalows) is another one of the Blagojevich family financial dealings that has come under scrutiny. (There's even a $1500 check, allegedly for one of their daughters, from a third party that is part of the overall investigation by the Feds.)

Should the Feds have substantial evidence of Patti's involvement in her husband's apparent long-term hobby of putting up a for-sale sign on state government, they will pressure "Blago" to fess up and strike a plea bargain.

In return for his cooperation -- under such a scenario -- the Feds will not indict or prosecute Patti. If that turns out to be how it pans out, you can bet that Blagojevich (who flew home virtually every night from Springfield, at taxpayer's expense, while the legislature was in session) would swallow his manly hemlock and protect his wife from potential jail time.

After all, during his public spat with his father-in-law (who still speaks with Patti when Rod's not around), Blagojevich defended going after him with this curious statement: "This is the kind of thing that I think frankly separates the men from the boys in leadership. Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that knowing what's coming your way? I say I do."

Well, "Blago" will soon see his "testicular virility" tested big time when he has to either throw in the towel or sell out his wife.

About two months ago, a former female U.S. prosecutor from California was asking me what the story was with Blagojevich and what accounted for his erratic, almost comic behavior since his arrest. I told her that I thought Blagojevich thinks what he did was what all politicians do and that he was actually benefiting the people of Illinois. Call that delusional, call it arrogant, call it blind, I told her, but that's pretty much his story.

"That clears it up," she responded. "I've put a lot of these guys behind bars and they are all pretty much the same."

I asked, "What kind of guys/"

"Don't you know?" she asked. "He's got all the personal characteristics of a hardcore crook."

Rod Blagojevich, it would appear, is as crooked as they come, and the next stop for the mop-headed Elvis fan is probably going to be a federal prison farm where he can sing "Fools Rush In" to his heart's delight. Oh, and he can also hum "Jailhouse Rock" while cleaning the latrines.



Mark Karlin is editor and publisher of BuzzFlash.com, which this May will be celebrating its ninth year of progressive news and commentary on the Internet through an expanded network of websites. Karlin is intimately familiar with Illinois politics.

As I sit in my moist anti-Asshole Fuckface fort, which is made out of wood and the cries of children, I am weeping. I weep as I read all of the Asshole Fuckfacery occurring in the world. Also, my father will not stop sending me emails about global warming being a myth. The whole thing has me wondering if I am actually his child. Could something so awesome come from something so disturbed? It’s a question Asshole Fuckface researchers will be asking for centuries. But I must work beyond this internal suffering because I have a task at hand. So many count on me to scour the news and find the worst of the worst. Without me, your lives would not have meaning. So put on your favorite burlap vest and pants combo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some good old fashioned Taliban Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember the Taliban? They used to be our friends. As a matter of fact, way, way back in May 2001, George W. Bush gave the Taliban $43 million. I wonder how they used that money? Anyway, now the Taliban have moved into Pakistan, for the most part. And things are going very well for them, which means things are not going well for humans known as females. The Taliban has pretty much taken over the Swat Valley, which means no schools and no music and no…um…banknotes.

Yay! War on Terror fail! A couple of weeks ago, the Taliban banned schooling for girls. And they are pretty serious about it.

That's a promising sign for the future.

Right. We can’t have women shopping now, can we? The Taliban have also destroyed 80 video shops, 22 barbershops and 20 bridges. Thank God the CIA helped create them and we moved the war to Iraq before we accomplished anything in Afghanistan. This is all going to end so well.

Next up, our own little Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.

Now, our Taliban is not as bad as the actual Taliban, mostly because they can’t get away with the same horrible stuff. But if they could, they would. For now, they just focus on the horror of teenage lesbians.

Wow. So. Huh. I am at a loss on this one. I can actually think of nothing better in high school that 16-year-old lesbians, but I guess I’m crazy.

Kudos to the court for making discrimination okey-dokey. Next up, we should allow businesses to fire people of Romanian ancestry. Seriously. Are you okay working with vampires? I know I’m opposed on moral, religious and because I’m alive grounds. Also, my blood is super tasty, like a honey baked ham. So, let’s do it. We need to stop vampires, as well as 16-year-old lesbians.

Next up, some automobile maker Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember, way, way, way back in December 2008, when Congress gave automakers a bailout? And remember how some Democratic members of Congress wanted to attach a provision that would stop those companies from suing states to prevent stricter fuel efficiency standards? And to get the deal done, Democrats had to give in the Republicans? Well, how well did that turn out?

Awesome. So, they are using taxpayer money to sue…taxpayers. Fantastic no strings with the money fail. That’s what a Bush presidency gets you.

And it’s a total waste of money. Surprise.

Finally, some really cold Asshole Fuckfacery.

Isn’t it awesome that we live in a country that allows people to freeze to death if they can’t pay their bills? How great does that make you feel?

Swell with pride. Enjoy your FREEDOM!

Fucker owed Bay City Electric Light & Power money. It’s called paying your way, bitch. He owed over $1000. That’s a lot of money.

Now, obviously, the company feels quite bad and they want to do everything possible to avoid such situations in the future. To this end, Bay City's Manager Robert Belleman had some advice:

Um. Yes, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. This is totally a neighbor thing. You should not, in any way, have to make sure people’s lives are not at risk when you cut off their heat in the dead of winter.

Finally, I’d like to point out that this fucker should have gotten a job instead of sitting around his house all day being old.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Obama is a two-faced liar. Aw-RIGHT!

Republicans are right. President Barack Obama treated them like dirt, didn't give a damn what they thought about his stimulus package, loaded it with a bunch of programs that will last for years and will never leave the budget, is giving away money disguised as "tax refunds," and is sneaking in huge changes in policy, from schools to health care, using the pretext of an economic emergency.

Way to go, Mr. O! Mr. Down-and-Dirty Chicago pol. Street-fightin' man. Covering over his break-your-face power play with a "we're all post-partisan friends" BS.

And it's about time.

Frankly, I was worried about this guy. Obama's appointing Clinton-droids to the Cabinet, bloated incompetents like Larry Summers as "Economics Czar," made me fear for my country, that we'd gotten another Democrat who wished he were a Republican.

Then came Obama's money bomb. The House bill included $125 billion for schools (TRIPLING federal spending on education), expanding insurance coverage to the unemployed, making the most progressive change in the tax code in four decades by creating a $500 credit against social security payroll deductions, and so on.

It's as if Obama dug up Ronald Reagan's carcass and put a stake through The Gipper's anti-government heart. Aw-RIGHT!

About the only concession Obama threw to the right-wing trogs was to remove the subsidy for condoms, leaving hooker-happy GOP Senators, like David Vitter, to pay for their own protection. S'OK with me.

And here's the proof that Bam is The Man: Not one single Republican congressman voted for the bill. And that means that Obama didn't compromise, the way Clinton and Carter would have, to win the love of these condom-less jerks.

And we didn't need'm. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Now I understand Obama's weird moves: dinner with those creepy conservative columnists, earnest meetings at the White House with the Republican leaders, a dramatic begging foray into Senate offices. Just as the Republicans say, it was all a fraud. Obama was pure Chicago, Boss Daley in a slim skin, putting his arms around his enemies, pretending to listen and care and compromise, then slowly, quietly, slipping in the knife. All while the media praises Obama's "post-partisanship." Heh heh heh.

Love it. Now we know why Obama picked that vindictive little viper Rahm Emanuel as staff chief: everyone visiting the Oval office will be greeted by the Windy City hit man who would hack up your grandma if you mess with the Godfather-in-Chief.

I don't know about you, but THIS is the change I've been waiting for.

Will it last?

We'll see if Obama caves in to more tax cuts to investment bankers. We'll see if he stops the sub-prime scum-bags from foreclosing on frightened families. We'll see if he stands up to the whining, gormless generals who don't know how to get our troops out of Iraq. (In SHIPS, you doofuses!)

Look, don't get your hopes up. But it may turn out the new President's...a Democrat!


Greg Palast's investigative reports for BBC and Rolling Stone can be seen at www.GregPalast.com. . Palast is the author of New York Times bestsellers The Best Democracy Money Can Buy and Armed Madhouse.

It’s quite amusing to watch the Screen Actors Guild break out into a full-blown civil war, with an undemocratic coup thrown in, all while trying to negotiate a contract with a formidable enemy. When this is all wrapped up and rich actors have destroyed the ability of middle class actors to make a living in the future, a book or two should be written to illustrate how not to conduct a contract negotiation. We are witnessing an epic failure and the villains are quite obvious: Amy Brenneman, Kate Walsh, Ken Howard, Ned Vaughn, James Cromwell and Adam Arkin and their pals.

I should disclose that I am a member of SAG and make a decent wage as an actor, but I’m not one of the actors affected by this contract. I have no dog in this fight. I don’t much like acting in TV shows or movies because I don’t like homework. The amount of time wasted preparing to get a chance to get an audition to get a part is not worth it, in my opinion. I only act in commercials and am quite happy doing so. No studying, no preparation, just walk in, act like an idiot and off you go. It’s a pretty easy way to make money and I don’t have to spend a day sitting in a chair next to shocking assholes like James Spader. Seriously, he is one of the worst human beings I have ever worked with. William Shatner, on the other hand, is a peach.

If you were paying attention to the entertainment news Monday, you would have noticed SAG fired its chief negotiator. They then replaced him with a guy who is known for working with producers. You know, the other side. The enemy, as it were. His quickly released his first public comments as national executive director.

Oh. Here’s a small bit of information. A union’s only power comes from the threat of shutting down business. Without the threat of a strike, unions don’t really have much to use during negotiations. It’s pretty much the first chapter in Union Negotiations for Retards. Actors like Kate Walsh and Amy Brenneman (who appear together in the piece of shit that is Private Practice) just took away any power SAG may have to get a decent contract. Oddly, Amy is a producer and Kate is married to a studio executive. Who would have known?

So, how did these morons come into power? Here’s where SAG becomes an amusing farce of a union. They were elected. They ran against the current SAG leadership in September and won. Fair and square, right? The democratic process, is it? Sort of. If you looked at the candidates and the winners, you’d notice one thing: Only famous people won. It had nothing to do with policies and stances, it was only about fame.

Sad and pathetic. The vast majority of actors in the union make little to no money and they voted for famous people, without considering their views. Now they are about to be destroyed by the new board, which only seems to care about the interest of rich actors. Sounds like a certain country named America over the past 28 years, doesn’t it? The little guy voting for the people who will fuck him over the most, over and over again.

Kate, Adam and Amy have a name for their group – Unite for Strength. It’s Orwellian and could have been dreamed up by the great Karl Rove. When Unite for Strength first formed, they wanted to introduce “qualified voting.” That would have eliminated actors who haven’t worked much in the past five years from voting on a contract. That’s called “Uniting,” I guess. The National SAG Board voted to send a strike authorization to members. Now, the negotiators would have a big weapon to hold over the heads of the studios.

Wait, hold on. The economy went into the shitter. Amy and Kate and their minions saw an opening. They took their fight pubic. They placed ads in papers and gave interviews, completely splitting the union (the dumbest thing you can to during a negotiation). There's this crazy saying, "United We Stand, Divided We Fall." You'd have to be a fucking idiot not to understand the "divided" part. So, the group held an unconstitutional meeting in New York, during which the president of SAG and Dave Allen, the lead negotiator, were chastised and vilified. They also sort of forgot to invite actors on the New York Board who supported Allen, like Eric Begosian. It was pretty much a Salem Witch Trial sort of affair.

Now the membership was in a tizzy. Actors creating drama, who knew that would happen? Unite for Strength demanded the National Board rescind the strike authorization vote. More meetings were held. Lots of screaming and yelling. So, Allen agreed to rescind the vote and he also said SAG should send the contract offer to the membership for a vote. That’s called a compromise. Turns out he can negotiate. Seems extremely fair, right? Nope.

Unite for Strength then held a meeting to oust Allen two weeks ago. Well, they didn't actually hold the meeting to oust Allen, they were asked point blank if that was their intention and they said "No." It was just an ordinary business meeting. But once it started, they introduced a motion to oust Allen –– that way no one could prepare a defense for him. Some SAG leadership filibustered the meeting using procedural moves. Seriously, all this shit happened DURING a contract negotiation. How do you think negotiations are going?

Finally, on Monday, the board voted to remove Allen.

Oooooo. A “task force.” Nothing instills confidence like replacing a negotiating committee with a task force. (Insert picture of studio heads laughing, drinking champagne and doing blow off hookers asses.)

Insane narcissism.

And that’s why SAG is a farce of a union. If this were a real union, people like Amy Brennerman and Kate Walsh would fear for their lives, as God intended. Did I mention they implemented new rules forbidding the President of SAG from speaking to the press on the union's behalf? Yeah, they president of the union cannot speak to the media. Brilliant. The elected leader of the union has been muted. I wonder if that will cause half the union to become enraged. Hey, I did mention all this is happening during a contract negotiation, right?

The worst part of this entire story is that Unite for Strength is using this contract negotiation stalemate to undermine the union in hopes of merging with AFTRA. Yes, they are making SAG less powerful to merge it with a shockingly ineffective union. It’s mind-boggling how fucking stupid these people are. AFTRA has tried to merge with SAG 17 times over the years. And 17 times, the SAG membership has said no. So, obviously the best thing to do is to use backhanded maneuvers to push a SAG-AFTRA merger. But that is the Unite for Strength endgame. Unfortunately, it’s one that will fail.

You’re going to hear a lot of crazy shit about SAG from here on out. In the end, this will be an epic fail for the Hollywood history books. This is the death of a union. Just remember the names of the people who killed it: Amy Brenneman, Kate Walsh, Ken Howard, Ned Vaughn, James Cromwell and Adam Arkin.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The right wing has had a jerk off torture fantasy going for the past 7 years. Despite all contrary evidence, they believe we have Jack Bauers running about, saving us on a daily basis. Sadly, they don't have any facts to back up their masturbatory thoughts of human suffering. And now Barack Obama has done the unthinkable! With his pen, Obama eliminated torture and US torture camps. Naturally, the right wing can’t believe this is happening. I mean, has the president seen the fictional show 24? This shit is going down all the time!

Meanwhile, there are many people, myself included, who would like Bush and members of his administration prosecuted for war crimes. The right disagrees.They want to go back to the old ways. Check out Kit Bond last week.



Since torture is a war crime and is clearly illegal, these men should not be allowed to debate torture while using new, exciting words to describe it. They should be scolded and asked only one question: “Which of Jesus’ teachings support torture?” That would end of discussion rather quickly. And you can follow with, “Whom would Jesus torture?”

Many of these idiots think we are constantly in danger like in the fictional show 24. They repeatedly bring up 24 and the ticking time bomb scenario. Did I mention 24 is a fictional show? As in “Made up.” “Written.” “Not real.” But time after time, they claim the ticking clock scenario is why we need to torture.

Here’s how events transpire in the real world.

BOOM.

"Whoa. We should find out who did that."

or

"We’re going to blow some shit up."

"When?"

"In a year."

"You’re busted."

"Why?"

"You were talking about it for like a year."

Not much happens between those two scenarios, but the right wing would like you to believe the NOT REAL show 24[i/] is real. So, in celebration of the right wing thought process, I would like to introduce you to 10 television scenarios we, as Americans, need to pretend are real. It’s a list! The Internet loves lists! It’s the Internet’s first hacky formula and I’m embracing it! You don’t have to mess with transitions and idiots can easily grasp the body of your message! Yay! Lists!

1. Three’s Company: If we just tell all the terrorists we are gay, then we will be able to live here without them bothering us. As long as the Taliban isn’t working on the plumbing in the bathroom down in Mexico and they don’t hear our conversation about a girl we are dating through a pipe, all will be well. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it is as plausible and realistic as the ticking time bomb scenario. That makes it awesome!

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Obviously, we have to keep the Hellmouth closed. That means we have to ward off blood sacrifices on the seal. To do that, we have to make sure a girl can kill people in the streets. Just one girl per town, mind you. Strangely, a Hellmouth opening is more plausible than the 24 ticking time bomb scenario. Go figure.

3. Lost: We need to begin life saving surgery on powerful people, then stop in the middle and make demands. If people don’t do what we want, we let the patient die. Totally effective and happens all the fucking time. Do not outlaw this Obama, as it happens all the time and the CIA has saved tons of lives.

4. The Shield: Why can’t cops use hand grenades to kill other cops? I’ve been asking this question since the War on Terror began and I still don’t have a reasonable answer. As a tactic, it is comparable to the ticking time bomb scenario torture in effectiveness. How would a cop killing another cop with a hand grenade save us from terrorists? Obviously, that’s classified. But it needs to happen.

5. Star Trek: We build a Doomsday Machine that moves around the universe destroying plants. Why is that not happening and why is it not legal? One question: If a Doomsday Machine destroyed the planet would there be terrorism? The answer is “no.” Let’s make this shit happen. Commodore Decker was onto something, just like Jack Bauer.

6. Battlestar Gallactica: Tell me again why we can’t rape Cylons? That’s what I though; you don’t have an answer. It’s the only way to get information out of them –– even though it doesn't work.

7. Heroes: We should be allowed to set people on fire and freeze others to death. Imagine creating a show where you had one person able to create fire and another ice and you don’t have them battle. What an epic failure of a show runner you would be. Just that one example shows the inherent flaws in the creator’s ability to mine his characters for dramatic effect. Anyway, setting people on fire to get info would really help with terrorists. At least that’s what right wing lunatics think. I know this because they also think people like Jack Bauer are real.

8. Soap: No scenario here, I just wanted you tools to know that Arrested Development was a stolen idea.

9. WKRP: Throw live turkeys out of helicopters. I have no idea how this would be used to save lives, but it seems a bit more exciting and as applicable as what happens in 24.

10. Mama’s Family: Seriously. Make terrorists watch it. Over and over.

So, there are ten scenarios or tactics that can be used to save us from terrorists. Like 24, they are totally made up and therefore we can pretend like they will save us from bad people.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Later today, after the sun has risen on Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will present what may be his last Throne Speech as PM. Canadian “news” sources would have us believe that there are major dominion-wide, bail-out dollars to be had for failing industries, and that this will solve all of our nation’s economic woes. Resource development will continue apace, and, if we invest our wee dividends appropriately, we, as nation, may just make it out of this whole “economic dealy” in the black. But really, who are they shitting?

With plans to run deficits in the multiple-dozen billion dollar range every year for the Tories foreseeable term, the Canadian people will be up to their necks in a deep pile of shitty debt by the time this economic “turmoil” has sorted itself out, or the Tories are booted from office, whichever blessing arrives first. Meanwhile, Stephen Harper and his publicly-subsidized pack of lackeys will be drawing fat pensions from our pay-cheques while we slave away, day after day, ad infinitum. Seriously, is this the sort of future any Canadian wants?

For their part, the Liberal Party, with new interim leader Michael Ignatieff at the helm of their sinking ship, claim they will not let the PM “skate by with a passing grade.” I take this promise with a massive grain of salt, though it could just be the years of bitterness and anger I’ve pent up against the Liberas that makes me believe they won’t do shit on Tuesday, coalition agreement be damned. Even with a clear head, I wouldn’t give more than a 25% chance, at absolute ballsiest-best, that they’ll vote to defeat the Conservatives over the upcoming budget.

The NDP, however, I’m certain will vote unanimously against the budget, and with good reason. The Conservatives are the enemy of Canada’s working people (and, I would argue, the majority of citizens as well), and if the NDP vote with Harper’s government on anything, from this point on, I swear to Christ I will deny them my vote, as I’ve denied the Liberals mine, until the day I die. I’m sure, though, that Pat Martin will hold onto my vote for another day, as the dirty deeds of Harper & Co. are far too foul, at this point, to forgive.

Just this past Thursday, in fact, a leaked memo from the Conservatives was revealed by NDP environment critic Linda Duncan regarding a planned bill which would eliminate environmental assessments for projects on government land valued at $10 million dollars or less, a move which fits nicely into the Conservatives proposal to increase spending on federal infrastructure projects. If the NDP vote goes along with any of Harper’s backward schemes, regardless of “economic climate,” then they aren’t worth shit as representatives of Canada’s “progressive” Left, and ought to be abandoned along with the Liberal Party, to disappear, in shame, off the radar.

Earlier this past evening, as I was celebrating Robbie Burns Day with a dram of scotch, I had no takers in a bet regarding Harper’s fall. I was hoping someone would back the non-confidence front, but no dice. This, really, is no surprise, but I was in the sporting mood. NDP MP Pete Stoffer is a man whose thinking parallels mine here, or perhaps mine mimics his own? Regardless, he was quoted on the CBC saying, “If I was a betting man, I would say this honestly, I have a feeling the budget may be allowed to pass.”

I am not taking any more bets on this issue, however, I have the day off Tuesday, and have not much planned besides securing a case of Lucky Lager, rolling some joints, and listening over the radio as the deal goes down, or doesn’t. With luck, it won’t, but, realistically, I’ll be shocked to shit if it doesn’t.


Dean Jensen lives in Winnipeg, and also writes for The Manitoban.

Here we are again, staring another Asshole Fuckface Roundup in the face. Don’t be scared. Several Asshole Fuckfaces were sent to obscurity this week, rarely to be heard from again. Henceforth, all we will hear from the Asshole Fuckface administration is occasional whining and complaining. That’s a lot better than the in your face stupidity we’ve been subjected to for 8 years. Sadly, Asshole Fuckfaces still exist. They are still quite active and it is still my job to point them out to you, so that you may mock them. Someone has to do it. So, put on your most fluid resistant moccasins, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface baking.

People who live in New York City think it is the greatest place on Earth. I lived there for five years. I disagree, mostly because the city has an astounding number of fucking idiots running about. It is a cornucopia of Asshole Fuckfaces. Take Ted Kefalinos, baker and owner of Lafayette French Pastry in Greenwich Village. Ted decided to celebrate our new president’s inauguration by baking some “Drunken Negro Head” cookies.

Um. So. You. Eh.

The name of the cookies seems to change. Sometimes Ted calls them Drunken Negro Cookies and other times he calls them Drunken Nigger Cookies. And no one has burned down his store. Strange. But Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

I said, Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

Well, since your now horribly ashamed sister married a Cuban fella, you should be able to make any racist cookie you want. Please send me some Stingy Kike Puffs and a few Dirty Spicwhiches

Four years of this shit, at least.

Next up, some fantastic military Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our military is awesome. Not only do they make our soldiers fight on and on and on with no break, but they also charge them for uniforms and stuff.

Since when did working in the military become like working at Taco Bell?

Um, listen. I realize you just fought in a ridiculous, horribly planned war and we didn’t give you the proper armor and stuff, but can we have those pants back? You don’t have the pants? Seriously, we’re not kidding. We really need the pants. We’ve only got one pair for each dude and we need all of them.

I don’t know how these guys could misplace any gear in a war situation. Don’t they check to make sure they have all their stuff?

Oh, right. IT’S A FUCKING WAR.

You don’t say.

Honestly, it was careless. And he could have gotten it dry-cleaned. How about a little respect for the uniform? You don’t see me walking around in a blood-covered suit, do you?

Next up, some Democratic Leadership Asshole Fuckfacery.

Harry Reid may be the most useless, pathetic Democrat in the country. The man is a walking fool and is not afraid to show it.

Obama started his campaign promise to limit lobbyist’s access to government. He announced government employees leaving their positions could not lobby the department they left for two years. That was apparently a bit much for “I don’t know what in the fuck I am doing” Harry. This week he explained his door will remain wide open for all lobbyists.

He must have missed that year long campaign thingy.

Aw. Da poor wittle wobbyists. I so feel for them and their buying of the government. They work so very hard. What the fuck are you thinking?

Shocking. But, hey, at least his kids aren’t rapists, or this might be really awkward. Harry needs to go.

Next up, some “I didn’t learn from recent history” Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember when the record industry went after kids who downloaded songs? Remember how that was a total failure and caused a massive backlash amongst kids who purchase music? Remember how the record industry put up the white flag and surrendered on the lawsuits? That seems like so many couple of years months days ago.

Now the movie industry has decided to do the same thing, but with a dash of worse thrown in. RealDVD is a relatively new product that lets people save the DVDs they own to their computers. The DVD will only play on your computer.

So, you own it, which means you can play it the devices you want, right? The program does not harm the movie industry because users still have to buy the DVD and can’t rip them. If you think about it, it’s exactly the type of technology the movie industry should embrace, right? Nope.

Welcome to Epic Fail 2, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John Thain is the guy that looks like a Clark Kent doll you saw grinning from page one of your paper Friday morning. Thain was just fired by Bank of America because the square-jawed executive demanded a $30 million bonus after losing $5 billion in just three months at the bank's Merrill Lynch unit. In addition, Thain spent over a million dollars redecorating his office while, at the same time, the U.S. Treasury was bailing out his company with billions in aid. Thain's office re-do included the installation of a $35,000 toilet bowl.

Thain was robbed. He shouldn't have been fired; he should have gotten a $60 million bonus -- and Obama should immediately hire him as Secretary of the Treasury in place of that tax-dodging lightweight that's been nominated, Timothy Geithner.

Here's the facts, ma'am.

Thain was CEO of Merrill Lynch, the big brokerage firm. On a good day, Merrill is worth zero. A week before it was about to go out of business, Thain sold this busted bag of financial feces to Bank of America for $50 BILLION.

I'd say that's worth a bonus.

But it gets better. When the bag broke and another $5 billion in losses were discovered at Merrill, Thain went to the U.S. Treasury and got ANOTHER $20 BILLION to cover Bank of America's bad financial bet -- from us, the taxpayers.

Now that certainly deserves a bonus. And let's face it, a butthole that big needs a $35,000 toilet.

Instead, the guy that paid the $50 billion, Bank of America Chairman Kenneth Lewis, is keeping his job. Lewis is the same guy that just spent billions more on buying Countrywide Financial, the sub-prime mortgage loan sharks that have brought America to its knees and put Bank of America into effective bankruptcy. (Note to Mr. Lewis: the only thing worse than getting cancer is PAYING for it.)

But dumber than Lewis is the loser who OK'd paying Bank of America for its losses on Merrill, who traded a pile of turds for a stack of gold -- our gold from the U.S. Treasury. That was Tim Geithner, Obama's pick for Treasury Secretary, who's now answering questions at Senate confirmation hearings about his funky tax filings.

Tiny Tim was head of the New York Federal Reserve Bank during the Bush regime. Along with Bush's Secretary of the Treasury, Geithner came up with that $700 billion bail-out that loaded banks with loot on their way to insolvency. Bank of America got $25 billion of it to spend on Thain's company Merrill. That was before the extra $20 billion was weedled by Thain.

So why, President Obama, have you given us Tiny Tim to save our sorry nation's economic behind? What's with that?

In another life I was an economist. Really. So here's the economic facts of life: Our valiant young president is going to have to borrow a trillion dollars to bring our economy back from the grave. He's got to borrow it, no choice about that. But who in their right minds will lend it to us? I can tell you the number one job of a new Treasury Secretary will be to con Saudi sheiks and Chinese apparatchiks into lending us another trillion (they've already lent $2 trillion).

Who in the world can talk them into it?

The answer came to me after I went this afternoon to see my proctologist, a brilliant doctor with one eye and really long fingers. (OK, I made that up.) The good doctor told me that hoary old joke about the heart and brain and rectum getting into a fight about which one was more important. When the higher organs made fun of the butt-end, the rectum went on strike. After a month, the brain and heart couldn't take it any more -- the whole body was about to explode. So they told the rectum, 'You win.' And the rectum said, Now you know why an asshole's always in charge.

There's our answer. Instead of an easily duped, incompetent weasel like Geithner for Secretary of the Treasury, what we really need is a lying bucket of evil snot, a flaming red take-no-prisoners asshole. A guy like Thain that can sell a piece of crap like Merrill for billions -- twice -- is just what we need to shake down the sheiks. "America for Sale! Cheap!"

And Thain comes with his own gold-plated toilet.


Greg Palast is the co-author of Steal Back Your Vote, a comic book co-authored with Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Watch Palast's investigative reports on BBC Television's Newsnight and in Rolling Stone Magazine. For more info go to GregPalast.com.

I really didn’t expect Obama to publicly chastise George W. Bush during his inaugural speech, but that is exactly what happened on Tuesday. It was an old fashioned verbal beat down. Line after line repudiating the terrible policies of Bush, while the creep was forced to sit quietly and listen. And all this after being booed by the crowd as he made his entrance. Welcome to the rest of your life George, you are a massive failure.

Obama started by tossing George a bit of sugar.

Now, George, please take your balls out of your pants and gently rest them on your chair because I am going to hit them with a hammer.

Barry started with the economy.

An open handed slap to the face. This was a direct response to the Bush policies of the past eight years. It could have only been better if Obama had said it directly to George: "You did nothing about our failed energy policy, which weakened us militarily and financially. You did nothing to fix healthcare. You did nothing to solve our public school problems. You did nothing to prepare America for the future."

Most notably, Obama said, “failure to make hard choices.” Bush’s line was and has always been, “I make the hard choices, even if they aren’t popular.” It was no mistake that Obama used this exact language. He stood in front of America and told Bush he did not make hard choices. Rather brutal from a diplomatic standpoint.

Barry continued.

Punch to the gut. Barry just told George the way he governed was wrong. Bad. Sorry. Lame. Weak. And nobody was into it. The grown up is taking over. Just sit and listen, I’m in charge of this shit now.

Knee to the head. He just called Bush “petty” and called him out on making “false promises.” Ouch. Although, that one was actually a combo. It was a “you blew it” to George and a “watch your shit” warning for Congress. Might want to listen, boys.

In a minute or so, Obama moved on to my favorite moment of the entire speech.

Roundhouse kick to the face. Bush was just called out for throwing science overboard –– and he had to sit there quietly and listen. Obama went on to explain that his restoration in science will lead to improvements in health care, energy and schools. Let's get some stem cells and solar panels up in this bitch!

Elbow to the nose. Again, this is an attack on everything Bush stands for. Obama is telling America to look beyond the small minded, backward government of Bush, to see a future where great things can be achieved. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but he’s kicking Bush and his cynicism in the face.

Hi, reframing, my name is Barack. I just took a shiv and jammed it into the ribs of a former “small government” president sitting behind me. Small or big doesn’t matter –– only whether or not it works. Uh oh. Republicans just shit themselves all over America. Dude with the mic took away your big, stupid argument. Better hope this one doesn’t stick, you fucking Neanderthals.

Holy shit. Another roundhouse kick to George’s face. Is he still conscious? Obama just told George his tax cuts and his obliteration of regulatory bodies ruined us. This is when I started giggling. I can only assume now completely transformed into a super villain Dick Cheney was squirming.

Is it possible to do a roundhouse kick to the testicles? Because I think that's what just happened. George, we reject you. You know that whole thing you built your 8 years in office on? We reject it. Completely.

Shhhh! Just sit there and listen, he’s not done.

He poured salt in one of the many open wounds. “Once more.” Because that hasn’t been happening for the past eight years. Obama just told Bush we haven’t been leading. How delightful is that? How long have you waited to hear that?

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Will somebody is Bush’s corner throw in the towel? It’s like Obama is bunching a sack of meat. “Nor does it entitle us to do as we please?” At this point he’s just lecturing Bush on how to be a proper leader, like he is a five-year-old.

This was not just a comment to leaders around the world. This was a comment for George, first and everyone else second. George has built nothing, he has only destroyed. His administration was shockingly corrupt, deceitful and he was just told so by an adult. “Unclench your fist.” My God. Brutal. Those three words could not describe Bush more. And it was obvious, throughout this speech, who he was talking to. Today, some historians have said no president has repudiated another so harshly during an inaugural address since Roosevelt handed Hoover his ass on a plate. And you can be sure the message was received this time.

Yet, they have no power to respond. With these comments, you can be sure Obama washed his hands of these people.

They have been set aside. It’s time to clean up the day care center.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Welcome, Barry. You are already my favorite black president and you’ve only been on the job one day. That’s all kinds of awesome. Keep it up. To get through your four years (yeah, that’s all your getting) I’m going to give you some fantastic advice. To be honest, there’s no way you'll survive without it. I am all knowing and I smell nice. So, here we go.

How about Israel gets by without shitloads of our money? I think they’ll do okay. At the very least, pulling back on giving them gobs and gobs of money might make them less prone to go on another baby killing massacre spree. Besides, we need all that money for our own baby killing sprees. Giving 7 million dollars a day to Israel is completely ridiculous, especially considering the state of our country. Israel seems all growned up, so let’s take off the training wheels. Plus, people seem to really like us a lot less because we back Israel up during their baby killing sprees. That’s not going to work out in the long run –– or the short run. So, that’s 3 billion a year we can use here in the good old US of A. You’re welcome, Barry.

Next up, let’s get our gamble on, Barry! We’re all adults –– or, at least most of us are (Admittedly, some of are children). Specifically, I am talking about Internet gambling. Let’s face it, people aren’t going to be going out much during this depression –– and they are going to want to gamble because they are sad and hopeless. Actually, they ARE going to gamble, regardless of the laws. Congress made online gambling illegal a couple of years ago –– which just means people are now gambling illegally and we are not collecting tax revenue. That’s a lot of money we are just letting slip away for no reason.

Look at how much money I just made for you, Barry! That’s sweet, sweet cash you can make just sitting on your ass. Again, you are welcome.

Next up, let’s get our vaginas and penises going. Time to legalize prostitution. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Barry, but it’s happening, everywhere. From what I’ve read it happened big time at the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. New York Governors do it and Louisiana Senators do it. There’s lots of fucking for money going on and we should get in on that action. Apparently, just one brothel can bring in $250,000 in taxes per year.

That’s just one. There would probably be many more because tons of dudes don’t have mad skillz when it comes to the ladies –– and yet they love vaginas. We’re talking about $360 million in tax revenue. Granted, it’s not as much as cutting off baby killing Israel, but it’s a nice chunk of change.

Let’s stop those wars. They are totally bumming me out, seem pretty useless and are making us less safe. We’re kicking down $144 billion a year in Iraq and they don’t even like us (Mostly because we kill them and stuff). We are throwing in another $4 billion a year in Afghanistan. Let’s admit we blew it in both cases. Totally blew it. We need to now acknowledge we are fuck ups, say, "My bad," apologize and go home. It’s like having too much tequila at a party and waking up the next morning with hazy memories of peeing in the dryer, punching a hole in the wall and grabbing your friend’s breast. It’s a loss. You blew it. Nobody wants you around. It’s time head home and soak in our shame. I just saved you $196 billion a year, Barry. You are very welcome.

Of course, the biggest and most obvious money saving move would be to legalize a bunch of drugs. You know, gateway drugs. I’m talking marijuana, tranquilizers, a few painkillers, Ketamine, magic mushrooms, LSD and ecstasy. Honestly, I don’t know shit about Ketamine, but I like the name, so I put it on the list. I am quite familiar with the rest of them. That’s why God made college.

The war on drugs is ridiculous.

That is just the “effectiveness” of our drug war. The amount of money we spend in fighting the drug war and the lost revenue in taxes is insane. The “experts” are all over the map in terms of actual gains. A Libertarian economist recently concluded we would net about $77 billion from the legalization of all drugs.

That’s pretty sweet. I could buy a boat, or something, with that kind of money. Our government obviously doesn’t have the balls to legalize them all, so let’s just go with the really fun ones.

And this money doesn’t even include all the money we are going to spend protecting ourselves from Mexico, as it descends into an unstable country run by drug cartels. Although, I’m sure the Christians will lose their minds, so let’s say we’re going to legalize everything, then “compromise” and just legalize pot.

Dude, I just made you $41.8 billion dollars. Spend it as you wish. And you can tell people you smoked pot and everything worked out. Hell, you smoked crack and everything worked out.

Next up, increase the gas tax. Each penny increase is about 2 billion in annual revenue. Let’s kick that fucker up 10 cents for a year. How’s that $20 billion I just made you doing? Why stop there? 50 cents for a year = $100 billion. Even if you take it and spend it all on hookers and pot, we walk away with some serious cash because of all the other moves I’ve laid out.

I just made you some serious, dough, Barry. Don't fuck this up. It's just waiting there for you to take. After you get all this money together, I think you should build a public teleportation device.

Good luck,

As always,

Your pal,

FearTheReaper


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Thank you!



Very appreciated.



Gracias!



Eternally grateful.



Indebted.



Wish you were staying!



Missing you already.



Much obliged.



Seriously, thanks.



Praying for you, as always.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

In less than a week, president elect Barack Obama will be President Obama. Shortly thereafter, he’s promised he’ll be taking his act up to Ottawa for a meeting with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. As of now, no date has been set for this meeting, but Reuters is announcing agenda updates regarding the controversial oil sands issue. Many in Canada have been discussing the president-elect’s upcoming visit. Indeed, it’s the talk of the country if the CBC is to be believed on this one. They’ve even gone so far as to put together a “Canadian playlist” for the President to present to him upon his arrival.

Yeah, weird hey? Of almost equal interest in the Canadian media are the issues that the President –– who campaigned with the promise of “Change” –– will discuss with a Prime Minister who clings to power through a series of parliamentary holding patterns and whose policies over the last three years have mimicked the Bush administrations as far as the minority government’s weak mandate allowed? Where, if any, is the common ground these two share?

An aside here for those who don’t live in Canada: I figure this “minority government” business ought to be explained straight away. An editorial in the recent edition of Canadian Dimension lays it out like this:

Presently, Stephen Harper’s Conservative party does not hold a majority of seats in Parliament, but something like 144 out of 308. Over the last month, he has held on to control of the government by suspending parliament in the middle of an economic crisis. His hold on the country is tenuous, with something like 38% of votes in an election where turnout was lower than 60%. (A previous Newswire post, It's a Leftist Takeover, Canadian Style, broke it down rather well.)

What common ground could they possibly have? Stephen Harper appears like a goofy, yet sinister robot programmed into the body of a Child of the Corn, while Obama appears to be a genuinely decent person, as far as politicians run. Or maybe I’m wrong.

Time will tell –– and Reuters is telling me right now –– that Alberta’s oil sands development, a key part of the outgoing U.S. administration and Prime Minister Harper’s Conservative party’s North American (key word being “American”) “energy security” agenda. Steve admits, frankly, “We've got to do a better job environmentally” in the tar sands.

Harper then goes on to explain, however, that “the development of these things is pretty important, in our judgment, to North American energy security.” If you have heard this fucking guy talk about anything, you'll know this means he doesn’t give a shit about anyone's security but his own; He will continue in any direction that will keep Alberta’s –– and his own –– fortunes flowing. Secondary concerns, such as the environment, are quickly pushed to the side in Harper’s Canada, as proven by his track record for slashing federal funding for environmental organizations and initiatives.

The tar sands development poses serious threats to the environment, as it involves tearing down a boreal forest that covers most of the northern half of the province in order to suck oil, at massive cost in terms of money, fresh water, energy –– not to mention the ecosystem. Northern Alberta is a goddamn mess, plain and simple, and in tearing up the earth, they are wreaking major environmental damage to not only the immediate area, but the entire watershed, which flows northward into the North-West Territories, poisoning the water and food sources of many communities downstream.

Fort Chipewyan is a fucking awful example of what is happening already up there without the additional multi-billion dollar projects planned. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet were so concerned, they even scampered northwards to check out the tragic scene this past summer. The dollars invested in developing this dubious source of petroleum are staggering. Fresh water is diverted from rivers and used to steam thick bitumen oil from the soil in a process that takes approximately 4 liters of fresh water to produce 1 liter of bitumen oil. That water is then left to sit in “tailing ponds” close to the Athabasca river, where migratory birds die by the hundreds every spring and fall.

The list of fucked up shit involved when discussing the tar sands is astronomical. Just where Obama will stand on this issue, among others, will certainly set the tone for the relationship his administration will hold with Prime Minister Harper’s (minority) government –– should it last long enough to enjoy a visit from the new president. Will Stephen Harper try to navigate the waves of change and abandon his hard-nosed shit blind backwoods neocon trip for the easy sail? Time will tell, I guess. Nothing to do but sit here and wait on it…

djensen lives and writes in Winnipeg, Manitoba

Conservatives have begun their push to pretend as if George Bush was not a horrible president. For them, it is personal. They voted for the guy, so the finger will always be pointed at their stupid heads. This causes them to look intensely at the Bush presidency and try to spin the utter failure into win. It’s actually quite amusing to witness. And it’s working a bit. Bush’s approval ratings have shot up to a spectacular 34% on the back of an increase in Republican approval. A retarded 74% of Republicans now approve of the job Bush has done. Amazing. This week Fred Barnes broke down the awesomeness of Bush in the Weekly Standard.

Yep. The guy who went AWOL during Vietnam has bucket loads full of courage. Bush has never done anything courageous in his life. He is a pampered rich boy who failed his way to the presidency. He is the ultimate example of everything that is wrong with America. Stupidity and arrogance crammed into the body of an old, drunk frat boy.

Barnes then launches into Bush’s “Ten greatest achievements.”

I love how the right wing has turned knowledge and facts into “elite opinion.” It’s a great way to dismiss all facts.

Human: Hey, the Earth's surface is mostly water.

Idiot: Pfffft. According to your “elite opinion.”

Human: No, it's a fact.

Idiot: Nope!

Human: I don’t know what’s happening

Idiot: I win!

The failure to sign Kyoto was the beginning of our downfall with much of the world. It was the ultimate example of the gluttony and selfishness of America. If you don’t believe in global warming, you’re an idiot. There is no reason to even talk to you about it. You are just a fucking moron and should be treated with derision. You are unworthy of debate, or even eye contact.

Not one word in that paragraph is true. Not one word. And we shouldn’t engage them, because then we are playing their ridiculous game.

And, lying is a great way to start out an article about Bush’s achievements.

Why is Bush awesome? Because he’s a war criminal. Seriously, that’s what this asshole just wrote. He’s praising torture and yet, he didn’t put down his pen and punch himself in the face afterwards. I know this because there is a number 3.

Here we go, more breaking of the law as an achievement. This is absolutely amazing. Conservatives may want to explain why they are anti-democracy at this point. The “rebuilding of presidential authority” has led to the destruction of our country. This philosophy is the heart of all our problems. The unitary executive theory is a profound distortion of our system of government and is everything the Founding Fathers were against. But here’s a conservative tool, holding it up as an achievement.

Hell, yes. And two wars in the past two years show how awesome that plan went. At this point, America is seriously damaged due to our relationship with Israel. It is one of the main reasons we are hated in many parts of the world –– and it’s completely unworth it. Religious fanatics like Bush support Israel because of the Bible end game and for no other reason. It’s a book. Get over it.

No Child Left Behind is a massive failure. Teacher after teacher has railed against the law, which forces schools to rely on high-stakes exams to boost scores to get money, instead of on pursuing a broader vision of education. The reason Barnes touts NCLB is because it is a conservative plan to destroy public education. The ultimate goal is to destabilize and defund public schools. So, kudos. And don’t worry about all those kids getting fucked during your “kill the public schools” transition period.

Look, we’re all adults. Can’t we act like it? America is the greatest supporter of brutal regimes in the world. We always have been, we always will be. Like your comments on global warming, when this remark comes out of your mouth, people should laugh at you. You are essentially a word clown. Read a bit about a guy named Musharraf of Pakistan and get back to me.

Um. Bush fucked up so bad on Medicare that Kucinich included it in his articles of impeachment.

But, yeah, other than all that, nice work on Medicare. Like NCLB, Barnes touts this as an “achievement” because it is designed to destroy Medicare from within.

Well, that’s an achievement if you love big business and hate the workingman and the separation of church and state. I can’t really say much about this because I fault Democrats for letting the shocking ideologues into the Supreme Court. Barnes is actually right on this one. They should be proud of their boy here.

First up, thanks for strengthening our relationship with Japan. We were seriously worried about that. But more importantly, if #9 on your list is strengthening relations with our friends, you are a shocking failure.

Hup, ho, hold the fuck up. He had to surge because he FUCKING BLEW IT. The war was run horribly. Look, if I miss the toilet and shit all over the floor, I don’t get credit for cleaning up the shit. So, stop it. It makes you look stupid.

I just missed the toilet and shit all over the floor.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. He currently has rather wet and soiled shoes. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

One of the great things about Obama taking over is we get to watch corrupt, horrible government employees lose their jobs. Take the Pentagon. Last month, the Obama team announced 90 douchebags would not be coming back. They didn’t actually use the term “douchebags,” but let’s face it, that is an extremely appropriate description.

A fucking email? Holy shit. How much of a complete and total asshole do you have to be to receive a termination email? I think dogs get better treatment. Of course, these people should actually be in jail, so they are getting off easy.

Now, if all was good in the world, we would be able to watch live on video as these people received the news of their future non-employment. But sometimes the world is cruel and we only get a bit of their public crying.
Special assistant to the Secretary of Defense, Jim O’Beirne, was none to pleased at the manner of notification.

I will. You’re a bunch of cunts. You ran a frightfully pathetic war and ruined our military. That’s just a guess.

Um. Yeah. One man’s “politics” is another man’s insane “ideology.” O’Beirne explained it was their adherence to the Bush doctrine that played a part in their termination.

Jimmy, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Can you give outstanding performances during the worst presidency in the history of our country? Is that possible? Doesn’t that mean your outstanding performance greatly contributed to the epic failure? I think it does. “Hey, I was the treasurer of Death Town,” doesn’t get you much with me. Going full speed doesn’t mean shit if you’re going the wrong way. You can pat yourself on the back for driving 170 miles an hour, but if you ended up in Fresno, it’s still a massive fail.

To see who these people are, we need only look at the now fired Jim O'Beirne. He’s one of the guys who helped turn Iraq into a complete and total fucking mess. Ever heard of the Coalition Provisional Authority? They were the guys who spent their time trying to implement a flat tax in Iraq, while a religious war took hold. They were trying to get the Baghdad Stock Market rolling, while suicide bombers blew up everything in sight.

If there is one book you should read to understand how poorly the war was run in the first year, it’s Imperial Life in the Emerald City. It is a shocking and brutal account of the extreme politicization of the Iraq War. And it was all done at the hands of guys like Jim O’Beirne. Here’s an excerpt from the book.

Yes, abortion. During interviews to determine whether people were qualified to rebuild Iraq. Abortion. Take a moment now to remember what Jimmy said in that email.

This is the guy now complaining like a bitch about how he and others were fired. Welcome to the world of irony, Jimmy. If you asked a qualified government employee with experience in nation building, whether he was for or against Roe v. Wade and then excluded him based on his views on abortion, that was “outstanding performance.” This is exactly what Jim O'Beirne did. Experienced individual after experienced individual were excluded based on their political beliefs. The State Department was completely excluded from post war planning, because they did not adhere to the insane ideological plans of neo cons like Jim O'Beirne.

Today we should celebrate the pain and removal from government service of O’Beirne. He is a shining example of the worst our country has to offer.

That’s why Iraq turned into the epic disaster it is.

And now you're not anywhere. See how that works?

Imperial Life in the Emerald City should be required reading for every American.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Good Asshole Fuckface morning to you! It’s the day our Lord Jesus Christ declared Asshole Fuckface Roundup day! You know, Asshole Fuckfacing is not something that happens all at once. It actually occurs over a period of time and builds, until it consumes you. That’s why we recommend you never start, not even recreationally on weekends. Asshole Fuckfacing is some dangerous shit and hard to control. One day someone says something horrible and the next thing they know, they are in a Target with their dick out covered in baby’s blood. So, watch yourself. This week, I am delivering unto you another collection of the worst people alive. So, put on your most moist proof car cover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a repeat Asshole Fuckface offender.

It seems like just last week that Bobby Rush was in the Roundup because he compared the criticism of the appointment of Roland Burris to lynching. He actually did that before there was even any criticism, which as quite odd. But Bobby couldn’t stop there. Oh, hell no.

This week he was on the Hardball, and sweet Jesus did he fucking hardball.



What up, national embarrassment? Please keep talking, you totally do not appear to be insane.

You are a shocking and horrible Asshole Fuckface. Not only are you a Fuckface for pretending like the Burris criticism is about race, but you also just trivialized one of the ugliest periods in American history. You are throwing around the dog attacks in Alabama in order to guilt white politicians into accepting a rather lame politician into the Senate. It would be disgusting coming from a white man, but from a black man it’s almost beyond words.

Although, I do think racism is “as American as apple pie.”

Next up, some seriously bad father Asshole Fuckfacing.

Meet Danny Platt. He’s a 22-year-old man who lives in the still ruined city of New Orleans. Danny’s a father. Well, sort of. He was recently ordered to pay $4000 in child support, even though he actually doesn’t spend much time with the kid. That’s how the law works.

Well, that’s nice. They are finally connecting. Maybe that court order made him realize he should spend time with his son. Oh, wait, this is the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

Oh, yeah. You say that like it was an accident. I mean, you only killed him because you thought it would get you out of paying child support. Four thousand whole dollars. Who hasn’t done that?

Oh, I’d say he’s worse that that. Maybe the worst Asshole Fuckface of all time. I'm not a big fan of the Death Penalty, but go right ahead.

Next up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take long for the Democrats to start acting like a bunch of children. Naturally, it was Dianne Feinstein who took the first jump into lake Asshole Fuckface. She is basically just a Republican who has a D next to her name.

Dianne is the chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and she no likey Obama’s pick to head the CIA.

Actually, your position is best served by shutting the fuck up and keeping your problems with the new Democratic president in house, you corrupt demon.

Then came John “I’m from one of the worst families in the history of America” Rockefeller.

Now, you are probably saying, “Why all the hubbub?” They are just speaking their minds. No, they are not; they are pro-torture douchebags who are trying to cover their ass. Their oversight of Bush’s crimes was non-existent. They came down on the wrong side on Iraq, torture and warrantless wiretapping. They are the problem.

What is really disgusting about Rockefeller and Feinstein going public with their disagreement is that they spent eight years cheering every piece of shit appointee Bush made. OH, and they were both very pro-torture and domestic spying. And Panetta is very against torture and has been outspoken about it.

So, now that Obama is appointing someone who is strongly against torture, they throw a shit fit. Fuck them. They are criminals. Literally. Rockefeller, Feinstein and all the other Asshole Fuckfaces who supported the Bush torture regime are criminals.

Finally, some right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Why can’t Joe the Plumber just go back to the moron hole he crawled out of? The right wing won’t let this shockingly uniformed idiot just go away. This week it was announced Pajamas Media had hired Joe to be a journalist. What will he report on? Well, obviously one of the most complex situations in the world: The Israeli-Palestinian Battle.

Well, what this situation needs more than anything is an idiot’s take. I mean, Joe has such a strong grasp of the entire conflict. He's going to get a "real story out there." Because the media hasn't been doing what Joe the Plumber can. He's got an everyday common man thing going on that Israelis and Palestinians will relate to on a level journalists can't understand. Like when a dog sniffs another dog's ass in the park, it knows it's met one of its own.

You should jump in front of a missile, or something. I kid. You are actually everything that is wrong with Americans.

Holy fucking shit. How stupid can one man get? Yes, Joe, Christians don’t die. God protects them. Now run your ass into Gaza and see how that works out.



Let's just pray that Joe sees what war is actually all about and returns with deep, psychological scars that never heal.


Image by CCL courtesy of ronnie44052.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

There's a few articles floating around this week that don't paint a pretty picture for the ongoing war in Afghanistan, weeks from a new President being sworn in who promised to shift the military's focus away from Iraq and to the war there.

From The Associated Press:

Afghanistan is something of a forgotten war, compared to the causalities of the Iraq war, the causalities of Afghanistan have been relatively light, 561 members of the U.S. military have died. Of that number, 408 have been the victims of enemy action. However, over a quarter of all deaths came last year, there were a 151 deaths in 2008, marking the worst year for military deaths in the seven-year conflict.

Even less encouraging is the release of a new independent study showing that the U.S. had "unrealistic goals" in the Afghan conflict.

Without editorializing too much its not a major surprise that the Bush administration ran headlong into something without a cohesive plan, an exit strategy, or a well-articulated end goal. The report stresses something most of us have probably not really considered in these terms:

Which doesn't speak volumes for the two-term Bush Administration, and leaves quite a bit for President Obama to clean up.

It isn't just a matter of increasing violence, the tactics of the Taliban are changing as well, according to the Seattle Times:

Tactics are changing on the ground in Afghanistan, Admr. Michael Mullen, current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff says:

None of which bodes particularly well for the incoming Obama Administration, and the ongoing conflict in Gaza isn't helping much either:

According to to the CIA World Fact Book Afghanistan has a population of about 34 million people, so hundreds of them protesting might not sound like a major issue, but if we're being at all realistic, we have to recognize that Israeli's actions and our continued support of them –– right or wrong –– are stoking a fire in the Muslim world and the eventual backlash could be a terrifying sight to see.

Worse still, it's long been a recognized problem that Al-Qaeda members have been slipping across the border into northern Pakistan, retreating to regroup and rearm before returning to Afghanistan to fight American forces. And the situation there has not been improving as Pakistan fires their national security adviser for arguing that Indian and Pakistan should have closer ties and for allegedly being too "pro-American."

In addition to Gen. Petraeus' comments regarding the ongoing battle he adds:

Tensions have risen considerably between India and Pakistan in the wake of the recent attacks in Mumbai. If conflict comes about, one wonders what effect it could have on Pakistan's border with Afghanistan as the U.S. prepares to step up its efforts there. Pakistan has already moved troops from its Afghan border to its Indian border.

The end result of all this is a more porous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, while the population may begin to turn against U.S. forces and the insurgents change tactics to become more effective.

If that were not enough, there's also the big question of where all Afghanistan's heroin is going and how much all this is going to cost.

The future of Afghanistan looks bleak right now, and I offer this as news and not commentary since I have no answers, just a long, ugly list of observations and questions as to where we go from here.

It has begun. The shockingly stupid among us have started their chant. You will be hearing it for a long, long time. “Look at the Obama supporters crying.” “The Savior is not a Savior.” "Obamamanics Let Down By The Messiah.”

The underlying point behind all of these idiotic remarks you will be hearing is the same: Every person who voted for Obama thinks he will cure the country instantly and he will be the greatest politician of all time. This is an extremely ironic position to take from the followers of Jesus and Ronald Reagan.

They are, of course, implying people who voted for Obama were guided by blind faith and completely lacking the ability to honestly assess the candidate. Were there people like that? Sure. Do they number more than the evangelical lunatics who blindly voted for George W. Bush in massive numbers? Fuck no. This is pretty standard stuff. People get behind a candidate because of the climate in the country. In this case, people are excited about a president who appears to not be mentally handicapped and drunk. Can’t really blame them for that, can you?

Those of you spouting this “Obama is the Messiah” nonsense are shockingly stupid. I just wanted to point that out. You’re a complete moron. Your black and white thinking is exactly what got us into the disaster our country now finds itself in. It led us to eight years of Bush and now that you are faced with a bit of complexity and shades of gray, you fall back on your pile of idiot. You are an embarrassment to brains.

I voted for Obama. I supported him strongly at times and at other times, not at all. On more than one occasion I was called an “Obama fanboy” or an “Obamabot.” Never mind that at one point I decided to vote for a third party candidate because of Obama’s right wing leanings, I was a thoughtless robot in the Obama brain dead army.

I previously wrote about this incredibly moronic, right wing thought process in an article titled, “The Frankenliberal .” They create a false narrative and then spend hours attacking it, like an old man with Alzheimer’s arguing with himself in a retirement home. It’s a fairly strange phenomenon to observe. I know hundreds of people who voted for Obama and not one adheres to the right wing “Savior” story. They simply see a man who appears to be competent and may actually have the opportunity to right the ship before it sinks. And after the past 8-year shit parade, it excites them.

They are excited for a number of reasons. They are pretty easy to understand and I’m going to try to explain them to your right wing, monkey-like brains.

Bush was an embarrassment, every single day. He brought tremendous amounts of shame each and every time he opened his mouth. He seems to thrive on stubbornness and a lack of knowledge. On several occasions, he was obviously drunk in public. He had the intellectual curiosity of a rodent. He used the phrase “It’s hard work” to describe the office of the president so many times, one had to wonder why he took the job. He was so vindictive, he outed a CIA agent. He made torture, a practice America once hung people for, legal. He spied on Americans without warrants. His inept choices caused the death of hundreds during Hurricane Katrina, while America watched on television. He took us to war using lies and manipulation. He politicized the Justice Department and, therefore, the rule of law. He kidnapped and held foreigners without charges.

(You can probably skip to the bottom of this paragraph now, I think the point has been made).

He backed out of the Kyoto Protocol, making America look like the backwards hick of the world. He attacked nearly every environmental law that exists. He removed emails from the White House system, breaking the law under the White House Records Act. He’s committed war crimes. He allowed massive neglect of our veterans in hospitals. He failed in Afghanistan, the actual place where the terrorists trained. He mishandled North Korea, which lead to the country creating nukes. He created a massive mercenary army and privatized military support services, leading to price gouging, tainted food and water, slavery, corruption and murder. He allowed the energy companies to write U.S. energy policy and Enron was the result. He created the failure known as the Homeland Security Department. He gave tax cuts to the richest Americans during wartime and created massive deficits. He filled judicial appointments with corporate loving judges. He turned Medicare into a time bomb. He failed miserably on healthcare. He destroyed America’s image around the world. His policies led to Hamas taking over the Gaza Strip. He took no action to bring peace to the Israel-Palestine conflict. He refused to fund stem cell research. He encouraged the FDA to allow businesses to self-police. He filled consumer oversight positions with businessmen. He restricted the effectiveness of the EPA. He created a demoralizing and partisan atmosphere at the CIA under Peter Goss. He signed thousands of signing statements to bills. He devastated the National Guard. He overextended and broke the Army. He pushed for and signed the Grassley bankruptcy bill. He allowed Mexican trucks to enter the US without regard for safety or environmental standards. He gave us The Patriot Act. He waged a war on science. He paid for American journalists to write propaganda. He destroyed the labor department. He ignored a report on Bin Laden in August 2001. He declared ground zero non-toxic when it was not. He took health care money meant for ground zero workers back. His mining friendly policies led to the Sago mining disaster. He nominated Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court in just one of many acts of cronyism. He allowed heath care providers to turn away patients based on religious beliefs. He weakened pollution controls and opened forests to logging. He antagonized Russia by making a ballistic missile agreement with Poland. He deregulated the markets and pushed for a “home ownership” society leading to the housing crash. He allowed Enron to gut California. He violated the Hatch Act by using the GSA to promote Republican candidates. He brought Karl Rove into power. He obliterated the Civil Rights Division at the White House and oppressed minority voting. He created the disaster known as No Child Left Behind. He sent Paul Wolfowitz to run the World Bank with predictable and terrible results. He attempted to politicize Public Broadcasting. He used America’s terrorist warning system for political advantage, gave Medals Of Freedom to men who oversaw the epic failure known as the Iraq War. He allowed aggressive proselytizing by Christian evangelical faculty and cadets at the US Air Force Academy, had White House officials re-write scientific reports. He created a totally ineffective and expensive non-continuous fence along the US-Mexican border. He “bungled” oil leases, which will cost American taxpayers up to 9.8 billion dollars. He punished military attorney’s who successfully defended detainees. He created a secret court. He halted the phase out of the environmentally devastating gasoline additive MTBE. He kept failure Donald Rumsfeld in office way past his ripe date. Created enormous tax breaks for idiots to buy Hummers. He failed to properly provide soldiers with armor. He vetoed SCHIP. He put Katrina victims in toxic trailers. He made sure there were no audits of Iraq private contracts. He gutted the Consumer Products Safety Commission. He gave a grant of $43 million on May 17, 2001 to the Taliban government for its efforts to eradicate opium production. He stopped the release summaries of National Intelligence Estimates (NIEs) to the public. He created “Free Speech Zones” for protestors. He destroyed tapes of torture. He oversaw a massive decline in employment. He sent to dollar plummeting to new lows. Sent John Bolton, who hated the UN, to the UN as ambassador. He buried negative reports on Iraq reconstruction, pollution in the Great Lakes and privatizing US intelligence. He turned the SEC from a watchdog organization of Wall Street to a co-criminal. Due to a lack of oversight, Bush lost $10.7 billion in Iraq. His de-regulation of the foreign crude oil markets allowed speculators to drive up oil prices to new heights. His total lack of oversight on the bank bailout did nothing to solve the crisis.

Pretty small list, huh? See, Bush was the most corrupt and worst president in American history, so people like myself are excited to be done with him and to have a president in office who will, at the very least, treat the office with respect. Sure, a lot of people think Obama will be able to accomplish things he won’t, or that he won’t want to, but he will never be as horrible of a president as Bush. And every new president has a few supporters who think that.

Obama may fail, but at least he will work within the law and not shit on the people of the United States every single day. I am already disappointed in a few of Obama’s cabinet choices and his insanely stupid tax cut for big businesses stimulus plan, but he will never come close the ineptitude and blatant disregard for the law as Bush. You can dislike all of Obama’s policies, but he will never be as stupid or corrupt as our current lame duck.

So, each and every time you chuckle to yourself and think, “Man, those Obama fanboys sure are idiots,” remember, it’s all in your head. You have created a false narrative to sooth your wound from being out of power. We are actually adults and understand Obama will disappoint us at times and please us at others.

And remember, if you think others believe Obama is some sort of Savior, you are a very, very stupid human being.



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FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well it's on again, the late twentieth century's favorite cage fight: Israel vs. the Arabs! It's always a classic match, no matter who is representing the Arabs. Recent performances by the Hezbollah in northern matches last summer were excellent –– producing spectacular TV footage and rave reviews from pundits and journalists all over the world. This summer we aren’t looking at the big time game that we had in Lebanon. No sir, the Gaza Strip is a far more pedestrian location, but don’t let Hamas fool you by their relatively poor first appearances. While they seem a simple home town team, without the big rockets that Hezbollah have –– let alone the heavy artillery and first world air force that Israel commonly deploy in these matches –– these boys have guts and determination to burn, backing from Syria and Iran, and a game plan so simple that Israel will find it very hard to beat: survival. Yes indeed, it is going to be a humdinger of a match that promises all the drama and spectacle that we have come to expect of the Middle East. Game On!

Now if as an introductory paragraph that seems somewhat sarcastic, or even insulting, then you need to think outside the square about what we are seeing in the Gaza Strip. Hateful corp-speech though that cliché might be, it is actually something that we don’t do very much.

Go through the numbers in your head. The first communal violence between Jewish settlers and Palestinians in what was then the British mandate of Palestine was in early 1920. The communal violence continued on a small scale until 1948 when we had the first real war. This was followed by another 3 major wars (1956, 1967 and 1973), a long term Israeli military intervention in Lebanon (1982-2000), dozens of skirmishes on the ground and in the air, some minor, some major, but seemingly constant, periods of resistance in the Occupied Territories (1987, 2000), and since the first one in 1952 more terrorist attacks than any one cares to remember.

I’m thirty eight and I can’t remember a time when Israel-Palestine wasn't a festering boil on the backside of the world. Every time the boil flares up again we get the articles complaining about who did what to whom in what order. We get the complaints that not enough effort has been put into diplomacy. We blame the USA, we blame Syria, we blame Iran, we blame Israel, we blame the PLO and Hamas, we blame Islam, we blame the Zionists, we blame, we blame, we blame and we blame. We blame because we want the pointless, never-ending violence to stop. We blame because we believe that all our politicians, diplomats, thinkers and soldiers should be able to find a way to stop this stupid, pointless violence. We have spent 60 years since the founding of Israel looking for a solution and not having found it we instead take comfort in sweeping generalizations that allow us to place the blame for our failure: Muslims are all corrupt, rabid terrorists who hate democracy, freedom and are dedicated to driving every last Jew into the sea; Israelis are all racist, rabid Zionists dedicated to driving every last Palestinian into exile and stealing their land.

Sure these two statements are extreme, but at their heart they are what our excuses amount to for the ongoing failure of all the peace talks, peace conferences, diplomatic missions etc. The only difference being whether you are pro-Israeli or pro-Palestinian, your bent generally determining who you blame. I’ve studied the conflict at university and have seen this attitude in the corridors of academia first hand. You see it every day in the newspapers and on TV, and I can't even begin to cover the range of diatribes –– foul and reasoned –– that fester on the internet.

Reasonable people, and we are the majority, find it an almost impossible situation to deal with. Both sides have good arguments, both sides have committed gross atrocities, both sides are mostly composed of good people who want quiet lives, both sides have monsters, and both sides seem to be unable to find a formula to allow them to live side by side.

With every serious diplomatic attempt at a solution –– most recently the 1993 Oslo Talks that culminated in the failed talks under President Clinton at Camp David in 2000 –– each side find good reasons to walk away. You may not agree with Arafat’s decision to abandon the 2000 talks –– the man was one unpleasant bastard –– but it is hard to fault his complaints about the right of return, the limits placed on the supposed Palestinian state or the geographic constraints Ehud Barak was insistent on. It is also hard to fault Israel’s concerns about terrorism, future security threats and the Palestinian right of return. It is also true that both sides could truthfully claim that the other side made too much out of their concerns. Possibly it is even true that one party or the other was deliberately looking to cause the talks to fail. There is always a good reason, always some truth amongst the lies and propaganda, always an excuse for the extremists on both sides to make sure everyone goes back to the fighting.

So here we are, after almost a century of violence, no further towards a solution; Israelis and Palestinians killing each other in job lots again –– the same tired arguments of moral equivalence and moral superiority being aired by the same tired protagonists and their cheer squads. Do I have a solution? Hell no, but I am getting tired of the constant belief that there is a solution. We have one country –– and a small country at that, about the size of New Jersey not counting the Occupied Territories –– and two peoples who claim that it is theirs. Maybe it is time we just accepted that there is no peaceful solution to be found? We can’t have Israel and Palestine –– we can have only one or the other –– so leave it to the historians to argue over whose fault it was and let them just fight it out once and for all.

What would this mean? Well it would mean hell on earth for the Palestinians as they would find themselves ethnically cleansed into Jordan. So bad for Jordan to then. How would the rest of the Arab world react? Not with direct violence –– Israel’s conventional military superiority would squash the rest of the Middle East like a bug –– however it would possibly see the overthrow of the Egyptian regime and possibly other pro-western governments in the region. It would likely see a new oil embargo, and in the present economic climate wouldn't that be a very bad thing? It would certainly see a huge upswing in Islamic terrorism worldwide and especially in Iraq and Afghanistan, which would be a very very bad thing for those poor bastards who are deployed there right now. A litany of other bad things that would ensue keep occurring to me like the flashbacks of a nightmare caused by a very bad acid trip.

Crap! So I have to care. I hate that. I hate having to care what these maniacs do to each other. I hate that I can’t do anything to stop them going at each other like the main event at the CFC. If the Israelis and Palestinians are caught in a cage fight, we are all tapped in there with them. If we can’t work out how to stop them fighting then we are going to continue to get splattered by the media coverage, by the political and emotional fallout and by all the maniacs on both sides, and in their cheer squads like Al Quada, Iran, and Neocons etc., who will keep trying to pull the rest of the world into the fighting.

There is no end. The end.

Obama is going with tax cuts. Well, that didn’t take long. Obama’s already working his compromise promise –– except right now compromise on the economy could send us spiraling into a depression, if we aren’t already there. Remember all those tax cuts under Bush? Didn’t everything turn out awesome? Did you spend, spend, spend your six hundred dollars last year? Cram that shit back into the economy and get it rolling again? How did that go? Now Obama’s going to compromise on his stimulus package and instead of spending 100% on infrastructure, he’s going to give 40% back in tax cuts. That leaves 60% for infrastructure. Fail.

I know, Obama promised we’d get tax cuts. And that’s fine –– just not at the expense of public investment stimulus plan. We need to stop the hemorrhaging of jobs now. Actually, yesterday. We need to invest in our infrastructure immediately. Compromising with the ideologically driven Republicans who got us into this mess is not the way to go. Compromising to the tune of 40% is just plain moronic.

We are sitting on the edge of a cliff right now. We need to go with what will give us the biggest bang for our buck and it turns out infrastructure spending is top o’the list.



Hey, look at that. Oh, and that chart was created by Mark Zandi, a Republican.

Obama wants to get 80 Senators on board for his stimulus plan. 80. That’s beyond compromise, especially when you control the Senate by a wide margin. This is half-assed leadership. This is weak leadership. This is not impressive.

Well, thank God. I mean, they got us here, so let’s keep doing what they want. This 40% plan is BEFORE Obama has worked with the Republicans. He is going in offering 40%. Has anyone seen the Republicans operate over the past 20 years? Anyone? Usually one would start out low and negotiate from there. I expect this to end up with around 99% tax cuts, based on Democratic spinelessness. It’s exactly what we can’t afford right now.

So, that’s not good. Not good at all. We need jobs. Tax cuts to businesses trying to survive aren’t going to produce jobs. It may keep some more people employed, but it won’t create new jobs. Not in this economy. Giving businesses money to rebuild the infrastructure would create new jobs. But, no, let’s go with more discredited, obviously wrong, eternally failing, supply side economics.

The Bush economy, with these types of tax cuts created a 26% increase in Americans living in “extreme poverty.”

Twenty-six fucking percent. So, by all means, more of the same.

Giving money to people without pricing power is useless. The middle class and upper class are holding onto their money right now. They will do the same with the bullshit $500 dollar check they get. But they are only $140 million of the tax cut, the rest goes to businesses. Businesses aren’t going to create new jobs if there isn’t any demand for their fucking products. What retard actually believes that is going to happen?

Anyone notice what went down when we gave billions to the banking industry over the past few months? They laid people off and bought up competitors –– then laid off those employees. Wow, what an enormous success.

God forbid we actually use the stimulus money to rebuild our country. Hey, how about we increase our Internet speeds so we aren’t 10 times slower than everyone else in the world? How about some high-speed trains? How about more subways and light rails in cities? Anyone notice traffic is bad? That kind of effects business a bit. How about we do something about the nations electrical grid? Our country needs a massive overhaul and now is the time to do it. And guess what? We can actually put people back to work at the same time.

Or we can just hand people a check and keep doing exactly what we did to get us here. We can ignore the fact that our economy hasn’t been working for quite some time for the vast majority of Americans. We can ignore the fact that the FIRE economy is pretty much a massive failure and avoid the inevitable: A complete and total restructuring of our economy. We can keep giving away tax cuts, so people will spend money the same way they have been and keep going down this dark road of doom.

We’ve basically tax cutted ourselves into a depression, so why stop now. We’re not getting any return on our tax cuts and haven’t been for quite some time. Obama calling for 40% of his stimulus plan is a disaster.

The new boss is giving in to the pathetic old boss.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.