He's a lumberjack and it's OK,
Seems anyone can run for office – as long as they're not gay!
If you think the election's not quite silly enough yet, sign up and show your support for Michael Palin's presidential candidacy, and get a free fuzzy thing.
Few of us were fortunate enough to escape the bizarre ape-shittery that was the Republican uproar over Barack Obama's former minister's comments regarding America. Even if Obama has distanced himself from the Reverend Wright, conservatives said, how could he have ever attended his church to begin with if he didn't share those beliefs?
Well Republicans, prepare to be tongue-tied with all your backpedaling. It seems that anti-female female Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's former pastor (whose name is actually Tim McGraw) has some interesting views of his own.
Among them:
"faith healing" and the "end times" -- a violent upheaval that they believe will deliver Jesus Christ's second coming.
"Our basic belief is that God is God and he knows where history is going and he has a purposeful plan and within the middle of that plan we live in an environment in our world where certain events would take place," says McGraw. "Sarah wasn't taught to look for one particular sign -- a cataclysmic sign. She knew as every Christian does ... that God is sovereign and he is in control."
Okay, nothing too out of the ordinary there. Oh, wait, there's more from another one of her former preachers:
Senior Pastor Ed Kalnin, from Wasilla Assembly of God once said those who voted for John Kerry for president in 2004 would not go to heaven. The church has since said he was joking about those voters going to hell and has apologized. That same pastor also said that Alaska will be a refuge for the “end days”..that Alaska will serve as a shelter for Christians at the end of the world. Pastor Kalnin said “God is going to basically reserve (Alaska) for the place of refuge because the earth is groaning for the return of God. “
Couldn't God have chosen a warmer climate? Say, Hawaii?
Oh yeah, the church also talks in tongues:
Palin's former pastor, Tim McGraw, says that like many Pentecostal churches, some members speak in tongues, although he says he's never seen Palin do so. Church member Caroline Spangler told CNN, "When the spirit comes on you, you utter things that nobody else can understand ... only God can understand what is coming out of our mouths."
Well... hey, at least she's multi-lingual! All right, but still, she left that church in 2002...
But the Assembly of God says she still returns for special conferences and events, such as the graduation of ministry students in June. Video of a speech she gave at the church just two months before joining the Republican ticket is making the rounds on the Internet.
Speaking of the troops in Iraq, Palin says on the video, ""Pray for our military men and women who are striving do to what is right. Also for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending them out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for -- that there is a plan, and that plan is God's plan."
Maybe it's just me, but the God I believe in sure as hell wouldn't have fucked up in Iraq this badly. And, to be fair, the church she joined in 2002 isn't exactly an improvement.
Palin now attends the Wasilla Bible Church. She was there on August 17, just days before entering the national spotlight. David Brickner, the founder of Jews for Jesus, was a speaker. He told congregants that terrorist attacks on Israel were God's "judgment" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity. Brickner said, "Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. When a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment -- you can't miss it."
The McCain campaign says his comments do not reflect her religious views. Palin's spokeswoman says she is pro-Israel.
So, just for the record, this is the storyline: Obama believes what his reverend (whom he has disavowed) said, but Palin doesn't believe what her current pastor says. Stick to the script, you sinful bastards, and we'll be fine.
John McCain and his followers are stroking themselves daily because “he was right” about the surge. See, according to the right wing distorters, the surge worked. All is well. Victory is at hand. Because of John McCain, the insurgents are on the run and beaten down. It is, quite simply, a load of bullshit. Much like they changed their reasons for invading Iraq after the invasion, they have changed the reasons for the surge.
“There was someone who believed we could win in Iraq and anticipated the success additional men and women in uniform would have, John McCain,” said Danny Diaz, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee. “Obama is on the wrong side of history and left to his own devices, America would have lost a war, retreated from the enemy, and ceded Iraq to the terrorists.”
At this point, even Barack Obama is jumping on board and claiming the surge has been successful. He has to, because the situation is too complex for sound bites – and that’s how the Republicans win, with sound bites. Last week, Obama went on The O’Reilly Factor and went face to face with the loudest, simplest man in America. Unable to have a complex argument with a man full of overbearing nonsense, Obama had to break it down into terms a 3-year-old could understand.
“I think that there’s no doubt that the violence is down,” Obama said. “I think that the surge has succeeded in ways that nobody anticipated — by the way, including President Bush and the other supporters. It has gone very well partly because of the Anbar Awakening.”
Obama continued: “The president wanted to double down and continue an open-ended policy that did not create the kinds of pressure on the Iraqis to take responsibility… Look, I’ve already said it succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.”
Obama got a bit of the truth in there. The Anbar Awakening is a large factor in the drop in violence because we are paying them, our past enemies, $30 million a month to not attack US troops. It’s as simple as that. And it’s a policy without a future. It is the definition of a temporary and stupid policy. Pure politics, with the fate of thousands, possibly millions at risk.
Obama also mentioned that there have been no political advancements – which was the entire point of the surge. But that’s not what people wrote about, or focused on. Nope. Obama said the surge “succeeded.” Great news for simpletons. The guys who used to kill us are being paid not to kill us, but you’re supposed to believe the surge worked.
In fact, Iraq is now in a more perilous situation than ever, because no political solution has been reached. The Anbar Awakening has succeeded in stopping the killing – for now. What we actually have done is given the Sunnis millions of dollars, which they have spent on weapons in preparation for the coming battle. And now, the Iraqi government is going to start cracking down on The Awakening. How do you think that is going to go?
The Bush Administration has been pressuring the Maliki government to integrate the Sunnis into the Iraqi security forces, but Maliki will not. But it goes beyond that. They are just waiting to kill each other.
Jalal al Din al Saghir, a member of Iraq's parliament and the Shia bloc stated that, "The State can not accept the men of the Awakening; their days are coming to an end." While, Brigadier Nasser al Haiti, the commander of Al Muthanna brigade in the Iraqi army, goes further in describing the Awakening Council's members as a, "cancer", and that they must be "uprooted."
There are 100,000 members of the Awakening and the Saudis, who have a bit of money laying around, also financially back them. Good luck getting rid of that “cancer.” But don’t forget, the surge worked!
Here’s a question: Whom does the US support if this becomes a full-blown civil war? The Awakening, which it has cultivated, or the Iraqi government, which it has cultivated? We are supporting both sides. If we support Maliki, the Awakening will start killing our soldiers – who they have come to understand very well during this period of cooperation.
And let’s not forget about the Sadr militia. Remember several months ago, when Iraq suddenly started to boil again? Fighting was occurring in Baghdad and Basra? Well, that was Muqtada al-Sadr and after he agreed to a cease-fire, the surge suddenly worked again.
Among several factors leading to the reduced violence, Petraeus pointed to what he called the decision by "a majority . . . of the militia" associated with Sadr to honor a cease-fire.
At this point, the Sadrists are reorganizing and preparing for the inevitable battle against both the Awakening and Maliki’s government. Oh, and the US.
Can it be worse? Oh, fuck yes. Now the Iraqi government is facing off with the Kurds.
Iraqi troops and Kurdish peshmerga forces are bracing for conflict in the disputed city of Khanaqin in the most serious threat of clashes between Arabs and Kurds since the fall of Saddam Hussein.
The Iraqi army still wants to enter, and the peshmerga is present,” said Ibrahim Bajelani, a Kurd who heads the provincial council. “Everyone is on edge. If the Iraqi army tries to enter without prior agreement, we can’t be held responsible for the consequences.”
Here’s the deal. The Kurds, the Sunnis and the Sadrists are more than willing to wait until the US leaves. Right now, it is in their best interest to wait it out. The opposite is true for Maliki. He needs US forces to do his dirty work and he expects us to get involved when the fighting starts. That’s why he is stirring up shit with every group in Iraq. He already failed in his battle with Sadr, so he is turning his attention to the Sunnis and the Kurds.
McCain would like you to believe the surge has been wildly successful, even though he also predicted it would fail.
I am very nervous about this new strategy. I am very doubtful that we have enough troops. I don't know if the Maliki government will be strong enough. But if General Casey is appointed to this position, my confidence will be lowered because it is not appropriate to put someone who does not support wholeheartedly the new strategy in a position where he will be responsible for a great deal of it.
What up, hedge better? McCain backed the surge but also claimed if the guy who was obviously going to be approved as Army Chief as Staff was approved, it would be a failure. But, hey, he predicted that the Maliki government wouldn’t be strong enough – and it hasn’t been. It’s been a dismal failure. Yet, McCain also has recently claimed the surge allowed Awakening to work. That is, quite simply, a lie. The Awakening began long before the surge began.
The Awakening began in Anbar Province more than a year before the surge and took off in the summer and fall of 2006 in Ramadi and elsewhere, long before extra U.S. forces started flowing into Iraq in February and March of 2007. Throughout the war, enemy-of-my-enemy logic has driven Sunni decision-making. The Sunnis have seen three "occupiers" as threats: the United States, the Shiites (and their presumed Iranian patrons), and the foreigners and extremists in AQI. Crucial to the Awakening was the reordering of these threats.
I guess the surge would have allowed for the Awakening to take root, if it weren’t for recorded history. But we have newspapers and stuff, so we can say for sure he is a lying sack of shit. Even General Pateaus agrees.
Petraeus is careful not to credit all the progress to the surge of U.S. troops in 2007. The sea change came last year from a series of movements now known as the Awakening…. So would the Sunni Awakening have succeeded without the surge? Possibly, he concedes.
The Surge is a massive failure. Sure, it stopped the violence now, but no political progress was made – and that was the objective. No agreements between these opposing factions were made. They are only waiting it out, gathering weapons and getting training. Preparing for the big battle. The only question is whether or not we stick around and get stuck in a long, long civil war. And it looks more and more like we’ll be sticking around.
Get ready for a draft, kiddies.
Too bad Americans are so stupid or else Obama might be able to explain this, instead of having to agree that the surge has been successful.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
The 14 October federal election has only been announced for one day, but incidents of flying insults, accusations, and uses of the word "illegal" have already quadrupled. The Conservatives are worried. To their credit, they're recognized that they should be -- Prime Minister Stephen Harper began his election campaign with a sign saying "Yes, I'm breaking my own law, but let's not talk about that, so look what a great family man I am!"
If you're not sure of the details, here's how it went down. In May 2006, Harper passed his law establishing a fixed election date in Canada, set for October 2009. On Sunday, after weeks of Canadians wondering when he'd get around to it, Harper formally asked the Governor General to dissolve Parliament and call an election. In other words, he broke his own law. But because Canada is part of the Commonweatlh of Nations, we are subjects of Queen Elizabeth II (in formal tradition-keeping only), and Her Majesty's Canadian representative -- the Governor General -- did as Harper asked.
In the simplest terms? Harper used the Queen of England as a loophole to become, in a sense, "above the law."
With every federal election in Canada comes the much-loved Leaders' Catfight -- oops, I mean Debate. Until now, this debate has been closed to the Green Party and leader Elizabeth May, as the other four party leaders formed a pack mentality advocating the belief that since the Greens had no elected MP, they didn't belong in the Leaders' Debate. Nope, being a Leader is not enough, because the debate is really secretly called the We're Elected And You're Not Nah-Nah Debate. (It's just too damn long to say all the time, so they shortened it to "Leaders" upon reviewing the effectiveness of the schoolyard chants.)
The Green Party is entering this election with one Member of Parliament, thus meeting all requirements for the Leaders' Deabte. And yet they're still shut out. Three of the other four major parties have ganged up to show an impressive amount of schoolyard strategy, refusing to show up for the debate if Elizabeth May is allowed to participate.
Logic doesn't apply here. Other party leaders are terrified of May, a woman -- and a party -- they used to dismiss as "single-issue" and treat as the (so perceived by them) annoying little sister who always wants to play. While the older parties were busying ignoring, Elizabeth May quietly built strong foundations and a reputation as "Canada's Obama" in oration.
May doesn't use a teleprompter. She doesn't use cue cards. She just speaks, and everybody listens. I guess the new motto of the Canadian government old boys' club is, "If you can't beat 'em, mistreat 'em."
This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.
There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.
“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?
“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.
Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.
Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.
Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.
Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.
If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.
The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.
They were said to have been abducted at gunpoint by six men, forced into a vehicle and taken to a remote field, where they were beaten, shot and then buried alive.
That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!
A Pakistani lawmaker defended a decision by southwestern tribesmen to bury five women alive because they wanted to choose their own husbands, telling stunned members of Parliament this week to spare him their outrage.
"These are centuries-old traditions and I will continue to defend them," Israr Ullah Zehri, who represents Baluchistan province, said Saturday. "Only those who indulge in immoral acts should be afraid."
Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.
Zehri told a packed and flabbergasted Parliament on Friday that Baluch tribal traditions helped stop obscenity and then asked fellow lawmakers not to make a big fuss about it.
A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.
Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.
All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.
2. Hope and pray for McCain/Palin to win.
3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and pray specific imprecatory prayers if he fails to pro-actively defend the sanctity of human life.
“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.
Psalm 35:5 - May they be like chaff before the wind.
Psalm 55:15 - Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave.
Psalm 58:6 - O God, break the teeth in their mouths.
Psalm 69:28 - May they be blotted out of the book of life and not be listed with the righteous.
Psalm 109:9 - May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
Psalm 137:9 - How blessed will be the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.
I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.
Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.
McCain's VP choice, Sarah Palin, suddenly made me want to vote for him, as long as the LORD smites him while he's in office.
Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.
The only thing that worries me is if I will be drawn into temptation to masturbate and fornicate by her charming, stunning looks.
The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.
For those of you that doubt her good looks, you may venture here if you so dare. (The LORD is making my computer fail to copy an image of her for usage on this website, so this must mean something. If you aren’t married, do NOT follow that link!) However, I think that working to ban pornography, including obscene images of Mrs. Palin, should ensure that I do not fall for the lies of false erections.
Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.
Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.
No, actually, not a coincidence.
co·inci·dence (kō in′sə dəns)
1. An accidental and remarkable occurrence of events or ideas at the same time, suggesting but lacking a causal relationship.
The definition you are looking for is this:
Asshole Fuckface.
ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl ˈfək fās
A stupid, incompetent, or detestable person who to causes others to experience anger, contempt, or disgust.
Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.
Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.
"Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr. Obama, Sen. Obama, they're a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they're uppity," Westmoreland said.
At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.
Asked to clarify that he used the word “uppity,” Westmoreland said, “Uppity, yeah.”
Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?
Westmoreland said he didn’t know that “uppity” was commonly used as a derogatory term for blacks seeking equal treatment. Instead, he referred to the dictionary definition of the word as describing someone who is haughty, snobbish or has inflated self-esteem.
“He stands by that characterization and thinks it accurately describes the Democratic nominee,” said Brian Robinson, Westmoreland’s spokesman. “He was unaware that the word had racial overtones and he had absolutely no intention of using a word that can be considered offensive.”
Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.
Westmoreland led opposition to renewing the 1965 Voting Rights Act. He also was one of two House members last year who opposed giving the Justice Department more money to crack unsolved civil rights killings.
How's your hood?
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.
There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.
“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?
“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.
Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.
Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.
Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.
Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.
If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.
The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.
They were said to have been abducted at gunpoint by six men, forced into a vehicle and taken to a remote field, where they were beaten, shot and then buried alive.
That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!
A Pakistani lawmaker defended a decision by southwestern tribesmen to bury five women alive because they wanted to choose their own husbands, telling stunned members of Parliament this week to spare him their outrage.
"These are centuries-old traditions and I will continue to defend them," Israr Ullah Zehri, who represents Baluchistan province, said Saturday. "Only those who indulge in immoral acts should be afraid."
Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.
Zehri told a packed and flabbergasted Parliament on Friday that Baluch tribal traditions helped stop obscenity and then asked fellow lawmakers not to make a big fuss about it.
A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.
Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.
All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.
2. Hope and pray for McCain/Palin to win.
3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and pray specific imprecatory prayers if he fails to pro-actively defend the sanctity of human life.
“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.
Psalm 35:5 - May they be like chaff before the wind.
Psalm 55:15 - Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave.
Psalm 58:6 - O God, break the teeth in their mouths.
Psalm 69:28 - May they be blotted out of the book of life and not be listed with the righteous.
Psalm 109:9 - May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow.
Psalm 137:9 - How blessed will be the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.
I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.
Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.
McCain's VP choice, Sarah Palin, suddenly made me want to vote for him, as long as the LORD smites him while he's in office.
Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.
The only thing that worries me is if I will be drawn into temptation to masturbate and fornicate by her charming, stunning looks.
The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.
For those of you that doubt her good looks, you may venture here if you so dare. (The LORD is making my computer fail to copy an image of her for usage on this website, so this must mean something. If you aren’t married, do NOT follow that link!) However, I think that working to ban pornography, including obscene images of Mrs. Palin, should ensure that I do not fall for the lies of false erections.
Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.
Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.
No, actually, not a coincidence.
co·inci·dence (kō in′sə dəns)
1. An accidental and remarkable occurrence of events or ideas at the same time, suggesting but lacking a causal relationship.
The definition you are looking for is this:
Asshole Fuckface.
ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl ˈfək fās
A stupid, incompetent, or detestable person who to causes others to experience anger, contempt, or disgust.
Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.
Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.
"Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr. Obama, Sen. Obama, they're a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they're uppity," Westmoreland said.
At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.
Asked to clarify that he used the word “uppity,” Westmoreland said, “Uppity, yeah.”
Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?
Westmoreland said he didn’t know that “uppity” was commonly used as a derogatory term for blacks seeking equal treatment. Instead, he referred to the dictionary definition of the word as describing someone who is haughty, snobbish or has inflated self-esteem.
“He stands by that characterization and thinks it accurately describes the Democratic nominee,” said Brian Robinson, Westmoreland’s spokesman. “He was unaware that the word had racial overtones and he had absolutely no intention of using a word that can be considered offensive.”
Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.
Westmoreland led opposition to renewing the 1965 Voting Rights Act. He also was one of two House members last year who opposed giving the Justice Department more money to crack unsolved civil rights killings.
How's your hood?
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
In an attempt to defeat the evil empire in the 2004 election, Michael Moore went out on the road to rally the unrousable, recruiting an army of rookie activists from the nation’s under-tapped slacker population. Offering incentives such as free Ramen Noodles and college scholarships, Moore hoped that legions of dedicated college layabouts would rise up and vote the right (well left) way.
Well, we all know how well that turned out. Let’s hope Moore has more luck come November 2008.
To this end, the Sicko filmmaker is making his latest film, which documents his 2004 Slacker Uprising campaign, available as a free download for three weeks starting September 23. The flick features overachieving (or are they failed?) slackers R.E.M., Tom Morello, Eddie Vedder and Roseanne.
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For a man who spent five years in a POW prison, McCain sure is a relentless pussy. He’s having a big boo hoo party over America’s questioning of his moronic VP pick, Sarah Palin. Apparently, if you pick on poor, little Sarah, you are being a sexist. Never mind that she is supremely unqualified to be president of the United States, any criticism is all about her having a vagina.
The mighty Republican Party, longtime defenders of women’s rights, are now hitting the airwaves claiming the only reason people are attacking Sarah Palin is because she is a woman. Please ignore the Troopergate scandal, the fact that she is married to a traitor and was at one time a traitor herself, lied about visiting Ireland, didn’t travel out of the country until two years ago, belongs to an insanely backwards church, thinks 11-year-olds who were raped by their father should be forced to give birth, used government money to fund a “cure gays” organization, tried to ban books, abused her power by firing people who opposed her views or divorced her sister, believes Iraq is a war being fought for God, and has a preacher who claimed voting for John Kerry would send you to hell. None of those things are relevant for baby time McCain. If you criticize Sarah Palin, it’s because she’s a woman with a pregnant daughter.
See, the pregnant daughter situation is off limits. You can tell that from this video of John McCain greeting the father and mother of the fetus in Minnesota.
That’s what one does when they want such a private situation to stay private; they bring reporters to take photos of the guy who shot his goo into the 17-year-old girl. Also, when one doesn’t want anyone to talk about the pregnancy situation, they come out to the media and break the story of their own daughter’s unwed pregnancy. Parading said couple around at the Republican National Convention? Totally cool. After all, it is a private situation. That’s why the soon-to-be husband of the 17-year-old daughter has been hastily flown in to be paraded around– because they need their privacy. Remember, if you bring this up, you are being sexist.
See, playing the “gender card” is totally cool, as opposed to when Obama supporters claimed McCain was playing the “race card” after he created ads that had obvious racial overtones. That was different. I guess because Obama has a penis and black skin, while Palin has a vagina and white skin. If anybody dared say that McCain’s ads were racist, he and his people screamed that Obama was playing the “race card.” It was soooo offensive. But now, when anyone dares to question Palin’s obvious lack of qualifications and bizarre beliefs, they are sexist. McCain is a weak, clownish pussy who can’t stand up and take any sort of heat.
But the most amusing part of this story is that Obama has gone out of his way to say “families are off limits.” Most Democrats are avoiding the topic of her pregnancy and trying to talk about the multitude of other problems with Palin. She’s a walking disaster, so it’s not difficult. But whenever someone brings up just one of the multitude of problems with Palin, the McCain camp screams like children that Democrats and the “liberal media” are attacking Palin’s “private life” because she is “a woman.” It’s laughable and quite sickening. The Republicans are using a 17-year-old girls horrible situation for their own political advantage. They are now driving the story of the girl’s pregnancy, using her as bait and creating a victim story of their own making.
Let's be clear about what's happening here. Overwhelmingly, reporters are pressing eminently reasonable questions -- her role in Troopergate, her lack of experience, her connections to the AIP, her history of earmarking and lobbyists, etc. Meanwhile, the McCain campaign is going absolutely non-stop about Palin's daughter. It is unmistakable.
The victim here is a young unwed couple who were outed by Republicans and are now being used in the biggest game on Earth. McCain and his people are complete and total scum.
And insane hypocrites. Right-wingers jumped out of their panties when Jamie Lynn Spears announced she was pregnant. That was a glaring example of our societies decay, but Bristol Palin’s pregnancy is a celebration of the pro-life cause and should not be discussed for any reason. Certainly not because her mother is using her as a pawn as she attempts to win the vice presidency.
John McCain is a coward. Real men stand up and defend the choices they have made; they don’t make excuses and use children in horrible situations as pawns to fulfill their ambitious desires. Real men also don’t play the gender card and make claims that certain topics should be off limits, when they are guilty of far worse behavior.
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." - John McCain, 1998.
See, that’s sexism, McCain. Attacking a teenage girl for her looks. What a fucking coward. Oh, and real men don’t make jokes about women loving rape.
He’s a scumbag, pure and simple. And he’s weak. Weak for allowing the religious lunatics of his party to make his vice presidential choice for him.
Only last month, friends say, Mr. McCain wanted to reach beyond his base and ask Mr. Lieberman to be his running mate; in that instance, though, party influence proved too strong, with many Republican officials and delegates insisting they would reject Mr. Lieberman because of his support for abortion rights and some gay rights laws.
Bending over for those he used to fight against.
The members of the Council for National Policy are the hidden hand behind McCain's Palin pick. With her selection, the Republican nominee is suddenly -- and unexpectedly -- assured of the support of a movement that once opposed his candidacy with all its might.
But I guess that’s why he spent five years in a POW camp, suffering inhumanly for five years, so someday he could run for president and not stand by his convictions. Any real man who goes through a horrifying experience comes to understand that life is about not doing what you feel is right and allowing others to make your most important decisions. It's true. Torture apparently just makes one a groveling bitch for the religious right. At this point, I am more disgusted by McCain because he was a POW. What man doesn’t walk away from something like that with some personal conviction? What man doesn’t walk away from 5 years of torture and say, “I’m going to live my life the way I want.” A man like John McCain, I guess. Full of ambition and weak to the core.
There’s your teenage-girl attacking, rape joke making, using teenage girls as a pawn war hero. Feel the pride, Republicans.
I should also ad that I was not going to vote for McCain or Obama, but McCain's choice of Palin as VP has forced me to rethink that decision. I will now reluctantly cast my vote for Obama. She is that frightening of a human being. Palin is a religious lunatic of the highest caliber. I see no difference between the Taliban and Neanderthals like Palin.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper, and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Yes, I wrote that headline. Mostly because it’s true. In the most cynical Vice Presidential choice I have ever seen, McCain picked a woman, simply because she is a woman. In doing so, he overlooked many other conservative women who are far more qualified to be Vice President. McCain chose Sarah Palin because she’s attractive and she hates abortion. I honestly can’t think of another reason to select this walking disaster of a choice.
McCain is obviously going for the disgruntled Hillary voters. Picking Palin will possibly earn him precious few Hillary voters, while turning off millions of independents. Palin's inexperience is astounding, unless you count her awesome time in as city council member and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The town had a massive population of 7,738 people. She ran for governor in 2006 and won, mostly because Alaska is a backwards land full of idiots. Palin has been governor for less than two years – and now John McCain has selected her to be vice president of the United States. Considering McCain is so old he could die at any moment, this is a stunningly pathetic choice for vice president. Let’s just look at the past 36 hours.
It was discovered that Palin lied on Friday when she claimed to have opposed Alaska’s famous “bridge to nowhere.”
I told Congress, 'Thanks, but no thanks,' on that bridge to nowhere," Palin said Friday in Ohio, using the critics' dismissive name of the project. "'If our state wanted a bridge,' I said, 'we'd build it ourselves.'"
While running for governor in 2006, though, Palin backed federal funding for the infamous bridge, which McCain helped make a symbol of pork barrel excess.
We also learned Palin was a member of an Alaskan secessionist group in the early '90s and apparently still thinks it’s a great idea to stay connected. Here she is addressing the Alaskan Independence Party's 2008 convention.
What does the Alaskan Independence Party want? The same things any crazy lunatic wants.
The Alaskan Independence Party's goal is the vote we were entitled to in 1958, one choice from among the following four alternatives:
1) Remain a Territory.
2) Become a separate and Independent Nation.
3) Accept Commonwealth status.
4) Become a State.
Oh, good. Worthwhile effort.
Also, Palin admitted yesterday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.
The Palins, in a statement released by the McCain campaign, said Bristol "came to us with news that we as parents knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned"
Yes, she will grow up faster than ever planned, especially because you just agreed to be John McCain’s running mate, putting your daughter and her pregnancy in the nation’s spotlight. You are a genuine and caring woman for putting your child in front of a bloodthirsty American media. Wonderful values you have there.
Palin had told McCain's team about the pregnancy during lengthy discussions about her background, aides said. At several points, McCain's team warned Palin that the scrutiny into her private life would be intense.
By all means, throw the kid to the sharks. That’s what a good Christian does. Ambition first, kids second. Oh, and this news probably won’t help the abstinence only cause.
And bestest of all, Sarah Palin just hired a lawyer because she is about to be deposed by a special investigator.
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the GOP vice presidential candidate, has hired a private practice attorney to defend her in the investigation into the firing of her public safety commissioner.
The Legislature is investigating whether Palin fired public safety commissioner Walt Monegan after he refused to fire a state trooper who had divorced Palin's sister.
The special investigator’s report is due on October 31st. That makes some fantastic timing for the election. Genius move on McCain’s part. Even if it clears her, you can be sure someone will pull something out of the report that reflects poorly on Palin. That’s how it always goes.
More than anything, this is insulting to the women who supported Hillary Clinton. McCain actually believes women will vote for him, just because he picked someone with a vagina as his running mate, even though she has the opposite political views of Hillary on every issue.
He's got someone who believes abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape or incest or to save the life of the mother.
He's got someone who, in defiance of science, doesn't believe global warming is man-made.
He's got someone who, in defiance of science, wants creationism taught in schools.
He's got someone who wants to further increase the health-care burden on the patient.
He's got someone who wants to ban all stem-cell research.
How could a Hillary supporter not climb aboad that train?
Palin is also a religious fanatic who was selected by a "cabal" of other religious fanatics.
Last week, while the media focused almost obsessively on the DNC's spectacle in Denver, the country's most influential conservatives met quietly at a hotel in downtown Minneapolis to get to know Sarah Palin. The assembled were members of the Council for National Policy, an ultra-secretive cabal that networks wealthy right-wing donors together with top conservative operatives to plan long-term movement strategy.
CNP members have included Tony Perkins, James Dobson, Grover Norquist, Tim LaHaye and Paul Weyrich….This year, thanks to Sarah Palin's selection, the movement may have finally aligned itself behind the campaign of John McCain.
Yes, and she is just what Hillary supporters want in a female candidate.
As one McCain aide put it: "We either get Hillary's voters and we win, or we don't. It's not a mystery." Said another: "This campaign is all about the middle."
FAIL.
The first national polls on John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin yesterday came out today from Rasmussen and Gallup -- and contrary to what the GOP probably hoped, she scored less well with women than men.
Women soundly rejected her, 48% to 25%.
McCain is treating women like they don't have brains and he will be punished because of it. He could have picked from a number of conservative women, who would have at least appeared to have earned the selection with their accomplishments. Women like, Kathryn Ann Bailey Hutchison, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, Olympia Snowe, Christine Todd Whitman, M. Jodi Rell and Condoleezza Rice all would have made it appear as if McCain was not just looking for someone with a vagina. And nearly every one of those women are far less scandal-plagued. Up until this point I thought McCain would win the election, but I now think he will be crushed, which means I will owe Subrosa a six pack. That is very disappointing.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his nonsense and see a picture of Sarah Palin with her young child standing over a dead animal on his blog, Stop All Monsters.
I’m not exactly a fan of traditional beauty pageants, but the upside is they’re supposed to provide a steady legion of Stepford women who are supposed to enjoy travel and looking after animals and children. John McTainted’s newly announced vice-presidential running mate Sarah Palin is the exception to this rule. Palin won the Miss Wasilla title in 1984 and placed second in the Miss Alaska competition, but she’s no ordinary beauty queen.
There’s no doubt Palin loves kids (in a soap opera-worthy plot twist a recent DailyKos blog post even alleges she claimed her 16-year old daughter’s child as her own), but she perhaps takes it a little far; The pro-lifer even opposes abortion in the case of rape and incest.
Her personal experience beyond U.S. borders is also seriously lacking; The flat-earther (she supports teaching Creationism alongside evolution in schools) got her first passport in 2007, and has traveled to a grand total of three countries outside the United States (Germany, Ireland and Kuwait).
As for her attitude towards animals –– just ask a polar bear –– she’s their public enemy number one. In May of this year, Palin vowed to fight the Bush administration’s decision to place the great white beasts on the endangered species list since it interfered with her cronies lust for fresh Alaskan oil from beneath their soon-to-be-protected habitat. That makes Palin, who doesn’t believe that man is responsible for climate change, even less eco-friendly than George W. Bush –– quite an achievement.
If you need more reasons not to like Palin consider this: She’s a member of the NRA and enjoys hunting. She’s opposed to same sex marriage, and even fought to prevent domestic partners from receiving health benefits. She supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, strip mining, and a multitude of other activities that are guaranteed to fuck up our planet. (Doesn’t this chick know that good planets are hard to find?)
McDesperate’s heavy-handed pandering to Hillary’s disappointed legions of supporters is an insult to their intelligence and a fine example of his poor judgment under pressure. Talk about an own goal. But though McDoofus’s V.P. choice may ultimately retard his chances of election, Palin’s rather special brand of feminism may also set back the cause of women thanks to her newly elevated profile.
Polar bear image courtesy of WWF/Geoff York.
What do you do if your sixteen-year old daughter is pregnant with a baby that's going to have Down's Syndrome? Tell her to have the baby, then pretend it's yours forever. This, at least, would appear to be the only option if you're a governor who got elected on an anti-choice/abstinence-only-education platform and are currently hoping to be elected to the second-most powerful office in the world. There are reasons to suspect that Sarah Palin, Republican presidential nominee John McCain's choice for Vice-President, did just that.
Let me stress here that this is, as of right now, a rumor on the Internet. SuicideGirls news is not a credible news source, and neither are any of the other places on the internet which allege Sarah Palin's youngest son actually belongs to her daughter Bristol. So why report it? Because unless a large number of non-credible sources makes some noise on this point, no credible news source will use its expense account to send a reporter to Alaska and go through hospital records and find out whether or not it's true. So what's the evidence so far?
The strangest piece of evidence, according to (credible and pro-Palin news source) The Wall Street Journal is that she allegedly started having contractions, then, against the advice of her doctor, made a speech in Dallas, and then flew to Anchorage -- a flight that could not have taken less than six hours -- to have the baby.
"Maybe they shouldn't have let me fly, but I wasn't showing much so they didn't know," she says.
Not only did they not notice she was pregnant, but neither did anyone else during her pregnancy--at least not until she mentioned it, seven months in, according to The Anchorage Daily News.
That the pregnancy is so advanced astonished all who heard the news. The Governor, a runner who has always been trim, simply doesn't look pregnant. Even close members of her staff said they only learned this week that their boss was expecting.
There are dozens of photos of the Governor during the late stages of her pregnancy, she doesn't look especially pregnant--but it's pretty hard to say either way. I will not sully SuicideGirls with fully-clothed MIDNLF photos.
Last and possibly least, the controversial and quite possibly unreliable DailyKos -- who started the story/rumor -- reports that Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin, was reportedly out of school for four months with "mono". Mononucleosis usually lasts a month at most, though symptoms can linger for up to three months. To be fair: in the "against" category, there is the fact that the child in question has Down's Syndrome. Down's is much more likely in older women, but is nonetheless a possibility for all mothers. Most babies born with Down's are born to younger mothers, following the pattern for fertility in general.
None of this evidence is conclusive at all, but considering that the possible future Vice-President may have forced her daughter to have a child in order to further her own political carrier and anti-choice policies, this non-reporter feels this is certainly an important enough issue to encourage real reporters to check this story out some time very soon. Maybe it's all a baseless lefty rumor, but if the real press doesn't do its job, we'll never know.
Ah, Asshole Fuckfacing. It’s a glorious thing to behold, not because it’s beautiful, but because it makes you think you are a better person than you actually are. It’s like looking at dirty, angry hobos. You know you’re better than that, so enjoy. Buddha was all about hating on Asshole Fuckaces and he’s the one who actually started the list. Since that time, the list has been passed on and on. Now it is in my powerful hands and I treat it with the respect and fear it deserves. Each week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and then I present them to you, for mocking. This week is no different, so put on your raincoats because this is going to be ugly.
First up, another addition to a long list of presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.
One of the biggest failures of the Bush administration was to drop the ball on North Korea, encouraging the crazy country to create nuclear weapons. Clinton had an agreement in place that would have prevented such an occurrence. Bush blew it off and called North Korea “evil” and the rest was history. North Korea now has at least two nuclear bombs.
Talks have been ongoing between North Korea, China, Japan, Russia, the US and South Korea. There was a big breakthrough in June, when North Korea submitted an account of its nuclear facilities to the other five countries. The expectation was that the US would, in return, remove North Korea from their “terrorism sponsor list.”
The submission by North Korea of a nuclear dossier was seen by the Bush administration as one of its success stories in foreign policy
Let’s see…keep a country on a terrorism list and they keep building nuclear bombs, or take them off the list and they stop. Well, what to do? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do the thing that will keep North Korea in the nuke bomb business.
North Korea says it has stopped disabling its nuclear facilities, accusing the US of reneging on a six-party disarmament deal.
Work was suspended on 14 August, a foreign ministry spokesman told the state news agency KCNA.
"As the US side failed to keep its own side of the agreement, we cannot but take the following measures under the principle of action for action," the foreign ministry spokesman told the KCNA, according to AFP news agency.
Nicely done, Asshole Fuckfaces. Keep up the horrible work; it’s amazing to watch.
Next up, some Swiftboating Asshole Fuckfaces.
Now, we all expect the right-wing Swiftboaters to launch some horrible, horrible ads against Obama. It’s pretty much as expected as rising of the sun or fat, four time divorced, drug addict Rush Limbaugh saying something racist. And the Swiftboaters did so last week, hitting Obama with an ad linking him to William Ayers. Yawn. Unlike Kerry, Obama hit back fast and the result was pretty hilarious. The Swiftboaters aren’t in this Asshole Fuckface Roundup for the ad; they are in the Roundup because they turned into a bunch of crying little bitches.
Besides going after the ad with one of his own, Obama went to court. The Obama campaign claimed the ad was a “violation of federal campaign finance laws” and asked networks to abstain from airing it. A letter was sent to the Department of Justice asking for a criminal investigation of the Swiftboaters. The Swiftboat group in question is a listed as a 501.c, which is a tax-exempt non-profit. That means it can lobby on issues, but is only allowed to engage in an "insubstantial" amount of activity supporting or opposing political candidates.
The Ayers ad clearly seems to violate the law, so Obama went to court. Obama’s lawyer, Bob Bauer wrote the DOJ asking for an investigation...
“…of the American Issues Project; its officers and directors; and its anonymous donors, whoever they may be.”
The Obama campaign also went after stations airing the ad.
The Obama campaign plans to punish the stations that air the ad financially, an Obama aide said, organizing his supporters to target the stations that air it and their advertisers.
That’s called fighting fire with fire. The big bad Swiftboater’s response? Crying.
The American Issues Project has now struck back with a press release complaining of "a campaign of intimidation and legal threats to convince television stations and the federal government to force off the air an ad by the American Issues Project detailing the link between Sen. Obama and remorseless domestic terrorist William Ayers."
Aw, did da liberul not let you shove a broom handle up his ass? Poor little babies.
"They're going all of these routes - through threats, intimidation - to try to thwart the First Amendment here because they don't have an argument on merit," Pinkston said.
What up, irony? How you been?
Aw. Is Obama totally fucking with you? You should totally be able to lie and be horrible cunts without anyone stopping you, right? Sorry, and good luck with your Asshole Fuckfacery this election season. Can’t wait to see how much of your money you spend in court.
Next up, another right wing Asshole Fuckface can’t handle what Obama’s bringing.
But this time, I’m not referring to Barack Obama. Michelle Obama drove a man insane on Monday night. An unidentified man in Pasco, Florida, was watching Michelle Obama’s convention speech, when he couldn’t take it anymore.
The man stood outside his RV, yelling and shooting a gun into the air. When Pasco sheriff's deputies confronted him, he ran inside and wouldn't come out.
That started a six-hour standoff late Monday night between the man, whose name was not released, and authorities.
The police shot round after round of tear gas into the RV, but dude wasn’t coming out. Six ours later, at five am, the Asshole Fuckface finally came out of his RV and gave up.
The cause of his displeasure, according to Doll, was Michelle Obama's speech last night at the Democratic National Convention.
Of course. I mean, he lives in Florida in a trailer and a black woman is speaking about her husband, nominee of the Democratic Party. It’s the white trash apocalypse.
Finally, a little league in Connecticut is overflowing with Asshole Fuckfaces.
New Haven Little League officials want all their kids to grow up in an unrealistic world, in which no one else is better than them, they never get their asses handed to them and all competition is equal.
Jericho Scott is a 10-year-old kid with a 40 mph fastball. He plays in the Youth Baseball League of New Haven and has thrown 5 no-hitters. His team is 8-0. That’s fucking awesome.
Jericho's team was killing the competition when league officials told his coach on Aug. 13 to put somebody else on the mound.
Uh, what? Welcome to not sports. Way to develop a rare talent. You could be the town where the great Jericho Scott came from, instead of the town that drove away the young Jericho Scott.
The pint-sized fireballer played second base the next game on Aug. 16, but when Jericho took the mound last Wednesday, the other team forfeited rather than face his fastball.
Okay, now you just created an entire team of 10-year-old pussies. You know what you do when confronted by an awesome force kids? Give up. That’s a fantastic life lesson. Don’t ever try your best against someone better, just walk away.
Now the league wants to disband Jericho's team - a move that his manager and the other parents oppose. His dad, Leroy Scott, said he's worried about what the controversy is doing to his son. "Everybody is saying it's because of his pitching," he said. "He's thinking it's all his fault."
Oh, good. Maybe he’ll develop a horrible complex at a young age and stop pitching.
Jericho, a Yankees fan who idolizes Alex Rodriguez and dreams of one day playing in the major leagues, said he just feels "sad."
"Me and my teammates can't play baseball anymore," he said.
That’s what happens when Asshole Fuckfaces are in control, Jericho. Maybe you can grow up to be a criminal, instead.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each recieve a FearTheReaper bicycle seat. You may also read more of FearTheReaper's spew on his blog, Stop All Monsters.
While the amazing, four-day Democratic commercial goes on, I thought this would be a good time to revisit a topic that has dropped off the grid since the spring. Remember health care? Seemed to be a big topic a few months ago, but not so much now. Now we’re clearly more concerned with who’s a bigger celebrity and how many houses Old School owns.
But 45 million Americans do not have health care and 25 million more are underinsured. McCain and Obama have very different ideas on reforming health care. I’m going to break their shit down and you’re going to read it. That’s how we do.
McCain’s plan is a piece of shit created in jackass land. It does NOTHING to address the problem of uninsured Americans. NOTHING. Did I make that point strong enough? I used capital letters. That is some serious shit.
Johnny’s plan is more of the same crap that already got us into this mess. It’s all about “market forces and individually purchased insurance.” Sweet. Up until now we haven't tried "market forces and individually purchased insurance." It's so fresh!
Old School’s plan mainly focuses on….taxes. What a big surprise.
Currently, workers do not pay taxes on health insurance premiums paid by their employers. The McCain plan would eliminate this tax exclusion and use the revenue generated — projected to be $3.6 trillion over 10 years — to pay for refundable tax credits for Americans obtaining private insurance ($2,500 for individuals, $5,000 for families). Uninsured Americans could use their credits to help buy insurance coverage on the individual market, and workers with employer-sponsored insurance could use theirs to offset the cost of paying taxes on their employers’ premium contributions or to purchase coverage on their own.
Oooooo. That sounds fucking awesome. Unless, of course, you are like the millions of Americans who can’t get insurance due to your medical history, or one of the millions of Americans who have claims denied and are dropped because they had the gall to have surgery. But don’t worry about that, because McCain will solve the problems of spiraling costs with “deregulation.”
Oh, fuck yes. Please, more deregulation. It has worked out so very well in every other market over the past ten years, especially energy and housing. Old School’s plan would allow insurers to sell across state lines and people would be able to buy policies from companies in any state. Wow, that should not make even the slightest difference.
McCain also believes by making insurance more “visible,” people will seek out lower cost insurance plans. Johnny thinks if workers can see how much their employers are paying, they would go for the cheaper insurance.
Since Americans would receive a fixed credit, the expectation is that they would seek out lower-cost, less comprehensive insurance plans, fostering competition among insurers.
Yeah, good luck with that. In the end, McCain’s plan doesn’t do shit for people who can’t afford insurance. Most uninsured people would remain uninsured and the fixed tax credit would lead to a gap in affordability as health care spending increases. And the number of Americans paying higher taxes for employer insurance would go up, too. McCain’s plan would force many people to purchase higher deductible, less comprehensive insurance. Oh, and if we got rid of the tax benefits of employer sponsored insurance, some businesses would stop insuring workers. How great does that sound?
But don’t fret, because McCain has proposed a “guaranteed access plan.”
The federal government would work with states to create insurance alternatives for those unable to afford coverage on the individual market. The plan builds on the experiences of the 34 states that operate high-risk pools for residents who are deemed to be medically uninsurable.
Oh, good. The castaways. Only, McCain’s plan has no way to pay for this part. It’s quite simply, bullshit. His interstate insurance market plan would actually weaken some states regulated protections. Oh, and those “34 states” plans already have high costs and limited benefits.
McCain basically is offering very little. It’s more of the same, which is unacceptable considering the situation we currently find ourselves in. If McCain is elected, expect our health care situation to get a lot worse.
Now, Obama at least seems to be trying, though he is also a bit deluded. Barack wants to spend money. Lots and lots of money. His plan includes an employer mandate, insurance regulation and a combination of public and private insurance.
Under Obama, employers will have to offer employees insurance or pay a tax. Smaller business would not have to pay a tax.
The Obama plan would also create two new options for obtaining health insurance: a new government health plan and a national health insurance exchange that would offer a choice of private insurance options. Both would be open to persons without access to group health insurance or other public insurance, as well as to small businesses that wanted to purchase coverage for their workers. Income-related subsidies would be provided to help lower-income persons afford coverage.
Best of all, insurers would not be able to deny coverage or charge more for preexisting conditions. His new "insurance exchange" would provide a pooling system, which would increase the purchasing power of individuals. Obama believes by pooling people together, it will cut administrative expenses and increase competition. Good luck with that.
And the attempts to cut costs don’t end there. While McCain has proposed little to nothing to drop health care costs, Obama’s plan is much more thoughtful and nuanced.
Other cost-control measures include accelerated adoption of electronic medical records, promoting disease management and better coordination of long-term care, paying providers on the basis of performance and outcomes, strengthening prevention, permitting the federal government to negotiate prescription-drug prices for Medicare patients, cutting excessive payments to private health plans contracting with Medicare, and establishing an institute for comparative-effectiveness research to generate information about effective treatments.
A big criticism of Obama’s plan is that it does not mandate insurance for adults, just children. That means it would not cover all uninsured people, but Obama has stated he may move forward with mandates if his plan does not result in universal health care.
The big problem is the money. The cost control plans are not certain to work and he needs to come up with $50 to $65 billion. He says he will pay for it by ending tax cuts to families making over $250,000 a year, but that will not cover the whole enchilada. He expects to save a lot of money with his cost cutting measures explained above. If they don’t work, it’s going to cost more. And you can pretty much guarantee ther
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