Here we are again, my legion. The time has come for the latest horrifying installment of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. While there are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces than the construction workers who begin pounding away on my neighbor's duplex at 7:30 am, I still found a few for you to mock and hate. So, put on your thickest butcher apron, because this is going to be hideous.

First up, some Afghani Asshole Fuckfacism.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai signed an exciting new law this week. It’s delightfully barbaric!

So, let’s break that down. First up, you can rape your wife. Second, you can rape your nine-year-old wife. Third, you can rape your nine-year-old wife and then lock her up in the kitchen. Wow, that’s some serious progress. Thank God the Taliban is gone.

Turns out he signed the law because of politics. It’s called “compromise.” Sorry, it's called, "child rape compromise."

Whatever. It's going to be a great campaign.

Karzai ’09: Child Rape and Forced Captivity.

Lawmakers who opposed the bill were threatened and harassed, which is really surprising from a group of guys who are pro-child rape.

Consider me an unbeliever, you know, because I don’t believe in legalizing rape. I’m weird that way. Also, I’m not an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, a little pollster Asshole Fuckfacery.

Rasmussen Reports has become the biggest joke of all our great American polling companies. Recently, they decided to just poll for Republicans. Apparently, they thought Zogby was hoarding all the sweet right wing lunacy polling and they want in on the action. Over the past year, their polls have bordered on the absurd and now they have gone a bit further –- by polling people a topic that is not real.

Um. When did we decide to start polling shit from Revelations? I’d also like to know how many Americans believe it is important for Obama to cover his robes in lamb's blood.

Holy shit! Rasmussen, get on this! Seriously, though, we should be thanking Rasmussen for polling Americans on shit that is completely not real. I am also concerned about whether or not my neighbor should be allowed to own a dragon, maybe Rasmussen can get on that.

The pollster actually admitted the issue was distorted because of the questions asked.

Huh. Well, that would be an entirely different question, one that isn’t in the wacky last part of the Bible that was written by an isolated lunatic on an island and considered heresy for hundreds of years by many, until Augustine of Hippo officially put it in the Bible in 394.

Yes. You’re doing a fantastic job making it seem like something that is not real is real.

Next up, some good old election theft Asshole Fuckfacery.

Now remember, there’s no way any elections were stolen over the past ten years. It just couldn’t happen. If you think it has happened, you are a conspiracy nut who knows how to interpret exit polls and can read.

That’s Clay County, Kentucky, the birthplace of the word “Cornhole.”

Oh, noes! How shocking.

These Asshole Fuckfaces are accused of acts of extortion, mail fraud, bribery, perjury, buying votes and changing votes in the electronic voting machines. Can you believe it? Election workers actually changing votes in electronic voting machines? Who would believe such a thing could occur in America?

Thank God the media picked up this story, because, you know, our system of government is built upon democracy. Move along, nothing to see here.

Finally, some sweet baby making Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard for some people to accept that their baby making days are over. Even though you may already have a child, you could want another one to come out of your vagina. It’s pretty great, from what I understand. Sometimes, there is a perfect solution to your problem.

Nice. It’s called problem solving, you assholes. Why all the judgment? All she did was drug her daughter, so her boyfriend could rape her to make a baby. What’s wrong with that – besides everything?

If anyone deserves another kid, it’s Shana Brown. This coming Christmas at the Brown house is going to be weird. There may be some trust issues.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

The fun of watching Harry Reid poke his anus into the air for all to penetrate never seems to end. He is one of the weakest men in Washington, completely unable or unwilling to use his power to accomplish what needs to be done. From allowing Republicans to constantly filibuster without actually filibustering, to rolling over like a bitch for Bush for years, it is mystifying the loser is still allowed to keep his job. But who wouldn’t want a pro-life, anti-gay marriage, big business lovin’ man who voted to invade Iraq. He’s got Democrat stamped all over him.

Basically, Reid is a Republican, or what was a Republican 20 years ago before Washington became completely insane. And he’s running the Senate for the Democrats. Reid is a huge problem and he’s a Mormon, so he wears weird underwear, which is very troubling. This week Harry decided to tell MoveOn to simmer down. Take it down a notch, with all your ‘asking for what you want and partaking in the political process’ while grandpa’s trying to bury his spine in the backyard.

Harry is upset because liberal groups have begun campaigns targeting the new “Moderate Democratic” group in the Senate. They are an exciting group of Blue Dog Democrats who think we should reduce spending on random stuff. They never actually provide a concrete reason why some project should be eliminated and another should survive, they just basically want to be able to say they did something awesome with the budget. It's economic stupidity for the worst reason and they are doing it at a time when doing shit halfway is about as stupid as it gets.

At the same time, Moveon.org is going after the Blue Dogs with radio ads. Fine. Whatever. This is how politics works. Here we have two factions of the same party who strongly disagree on an issue. This is what happens. But, oh wait, Grandpa Soft from Nevada doesn't like it when the left criticizes his precious moderates.

Right, because it's super helpful to have the Democratic caucus split apart because you have no leadership ability. And, of course, it’s not helpful to make your opinion known. To put pressure on a FUCKING POLITICIAN to get what you want. Who has ever heard of such a thing? My God, why don’t you just shit in their faces? When we begin subjecting our politicians, who appear to be aiding their opponents, to pressure, then we are doomed. In Harry Reid’s world of politics, you cave quietly behind closed doors. Keep it down, Daddy’s giving in back here.

Jesus Christ. Or should I say, “Joseph Smith.” Is Harry Reid really explaining the “art of compromise?” Harry’s version of compromising is to drop his pants, lube up his anus, and enter the room backwards. His “art of compromise” gave Bush every dime he wanted for the Iraq War, a disturbing FISA bill, a free pass on torture, put insane judge after insane judge on the bench, and an endless stream of torture happy department heads. He’s soft and weak, which is the job of people not in power.

And now he’s decided to tell a strong political group to shut up, because it’s “unwise and unhelpful” to fight for what you believe in. How in the fuck is it “unhelpful” to pressure Democrats not to act against their DEMOCRATIC president? Are the Blue Dog Senators going to throw a tantrum and, uh, I don’t know, do exactly what they are doing? Maybe if Harry were capable of doing the job, the groups that make up the Democratic base wouldn’t have to take action. What Harry Reid doesn’t play hardball, he plays fearball and it has led to an endless stream of failures.

The fact that Harry Reid has remained in power for so long is an indictment against all Senate Democrats. In the end, it’s not Harry’s fault, it’s the Democratic Senate Caucus. I wouldn’t let a drunk keep driving the bus after seven years of running into cars and killing people, but that’s exactly what they are doing. He’s inept and he’s shown it over and over again. The Democrats are frightened, little animals, even with a large majority. They don’t want to oust a man who believes strongly that a woman shouldn’t have the choice to choose, who gave in time after time to Bush and the Republicans and who refuses to make Republicans filibuster when they threaten to do so. The failure isn’t Harry; he’s just being himself. I wouldn’t get mad at a jellyfish because it can’t climb a ladder. It’s got no hands and no spine. Just like Harry’s got no leadership skills –- and no spine.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

The time has come for you to absorb the hideous actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. It is a horrible bunch of horribles. Many of my minions ask how I came up with the name Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It was a difficult and eye opening process. Several other names made the final list, before my mommy and I chose Asshole Fuckface Roundup. The list included such gems as: Douchebag Fucknuts Encapsulation, Asshat Cunterman Digest, Fuckbag Shitmonster Review, Ballsac Sphincterface Wrap Up, and the Bad People Compilation. As you can see, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup just flows off the tongue better than the others. And here we are, me writing about the worst people on the Earth this week and you preparing your leather apron and plastic Dutch hat for the reading. Get that hat on, because this shit is starting now.

First up, some bankster babytown Asshole Fuckfacery.

Nothing is more glorious that hearing the Asshole Fuckfaces at AIG act like they are victims of some horrible common people anger. Poor little babies. Did you help to destroy our economy and now people are mad at you? Aw. First we were allowed to read an email from Class A Asshole Fuckface Jake DeSantis. He was an executive vice president of the American International Group’s financial products unit, you know, the unit that made all the bad deals, destroying the company.

Hey, Fuckface, don’t bring up the closing of steel mills and teachers while whining about persecution from Congress and Americans. Those are the people you and your kind ruined and have been sucking the life out of for years. Just go back to your throne of gold and figure out other ways to ruin the economy.

Take that shit back to babytown and file it under "Fuck off." I’d rather not have anyone working for a dollar, you know, because when you guys were working for a lot of money you destroyed the company. I can’t imagine what you’d do when receiving no compensation.

Oh, and the American dream shit? Fuck you. In the old days, a graduate of MIT would get a job at a company that actually PRODUCED something. You make money off of money, and jackoffs like you, who all jumped into the financial world, helped to unbalance the system. You are parasites, making money off of the common man. Please, go try to find a job in the financial sector right now. Today. Good luck. Or, now that you are out in the real world, try actually doing something worthwhile with your life.

And then some AIG Asshole Fuckface in London, you know, the office that CREATED THE DISASTER, asked the British government to look into whether or not asking for him to VOLUNTARILY return his bonus was extortion.

Um, yeah. Let’s not comment on the part where you Asshole Fuckfaces put that little thing into the unregulated contracts that forces AIG to pay banks a shitload of money if you don’t get your bonuses. That’s totally not extortion. You are a rapist. A rapist of mankind. Go perish.

Next up, hot dog Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard being an Orthodox Jew and finding Kosher food. I should know, when I lived in New York I worked in a small, family owned, gourmet food store. To get that little Kosher seal of approval from a Rabbi, the owners had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars and then the Rabbi would never come to check to make sure everything was Kosher. It was a racket! How surprising.

This week, the racket was exposed at the Shawarma King restaurant in Brooklyn. A Rabbi and a customer were checking out the hot dogs on the grill, when they realized the dogs were not Kosher. OH SHIT!

MOTHERFUCKER!

The worker pulled out an electric knife to defend himself from the angry horde of religious extremists.

Yeah, get him! Kill the bastard! God damned wrong hot dogger!

Yes, keep pretending it’s real and swim in your money.

Next up, a little Conservative Asshole Fuckfacery.

Burt Prelutsky is a guy I had never heard of until yesterday. He is apparently a spectacular Asshole Fuckface. This week, Burt dug deep down into his brain and put together some stuff for the idiots to enjoy. Burt decided to go after Michelle Obama, because, you know, she’s there.

Oh, so you don’t lay off of spouses because you can find a ridiculous loophole for anyone. Good to know, liar.

Do go on.

Oh, snap! You clever bastard! Step your shit aside, dead Mark Twain, America has a new bestest satirist. A white guy calling a successful black woman a bitch! BAM! Michelle Obama is a bitch! Why? Well, because the right wing made a bunch of shit up and now they get to pretend it’s real. Oh, and Jesus would be proud of his American Christian following. This is soooo something Jesus would have said.

Finally, some police officer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ryan Moats is an NFL running back who plays for the Houston Somethings (I don’t follow the NFL, it sucks). Moats had a bad week. His mother-in-law was on her deathbed on Thursday. The family had gone home to get some rest, but was told to rush back to the hospital because she was about to die. Moats, his wife, her grandfather and an aunt jumped into his SUV and headed back.

Moats rolled through a red light after the only other car waved him through, because he had his hazard lights on. That’s when Asshole Fuckface Officer Robert Powell came into the picture. He pulled Moats over – after he had parked in the hospital parking lot. Then he pulled out his gun and pointed it. You know, because there was a bunch of black people in a nice car.

They explained that her mother was dying, but Powell was more concerned with the serious red light situation. He told them to stay put, but Tamishia and her aunt went into the hospital anyway. Moats and his father-in-law remained behind with the Asshole Fuckface. They continued to explain the situation and then just began asking for the ticket so they could go inside.

Yeah, it’s weird the way people want to get going WHEN SOMEONE IS DYING.

Quality policing. Hospital security guards came and tried to explain the situation to Powell. No luck. Then a nurse came down to explain it to the Asshole Fuckface. He then gave Moats his ticket -- and then continued to lecture him.

Nice work. Powell has been removed from active duty and is now working dispatch. And investigation is being conducted and according to Lt. Andy Harvey,

What a shock. I would think a cop who stopped a man from being at his mother-in-laws bedside while she was dying would be well mannered.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Twenty years ago today, the Exxon Valdez oil tanker ran aground in Alaska's Prince Williams Sound. Two decades on, despite reporting profits of $45.2 billion in 2008, the oil company responsible, Exxon Mobil, is only just beginning to make good on the court-mandated (and vastly reduced) $507.5 million settlement due to the Natives and local fisherman whose lives were devastated by the resulting oil spill.

Fearing the effects such an incident might cause, the fishermen and local communities fought for years to prevent the construction of the oil pipeline that feeds the hungry tankers at the Port of Valdez. Experts had deemed the enclosed geography of the Prince William Sound, in which the port lies, particularly unforgiving should a spill occur, and the courts were responsive to their arguments, issuing an injunction to stop the pipeline in its tracks. When the Supreme Court declined to hear Big Oil's appeal, pressure was put on the government who then rewrote the law, amending the Mineral Leasing Act of 1920 and the National Environmental Policy Act to favor the interests of the oil companies.

The pipeline was built and environmental baseline studies the EPA would have otherwise insisted on were never carried out. This meant after the spill it was easy for Exxon to fudge the data on its effect on the delicate Prince Williams Sound eco-system. Meanwhile, with an eye on the nickels and dimes, Exxon systematically avoided and ignored the safety regulations and precautions that were in play. When the "accident" occurred, the tanker was sailing out of the Port of Valdez in a channel intended exclusively for inbound traffic. The substitute-skipper at the helm of the vessel, which was carrying an estimated 53 million US gallons of oil when it ran aground, might have avoided obstacle (a well-charted reef) had its sonar been in operation. But, as investigative journalist and Exxon expert Greg Palast reported in yesterday's SG Newswire column, "the Exxon Valdez' Raycas radar system was turned off; turned off because it was busted and had been busted since its maiden voyage. Exxon didn't want to spend the cash to fix it. So the man at the helm, electronically blindfolded, drove it up onto the reef."

In this excerpt from Buzzflash's four part series on the Exxon Valdez disaster and its ongoing fallout, Meg White uncovers the ongoing human cost in the face of Exxon's record profits.



The captain of the Exxon Valdez, a man described in later court documents as a "relapsed alcoholic," was in his quarters when he should have been piloting the ship, and the men he assigned to take his place weren't properly rested. The ship obtained special permission to exit the Prince William Sound through the inbound shipping lane. The ship came too close to shore and was grounded on the Bligh Reef, a well-known obstacle in the area, just after midnight on March 24, 1989.

Immediately after the spill, delays and mishaps interfered with the clean-up. The fishermen and the townspeople of Cordova, Alaska, who relied on the waters for their very existence, were worried. But the president of Exxon assured them they would all be taken care of. Exxon President Dan Cornett even called the incident a blessing in disguise for Alaskans while addressing a crowd of Cordovans gathered in concern after the disaster:

The opposite turned out to be the case. For the past two decades, Exxon has dragged its corporate feet in court while Alaskans have struggled to cope with the after effects of the spill. Communities such as Cordova still report cases of post-traumatic stress syndrome, along with continuing increases in divorce, bankruptcy, and suicide rates.

Cordova, AK, a small fishing town on the coast of Prince Williams Sound was devastated by the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in March 1989. While environmental and social fallout persists, Cordova has not been able to get back on its financial feet, despite promises from Exxon to make the community whole again.

Cordova, with a population of just less than 2,500 according to the most recent census data available, was one of the most hard hit when 11 million gallons of oil spread along the Alaskan coast. It was the worst oil spill in U.S. history. Life has been especially tough on the fishermen of Cordova.

John Platt is a third-generation Alaska fisherman. He's incensed by the way Exxon and the government have treated him. "We fought tooth and nail not to have the pipeline in there," Platt said. "And here we are, 38 years later and what we feared would happen happened and nobody seems to give a damn."

Though appellate courts have consistently reaffirmed the need for compensation for damages in the case, Supreme Court rulings whittled down the legally permissible amount of the award.

The original amount of punitive damages to be paid to the fishermen was $5 billion. That amount was reduced to 4 billion, raised back up to $4.5 billion, then cut to $2.5 billion, then further reduced to $507 million. A Supreme Court ruling is expected soon on whether Exxon should pay interest on this payment after 20 years of waiting.

In a recent interview with In These Times, Cordova fisherwoman and marine biologist Riki Ott addressed the injustice of the Exxon settlement being whittled down:

Meanwhile, the fishermen of Cordova are worried about what that ultimate payment might mean. Of the original 32,000 plaintiffs against Exxon, 8,000 have liens on their settlements, meaning most if not all of the money Exxon owes them will go straight to the government. But the kicker is this: They'll still have to pay thousands in taxes on the supposed "windfall."

Commercial fishing in Alaska requires a great deal of initial investment. Not only will boats and equipment set you back tens of thousands of dollars, but also the fishing permits are expensive as well. The value of the permits depends upon the productive output of the Sound, so when fish levels crash, so do the value of the permits.

Platt took out a loan for $235,000 to get his permits, using the value of one paid-off permit and the other two purchased on credit to secure the loan. But when the value of his permits for fishing both herring and salmon plummeted after the oil spill, the Alaska Division of Investment found him to be "under-collateralized."

On top of that, there weren't any fish to catch, so his income has fallen precipitously. He said there are days where "had I left the boat tied up, I would have been better off." His salmon permit does pay off some years, but the herring catch is another story.

"We haven't had a herring season in 15 of the last 17 years," Platt said. Salmon has been a more stable population, but prices have crashed. In 1988, Platt said he was paid around $1 a pound for salmon, but the ten-year average between 1992 and 2002 was 11 cents a pound.

With such a volatile income stream, paying off his debt has been difficult for Platt. Even though he's paid about $130,000 on the loan, the amount he owes has roughly doubled from that original $235,000. The money he expects to get from Exxon won't even pay off his debt in full, and he'll have to pay taxes on the damages as well.

Platt hired a bankruptcy lawyer to create a payment plan with the state. He had to sell his salmon seine boat "for pennies on the dollar" and give all the proceeds to the state.

Platt paid off both his fishing boats thanks to money he was paid to help clean up after the spill. Paying off those debts seemed like a prudent move at the time, but Platt thinks of other ways he could have used the money to his advantage.

"If I just would've invested it all in Exxon stock, I would've been fine," Platt laughed.

Alaska House Bill 96, sponsored by Rep. Bill Thomas (R-Haines), would forgive the interest owed on loans that are secured by liens on money from Exxon Valdez damages claims. Platt tried to be upbeat about the bill's prospects, but this is looking like another disappointment. He was told by a state legislative aide that the bill is good as dead due to legal issues such as equal protection.

Exxon's bid to get out of paying interest on the $507 million might have more of a chance than the fishermen's. Not that Exxon is in financial dire straits. At the end of January 2009, Exxon reported that it once again broke its own astonishing profit records. Last year, the company earned profits of $40.61 billion, topping its 2006 record. The $507 million they are estimated to be required to pay out in damages is a little more than 1 percent of the company's profit last year.

While Exxon's profits don't seem to be much endangered, there are signs that fishing the Prince Williams Sound will continue to be difficult. While salmon has fluctuated in the past 20 years, the herring season has been canceled by the state almost every year since the spill, due to unsustainable population numbers. Not only have their numbers been down, but also the herring that do show up to spawn arrive covered in lesions, bleeding internally and swimming erratically.

Scientists hesitate to equate the disease, called viral hemorrhagic septicemia virus (VHSV), directly with the Exxon Valdez disaster, but for Platt, it was "definitely a smoking gun." Showing up for the first time in Alaskan herring populations after the oil spill, VHSV persists today, and is one of the reasons the state has said it will once again cancel the entire herring season in 2009.

Still, thanks to a "halfway decent season" using his remaining salmon boat, Platt said he was able to help his two boys out a little this year. But still, he describes the situation as precarious. He's already sold his house and he's trying to avoid bankruptcy. It's a story you hear all the time in this tough financial environment, but Platt and the rest of Cordova have been living like this for 20 years, with no end in sight.

***

A major contributor to the record-breaking nature of the disaster was the shoddy job Exxon did in removing the oil in the first place. There were significant initial delays and confusion over what methods should be used in the clean up.

The problem was attitudinal as well. Exxon perceived that it had a huge public relations disaster on its hands, not an ecological one. Instead of listening to experts on oil pollution clean up methods, Exxon sent workers to beaches to blast the area with 140-degree water. The water merely pushed the oil out of sight, while effectively boiling the plant and animal life that is thought to aid clean up.

The now-defunct U.S. Office of Technology Assessment estimated that initial clean up efforts had only removed three to four percent of the oil spilled. The huge deposits of oil remaining underground have been described by one government scientist as "land mines that will cause chronic harm to successive generations" of fauna in Alaska.

Exxon has produced several studies claiming there are no environmental effects from the spill, which have been denounced by scientists of virtually every stripe.

The tamping down of information began immediately after the spill on March 24, 1989. Fishermen such as John Platt were paid by Exxon to help in the clean up efforts, but before they were hired they had to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

"I could not say or do anything that would be detrimental to Exxon," Platt recalled. "In other words, it was hush money."

Platt said he didn't talk to anyone at the time about the clean up process, for fear of losing the only job he could be sure of in that moment. He said he knew one man who did lose his temporary clean up job because he talked to the press.

The story of the Exxon Valdez oil spill was a complex and unprecedented one, and reporters who flocked to Alaska to cover the story for far away national outlets were easily confused. Riki Ott, an Alaskan marine biologist and fisherwoman, was called in at the scene and saw firsthand how Exxon whitewashed the story for the media and the American public. She documents in her 2008 book, Not One Drop, the lies Exxon told about everything from the amount of oil spilled to the success of clean up efforts.

But the lies didn't stop in 1989. Exxon continually brought its own scientists to conduct studies on Prince William Sound, with their most recent, undated "report" appearing to be from 2005. The company's scientists repeatedly reported no long-term damage, despite the fact that everyone else -- from government to private to nonprofit experts -- disagreed with their assertions.

The company caused untold death and destruction, and denied responsibility at every turn. Even their failed clean up efforts ended in misery. Clean up workers are still sick from the dangerous chemicals Exxon used to burnish its image (the efforts failed to actually restore Prince William Sound, but succeeded in forcing the oil and toxic materials underground, where the public couldn't see it). Some workers are suffering from respiratory and neurological disorders to this day. Others have died from restoration-related illnesses.

Still, the story never seems to stick. Exxon is still the world's largest publicly-traded international oil company and continues to make record profits year after year. Platt calls Exxon "the Teflon corporation," and is frustrated by the amount of influence the company exudes.

"It's a sad, sad comment" on society, Platt said. "[Exxon is] basically setting policy, molding our judicial system -- I don't know. It's almost gotten to the point -- it makes me scratch my head -- they as a corporation have more rights than that of the individual."

Exxon found that the disinformation campaign worked so well in the Prince William Sound that there was no reason not to launch others. The Union of Concerned Scientists released a study in 2007 that found Exxon had spent almost $16 million over a seven-year period funding pseudo-scientific groups to disseminate false information challenging the existence and cause of global warming.

"When one looks closely, Exxon Mobil's underhanded strategy is as clear and indisputable as the scientific research it's meant to discredit," said Seth Shulman, an investigative journalist who wrote the report. "The paper trail shows that, to serve its corporate interests, Exxon Mobil has built a vast echo chamber of seemingly independent groups with the express purpose of spreading disinformation about global warming."

Exxon's funding of "trinket tanks" and pseudo scientists goes full-circle when the information they generate is used by politicians to defend policies that favor oil companies. Ever wonder where Sarah Palin got that junk science about polar bears? You guessed it: Exxon. And what is a major barrier to expanding Arctic oil exploration? Endangered species such as the polar bear.

An important point for lawmakers to realize here is the strong possibility of guilt by association. As Dune Lankard, a fisherman, Alaska Native and conservationist from Prince William Sound put it after the Exxon settlement was further reduced last year: "From here on out we will never ever trust the oil industry, government or the courts."


Thanks to Buzzflash's editor Mark Karlin and senior journalist Meg White for allowing us to reprint this article. The full text can be found on the links below:

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4.

"Gail, Please! Stick your hand in it!"

The petite Eskimo-Chugach woman gave me that you-dumb-ass-white-boy look.

"Gail, Gail. STICK YOUR GODDAMN HAND IN IT!"

She stuck it in, under the gravel of the beach at Sleepy Bay, her village's fishing ground. Gail's hand came up dripping with black, sickening goo. It could make you vomit. Oil from the Exxon Valdez.

It was already two years after the spill and Exxon had crowed that Mother Nature had happily cleaned up their stinking oil mess for them. It was a lie. But the media wouldn't question the bald-faced bullshit. And who the hell was going to investigate Exxon's claim way out in some godforsaken Native village in the Prince William Sound?

So I convinced the Natives to fly the lazy-ass reporters out to Sleepy Bay on rented float planes to see the oil that Exxon said wasn't there.

The reporters looked, but didn't see it, because it was three inches under their feet, under the shingle rock of the icy beach. Gail pulled out her hand and now the whole place smelled like a gas station. The network crews wanted to puke. And now, with their eyes open, they saw the oil, the vile feces-colored smear across the glaciated ridge faces, the poisonous "bathtub ring" that ran for miles and miles at the high tide level.

And it's still there. Less for sure. But twenty years later. IT'S STILL THERE, GODDAMNIT. And I want YOU, dear reader, to stick your hand in it. I want YOU, President Obama, to stick your hand in it before you blithely fulfill your Palin-esque campaign promise for a little more offshore drilling.

***

Tuesday marks the 20th Anniversary of the Exxon Valdez grounding and the smearing of 1,200 miles of Alaska's coastline with its oil.

It also marks the 20th Anniversary of a lie. Lots of lies: catalogued in a four-volume investigation of the disaster; four volumes you'll never see. I wrote that report, with my team of investigators working with the Natives preparing fraud and racketeering charges against Exxon. You'll never see the report because Exxon lawyers threatened the Natives, "Mention the f-word [fraud] and you'll never get a dime" of compensation to clean up the villages. The Natives agreed to drop the fraud charge -- and Exxon stiffed them on the money. You're surprised, right?

***

Doubtless, for the 20th Anniversary of the Great Spill, the media will schlep out that old story that the tanker ran aground because its captain was drunk at the wheel. Bullshit.

Yes, the captain was "three sheets to the wind" -- but sleeping it off below-decks. The ship was in the hands of the third mate who was driving blind. That is, the Exxon Valdez' Raycas radar system was turned off; turned off because it was busted and had been busted since its maiden voyage. Exxon didn't want to spend the cash to fix it. So the man at the helm, electronically blindfolded, drove it up onto the reef.

So why the story of the drunken skipper? Because it lets Exxon off the hook: Calling it a case of "drunk driving" turns the disaster into a case of human error, not corporate penny-pinching greed.

Indeed, the "human error" tale was the hook used by the Bush-stacked Supreme Court to slash the punitive damages awarded against Exxon by 90%, from $5 billion, to half a billion for 30,000 Natives and fishermen. Chief Justice John Roberts erased almost all of the payment due with the la-dee-dah comment, "What more can a corporation do?"

Well, here's what they could have done: Besides fix the radar, Exxon could have set out equipment to contain the spill. Containing a spill is actually quite simple. Stick a rubber skirt around the oil slick and suck it back up. The law requires it and Exxon promised it.

So, when the tanker hit, where was the rubber skirt and where was the sucker? Answer: The rubber skirt, called "boom" -- was a fiction. Exxon promised to have it sitting right there near the Native village at Bligh Reef. The oil company fulfilled that promised the cheap way: they lied.

And the lie was engineered at the very top. After the spill, we got our hands on a series of memos describing a secret meeting of chief executives of Exxon and its oil company partners, including ARCO, a unit of British Petroleum. In a meeting of these oil chieftains held in April 1988, ten months before the spill, Exxon rejected a plea from T.L. Polasek, the Vice-President of its Alaska shipping operations, to provide the oil spill containment equipment required by law. Polasek warned the CEOs it was "not possible" to contain a spill in the mid-Sound without the emergency set-up.

Exxon angrily vetoed ARCO's suggestion that the oil companies supply the rubber skirts and other materiel that would have prevented the spill from spreading, virtually eliminating the spill's damage.

Regulations state that no tanker may leave the Alaska port of Valdez without the "sucker" equipment, called a "containment barge," at the ready. Exxon signed off on the barge's readiness. But, that night twenty years ago, the barge was in dry-dock with its pumps locked up under arctic ice. By the time it arrived at the tanker, half a day after the spill, the oil was well along its thousand-mile killing path.

Natives watched as the now-unstoppable oil overwhelmed their islands. Eyak Native elder Henry Makarka saw an otter rip out its own eyes burning from oil residue. Henry, pointing down a waterside dead-zone, told me, in a mix of Alutiiq and English, "If I had a machine gun, I'd shoot every one of those white sons-of-bitches."

***

Exxon promised -- promised -- to pay the Natives and other fisherman for all their losses. The Chief of the Natives at Nanwalek lost his boat to bankruptcy. His village, like other villages, Native and non-Native, decayed into alcoholism. The Mayor of fishing port Cordova killed himself, citing Exxon in his suicide note.

On the island village of Chenega, Gail Evanoff's uncle Paul Kompkoff was hungry. Until the spill, he had lived on seal meat, razor clams and salmon Chenegans would catch, and on deer they hunted. The clams and salmon were declared deadly and the deer, not able to read the government warning signs, ate the poisoned vegetation and died.

The President of Exxon, Lee Raymond, helicoptered into Chenega for a photo op. He promised to compensate the Natives and all fishermen for their losses, and Exxon would thoroughly clean the beaches.

Uncle Paul told the Exxon chief of his hunger. The oil company, sensing PR disaster, shipped in seal meat to the isolated village. The cans were marked, "NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION." Uncle Paul said, "Zoo food."

Paul didn't want a seal in a can. He wanted a boat to go fishing, to bring the village back to life.

Two years after the spill, Otto Harrison, General Manager of Exxon USA, told Evanoff and me to forget about a fishing boat for Uncle Paul. Exxon was immortal and Natives were not. The company would litigate for 20 years.

They did. Only now, two decades on, Exxon has finally begun its payout of the court award -- but only ten cents on the dollar. And Uncle Paul's boat? No matter. Paul's dead. So are a third of the fishermen owed the money.

***

Lee Raymond, President of Exxon at the time of the spill -- and its President when the company made the secret decision to do without oil spill equipment, retired in April 2006. The company awarded him a $400 million retirement bonus, more than double the bonuses received by all AIG executives combined.

***

Gail's oily hand never made it to national television. The networks were distracted with another oil story.

After sailing back to Chenega from Sleepy Bay, I sat with Uncle Paul, watching the smart bombs explode over Baghdad. Gulf War I had begun.

Uncle Paul was silent a long time. The generals on CNN pointed to the burning oil fields near Basra. Paul said, "I guess were all some kind of Native now."



Greg Palast investigated fraud and racketeering claims for the Chugach Natives of Alaska. Now a journalist whose work appears on BBC Television Newsnight, Palast is the author of the New York Times bestselling books The Best Democracy Money Can Buy and Armed Madhouse. Visit GregPalast.com for more.

Prepare to have your asses blown off by tales of disturbing and horrible Asshole Fuckfacery. That’s right, it’s Asshole Fuckface day, which means I’m bringing a boatload of heinousness out of the darkness and dragging it into the light of day. Also, I’m going to write about it. So, put on your thickest leather robe, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Oklahoma Asshole Fuckfacery.

Paul Duran Jr. fucked up when he was sixteen years old. He was hanging out with an older guy, named Jessie James Dalton, who was twenty-five. Duran, Dalton and another teenager broke into a home and demanded money at gunpoint. During the robbery, Dalton shot and killed nineteen-year-old Billy Ray Wayne, who also had the most stereotypical hick name possible.

They were caught and Duran testified against Dalton in exchange for a 28-year sentence and a lesser charge of robbery with a firearm. The other teen did the same and Dalton received life in prison. That was 2002. Cut to six years later.

Last week the guards at Oklahoma State Penitentiary decided it would be an awesome idea to put Duran into a cell with Dalton. Totally did not work out.

That’s weird. I can’t believe they didn’t hug it out.

Super good question, and the word “fuck” should be tossed in there as well.

Dalton and Duran were listed as "separates" by the prison, which meant they were not supposed to be put in a cell together. Also, when the guard was putting Duran into the cell and he was screaming, “Oh my God, he’s going to kill me because I testified against him,” someone should have noticed.

What up, understatement? The Asshole Fuckface who put the soon to be dead guy in the cell with the big Asshole Fuckface has not been suspended. The DA will look into whether to file charges, then won’t, because it’s Oklahoma.

Next up, some super white guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

Lou Dobbs may be the stupidest Asshole Fuckface on the planet. Besides his constant lying and sensationalist “War on the Middle Class,” he is a delightful racist. Dobbs can look at any subject that has to do with ethnicity and immediately come up with the most ridiculous take. And that’s exactly what he did this week during a rant against St. Patrick’s Day.

Way to take a stand, Serpico. Yes, people celebrating their country of origin are so fucked up. It angers me to no end.

Yes. There are many. Just because you don’t know any Jewish people, doesn’t mean their holidays don’t exist. I don’t know where Lou grew up, or where he now lives, but you have to be one hell of a shockingly ignorant Asshole Fuckface to not know of any Jewish holidays.

Great name. It totally sounds Asian. You should be branded with the words White Guy on your forehead, so everyone will know before you open your mouth where you are coming from. And, yes, there are Asian holidays. Actually, Lou, “Asia” is not a country. So, there are many holidays celebrated by the many different Asians from the many different cultures in the many different countries in the Asia.

Independence Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day, Memorial Day. Allowing you to have a TV show is like allowing daily mind rape.

Next up, more super white guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

When one is seeking a decent Asshole Fuckface to round out the Roundup, one can always look into the latest ramblings from the Pope. Benedict XVI is on a tour of Africa, and what better way to kick it off than to say something shockingly stupid?

I’m glad someone finally had the balls to say that condoms are not the best way to prevent AIDS and to follow up with a capper: Condoms make AIDS worse. Duh. If you have condoms, you’re going to fuck like a wild man, banging every ass, whether it be woman, monkey or antelope. And you’ll think you’re totally safe –- but you’re not. AIDS is crafty and can get all up inside a condom. The only way to really avoid AIDS is to not have sex. Or, you could kill yourself. That would really prevent AIDS. AIDS cannot get you if you are dead.

Finally, some disturbing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Michelle Owen is a twenty-four year old lass from Indiana. She had a bad night this week. Michelle got herself locked up for public intoxication, which was double bad because she is on parole for drunk diving. Michelle likes to party. Oh, my God does she like to party.

Naturally, Michelle wanted to take the attention off her and put it on someone else. So, she told the cops her ex-boyfriend may have been looking at kiddie porn on her computer and told them to search it. Apparently, she didn’t think about the fact that it was HER computer and there is no way to prove he was looking at the porn instead of her. But, again, she’s wasted, so the brain isn’t working all that well. Not well at all, because she forgot about a certain thing she did with a dog in front of a video camera.

Oops. I totally forgot about my doggie porn.

Um, yeah, the one with a dog. One can only hope this moment is on video, because it is epic.

Oh, then never mind. If you just had your dog lick your vagina, or you jerked it off, or you blew it when you were drunk, then it’s all-good. You can actually fuck and suck any animal you want if you are drunk. It’s a weird loophole they put into the bestiality laws.

Anyway, they never found that child porn.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Michael Steele is the gift that keeps giving. For those of you who don’t know, Steele took over as Republican National Committee Chair a couple of months ago. At the time, I thought Steele would actually be one of the smartest choices the GOP could make. He is not as much of a religious lunatic as the others and wants to make the party more technologically savvy, so I assumed he would take the party in a smarter direction. Holy shit was I wrong. Michael Steele is a car crash falling on top of a train wreck, while being hit by an airplane. Steele has one big problem: His mouth.

The trouble started days after Steele took over. The first sign of a problem was the revelation that he is being investigated for some naughty campaign money nonsense. Nothing to worry about, unless of course you are concerned about your party chair being in jail.

Sweet. Nothing like having the FBI investigate your new party chair. Investigations always set a good tone. As of last week, the investigation was picking up steam.

Um. When I said, “consulting,” I meant “coffee.” So, let’s just move along.

Ordinarily, this would be some sort of red flag, but the Republicans probably see it as a sign of hope. The guy was committing campaign fraud, which is a resume builder for the GOP. If only Michael had stopped there, it would have been perfect. But fortunately for us, he has been enjoying as much time in front of the cameras and microphones as possible. Just a couple weeks into the job, Steele explained what kind of changes the GOP needed to make.

There goes the one-armed midget vote. Not exactly an eloquent pitch, and it actually sounds, you know, stupid. Not that I don’t think the conservative suburban hip-hop vote is huge. It obviously is, though not as big as the conservative urban hip-hop vote. That shit is crazy large. Sure, his statement was not that big of a deal, but it was a sign of things to come. It was the sign of a man who is a bit too loose with what comes out of his dumb hole.

Steele followed up his midget/hip-hop moment with some hilarious comments about Bobby Jindal’s ethnic background during an interview with Curtis Sliwa broadcast on ABC Radio:

Ha ha! Weeeee. Do you get it? Jindal is Indian – and successful. That means he’s a slumdog millionaire! All successful people from India are slum dogs. Come on, join us in making the dumbest and most racist connections possible! Of course this comment didn’t upset too many Republicans, but it certainly did add to the general discomfort level with their new chair. And he was just getting started.

Next he compared being a Republican to being an alcoholic, which is an interesting choice for the head of the GOP.

Guess what? Quite a few Republicans didn’t like the leader of the party comparing them with alcoholics, mostly because he’s right. Being in a 12-step program means one has to take responsibility for one’s actions and that is an idea that enrages Republicans. But that was nothing compared to what Steele had in store for the GOP.

Next, Steele decided to go mano a mano with Rush Limbaugh – for three whole days. While appearing on the D.L. Hughley Show, Steele let loose on the fat, three-time divorced, multi-millionaire, drug addict (see YouTube clip).

Uh oh, don’t go there. Don’t do it…

Oh, noes! Once a Republican criticizes Rush, you can start a countdown for the moment he will apologize and say, “that’s not what I meant.” For Steele, it took three days. Rush took to the airwaves and attacked Steele, which caused Steele to reach out to every media outlet he could to apologize.

Right, when you said, “ugly,” you meant “sexy,” and when you said “incendiary,” you meant, “smells like vanilla.” Easy mistake to make. At this point, Steele shut down his blog, which is a weird way to get the party on par with the Democrats online, but Steele had no choice because of all the angry Republican comments. And Steele had yet to drop the big shoe.

Last week, Steele took a dagger and plunged it into his own heart.

Dude. You are the leader of the Republican Party. I so shouldn’t have to remind you of that. I mean, didn't you notice you are the leader of crazy, religious lunatics?

Not surprisingly, many Republicans were a bit upset by the comments. Sometimes Republican ignorance of shit they should know comes to bite them in the ass. In this case they should have perhaps taken into account what I wrote about Steele and his efforts to revive the Republican Leadership Council in 2003.

Wow. Just think if all those Republican idiots had read my column. They probably wouldn’t have voted for Steele in the first place. Too bad reading isn’t big on their “to do” list. Oh, and they voted for him because he's black.

Of course, Steele apologized for his abortion comments and said he didn’t mean it and abortion is super bad, etc. But it appears to be too late. The RNC looks set to hold a no-confidence vote on March 31st, just three months after he took over the party. And three months in, Steele has still not hired senior staff, which concerns many in the party.

So, not only is he a loud mouth idiot, but he also isn’t running the place well. He’s all dumb talk and no action. That’s impressive, even for a Republican. I honestly thought Steele would be the Republican's best pick. Turns out they couldn’t have found a worse chair. Time to go back to the old, white racist barrel and pull out a winner. In the meantime, the chair of the Republican National Committee has decided the best thing to do is to stop talking to the press.

FAIL.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

I bet you didn't realize that your life as a woman is infinitely easier, better, and rosier because the US Congress passed The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009.

Has your life changed? Are you jumping up and down with joy?

This new piece of legislation, signed by President Barack Obama, gives you a fresh opportunity to sue your employer for pay discrimination. While the law is multi-layered and complicated -- just like any good piece of legislation -- the outcome of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act is simple: if your company pays you less than your male counterpart, you have a 180-day period, which begins with the last discriminatory paycheck you received, to sue the pants off your organization.

We know that nothing solves the problems of working women in America like a complicated lawsuit.

I would never advise you to pass up an opportunity to sue the pants off your company if you are a victim of wage discrimination, however legal action is something I rarely advocate -- unless you really don't have a life ( since in such cases the burden of proof is on YOU, the financial rewards are often relatively low). Most women would rather find a new job than go through the hassle of fighting a company in court. If your day is anything like most working women's, you juggle work with childcare issues, financial stresses, and relationship drama. You can fight to get your kids to do their homework, you can yell at your spouse to put dishes in the dishwasher, or you can fight against the glass ceiling at work and acquire a lawyer. Which one, realistically, would you choose?

Women have come a long way since Rosie the Riveter told us to go to work -- and June Cleaver told us to go back into the kitchen and make some pie -- but American women are still shouldering the burden of unfair and hostile work environments. We are told to further our education, take accountability for our retirement savings, and secure health care coverage for our children and ourselves. We are asked to care for aging parents, find solutions to conflicts in the Middle East, and serve as role models for younger women who are coming up for the workforce.

When we are victims of pay discrimination, the best thing that our Congress can do for us is to pass antiquated and outmoded legislation that appeals to faux populism instead of addressing the real issues women face in the workforce.

You now have the right to find a lawyer and sue your employer for wage discrimination, but the legislation assumes that you can afford a lawyer and you can survive the potentially career-ending move of suing your company. Our Congressional representatives would rather give you an extended and broader opportunity to sue your employer for wage discrimination instead of promoting sweeping legislation that advocates women as equal members of the workforce.

Lilly Ledbetter worked hard for 18 years and will never recoup the wages she was denied for being a woman. The best our government can do is to offer an opportunity to find your own counsel and sue your employer in civil court. We are telling our citizens that, in American, we can't prevent hostile work environments and pay discrimination but we can give you the right to seek punitive damages from a judge and jury.

Aren't you a lucky lady?



Laurie Ruettimann is a writer, speaker, and HR exec with Fortune 500 experience. She blogs at Punk Rock Human Resources.

Laurie Ruettimann is our guest on SG Radio this Sunday, March 15th. The show airs between 10.30 p.m. and midnight. You can listen to SG Radio live from anywhere in the world by going to Indie1031.com and clicking on the Listen Live button.

Members can email Laurie with their employment questions via SG by clicking HERE.

Here we are. I know, it has been an entire week of desperate waiting. Fear not, the moment you yearned for has arrived. It’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup time. I’ve been wading through this shit for a week and it takes its toll. I am drained, weak, saddened and very much in need of a meatloaf sandwich on sourdough. I had an exciting week; having learned my new neighbor is an Asshole Fuckface. He hired a drug dealer as a contractor, took out insurance and then, the very next day, burned a couple of rooms down in his duplex by piling rags on a floor heater. Go figure. One plus one equals obvious. But he’s just a tiny, local Asshole Fuckface! I’ve scoured the earth and discovered the worst of the worst, so put on your best plastic moo moo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some tough guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chuck Norris was a sad excuse for an action hero. Now he’s a sad excuse of a human. Oh, and he’s completely insane. Chuck penned an article this week for World Net Daily. It’s pretty fantastic, as it is a classic example of the ramblings of a madman. Ordinarily, a man like Chuck would be milling about in an alley, explaining these theories to a box, but since Chuck was once the poor man’s Steven Segal, he gets to write it down and say it on the radio.

Oh, do tell. And not the part about how Texas becomes its own nation –– the part where you win an election. Even Texas is not that stupid.

Wait. Um. Okay. I think I got that.

Huh. Why do I think your version of an American Revolution includes a handmaid, whose legs you thrust your sweaty body between while holding your wife’s hands?

Did you seriously just use the term “Right wing cells?” That’s awesome, mostly because “cells” are what killed thousands of Americans on 9/11. But, by all means, take that term and fucking run with it. It's all yours, rebel.

Lighten up. You’re a pathetic, washed up, Hollywood action hero. During a revolution, your stupidity would probably not be a valued commodity. And your karate skills would not work so great against an assault rifle. And no, I won’t link to WorldNetDaily (hit Buzzflash, who reposted the pertinent excerpts, if you need a source).

Next up, the first Asshole Fuckface fight club.

Thankfully, we don’t have to leave Texas to find our next Asshole Fuckfaces. Corpus Christi State School is a Texas residential facility that houses disabled young men. Obvious, if one were an Asshole Fuckface caring for disabled young men, one would start a fight club.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that is wrong.

Ha ha! I’m laughing so hard –– but that’s only because I don’t have a soul.

First rule of fight club: You're going to prison. I would also like to recommend a fight club to the death.

Next up, some Catholic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sometimes we face very tough decisions in life. It must be tough for the big wigs of the Catholic Church because they have to make decisions that will effect whether someone gets to go to heaven, or some shit. They are like gatekeepers, who don’t have sex, except with the occasional boy, and they live a sweet, pampered life in a special city. It’s a bitch. Also, they are all men and have never been pregnant and can’t comprehend giving birth, or dying during childbirth, or the many complicated aspects of carrying a child, so they make harsh rules about abortion. It has nothing to do with them not being able to have a child, or sex.

Anyway, this week an awesome Archbishop of Brazil, named Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, faced a very tough choice: Be one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time, or not. He went with the first one.

Yes, read that correctly. The Catholic Church would very much like a nine-year-old girl, who was raped by her stepfather, to carry the twins to full term –– even if it would kill her.

The Church, of course, has the back of the archbishop.

Totally. The girl is supposed to die, unfortunately, at the age of nine, after being raped by her stepfather, so she could produce two motherless children, who would grow up knowing they were responsible for their mother’s death, so she could get into heaven. Thems the breaks.

Somebody better call the PR guys.

Finally, a plethora of Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Where to start with these amazing fucking idiots. Oh, I know, John Boehner.

Yes. During the worst economic crisis of our lifetime, the thing to do is to stop spending money. Everyone should stop spending. Government, the peoples, everyone. Because economies always do well when no one is spending money. That’s not at all the worst idea and won’t at all lead to the worst possible scenario. This guy is the most powerful Republican. Holy shit.

Next up, Boehner’s underling, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor.

Right. Because people losing their jobs and becoming uninsured will not at all have a negative effect on the already terrible economy. Heathcare is not one of the reasons we are suffering. Healthcare and the economy are totally unrelated. This guy is the second most powerful Republican in the House. Holy shit.

Next up, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina. You may have heard of South Carolina. It is #2 in unemployment, currently at an exciting 10.4%. So, what to do with that stimulus?

Yay! Check you out! Taking a stand based on no economic understanding!

I don’t want the money, but I don’t have any other ideas! Reform government! It’s bad. Make it good! This guy is running the state of South Carolina. Holy shit.

They actually don’t know a thing about economics. Hey kids, there are no monetary fixes because you and your peeps fucked everything up. The interest rates are at zero. The dollar is not worth a whole lot. All you’ve got left is debt. Welcome to what you created.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

America may, in the very near future, be harboring a war criminal from justice. His name is George W. Bush. Maybe a few war criminals, in fact. Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld and a few others. They sort of decided that if people weren’t wearing uniforms, they could be tortured and other exciting stuff. Because of what they were wearing. You know, their clothes. It’s a fabric defense. Good luck defending that genius idea in a world court.

At some point, Bush will certainly be indicted.

Sure. We all know we tortured people and that many of them were probably innocent. The world doesn’t usually go for this sort of thing. The only way to possibly avoid an ugly black mark is if we take care of our own business, but that’s not going to happen because some Democrats in Congress were aware of and approved of the torture. So, it will come down to a world court, in which an ex-president of the United States will be accused and indicted for war crimes. Hold your heads high, Americans.

A trial will probably never occur, because the US doesn’t recognize the court at The Hague and would definitely block the UN Security Council from issuing an order. Also, we would never give him up. So, that will be good. We will then live in limbo until Bush dies. Many people across the world will want Bush and Rumsfeld brought to justice, but no such thing will occur. How's this for a future headline?

Sounds good, doesn't it? Totally warms my heart. America will be a country harboring fugitives for many years. There will be no getting over it, no getting past it, because there will be no resolution. It will be an awesome shame we will all live with everyday, that we can pile on top of our current heap, which includes The Jonas Brothers, Baywatch, that Hiroshima thing, the Shah of Iran and Mama’s Family.

As the years go by, we will learn more and more about the horrible, illegal acts committed by Bush and company. The evidence will mount. The disturbing truth will slowly be revealed and we will circle our wagons around the guy nobody seems to like, because he’s our guy we don’t like. You can’t not like the guy we don’t like. Back the fuck off.

He will remain with us and become our great shame until his death. He will be like a tumor, slowly eating away, but never killing us. We could cut the tumor out. I would actually prefer to remove it with a shotgun, but we won’t because we are weak. And we don’t really believe in the law and human rights, as we pretend to do. We believe in politics and not rocking the boat to avoid “the other party” from taking over. Meanwhile, this will eat at us every single day. Seriously, why don’t you let a wanted pedophile stay in your basement and see how it makes you feel? Bush tortured many people, and if a number of reports are to be believed, many died during torture. I’m pretty sure that’s a bad thing.

Bush is a criminal and we should allow whatever evidence is out there to be presented in a court of law. If we don’t, we can’t say shit about guys like Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. We are also going to spend a couple of decades feeling like total dirtbags.

So, that will be nice.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Smell that? That’s the smell of Asshole Fuckfaces. It kind of smells like someone opened up a pig’s anus and inserted hate. It’s not pleasant at all. Now you understand my suffering. I spend my week knee deep in this nonsense for you. Someday I’ll just snap and take a few of you out. But until that time, I mine the world for the worst of the worst. I then present them to you for mocking and scorn, which you seem to have mastered quite well. So, put on your favorite rubber sheet because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some past president Asshole Fuckfacery.

George W. Bush. Don’t expect that name to disappear from the Roundup for a long, long time. For the next few years, we will be wading through his plethora of heinous and criminal acts. This week, we learned of some very disturbing Bush activities, though it was not at all surprising. Would you be surprised to know a rat gnawed on the eyeball of a corpse? Well, you shouldn’t be, especially around my house. Same goes for the activities of one George Asshole Fuckface Bush.

Fuck yeah! Why not? Let’s tear this fucker up! Someone attacked us, we don’t know who it is, so it’s a government free for all! Weeeeeee.

Goddamn press and their dirty reporting. First thing we need to do to save the country is to get rid of that horrible number one thing the Founding Father put on that stupid Constitution thingy.

Timely. Thanks for getting around to that.

Remember all those “crazy conspiracy nuts” you were making fun of because they kept talking about Bush giving himself the power to declare martial law and take over the country? Well, they were saying that because Bush was giving himself the power to declare martial law and take over the country. How about that? Now go apologize, you dick.

John Yoo, one of America’s greatest Asshole Fuckfaces. Disbar the fuck and fire him from UC Berkeley, immediately.

Next up, more Republican Asshole Fuckfacing.

Let’s face it, the Republican Party is so full of duplicitous hypocrites it is astounding. There is no end to their shocking activities and shameless threats. This week, they rolled out an epic warning, so staggering in its audaciousness, it should be framed and put in the Smithsonian in the “What the fuck?” wing.

First, lets climb into the old time machine and go waaaaaay back to 2004. Republicans were running the show and they wanted to do things their way – all the time. They especially didn’t like the Democrats keeping Bush’s radical right wing judges from receiving Congressional approval.

Yes. The “nuclear option.”

TYRANNY! Those motherfuckers were using their powers given to them by The Constitution to stop extremists from being put on the bench! How fucking dare they!

The Republican majority never used the nuclear option, mostly because using the talking point was more effective politically than altering the way Congress works to approve 4.3% of Bush’s nominees. But now the crazy Asshole Fuckfaces are the loser party and well, they are Republicans...

Wait. What? Did I just drink seven bottles of tequila? Are these crazy fucks, who are vastly outnumbered in the Senate, actually telling the president to pick the last Asshole Fuckface’s nominees?

Um. No. Welcome to not winning.

I don’t….they….but…I thought…wait…

I’m sorry. Do you Asshole Fuckfaces seem to believe you are engaging in bipartisanship? Because you are actually engaged in dickishness. Right now I want to punch something, then explode. I now want to be tiny chunks of flesh covering my walls. It’s the only reasonable reaction to complete and total insanity.

Obama should just copy Orren Hatch’s letter from 2005.

Perish slowly. Thank you.

Next up, some Spanish Asshole Fuckfacery.

Spain. Wow. Not only do fans in their soccer stadiums make monkey noises when black players touch the ball, but they also have a bit of a problem with gay people.

Isaac Ali Dani Peréz Triviño and Julio Anderson Luciano were a gay couple living together in the Spanish province of Vigo. On January 13th, 2006, they met an Asshole Fuckface named Jacobo Piñeiro Rial. Isaac worked at a gay bar, where Jacobo went to do some coke and have a few drinks. At the end of his shift, Isaac invited Jacobo back to the couple’s apartment –– because he needed a place to stay. Julio arrived around 10:30.

After they went to bed, Jacobo decided to kill them at around 4 in the morning. He stabbed Isaac first, and then went after Julio, who he stabbed 24 times. Isaac barricaded himself the bedroom. But Jacobo broke in and stabbed Isaac 34 times, until he died. Jacobo tried to make it appear that a robbery had gone wrong, then set the house on fire. He was caught two days later, with a suitcase full of the couple's possessions.

His trial was this week and it went very well for him. He used the “I’m scared of gay people defense.”

The old double gay rape knife strip. Also known as “fiction.”

Look, if I do blow and get ripped for two days, I can kill what whomever I want. Know why? My judgment is all fucked up. That’s how blow works. Also, after almost being raped and murdered, I will always wash up in the shower and set the home on fire. That’s just how I roll.

Jacobo was acquitted of the murders by the jury of Asshole Fuckfaces. Protests are planned tomorrow in Vigo, Madrid and Barcelona.

Finally, some epic Asshole Fuckface mothering.

Genine Compton was having a bitch of a morning. First she had to take the kids to school. Total bummer. Second, she had to feed the baby. Double bummer. So why not combine the two?

It’s called managing your time. So what if a tiny fender bender would crush that baby’s skull like a grape? Shit is getting done. Oh, hold on, I have a call.

Obviously, she was steering with her other breast. What is she supposed to do, not take the call? Let the baby go all hungry and shit? It’s called parenting.

Fuck yeah you will. Because you are mom of the year.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

The Republican self-destruction has transitioned from amusing to completely ridiculous. I’d like to say Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s response to Obama’s speech is their bottom, but I really don’t think it is. Republicans appear to be a rare type of animal that have no ability to learn and adapt. It’s not often you get to watch people run into a burning house, but that is exactly what they are doing.

It is, quite simply, amazing to watch.

For those of you who missed Bobby Jindal’s epic career ending speech, take a look.



This is the guy Republicans decided was going to out Obama Obama. Maybe Republicans haven’t noticed, but Obama is pretty good with words. Jindal speaks like he’s meeting each word for the first time. But that’s not even the most disturbing aspect of this mess. The content is the problem –– and it’s something Republicans still don’t get.

For quite a long time, I thought Republicans like Jindal were members of the Reagan cult. But they are not. It is now clear they are members of the George W. Bush/Karl Rove/Rush Limbaugh cult. This speech was littered with lies, spin and shockingly outdated ideas. It’s as if they haven’t learned a thing since 1992. They came to power during a time when the press was, quite simply, not doing their job. Republicans were free to do as they liked, without any sort of pesky oversight. Now these clowns are attempting to operate in the same manner and they are being eviscerated as a result.

Bobby had no idea his remarks would be picked over and analyzed, (because he doesn't know how the Internet works), so he lied. He lied to make Republican policies fit reality. Here’s a tip: If you have to lie to make your policies seem decent –– you’re not doing so well. Here’s another tip: Just because a guy has brown skin, it doesn’t mean he’s the answer to the new black guy.

The fact that Republicans chose this awkward man to make their rebuttal speech is quite sad. This is supposed to be their new shining star. This was the guy who was going to hit it out of the park. Why? Because he is clinging to the same ideas that lost Republicans control of the House, the Senate and the White House. Not only is he sticking with those failed ideas, but he’s also brown. What's not to love? He's saying stuff old white guys say –– BUT HE'S BROWN. It's like God gave the GOP a gift basket, except when they opened the gift basket, they discovered it was full of turds.

Jindal is far from the only Republican who doesn’t realize it’s not the '90s. The new Republican Party leader, Michael Steele, explained to the faithful at CPAC this week that the GOP made some mistakes.

“My bad?” Really? Well, I guess we’re going to act like we’re surfers who just fought over a wave. Yes, your bad with the whole ruining the economy and lying us into war. And in true Republican style, Michael then decided to keep on keeping on.

Good. Keep it that way. CPAC is a disaster for the GOP. Every year, conservatives get together to watch their leaders give speeches they can masturbate to. And the press goes –– and they report back on the insane, completely out of touch nonsense that has taken place. The GOP's rhetoric and fear-mongering about “socialism” is a classic example from this year’s cult gathering.

Totally. Stalin would probably have voted for Obama. Stalin was super into Universal Health INSURANCE. Historians say that each day upon waking, Stalin would say to himself, “How can we get more insurance up in this bitch?” Stalin was all about keeping private businesses, which people need to survive, alive and kicking, instead of replacing them with government run healthcare. If anything, he is best known for working with private companies to implement national health INSURANCE. Oh, and he killed 20 million people.

Every time these idiots open their mouths, they show themselves to be extremists. The last thing Americans want is extremists running the show. We sort of had that for the past 8 years and it didn’t go too well. Republicans should be taking things in a new direction. That’s what anyone with awareness would do after two brutally devastating elections in a row. Instead, they have decided the best thing to do is go full steam ahead, deeper into the valley of lies and insanity.

Totally. Get back to calling Democrats Socialists. Go backwards. Way, way backwards. To a time before the Internet, when one could blatantly lie during the State of the Union rebuttal. Constantly throw the term “socialist” around, even though most people under 30 could give a shit and don’t see it as the terrifying threat the old folks do. Why don’t they see it as a threat? Well, probably because you clowns have been calling people who are not socialists, “socialist” for so long, the true meaning of the label is gone. Poof. You ruined your own boogyman, idiots.

Sure, some of you tools will say that liberals do the same thing. You are right, many liberals called Bush a fascist. Many. Just not THEIR FUCKING LEADERS. Not the people running the party. And they certainly didn’t do it when Bush was insanely popular after 9/11, mostly because they have a brain in their head and the tiniest bit of political awareness. People love Obama. His ratings are very high. Which means the way to beat him is not to attack him and call him names, but to come up with what you consider to be better ideas. By attacking him, you are attacking the majority of people who support him. That’s obviously a FAIL.

But Republicans have decided the way to go is in the direction of willful and blustery ignorance. Those arguing for another way, well…

You're not in good shape when Tucker Carlson is the voice of reason. But that's their answer. “No.”

No to reality.

No to facts.

No to a future.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Today I am writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup from the jury assembly room in Burbank, California. It seems an appropriate place, considering so many Asshole Fuckfaces are awaiting their fate. Also, I’m in Burbank, a pit of hideousness and heinousness. I cannot wait to declare some poor bastard guilty and recommend the death penalty – no matter the crime. I am the ultimate juror. But before I send a criminal to their doom, I will present to you this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. They are a disturbing group. I have scoured the news of the world in order to find them, so you can mock their very existence. I’m a very nice person. So, put on your favorite flight suit because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some spectacular Asshole Fuckfacery out of Colorado.

Meet Republican State Senator Scott Renfroe. He likey Jesus and no likey gays! While debating a gay rights bill on Monday, Scotty let loose with some delightful comments.

Um. Wait. Killing someone is the same as a dude blowing a dude? Really? Because in one case, someone is dead, gone from the planet, causing his family incredible pain, and in the other case, a dude is fantastically satisfied and probably needs a nap. So, I see a bit of a difference. Also, adultery is legal in a bunch of places. A bunch. Oh, and just being a “homosexual” isn’t illegal.

Really? Why did he make the anus such an awesome thing to put your cock in? I mean, seriously, the anus is like a suitcase made for lugging around cock. Shouldn’t God have put some little thorns in the rectum, or something? As it stands now, the anus seems to actually have been made for the cock, like beans and rice. Are you going to ban the combining of beans and rice next? I didn’t think so. Oh, and as far as the “procreate” thing goes…if I slam my cock into a lady and empty my man juice in there, can I then put it into a fella? I mean, it has done its “procreating” and now needs a bit of a vacation. And what better place for a holiday than in a manus?

Please say that to my wife. Please. Then cover your balls, you Neanderthal.

Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who doesn’t love McDonalds? Well, me, actually. I’d rather eat turds. And I do. But that has nothing to do with this tale of horror. Last summer, Nigel Hasket was working at a McDonald’s in Little Rock, Arkansas, when he noticed a male customer punching a female customer in the face. Now, Nigel realized very quickly that such activity does not jive with the “I’m Loving It” slogan. She was clearly not loving It. So, Nigel intervened and threw the punch-happy Perry Kennon out and blocked the door.

Well, now nobody was Loving It.

Keenon was arrested and charged with first-degree battery. Thankfully, Nigel survived. He has had three surgeries and racked up over 300K in medical bills. Naturally, McDonald’s would rather not pay any of that.

McDonald’s: Where Beating Your Woman Is Super Cool.

Next up, more corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Working for a bank these days seems a bit like being a Viking in the old days. Just raping and pillaging your day away, without a thought about the horrible things you are doing. Take the good folks from Northern Trust, a Chicago-based bank. Last year, they received $1.6 billion clams of prime US grade money from the government. And this week, they had a kick-ass west coast party.

Oh, there’s more. This party is just getting started.

I think that may have actually been a punishment for some employees.

Northern Trust also sponsored a golf tournament this weekend. They aren’t disclosing how much of the $6.3 million dollar purse they covered, or the operating costs. Thankfully, the bank is run by financial geniuses.

But their sacrifice paid for a kick ass weekend, so it’s a win-win.

Oh, no. See, you are mixed up. We paid for this out of a different pile of money. You are thinking of the other pile of money. This sweet vacation came from the money with a different name on it. I understand your confusion.

Does Tiffany’s make diamond encrusted guillotines?

Finally, let’s head back to Colorado for more Asshole Fuckfacery.

Colorado, what up? When did you become the Asshole Fuckface capital of the United States? First we had Scott babbling about gays and their perceived naughtiness and now we have Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis opening his dumb hole about HIV and how the ladies love fuckin.

Yesterday, a bill was rolling through the Colorado Legislature that would require HIV tests for pregnant women. Everyone seemed to think this was a good idea –– except Dave. He crawled out of his hate hole and blurted out this gem.

Fuck yeah, bro! Why should a child not come into the world with HIV because mommy was a-fuckin? Lord knows there is no other way for a woman to get sweet HIV. She certainly wouldn’t get it if her husband was banging every dude at a rest stop, without her knowledge.

Fuck you, hippy! Go back to your land of cocks, whore!

Look, maybe we are all jumping to conclusions. Maybe, Dave is just a bit confused and he doesn’t want babies born with AIDS or HIV. He took the night to think about it and has issued a more clear statement.

Oh. My. God. AIDS baby = punishment for excessive fucking. Jesus would be super into this stance.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

America is clearly overburdened with morons. They are a loud, uneducated group of people who live by one slogan: Taxes Are Bad. No matter the situation, taxes are bad, because government is bad. They’ve now gone as far as to start two glorious wars and combined them with some juicy tax cuts, because, if you are going to spend over a trillion dollars, by all means don’t pay for it. They’ve ruined our country with fiscal irresponsibility and they’d like to fix that – with tax cuts. They created a mythological character named Reagan and now they would very much like to follow him to the bottom of the sea. The only problem is, they are going to take the rest of us with them.

The tax-cut-only-Republicans are no different than crazy religious parents who don’t take their kids to the hospital because they believe in prayer. Much like those kids, our country is dying. Taxes are how we pay for this crazy thing called society. With an endless stream of tax cuts, we end up with what we have now: Schools in shocking disrepair, fewer teachers, bridges, roads and highways falling apart, horrible traffic congestion, sicker people, more crime, oh, and enormous debt, which handicaps the government’s ability to deal with recessions and depressions.

But, the government can’t do anything right, so we have to cut taxes. All one has to do is look at the amazing success of Wall Street over the past year to see how brilliant of a statement this is. Or the shocking disaster of privatizing the Iraq War, where private companies turn so many things into colossal piles of shit, at a far higher cost than if the government had done the work. Yes, private companies are the way to success and government is the way to failure. Lewis Black said it best.



Yeah. It’s people. Turns out mistakes can and will be made, whether it is government or private companies. Who would have thought? I’m actually super pleased with our socialized fire departments. Back in the day, they were private companies, but now they are paid for by the government. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. Our crazy, hippy highway system was fucking sweet when the government made it. After years of starving it to death, it has lost a bit of its luster, but still, not bad. Taxes promote general welfare, which is, you know, kind of a good thing.

What are you five? Yes, everybody fucks up sometimes. The fact that you can't see the good the government has done is absolutely pathetic. If your kid makes a mistake, why don’t you take him out in the backyard and kill him with a shovel? I mean, he made a mistake, after all. By all means, don’t attempt to fix the situation. Don’t show him a different way. The idea that the government always screws up is such juvenile and pathetic thinking it is astounding, as is the idea it is not repairable. Completely fucking astounding. You have the analytic ability of a hamster.

More than anything, it’s the rigidity of the position. Saying tax cuts is always the way to go is nothing short of cult like. Always saying government needs to be smaller is childish. Government needs to be more efficient, which has nothing to do with size. Everything needs to be more efficient. We should always be looking for ways to streamline. Unfortunately, we usually don’t notice something is wrong until there is a problem – you know, because we are human beings. We certainly didn’t notice our awesome, kick ass, private mortgage industry was giving home loans to hobos until it was too late. (And if you blame the housing meltdown solely on Freddie and Fanny, you are unread and, really, very stupid).

The Reagan trickle down tax cut policy is now believed to be a sound economic policy by too many people. It is a sham, a fool’s game, a myth and extremely irresponsible. The wasteland that is California is the future of America. And yet, the idea of tax cuts being a healing elixir is believed by so many that Democrats now tout their tax cut prowess. That’s why we’re doomed. People have bought into the idea of “small government," but when asked about individual programs provided by the government, they love them. It’s a broad and stupid argument that has won and will lead to our doom. There is no one-way to do things, there are many. Once you come to believe there is only one way, like the Republican hoard, you are pretty much doomed. I find it baffling that so many hold such ignorant beliefs with such religious veracity. I look around and I just don’t know what’s happening, only that it spells ruin.

Oh, and Reagan raised taxes three times, you clown fuckers.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Hello, Minions. It’s been an entire and brutal week since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup, which means you have spent 6 days in a vacuous wasteland. Thankfully, I am here to remedy the situation. Once again, I have scoured the world’s news to find the worst humans and I will now present them to you for mocking and a bit of vomiting. So, put on your favorite leather apron because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some impressive Utahan Asshole Fuckfacery.

They really make some awesome specimens up in Utah. This week’s Asshole Fuckface is State Senator Chris Buttars. You’re not going to believe this, but the guy with “Butt” in his name is a Republican –– and he hates gays. Shocking, I know.

A local Utah TV station got their filthy little mitts on a portion of an upcoming documentary about California’s Proposition 8, in which Chrissie makes some bold and inspiring statements.

Nuts, I tell you! People almost act like Chrissie is saying something bad. It’s crazy!

Totally fucking nailed it. Gay people are like drunks. Gay drunks are like pedophiles. Gay drunk pedophiles are priests. This logic goes on and on, forever. I think you get the point.

Indeed. Gays are flying their gay planes into our straight buildings. Frankly, it needs to stop.

Word. I think we can all agree that if a man puts his penis into another man’s bottom, or takes another man’s cock into his sweet, wet mouth, our entire society will crumble. I don’t know how anyone can argue anything else. We need to especially keep on the look out for buddy-to-buddy cock rub parties. Once those take hold, you may as well fly this whole country into a building.

Next up, more crazy gay Asshole Fuckface fear in San Diego.

In 2007, four San Diego firefighters were “forced” to take part in a Gay Pride Parade. Apparently, it was a horrifying experience. So, firefighters Ghiotto, Allison, Kane and Hewitt sued the state for one million dollars each, claiming they were sexually harassed.

Aw, did the gay people think you were gay because you were wearing firefighter uniforms? Listen, gentlemen, you’re firemen. You don’t have to take part in a gay pride parade for me to think you’re gay.

Oh, noes! Did some gay guys blow kisses at you during a gay pride parade? How did you survive, you enormous fucking cowards?

Oh, dear. Obviously we can’t have “material” being delivered via the mail. Someone’s got to pay for this!

Cool, now we can officially call you queers. Sounds fair.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famer returns!

Republican Representative Michele Bachmann is an example of what happens to people when they just read the one book. She can’t stop her mouth from spouting horrible words. This week was no different. Michele has apparently been doing quite a bit of thinking about the economic crisis we are facing and understands the problem.

Fuckin A. Somebody finally had the balls to say it. We are so short on rich people it is insane. It’s almost at the point where you don’t see a Lamborghini when you make a trip to the soup kitchen.

Was Michele done? Good God no. Her head is a cavern of endless dumb.

Like, they totally don’t like it. Only Republicans likey capitalism. And Jesus. He was a huge fan of capitalism.

Wow. It’s a super double secret federal indictment, because no one else has even heard of it. It is astounding that a group dedicated to community organization would get stimulus money when it should obviously go to rich people –– which we are totally lacking.

And he’s going to turn all the nation’s unicorns into ducks! Oh, and having been a community organizer is a bad thing. You know, like Jesus Christ.

Finally, we’re going to close with some awesome Chinese Asshole Fuckfacery.

The economy is not doing so well in China, either. People are losing their jobs, people are losing their fortunes and some poor bastards are being forced to cut back on their mistresses.

A Chinese businessman, who has only been identified as Fan, was forced to pair down his five mistresses to just one. As I said, the economy is a bitch. Fan decided, because he is an Asshole Fuckface, the best way to deal with the layoffs was to hold a contest. Winner gets to keep fucking for rent.

Obviously, Fan is quite the gentleman. The first mistress eliminated was a woman known as Yu.

Wow. That is really great. Warms the heart, doesn’t it? As a 29-year-old woman recently let go from her job as mistress, Yu was obviously upset, so she concocted a plan.

Oh, God, don’t let her drive…

First rule of Mistress Elimination Club –– don’t let eliminated women drive. Same goes for American Idol. And Tool Academy.

Well, I’m saddened to hear Fan did not die, but excited to learn who will win! Keep us posted, Fan!


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.

Catch him Friday and Saturday at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco

President Obama will visit Ottawa on Thursday. On the agenda are talks regarding the tanking economy, Canada’s withdrawal from Afghanistan in 2011, energy securtiy and Alberta’s oilsands. You can bet Arctic sovereignty will receive at least passing mention, though how far either Obama or Prime Minister Harper are willing to run with it is another question. No real news, there.

State-side, Obama very recently signed off on an almost $800 billion dollar bailout package, while the Federal government here has been busy dolling out the money from our own $40 billion deficit spending spree.

Bruce Campbell, not the actor of B-movie fame but the director of Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, a left-wing think tank, recently released a report condemning the Harper government for “piggybacking” on the American stimulus package while failing to offer any genuine leadership or initiative to combat the failing economy at home. "Rather than talking about the virtues of free trade with the American president, the Conservative government should be implementing its own 'Buy Canada' policy in order to create jobs here in Canada," Campbell told the CBC.

Indeed, the NDP party was quick to champion a “buy Canadian” amendment to the federal budget, a suggestion that was dismissed with contempt by the Conservatives and, of course, not included in the final budget. Obama, for his part, told Canadians they “shouldn’t be too concerned” with Buy American provisions when he talked to CBC news on Tuesday, February 17, 2009.

In a conversation with Chris Hedges, political philosopher Sheldon S. Wolin spoke of the many troubles facing the Obama administration in the months to come:

As if the shitty economy wasn’t enough, the unraveling situation in Afghanistan refuses to go away too, and Canada is ready to get the hell out when our commitment ends in 2011. To date, over one hundred Canadian soldiers have died in Afghanistan, and with very little that any politician can show for it. For his part, Obama has angered many of those of the anti-war persuasion by committing to raise troop levels in Afghanistan by over 50% in the coming months, something that amounts to approximately 17,000 troops being sent to the area if the New York Times is to be believed.

With such doom and gloom on all major fronts, it is easy to see how Obama and Harper will be unwilling to talk in depth about the “dirty oil” problem facing North America’s energy security. It’s just too goddamn sticky.

However, the pesky issue that many would rather was swept under the carpet is being thrust into the limelight by affected Micisew Cree and Athabasca Chipewyan First Nations and the environmental group Forest Ethics, who placed a full page advertisement in USA Today urging the President to consider the implications of using “the diritiest oil on Earth.”

Alberta, for their part, denounced the whole ad as nothing but special interest groups raising disproportionately loud voices, citing their recent “20 Year Plan” for “Greening the Oilsands” as proof of their commitment to the “sustainability” of oil sands development. The 50-page document published by the provincial government, however, offers no insight into how this will be accomplished.

Like a true optimist, Obama told CBC’s The National that “technology” will solve the filthy problems created by stripping the oil out of Alberta’s bitumen deposits. The issue has long been on the people''s agenda for Obama's trip. As a president who made Change his trademark, pulling America from the teat of cheap oil has got to be among his top priorities. He is undoubtedly going to lean on Canada, in some way, to take one for the team, or so he would have Peter Mansbridge believe.

I have no illusions that the grip Canada or America has on the teat will lessen voluntary any time soon, but better we let up now and save ourselves the trauma of a violent separation later.

Speaking of violent separation, Harper has also said he would not even consider bringing up the case of Omar Khadr with the visiting president. All three opposition parties have publicly called upon the Prime Minister to appeal on behalf of Khadr, who was arrested as a minor in Afghanistan in 2002, and who has been held, since, in Guantanamo Bay. That’s shitty, hey?

So, when Obama and Harper are hanging out Thursday, enjoying Ottawa’s finest beef on the public’s tab, we can all rest assured they will be talking about “issues that matter.” Our respective media establishments have assured us that it is so, and thus we can go on with our dreary, doom filled day with no fear: America’s president and his semi-elected Canadian counterpart are on the case. Hell, Obama’s friends with Spider-Man, right? Shit, no problem! They got this shit on lock-down, right? Right?!?


Dean Jensen lives in Winnipeg, MB, where he writes for The Manitoban.

These are exciting times for America. A new leader is rising out of the ashes and he could be dumber and brasher than anyone we’ve seen in quite some time. I’m referring to Eric Cantor, Virginia Republican and the GOP House Whip. I would not be surprised to learn that he feeds off brains of the mentally impaired to increase his special skills.

You may remember Cantor from last year, when he threw a tantrum because Nancy Pelosi was not nice to him and stuff during the bailout discussions.



What up, high school? I do love it when a Republican cries like a bitch about someone being partisan. It’s shockingly transparent, horribly ironic, only caters to the base and makes lawmakers like Cantor look like small, small children. This particular tantrum was a total failure, unless one wants to be mocked, in which case it was wildly successful.

Now Cantor is loving his role as the House Whip with the irrelevant party. He’s blowing his wad each and everyday, apparently. This weekend he made a kick ass You Tube video.



Congrats? I know it’s a spectacular achievement to not do anything, especially as a large group. Just the other day, some friends and I were going to go to dinner, then we decided not to. WIN! I quickly made a video using the song “We Are The Champions” by Queen.

This is the new Republican Party. They are seriously embracing the loserism. They have decided to brag, with music, about not doing anything. One of their new emerging leaders, Eric “Fuck No” Cantor, has decided the way to go over the next two years will be to do nothing. And do nothing hard fucking core.

Maybe Eric doesn’t remember 10 years ago, when Newt Gingrich shut the government down because he thought people were tired of the government working. Turned out people were not tired of the government working. Turned out when you just hang around with Republican blowhards, repeating the same points to each other over and over, you start to believe all America thinks that way. Then you try it out and, well, fail, because Americans don’t hate government. They just want it to work efficiently. When Newt shut down the government, he killed his career, so, why not emulate that?

The difference between Newt and Cantor is that Cantor appears to be far, far dumber. At least Newt was riding a Republican wave of success, as a GOP leader who helped take Congress back from Democrats. Cantor is just a shocking idiot who helped lead Republicans to epic losses and would very much like to dig a deeper hole. Americans just stated via their ballots that they are not as Conservative as Congressional Republicans. Cantor, naturally, thinks Republicans should now be more Conservative. Obama just kicked the living shit out of McCain, riding a wave of bipartisan hope. Cantor has decided to respond by being as uncooperative as possible. It’s actually quite stunning to witness, like watching the village idiot lick an electrical wire in slow motion.

Cantor has been open about the fact that he has decided to follow the Newt plan. Oh, and he’s been saying he is also going to follow the Winston Churchill plan.

Damn right. Winston fucking Churchill.

Oh. Oops. But, see, I’m a Republican and we just make shit up about history and go with it.

Expect to see more and more of this over the next two years.

Um. Yeah. Okay.

It’s cute. Too bad for guys like Cantor, the Internet exists. People will forever be reminded that he and his kind voted to add almost a trillion dollars of debt with the Bush tax cuts in 2001. Everyone knows Bush and the Republicans got us here.

I say, go Canter go. Do not do anything to give the American public the idea that Republicans understand the mistakes that have been made and can adapt accordingly. Nope. Just keep on this path and follow Little Newt. Cantor is the perfect man to lead today’s Republicans off a cliff, into a thresher, which will catch on fire, be hosed off, put into a dump truck, taken to land fill and buried.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

I am writing this Asshole Fuckface Roundup on an aeroplane. I am in the sky, flying far above all the disgusting Asshole Fuckfaces in the US of A, while I write about their horrible activities. I will then place the Roundup on the newswire because I am flying on Virgin American, which has wifi on the FUCKING AIRPLANE. This, of course, makes all US airlines complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. I wish them luck in their future failure. Now, on to the mockery and assault on this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces.

First up, some Saudi Arabian Asshole Fuckfacery.

You know what’s awesome about religion? It allows you to be a pedophile. Pedophilia was pretty common and accepted behavior for Christian priests in Europe during medieval times, so why can’t the Muslims do it, since they are a good 500 years behind Christianity?

I feel all warm and tingly. Mostly because I just shit myself and threw up at the same time. This is your standard, mother and father separate, and then father sells their 8-year-old daughter to an old man for cash. I think Muhammad would have totally dug this kind of shit.

Hey, bro, you know how you bought that car you can’t afford and that computer and that house and that camel? Well, I know an awesome way for you to get out of that –- speaking, of course, as one of your good friends. All you have to do is sell your own daughter to a pedophile. Then you’re totally OUT OF DEBT. Hello? I see no downside. Also, I'm the pedophile.

Totally reasonable. You can finger her relentlessly until then, however.

Next up, some fantastic right wing Asshole Fuckfacing.

You probably have never heard of JoAnne Silver Jones. She’s an “anti-racist activist.”

She’s doing what she can to make the world a better place. Sadly, last month, she was mugged and beaten badly.

She’s still in the hospital undergoing several surgeries to repair her hands, eyes and face. So, why is this story in the Roundup? Well, check out what the awesome folks over at The Right Perspective have to say in their comments on this story.

Okay, wait. That one's reasonable.

On and on it goes. It is a spectacular display or heinous ignorance. Of course, just to the right of the comments is a quote from Barry Goldwater.

Word up, Barry. Your followers are fucking awesome.

Next up, some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard to put into words just how shockingly pathetic our media is. Take the good people over at ABC. They wanted to point out the shocking hypocrisy of Obama criticizing Wall Street CEOs for abusing the bailout money by flying in expensive airplanes and giving away massive bonuses.

Totally. The fucking preznit gets a house and shit. Which is, like, so fucked up. Why this asshole Obama isn’t paying rent, I’ll never know. Freeloader. And that’s not all.

What a douche. Getting paid a bunch of money to run the country.

Okay, now I’m angry. Fly coach, you greedy fuck. Why is you sticking it to us taxpayers?

I’m so angry right now. Security? We are paying for fucking security? What kind of bullshit is this? Can’t he pay fer it with his God damn $400,000? And how about you rent out of few of those rooms, dick?

How the fuck can this asshole say CEOs shouldn't buy $50 million dollar jets and try to restrict their salaries when he is the world’s biggest freeloader? Wake up, sheeple!

And finally, it’s more media Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our media is awesome. When faced with insanely important issues, like going to war in Iraq and our current economic crisis, they really step their shit up.

Yeah, because we wouldn’t want people who have some sort of understanding of the issue to debate it. I mean, it’s only the biggest disaster we’ve faced since the Great Depression, so why have an informed discussion? Lets just stick with the politicians. And while we’re at it, let’s just stick with a certain type of politician.

Sure. I mean, why wouldn’t we want mostly to hear from the guys who led us into the Iraq War and whose policies led us to economic ruin? What could possibly be wrong with that? I mean, that totally won’t embolden a few “moderate” idiots who will cut stimulus without any economic reasoning for doing so.

Totally fucking moronic. Nelson and Collins drew a random line in the sand and demanded that is what the stimulus should be. Apparently $890 billion is too much but $780 billion is totally fine. He and his kind cut down the stimulus because of random number fear. Literally random.



Thank God that guy had such a big influence on the stimulus. He’s not a fucking idiot at all.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.

California is officially a complete and total disaster. Our system of government is set up to fail. We have, as a populace, made such amazingly shortsighted and childlike decisions, that we now face economic doom. The death of California began in 1978 with Proposition 13 and has continued on the same path of stupidity and greed ever since. Prop 13 set the stage for the Republicans to cut taxes and not pay as you go all across the country. California is what America is going to be, so watch our state’s destruction closely. It’s pretty pathetic.

Prop 13 decreased property taxes 30 percent and created a cap on future rates of increase. I guess the idea was that the state would then stop spending money. FAIL. I remember that year well, because it’s the year I started riding my bike miles to school because the buses stopped. Oh and the junior high school three blocks from my home closed, so I had to ride my bike down a busy street three miles to school, where I enjoyed larger class sizes and mobile home classrooms. Still bitter. Prop 13 then spread like a virus across the US. Within 5 years, almost half the states had passed similar laws handicapping politician’s ability to raise taxes.

Some crazy asshole named Warren Buffet thinks Prop 13 is a bit of a joke.

Sweet.

So, why are other states not suffering as horribly as California? Because we let the people vote to spend money on shit we can’t afford. Our wonderful ballot provision system, which allows the population to pass bonds with a simple majority vote, creates a lot of spending without all those horrible taxes to pay for it. So, politicians have to pay for it out of the general fund, which leads to massive deficits. Think a new drug treatment program is needed? Just get some signatures and throw that fucker up on the ballot. Want more spending for community colleges? Get yourself a proposition. How about rebates for peeps who buy cars that don’t run on gasoline? Get a fucking proposition up in this bitch! It’s been going on like this for years and now we find ourselves paying for proposition after proposition. Some believe the total cost of our propositions is 10% of the budget – which just happens to be the amount of debt we are in. Huh. Welcome to the world of idiots, also known as pure democracy.

During good times, we pass 68% of our propositions, while during bad times, we get all smart and shit and only pass 23%. Of course, spending doesn’t stop when we go from the good times to the bad times, so we basically go ape fuck when the money is rolling in and then have to continue paying for it when it’s not.

Currently, our state government is in a stalemate. Republicans refuse to increase taxes because, apparently, they don’t want the state to pay its bills. The governor has ordered state employees to take two unpaid days off a week and the state is issuing IOUs instead of tax returns and other awesome stuff. Most grown ups realize you have to pay for shit. Republicans disagree. They want to cut spending on everything. You know, like those school buses that were cut and the school that was closed when I was a kid. We should apparently cut more buses and close more schools.

Schwarzenegger came into office because we recalled our last governor for lying about the budget, or some nonsense. Then he made it far, far worse. Since 2003, Schwarzenegger and the Legislature have spent $10.2 billion beyond the rate of inflation. The vast majority of that money was spent on programs Californians want. Which means we should pay for them. That’s how the adult world works, Republicans. Actual state government spending grew at a rate below that of inflation and population growth. The real cost came from voter initiatives and court lawsuits the state lost.

The biggest financial disaster of a ballot measure was the “3 strikes and you’re out” bullshit we passed in 1994. The amount of money we are now spending to keep non-violent criminals in jail for life is ridiculous. Again, that was a proposition passed by a simple majority vote of California idiots, because some local clown in Fresno knows better than a judge.

It’s not all about state ballot measures however. Our dipshit governor cut vehicle license fees as his first act. Total cost? Six billion dollars a year. Nice work. Seriously, that turned out really well, like The Last Action Hero.

This debt was doable during the okay times, but we are past those now. Now we are looking at a colossal disaster because our shockingly retarded system is even more shockingly retarded. The Legislature requires a two-thirds vote to raise taxes. So, a few Republicans are holding a largely liberal state hostage by not allowing us to raise taxes to pay for the shit we voted for. Maybe if we increased taxes, then people wouldn’t be so fucking excited to pass so many ballot measures. Ever think of that, you jackasses? Any state that allows ballot measures to pass with a majority vote, but won’t let elected officials increase taxes without a two-thirds vote is a complete and total asshole.

Yes, I just called the state of California an asshole. Grow up, you pathetic bitch.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.

This is a monumental day for the Roundup. We have moved to Friday. Not Saturday, as you heathens are accustomed to. I can only take it as a sign of the growing power and success of the Roundup. Asshole Fuckfaces beware. I, and my team (3 cats), will hunt you down using our keen skills and drag you into the light for all to mock. One of my cats is, as I write, attempting to find an Asshole Fuckface in the litter box. Wait. Scratch that. It seems my cat’s asshole has committed what I can only describe as heinous treachery. Speaking of heinous treachery and horrible segues, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is a doosey this week. People are horrible. Allow me to show you.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces do not use their vaginas responsibly.

Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old woman who decided to turn her vagina into a clown car. Up until last week, her vagina had produced a measly 6 children. “Why are you being so stingy, vagina?” she asked. “Fuck you,” said the vagina and this week showed her by producing 8 children. Eight. All at the same time. From one uterus.

Did I mention Nadya is unemployed? How great is that? Did I mention her parents sold their house to buy her a house to put the previous six kids in? Did I mention her parents then declared bankruptcy? Did I mention she had to undergo in vitro fertilization? Yeah, turns out the human body is not meant to produce eight babies at once. The way God planned it, if you were pregnant with eight children, you were supposed to bleed to death in a cave. But, not anymore! Now you can create eight precious welfare recipients.

Thank God there isn’t a fella in the picture.

What a pal. He should get some sort of good friend award.

Wait, God actually plugged her up, like a sink. He stuffed endless rags down there to stop the flow. Yet, it didn’t take. Yay, modern medicine!

It turns out Nadya had a plan after giving birth to her volleyball team: She wanted to work with Oprah as a childcare expert.

Um, no. To be a childcare expert, you can’t be crazy. It turns out just having eight babies cut out of your torso, like rancid spleens, does not make one an expert. People actually think it's bad form and quite creepy.

Bummer. Maybe the Asshole Fuckface doctor who agreed to implant all those eggs should have to pick up the cost.

Next up, Asshole Fuckface habits are hard to break.

Things seemed pretty awesome last Wednesday in Molo, Kenya. An oil tanker was passing through town, when it overturned on the highway. Sweet black gold!

It’s like a gift from God! Now, if there were only an Asshole Fuckface around to ruin the whole thing.

Jesus Christ, haven’t you ever seen The Birds? If that guy were still alive he would forever be known as the town Party Bummer. But, he’s dead and so are 100 other people. 117 more were wounded. All because Asshole Fuckface couldn’t wait another minute for a smoke?

Um. Wow. Bitter much?

Next up, some Boy Scout Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, the Boy Scouts. They teach our kids morals, like gays are bad. They also are a bunch of money-grubbing dicks. In 1947 conservationist Virgil McCracken gave the Scouts 400 acres of land in Idaho. He wanted them to turn it into a giant Boy Scout Camp.

Nice. A place for kids to go and experience nature. Or, a place for loggers to go to cut down trees.

What kind of badge to you receive for fucking over a dead guy?

Um. No.

Stay classy, Boy Scouts.

Finally, one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time.

Samira Jassam, 51, is a super religious Iraqi lady. She is also a Sunni Arab and is all about doing the wrong thing.

Wow. My barf just threw up. Yes, you read that correctly.

And now she is one of the worst people to ever walk the Earth. Although, Samira did not convince all of the victims to blow themselves up.

So, that leaves around 52 who are just living as victims of rape – unless of course they killed themselves or were killed by their family.

People like Samira should not be executed. She should be put into a cell that is covered in the skin of pigs and has a foot of pig’s blood on the floor. But that’s just me. I have a weird sense of justice.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.