Remember way back in 2004, when everyone from Hunter S. Thompson to that annoying dude who fucked up “Kashmir” were urging Americans to vote?

Zoila Meyer, a single mother of four living in Adelanto, California, was one of over 122 million Americans who hopped on the representative democracy bandwagon that year. In fact, she took it a step further. Not only did she register to vote, she decided to run for Adelanto’s City Council, filing her candidacy papers only 10 days before the deadline.

She never expected to actually win a seat on the City Council, so in true American underdog tradition, Zolia wound up winning the election.

Her electoral victory must have surprised someone else as well, since shortly thereafter one of her family members went to the authorities and got to snitchin’.

Zolia, who was originally born in Cuba and had been living in the United States since the age of one, might not actually be a US citizen. She just assumed she was a citizen, as many people who have been living in the United States since before they could talk might tend to do. This meant that when she cast her vote in the 2004 election, she was actually committing a felony.

Facing criminal charges, Zolia resigned from the Adelanto City Council only 10 weeks after taking office. She then applied to become a naturalized citizen, and struck a deal with the government. In 2006, Zolia pled guilty to the misdemeanor charge of “fraudulent voting,” paid a fine, and got probation. The fine citizens of Adelanto were thus spared having such a flagrant lawbreaker in their city government. Well, until the mayor and his wife were busted for stealing $20 grand from Little League fundraisers. Classy!

Just when you thought that was the happy ending, earlier this year the INS decided that Zolia’s guilty plea was enough reason to deport her. So now after being arrested (again), Zolia faces a court hearing in July to see if the horrible crime of voting will get her kicked out into Canada. That is, if she’s not actually an American citizen. Apparently nobody really knows if she is one or not, due to the complexity of immigration laws. At least the INS got to handcuff her and make her post bail.

I feel safer already.

Aside from the Second Amendment, nothing gets NRA members harder than the gun laws in the Switzerland. The government actually wants their citizens to have guns! Guns are available to any law-abiding applicant! In half of Switzerland people can get licensed to carry concealed weapons! There are an estimated 1.5 millions guns in Swiss homes. It is like NRA gun nirvana.

Jesus, are you as rock hard as I am?

What the guntards never want to tell you is that while guns are in many homes in Switzerland they have always tightly regulated these things called “bullets.” Ammunition is pretty important if you want to use your gun. That fact hasn’t stopped the NRA freaks from hailing Switzerland as the promised land of guns and bullets. But you better rub out your NRA hard on as soon as you can because it’s all coming to an end.

Yeah, a historic boner kill. Those behind the ammunition ban aren’t finished yet, as they plan on introducing an initiative to ban all military weapons in homes. The gun control bill will create a national gun registry and ban the use of personal automatic weapons. Why? Because 300 deaths a year are the result of firearms in homes and 33% of all suicides. Many deaths are a result of domestic disputes.

So, basically, the Swiss decided that having 300 people a year die was a good reason for gun control. We have about 30,000 people die a year. We win. If the number of domestic deaths and suicides drops, what will the NRA say then?

In 1997 I was on a college tour and had to open a bank account in Michigan for business reasons. The bank account manager was a Christian, who had absolutely no problem mixing religion and business. I recall her telling me that the show Friends was horrible and disgusting. Although she had never seen the show, she had filed a complaint with the FCC. She pretty much freaked me out by the lemming-like life she was living.

Today those Christians are still at it, but now they are causing broadcasting companies to lose money. Big companies don’t like to lose money and they are fighting back in court, as well as shining a light on their opponent’s bullshit tactics.

Two weeks ago, broadcast companies won a decision in the US Court of Appeals that overturned the FCC’s policy to “penalize fleeting expletives.” Network executives believe the ruling will lead to the reversal of the fines the FCC handed out for the Janet Jackson titty-showing incident in 2004.

Why? Well, because of our crazy right-wing friends. It turns out nearly all complaints sent to the FCC come from one source: the Parents Television Council. In one specific case, the FCC hit CBS with a record indecency fine of $3.3 million.

Jesus. A sexual orgy. CBS is getting hardcore. When did all this boy-girl fucking and sucking go down? During the crazy hardcore sex show Without A Trace. Personally, I have never gotten through one episode of Without A Trace without rubbing one out. The show is crazy hot. I can say this because I have never actually seen the show – and neither have any of the people who complained to the FCC about it.

PTC is a complaint machine. On their website they have a list of the worst 10 shows on television, as well as the worst show of the week. It would take all of one minute for some lemming to file a complaint about a show they have never seen. In this day and age, it is to be expected. The problem lies with the FCC for accepting them as real and fining companies because of false complaints.

In December 2004, Mediaweek revealed that the PTC generated 99.9% of all indecency complaints to the FCC.

And these fuckers have gotten their way with our idiotic Congress. Last week Congress gave final approval to raise indecency fines from the current $32,500 to $325,000 for each infraction. The fines apply to each individual network station, not the network as a whole. One fine could seriously harm a network. Oh, and the PTC is lobbying for the same fines to be applied to Cable. If the Christians don't think they are going to get the shit kicked out of them by corporate lawyers, then they are in for a big surprise.

As a nation we are practically forcing Bush and Cheney to attack Iran because of our relentless dislike of the administration. If we liked them they might actually listen to us, but we don’t, so they won’t. Bush and Cheney both know that if they build up false reasons to attack Iran, then follow through; Bush will get a bump in the polls. That is how America works.

Currently all signs point to an attack on Iran. First of all, there is a man named Dick Cheney who seems to be completely insane. His idea of diplomacy is to find out where you live, drive over to your house and anally rape you. Harpers has given us a delightful list of conclusions Cheney has already reached regarding Iran.

The administration is currently preparing for a war with Iran. Right now the US has two carrier strike groups in the Persian Gulf. In a day or two they will be joined by a third carrier strike group, then next week, a fourth carrier strike group will arrive. Which means, in the Red Sea we will have…

Ah, the invasion of Iraq. How did that turn out?

As far as land preparations, no one knows. But we do know that before Rumsfeld (neo-con) left office, he developed bases in countries surrounding Iran. We can now attack Iran from every direction from "lilypads."

Next up, the hostages. Yes, the hostages. The US has been holding 5 Iranian diplomats hostage since January. They were invited into Iraq by the Iraqi government, and then the US stormed their compound and seized them. The Irbil five are said to be members of the elite Quds Force, an arm of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard. Recently Condoleezza Rice attempted to have the men released, but Cheney put a stop to her reasonable nonsense.

In response, neo-cons claim Iran began taking “hostages.” The information is not easy to find, unless you go to neo-con sites like The Heritage Foundation.

Neo-cons claim Iran has taken four hostages of dual citizenship, and possibly a fifth. The fifth hostage is a little murky because some believe the ex-FBI agent converted to Islam and moved to an island off Iran. Expect the “hostage crisis” to be ramped up on Fox News and in the pages of the Wall Street Journal.

Here is a video of Norman Podhoretz making the case for attacking Iran. Seem eerily familiar? The build up to Iraq, maybe?



Iran will also be labeled as the big problem in the Middle East. This will, of course, distract from the fact that the US is the biggest problem in the Middle East, with all of our invading and whatnot. Iran will be accused of stirring up animosity throughout the region and spreading their ideology. The fact that this is exactly what the US is doing will be largely ignored. The accusation that Iran is arming militias in Iraq and Afghanistan will be heard ad nauseam. How dare they get involved while their enemy attempts to secure the countries on their Eastern and Western borders! Overall, the case will be made that Iran is becoming too powerful in the Middle East, the place where the country resides – and we do not.

And don’t forget Iran’s nuclear program. Yawn. Of course Iran is pursuing nuclear energy. How else could they possibly stop the US from invading? Iraq was not pursuing nuclear weapons but the case was made that they were, meanwhile North Korea was pursuing nuclear weapons and was left alone. Not hard to figure out which path to follow if you are an enemy of the US. The international estimate of when Iran will get nuclear weapons is longer that the Cheney estimate. Who has a history of being correct when it comes to weapons of mass destruction? I’ll give you a hint: The correct party is not insane.

No one seems to ever talk about the fact that Iran will never use nuclear weapons. They would be immediately wiped off the map. It would be suicide and people in power are not big on suicide. The rulers of Iran, no matter how religious they are, are living a life of luxury and will not give it up anytime soon. Sanctions worked against Iraq and they will work against Iran as well. Oh, and Iran does not have a missile capable of reaching Europe or the US, which sort of diminishes the threat. But by the end of the year America should be scared shitless about Iran’s future nuclear attack on the most powerful country on the planet.

Enjoy the war!

There are an enormous amount of assholes in the world but only a few make the cut and land up on the FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Round Up. Here are this week’s winners:

Rudy Giuliani.

Since 2002, Rudy Giuliani has employed childhood friend Monsignor Alan Placa as a consultant at Giuliani Partners. The great thing about Placa is that he is an accused child molester. A grand jury report contains multiple victims describing how Place molested them. But Placa wasn’t done just diddling the kids; he also was “instrumental in the development of Diocesan policy in response to allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests." He is no longer allowed to perform priestly duties.

Exactly the type of guy you want working for you. Rudy has continued to employ Placa because he "believes Alan has been unjustly accused."

Others see it differently.

But, hey, Placa and Rudy were frat brothers together and you shouldn't break that kind of bond.

Sadly, Rudy will have to break the bond he has with the state chairman of his campaign for South Carolina. It seems Thomas Ravenel has been indicted on federal cocaine charges. He is accused of buying less than 500 grams of cocaine to share with other people in 2005. Revenel resigned from Rudy’s campaign, so Giuliani will have to find another drug dealer or child molester to run it for him. Good luck with the Christian vote! Next up….

George Bush.

George had a little get together at the White House yesterday. Bush held a Congressional picnic on the South Lawn so he could “thank the members of Congress and their families for serving the United States.” It was a Mardi Gras theme!

During the ceremony Bush invited the band leader of the New Orleans jazz band Kermit Ruffins and the Barbeque Swingers up to the podium for a little yuk yuk time. Kermit is a black man. Bush is a rich, white, frat guy. Here we go...

Ha ha! Hilarious! Get it? The black guy is the help. He gets to play music AND pick up garbage. Good stuff. Next up…

Cameron Diaz.

Cameron is on a little trip to Peru, during which she visited the Inca city of Machu Picchu in the Andes. Being incredibly fashionable, she wore an olive green messenger bag that had a big red star on the side and the words, “Serve the people,” printed in Chinese. It may be the most famous slogan of communist leader Mao Zedong.

Had Cameron picked up a book about Peru before she visited or maybe just glanced at a newspaper during the past couple of decades, she might have known that Peruvians were brutalized by a Maoist guerrilla insurgency from the ‘80s into the ‘90s. For years the Shining Path engaged in massacres, bombings and assassinations. 70,000 died.

But the bags look really cute when you’re “roughing it.” Try reading a book, you Hollywood dipshit. Next up…

Martin Luther King, Jr. Harbor Hospital in Los Angeles.

Yes, an entire hospital is an asshole fuckface! Martin Luther King, Jr. is the worst hospital in Los Angeles, maybe the world. It was built after the Watts riots to serve poor, minority communities in south LA. It has a horrendous history, plagued by many patient deaths due to poor nursing care. In the last few years LA country has dumped millions of dollars into the hospital in an effort to turn it around. It didn’t take!

Just ask Edith Isabel Rodriguez who went to the emergency room due to severe stomach pain. The staff was not happy to see her because it was her third visit to the ER.

That was not the kind of care Rodriguez was looking for. She collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain an started vomiting blood. Oh, my God! The nurses rushed to help, right? Nope. Surveillance videos show nurses walking past her as she writhes in pain. A janitor even cleaned up around her as she laid in her own blood. Her boyfriend, who had been gone for half an hour, returned to an ugly scene.

Her boyfriend begged for help from the staff and even a police sergeant. Nobody would help. Eventually he called 911, but considering Rodriquez was already at a hospital, nothing was done. Finally, the county police arrested her for a parole violation. They put her in a wheel chair and pushed her out of the hospital, but they had to do a quick u-turn because her heart had stopped. She died of a perforated bowel, a condition that is easily treated if caught in time. Catching it in time does not occur if you leave the patient bleeding on the floor.

In all probability the hospital will be closed.

Dick Cheney’s life is awesome. He gets to shoot people in the face, use false evidence to convince the president to going to war and his lesbian daughter just had a miracle baby. And now Dick is totally ignoring the rules of our Democracy and doing his own thing. The country of the Vice President has decided it is not “an entity of within the executive branch.” This means Cheney is exempted from government wide procedures for safeguarding classified national security information. What a lucky break!

President Bush issued an executive order, which requires federal agencies and White House offices to report to the National Archives on what steps they are taking to protect classified information. The National Archives are supposed to conduct inspections to make sure everyone is in compliance with the order. Except for Dick, who thinks he can do whatever he wants. Not since the trailer for The Transformers was released has something so horrible been done to our country.

The National Archive office attempted to schedule an inspection of Cheney’s office in 2004. The Vice President’s office completely ignored the request. In 2006, Cheney’s office claimed that Bush’s executive order

Uh, okay. Why is that? You get paid a salary by the American people and have the title of Vice President. That’s Vice President of America, not Vice President of the Vice President’s Office.

National Archives then sent two more letters, which were also ignored. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was then contacted by the National Archives and asked to offer up his opinion on whether Cheney was covered by the executive order. Cheney then tried to get the President to change the executive order so his office would be exempt. He also tried to have the office within the National Archives that conducts the inspections completely eliminated. How dirty do you have to be to try to eliminate the office that oversees the protection of classified information?

Representative Henry Waxman, the chairman of the government oversight committee, is not pleased. Yesterday, Waxman released a series of letters sent from the Oversight Committee to Cheney. Waxman does not hold back.

He is, of course, talking about Valerie Plame. Cheney’s sudden refusal to allow the National Archives access to his office is coincidentally right when the outing of the CIA agent came to light. And we shouldn’t forget that Scooter Libby has been convicted of obstruction of justice during the Plame investigation.

He is a very, very dirty Dick. At some point, he will go down, whether it is while he is in office or when he gets out. But he is getting closer and closer to impeachment.

John Howard, the Prime Minister of Australia, announced today that the sale, possession, transportation and consumption of alcohol, as well as the possession of hardcore pornography, would be banned in Australia for at least six months.

He also said the federal government would take over the administrative duties of local communities so that this ban could be effectively enforced, including searching all public computers for pornographic images and restructuring welfare benefits so that those payments could not be spent on alcohol.

Oh wait, those bans only apply to Aborigines.

Fear not, tourists, those big-ass cans of Foster’s will still be there when you get off the plane, mate!

Howard’s decree comes in response to the recent release of a comprehensive governmental report on the sexual abuse of children in Aboriginal communities in Australia’s Northern Territories. This report described child sex abuse as “serious, widespread and often unreported” in Aboriginal communities, and said the root cause was the “breakdown Aboriginal culture and society.”

The report also pointed out that “Aboriginal people are not the only victims and not the only perpetrators of sexual abuse.” and that “most Aboriginal people are willing and committed to solving problems and helping their children. They are also eager to better educate themselves.”

The report then went on to recommend a “holistic” approach to addressing these issues, urging the Australian government to work with and help empower Aboriginal communities by improving education, housing, and family support services, while making it easier for victims to report incidents of sexual abuse. When discussing the problem of rampant alcohol abuse in Aboriginal communities, the report recommended the following:

As for pornography, the report suggested an educational campaign to limit the exposure of children to sexually explicit material as well as increasing awareness of Australia’s age of consent laws.

You may be wondering how any of those recommendations could be summed up as, “Please ignore the crushing poverty and unemployment and do nothing to improve education and social services while announcing a sweeping ban on alcohol and pornography that only applies to Aboriginal communities and not mixed-race communities nearby. As a bonus, even though the report includes numerous examples of white people sexually exploiting Aborigines, why not make it easier for white folks to enter Aboriginal land? Hey, while you’re at it, don’t bother to consult with any actual Aborigines, the people who drafted the report, or even the folks in the local government before you decide what to do. That’s bound to empower the shit out of those Aborgines!”

Well, to be fair, John Howard is kind of an asshole.

Apparently some Australians, including actual Aborigines, agree, as Howard’s response has been called an "outrageous authoritarian crackdown" and a “knee-jerk reaction.”

However, that knee-jerk reaction will soon have the force of law behind it. At least history is full of examples of alcohol prohibition working flawlessly and of there being no negative consequences when a white government enforces paternalistic policies on an indigenous non-white minority, right?

Right?

Skull and Bones is an elite Yale University society that was founded in 1832. At the time, it was based on secret student societies that were popular in Germany. Each year 15 students are selected to become members of the secret society, where it is said they learn a “commitment to each other, to the community and to public service.” They also apparently partake in weird rituals that border on being retarded.

Many powerful men are members of the Skull and Bones society, including presidents, cabinet officers, spies, Supreme Court justices and business leaders. Conspiracy theorists almost lost their minds during the 2004 presidential elections because both John Kerry and George W. Bush are members. George’s father, George H.W. Bush is a member, as was his father, Prescott Bush. It was Prescott Bush and two other bonesmen who are rumored to have stolen the bones of American Indian leader Geronimo and brought them to Yale, where they are stored in the Skull and Bones "tomb." (It's a fucking clubhouse)

Geronimo was an Apache leader who fought the United States government for over 25 years. He eventually surrendered in 1886. He died in 1909 of pneumonia and was buried in an Apache Indian POW cemetery at Fort Sill.

In 1918, Prescott Bush and two other bonesmen were serving as Army volunteers at Fort Sill during World War I. They dug up Geronimo's grave, took his skull, some bones and his silver bridle and brought the collection to the Yale campus. The skull is now supposed to be used in rituals, including their initiation, during which members kiss the skull. They seem to have forgotten that the skull used to belong to a person who has a family.

Harlyn would like to bring his grandfather’s skull back to Geronimo’s birthplace and bury it.

Or to put it another way: A warrior who fought bravely for his people had his bones dug up by rich white guys who now use his skull as a prop in their queer Harry Potter rituals. Time to stop acting like four-year-olds and let the hero have a proper burial.

Harlyn Geronimo even sent President Bush a letter last year asking for his help in getting back his grandpa’s skull. For some reason, Bush did not respond. John Fryar, a retired Bureau of Indian Affairs special agent in antiquities, has an interesting take on the stealing of the bones.

Pretty much. But I’m not giving up Charlie’s femur. I use it to initiate my cats into our, uh, society.

Harlyn Geronimo expects the fight to get his grandfather’s bones returned to be a long one but he’s going to stick it out.

In case you thought that diplomatic relations between Britain and Iran weren’t strained enough, the Queen of England has just awarded the OBE to controversial author Salman Rushdie.

In literary circles, Sir Salman Rushdie is probably best known for his award-winning 1981 novel Midnight’s Children. Oh, and that his current wife is really hot.

Amongst fans of setting effigies of famous authors ablaze, it’s his 1988 novel The Satanic Verses that tends to hog the spotlight. Back in 1989, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa condemning Rushdie to death for what Khomeini claimed was the book’s blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed. Rushdie apologized and then spent the next nine years in hiding, which seemed like an especially good idea even before the person who translated The Satanic Verses into Japanese was found stabbed to death.

In the 16 years since the fatwa against Rushdie, Iran has been sending mixed messages about how seriously it takes that whole “apostate worthy of death” thing. A 1999 comment from then-President Of Iran Mohammad Khatami declaring the fatwa to be ”completely finished” inspired Rushdie to come out of hiding, but since then members of Iran’s Revolutionary Guard have declared the same fatwa to be ”irrevocable”.

Apparently most of the folks who wanted to kill Rushdie just kinda forgot about him, until news of his impending knighthood inspired them to party like it’s 1989.

Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini said:

In an attempt to grab the “more Islamically radical than thou” trophy away from Iran, anti-Rushdie protests by Islamic hard-liners broke out in Islamabad and other Pakistani cities, with protestors burning both Rushdie and Queen Elizabeth II in effigy. It’s looking to be a banner year for the effigy industry! Pakistan’s Religious Affairs Minister Mohammed Ijaz ul-Haq then declared to the Pakistani Parliament:

Now that’s what I call irony!

A spokesman for the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office responded by saying Rushdie’s knighthood was “richly deserved” and the reasons for it were “self-explanatory”. I guess he’s a big Bridget Jones’ Diary fan or something.

So while English politicians and many Muslims around the globe play the ”No, you apologize!" game, Sir Salman Rushdie gets to hang out with other noted British knights, like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Pot-Smoking Cricket Star. And hopefully not get killed.

I enjoy the show 24. I enjoy violence and things blowing up and torture. Mainly I enjoy those things on television because they are not real. If Jack Bauer was torturing and killing his own brother in my living room I would probably be very uncomfortable. I may even vomit. I strongly believe in my heart that Jack Bauer is not real and that no real human being could do the things Jack does.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, however, seems to think Jack Bauer is real. And he kind of has a man crush on Jack. Based on what happened in Canada this week, I think we can conclude that Scalia wants to be inside Jack Bauer, or more probably, wants Jack to be inside him, thrusting like an animal.

Scalia was at a legal conference in Ottawa during which a panel of judges was discussed torture and terrorism law. A Canadian judge made the mistake of saying this:

Well, you don’t talk about Scalia’s fantasy lover that way. Antonin lost his fucking mind.

Um, absolutes? Like Jack Bauer is absolutely not real? Like Antonin Scalia is an absolute nut job?

The Canadian judge who started the entire lunatic festival off with his slight comment has dealt with terrorists in his courtroom. He had a different opinion that Scalia.

Scalia was not down with that idea. I mean, Jesus, he has seen this shit go down ON TELEVISION. He knows counterterrorism agents should not be constrained by laws. Most of the judges in the room agreed that confessions made during torture carry little weight because they might be false and are almost never accepted into evidence. But Scalia was not talking about the court, he was talking about being out on the streets, taking down the bad guys with minutes to spare. He wants agents to have the freedom to get the job done and thwart attacks.

Um. Okay. You’re a Supreme Court Justice, huh? I feel good about the direction of our country right now. But season 2 was one of the best seasons, so he’s not all that wrong.

On July 29, 1994 Presbyterian minister Paul Hill murdered Dr. John Britton because he was performing abortions on women. Hill also killed Britton’s bodyguard, James Barrett and seriously wounded June Barrett. The murders occurred outside of an abortion clinic in Pensacola, Florida. On September 3, 2003 Hill was executed by the State of Florida and became a martyr and hero to religious fanatics.

Paul Hill now has his own memorial website and there was a Paul Hill tour on the first anniversary of his death. You could retrace Paul’s steps as he killed two other human beings – just like Jesus would have done! Neato!

Now it's three years later - how do you top something that creepy? Well, the religious freaks have figured it out. And they are even being honored for it.

Yes, the "Theocrats of the Week" are going to reenact the murder of two human beings in a celebratory event because they are followers of Jesus. Get it? The event is being called, “Paul Hill Days” and will be held in Milwaukee from July 26th-29th. So, get your asses up there for a really good time and honor Paul as “God’s man and our hero.”

Obviously it is odd to hold the event in Wisconsin, considering Paul Hill lived and murdered in Florida, but the event planners have a terrific explanation.

Sounds good to me. It is going to be fucking awesome! Check out the planned events:

Activities at our two remaining killing centers
Literature distribution
Ministry at the Federal Courthouse
Reenactment of 7-29-1994
Paul Hill March
Ministry at other public forums

If time is available we may be able to fit in rape of a Jew!

Followers of the Lord are obviously excited about this upcoming event. Here are some of the wonderful, inspiring comments from the Talk to Action website.

Uh, consider it done, terrorist.

And apparently the crazy, religious fucks are competitive when it comes to their crazy, religious events.

Ha! Yeah, take that Flip! Your assault on Birmingham is for fags! You save babies like a homo! Keep walking around with your signs while we reenact a double shotgun murder, bitch!

If I don’t make any more posts after this one it was because I drank poison, then shot myself in the face, then set myself on fire, then walked in front of a train, then hung myself, then ate a pound of glass, then slit my throat, then jumped into a tiger cage, then drank some ebola, then drown myself in the toilet, then put my head in the oven, then stabbed myself in the heart, then hammered a nail into my head and then jumped off a building.

Why go to Israel, when Israel is coming to us? According to ABC news, teams of suicide bombers are on their way to the US to kill poor, little, innocent Americans. They are also being sent to some place called “Europe.”

Yay! Graduation! It always feels great to accomplish something. A Pakistani reporter attended the graduation and took pictures of around 300 future suicide bombers, some who were “as young as 12.” After they got their diplomas, they were sent out on their missions. The ones going to England spoke English.

I’m going to assume the unintelligible word was “pants.” US intelligence tried to write if off as propaganda but former White House counterterrorism official (who warned the Bush administration about al-Qaeda in 2000) believes the threat is credible.

But, but, I thought the president said, “we were fighting them there so they wouldn’t kill us here.” No, sorry, saying that actually just encourages them to kill us here to prove him wrong. He's a fucking idiot who talks out of his asshole.

Better get those shoes at Foot Locker while you can!

Earlier this year the city of Boston was almost destroyed by “terrorists” who hung electronic lighting boards around the city in guerrilla advertising campaign for Aqua Teen Hunger Force. As with most terrorist bombs, they were made of circuit boards with lights attached in the shape of a cartoon character flipping the bird. Police shut down bridges and closed part of the Charles River. Eventually the two “terrorists” were arrested and charged with placing hoax devices and disorderly conduct. In May the state dropped charges after the two served 140 hours of community services and apologized.

Now the city of Montrose, New York in Westchester County has decided it wants in on the “idiotic response to nothing” game.

It is senior prank time and the seniors at Hendrick Hudson High School came up with a fantastic plan. They bought 150 alarm clocks that were shaped like houses or butterflies. They wrapped the clocks in duct tape so teachers could not shut them off and set them for 9:15 am. When the clocks went off all the seniors were going to stand up and march out of school.

Using a stolen key, they broke into the school the night before and put the clock inside. But the clocks were discovered before the students arrived at school in the morning. Police were called in to investigate. Then the state troopers arrived with bomb sniffing dogs. Obviously, no bombs were found.

In cases like this, usually the students aren’t allowed to walk during graduation and possibly some community service is ordered by the court for breaking into the school. But not in Montrose, where they are cracking down on senior pranks.

Wha? Great idea. A stupid prank gone wrong should be punished by ruining the lives of 19 teenagers. Well done, Mr. District Attorney.

The students never thought the alarm clocks would be mistaken for bombs because they are all TEENAGERS IN WESTCHESTER COUNTY.

Sophomore Grace Bleiweis explained what the seniors will have to tell their cellmates, just before they are raped in prison.

It's really no different than planting fake bombs, if you don't think about it.

Let me start by saying George W. Bush is an amazing idiot. Now that I got that out of the way I can discuss the budding Democracies in the Middle East for which George has taken the credit: Iraq and Palestine.

Iraq.

Well, this one is pretty obvious to anyone who has been alive the past four years. First we attacked Iraq because it was a threat and Saddam had weapons of mass destruction everywhere. Then when it turned out that was a lie, Bush claimed we invaded to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq. Man, did they take the whole “freedom” thing to heart. Iraq is now in the middle of a religious civil war. The democracy Bush wanted didn’t jive with the democracy Iraqis wanted. Bush was thinking secular, but Iraqis will still do whatever Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani tells them to do. He is the ultimate authority.

Currently Sistani is calling for calm but even he can't make the government function. “Democracy” in Iraq is hanging by a thread. Parliament cannot agree on four important pieces of legislation; splitting up the country’s oil wealth, allowing local elections, reinstating junior members of the Baath party and constitutional amendments demanded by Sunnis.

In August, the parliament will take a much-needed vacation from not getting anything done. Lawmakers are already known for their poor attendance records and now Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr has pulled his 30 lawmakers due to the recent bombing of the Askariya shrine. Before Sadr pulled his members, parliament was failing to pass legislation due to a lack of lawmakers showing up. Now subtract 30 from nothing.

On June 11 lawmakers actually did manage to get something done: They voted to remove the Sunni Speaker of the House. Unfortunately for them, he refused to go. The Speaker will only resign if parliament replaces him with a lawmaker from his small political party – which will never happen. Sounds like they are really getting the whole idea of Democracy, huh?

This weeks bombing of the Askariya shrine could be the last straw.

Ayatollah Al-Sistani made things worse by blaming the government for not protecting the shrine.

What a surprise. Usually when you apply Democracy at the barrel of a gun it works out.

Palestine.

Bush really seemed to think Democracy in the Middle East would create a bunch of new countries that were pals with the US. What Bush seemed to neglect to understand was that just as religious, right wing extremists elected him, they would also elect the leaders of these new Democracies. Palestine is a terrific example.

The US pressured Palestine to hold elections. The result was a victory for the militant fundamentalist Hamas Party. Bush failed to realize that his own military actions and policies in the region were undermining moderate and secular leaders. Oops.

Democracy relies on the rule of law, stable institutions and economic security. Neither Palestine nor Iraq has any of those things. If you hold elections in these environments you are asking for extremists to take control – legally. They did just that in Palestine, as Hamas took control of everything but the presidency. The US was obviously unhappy with the results. The Palestinians didn’t get the memo to choose leaders whom they didn’t want to represent them. They were supposed to choose leaders other countries would like. Jesus, how hard is it Palestine?

The US decided the best idea would be to withhold funding from the new government. So, we starve the population because they elected fundamentalists, meanwhile fundamentalists thrive when a population is starving. Good idea. The result was predictable. Hamas and their rivals Fatah are now fighting a civil war and Hamas already seems the victor. Hamas has seized Gaza, the Palestinian president’s government has been dismantled as Hamas militants pillage government institutions. Basically, it’s a fucking disaster.

Oh, but wait, there is good news!

Awesome!

Oh.

Yay! Democracy!

Old people are using the interweb in a pathetic attempt to sway young folks into liking them. These old people are known as “presidential candidates” and the things they are putting up on U Tube are so lame and occasionally disturbing that I don’t quite know what to do with myself.

A few of the candidates understand the power of this “series of tubes” that young people have come to love. The smart ones are prudent in what they put up on U Tube. Joe Biden, Rudy Giuliani and Barack Obama are three who seem to understand how to use the interwebs. But those candidates who don’t get it have really come up with some bad shit.

Take John Edwards. His U Tube page is full of a lot of information and speeches to let you know where he stands. But right there in the middle of his campaign-approved videos is this tremendous turd.


What the fuck was that? What did it mean? And why did it happen? Why was Edwards’ wife talking at the end? The only piece of information I walked away with is that political campaigns should not attempt comedy. Here’s what happens when they do:


Ha ha. I laughed so hard that my ass almost came out of my face. Tancredo, you are a nut! I totally want to vote for you now.

It seems as if candidates do not know that when they put this crap up on the interweb, that it will live forever. Some of the videos have so little meaning that they are bewildering. Take Mike Gavel, the Democrats answer to crazy Ron Paul. He put this gem out yesterday. I dare you to tell me what is happening.


Wow. That should have been called “Two Minutes of Creepy.” Creepy is not a great quality to get people to vote for you. His press secretary explained what was going on there.

Bad idea. You know what I don't look for in a presidential candidate? Shiitty symbolism.

Good luck with the campaign. And your paintings, hippy.

Chris Dodd also decided to go with the powerful message of silence. Here is a video that should be called “Pointless.”


How could all the young kids who watch the U Tube not be into that? It is fucking mesmerizing because it's real life.

And check out Mitt Romney, he’s almost human!


“It’s fun being eight.” It’s also fun being a robot, I guess. Thank for making me feel weird, Mitt. My favorite Mitt video is this one where he tries to explain how he has switched positions on abortion. Rather than talk to camera, he used the old “fake phone call” method. It’s great because you can see his beady little eyeballs reading the script while he babbles.



We’ve got a long road ahead and I’m sure many more videos coming.

Last week, Yahoo news did a “People Of The Web” series on Mike Rogers. Rogers is the founder and writer of BlogActive.com. It’s a website that has earned him a reputation as one of the most feared men on Capitol Hill. Why?

Yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say that outing gay politicians who work to undermine gay political gains is pretty fucking “politically motivated.”

At any rate, the list of government officials (elected and unelected) that Rogers has outed is long and distinguished. Because linking to his site is almost the same thing as publishing them, I’ll save you the click and give you some of the heavy-hitters he’s named.

Foley’s no surprise. The others may or may not be. His list also includes Senate staffers, White House aides, a former New York City Mayor and one extremely popular political blogger.

All, according to Rogers, are both anti-gay and gay enough to be dragged out of the closet on the world’s biggest stage. The point, of course, is to expose the hypocrisy of people who proclaim to work towards a certain moral standard, but practice something totally different. In a way, he’s like the gay version of Larry Flynt, but without the accompanying sex empire or biopic (yet.)

But is it ethical? Is it right? Is it fair? Is what he doing truly good politics? (emphasis intentional)

Whether I agree or disagree with the positions taken by GLAAD and the Log Cabin folks, I do not agree with Rogers on the point above. People who are upset about Rogers’ tactics are not just people who have a vested interest in protecting the closet in general, but may have a vested interest in protecting their own personal closet. And while it may seem like clear hypocrisy to vote against gay rights and be gay or have gay sex (and I concede it usually is), it may not always be. Sexuality is a fluid, complex, personal issue. Sex mixed with politics are doubly so. Rogers makes it seem like both are black-and-white issues.

Also troubling is the possibility of “collateral outings.” Check out Rogers’ interview with former RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman.

The clear implication, of course, is that Mr. Berg is Mehlman’s gay lover. Whether or not that’s the case is immaterial. While Mehlman is certainly a complete asshole and may also be a homosexual, dragging someone else into the fray is irresponsible and more than a bit cruel.

This is not to say I don’t see Rogers’ side of the story and am not sympathetic to his cause. I do and I am. I am just saddened to see sexuality used as a cudgel. Even though these allegedly gay folks should have nothing to be ashamed of if they are in fact gay, Rogers is still taking advantage of the fact that some people think they should for political gain. That implication leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Who doesn’t love a good Fatwa? I remember the first one I ever heard: Don’t stick knives in the electrical socket. Two dead fingers later I knew what the Prophet Muhammad was talking about. For those of you who don’t know, Fatwas are religious edicts made by religious scholars to help guide Muslims through their lives. Without fatwas Muslims would be fucking donkeys and licking cat’s asses. That is how important they are.

Two recent fatwas have gotten quite a bit of attention in the Muslim world.

To the breast-feeding fatwa I say, “Welcome to the year 2007, Muslims.” We have been tasting the breast milk of our fellow co-workers for years. That is why they get to show their hair and wear pants around the office. Duh.

The second fatwa I am confused by. I do enjoy a nice bottle of urine after a run, but I didn’t realize it was a blessing.

It seems these two fatwas were not well received in Egypt, the country where the issuers reside. Egypt's Grand Mufti, Sheikh Ali Gomaa was responsible for the urine fatwa. The idea came to him when he wrote a story about a woman who drank the Prophet’s urine. (Who didn’t? It was the 600’s) Gomaa has since backed off, saying it was only an opinion, not a fatwa.

The Grand Mufti has a controversial history when it comes to fatwas. Earlier this year he issued a fatwa stating it was okay for women to get reconstructive hymen surgery if she had engaged in premarital sex, regretted it and asked God for forgiveness. As you can imagine, Muslim dudes were not happy. Nobody wants a second-hand vagina and Muhammad certainly would not be down with that.

A religious scholar who ran the Department of Teachings of the Prophet at the Foundation of Religious Colleges in Al Azhar University issued the awesome breast-feeding fatwa in May. (How about a fatwa to shorten that name? Heyooo!) Izat Atiyah thought it would be a great fatwa to deal with the problems associated with men and women working together. If women just let the men suck from their tits, then she could take off her veil. Seems pretty straightforward.

Oddly, the fatwa was mocked on television across the Middle East. Atiyah was suspended from his job and within days had retracted his titty sucking fatwa. I, personally, think it makes sense. But I also am the same guy who issued the “anal bead fatwa,” which declares before any business meeting a man should get to place anal beads in any women present and then rip them out when the meeting is over. It is meant to ease tension.

Or so says the Justice Department anyway.

Well, what’s the problem with that, really? The Free Exercise of religion is protected in the First Amendment, after all. It’s one of the bedrock principles of this country’s founding. What’s the big deal if the Bush Administ… er, Justice Department wants to focus on ensuring that pillar of American liberty?

Well, it could be because they’re promoting one aspect of the First Amendment (the Free Exercise Clause) at the expense of another (that thing about the “Establishment”)

Herein lies the problem of prosecutorial discretion. The Justice Department, like all government agencies, does not posses unlimited resources. Thus, it must chose its battles carefully and attempt to maximize the effect on the greater good. While they can’t take on every case for purely economic reasons, once the Justice Department makes its determination that they intervene in a case, they bring the full weight of the federal government with them.

So it could be a bit of a problem when that weight is being used to ensure that students may proselytize on high school grounds or allow religious organizations to circumvent civil rights laws.

Possibly more problematic is the DoJ’s notoriously shitty hiring practices. According to the New York Times:

Nothing wrong with a little Nepotism in the Name of The Lord, eh? Especially when those hires come from such top-flight law schools as Catholic University (Tier 2, according to the U.S. News and World Report Law School Rankings), Regent University (Tier 4), and legal powerhouse Ave Maria School of Law (Tier 4).

The DoJ justifies these policies by citing constitutional and congressional mandates.

Last I checked, the First Amendment actually placed a restriction against mingling religion with the state first. But what do I know? I’m just a first-year attorney, not the nation’s most powerful law-enforcement official.

Still, the question remains: Why is this a problem?

Thank goodness Republicans blocked a no-confidence vote for Gonzales on Monday. He’s clearly doing a bang-up job all-around.

Thanks to the Patriot Act we’ve become used to the idea that our communications and personal records may be monitored by the US Government. But now the FBI is admitting that they may have been breaking the law while snooping on Americans in their effort to fight terrorism.

The Feds discovered the violations in an audit of its national security investigations, violations that the FBI initially claimed numbered only a few dozen. Now after a more comprehensive audit it appears Uncle Sam has crossed the line more than 1000 times while searching through the private data of American citizens. With only 10 percent of the audit completed, those numbers are sure to go up. While the FBI says they are enacting new guidelines to help prevent abuses in the future, Civil liberties advocates are raising concerns.

The focus of the investigation centers mainly on so-called “national security letters” documents used to obtain private records without court approval. Luckily, the FBI is assuring us that all the violations were on mistake and their was no intentional criminal misconduct.

Well, it seems like Vice President Cheney is having his way after all. A man in North Carolina was pulled over and fined for filling his gas tank with the wrong kind of oil.

Hmm, and all this time I was led to believe that ending our dependence on foreign oil was a good thing. I guess I wasn't the only one; apparently a North Carolina state senator thought the same:

North Carolina, while being one of the foremost "green" states, still likes to collect it's taxes so...

Well that's good to know, since the playing field is so plainly groomed for American drivers, and not Arab oil interests.