Hezbollah was started in 1982 by a group of Muslim clerics, with a lot of help from Iran, after Israel invaded Lebanon. Iranian Revolutionary guards were sent to Lebanon to create a militia that would resist the Israeli occupation. Now 25 years later, we get to watch the exact same circumstances create the exact same radical political and military organization, but this time in Iraq.

Iran is certainly funding Shiites in Iraq. Why shouldn’t they? Their greatest enemy, the US, is constantly banging the war drums. The only logical and smart path for Iran to take is to set up another Hezbollah type organization in Iraq. They have certainly learned from their mistakes in Lebanon and will know how to implement a plan that will win over the locals quickly.

Hezbollah gained favor with many Lebanese by providing social services that the government was unable to provide. The US invasion and pathetically planned occupation of Iraq has created the perfect environment for a new Hezbollah to rise out of the chaos and win over the locals. In the '80s Hezbollah provided desperately needed social services, hospitals, schools, along with radio and TV stations. They basically provided the basics to build a society, something the US has not done in Baghdad.

According to CBS News, a Hezbollah type organization is taking root in Iraq. The Mahdi Army has always been a problem for the US. The smart, brutal and radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is their leader. Much of our fighting in Baghdad has been against the Mahdi Army. They rule a slum and the street fighting can be quite dangerous. But now it seems they have stopped fighting, and that is not a good sign.

Last week, US ambassador Ryan Crocker warned that Sadr’s men were taking over businesses, like gas stations and other “basic services,” in Shiite neighborhoods. They are beginning to use control over necessities and social services as their main weapon.

Now the US finds itself in a delicate situation. To attack the Mahdi Army will be to attack those giving basic services to the people. Whoever wins the support of the street, wins the war.

But the US is doing exactly that, in an attempt to find the “bad guys.” So, one day maybe we pick up the guy who was delivering medicine to sick people, or the guy who supplies clean water, or the mechanic who fixes your car. Maybe we destroy a building some insurgents run into and it turns out to be a medical clinic. This is a situation built for our failure. We don’t understand the culture or the language. Iran and Sadr do.

Looking back on the invasion, this should have seemed so obvious when the looting was going on, as our soldiers stood around and watched. They were not given orders to stop the looting of the entire country. Hospitals, offices, schools; everything was torn apart and carted off. Iraq’s entire infrastructure was demolished in a month. Not enough soldiers on the ground meant massive security problems. Nearly every choice the Bush administration made in Iraq was the wrong one. Now, out of the chaos will rise an organization that can provide help and it’s not the USA. It is a radical Islamic cleric, with support from Iran.

It turns out one country had very shrewd leaders and another one was full of idiots. Too bad the idiots have all the planes and bombs.

This would be an amusing story if it wasn’t so fucked up. The Democrats have had a tough time getting to the bottom of whatever bullshit has been going on at the Justice Department. The White House has refused to turn over email and pertinent documents, while telling witnesses that they should refuse to testify. Alberto Gonzales flat out lied to Congress on several occasions and will probably be prosecuted. So, this summer Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee had a good idea: They set up a way for people inside the Justice Department to whistle blow secretly.

Members of the Committee set up a form on their website that employees of the Justice Department could fill out confidentially.

Today, Democrats completely exposed all of the whistleblowers in such an idiotic manner that it is startling: By putting their names in the “to” field, instead of “bcc.”

Ah, oops. Hey, thanks for helping us out, okay if we shove a pipe up your ass? The email went to every person who had ever used the website form. That means email addresses went to every whistle blower, reporter, supervisor or whoever else filled out the form. Maybe even a few right wing assholes, who filled out the form with the message, “Go fuck yourself.” The best part of the story is the reason the mass email was sent in the first place.

Not with this email, though. After this one. Seriously, after this email, it’s all going to be good. Trust us.

So, what to do if you are the committee? You just made a horrendous error that completely fucked over a lot of people who were tying to do good. How about sending out a second email to recall the original email, that also included everyone’s email address in the “to” field?

Will somebody get this asshole away from the computer before he emails porn to his grandma? The Committee explained the situation:

Uh, yeah, okay. Too bad some of the whistleblowers have already complained to the media and the committee. And there is good reason for them to complain, as some of the emails were sent straight to Lucifer himself.

Enjoy work on Monday! Satan was just carbon copied about how you fucked him over.

Here’s the email that was sent out.

It’s weird you would say that, because I am not so interested in the Judiciary Committees work anymore.

Keep up the good work, Democrats!

You lucky sons of bitches. It’s Saturday, the day our Lord Jesus Christ came down from the mountain in his silk robe and fuzzy slippers and said, “Let there be an Asshole Fuckface Roundup.” Then he pointed at Luke and burped. True story. Now, here we are, three or four hundred years later and I am the vessel of Jesus, providing you with your weekly dose of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I pour over the news all week to find the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces out there and I deliver them on a platter, just as Jesus would have wanted. So, put on your favorite rubber apron, it’s going to get messy.

We’re going to start in California, where fire was invented and that made some Asshole Fuckfaces do bad things.

FEMA. Ordinarily I could just stop there, but today I’m going to go on. Apparently, FEMA has figured out where they went wrong during the Hurricane Katrina fiasco: Media control.

On Tuesday, deputy administrator Harvey Johnson held a news briefing about all the fine work FEMA was doing in California. FEMA told reporters about the briefing a full 15 minutes before it started and gave them an 800 number to call. Of course, that 800 number was a “listen only” line, so they were not allowed to ask questions.

Fuck, did it go smooth. Johnson gave an overview of what was going on and then he took a few questions. He responded to each question eloquently. It seemed like a good time was being had by all.

Nicely done. But it seemed a bit odd to the reporters listening on the line. Why all the easy and oddly familiar questions? Why was the media letting Johnson ramble on forever about how great FEMA was responding? Why was everyone being so nice? Oh, because there were no reporters there. Turns out the “briefing” was all FEMA employees, playing “press conference.” There was not one reporter in the entire place. Yay, America!

It looked good on TV, though. Fox News, MSNBC and other news channels carried it live. Now FEMA is apologizing to anyone who will listen, because they know they’ve done something bad if people tell them. That's what happens if you don't have a soul.

And what’s a disaster without President Bush acting like a dick? At his press conference he took a swipe at the Governor of Louisiana, while hailing the leadership of Arnold.

Oh, snap. And who wasn’t willing to lead, huh? The Democratic governor of Louisiana, maybe? Bush is a fucking child. Excuse me, Asshole Fuckface child. A couple thousand people lost their homes, several dead and he’s taking swipes at a Democrat in a state where he was greatly responsible for a horrible response…two fucking years ago.

And there were even more Asshole Fuckfaces showing their true colors during the fires.

A couple returned from their honeymoon just two hours before their home burned down. They rushed in and grabbed what they could, but they did not have much time. The next day, they called AT&T to tell them their house burned down and they needed to cancel their service.



That is some awesome customer service. Certainly wouldn’t want to give anyone who lost their home a break, like knocking the price down a bit. Nope. AT&T is the worst company in the world, Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Do you hear me, Steve Jobs?

And why stop there with the Asshole Fuckfaces who were total dicks during the crisis?

How about Vice President Dick Asshole Fuckface? The President and his cabinet were being briefed on the California fires but poor Dick was apparently not all that interested.



I’m sure if he had heard Fox News say that al Qaeda was behind the fires, he would have been able to stay awake. But on a more positive note, maybe he is getting closer to death.

Okay, enough with the fires, there are many more Asshole Fuckfaces running around.

Like Pennsylvania, where the Department of State has decided not to publicize their list of polling places for elections. Why? The Goddamn terrorists, that’s why! Everyone knows terrorists want to blow up polling places. They are target number one, especially if you are retarded.

Oh, right. The bombings in Spain, that went off and killed many people in…train stations. That is where people vote in Spain, I guess.

What a surprise. Nicely done, Pennsylvania, you are a giant Asshole Fuckface. But, I guess whatever it takes to make it difficult for people to find where they should vote. Democracy in action!

It is always great to end the Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a guy who pees on dying people.

I take you to England: Home of awful people. Take Anthony Anderson, he’s a former soldier and is also a member of the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame. Anthony received the honor for his actions back in July.

He was celebrating his birthday in Hartlepool with some friends, when they stumbled across 50-year-old Christine Lakinski. She was lying in the street, after falling and hitting her head while walking home. Christine also had physical and learning disabilities. So, what to do? If you’re a normal human being, you call an ambulance. But, if you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do something entirely different.

Make that at least two Asshole Fuckfaces, because one friend was filming and enjoying the show.

Ah, to be young again, roaming the streets, shitting and peeing on dying people. Those were the days.

Anderson and his friends went on their way, but did manage to call an ambulance twenty minutes later. It’s called “Asshole Fuckface remorse” and it commonly only strikes 20 minutes after you have done something horrible.

Anderson was sentenced to three years in the big house this week. Lakinski died of pancreatic failure in the street that night.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You are a fine group of horrible people and will each receive a FearTheReaper travel alarm clock!

I hate to break the news to all of you politics junkies who’ve been amusing yourselves by debating issues like “Just how evil is Hillary Clinton?”, “Does Obama have enough experience to be President?” and “Who’s crazier, Mike Gravel, Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich?” over the past year, but as of this week, the winner of the 2008 United States Presidential election has been decided.

It’s done. Over. Feel free to go through the sham of having a series of primaries and caucuses, and even the pretense of a general election, but the end result has been pre-ordained.

No, not because the Bush administration has started the ball rolling on some complex “false flag” operation to orchestrate a massive terrorist strike inside the United States and thus declare martial law and suspend elections indefinitely. It’s not because the true nature of the corporate two-party duopoly means that nothing will ever really change unless there’s, like, a revolution, man. It has nothing to do with Skull & Bones, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, some crappy YouTube video, or that secret UFO base inside the Earth’s core.

It’s because of one man.

Chuck Norris.

On Sunday, Mr. Norris delivered a roundhouse kick to the pudgy midsection of the American electoral process by declaring that his choice for our next president is former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Some of you may be saying “Wait, Chuck Norris? That guy from Walker, Texas Ranger (or Delta Force, depending on how old you are)? Since when did he have the power to determine our next president?”

That’s the reaction I had, shortly before I interrupted my daily Internet browsing routine of searching for new LOLcats and downloading terabytes of lesbian clown porn to do a bit of research on Chuck Norris. I quickly discovered that over the past few years he’s become a modern-day Paul Bunyan, capable of miraculous feats of strength, most of which involve killing people. Buying penis enlargement pills from Russian websites taught me the valuable lesson that everything on the Internet is 100% true, so if Chuck Norris can both run around the Earth so fast he can punch himself in the back of his own head and disprove the so-called scientific theory of evolution, do you really think he can’t kick the Electoral College’s ass? Have you seen how out of shape the average delegate is these days?

If you want further proof of how Chuck Norris can single-handedly determine the outcome of the upcoming election, you need only read his endorsement of Huckabee to find examples of how he’s managed to use his karate skills to alter history itself.

Take that, Thomas Jefferson and the version of the New Testament you edited to exclude all mention of Jesus’ divinity, miracles and resurrection! Better luck next time, Treaty Of Tripoli and Article VI of the Constitution! Chuck Norris has just punched the space-time continuum so fucking hard that you’re now examples of the Founding Fathers standing up against secularism! By the time you read this, the Constitution will have pissed itself with fear and then spontaneously re-written itself to be chock full of Jesus references.

Not only that, but did you know that Chuck Norris can single-handedly re-define the standards by which a political candidate is judged?

Ouch! Before Chuck Norris kicked me in the brain with his words, I was backwards enough to consider that people applying for a job should be judged based on how well they might perform the tasks that job requires. Once the swelling goes down, I’ll be sure to judge them by how nice they are as people.

Some of you may be a bit reluctant to accept Huckabee as our next president. Perhaps you’re a godless homo-loving terrorist-fellating pinko who doesn’t think legalized abortion is like the Holocaust or that encouraging condom use to help prevent AIDS is like telling an abusive husband “don’t hit quite as hard”. Or, speaking of godless homo-loving pinkos, you may just think he can’t beat Rudy Giuliani in the GOP primaries:

Remember, polls don’t matter when it comes to electing a president, since in the end he’s appointed by God. Or in this case, Chuck Norris.

I know, I’m being redundant.

So feel free to continue to pretend that the 2008 Presidential election isn’t a foregone conclusion. I’m going to be pro-active and spend the next year preparing for President Huckabee’s first term. Not by fleeing to Canada early to beat the traffic, but by hiring a karate expert to roundhouse kick me in the head once a day.

Because Chuck Norris has taught me that the more often you’re kicked in the head, the better the phrase “President Huckabee” sounds.

No, seriously. Don’t do it. And not just if you live in Mississippi, but if you live in North Carolina, South Dakota, Hawaii or Utah as well. Bad, bad idea.

I mean, I suppose one could make the argument that you shouldn’t fuck a married person regardless of your particular jurisdiction. That’s true, but if you’re from Alabama and you bone Jethro’s ball-and-chain while he’s away working at the coal mine [FN 1], the worst thing that could happen to you is a broken jaw and a free trip to Jerry Springer. Not exactly an ice cream social, but not the end of the world.

However, if you’re in one of those states above, it’s not just bad karma, it’s fucking illegal. [FN 2] Just ask Jerry Finch, Sr., of Holly Springs Mississippi.

You read that right, my friends. Slide your hot dog into a married woman’s bun in the Magnolia State and you could be on the hook for a quarter of a fucking million dollars. You see what I’m getting at, here? As your attorney [FN 3], I recommend you not do that.

What makes this verdict quite a bit more disturbing are the circumstances surrounding it.

Poor, foolish Mr. Finch. Anyone who’s ever seen "Maury" knows that you can’t seriously deny parentage once the paternity test comes out. All you can do is claim “the bitch said she was on the pill!” and try not to look too dejected as she booty shakes to the crowd in celebration. It’s the only dignified way to go.

Instead, Finch got dragged into court and despite evidence that the marriage was fucked [FN 4] long before he became Ms. Valentine’s special Valentine, he got nailed for $750k in damages. For getting his dick wet. Yowza.

Unfortunately for Finch, he’s pretty much out of legal options here. First, he appealed to the Mississippi Supreme Court.

With that wad blown, he turned to the Supreme Court’s most swingin’ dude, Justice Antonin “I like Orgies” Scalia, in an attempt to at least lessen the $112k punitive damages award. He argued that the award of punitive damages here was both Constitutionally excessive and violated the spirit of the Court’s holding in Lawrence v. Texas. In Lawrence, the Court invalidated anti-sodomy laws, but also asserted a right to personal privacy in the bedroom. Finch hoped this right to personal privacy extended to guys who like to boink their married secretaries.

Scalia’s answer? You’re a screwed one, Mr. Finch.

I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself[FN 5], “If the legal consequences are so bad, how do I avoid falling into the same trap? Just stay away from OPP if I live in the Missy Sippi?”

I’m glad you asked! First, it’s important to note that these causes of action are generally based in common law, which means they’re not statutory but rather they’ve been created by the courts over the centuries. In the '60s and '70s, most states that aren’t fucking insane all passed “Anti-Heart Balm legislation” (these torts are sometimes called “Heart Balm” cases, for obvious reasons). Others, mainly those with superhuman infatuations with protecting the nebulous and out-dated version of “family”, kept them going. They’re big moneymakers for plaintiffs in other states as well.

There are basically two types of these causes of action. The aforementioned “alienation of affection.”

And the even dumber cause of action of “Criminal Conversation” [FN 6], which requires no specific state of mind, only

So, my friends, keep this in mind. If the object of your intarweb affection lives in one of the above states and he, she or it is wearing a wedding band that you didn’t pay for, take heed. You could end up like Mr. Finch: Fucked in every sense of the word.
_______________________________________________

[FN 1]: Do they even have coal mines in Alabama? I have no idea. Don’t bother telling me, I don’t care.
[FN 2]: In more ways than one! Hey-o!
[FN 3]: This is a joke. I am not your attorney.
[FN 4]: Legal term.
[FN 5]: This may be an over-estimation of my readership.
[FN 6]: Please note that this is neither “criminal” nor necessarily requires “conversation.” Don’t ask me, I have no idea.

Fox News is obviously only for the borderline retarded. The entire network is a joke and has repeatedly been caught lying. In polls, its viewers are always the least knowledgeable when it comes to facts. The network is constantly breeding a race of loud, overbearing, ignorant Americans filled with pride. I'm sure a couple will blather incoherently in the comments section of this story, with no clue as to how stupid they actually are.

The latest example of Fox's terrible reporting occurred in the last couple of days, when the idiots at Fox News hinted that al Qaeda started the Southern California fires.

Oh, good, then say it on the air. This is the greatest example of something a journalist should never say. A news anchor should never say it. A reporter should never say it. A fucking weatherman should never say it. How about a shred of integrity and responsibility?

The allegations were made up and made on Fox & Friends, a morning show that helps idiots to wake up with fear. Fox & Friends made the claim on Wednesday, and Fox News followed it up on Thursday, even after much Internet and media ridicule. The FBI memo they refer to is four years old, not a few months, as the anchors would have you believe.

Proof and evidence are not enough to stop the incredible reporters at Fox News. There is a story there and they are going to find it even if they have to make it up. On Thursday, they dug deeper into the not real story. (Scroll to the bottom for the amazing video)

That’s a good question and one you should ask yourself before you go blathering about it on national television. Thankfully, a Fox News terror analyst was there to calm down the crazy talk.

Uh, no, not at all. The Santa Ana winds are here. The winds blow very hot air out of the desert, down the mountains and into Los Angeles. Combine the winds with a parched environment due to a drought and you have the perfect conditions for fire. Oh, and arsonist wait with their boners to start fires during the Santa Anas. But what do I know, I've only lived in California my entire life. Fox would know that if they had hired the correct analyst for this segment, they are called meteorologists.

Right. Fires are domestic terrorism. That is why arsonists have to register as sex criminals, because they are terrorists. And it is affecting women, children and innocents. Know why? Because it’s a FUCKING FIRE, asshole.

I think now would be a good time to define terrorism.

Well, someone is definitely instilling fear in civilians. Sadly, it’s a news channel. Terrorists generally like to take credit for their acts, because it scares the shit out of people. But with Fox News around, they never have to!

Yahoo, look what you can do! Do you need to go rub one out, weirdo? Seriously, why are you so excited about the damage that can be caused with such simple supplies?

No. They are going to take note of the giant erection in his pants when he was caught and chalk it up to arson.

Thanks for once again being the most embarrassing and pathetic news source on the planet Fox.

America is birthing a new Oliver North right now. It is a painful process because first we have to find a guy who is totally fucking over the country and then we have to elevate him to the level of right wing hero. The new North is Blackwater CEO Erik Prince and he is one hell of a douche bag.

Prince has been making the rounds on television lately because Blackwater has been murdering people in Iraq and they cannot be prosecuted under current laws. See, Blackwater says it falls under US military laws that give it immunity from prosecution. And coincidentally, the company says it is not a branch of the US military, so it does not have to obey the military's rules of conduct. To they can roam the land killing anybody without consequence. It’s a murder party! Yay!

Recently Blackwater murdered 17 Iraqi civilians without cause. There is no evidence that Blackwater guards were fired on by Iraqis, but a lot of evidence that Blackwater shot at innocents who had no weapons.



A bit of a hiccup by Prince when Wolf said there was no evidence of Iraqi shell casings. Uh, uh uh...

There were two teams of Blackwater guards in the area, both containing multiple vehicles. They could have easily fired on each other and then started killing civilians. Either way, they appear to be a group of mercenaries who massacred civilians.

So what to do if you are about to lose a massive military contract? PR push! Send out the emails! Turn that frown upside down! So far Prince has had interviews with The Washington Post, Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, CNN’s "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer," CBS’ "60 Minutes" and PBS’ "Charlie Rose." Today the company sent out an email.

Jesus, boo fucking hoo.

Using Blackwater murderers is far more expensive in terms of actual money and the cost of horrible publicity with Iraqis.

The average Blackwater guard makes $600, which is a tad bit more. And it’s great for our guys because they can see a bunch of assholes driving around killing people and ramming vehicles, while making shit loads more money. I believe that is what is not known as “morale building.”

Today, the Iraqi government hit back.

That actually sounds great. Get ready for a draft, kids! The US has no business bringing mercenaries into this occupation. It is a recipe for disaster and they seem to have a bit of a problem with restraint. The private businesses are a large reason why we are in a huge hole. They are operating with no oversight, fucking over everything they touch without the threat of repercussions. Our government is giving shitloads of money to corrupt businesses that do shoddy work. Just take a look at our fucked up embassy in Baghdad.

It's all part of the same problem. Private business allowed to run about and do what ever the fuck they want. At this point, the best thing that could happen to America’s misadventure in Iraq would be for the Blackwater guards to be charged in an Iraqi court for killing the civilians. But expect the right wing to circle the wagons and do what they can to help out Prince and his murderers. Then Prince will be elevated to hero status and given a radio show.

Dear Ron Paul supporters: Please shut the fuck up. You are the most annoying humans ever to walk the Earth. The fact that you do not realize your overzealous insanity is having a negative effect on undecided voters is remarkable. But, like any cult member or born again Christian, you apparently do not have the ability to really look at yourself, so I’m doing you a favor by telling you to stop it.

In a textbook case of insanity, Ron Paul is now telling people he is the only Republican who can defeat Hillary Clinton. The Paulheads will immediately post this message on every board that exists on the Internet, call friends, spray it on walls, shave it into their heads and write it in their own blood on sidewalks. Because everything Ron Jesus says is GOSPEL.

Paul has latched onto a new Rasmussen poll stating he leads Clinton among voters aged 30-49. By 47% to 44%. Wow, that’s so close it is actually meaningless. And it is in one demographic. Paul decided not to show the old people vote, because they hate him.

Right. Never mind that the entire poll shows Clinton beating Paul by a 10% margin. He trails by such a large margin because he is a fringe candidate, a raving lunatic who has zero chance of ever getting into the White House.

Let us know when you hit 4%, we’ll throw you a party. Paul supporters have become quite adept at finding some odd statistic to prove he is an actual contender. Then they drive that point home ad nauseum until you want to shoot them in the face.

Republican website Redstate.com just banned Paul supporters from their website.

Certainly it will be spun many different ways: Paul is a threat to the establishment, Paul’s message is dangerous, Paul is speaking the truth, blah blah blah. The truth is that Paul supporters are spammers and the most annoying people currently on the Internet. They destroy online polls and then freak out when the polls are taken down. It seems like everyone with a victim complex in the US found the perfect candidate.

Over the next few upcoming primary months we will be subjected to the idiot Paul fans jumping on the "stolen election" bandwagon as they continue to deny the obvious lack of popularity of their boy. Then, they will be elated when Paul decideds to run as a third party candidate. And they will be shocked when he is crushed in the general election, in which he hands the White House to the Democratic candidate.

All that will be left then is suicide. Hopefully.

FTR was working on a pilot all night and was not able to post his story at 9 AM. Please forgive him.

I will admit it without hesitation: I am a huge Stephen Colbert fan. It’s almost impossible not to be, but I understand how fickle the tastes of today’s public are. I know it was uber-hip to be a member of Colbert Nation in 2006, which means lots of you probably think he’s “all played out” and/or has “jumped the shark” by now. That’s cool. I don’t really give a rat’s ass. I think the man’s a genius.

Sitting on my bookshelf as I type this article are a copy of America: The Book, written by (among others) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert back before they were officially the yin to the other’s comedic yang. Also featured prominently is a cellophane-encased copy of Tek Jansen: Alpha Squad Seven, the first comic I’ve owned since I was about 7. If I don’t break down and buy them for myself before the holiday, my Christmas list will consist of long-sleeved sweaters, iTunes gift certificates, a Saginaw Spirit home hockey jersey and a copy of Colbert’s newest deliciously-titled book: I Am America (And So Can You!) Like I said, I’m a fan. As someone who has spent more of his life arguing about politics than is reasonably healthy, I think his entire persona is both hysterically refreshing and exactly the type of thing that this country needs. In short, he’s the best satirist in the world.

So when he embarked on his publicity tour for the new book, I tracked his progress with great affection. How would he manage to make the talk-show rounds and promote his book while savaging talk-show punditry at the same time? By capitalizing on the media’s un-natural obsession with the Presidential primaries, of course, and deftly creating his own pre-candidacy buzz. Those of us who were forwarded his guest Op-Ed column in the New York Times (thanks Necia) were treated to it firsthand.

Now, was anyone seriously pressing him to run? Of course not. But when you live in the No Fact Zone these things don’t matter. It continued not to matter when last week he “officially” declared his candidacy for the President of the United States. There were some caveats, of course, mainly that he was only running in his home state of South Carolina (“I defy any other candidate to pander more to South Carolinians, those beautiful people that they are!”) and that he was running as both a Democrat and a Republican. But was he serious or is this just another beautifully executed publicity stunt?

As with everything that Colbert does, there appears to be some truthiness behind his announcement.

Man, if there is a better encapsulation of the sheer absurdity of the presidential nomination process than the above quotation, I’d love to see it. Regardless, Colbert’s people have gone about the process of filing papers to run in South Carolina as both a Dem and a Republican, so he’s clearly at least sort-of serious. That leaves fans and political observers alike drooling in anticipation of the havoc and hilarity that could ensue. Is there any better satire possible than exposing the presidential election process from the inside? Nope. It’s pretty much the best thing ever. Even political proposition betting websites are joining in the fun.

There’s just one problem: What he’s doing could very well be illegal.

That century-old provision is2 U.S.C. § 441b, which would prohibit a corporation (in this case, Comedy Central) from donating time or money in the form of salary to his campaign.

Colbert himself addressed the issue, but only in his trademarked sarcastic way.

Again, brilliant, but again it (intentionally) doesn’t answer the question of whether or not he’s serious. For his sake it might be best if he isn’t.

The story is obviously still developing, but if he is serious (and I dearly, dearly hope he is), it will be fascinating to see how and if he can navigate the election law minefield laying before him while still getting his point across.

What the point is that he’s getting across is, as always, up for (factiless) debate.

This is a big week for idiots. They are doing their best to make us aware of something that does not exist: Islamofascism. It would be kind of like having a Headless Horseman Awareness Week, or a Bogeyman Awareness Week. So, get out your favorite anti-Islamofascist costumes, because October 22-26 we are getting very fucking aware!

Smell that? It is the sweet smell of idiots trying to think. The main moron behind this pathetic awareness week is David Horowitz. Apparently Davey had some conversations with students from different university campuses who were “concerned” how little their fellow students knew about the murderous monsters of the Middle East. The students were also worried about the“unholy alliance” between campus leftists and jihadists “seeking to undermine the War on Terror."

Admittedly the “unholy alliance” is a huge problem. You can’t swing a dead ocelot on campus these days without hitting a jihadist and a liberal who are holding hands. Thankfully, The Horo stepped up and is doing what he can to make us aware of this pressing danger.

The events sound pretty awesome and make me wish I were in college again. I do miss having protests against things that aren’t real. (I was president of the Chupacabra Awareness Group for one semester) Check out the festivities.

Memorial services for the victims of Islamic Terror both in America and around the globe.

A Student petition denouncing Islamo-Fascist violence against women, gays, Christians, Jews and non-religious people.

A Teach-In on “The Oppression of Women in Islam.”

Sit-ins in Women’s Studies Departments and campus Women’s Centers to protest their silence about the oppression of women in Islam.

Prominent speakers against Islamo-Fascism such as Ayan Hirsi Ali, Mark Steyn, David Horowitz, Nonie Darwish, Christina Hoff Sommers, Phyllis Chesler, Frank Gaffney and Daniel Pipes.

Documentary films about the Islamo-Fascist crusade against America, Israel and the West.

Distribution of materials on Islamo-Fascism including the pamphlets The Oppression of Women in Islam, The Islamic Mein Kampf, Why Israel is the Victim, Jimmy Carter’s War Against the Jews, and What Every American Needs to Know About Jihad.

How great is it that they managed to get David Horowitz to speak? Someone must have had to make a lot of phone calls. I also wonder how many of the right wing kids who are going to partake in the sit-in at the Women’s Studies Department are anti-abortion and against an ERA amendment.

The events should be fun, even though there is no such thing as an Islamofascism, according to Juan Cole of the University of Michigan.

But it sounds awesome! So, fuck off Mr. Lefty Professor. Go buy another tweed blazer with patches on the elbows. I’ll take the word of one time super Senator Rick Santorum over you any day of the week. Or these exact days.

If Santorum is involved, you know it’s serious! So be there or be a jihadist! Enjoy the shit out of this week America!

Dick Cheney has already gone to war with Iran and now he’s just waiting for the rest of us to catch up with him. He is very concerned that Iran will get their dirty, evil hands on a nuclear weapon. Yesterday, Dick warned that the US and other nations are “prepared to impose serious consequences” all over Iran, hard and long.

Ooooooo. Ima scared. Hey, here’s a question: All that money we gave to Saddam Hussein in the '80s, does that make us terrorist supporters? What about Pakistan? What about Saudi Arabia? Blah, blah, blah, on and on. The number of countries who support “terrorism” that we give money to is staggering. But, please keep speaking, Dick.

Uh, really? Did you just say that another country uses deceit? Seriously? I feel like I am in that episode of "Star Trek," where four member of the crew are beamed to an alternate, evil universe. We are basically dealing with an evil Kirk here. I want the good one back. Fix the fucking transporter, Scotty.

Expect quite a bit of this kind of talk coming out of the White House. The other day Bush started rambling about “World War III,” with no understanding that he is going to be the one to start it.

I am really comfortable that George is in charge. Not at all scary when the president says if Iran “has the knowledge” to make a nuclear weapon that he will start WWIII. He most probably didn’t realize he was saying that, but drunks tend to accidentally speak the truth. Of course, the not drunk guy is scarier.

Uh, hey Dick. The Ayatollah Khomeini was educated in Iraq. Odds are Iran is going to have a few connections to the Shiites there, but you would have known that if you had picked up a book before you charged into the Iraq with all the planning and thoughtfulness of a drunk frat boy slamming his cock into a passed out sorority girl.

Bah ha ha. Iran does not want a weak Iraq. A weak Iraq could lead to conflict with Saudi Arabia. Iran just wants the US to leave, so the process of turning Iraq into the theocracy it was always meant to be can finally happen.

But the most important point of this entire debate is that Iran will never use a nuclear weapon on the US or Israel. People in power simply want to stay in power and that includes the Iranian religious nuts who run the country. If Iran used a nuclear weapon, the country would be wiped off the map the next day. It’s suicide and it will never happen. To argue such a point is moronic. But Iran is today’s big bad, so be very afraid!

Meanwhile, you should not be afraid of our buddies Saudi Arabia. While Cheney was getting ready for our future attack on Iran, George was certifying Saudi Arabia as an anti-terrorism ally! Yay!

The declaration is required under US law if we want to give aid to Saudi Arabia. And Lord knows they need some aid! Those poor bastards have been suffering for too long.

Super. Most of the 9/11 bombers came from Saudi Arabia. The country has been linked to supporting terrorists over and over and over. Just two months ago, undersecretary for Terrorism and Financial Intelligence Stuart Levey, had this to say about Saudi Arabia.

According to Levey, not a single individual that has been identified as a terrorist by America or the UN has been prosecuted by Saudi Arabia. Those crazy helpers! So, what have we learned?

First, get those evil motherfuckers Iran! And second, help Saudi Arabia, so they can kill us!

The government of Myanmar is full of evil fucks, plain and simple. Because of out of control inflation and a need for more electricity, people began protesting earlier this year. Last month the country's monks joined the protests and began marching. The junta brought in soldiers and crushed the peaceful protests. Thousands of monks were killed and arrested. Internet access was shut down, visas were denied for foreign journalists. For days, soldiers raided homes and monasteries, dragging away dissidents and killing others.

Today, the Burmese people’s normal state of fear and oppression has returned. The streets are quiet and will probably remain so for a long time. Many people around the world were disappointed by the failure of foreign countries to apply pressure on the military regime and they are fighting back. With panties.

Activists in Thailand began a campaign called, “Panties for Peace.” Women are being asked to send their panties to Myanmar embassies around the world because the regimes military leaders believe women’s panties will “sap them of their power.” It’s kind of like kryptonite to Superman, except it’s panties and they are murderous thugs.

I can tell them right now, that it will not. As a matter of fact, it might give them an erection, depending on what is happening at the moment.

This may be the greatest protest in the history of mankind. Too bad it was borne out of frustration.

So, for now, take off your filthy panties and send them to a Myanmar embassy.

Address For Thailand:
Myanmar Embassy
132 Sathorn Nua Road
Bangkok

I'd do it if I had panties. As it is, I have no power over those bastards because I'm not a cross dresser.

It's Saturday, or as it is known in Jerusalem, Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. Each week I scan the news to find the scum of the week. It is not an easy job and I suffer greatly for my efforts. But in the end, I am simply serving you, the humble SG member. You must know the names of all the Asshole Fuckfaces who are roaming the Earth. So, put on your plastic bibs because this is not going to be pretty.

We can always count on the religious right to provide some fantastic Asshole Fuckface quotes.

This week Republican presidential candidate Mick Huckabee was asked if he would commit to helping the UN reach its goal of 50 billion for AIDS funding by 2015. He sidestepped the question with a classic politician dodge. Another reporter then asked Huckabee if his religious views would get in the way in regards to AIDS funding?

Huckabee gave an awesome answer that, of course, compared encouraging safe sex with telling domestic abusers not to “hit as hard.” Seriously.

Yep. We should tell people not to have sex. That is the same as telling an asshole not to hit his wife as hard. You are truly an Asshole Fuckface, Mike Huckabee.

Where there is one Asshole Fuckface Republican candidate, there is always another close behind.

Republicans despise the UN because they have been brain washed to do so. They have few actual facts and quite a bit of bullshit rhetoric. Sometimes their hatred overwhelms them so much that they double hate the UN, like Mitt Romney.

Fuck yeah, we should! Of course, we already did that. The US doesn’t have a seat on the Human Rights Council because we are already boycotting. But we can always Double Extra Boycott!

Mitt Romney also thinks we should have a brand new UN! He said he would support a new, different “coalition of free nations of the world.”

How awesome and inexpensive would that be to create? Of course, this new body of countries would try to stop the US from doing whatever the hell it wanted and the right wing would have to start hating it. It’s the cycle of life!

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "I don't think that was enough to make it into the Roundup." Well, then how about some bonus Mitt. I call this video, "What an Asshole Fuckface Pussy."



Nice work, Mitt. You showed humanity, integrity, courage and a huge spoonful of Asshole Fuckfacery.

You can always tell an Asshole Fuckface because they don’t know what is and what isn’t torture.

Bush’s nominee to fill the Attorney General vacancy spent last week in front of the Senate. On Thursday, Michael Mukasey was widely praised by Democrats for his answers during his confirmation hearing. On Thursday night he took a little trip to the White House and on Friday his answers became laughable.

You should be sorry. You are a highly respected lawyer who is suffering from a rare case of self-inflicted retardation. Oh, and you are one hell of an Asshole Fuckface.

It is mind-boggling that this is the state of our country. We are now in a time where the nominee for Attorney General of the United States actually does not know if waterboarding is torture.

Water boarding has been around for centuries. It was a common interrogation technique during the Italian Inquisition of the 1500s.
First you strap a person to an inclined board, with his feet raised and his head lowered. Then you gag him. Next, you repeatedly pour water onto the person's face. The waves of water make the persons’ mind believe he is drowning. The gag reflex kicks in as if he were choking. "9/11 mastermind" Khalid Sheik Mohammed lasted about two minutes before confessing to everything of which he was accused.

Bush’s policies have made it impossible to have an Attorney General who is honest and conscientious. A nominee cannot serve the president and the law at the same time, just like you can’t work for Saruman and Gandolf at the same time. You either follow the law or you do the bidding of Bush. If you take Bush, then you should not be the Attorney General. End of story.

Democrats should not confirm Asshole Fuckface Mukasey if he can’t figure out what is torture. But they will.

Fortunately for Mukasey, there is a group of Asshole Fuckfaces called the Senate Democrats. Congrats, guy who shouldn’t get the job!

It’s not often that a Nobel Prize winner gets labeled an Asshole Fuckface, which makes today a special day.

Dr. James Watson won the Nobel Prize in 1963 for discovering the structure of DNA. Obviously discovering the double helix has been a big deal for scientific breakthroughs ever since. Which makes it all that much more horrible that Dr. Watson decided to explain the inferiority of black people this week.

Uh...right. Uh. So...

Watson then backed it up with some fantastic scientific evidence.

Wow. You’re a Nobel Laureate? Really? Because it seems like you might be more of an Asshole Fuckfaceate.

Watson's upcoming lecture at London’s Science Museum was promptly cancelled. Hopefully when he returns to the lab, one of his black employees can explain to him why he is an Asshole Fuckface.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper hockey stick!

Welcome to the eighty-second installment of Subrosa’s SCOTUS Interruptus, a quasi-weekly column dedicated to keeping the SuicideGirls.com community abreast (hey-o!) of the Court’s important decisions, argument schedule and whatever else is relevant for that particular week. As always, a record of the opinions published by the Court can be found on their website here.


Last month, the lady and gents at the Court raised a few eyebrows by agreeing to hear the case of Baze v. Rees, a death penalty case that doesn’t challenge the constitutionality of capital punishment, but rather brings up the issue of whether execution by lethal injection violates the Eighth Amendment’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. There, the condemned is basically arguing “Hey, I don’t so much mind that you kill me, but please don’t kill me like that! It might hurt, see.” It’s one of those completely-logical-and-yet-ridiculous-sounding arguments that makes me love the law so much.

It actually makes sense that the court granted certiorari here. In order to get a case on the Supreme Court docket, you need only four Justices to agree to hear the case. Justices Ginsberg, Breyer, Souter and Stevens have a pretty solid anti-death penalty voting record, whereas Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Roberts are old-school Hangin’ Justices. As always, the wild card is Justice Kennedy. Now, given the general conservative lean of the current Court, you might expect the “liberal” justices to not want to vote to hear the case here. Basically, if you lose you risk setting up bad precedent that will be much more difficult to fix down the road. Better save the battle for a better time, you might say.

However, Kennedy, for all his pro-executive, pro-authority, pro-religion in government, anti-affirmative action and anti-integration viewpoints is also a pretty strong Catholic with a Catholic’s view on the death penalty. In short, he’s not so much a fan. It was Kennedy who wrote the opinion in Roper v. Simmons that outlawed capital punishment for minors. The Roper opinion was, in typical Kennedy fashion, almost literary in the way it deconstructed the arguments for capital punishment and deftly wove a discussion of international norms into the cruel and unusual punishment analysis. If other countries considered the execution of minors to be barbaric and did not use it, Kennedy argued, then the practice was cruel, unusual and unconstitutional.

So you can see why it makes sense for the liberal justices to vote to hear the case. With Kennedy’s analysis in Roper on the books, they stand a good chance at winning. There’s also an added bonus here that they probably anticipated. While the merits of the case won’t be decided for several months, by simply agreeing to hear Baze, they also managed to put a de facto moratorium on the practice of lethal injection in the United States.

In short, lower federal and state courts are freaking the fuck out and refusing to execute anyone via lethal injection in the interim. Again, it makes sense. Wouldn’t they look like assholes if they stuck a needle in some dude’s arm today and then three months from now the Justices told them it was a constitutional no-no? Yeah. They would.

Adding to the fun is the fact that the Court itself is passing out stays of execution like they’re neck bandanas at a hipster party.

How many states use lethal injection? All but Nebraska (who are hella old school and use the fuckin’ chair baybee!!! Ride the lightening, bitchezzz!!!111), and they’ve got nothing scheduled.

State courts, who are not automatically under the authority of the Supreme Court, are now following the fed’s lead. Basically, we’ve got a total shut-down of the death penalty until this is decided. Good news for pinko commies like me who think the death penalty is about as barbaric a practice that we as a society endorse, but will it be good news for the actual inmates? It will depend on how strong their arguments are that lethal injection is cruel and unusual. To me, it seems pretty fucking clear.

Yeah, because they’re paralyzed. And what if the practice is found unconstitutional? What then?

Mr. Butler is exactly right. We are splitting hairs, and that seems to me to be the strongest argument against the constitutionality of the death penalty of any kind. There is no way to kill someone that is not cruel. There is no way to kill someone that is not “unusual” by international standards. The idea that we can kill people but only in certain ways because they might be in pain is ridiculous to me. Of course they’re going to be in pain, they’re fucking dying. It’s not a beauty spa. It’s legal hypocrisy and it’s absurd.

At any rate, death penalty advocates are bumming because their annual body count will be below average. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Yesterday, Democratic Senator Chris Dodd stood up to Bush, Republicans and even his own party and showed them all what leadership qualities actually look like. The Democrats were about to cave once again, this time on the FISA wiretapping bill, when Dodd placed a hold on the legislation. It is the first time any Democrat has said, “Enough is enough.” As of now, the bill is stalled.

Amazingly, the Democratic leadership had once again given in to our very unpopular president’s wishes to undermine the Constitution. The bill would have given retroactive immunity to telecommunication companies for breaking the law. Democrats were actually going to let companies and the president get away with breaking the law.

I thought the government was made up of three branches. This article in the Washington Post is a tad misleading, because it is not the government that gave a legal directive, but the White House. This sort of shitty reporting is becoming the norm, however, and it is part of the reason Bush can get away with his nightmarish policies. They also neglected to mention that Democrat Jay Rockefeller is a telecom whore and greased this bill through his committee.

There is absolutely no need to update FISA as the Patriot Act already gutted it. In 2001 Bush authorized the NSA to secretly wiretap Americans without a court order, which happened to be illegal at the time. Telecommunication companies jumped at the chance to give away private citizens records and Bush was on his way to violating the Fourth Amendment. Comcast even charged the administration $1000 for each person’s record they illegally handed over. Currently lawsuits are making their way through the courts and it is not looking good for the telecom companies.

The Democratic Congress has attempted to investigate the administrations circumvention of FISA, but the president has refused to give up any documents. And Vice President Cheney went as far as to actually block telecom companies from testifying before Congress, an act that is not even remotely legal. Now that a federal court has found the entire program to be illegal and unconstitutional, the telecom companies could be liable for damages. But we can’t have that now, can we? Those poor companies took part in a crime because a powerful person asked them to. How can you hold someone liable for something like that? If my mayor asks me to rape a lady, I do it and I shouldn’t be prosecuted for it. That is how America works. If an elected leader asks you to break the law, you do it and you get off totally free.

The Democrats gave in after blustering last week that the the telecom companies would not get immunity until they explained what criminal acts had been committed. Bush said no to the request, and the Democrats then reverted to their normal spineless selves and said, “Okay," because they are the world’s biggest pussies who wouldn’t know power if it was rammed up their anuses. (That is a double body hole sentence – 27 points)

But one man stood up yesterday and put a stop to this egregious crap: Chris Dodd.

As far as I am concerned, someone just stepped to the front of the Democrat presidential candidate line. Barack Obama can blow all the rhetoric he wants out of his mouth, but until he actually stands up and takes action I don’t give a shit or have any reason to believe what he says. We don’t need the “politics of hope” right now; we need the “politics of knock that shit off.” Hillary Clinton runs her campaign by polls and would never have the courage actually stand up for what she believes in, whatever the fuck that is. Chris Dodd showed leadership qualities today, more than any other Democratic candidate so far. Personal strength is the most attractive quality a politician can have and Dodd is looking like the man right now.

So, what does the hold accomplish? Holds are a strange thing. If a Senator wants to hold up a bill, they tell the party leader that they will object and withhold their support from a bill being brought to the floor under unanimous consent. It forces the Senator supporting the bill to follow the actual rules of the Senate, which are much more difficult. They have to make a “motion to proceed,” which requires a vote on whether or not to start debate. The objecting Senator can then filibuster the motion to proceed. At that point 60 votes would be required to stop the filibuster. In a Senate that barely has a majority, Senators generally don’t want to risk angering anyone who they may need on their side some day. It’s an “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” situation.

If Democrats vote to end the filibuster, they are pissing off one of their own – in this case a man who is putting his career on the line for what he believes is right. And now Dodd is that guy in Tiananmen Square standing in front of the tanks. The left’s heroes, like Boxer, Feingold and Obama, did not have the balls to take this action. It is a big deal and a rare show of responsibility, courage and conviction by a politician.

And Dodd is about to get hit with a shit storm from the right. I don’t think we’ve ever seen the kind of attack we are about to witness on just one man. He will be threatened with retribution in the Senate by the right wing. His fellow lawmakers will threaten to filibuster and knock down every bill he introduces from this day forward. Fox News, the president and AM radio are going to go ape shit on the man. But Dodd did it anyway and it is important to recognize.

Dodd is a rare politician and everyone should now take a look at the man as a presidential candidate. At the very least, you can shoot him a message to thank him for doing what is right.

Update:

Majority Leader and amazing coward Harry Reid is threatening to do what he can to push the bill forward. Dodd responds:

Insurance for poor kids: thirteen votes short.

Let's have a look at Representative Walden's voting record, shall we?

• Voted NO on redeploying US troops out of Iraq starting in 90 days.
• Voted YES on declaring Iraq part of War on Terror with no exit date.
• Voted YES on approving removal of Saddam & valiant service of US troops.
• Voted YES on authorizing military force in Iraq.

He also

• Voted YES on replacing illegal export tax breaks with $140B in new breaks
• Voted YES on more prosecution and sentencing for juvenile crime
• Voted YES on military border patrols to battle drugs & terrorism
• Voted NO on removing oil & gas exploration subsidies
• Voted YES on establishing nationwide AMBER alert system for missing kids
• Voted YES on reducing Marriage Tax by $399B over 10 years (i.e., reducing government revenue)
• Voted YES on reforming the UN by restricting US funding
• Voted YES on withholding $244M in UN Back Payments until US seat restored (so much for contracts)
• Voted YES on $15.2 billion for foreign operations
• Voted YES on $266 billion Defense Appropriations bill
• Voted YES on building a fence along the Mexican border
• Voted YES on $167B over 10 years for farm price supports
• Voted YES on retaining reduced taxes on capital gains & dividends
• Voted YES on making permanent an increase in the child tax credit
• Voted YES on permanently eliminating the marriage penalty
• Voted YES on making the Bush tax cuts permanent
• Voted YES on $99 B economic stimulus: capital gains & income tax cuts
• Voted YES on Tax cut package of $958 B over 10 years
• Voted YES on eliminating the Estate Tax
• Voted YES on eliminating the "marriage penalty"
• Voted YES on $46 billion in tax cuts for small business
• (voted to) phaseout the death tax
• Voted YES on treating religious organizations equally for tax breaks.

So you know, no contracts we can't afford to pay for.

Fucking asshole.

Bitch_PhD hopes people remember this shit come election time.

I know, I know, guys. Writing articles about Bush is sooooo 2005. Forget outrage fatigue, I know most of us are bordering on outrage catatonia at this point. But for a moment, try to harken back to that fall of 2004 when you thought that George W. Bush was the Most Evil Man in the Universe and that the Neo-Cons would rule for ages and ages to come. You know, back to when Bush was polling above even his own pathetic IQ.

Back then, if Congress had gotten up the balls to pass a Federal Shield Law by an overwhelming majority and Bush said, “Fuck it, I like putting journalists in jail,” wouldn’t that piss you the hell off?

Welcome to Tantrum Town. Population = You.

Here you’ve got a bill with about 95% of the House of Representatives voting for it that is designed to aid the free flow of information to the public. The free flow of information happens to be something that the founders of our country thought was so important that they made journalists the only private occupation to have specific Constitutional protection. Moreover, it’s a bill that that would enact a law that is already working comfortably for thirty-one states and the District of Columbia. And then the President comes along and says he’s gonna veto it. What a twat, right?

But wait, there’s more! Want to know the reason why Bush threatened to veto the bill?

Oh that is fucking rich. Just ask Scooter Libby and Richard Armitrage how much the President cares about leaking classified information. Can’t have the press finding out about another flap like the NSA wiretapping program, can we? God damn, they’re pricks.

The real reason we’re getting pushback from the White House on the proposed federal shield law is that enacting one would lessen the power of the executive to strong-arm reporters into giving up their sources. Thus, the Administration loses a crucial end-run around actually doing their jobs. Why waste time investigating crimes yourself when you’ve got the press to do it for you? And if they don’t, well, throw them in jail like you did with Josh Wolf or Judith Miller, or like you threatened to do with Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada.

Look, I’m all in favor of the sanctity of the judicial process. It bothers me when, like in the BALCO case, sealed grand jury testimony gets leaked. And I understand the “Law and Order” viewpoint that often the only way to find illegal leakers and prosecute them is to go through the reporter they leaked the info to. I’m sympathetic to those concerns. But that doesn’t mean they should trump the ability of the Fourth Estate to do their jobs. The public has a right to know and journalists have a right... nay, a goddamned Constitutional responsibility to tell them. If that means some people get away with breaking the law in certain circumstances, so be it.

I recognize that we live in a time where the mainstream press is so coagulated, so docile, so lazy and so institutionalized that wealthy benefactors have to set up non-profit press corps to insure that true investigative reporting actually gets done. I recognize that the mainstream press is so laughably bad that two shtick-y comedians who do almost nothing but poke fun at the press are pretty much universally perceived as having more integrity than the whole lot of 24 hour news networks combined. The profession of journalism needs a massive overhaul, starting with a “Ma Bell” style de-consolidation of the media conglomerates. That much is certain. Another part of the solution is to ensure that reporters don’t risk jail time for seeking out important stories. This bill would do that.

Luckily, if the support that this bill received in the House is at all translated to the Senate, we won’t have to worry about President Gargamel’s veto pen. Thank goodness for that. This Federal shield law has been a long, long time coming.

George Bush is attempting to show Americans how very much he wants them to contract AIDS and have unwanted children by naming an opponent of birth control to head the federal government planning office. Susan Orr has been appointed to the position of acting deputy assistant secretary for population affairs. Orr will oversee $283 million in grants that are meant to provide low-income families with contraceptive services, counseling and preventive screenings. Did I mention she is against the use of contraceptives?

Obviously, it’s a brilliant idea for a religious fanatic like Bush to make it difficult for poor people to get their hands on contraception. That way they can get pregnant and abort the babies, just like Jesus would have wanted. Just five days ago the World Health Organization released a study about abortion and contraceptives.

What better way to celebrate that study than to appoint a woman who is so backwards that she should be riding around in a buggy and making her own butter? Orr kind of has a difficult time understanding the complexity of the issue.

Fucking bingo! Someone finally speaking the truth about fertility. I am so sick and tired of insurance plans treating fertility like it is some sort of disease. It is not. Fertility is a miracle. It is actually when Jesus takes the tiny man tadpole and puts it inside the woman orb, which makes an instant baby. Because Jesus is involved, insurance companies obviously should not try to stop people from making babies.

Family planner providers were not too pleased with Orr's appointment.

Although it’s not like the last guy who held the position was any better. Eric Keroack had previously worked as the medical director of a Christian pregnancy counseling organization that also was against contraceptives. Keroack resigned in March because he had to take care of a fraud allegation by the Massachusetts Medicaid program against his private practice.

Nice job, George. At least you are consistent. Oh, and I would like you to eat my used contraceptive.

Next year’s elections are looking to be a mighty ugly experience for Republicans. Historically, incumbents usually win elections and that has been especially true lately because incumbents have a much easier time raising cash than their opponents. And cash is the name of the game. But Bush’s devastating policies led to a brutal Democratic sweep of both houses last year and ’08 is looking like it may be another massacre.

That means Democrats can spend their money in fewer races, while Republicans have to spread it out. And Democrats have been heavily out fundraising Republicans, which is very troubling for the GOP.

But Republicans are starting to bail, instead of putting up a fight. So far, several Republican Senators have decided to retire. They are taking polls and listening to their constituents and it does not look good. As of today the retirement list looks like this:

Colorado Senator Wayne Allard is retiring.
New Mexico Senator Pete Domenici is retiring.
Virginia Senator John Warner is retiring.
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is retiring.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig is retiring. (To spend more time fucking dudes)

That makes five seats where there will be no incumbent and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has reportedly told insiders to expect more. Many of the open seats are in states that lean right, but New Mexico, Colorado and Virginia could all be easy pickups for Democrats.

Other Senators who are in deep shit are the rare New England Republicans. John Sununu of New Hampshire and Susan Collins are pretty much fucked. They have been voting with Republicans and the Bush White House for years, basically shoving the stake into their own hearts. Consider them done.

In Minnesota, Norm Coleman will have a tough race on his hands against Al Franken, who has been using his Hollywood connections to raise money. Gordon Smith of Oregon is also on shaky ground and Alaska is shaping up to be a complete disaster.

On the Democratic side, only one seat is in danger: Senator Mary Landrieu of Louisiana. Katrina changed the political make up of the state and the GOP now has a much greater chance of winning. Experts give her only a 50% chance of winning.

Meanwhile, Democrats are trying to spotlight Republicans who always vote to support Bush’s policies.

The Democrats are hoping for a 60-seat margin, which would make them filibuster proof. It is a very remote possibility, but nothing can be counted out as long as Bush remains in office, running the country like a drunken frat boy. Taking control of the Senate in ’06 was considered just as remote of a possibility and they pulled it off.

Either way, it looks like Democrats will pick up seats in the Senate. Right now the only question is how many. The good news is we will probably see douche bag Joe Lieberman lose his position as Chairman of the Governmental Affairs Committee. The only sad thing would be to watch Senate Republicans still manage to out maneuver Democrats and pass their legislation with only 40 Senators.

It is fascinating to watch Democrats make such stupid decisions when picking presidential candidates. We can go back to the eighties and take a look at Michael Dukakis or Walter Mondale. What the fuck? Pathetic candidates. Then came Bill Clinton, the Godsend. Realistically, he squeaked through. Without Ross Perot taking votes from Bush senior, he probably would have lost. And he certainly came with a shit load of baggage. After Clinton, the Democrats picked the most boring man alive, Al Gore. They followed that lame pick with the extraordinarily weak John Kerry. You could offer Kerry $10,000 and he couldn’t say something in a sound bite.

Now the Democrats are in a fantastic situation. The Iraq occupation is still seen as a Republican creation and a Republican problem. The majority of Americans want the war to end. So, who is leading the primary polls? Hillary Clinton, one of the few people running who voted for the war. And she has not backed down from her vote. Now, of course, she says she wants to end the occupation, (because the polls have changed) but she is still a war mongering corporate tool. The one issue Democrats could knock out of the park and they will put forth a candidate that who barely differs from the Republican opponents. Amazing, but consistent.

Sure, we are a long way from Election Day, but right now Clinton is pulling away in primary state polls. As careful as she plays the game, I would not expect a crazy Howard Dean scream meltdown. She has a massive funding machine in place and a shitload of Clinton heads who will vote for anyone who was ever anywhere near Bill. It’s sad, because I don’t see a big difference between some of her policies and Bush’s policies. Take Iran. Here’s what she wrote in Foreign Affairs this month.

Okay, so what Hillary is talking about here is pre-emptive war. If they do what we want them to do, then all is well. But if Iran does what it wants to do, then “All options must remain on the table.” That is how Hillary has decided to treat a sovereign nation. Seems quite familiar to another president who is currently in office. Never mind that Iran would never attack the US in a million years with a nuclear weapon. Whoever thinks that is a possibility is complete and total moron. And we should not be bombing to protect Israel. They seem to be big boys and can take care of their own problems.

Hillary already has already given Bush the green light to attack Iran’s Revolutionary Guard.

Ignorance at its best, the same as we’ve gotten from Bush for all these years.

From the Iranian perspective the answer is obvious: Make as many nuclear weapons as fast as you can. We invaded Iraq, who didn’t have them and eventually talked to North Korea, who did have them. It’s pretty simple; a nuclear weapon is the only thing that will make the US back off.

The idea that Hillary actually used the line, “let the Iranian people know that our quarrel is not with them but with their government” is fucking amazing. That’s a Bush line, straight out of the build up to the Iraq war. It also something the Iranian people won’t really go for when bombs are raining down on their country and killing them.

Only targeting the Revolutionary Guard is an idiotic idea. The Guard is not a separate entity from the Iranian population. They are not bred in warehouses on an island.

So, that should help with the “we only have a problem with your government” plan. We are killing your brothers and fathers because we don’t like your government. Cool? Bombing will only increase support for the Iranian government, rather than foster any roots of democracy.

But keep throwing your support behind Hillary, Democrats. Of all Democratic candidates, she is the only one I could see leading the US into another war.