One hundred. This is a milestone or something. A centenary of Asshole Fuckfacing. What better way to celebrate than with another horrible, horrible Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Put something on and get ready for some stuff.

First, some disgusting pro-some life Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our religious zealots have a lot of explaining to do this week. Not just for the murder they committed, but also for their reaction to the murder. On Sunday, anti-abortion lunatic and American terrorist Scott P. Roeder shot and killed Dr. George Tiller. Tiller was one of the few doctors in America willing to provide 2nd and 3rd term abortions.

Oh, good, the gunman did it in church, in front of God and probably a bunch of children. I was worried this might be really creepy. Roeder is a terrorist, plain and simple. In the past, he was caught with explosives.

He is a member of the American Taliban.

Jesus Fail.

Roeder should be waterboarded in order to get information out of him about other American terrorists. Since that is what we do to terrorists, we should get on it pronto (and take photographs -- so we can destroy them later after leaking some to the press). Also, we might want to start putting these type of citizens on a list of possible terrorists. They certainly should be placed on the “no fly list.”

These ones have all put their names next to their Twitter updates, so they should be easy to identify.

Terrorist sympathizers, every single one. They support the Dr. Killer killer, so let’s put them on the “no fly list” and waterboard them for info. Let’s get to it. Now. Please. Thanks.

Next up, some office hi-jinks Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sometimes it’s hard not to take a little something from the workplace. Stapler at home broken? Why that one on your desk seems nice. How about those files? Really could use a couple for the cabinet at home? Pens? Want and need. Or maybe you need a foot.

Hey, when you need a foot, you need a foot. There's no getting around that.

No. But he didn’t need it, right? He’s got another one.

First question: Why can’t that be Adam Lambert? Second question: What the fuck?

Yeah, I’d believe that if you hadn’t taken HIS FOOT.

No, it doesn’t. She took a dude’s FOOT.

Next up, a lunatic lying Asshole Fuckface.

Dick Cheney is obviously the worst human being America has produced this century. Not only is he a crazy torture fanboy, but he also enjoys lying out of his ass constantly. This week, former Bush I and Clinton counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke criticized Cheney for using 9/11 to justify his torture nonsense. Cheney no likey.

Um. Dude.

Other than that, and telling Condi Rice Al Qaeda would be the Bush Administration’s biggest problem, yeah, you totally nailed it. Many politicians seem to forget that videotape exists that undermines their current positions, but Dick Cheney seems to forget that print exists. He still hasn’t wrapped his little brain around the existence of the written word.

Finally, some visual WTF Asshole Fuckfacery.



Totally not gay. You know who would have loved this? George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, Lenny Bruce, Johnny Carson. They were all about their sweet, sweet bodies. Anyone who knows anything knows a comedian isn’t good until he can pose in Entertainment Weekly straining his oiled up abs so hard his capillaries might burst.

I remember when comedians were the guys who were tormented by the hypocrisy, unfairness and insanity they saw in society and were driven to point it out. Now, it’s all about abs.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I was very sad to see Obama pass on my gay pick for the Supreme Court. I really wanted the Republicans to be forced to show their colors as they made homosexuality the main issue to keep someone off the bench. It didn’t happen. Fortunately, Obama went with a pick that is so politically shrewd it is astounding: Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Turns out she’s not white. After the dust settles, the Democrats will have created a majority for many, many, many years. Why? Because Republicans can’t stop their racist nonsense from spewing forth out of their loud holes. By the time this nomination process is over, America’s Hispanic population will be done with the Republicans for a long, long time.

Immediately after the pick, the idiots went on the offensive. Rush Limbaugh, who is a shocking racist, declared Judge Sonia Sotomayor a racist. Rush is one of the leaders of the Republican Party and he is losing his shit over the Sotomayor pick.

Right. Racism should remain where it belongs – on AM radio. Next Newt Gingrich also joined the asshole party. He’s made statements to the press and has Twittered about Sotomayor.

Oooooo. This southern white racist seems to be upset with the Latina. And he follows it through to its natural conclusion.

Wow, what a weird thing to Tweet during a trip to Auschwitz. But, hey, stay focused and all that. Don’t feel weird Twittering about a Latina woman being racist while you are at the hellmouth of hatred, super white guy.

Naturally, Newt followed up with with an email to his minions that explained how Sotomayor nomination is “un-American.” Totally. That’s why George H. Bush nominated her to the bench. Of course, the racism charge stems from a quote taken out of context. Here’s the deeply offensive statement.

Oh no! She’s worse than the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan! What will white men do?!?! If you really want to know how the right wing is spinning this, take a look at the entire speech. Not at all what they are spinning it into.

But let’s take that quote out of context and accept it. How’d this guy make it on the bench?

What the fuck?!?! Racist son of a bitch! How dare he use his life to contaminate his views. How’s he on the bench?!?!

While most, but not all, of the Republican lawmakers in Congress are saying this nomination should not have anything to do with race, they are letting the attack dogs run wild. Tom Tancredo is running around freaking about Sotomayor being a member of La Raza, which he says is a Latino KKK. He mostly says that because he is retarded.



Um, yeah. Remember all those lynchings of white people La Raza pulled off in the west? Man, those were some dark days. And in the '50s, you couldn’t go a week without hearing a story about a group of Latinos dragging a white man behind a truck by a chain.

Tancredo – and my father – believe La Raza means “The Race.” It does not.

While I know they are completely incorrect and their attacks are insane, I’d like them to continue. And I’d like them to go on every news channel, radio station and talk show in America. Scream that message loud and often, idiots, because you are doing even more damage to your already unpopular party. If it continues at this pace, the damage will be permanent. By the time this is over, Latinos will flock to the Democratic Party in dramatic numbers.

They need to keep this up. It looks like nothing other than angry privileged white men attacking a woman because of her race. And the news networks will eat it up and continue putting these morons on the television because it’s conflict and conflict means ratings.

Oh, and there’s an added bonus. Republican on Republican violence. Not all conservatives are pleased about the attacks on Sotomayor. They can see them for what they are: The death of the Republican Party, which may not be able to resurrect itself from this for years.

That’s not how your side came into power. You guys rode the back of fear and hideous attacks. Your peeps are doing what they have always done. They literally know no other way. You’re just pack animals who have tasted blood and won’t stop until you’re put down.

I mean, look at this shit.

This dude has his own radio show.

Please. Keep. Going.

So, it should be all white men.

Sit back, pray for more racist nonsense and enjoy the show. It’s the end of any hope the Republican Party ever had at regaining control of Congress.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Three months after the federal Conservatives passed their budget, with the support of the Liberal party (outside of Newfoundland & Labrador), members of all three opposition parties are calling for Finance Minister Jim Flaherty to resign, or be fired, from his position. These calls come at the heel of Flaherty’s recent announcement that the Federal deficit will be much higher than predicted -- $16 billion dollars higher, to be precise.

In January, the Conservatives, who promised during the Federal election in October 2008 that there would be zero deficit spending, forecasted a deficit of some $34 billion in 2009-2010. Prior to that, in the Conservative's economic update in the fall of 2008, Flaherty had predicted a surplus for 2009. Now Flaherty is saying the deficit will run over $50 billion dollars. If things continue at pace, we’ll soon find ourselves in hole much deeper than that.

However, Jim refutes the opposition’s demands that he step down or be fired, saying “I’m busy doing my job.” That may be true, but clearly, he’s not doing it very well. Indeed, Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff has gone so far as to call Flaherty’s “handling” of the economic crisis “incompetence on a historic scale.” Perhaps a little harsh, there Michael, but then again, maybe not. Ignatieff went on to (correctly) tell the House of Commons that “Canadians are tired of these sorry ‘guesstimates’ – they want to know the truth” about how far deeper in debt we’re going to get as these recession days continue to pile up.

For his part, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was quick to call Ignatieff a “hypocrite”, slamming the Conservative government one moment for running a deficit, then demanding the government spend more money the next.

Of course, Steve has a point: it can’t be easy trying to fix a system that’s inherently fucked while pandering to opposition politicians who are vying for a chance to run the show. Then again, Harper offers no realistic answer to Ignatieff’s question, passing the buck back to the economy, saying the deficit spending will end when the economy rights itself. However, there is globally no sign of any economy righting itself as of yet, so I for one, am not holding my breath on that one.

Meanwhile, other economic shenanigans abound across the Dominion. While upwards of 300,000 jobs have been lost since the Conservatives promised not to run a deficit if reelected in October 2008, board members of the Canadian Pension Plan, which recorded losses of $24 billion in 2008, awarded clearly inept executes some $17 million in bonuses in the past 2 years.

NDP leader Jack Layton called out the Prime Minister, who approved the bonuses, on this issue. In their inimitable style, Harper and Flaherty shrugged off these criticisms, with Steve saying, “That is a board decision, not a government decision.” Enough said, right? I mean, those board members only lost $24 billion of tax payers money, while Harper and Flaherty are in the process of potentially pissing away upwards of four times that amount.

So: should Finance Minister Flaherty step down, or should the PM fire the bastard? Conversely, should a man who less than a year ago, while much of the world was already beginning to feel the “credit crunch”, predicted Canada would enjoy a surplus of government funds this year be allowed to keep his job in the face of what is approaching an $80 billion-plus deficit?

In the real world, far removed from the chauffeured, air-conditioned bubble of Ottawa, this sorry bastard would have lost his job months ago. Such is life. Tighten your belts, friends -- this shit storm is just beginning!

How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. You’d think after all the thrashings they’ve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they can’t. They have to do their evil deeds and shame all of mankind. Thank God I am here to drag them out of the darkness for you to mock. And this week there will be plenty of mocking because these creeps exhibit extra Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put on your favorite leather rug because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Canadian Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s worse than beating a seal to death with a club? How about advocating for the guys who beat seals to death with clubs? Canada’s Governor General, Michaelle Jean, knows how to show her solidarity with seal clubbers. The poor seal clubbers are upset because the European Union voted to ban seal products on the grounds that the “seal hunt is cruel.” I guess. I mean, if you think beating something to death with a blunt instrument is cruel, then it is. Hippy.

Sure. Did you want to bathe in the blood, too? Maybe put the seal eyes in your eye sockets and run around screaming?

Well, who can argue with someone that makes such a convincing point? I bet if you eat the seal anus, everyone in the world would reverse all seal product bans.

How about an official, “What the fuck?” I think it’s in order.

Yeah. “Great stuff.” She’s really helping your cause. Too bad Jeffrey Dahlmer is dead or you could sign him up, too.

Next up, some phone company Asshole Fuckfacery.

A 62-year-old man from Carrollton, Ohio flipped out this week. The local Sheriff received a call because he was “destroying the house and breaking windows and other items.” Dude then grabbed a bunch of pills and ran off. Law enforcement officials were very worried about the man’s life, so they began a search.

Police officers also decided to call his cell phone provider in an attempt to use his cell phone signal to locate him. Unfortunately, the Verizon operator was an Asshole Fuckface.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Guy might be dead. Right. That’s kind of a bummer, but I’ve got shit going on on my end, too. Like a bill. A huge bill.

Twenty dollars, yo. You think Verizon can take that kind of a hit? The economy is no bueno, amigo. Fortunately, when paramedics got there, the man was “unconscious and unresponsive.” Yay, Verizon! You guys should put that in an ad.

We will leave you dying in a field over $20. It’s a huge network!

That’s some kick ass PR right there.

Next up, some culinary Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you were planning on having dinner at Ming's BBQ on Buford Highway in Doraville, Georgia, feel free to cancel your reservations. Earlier this year, police discovered some awesome stuff in back of the restaurant. They took pics!

Mmmm. I love pigs stacked in buckets outside. It's yummy and that's exactly how they describe it on the menu.

Um. Shouldn’t you hide the cat skin after you killed it and cooked it for customers? Just tossing it out back seems kinda stupid. I always put my cat skins in the sewer.

Of course, health inspectors acted swiftly.

Thank you for not closing the cat killing, pigs in buckets out back, raw meat kickin’ it in the backyard restaurant.

Oh, and one time they served cat.

Finally, some governator Asshole Fuckfacery.

Asshole Fuckface Arnold will be leaving his post as California Governor soon. In his wake, he will leave a state destroyed by anti-tax Republican retardation. Now, I can’t believe a washed up action star couldn’t turn the state around. I mean, who would have thought a man who acts like a tough guy in movies, who came to fame by making big muscles, couldn’t handle the complexity of governing a massive state like California?

Arnold’s first step was to follow the Republican mantra. His first day in office he cut the Vehicle License Fee, which eliminated $6.5 billion per year from the state coffers. Over his time in office, that one move has led to a $35 billion dollar increase in state debt. He also convinced voters to pay off the budget deficit in his first year with a $15 billion dollar bond – thereby pushing the debt and allowing us to pay interest on it.

Now he wants to lay off 5,000 state employees during a recession. Genius. He also wants to cut $5.4 billion from schools, because our schools rank amongst the worst in the country. Why? Oh, tax cuts gutted our schools in the late '70s and our kids have suffered ever since. Arnold also wants borrow $7.5 billion for local governments. You know, the local governments suffering through a recession and years of cuts because of the GOP’s anti-tax no matter what policy. Oh, and the governator also wants to lease more sites for off shore oil drilling to bring in $100 million. Problem is, the state doesn’t have an oil severance tax. Can you see Republicans agreeing to tax the oil companies? If you can, you’re an idiot. They enjoy the slash and burn policies of stupidity.

Oh, but it’s not just programs he was trying to expand, he also wants to cut funding that keeps people alive. His cuts will also affect 35,000 Californians who count on state funding to get their HIV/AIDS medications.

Shit, I’m sorry, but Republicans refuse to raise any taxes. Bummer you have to die because of it, but it’s a moral thing. It would be immoral to take money that is not yours, sicko.

Arnold will be gone in 18 months, leaving complete destruction. That’s the Republican way. Insane, deluded, idiotic, childish policies that lead to a disaster.

And as goes California, so goes the nation.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Last week I covered the horror of America’s usury law problem and how it has caused a massive imbalance of where our money should be. It has shifted dramatically to the financial sector, where it is used to produce nothing. The worst of the worst of the financial sector are the payday lenders. They are scum of the earth and should be shut down immediately. They prey upon the weak and cause endless suffering. Other than that, they are great guys.

Payday lending works like this: Some poor sap has a job and a bank account and she can’t cover his bills for the month. She’s just a bit behind on the rent or her gas bill and she needs an advance on her paycheck. She’s got a new baby, after all, and she can’t afford to have the gas shut off or to be tossed out of her apartment. So, she goes to the payday lender.

Once there, she opens a line of credit. The lender agrees to give her an advance on her next paycheck and she in turn writes a check from her bank account for that amount, to the payday lender. It’s post dated and the lender agrees not to cash the check until lady’s payday. Oh, and there’s a massive fee, typically around $17 for every $100. For one payday loan, that’s not much. But it never ends there. Oh, and they don’t have to pay that fee until their next paycheck. That, of course, causes a problem on the day they get their next paycheck. It’s literally built as a trap.

The woman who needed an advance on her paycheck and paid a fee to get it, will now need another advance. Why? Well she was already behind and now she’s more behind because of the fee. She can’t afford to pay that fee, so now she needs another payday loan and she rolls it over. Welcome to the toilet, madam, you’re slowly being flushed.

These people become sharecroppers on their own life, giving the lender a never-ending share of their future earnings. Seventy-five percent of borrowers roll their loans over to the next week. The average borrower will pay $500 in fees for a $300 loan. Annual interest rates for payday loans average over 400 %. Consider the fees charged by one payday lender in DC as reported by The Washington Post:

Today America is chock full of payday lenders. It’s one of the fastest growing businesses in the USA. It’s a $40 billion industry. There are now over 22,000 payday lenders serving over 10 million Americans. Of course, those 10 million Americans are the working poor, the ones who can least afford a 806% interest loan. Many of them feel they have no choice but to take out a loan. That’s why all the payday lenders are in the worst part of town. They are predators, seeking out the weak. Last week the Huffington Post revealed that armies of "paid bloggers" had been deployed to promote payday loans:

Yeah....getting financially raped is very poetic.

Once in the cycle of doom, borrowers are screwed. Payday lenders worsen their impoverished lives and create more desperation. It’s a quick fix that leads to future horror, but the poor just want to get through that week, they aren’t thinking about two months from now, they just don’t want to lose their car today. After all, the Wal-mart where they work is way outside of town.

Thankfully, Congress is doing what they can to help the poor payday lenders.

Go Congress! Maybe we can bring back sharecropping again!

At this time, with our distribution of wealth completely out of whack, when our usury laws need to be changed to give the poor a chance and bring stability back to our country and resurrect our manufacturing base, the response of our lawmakers is to make it easier for payday lenders, by capping their interest rates at a meager 391%.

As I said last week, we are doomed.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. We do this shit here weekly. We have to. If we didn’t, the world’s Asshole Fuckfaces would be sauntering about without a care in the world. So, here we are, pointing out all the Rafa Benitez’s and Michele Bachmann’s of the world for you to mock and hate. This week has been so chalk full o’ Fuckfaces it was hard to pick four. But I did. And I now present them to you.

First up, some good old GOP Southern Asshole Fuckfacery.

Going into politics is sometimes hard because you are quickly forced to realize that most people don’t enjoy your racist or anti-Semitic language. Take Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren who, besides having the same first name as one of the girls on The Facts of Life, also was bitten by the stereotypical Southern idiot bug.

Totally. What he was trying to say is that even the evil Jew has moral standards. Or, no, wait; maybe he was just trying to remember his name.

RIght. Could either have been “Jew” or “Jewish.” Not really sure, but it was totally relevant to the discussion of traditional values and foreign policy.

I understand. Sometimes I call them “negroes,” but it’s not derogatory because I often agree with Charles Barkley.

Next up, some hall of fame Asshole Fuckfaces are worse than imagined.

Donny Rumsfeld is one of the all time great Asshole Fuckfaces. His epic Iraq War failure is one of the great military blunders of all time. Thankfully, his acts of horror continue to be revealed, so that we may continue to throw up in buckets. This week GQ published an article that is, simply astounding.

Let’s start with the cover sheets Rummy used for the intelligence updates he gave to Bush. Each cover sheet included a nice photo of American soldiers or Saddam Hussein and a wonderful biblical quote. That way, Bush would continue to think he was fighting a holy war.

I’m surprise they didn’t do some Crusade re-enactments on the back lawn. Sadly, that little tidbit of horror was not the worst information revealed in the article. Rummy also helped to kill Americans with his response to Katrina.

Good call. Also, Shepard Smith is crying like a baby on Fox because of all the horror he's looking at.

Um. Maybe you haven’t noticed Mr. President, but a lot of those people are black. You know what I’m saying, right?

Rumsfeld held off on sending troops for 7 days. Anything happen over those seven days? Can anyone recall anything?

Next up, some awesome Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Sometimes, as a parent, you face a super hard choice between your beliefs and letting your young son live. Just ask Colleen Hauser of Minnesota. She believes in the natural healing methods of an American Indian religious group called the Nemenhah Band. Unfortunately, her 13-year-old son came down with Hodgkins lymphoma –- a curable form of cancer. By “curable” I mean with chemo and radiation, not this:

I don’t know how you could go wrong by treating cancer with info from the Internet. Hell, you idiots here at SuicideGirls have probably cured many different types of cancer on the message boards. Unfortunately, the law stepped in and last week, a judge ruled that Hauser was neglecting her son. She took him to one chemo treatment, and then bailed.

On the run with a boy who has cancer! She’s like Dillinger, except instead of a gun, she has a young boy – with cancer. Police have several leads and she appears to be an idiot, so by the time this is posted, I expect her to be caught.

And finally, check out this criminal Asshole Fuckface.



Bragging and justifying war crimes is sort of sickening. But even worse, the fact that Obama appears to have no problem allowing this walking piece of shit to cross the country, bragging about his war crimes for all to hear, is beyond the pale. According to Obama and his spokesman Gibbs, we need to look towards the future, not the past, regardless of how blatant and disturbing the war crime. That’s an impressive stance to take, Mr. Constitutional lawyer and Asshole Fuckface. Why not just allow police to waterboard? How about we set up a waterboarding room in every FBI office? Let’s go.

At this point, Cheney is taunting and daring Obama and/or Congress to do something. Don't hold your breath.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

UK citizens, are you aware that from the 26th January this year, you may have become a de facto criminal?

I’m not referring to that bag of weed hidden in your sock drawer, nor the drunken theft of those road signs a few years back. No, what I am referring to is hidden on your computer, in a folder within a folder; it’s probably got some nondescript name such as ‘Tax Stuff’ or ‘Word Documents’. Ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to your pornography collection.

The last time your solo-surfing material got you into trouble it was probably with your mum or your girlfriend, and you may well have been 15-years-old. But now the government is poking its long nose in where, quite frankly, I’d rather they didn’t.

Sections 63-67 and 71 of the United Kingdom Criminal Justice and Immigration Act on the possession of extreme pornographic images now dictate that it is an offence to possess certain images.

There are several key areas where this legislation poses cause for concern.

For example, ‘life threatening’ and ‘serious injury’ are not defined anywhere in the act; it is left to the judge and jury to decide whether an image counts as such. So would a shallow bleeding cut inflicted with a knife count as ‘serious injury’? Consider that anything that breaks the skin would be enough for an Actual Bodily Harm charge, as opposed to the less serious Battery. What about somebody with their hands around someone’s neck in an asphyxiation scenario? Truth is, you don’t really know until you’re on trial, which is not going to help your defence.

Moreover, the images do not have to be ‘real’ to be eligible under the legislation. Fake wounds count, as well as fake weapons and staged scenarios, as long as they are ‘realistic’ and ‘explicit’. If you own any BDSM pornography in which all the participants have given their consent and in which careful control has been exercised during production to make sure no-one is hurt, well, that’s illegal too.

So, what are the penalties?

That’s pretty serious when you consider that it is likely everybody involved consented of his or her own free will. But wait, there’s more.

Your image that did no lasting damage to anyone has just landed you on a list of pedophiles and rapists, which can seriously damage your future prospects.

The UK legal establishment has long been overly harsh on consenting practitioners of BDSM, as the infamous R v Brown case continues to show. It remains to be seen how much money and time individual police forces are willing to spend perusing prosecutions in these cases, especially when you consider that the majority of ‘offenders’ are unlikely to pose a risk to society.

So why bother? The law was a reaction to the case of Jane Longhurst, a teacher who was murdered by a porn-obsessed psychopath. Jane’s mother, Liz, has publicly lobbied Parliament to ban the images that she believes contributed to her daughter’s death. However, this thinking seems flawed, as put by Clair Lewis of the Consenting Adult Action Network:

Source.

CAAN predicts the laws will lead to “harmless criminals and victimless crimes.” The UK is sleepwalking into a 1984 culture, with our sleazy politicians introducing reactive legislations through the back door for popularist appeasement, and it is people like you and me who will suffer for it.

For information and advice about this issue please visit Backlash-uk.org.uk
Click HERE for a Government circular on the legislation.

The manner in which we have destroyed our economy is astounding. We are so far from understanding and correcting our massive fuck ups that even this current obliteration of our ways has not brought up the discussion that needs to be had: Our usury laws are insane. Our usury laws drove us into debt, sped up the loss of our manufacturing base and have directly led to the murder of the middle class. And it’s only going to get worse. The looming credit card crisis will be the next shoe to drop and with deflation a serious threat, shockingly heinous and fluctuating interest rates will make it impossible for many to get by. Even ancient Babylon had laws against the shit we allow lenders to get away with.

Quite a few successful ancient empires considered usury to be worse than murder and it was punished accordingly. We, because we are an incredibly wise country, decided to toss out centuries of law and tradition. First in the early 1900’s, we began to gut our usury laws and then under Jimmy Carter they were fully disemboweled. It’s not like we didn’t have a time period to look back on and see what would happen.

Slavery. Totally different from working endless hours at a job just to pay back a bank. Well, I say pay back a bank, but the amount borrowed has already been paid off tenfold. In reality, the average Joe in debt is paying off interest and more interest and more interest. It’s debt slavery and America is kicking ass.

What Hammurabi and Ezekiel knew, Americans certainly do not. It’s pretty simple. If you create a debt society by allowing insane interest rates, capital is removed from manufacturing and small business. It all gets pumped into the banks and everything is then out of balance. And it’s not just the money, the top minds head into the financial world, spurning the areas where society needs them, like manufacturing. Eventually it all collapses on itself. Welcome to America.

America has become a bunch of clowns scraping by to pay off the financial sector. We are waiters, Wal-mart workers, gas station attendants and Starbucks coffee makers, but overall, the “Financial services sector” employs most Americans directly or indirectly. We have a society built on loans. We are eating ourselves. First we started with our hands, then our arms, our legs and now we are getting into the organs. I just ate my kidneys. Not bad, I suggest grilling.

Now that we have gotten rid of laborers and turned unions into our society’s villains, we are obviously much better off. In 2002 and 2003, the financial sector took in more than "40% of the profits that accrued to US corporations." That’s good right? In 1988 it was half that – because interest rates were relatively normal. Then came the 90's, when every business got into the business of loans. GM wasn’t a car company, it was a financial business that sold cars as a side project. As the financial sector swelled like a fat, sucking tic, our trade deficit exploded. That’s what happens when you stop making shit because profits are better loaning money to the people who used to have jobs making shit. Sadly, Americans did it to themselves by going into debt, little by little, until it was overwhelming. I just devoured my intestines. Not bad with a little balsamic.

The '70s are when we decided to toss our usury laws aside and rape each other at will. The big case that turned everything upside down was Marquette National Bank v. First of Omaha Service Corp. in 1978. Before that horrible Supreme Court decision, states could set their own interest rate caps. The court ruled that banks could set their rates based on the state “where the bank is located.” No mas. Good bye interest rates under 10%. It was the wild west as far as credit card companies were concerned and we were all victims about to be fed to the pigs in Deadwood.

The awesome thing about high interest rates is it allowed banks to take more risks on lenders. Since they were now charging huge interest rates, they could afford to loan to every hobo in the land. The insane amount of profits would make up for the defaults by the sad sacks would couldn’t make their payments. We’ve actually reached a point now where customers who pay off their cards every month are having their cards cancelled. Good is bad, bad is good and America is a giant pile of shit. I just ate my liver. Boiled it. Don’t recommend that.

The bestest thing of all is how the banks weren’t satisfied with insane interest rates that would have led to their execution back in the day. No, they also had to go with huge overdraft fees, ATM fees, transfer fees, and on and on. And we let them. We did so because we were using credit to get by and in our new mindset of stupidity, getting reamed is how it was done. Fortunately, the banks didn’t keep any of this money in reserve, they kept it flowing and “working,” so when the crisis hit, they had to ask the people they had been bending over a log and raping for a bailout. Thankfully, it’s all legal. I just gobbled up my lungs. Used a straw.

The only way out of this mess is to look at our usury laws again. Interest rates need to be capped at 9%. There is no other way out of this mess. Meanwhile, your president and his Wall Street douchebags/economic gurus, Tim Geithner and Larry Summers, ARE THE PROBLEM. They were and are part of the machine. They will never take such obvious and drastic action because they came up during the heinous period of whatever goes. They know no other way.

So, it’s time to take out the heart and fry it up in a pan with some butter. We’re fucked.

Next week, I’ll cover payday loans, which is actually 100 times worse than credit cards.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Occasionally, as Asshole Fuckface will be ignored during a Roundup. This can occur for several reasons. Often, there are worse Asshole Fuckfaces committing far worse acts. Sometimes it is just words instead of action. A heinous act will always get the nod over a statement, particularly if the statement is out of character. And sometimes, the Asshole Fuckface is such a complete tool that I could put her in the Roundup every single week. Seriously, welcome to a Michele Bachmann special edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Rip out your brain and put on your idiot hat, it’s the only way you’ll understand this nonsense.

THE MICHELE BACHMANN ASSHOLE FUCKFACE SPECIAL

Michele has been on a tear the past couple of weeks. She is a miraculous moron in an ordinary year and to say she has stepped up her game is an understatement. She began her trip into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame on March 27th, when she called for a revolution – forgetting that our president was elected by an overwhelming majority of the population.

This is exactly what Thomas Jefferson was talking about. Exactly. He was all about energy taxes and hatin’ on ‘lectric trains and shit.

Next came April 15th, when she conveniently re-wrote recorded history. And I’m not talking about old history, I’m talking a couple of years ago.

In 2006 six Imams were taken off a flight in Minneapolis and detained because some idiot passengers thought they were “suspicious.” “Suspicious” means praying and speaking Arabic. Of course, it was bullshit. They were returning from the Minneapolis conference of the North American Imams Federation and were simply engaging in their evening prayers. Last month, Bachmann explained what happened, but she used non-facts.

No, actually, not at all. They were not doing anything remotely close to what you describe and they had nothing to do with Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim. Turns out, not all Muslims know each other, unlike Republican Asshole Fuckfaces. Michele just blatantly lied to a large audience, even though the actual facts are well known. But we should not be surprised.

Next up, on April 22nd, Michele took a dip into Lake Stupid and came out really wet.



Holy fucking shit. Where to begin?

Um. It kills you if there’s too much of it. Literally. Kills you. Some people consider dying to be harmful.

Except when it kills you.

It’s not three percent. It’s .04%. If it was 3%, we’d be sleeping a long, long sleep. Oh, and just because something occurs naturally in nature doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Try drinking some Mercury and you’ll totally get what I mean. Seriously. Try drinking Mercury.

Next up, our favorite Asshole Fuckface pointed out the shocking coincidences of swine flu pandemics.



First up, the swing flu in the '70’s happened under the presidency of a guy named Gerald Ford. Ford was sort of a Republican. The vaccinations began under Ford and continued under Carter. So, you are an idiot for getting your facts wrong. Totally not surprised, but let’s pretend you weren’t.

If you find it “interesting” that the outbreak of flus occur under Democratic presidents, then you must believe that is happening for a reason. Why else would you bring it up? So, you are basically saying the Democrats are up to something. Apparently, Democrats have quite a bit to gain by setting the flu loose on the American public. So, Democrats want people to die and they have decided to use an uncontrollable weapon that could kill them and their families. I don’t know how anyone could find a flaw in that argument.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface idiot express, Michele said some shit about the past that wasn’t true. Can you believe it? Sit back and enjoy the Great Depression according to Michele Bachmann.



Yeah, not so much. I’d like to start out by saying it’s not the Hoot-Smalley bill, it was the Smoot-Hawley bill. We know this because it was written by Senator Reed Smoot of Utah and Representative Willis Hawley of Oregon, both Republicans. Besides that little mistake, I’m loving the idea that we should have kept going with the Coolidge awesomeness. Clearly it was really working well until fucking FDR stepped in.

Her stupidity can BEND TIME. That’s fucking awesome.

Finally, Michele took to the floor of Congress on May 2nd to talk about National Prayer Day, during which she babbled about a prayer Washington wrote…

Of course, it wasn’t actually a prayer written by Washington. It was from a letter he wrote when he resigned from the Army – which is totally different than an inauguration and totally different from a prayer.

Then Michele went on to show us why she is a leading scholar of American history.

Totally. Except there were these two years between the Constitutional Convention and the drafting of the Bill of Rights by the first Congress. But, almost the same day. Really, you were just off by seven hundred and twenty nine days.

Keep on keeping on, Michele. You are a national treasure.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Obama’s going to pick a Supreme Court nominee this year. This will be the first time we are going to have a justice picked by a non-asshole since the 90’s. Besides just a non-asshole, it’s the first time a president will pick a justice based on their credentials, instead of their insane right wing leanings and destructive business loving opinions. In all seriousness, if Justices Roberts and Alito could actually go down on corporations, they would. So this is a big deal. That’s why I think Obama should pick a gay woman. That doesn’t make sense after everything I just said, does it? Like I give a shit.

Let’s go gay. Let’s show the right wing what it feels like to watch an Alito take a seat on the bench. At least we can watch the right wing freak the fuck out and Senators filibuster for no other reason than because there might be a gay person on the bench. It’s a win-win. Do we have a gay woman who is qualified? Of course. Her name is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan graduated from Cornell in 1976, did a little Oxford Scholar action for a couple of years, then graduated from Harvard Law School in 1981 (cough, cough, Obama, Harvard, cough). Harvard law professor Larry Tribe brought Sullivan on to work with him on a Supreme Court case and was quite impressed.

Sullivan went on to clerk for Judge James Oakes on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. She worked for a couple of years in Boston for a law firm and was then recruited by Harvard as a professor – where she taught, ahem, Constitutional Law. At the same time, she was working it as a lawyer.

Sullivan moved to Stanford Law School in 1993, where she became dean in 1999. In 2004, she stepped down as dean to become the director of the new Stanford constitutional law center. Oh, and she is the Stanley Morrison Professor at Stanford Law School. She is super qualified for the position. Oh, and she represented Mitch McConnell at one point. You know, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, also known as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. I’d love to watch Republicans mount a campaign against a supremely qualified lawyer who once represented their Minority Leader. It’s like a gift from God.

For Republicans it would come down to one thing: Her sexuality. And the time for this battle has come. Let’s watch our insane religious lunatic lawmakers try to take on an openly gay litigator who is far better than any of them.

Kathleen Sullivan for SOTUS. Fucking bring it on.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Many people think Asshole Fuckfaces are a dime a dozen. You could not be more wrong. Since ancient times, my family has been searching out Asshole Fuckfaces and dragging them into the light for all to see. There is a specific criteria for selecting Asshole Fuckfaces and while I can’t reveal exactly what it is, I can tell you it involves tears, cucumbers, fishnet stockings, tuna fish, sand paper and knit caps. Trust me, it works. Now, put on your best tear proof poncho because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Pakistani Asshole Fuckfaci.

Ayman Udas has been growing in popularity as a singer. It wasn’t easy because she came from the North West area of Pakistan, which is sometimes known as “Holy Shit, What The Fuck Is Wrong With Those People-istan?” Being divorced mother of two, Udas personal life also seemed to be going well as she remarried two weeks ago.

Last week she performed on PTV, a state run channel on which she was frequent guest. She sang her song, “I died but still live among the living, because I live on in the dreams of my lover.” Trim that title down a bit and she might have a hit. Or, you could get a hit because your brother killed you for being on television.

Isn’t that what brothers are for? To kill you when you sing on TV? I’m sure they feel super good about themselves right now.

You know, there is also this thing called, “Cutting off.”

Next up, let’s move to Europe for some Asshole Fuckfacope.

Some medical professionals in Poland don’t really get it. Sure, they wanted to do the right thing, they wanted to make sure people don’t get sick, but they are Asshole Fuckfaces, so their morals are a bit off. Three doctors and six nurses were looking for a vaccine for the bird flu -- and they found one. Sort of.

Hey, that’s not at all like a shitty B movie plot.

That didn’t work very well, but, whatever, it's not like they are real people.

You, sir, are a fucking genius. I don’t know if there could be a greater example of a total lack of ethics in medicine.

Never mind. I found one.

Next up, more Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our “Representation” is fucking ridiculous. Even in times of extreme financial hardship, our lawmakers cannot find it within themselves to do the right thing for the everyday man. This week, the Asshole Fuckfaces voted against a proposal to change bankruptcy laws to allow judges to “cram down” mortgage payments for homeowners who are screwed.

Basically, "cram downs" allow the judge to lower mortgage payments for homeowners who owe more on their home than it is worth. The homeowner has to have also exhausted all other available options. These loan modifications are extremely effective at reducing foreclosures.

Senator Dick Durbin authored the "cram down" proposal and, of course, the Senate voted against it. What’s awesome is taxpayers gave trillions to banks, who then used that money to lobby against cram downs. And it worked. Welcome to double anal.

Durbin explained the situation in plain terms.

Not going to happen, Dick. Meanwhile, the mortgage bankers celebrated. Maybe that’s because they are super rich. See, judges are allowed to do cram downs on their vacation homes, investment properties and even luxury yachts, while the middle class and poor can’t have the same deal for their only home.

We are completely and totally fucked as a nation with these people running the show. You really shouldn’t see this any other way.

Finally, some FEMA Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who doesn’t love a 9-11 coloring book? I think they are great for kids. I’m going to put one on the shelf right next to my son’s Holocaust pop-out book, his Rape of Nanking connect-the-dots book and his New York Slave Auction audio-read-along book.

Sadly, FEMA has decided to pull its 9-11 coloring book, mostly because it’s a 9-11 coloring book.

Be sure to use the orange crayon for the fire, the gray for the smoke and blue for the people jumping out of the towers to their deaths.

Fuck yeah. It’s called “coping” you little babies. Now, color in the horrible thing that makes daddy queasy.

Apparently, parents didn’t care for it.

Good call. Maybe rabbits and dogs are good for coloring, not fiery death. FEMA also included some helpful words for the kids.

Word. Also, don’t look at our coloring book because it will give you nightmares and stomach aches.

FEMA has removed the book.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

I do enjoy watching the Democratic leadership stumble and bumble their way to ineffectiveness. It's just so absurd and stupid, all one can do is chuckle. The latest ridiculousness came last week, when they opened their arms wide for former Republican Senator Arlen Specter. He’s now a Democrat! Who will vote like a Republican! How awesome is that?

Bullshit. He wanted to stay a Senator and that’s it. This is anything but a good sign. All it proves is how far the Republicans have gone to the right – to the point where they are nearly insane. They are now driving out actual conservatives and the Democrats are accepting them into their ranks – further pushing their party to the right. Awesome. He constantly voted with Bush on issues like Iraq, the Patriot Act, Bush’s insane judicial nominees, Bush’s insane department appointees, telecom immunity, warrantless wiretapping, tax cuts and has strongly been opposed to any investigation of the many Bush crimes. See, what the leadership knows that you don't is that the Democrats need another Dianne Feinstein, Joe Lieberman or Ben Nelson. Add another problematic jackass to the pile, because these are the "moderates" who force the Democratic Party to act like Republicans in order to get things passed.

Apparently, Democrats think the best way to build their majority, is to bring in people who agree with them on around 10% of stuff. And they want that guy to be from the blue state of Pennsylvania, the guy who was driven from his crazy party for being too liberal, even though he is very, very conservative. He’s just not crazy conservative. But the Democrats love it! Thanks for the trash! They'll take it!

Democrats have apparently given Specter undeserved seniority, upsetting some long time Democratic Senators.

Nice. And the leadership also thought it would be a great idea to promise him party support in the Democratic Primary. You know, the thing in which Democrats get to choose the best Democrat. During his “I’m bailing” press conference, Specter explained how the Democratic leadership promised to support him and raise money for him during the 2010 election. So, they have decided to choose a Republican instead of a Democrat because the Republicans were going to choose a crazier Republican. So, the Republicans will get the politician that most represents them (crazy) and the Democrats will get the politician that least represents them. Welcome to completely failed leadership and the usurping of Democracy.

In an exciting example of the future Democratic Senator Arlen Specter, he explained that he would not support Obama’s choice to head the Office of Legal Counsel. He also reiterated that he would not support the Employee Free Choice Act, which is sort of cause #1 for unions – you know, labor, also known as the backbone of the Democratic Party. So, that’s good. They picked up a new guy who is against the backbone of the party. His first vote as a Democrat was awesome. He voted against Obama’s budget. Good work, Democrats, all around.

This weekend he made it very clear where he stands.

Point made. You’re not a loyal Democrat. You’re a “Kinda Democrat.” A kinda, sorta, whatever it takes to stay in the Senate for another term Democrat. Which is great, because that is exactly what the Democrats need.

They should have let Specter swing in the wind. He was clearly going to lose the Republican Primary. It doesn’t matter if he is a Democrat or a Republican until Franken is seated, anyway. He’s not going to vote with Democrats on a shitload of issues, so supporting him in the Pennsylvania primary is completely idiotic. No promises of that nature should have ever been made – especially since it undemocratic. But, what do the Democrats care about what their base wants and democracy? They don’t. It’s about the party and at this point the party seems to be run by idiots.

Enjoy the failure. It’s Joe Lieberman II, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

As Faux News personality Sean Hannity makes light of torture with his headline-grabbing offer to undergo waterboarding for charity, and MSNBC's Keith Olberman gets in on the one-lowmanship with offers of sponsorship, the blogosphere is all atwitter with tales of the "newsmen's" bravado. The attention is unsurprising; who wouldn't pay to see Hannity tortured? I know cheap thrills are scarce these days, and I don't want to rain on the parade. I just hope you know that you're being had.

The Sean Hannity "waterboard me" media circus is no more than a clever ploy. This Fox chickenhawk (along with others in the media) is focusing attention on waterboarding, when there are much more sinister happenings afoot. While we're busy obsessing over Hannity's blustering and bugs in boxes, there's one thing that gets glossed over in the torture debate over and over again -- we didn't just torture people, we killed them!

As we debate the merits of trying Bush, Cheney, and their band of fellow sadists for war crimes, let's not forget the charge of murder one. Apparently, many in the mainstream press and blogosphere already have.

The focus right now is on the recently released legal memos justifying the horrifying and numbing repetition of torture against "high profile" targets. We have a short memory in America and most of what was in these memos -- except for the diabolical excess of the waterboarding and the medieval torture by insects -- was, as President Obama has said, pretty much already known.

Also known, but not discussed at this time, is that less important Al-Qaeda figures were murdered as a result of the Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld torture jihad (their techniques euphemistically called "enhanced interrogation" by the mainstream corporate press).

Uh, remember those photos of bludgeoned prisoners in body bags that came out of Abu Ghraib? (And we still have only seen a small portion of the visual evidence.) Those people were murdered as a result of the greenlight on torture. Even the Pentagon has declared some of the Guantanamo dead were victims of homicide.

A 2006 Human Rights First report estimated that nearly 100 people had died in U.S. custody as part of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq since August 2002:

Furthermore, in 2008, Lawrence Wilkerson, former Chief of Staff to Colin Powell and a man who came over from the dark side to tell the truth, testified before Congress that a minimum of 25 people died in U.S. detention as a result of homicides -- and that the figure was probably higher.

Then there are many "renditioned" individuals who disappeared into torture prisons around the world and have never reappeared. ProPublica investigated human rights groups' and CIA documents and determined that at least 32 terrorism suspects that were in CIA custody have gone missing. The CIA declined to comment on the list, aside from saying it was probably "flawed." There's no way to confirm whether these people are even still living, much less what techniques they've been subjected to. However, the whole situation has the stench of Latin American dictators "disappearing" people attached to it.

With Americans' heads swimming in these many sets of numbers, the individual stories within this sad chapter of our country's history are easily forgotten. This is why the indispensable documentary Taxi to the Dark Side should be required viewing material for every American. The central victim in this story was not waterboarded. Nor was he thought to be guilty of anything beyond driving by Afghanistan's Bagram Air Base at the wrong time. Still, his legs were beaten to the point that they would've had to have been amputated, had he not died from the beating.

But whether or not the government ultimately concludes that these and other deaths were murders, the fact remains that people died in American custody. The responsibility is ours. Even suicides cannot be ruled out. The military has a history of using suicide as a cover for homicide, and there's no way to say whether or not torture has driven a person to suicide.

There are undoubtedly more terrible torture stories that will be unearthed in the coming months and years, and they will cause Americans to both cringe and deny. Meanwhile, the Bush defenders are countering with an allegation that the torture of two or three suspects produced important information (which thus far has not been proven by any facts). But the focus on two or three Al Qaeda leaders has taken attention away from an organized system of torture that resulted in untold deaths, also known as murder.

For these murders, George W. Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld -- who have always had a mean streak of sadism running through their blood, as they micro-managed torture and personally reviewed torture tapes -- should be charged and tried for war crimes -- and murder one.

If we do not bring justice to their deaths, who will?

The evidence of criminal abuse, including rape and murder, that was authorized as a general torture and abuse policy directly from the White House on down is abundant. It only need be assembled as legally admissible proof of guilt in an American court of law or International War Crime Tribunal.

As just one of literally hundreds -- perhaps thousands of examples -- a Salon article in 2004 noted a report by the indefatigable "last of his kind" investigative journalist, Seymour Hersh:

We don’t know how much evidence has been destroyed -- the CIA "disappeared" the torture tapes -- but clearly the shredders and "burn bags" were kept busy in the last days of the Bush Administration. Still, the Obama WH is ordering more devastating detainee abuse photos released in the near future.

But all of these are just small pieces in the very large puzzle of a massive White House orchestrated sanctioning of War Crimes, including rape and murder.

It is not unexpected that the corporate mainstream media would attempt to minimize the criminal behavior of the Bush Administration, because D.C. insiders -- the villagers -- and the corporate oligarchy protects its own. But I am a bit mystified why the progressive blogs and most liberal and civil liberties websites are more caught up with fingering the authors of the memos rather than the masterminds of the war crimes policies: Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice (not to mention Wolfowitz, Feith, etc.).

As has been pointed out by others, after WW II some Japanese tried for war crimes were hanged for waterboarding allied prisoners. The torture unto death, rape, sexual violations, and abuse that violated the Geneva Conventions was rampant in the Bush gulag.

The most pressing issue of justice is not who wrote the memos that enabled torture (murder and rape) -- although the attorneys should be held accountable -- but who should be tried for initiating and promoting war crimes.

Murder is not something to split hairs about on Sunday morning talk shows. It belongs in a courtroom so that justice can be rendered, the perpetrators jailed, and the Constitution preserved.


Mark Karlin is editor and publisher of BuzzFlash.com, which this May will be celebrating its ninth year of progressive news and commentary on the Internet through an expanded network of websites.

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please help me warn the good people about the horrible people. I feel the masses must know what the awful people are doing and why they are doing it. Jesus, I will call these people “Asshole Fuckfaces” because they are Asshole Fuckfaces. I could not do it without your help, J-bro. So, let’s get this fucker rolling.

Amen.

First up, some delightful politician racism.

Pat Buchanan is my favorite blatant racist who gets to have a job as a legitimate political commentator. He’s one of the few fun guys on the other side of the political spectrum, so he makes a great guest on cable news shows. And we apparently have all decided to turn our backs on his ugly streak of racist nonsense.

This week, Mount Racist Fuckface erupted again, on the pages of the website Human Events. In the middle of one of his usual rants against Obama, he tossed in this little gem.

“Scrub stock.” That’s some old school racism there.

That’s impressive. Pat Buchanan thought he would use a racist term so obscure that no one would get it. Too bad there is this thing called the Internet. Delightfully, it gets worse. “Scrub stock” isn’t just some random phrase Pat picked up. He speaks in code language to angry whites the way Bush spoke in code language to religious extremists and “scrub stock” is a label they know. It was commonly used in the early 20th century to argue that whites are better than blacks. And Pat knows his history, especially racial history.

So, Pat Buchanan just called the president of Trinidad “inferior” because he is of mixed race. You know, like our president. Point made, Pat.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface apples fall far from the tree.

Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. was one of our greatest Americans. He was an amazing man and his message and words inspire to this day. Sadly, some of his words are coming true, like these:

Trust me, Martin, your kids are being judged on their character. Only problem is, they are being judged as Asshole Fuckfaces. Most people don’t know the King children like to rake in the dough anytime anyone uses their father’s words.

Now that is sexy. How proud would their father be? We don’t really know, but we can only imagine he’d be very proud. Not many people know that he wanted to charge an admission fee to his “I Have a Dream” speech.

This week, it was revealed just how Asshole Fuckfacish his kids are when they made a nonprofit foundation pay them so King Jr’s words could be used on the King memorial on Washington's Mall. Seriously. These assholes made the Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Project Foundation pay them $800,000 for the use of his image and words ON HIS OWN FUCKING MEMORIAL.

But that was before he gave his famous, "I'm Getting Mine" speech.

Next up, religious Asshole Fuckface morons.

Bill Nye the Science Guy made a trip to Texas last week. He spoke at McLennan Community College in Waco, Texas. Now, most people would probably understand, when going to see a man named “The Science Guy”, that science would be discussed. Sadly, this was Texas, so my theory did not hold up.

Sounds good. Off to a nice start.

Okay, well, maybe. Whatever. Now you are talking about Martians or some shit. Or as I like to call it, “Fake stuff" -- stuff that is not in The Bible.

You son of a bitch! You crossed a line, “Science Guy.”

Yes, you believe in God,but you are apparently so stupid that you get upset when hearing about science during a lecture you attended starring a guy named “The Science Guy.” Also, your belief in God is so strong, you can't listen to someone say something you don't think is right about God. That's some strong faith you've got there. Stick to your “God Guy” and the one book. Do not venture from its thick hard cover.

Finally, some white guy math Asshole Fuckfacery.

Byron York is a conservative writer who currently works for the Washington Examiner, a paper so important I just discovered its existence. Previously, he wrote for National Review magazine, which means he learned how to write complete bullshit and stick to it. This week, Byron explained Obama’s popularity numbers in a ‘holy shit am I white’ kind of way.

Fucking black people. They are totally throwing off the real numbers. Here’s the deal, if we went back to the thingy where they only counted for 3/5’s of a vote, he WOULDN’T be that popular.

Nice breakdown. I mean, come on! Why can’t people see this? America doesn’t like him, black people do.

Life will be much easier for Byron when he accepts the fact that black people are Americans and they are here to stay. Same with Hispanics and Asians. I know it’s weird to wrap your head around but they actually count as much as white people.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Mexico is sending a present. It’s kind of a shitty present because it can kill you. Totally not cool, Mexico. It’s almost like you don’t care about all the money we spend on your drugs or the way we let your people pick our vegetables for almost nothing, then scorn them for trying to live. Whatever. Mexico has decided to send the swine flu our way and I am totally not interested.

Mexico has been hit hard by the swine flu and it’s a bit disturbing. The virus is apparently a new one that we haven’t seen before, but it is also a descendant of the 1918 flu virus that killed 50 million peeps. All H1N1 viruses are descendants of the 1918 virus, but they pick up a little something special along the way to make themselves stand out a bit. This flu has the pig part, with a little bird and human virus genes thrown in, which makes it “very unusual.” Me no likey very unusual flu. And it’s a mover.

Super. Basically, the CDC and WHO are freaking out because they don’t know exactly what is going on. They know a flu is spreading, but they don’t know how deadly it is. At the time I wrote this article, 149 people were confirmed dead in Mexico and there were 40 confirmed cases in the US, a few in Canada, Scotland, New Zealand and some suspected cases elsewhere. It’s already all over the place and it’s just getting going.

The cases in the US and Canada are very mild, which has confused scientists even more. On one hand, it could have co-infected with other microbes in Mexico to create a super death flu or it could be the same virus that has mutated into a less lethal form. Or it could be the treatment methods in Mexico. And nobody knows how many Mexicans have come down with a mild case of the flu. Sounds awesome, right?

The Mexican president is saying the problem is under control, while the death toll increases. On Sunday, when the president made his claim, 86 people were dead. Now we're up to 149 and people on the ground are saying it is much worse.

Ruh roh.

Nada bueno, amigos. And it gets worse. The 1918 flu killed so many because young adults were the most likely to die. This flu appears to be the same deal. It causes the body’s own defenses to work against the body -- those that succumb drown from an extreme build-up of fluid in the lungs which is brought on by the body's immune response. So, the people least likely to die from this flu are those under 3 and over 60. Those most likely to kick it are between 20 and 40. This is one of the key signs of a pandemic flu. The 1918 flu killed 2.5% of those infected, while this Mexico version is killing 7% of reported cases. Hence the freak out.

The government is now saying it’s not if we have outbreaks, it's when.

The question is how bad will it get? Economically, given our current situation, a full-blown pandemic would be fucking devastating. Pandemic waves commonly last 12 weeks. Did you know some government agencies recommend you stockpile enough goodies to get by for 12 weeks? Are you ready? I can hold on for 6 days, then I’m going to need milk and some kind of cheese cracker situation. Grocery stores don’t keep more than a week’s worth of food, if that. Now imagine a run on grocery stores if a pandemic breaks out? How’s that look? What if the flu sweeps through your local power or water plant? How’s that going for you? What about your garbage men? Now that they’re all infected, trash is piling up and the rats are out. Also, enjoying all those imported cheap foods? They aren’t happening because the border is closed. How do you feel now that half of the doctors and nurses have quit? Not so good?

Our society is actually quite fragile. Aside from the deaths, fear is the next big bad during a pandemic. It leads to people doing all sorts of crazy things. The economy would nose dive because of all those employees staying home because they are sick, staying home because they are afraid of becoming sick and staying home because they are quarantined with a family member who is ill.

So, this one could be the big bad or it could be nothing. I suggest you keep an eye on it and maybe do a little prep.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

It is time for you to put on your best pair of golashes to spelunk through the Asshole Fuckfaces. For you, it’s just a good time and a way to make yourself feel better about your loathsome life by making fun of others. For me, it’s deadly serious. I practice the ancient religion of No Fuckish. We No Fuckacarians believe if the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are not exposed, Vlad the Impaler will rise from the dead and slaughter everyone. So, my fellow Fuckacarians and I must scour the Earth each week looking for Asshole Fuckfaces to drag into the light.

First up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

What kind of person are you if you use your power to make a criminal act legal while criminals help you to attain an even more powerful position, which is a criminal act that is being illegally taped via the criminal act you are trying to help make legal? You’re an Asshole Fuckface, of course. After all, that is what this article is about.

Jane Harmon, a Democrat from Torrance, California, is not only an Asshole Fuckface, but could also be jackass of the decade.

That’s some nice work. Just another American lawmaker doing what she can to help another country with their American espionage problem.

Actually, Jane, IT DOES! That’s the exciting part. The phone call was recorded by the NSA using a warrantless wiretap. Of course, the Department of Justice did not pursue a criminal investigation because Jane is one of the biggest proponents of warrantless wiretapping in Congress. Welcome to the story of the worst Congressperson alive.

It would actually be better if Harman was innocent and was completely screwed over because she was one of the biggest defenders of the warrantless wiretapping program. She went as far as to call for prosecution of The New York Times for revealing the program. You know, the program that taped her committing a crime. Or not. The one that just taped her without a warrant.

Holy shit, is there a worse person in Congress? Please investigate and prosecute this Asshole Fuckface immediately.

Next up, some GOP Asshole Fuckfacery.

Republicans are so fucking stupid it is amazing. They seem to have no understanding that people write stuff down, record with video and take pictures. For years now, they have been calling Democrats out with absolute bullshit to inflame the masses, even though it is often untrue, while ignoring the fact that Republicans are often guilty of the same non-incident they are trying to create. It’s pretty enjoyable to watch.

This week they went after Barack Obama because when he met with Hugo Chavez he acted like an adult instead of an angry three-year-old. Republicans were apparently very upset that Obama smiled and shook Hugo’s hand.

Um. So. First up, George Bush walked around holding the Saudi king’s hand, like a schoolgirl. Second, Obama is not “friends with Venezuela.” He spoke to the man. That’s it. I speak to many people I can’t stand. It’s called being an adult. Third, Chavez is a legitimate leader and most of Latin America hates us because of all the murdering of South Americans we have supported. You should pick up a history book about Argentina sometime, Newt. Finally, here’s a photo of Republicans smiling and hanging out with America’s enemies.



I believe the kids call that “pwned,” you Asshole Fuckface. Oh, and I’d like to add a video of Obama actually laying down the law to Chavez. Wow, check out the adult doing business. That’s how it works, Newt. Also, your name is Newt. We are at a point now where the Republican's sad floundering is floundering.

Next up, some Libertarian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how crazy it was last week when the Governor of Texas hinted that his state could secede from the United States of America? Wow, that was fun. Also, it’s kind of illegal to secede, but who’s keeping track of all that legal mumbo jumbo?

Then it seemed as if the Governor Rick Perry had learned his lesson. He backed down from his crazy talk and tried to play nice. That’s when crazy, batshit, Ron “I know nothing about history” Paul stepped into the controversy.



Holy shit, what a complete and total moron. I thought he would never top his deluded and ignorant ideas about America and poverty during the early 1900’s, but he has.

Um. Hey, do you remember that thing between the American Revolution and now? Here’s a hint: 1861-1865. 600,000+ Americans killed. No? Ron, you’re basically saying it’s very American for Americans to kill 600,000 other Americans. I’d like to congratulate you on your most warped distortion to date in order to make the world fit into your rigid and hilarious views. I wish you luck with your idea that a secession from the union held together by the Constitution is constitutional and “American.”

Finally, some extraordinary Iraqi Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last week, I also discussed how Iraq is getting their gay killing hat on. This week we learn the horrifying measures Iraqis are taking to kill gays. Prepare to vomit.

Oh, God, I don’t like where this is going.

Hi, worst thing ever, my name is FearTheReaper. One would think such a heinous act would not be something that would be taped and go viral. One would be wrong.

Because that’s something you want in your pocket. Iraq, you are totally handling freedom well.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Diary entry - 4/18/1312

Had a very good day today. Woke up early, as the rain had broken through the straw roof. Again. Me bed of leaves is in need of replacement. Being winter, however, there’s no leaves about, so I just may need to take some straw from the roof. Also will have to sweep out the reed floor, because of all the mud, crumbs and animal drippings. Michael is suffering from dysentery, as well, and has done a number on the floor more than once.

Ate porridge with some ripe cheese. Not too many maggots in the cheese this morning, which I took as a sign things is turning ‘round a bit. After breakfast, left my seven-year-old son Jean, to plow the field with Lord Marat’s ox I borrowed. I prayed nothing would happen to the beast, as I need the boy to live. He's strong for a seven-year-old! I took some wheat up to Lord Marat’s mill. He was generous in only taking one sixth of me wheat in exchange for using his mill. Milling didn’t take too long. After went out to work in the Lord’s field.

Saw a wild boar while working the carrots. Oh, I would have liked to have killed it and had a nice feast for the others, but not really worth being killed for, now is it? Especially right on the heels of watching Charles burned alive for killing those wild ducks. Lord Marat doesn’t take kindly to killing wild game on his land. Anyway, I’ve got bread and ale waiting for me tonight.

Heard John’s arm fell off yesterday. Shame that. He had a problem with the fungus in his rye flour over the winter, so it’s not a big surprise. I knew he had turned blotchy red. Apparently, he’s just babbling and staring at the sky now. Hopefully Lord Marat can find something for him to do that just requires one arm. It’s a shame it happened now, right after he paid Lord Marat a death duty and a fine for inheriting his father’s land. Losing his best pig and then having to give his second best pig to the church as an inheritance tax, and now an arm? Seems a bit too much for one man to bear.

The boy came by the field to tell me the priest had stopped by to collect the tithe. Five eggs, bag of flour, basket of firewood, 1/10th of me wheat and a chicken. Don’t get me started on them priests, livin’ the life up there, with all the food they want and going at it with all those young boys.

Just then, a crowd comes down the road, making noise and carrying signs. I saw Gaston and asked him what was going on. He says the King wanted to take an extra 3% in taxes from Lord Marat. Can you imagine? Three percent?!?! Course, I was enraged. We all were - even though he's going to use the money to give we peasants a bit more wheat. I grabbed me pitchfork and joined the mob, as we marched through the village. How dare the King Philip make Lord Marat pay more taxes! It’s an outrage! When’s it going to stop! Someone called it a “Porridge Party.” Not sure why, something about that time when they tossed all that porridge in the Reine because of the church taken too high a tithe. Whatever, porridge party is a good name as any, but it’s still just another indignation meeting. It was odd to have some of the knights involved in this one, especially after they raped me brother’s wife and daughters before killing him. Jacque actually said a couple of the knights started this march. We ended up burning down the local garrison. The king’s knights ran like women. It was a damned good time.

When I got home, learned me wife had gone into labor and died during birth, while I was at the porridge party. The baby died, as well. And to top it off, me youngest son, Lawrence, succumbed to the Black Death. What a fucking day! After the tithe and giving the wheat to use the mill, I haven’t anything left to hire gravediggers, so I spent the night with a hoe digging graves for me family. The whole time I was digging, I still couldn’t get that 3% out of me mind. Lord Marat has to pay a whole 3% to the King?!?!? Enough is enough! I expect more Porridge Parties!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Asshole Fuckface Roundup log.

Friday, April 17th, 2009. Have been searching for days. Losing sleep, energy and sexual stamina. Located several candidates. List narrowed. Asshole Fuckfaces selected. Feel dirty. Begged for death to take me. Bore down. Got through it. Will now present AFR. Feels like giving birth.

First up, some amazing Texas style Asshole Fuckfacery.

Texas, I have a quick question: What in the fuck is wrong with you? Do you ever elect governors who are not complete and total idiots? This week, Texas governor Rick Perry decided his state should back out of this whole US of A experiment.

Weird you didn’t do that when Bush was using The Constitution as toilet paper. These people are so transparent and moronic it is amazing. He literally said Texas is “under the threat of tyrants.” Actually, I think it's under the threat of asshats. I believe we should show Rick what it is like to live under a tyrant. Let’s throw Rick in prison, kill his family and burn down his house. Hell, let’s use mustard gas and kill his entire hometown. Also, we should build a 100 foot gold statue of Lord Barack Obama in his anus. Or, we could lower taxes for people making under $250,000 a year, because that's what "tyrant Obama" is doing.

Yesterday, he took it even further and hinted at secession.

While he made that statement, the crowd chanted, "Secede, secede, secede." Yeah, so, that’s illegal. But, I would have no problem with Texas going its own way.

Grow up, morons. You look really, really fucking stupid using this kind of language and making these kind of bills. On the other hand, congrats on being so wrapped up in your own party and ideology that you don’t see the vast majority of Americans will think you are bat shit crazy. Consider your national career hopes over.

Next up, can Asshole Fuckfaces become worse? Yes, they can.

You may recall two weeks ago, in Asshole Fuckface Roundup #91, when I wrote of the Afghanistan government’s new law that legalized the rape of women and girls. This week, those horrible humans took it up a notch. One hundred brave women gathered in Kabul to protest the new rape law this week. Naturally, that didn’t go over well with the pro-rape group. (Pro-rape groups tend to be sort of rigid.)

So, that’s working out well. Obviously, Afghanistan has a super bright future. That’s all I can take away from this incident in which women against being raped were stoned and threatened with death by the pro-rape folks.

Next up, some Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s really great when a Democrat and a Republican come together to propose something horrible. This week it was revealed perennial Asshole Fuckface Democratic Senator Jay Rockefeller and Republican Olympia Snowe have authored the Cybersecurity Act of 2009. It’s a really great bill that will allow the federal government to shut down the Internet during times of “declared emergency.” Taking away people’s best source of information and a main communication tool is always the best way to not cause a panic during an emergency.

Sounds great. I feel safer already. Also, could you turn off my phones, shut down my television and stop my radio from babbling?

Hmmm. I guess I was overreacting. Up until you said, “traffic lights” I thought you were out of your mind. I was actually hoping you guys had some sort of security system set up for the water and electricity stuff, but I guess the idea is to just flip a switch and freak America out, causing riots and madness in the streets. Good call.

Finally, some trees are Asshole Fuckfaces. You read that right.

Not many men have the balls to take on trees for their Asshole Fuckface behavior. I’m probably going to get into trouble with the Tree Guild, but I don’t give a shit. This is a story people need to know about.

Artyom Sidorkin, a 28-year-old Russian, went to the hospital this week because he was having horrible chest pain and spitting up blood. (Why do I think that’s how long most Russians wait to go to the hospital?) Doctors gave Artyom an x-ray and found a tumor in his lungs. Bummer. They quickly scheduled a biopsy. That’s when it turned into an episode of the X-Files.

This is the last fucking thing we need. With all the shit going on in the world, we don’t need trees to start growing inside of us -- especially in our lungs.

We are all going to die. Or end up as Ents.

Fuck.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

I have to admit, the greatest thing since Obama took over the presidency is watching Glenn Beck’s quick descent into insanity. It really is epic theater and could easily have been a movie, or a television show. He is completely out of touch with reality – and it’s fucking awesome. It’s as if the crazy conspiracy guy at the coffee shop got his own show. It may actually end with him pulling a Smith & Wesson out and blowing his brains out on live television. And I am not in any way kidding. That’s how crazy and awesome Glenn Beck has become.

Becks’ ratings have been skyrocketing, much like Mister Rodgers would have if he had begun smearing his trains with feces and ranting about how Mr. Greenjeans was going to put us in camps. A couple of weeks ago, the kids at Morning Joe on MSNBC decided to take a closer look at Glenn and they found a man on the edge of sanity, weeping openly on television.



Jesus, why don’t you lube up America, enter it anally and make sweet ass love to it? Just to be clear, that is not a man doing a show, or a character, that is a guy on the edge of a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, I have no sympathy for this impaired lunatic because he is a right wing fucknut. The crazy thing about the right wing is they already have no grip on reality, whether it be science, economics or foreign affairs, they have nothing to base their horseshit on. But The Beck has brought it to a whole new level.



What could possibly be seen as odd about that picture? It's just a guy sitting next to a close up of his eyes. How incredibly not odd.

The man has taken fear and consumed it. Fear is Glenn Beck’s bitch. And the man we are to fear, this Obama character, is so shockingly less destructive to our civil rights than his predecessor it is astounding. George Bush woke up every morning and tried to figure out a way to make us less safe, while he shit on the flag. Obama has pulled back on so many (certainly not all) of the crazy, rights destroying policies of Bush it is insane. But we are supposed to believe Obama, the guy who did not invade a country for no reason, is the next coming of Hitler. Holy fucking shit.

Glenn is quite concerned about our guns. He believes Obama is going to take our guns away. Now, I’d like to point out that if you believe Obama is going to take your guns away, you should have your guns taken away, because you have the intellectual capacity of a rodent. You are shockingly stupid and beyond pathetic. There is zero evidence this will occur in the future and Obama has emphatically stated he has no intention of doing so. So, stop it, you morons.

Glenn is also horrified by the prospect of socialized medicine. It would obviously ruin our country. It would be like opening up a bunch of USSR sponsored Chuck E. Cheeses. Please pay no attention to the fact that Obama has never proposed socialized medicine, never campaigned for socialized medicine and has even said a single-payer health system will not work. Yes, there are no plans for socialized medicine, only universal healthcare, which is pretty much the opposite of socialized medicine. It means the private sector is, you know, providing health insurance and care and stuff. Nonetheless, because Obama wants to provide fake socialized medicine, he is a Nazi. Because if there is one thing the Nazis were about, it was a national single-payer healthcare system. That’s actually what Nazi stands for: National All Single (cough, cough, what?)



That is fucking insane. He is the lunatic who should be wandering the streets and screaming at trees. He’s pretty much got the same take on every subject. Last week Glenn commented on a New York Times article that stated Obama was going to take on immigration reform. Obviously, everyone, right and left, agrees we need some sort of change when it comes to immigration. Glenn had an awesome take on the news that Obama was planning on dealing with immigration.

True dat. Was he done there? No, next he pretended to pour gas on someone.



Look, there is not much difference between a new immigration policy and shooting Glenn Beck in the head. I actually think it should be the first step taken by the administration. It is amazing that this man is allowed to spew such nonsense on national television. You can do anything you want, as long as it gets ratings, even if it is a man’s mental breakdown.

Ratings are ratings. You actually don’t need a huge number of people to watch your show in cable to be a star and there certainly are a large number of insane right wing lunatics who believe what the Glenn is telling them. They are being stoked and enflamed by his complete and total nonsense. For liberals and Democrats, this couldn’t be a better thing. It’s another big face for the Republicans to wear for the American public. He’s worse than Rush Limbaugh and that is quite an achievement. At least when Clinton was in office, they went after him for stuff that could actually be real. The Whitewater mess, Travel gate, getting blowjobs from interns is all spectacular criticism compared to what lunatics like Glenn Beck are doing now.

And feel free to enjoy some Glenn Beck poetry,, which he recites everyday on his show.

WRONG WITH US

Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was -- he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

Just sit back and enjoy the madness of Glenn Beck, it couldn’t be better advertising for the left.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Hello, minions. After a week absence, I have returned. I apologize for not being there for you on Tuesday. An Asshole Fuckface entered my right eustachian tube and felled me for a couple of days. It was touch and go, almost perished and all that stuff. But now I am alive again and my eustachian tube is popping and pain free, which means the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are quivering in their boots because they are about to be exposed. So, grab your favorite antibiotic because this is going to be messy.

First up, some religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces made a public service announcement against gay marriage. It’s a delightful piece of art.



Holy shit. Their “freedom will be taken away.” They are going to be locked in dungeons and fed dung beetles. That’s just one result of gays marrying. Also, that poor doctor has to choose between doing her job the way she wants or letting gay people live. How fucked up is that?

How terrible is it that a mother has to send her kids to a school in which teachers actually teach students that gay people are not an abomination? What kind of world are we living in? And why aren't there any religious schools for her to send her child to? And why wouldn't a woman so devoted to her crazy religious beliefs that she would appear in an ad send her kid to a private school? Indeed, why wouldn't she home school her spawn so she can properly pass on her crazy unfiltered beliefs?

That other girl says she “will have no choice.” That’s right. You didn’t know this but she is going to be forced to marry a woman and engage in oral sex for the rest of her life. The gays are coming people, and they are coming like a storm. It’s going to be raining cocks (on men) and vaginas (on women).

What’s next? People marrying dogs? Yes, actually, that is next. We’ve already started fucking them in preparation for the groundbreaking dog marriage bill of 2012. After that, we are going to want to marry badgers, panthers, and sofas. You think we are destroying marriage now, wait until I marry my carpet. A storm is coming indeed.

Next, some of our anti-gay friends spiritual Asshole Fuckfaces are busy in Iraq.

Remember when we liberated Iraq? How awesome was that? Not awesome for gay people, apparently.

Who would have thought “liberating” religious extremists living in the birthplace of the Shiite religion would lead to something horrible?

And it’s not just street killings. It seems the wonderful Iraqi government has decided to execute gays for being, well, gay.

Good times. Hope you are enjoying your freedom.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface advice from Texas.

Ah, Texas, you do not let me down. Look, I understand it’s hard being super white and stupid, especially in today’s world, with all of these foreign types coming in and walking around like they own the place. Obviously, there are solutions to help the super white. Texas State Representative Betty Brown unveiled one this week.

Yes. Please. Look, it’s hard being an old, white lady who was raised around names like Jones, Stephens and Blake to suddenly be looking at a name like Dat Si Cho. How about you change that name to Dan Milford? America just became a little bit easier, did it not?

Makes a lot of sense.

Next up, some Democratic Party Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how Harry Reid is the biggest, most spineless, waste of space ever to walk the halls of Congress? Remember how Harry allowed Joe Lieberman to remain Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, even after he spoke at the Republican National Convention and called Obama all sorts of names? Remember when Joe allowed George Bush to do whatever the fuck he wanted while he was Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee and Democrats said he should be removed this year because he’s an Asshole Fuckface who will screw with Obama’s agenda? And then Harry let him stay?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Harry Reid should be waterboarded.

Finally, I save the worst Asshole Fuckface conduct for last. There is something horrible happening in America and many are not even aware of it. It is growing in strength every week and may soon become a serious threat to our daily life.

It is called Adam Lambert. It is a contestant on American Idol. It is being hailed as the greatest find in American Idol history. Here you can watch it rape a Rolling Stones song.



How happy would Andrew Lloyd Webber be with that? I believe doing a gay musical version of any Rolling Stones song is a crime against humanity. Sadly, it cannot be stopped. The judges on American Idol apparently jerk off every time it takes the stage. It’s like watching an asteroid heading towards Earth. We will all suffer – particularly those of us with young daughters.

Daughtry was bad enough, this is unforgivable.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper