The Asshole Fuckface Roundup can be traced back to Rome in the year 222. Young Emperor Elagabalus was a crazed bisexual who enjoyed making prostitutes leave brothels, so he could be the only prostitute. He also encouraged a slave to beat him “as if he were his wife” and was pretty much an all around freak. Finally, his bodyguards cornered him in a bathroom. Elagabalus knew it was over and he yelled his final words, “I’m a total Asshole Fuckface.” He was then decapitated and his naked body was dragged through the streets. Sadly today, we cannot cut Asshole Fuckface's heads off and drag their bodies around. But I can track them down and drag them into the light, for you to behold their heinous acts. And that is just what I have done, so pull out your vinyl robes and sit your ass down, because this is not going to be pretty.

We start in the South, because someone is always being an Asshole Fuckface in the South.

Arkansas State Senator Denny Altes is one hell of a racist. It has been revealed that earlier this month he sent an email to Fort Smith Mayor Bill Vines that contained some fantastic quotes.

Hmmm. Interesting statement from a politician. Maybe you could use that as your next campaign slogan, Denny. It has quite a ring to it. He added another gem.

Jesus. This is really getting bad. We are being out fucked and out bred by blacks and immigrants (Mexicans) are coming at us in hordes. This is a total disaster, please explain further.

Oh. Fine then. I don’t know how I could have come away with that impression. Let's take another look.

Yep, yer an Asshole Fuckface. Now go away forever, thanks.

It’s not often that I will label a woman seeking child support an
Asshole Fuckface, so today is a special day.

Dwayne Dail was convicted in 1989 of raping a 12-year-old girl in North Carolina. At the time his high school sweetheart was pregnant and she ended up crapping out a boy. Dail spent 18 years in prison before he was released in August after being cleared by DNA evidence. Poor dude was innocent.

Dail received $360,000 from the state for spending half his life in prison for a crime he did not commit. During that time he missed his son’s childhood and teenage years. Last month, his son Chris turned 18.

So, what to do if you are the mother and an Asshole Fuckface? Well, how about sue Dail for back child support? I mean, she did raise the boy alone because the deadbeat father was in prison for a rape he didn’t commit.

Dail asked the court to toss the lawsuit. The judge is considering his request.

So, that is going well. How about the kid? He must feel great about all of this.

She must have been an awesome single parent.

Next up, a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces are running around in Sudan.

British teacher Gillian Gibbons went to Sudan to educate children. Recently she was arrested because she allowed her seven-year-old students to
name a teddy bear Muhammad. Yep, you read that correctly. Apparently naming an animal or toy Muhammad is considered insulting.

On Sunday a jury convicted her of the horrible crime after eight hours of deliberation. And it was a just decision. She did not receive 40 lashes because she apologized to the court and instead was given a 15-day prison sentence. But that was not good enough for the crazy Muslim Asshole Fuckfaces around town.

Yes, execution. For naming a teddy bear. They’ve got their priorities all worked out.

Gibbons was moved to a secret location so the Asshole Fuckfaces would not harm her. She sent a message to the world through her son.

Yeah, right.

But can we in America really look down on those crazy Muslims when we have our own version of religious Asshole Fuckfaces?

Meet Janet Folger. She is the president of Faith2Action, a group that believes there is a cultural WAR on and encourages people to “take action.” Just to understand how out of touch with reality she is, you can read her book, “The Criminalization of Christianity.”

Last week Janet wrote and awesome article for WorldNetDaily, which is a complete and total piece of shit website designed to lie and create fear. The article is written in the form of a letter that will be written in the future. Apparently Janet will write this letter from prison.

Holy fucking shit, you are such an Asshole Fuckface that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Nice plug. And what the fuck are you talking about?

Oooo. Sounds scary. Did the homosexuals touch your knickers?

She shouldn’t feel so bad. I watch the National Spelling Bee every year on ESPN and those kids are so socially retarded it is amazing. So, whatever the kid lost in smarts, he gained in being able to get laid before he dies. I’d rather be a total idiot who gets to have sex once in a while than a guy who can spell everything.

Next Janet lays out where things went wrong and it turns out to have been in the years 2007 and 2008. Go figure.

Hey, any abortionist that uses a knife is a pretty shitty abortionist. Just a tip. Seriously, there are several techniques.

Janet then explains how we can avoid the Christian dungeon.

Well, thank fucking God he saw you because if you wrote anymore I was going to kill myself. And Janet, I don’t know if I got the right message from this letter, but I now want to have anal sex with you. I think that would be hot. Give me a call.

Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You each will receive a FearTheReaper beach towel!

For those of you who are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Oh God, another Ron Paul article?!” -- before you ready your long-winded diatribes about the Constitution and the Federal Reserve, or your well-honed Photoshop mockeries of Dr. Paul -- I have a confession to make.

Ron Paul articles are such a guilty pleasure.

Every week, I spend literally minutes a day scanning the Internet for tidbits of news that I can then semi-wittily rephrase, or at least add the word “fuck” to, thus allowing that news to break free from its cocoon of objective journalistic integrity and become a biased, marginally retarded moth of a Newswire article, flapping its oversized left wing and making a few lazy circles around the site before burning out in a small blaze of comments about how, or perhaps what, I suck.

If I burdened myself with concerns like “quality” or “accuracy”, finding these tidbits would pose a challenge, but instead I find myself challenged by my sheer sloth. My weekly deadline looms ever closer each day, like some big scary looming thing, and as it approaches a little voice in the back of my head gets louder and louder:

“C’mon, just post something snarky about Ron Paul and call it a day. I mean, you could try and write something insightful about some important issue, but who’re we kidding here? Think of your comment count!”

Why is my path of least resistance strewn with Ron Paul 2008 flyers? Like most people, I blame the internet. I could mock another of the people who are at least technically running for President, but none of them seem to have an internet Potemkin Village filled with rabid supporters willing to give a crap. Pointing out what a big bag of freak Tom Tancredo is really doesn’t have the same zing, does it?

Plus, the wild world of Ron Paul is a bumper crop of wacky shit to write about.

For example, candidates like Mike Huckabee get the endorsement of learned political pundits like Chuck Norris and Ric “Nature Boy” Flair (thus making Huckabee not so much the second coming of Ronald Reagan as the second coming of Golan & Globus).

But Ron Paul just earned the endorsement of someone from a quite different entertainment industry. Dennis Hof, the owner of an infamous legal brothel in Nevada known as the “Bunny Ranch”, announced that he was supporting Ron Paul and planned to install donation boxes for Paul’s 2008 campaign at the Bunny Ranch.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Ron Paul campaign made sure to inform the media that pimping ain’t easy, or something Ron Paul endorses. Except as an example of how awesome the concept of “states' rights” is:

That’s it, I’m so voting for Ron Paul! I so want the federal government to get off the backs of state governments! Hey, federal government, stop being all mean and un-Constitutional by preventing state governments from outlawing abortion, birth control, interracial marriage and consensual sodomy!

But what if you’re not a Ron Paul supporter, but still yearn for a candidate who can combine straight talk, a dedicated group of supporters, principled and/or completely unrealistic stances on a range of issues, a next to zero percent chance of winning the nomination and the naughty yet oh-so-morally ambiguous concept of exchanging money for sex?

Well, you’re in luck. Dennis Kucinich’s peace train recently made a detour through Smut Town when Larry Flynt hosted a fundraiser for the Kucinich campaign earlier this month. While Flynt has what can only be described as a colorful history of political activism, including offering a million-dollar reward for evidence of a Republican Congressman having an extra-martial affair during the run-up to Bill Clinton’s impeachment, this is the first time he’s actively endorsed a political candidate:

Apparently both Flynt and Kucinich made speeches at the fundraiser. Since the press was not invited, I can only guess what the subject of each speech was:

Dennis Kucinich: “We need to take all of our troops out of Iraq immediately, impeach both Dick Cheney and George Bush, establish universal health care and a Department Of Peace, make foreign trade agreements dependent on workers rights, and legalize same-sex marriage.”

Larry Flynt: “Damn, how fucking hot is Elizabeth Kucinich?”

Well, I’m off to buy the new Barely Legal DVD, since it now counts as a political statement.

As embarrassing as it is to be an American these days, with our pathetic political representation, disgraceful media and voter apathy, Wednesday night was an incredibly shameful display by CNN. The Republican YouTube debate started out like an episode of "America’s Funniest Videos" and didn’t get much better.

You might think it would be a good idea for presidential candidates to answer questions from the people who will be voting. The questions should be reflective of the issues that actually concern Americans and could potentially catch candidates more off guard than the typical reporter questions. Not when CNN picks them. In substance, they are the same type of typical reporter questions, but instead they are asked in incredibly undignified and retarded ways.

The ridiculousness kicked off with a montage of YouTube videos from the last debate: We saw an idiotic snowman, an alien, a graphic Richard Nixon ghost, little kids, a speaking Abe Lincoln photo, along with a speaking Ben Franklin bill, stuffed animals and real dogs that talk. And that was what we weren’t going to see! Ha ha ha. Wow, great start. Republicans are trying to figure out which candidate to pick and CNN is wasting time showing how they were complete assholes during the Democratic debate.

Then CNN played a video of some idiot from Washington who had written a song about the debate and tossed it up on YouTube. It was a shocking new low for a presidential debate. The song was high school-level, variety show bullshit and embarrassing to every man, woman and Ron Paul in that auditorium. But we got to watch the candidates awkwardly watch the idiot strum his guitar and sing for three minutes. You can tell a debate is not starting well when the host says.

Now, close your eyes and picture Walter Cronkite saying that. How'd that go? Not so good, huh?

Anderson Cooper then got things off and running. We got immediately into one of the issues Americans care least about. Immigration! The two first questions can easily be summed up:

The third immigration question was from a small business owner and quite smart. But, hey, that’s three immigration questions! More than any other topic, I guess because it’s fifth on the list of important issues. Awesome!

26% - The war in Iraq
16% - Health care
14% - Job creation and economic growth
13% - Terrorism
11% - Illegal immigration
8% - The environment and global warming
6% - Energy and the cost of gas
3% - Social issues such as abortion and gay marriage
1% - Other (vol.)

Sadly, only McCain and Huckabee came across as slightly human in their answers on immigration. The rest were idiots. Oh, and there were only two questions about Iraq. No questions about health care. No questions about job growth, the environment, energy, on and on.

Finally, we moved on to…the NAFTA Superhighway. You know, the thing that does not exist. Why not just ask a question about what the candidates would do if Mothra was attacked the US? The irresponsibility of CNN to allow shit like this on the air is astounding. The question was directed at Ron Paul who, of course, pretended like the NAFTA Superhighway is real. Wouldn’t want to freak out your psycho followers, would you Paul?

Then we had a couple of decent questions from two women. Nicely done. So, why not follow it up with a question from a cartoon Uncle Sam about eliminating income tax? Anyone notice these questions are aimed at adults running for the fucking White House? Why not a question about Iraq from Snuffleupagus? Or maybe a zucchini with lips could ask about Social Security?

Then came a guy eating corn and asking about farm subsidies, a gun control question from a guy irresponsibly handing firearms, some fucking idiot asking what guns the candidates owned, a douche bag asking them if they believe every word of The Bible, another asshat pretending he was two different people, a question from a cartoon Dick Cheney who was threatening the candidates with a gun and an asshole asking a question about his precious Confederate flag. Overall, it was an embarrassing display.

There were some interesting and effective questions asked, but they were few and far between. CNN attempted to make the debate “entertaining” and ended up creating an arena of shame.

The crowd itself was disturbing. The cheering of torture, while a man stands onstage who was actually the victim of torture, is beyond disgusting. Not all joined in the Roman like blood lust, but it was well over half. The crowd was obviously pretty much all white. When they showed a wide shot of the entire theater, I could only see one black man. But I’d like to thank CNN for showing close ups of two different black men. Must have been hard to find them with all those white faces. Zero in on that oddity. Brava.

Mike Huckabee was the clear winner. He was well spoken, funny and focused. Mitt Romney stumbled quite a bit, particularly on The Bible question. Rudy Guiliani was on the defensive a lot and Fred Thompson was just pathetic. Not so easy without a script, eh, gramps? Ron Paul just seemed outclassed and was definitely the most booed candidate on the stage. But the strangest man to watch on that stage was John McCain. On one hand he seemed old and a bit tired, but then it became apparent that he didn’t know what the fuck had happened to his party. Here was a man who used to be completely conservative but is now considered a moderate. He often seemed disgusted with the black and white answers of his fellow candidates and the total lack of substance in their answers. He was visibly angry at Mitt Romney’s pro-torture response to one question. It made me remember why I liked him back in the day. Sad.

I lived in the cesspool known as New York City for five years. Rudy Giuliani was running the show the entire time and he quickly rose up my list of worst human beings alive. He is, quite simply, an arrogant asshole. Yesterday, I learned that as a New York City taxpayer I was helping Rudy put his penis inside an unfortunate woman.

This means no White House for Rudy. He’s toast.

A bit of this story surfaced in 2001, when a city auditor found $34,000 of travel expenses hidden in accounts of the New York City Loft Board. The mayor, being an upstanding guy, refused to comment on the expenses for “security” reasons. At the time, auditors could not verify that the expenses were for legitimate city business. Unfortunately for Rudy, the US has something called the Freedom of Information Law. Politico.com used it dig up the truth.

Conclusive? No? Enough to destroy a presidential campaign? Oh, yes.

Now, I could give a shit if Rudy was driving out to the Hamptons to fuck Donkeys or a woman or to jerk off at sunrise, while yelling, "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy." What does matter was that the “fiscally responsible” mayor was using city funds for fuck trips. If they weren’t fuck trips, then he probably should have explained them back in 2001 when questions were being asked. And in his Rudy style, he took from those who needed it most.

Weird, because Rudy just loves the disabled.



Nice work, America’s Mayor.

Rudy could have just traveled out to the Hamptons and kept it all above board, but he decided to hide it and leave the tab with “little known city offices.” Why? He was having an extra-marital affair and didn’t want anyone to know. In doing so, he managed to combine everything Republicans are supposed to be against: Immoral behavior and fiscal irresponsibility.

Last night during the Republican debate, Rudy was asked about the breaking story. He responded by saying he had security everywhere he went and how they billed the city was not his responsibility. Uh huh. Good luck with that one.

Rudy's in trouble. His arrogance led him to flaunt his affair and now he's going to pay.

And the best part of that story is that when the press found out about the affair, Rudy called a press conference to announce that he was getting a divorce. He just neglected to tell his wife beforehand. Is telling your wife you want a divorce, via the media, presidential?

Besides 9/11, Rudy has been running on fiscal responsibility and accountability.

Indeed, you do, Rudy. You’re wrapped up in financial irregularities, misuse of official city resources, and an attempt to hide your affair. Welcome to failure.

Republicans have been quite busy the past couple of years, with all their man-on-man fucking and trying to blow police officers in bathrooms, while trying to pass laws against man-on-man fucking and blowing police officers in bathrooms. But when Democrats stray from the path, they really do it in style. Take my latest hero, New Hampshire’s own Gary Dodds.

Last year Gary was running in the Democratic Primary for the 1st District Congressional seat when he had a horrible accident.

Yes, they found his car but poor Gary was gone. New Hampshire law enforcement, fire departments and the state’s Fish and Game officers were all mobilized to look for Gary. Surely his wife and two daughters were terrified.

It was an odd accident. Dodds’ Lincoln Continental was the only car involved and when Emergency Responders arrived, there was no driver to be found. Gary’s disappearance lasted for just over a day before he was located, under some leaves.

Thank God he was alive. Dodds spent a week in the hospital recovering from his horrible ordeal. But the police had some questions.

It is odd, especially since Dodds was a volunteer fireman.

Gary said he swerved to avoid a deer and crashed into the guardrail. The airbag hit him in the part of his body where he keeps his brain and he became disoriented, got out of his car, crossed the river and laid down in a pile of leaves a mile away from the crash - exactly what they say to do in fireman school. Poor Gary didn’t know why he crossed the river, walked a mile and fell into his pile of leaves, but he did tell the cops he “swam” across the river right after the accident.

But when the cops found him, he was not wet and he did not have frostbite on his hands or face. His shoes, however, were soaked. So much so, that when they took his shoes off water poured out, much the way it would if someone had JUST walked through water, instead of 24 hours before. The ground also did not have an indentation consistent with someone lying there for a day and a woman who lived near the river was outside when Gary said he crossed. She said he didn’t. And doctors said Gary could go home the next day, but he decided to stay for A WEEK, just to be sure. So, none of that looks good for our hero.

Turns out Dodds sort of faked the whole thing. Gary was arrested in April and charged with two misdemeanors.

Then, later in April he was charged with a felony.

Finally this week, we learned why Dodds faked the car accident, hid out for a day, then soaked his feet in a river and hid under a pile of leaves. To help his campaign! Duh. It’s called leadership.

Err, back up. I forgot to mention that before the accident the FCC was threatening to open an investigation into Gary because of “discrepancies in campaign finance reports." Oh, and he also took out a second mortgage on a house he owned with his wife without telling her.

I think I fucking love this man. This is the greatest Democrat in the history of our country. I don’t know how this plan did not work. It was fucking foolproof! Can't you just see the ad?

But in a bizarre twist, Gary did not win the election. Some lady did. Weird, right?

The book Fahrenheit 451 was originally a novella called The Fireman. It was written by Ray Bradbury and was meant as a critique of American society. In the book, critical thinking is suppressed and firemen are actually book burners. Bradbury explained what the book was about.

Sounds pretty on target as far as where we are today, except for the role of firemen in our society. They are regarded as heroes, who sacrifice their lives to save what we hold dear. Firemen are the ultimate example of good in our society. But the Bush administration loves to ruin everything and they now have their sights set on firemen.

Uh, what? What the fuck is happening? The government is already monitoring our phone calls, our emails, where we fly, our purchases and can turn our cell phones into a listening device whenever they want and now they want to turn our firemen in spies and narcs. Fuck off.

The Homeland Security Department is now testing their new fireman as narcs program in New York City. Firemen are being taught how to “identify material or behavior” of terrorists. If things go well, it will be expanded across the United States of Creepy.

Yeah, no shit, asshole. Now, why do I think that firemen don’t actually need to be trained to turn someone in if they find RPG’s in a basement? Nice try with the spin, but I’m not a fucking moron. This program is about snooping and getting around warrants; using men who should be doing no such thing.

Huh, so they already do all that. What a surprise. Now, what exactly are firemen not doing that Homeland Security wants them to do? Here’s a scenario: There is a call to 911 of a fire in a home. On there way there, firemen get a call over the radio telling them it is a possible terrorist home and to search the property. The firemen get there and tear the place up looking for information. Turns out the poor guy is not a terrorist, but his house has been ransacked. And hey, who made the 911 call in the first place? Because the guy who lives there didn't.

911 calls have been abused for years by police trying to get into a home, bringing firemen into the equation is bad fucking news. Although, some firemen seem to be okay with the idea.

Oh, good. Then don’t be too upset if a dislike of firemen follows.

Yes, you do. And hopefully after this program is in place, we can get the cable guys going next.

I know, I know. There is no reason to impeach the president. It would be so bad for Democrats, the nation would be split and blah, blah, blah. Never mind that every day we seem to get more information about an insanely out of control White House. Like last week, when former White House press secretary Scott McClellan made a little boo boo.

Uh oh! That would be illegal. Turns out you can’t lie to federal investigators, and if this statement is true, then that is exactly what Bush did. When Patrick Fitzgerald was investigating the Plame leak, he questioned Bush. George
explained that he had directed Cheney to counter allegations made by Joe Wilson that the White House had lied about Iraq trying to acquire uranium. Bush also said he gave the order to disclose, “Highly classified information” that would “discredit Wilson.”

McClellan’s statement would mean that Bush LIED to Fitzgerald. Martha Stewart went to jail for lying to federal investigators, because it is a FUCKING CRIME. An ex-White House press secretary just said that he “knowingly passed along false information” in order to confuse investigators. Here’s another example of someone committing the same crime: SCOOTER FUCKING LIBBY. Libby was charged with two counts of making false statements when interviewed by agents of the FBI and one count of obstruction of justice – for covering up the same thing that Bush did. Holy shit! Now lets all sit on our ass!

Naturally, our wonderful media yawned and took a nap. I mean, shit, what is there to write about? The president was only just implicated in a crime. Although it’s not the first time someone has given us information that the president was involved. The first piece of evidence came from a guy named Dick Cheney in the form of a certain note he scribbled one day that was presented during Scooter Libby’s trial:

So, during Scooter Libby’s trial we learned this and now McClellan has backed it up with a statement. Is it conclusive? No. Should Congress open an impeachment investigation? Fuck yes.

McClellan, of course, retracted his statement.

Looks like someone got a few phone calls from people yelling, “You asshole, you just claimed the president committed a crime!”

Judges and lawyers take notice of public statements because they often turn out to be true. It’s the one that comes later, when you say, “But, but, I meant something else,” that is the lie. And in this case, the statement is corroborated by actual evidence presented during a trial. And what happened to that trial anyway?

Oh, right, a pardon. For a guy who could have avoided jail by squealing on…the president. Well, now, that is a big fucking crime, isn’t it?

But, I know, an impeachment investigation would be bad for Democrats. And that is really the greater good, isn’t it? Not the rule of law, but the rule of party.

Oh, shit. We are now officially getting down to it. The Iowa “we’re a special state” caucus is on January 3rd and there are 45 delegates up for grabs. Five days later the New Hampshire primary will be held and that tiny, weird state will cough up 22 delegates. I think it is fucking bullshit that Iowa gets to hold the first primary every year and make an enormous impact on the presidential election because based on recent candidates; they are sucking at their picks.

The big news out of Iowa is that Hillary is beginning to drop. The latest poll has her numbers sinking from 43% in September to 26% now. That is a plummet and puts her in second place behind Obama, who comes in at 30%. Edwards is bringing up the rear with 22%.

The way voters are talking, it sounds like the last thing they want is Hillary Clinton, regardless of how the media is trying to make her sound “inevitable.”

New direction, new ideas = Obama. Old ideas, old direction = Hillary. There’s more.

Clinton comes in 4th on which Democrat is most "honest and trustworthy" -- 27% Obama, 18% Edwards, 14% Richardson, 13% Clinton.

Fourth. That is incredibly poor for the “leading” presidential candidate. The only guy I know of who won a presidential election when people did not consider him “honest and trustworthy” was Nixon. In ’68, he hit the road and had a bunch of townhall meetings, basically winning over people because of his knowledge and intellect. Americans didn’t like him but they thought he would do a better job. After eight years of Bush I don’t know if that is going to fly for Hillary.

In less than 50 days, we are going to be down to two candidates. Most likely, Obama and Clinton. That is when I believe we will really begin to see the Clinton likeability factor. People will begin leaving their favorite candidate, as Edwards, Richardson, Dodd, and the rest fall way. Where will those people go? I can’t see very many of Edward's followers going to Hillary because she is seen as a corporate beast and he is running a populist campaign.

Edwards has also been falling in Iowa and those votes are going to either Obama or Richardson. They are clearly not jumping over to Hillary. But Hillary is not giving up and has recently flooded the state with operatives. The only problem is that everyone already knows Hillary, which means more organizers isn’t going to make a difference. Almost everyone has made up their mind about Hillary and voters are now picking between the guys they don’t know: Richardson and Obama.

In New Hampshire, Clinton has a bigger lead but she is also starting to slip. Edwards is in a dead heat with Richardson, but he is falling while Richardson is going up. If Richardson finishes ahead of Edwards, the southern ex-Senator will be in pretty, bad shape and may be close to calling it a day.

If Obama has a good showing in Iowa, which is how it is looking now, he could be riding a huge wave of good time feelings. Headlines will be screaming that he kicked the ass of the ex-President’s wife. More money comes flooding in and he is off and running. At that point, Clinton will have to go very negative, which coming from an unlikable person never goes over well. She already started last week and it was rather pathetic.

Ah, yes, he doesn’t have any foreign experience. Slam. Or was it?

And game over. That is a quick and easy ass kicking by Obama. Note to Hillary: If you are going to talk shit about someone not having any experience, make sure your own experience doesn't suck.

Will his lack of foreign policy experience be a problem? Yep. Will anyone who voted to go into Iraq be able to call him on it? Nope. Certainly the voters in Iowa are taking his foreign policy experience into account and they are still moving in his direction. He's also got this big likeability/sexy thing going on. That is always tough to beat.

Clinton is on top right now in nationwide poll, but that does not mean shit. If Obama pulls off Iowa, he heads into New Hampshire with a lot of momentum. If he then manages to pull off win in the granite state, then Hillary is fucked going into South Carolina. The primary season will only last three weeks after that and all the spinning of “inevitable” over the past month by her campaign will bite her in the ass.

For the record, I don’t want either one of them. (I’m a racist/sexist.)

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Not many people know the origins of the Roundup. We have to go all the way back to Paris in the Year of our Lord one thousand three hundred and fourteen. As the Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, was being slowly burned at the stake by order of King Phillip IV, he is said to have only uttered one phrase: “Phillip is totally this week’s Asshole Fuckface.” Ever since that day, there has been a weekly Roundup. I search the news each week and unearth subhuman creatures for you to observe, poke at and mock. It is not easy; some would say I am cursed, yet I continue on. So, put on your ponchos, this is going to be ugly.

It seems every week the Pentagon is doing whatever it can to earn the label of Asshole Fuckface.

On Thanksgiving, it was revealed that the Pentagon has decided not to include soldiers who sustain a common and sometimes devastating injury during battle as “officially wounded.”

But, hey, it’s easy to undercount by 20,000. I did it yesterday when I was counting how many Advil I had left.

The Pentagon lists the number of troops who have sustained brain trauma during combat as 4,471 and the overall number of wounded is 30,327. Now tack on 20,000 soldiers who have sustained brain injuries and been left off the list and we are looking at 50,000.

It can be a brutal injury. Take Marine Lance Cpl. Gene Landrus, who was injured in a roadside bomb attack. He blacked out for a few seconds and when he came to, everything was moving in slow motion.

It is often missed on the battlefield because medics are trying to keep people alive and spend more time checking for holes than concussions. But that is no excuse for these soldiers not being included in the official statistics when the injuries are discovered later. That is just pure bullshit designed to hide the truth about the war and because of that decision, the Pentagon is officially an Asshole Fuckface organization.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without Wal-Mart? Nothing, that’s what.

Meet 52-year-old Deborah Shank. She was a Wal-Mart employee who got into an accident with a semi. That usually does not go well and it didn’t for Deborah. She ended up with permanent brain damage and in a wheel chair. Thankfully, her Wal-Mart health insurance paid for her medical bills. But Deborah is going to need permanent care, so she sued the trucking company and ended up with $417,000 after legal fees. It was put into a trust to pay the nursing home that she now lives in.

Then Wal-Mart sued to get that money. After all, the Wal-Mart plan had paid for her medical bills, so it was theirs.

Apparently this is a growing practice in our corporate world. They call it “subrogation” and claim it is a way to save money for everyone who is part of the health plan. The Supreme Court upheld the practice, so companies go after every poor injured bastard they can. Certainly Wal-Mart needs the money. Actually, they didn’t just want the money.

Wow, that is nice. Wal-Mart was upset because the Shanks claimed the company was not entitled to the money because it went into a trust and not straight to the family. And for that they must pay.

The Shanks lost the case last year and appealed. Then their 18-year-old son died fighting in Iraq. Then they lost the appeal. That is a bad fucking year.

That just warms the heart, doesn’t it? The Shanks are continuing to appeal the verdict. Wal-Mart remains an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, my favorite Democratic Asshole Fuckface is back!

You gotta love Rep. William J. Jefferson of Louisiana. In 2005 Jefferson was videotaped accepting $100,000 from an investor. The FBI then raided his home and found $90,000 in his freezer. Of course, that is not a good enough reason to throw the man out of Congress and the good people of Louisiana voted him back in office in a runoff election last December. Then in June, a federal grand jury indicted him on 16 charges related to corruption. He has been charged with receiving more than $500,000 in bribes and demanded millions of dollars more between 2000 and 2005. He could serve life in prison.

Mr. Jefferson Fuckface is a bonanza of corruption and this week we learned more!

Hey, he was just trying to help out.

Just a day’s work.

Uh, why the fuck would the Asshole Fuckfaces living in the 2nd district of Louisiana elect this guy back into office? Oh, right, they're also Asshole Fuckfaces. May he spend many, many years in prison.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckface roundup is always pleased to give our crazy religious friends the nod.

This week it is our good friends at Conservapedia, the conservative version of Wikipedia. Turns out Wikipedia was too biased because the truth can be found everywhere. The stated purpose of Conservapedia was to create “an encyclopedia written from the socially and economically conservative viewpoint supportive of Conservative Christianity.” (Lies.)

Conservapedia kicked off in November of 2006 and it has been kicking ass in a Jesus-like way. There are over 20,400 entries. Sorry, 20,400 “educational, clean, and concise” entries. Not going to find anything about dirty fucking on Conservapedia.

So, now that it’s been a year, let’s check out what the good conservative people of our great nation search for and read.

Most viewed pages:

#1 Main Page [1,932,512]
#2 Homosexuality [1,623,972]
#3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis [518,027]
#4 Homosexuality and Parasites [433,369]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity [422,103]
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome [401,126]
#7 Homosexual Couples and Domestic Violence [373,943]
#8 Homosexuality and Gonorrhea [332,073]
#9 Homosexuality and Anal Cancer [294,344]
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health [293,754]

Yep, that is clean and concise all right. I can picture thousands upon thousands of Christian Asshole Fuckfaces reading Conservapedia while shaking their heads in disgust and harshly gripping and tugging on their penis until it erupts. Seriously, just fuck a dude. You want it so bad it is insane.

And, uh, homosexuality and parasites? What the fuck?

Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You will be receiving a FearTheReaper silk tie in the mail.

The president saved two turkeys from a grim death this week. It’s become a tradition to pardon two White House turkeys and I think it is a retarded one. Everyone seems to believe Truman was the first president to start the turkey pardons, but that is not true. Truman actually made comments about eating the turkey, which is very different than a pardon.

Kennedy didn’t pardon a turkey, but he did refuse to eat it. Bush senior is actually the first president who used the term “Pardon” and now we all have to live with it.

George, just kill the bird and eat it. Be a man. You eat meat and you are going to eat turkey on Thanksgiving night, so don’t be such a pussy and have the bird killed. Or do it yourself, with your bare hands.

Nearly 4,000 soldiers have died during your presidency and an enormous number of innocent civilians around the world. The fact that you refuse to eat a bird that is raised specifically as a food source is ridiculous. You have no problem with death.

Ha ha ha, fuck you.

This year there were two birds, named May and Flower. Americans named the birds in an online contest. Weeeeeeee!

Ha ha ha and, again, fuck you. Kill the bird with your bare hands, pussy.

The two turkeys will be flown first class to Disney World, where they will live in the backyard of Mickey Mouse’s Country House, which is considered a fate worse than death by many. What turkey wouldn’t want to live in a theme park? Oh, right, EVERY TURKEY.

Besides, they won’t live very long, anyway. The pardoned birds usually last less than a year and die a painful death. Fast growing, commercially raised turkeys die quickly because they grow too large for their bone structure and are susceptible to disease. So basically, by not killing them you are leaving them to suffer a worse fate.

Anyway, now that you’ve saved these turkeys, go about your regular business and enjoy eating another, less-worthy turkey.

I guess those turkeys weren’t good enough. Or maybe they were gay, or Muslim, or something else that Bush hates.

The American government is so sickening sometimes that it is astounding. George Bush is a hideous viper, who could give a shit about any of the soldiers killed or wounded while fighting his useless and ill-planned wars. Every couple of months we receive information that backs up such a statement, whether it is our lack of care for mental disorders caused by the war or the condition of our Veteran Hospitals and we should constantly hang our heads in shame.

The lastest attack on soldiers who fought in Afghanistan and Iraq is so disgusting it makes me want to drive my car through the White House gates. (Just to say, “Hi.” Easy, Secret Service.)

Yep, you read that correctly. Many soldiers get signing bonuses these days, up to $30,000, because they are making the choice to join the military while the country is at war. Problem is, being at war sometimes leads to those soldiers losing legs, or arms, or eyes. Guess what? If you lose a fucking eye, then you have not fulfilled your commitment and you have to give back the money.

The military is asking Fox to pay back $3,000 of his signing bonus, because he did not fulfill three months of his commitment. Oh, also, he can’t see out of his right eye because a bomb blew up near him while he was in IRAQ, fighting for government.

Yeah, yeah, I get all that. Your dreams are over, you are permanently handicapped. Anyway, can we get our money back?

This is seriously the most fucked up thing I have written about since I started on this site. What kind of fucking animals are running our country? Oh, right, the kind who love a photo op.


So, you can give me a check now, or mail it later...


Democratic Representative Jason Altmire is working to stop the villainous behavior.

Hopefully this bill will be retroactive, but right now it is not. The Department of Defense is, of course, doing all they can for our soldiers.

Go eat a dick.

I think anyone with a brain can agree that Condoleezza Rice has been about as useless and ineffective as any previous Secretary of State. Feel free to tell me one important thing she has accomplished. I’ll wait. Be right over there.

Well, she did manage to help start a disastrous war. That was pretty impressive, I guess. Recently Fred Kaplan of Slate called Rice out as the worst National Security Advisor in the history of the White House – and that includes Walt Rostow! (I don’t know anything about Walt, but I disagree with his name)

And you didn’t think anyone could possibly ever be worse than Walt. You were wrong. Anybody ever think of Rice's great work during the build up to the war? Not so much. It was all Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld when it came to the planning, or lack there of. Condi was invisible. I don’t know what the fuck she did, except occasionally whisper in George’s ear what a Shiite was, which didn't take anyway.

Then she moved to the State Department and took over as Secretary of State. I thought, “What the fuck?” Besides being totally useless at her previous job, what had she ever done to deserve such an important position? Fortunately, our president does not worry about who is deserving of official positions.

Well, she has had the job now for three years and, uh, I don’t know what she is trying to accomplish. I read the news everyday, lots and lots of it. I see Condi making trips to different countries, but I really don’t know what she is trying to accomplish on these trips, other than to tell foreign leaders that the war is going great and to describe the awesomeness of Democracy. Meanwhile, everything she touches turns to shit.

And Israel went to war with an Arab nation for the first time in 24 years. Hezbollah emerged from the war as the big winner. These are all great signs of Rice’s incredible understanding of the world.

Now she is trying to pull off one last score to salvage a terrible legacy. America is sponsoring a Middle East peace conference, which is fucking idiotic considering we have started two preemptive wars in the past six years. Actually, the conference has been “downgraded” to a “meeting.” It is embarrassing that Rice would think that she has any credibility at all.

Condi has been taking many trips to the region, but achieving little. She has even had a new Hebrew word created because of her actions.

Case closed. That is so fucking pathetic it is amazing. The woman is so lame that she has a verb named after her that basically means, “Getting nothing done.” Now that is a legacy.

One of the big arguments for the pro-war crowd is that we just can’t leave those Iraqis alone after invading and setting off a world of chaos. They believe that if we were to leave Iraq, the country would immediately fall apart and many people would be killed. They, of course, never address the fact that people in Iraq are dying all the time and our presence seems to be doing little to stop the violence and some have even argued that a US presence actually encourages violence because our favoritism creates more tension. I agree with the latter.

Now comes some interesting evidence that maybe the “lets keep the troop in Iraq forever” crowd is completely wrong. In September, British troops pulled out of Basra and moved to an airport near the city. Some may find the results surprising, I don’t because it makes complete sense.

Well, there you go. The British believed – and have been proven right – that having their troops patrolling only caused more violence because people were trying to kill them. They theorized that if you took out the guys everyone was trying to kill, then less people would try to attack. Pretty simple.

Iraqis now patrol the center of the city and the British rarely enter. The situation is much different in Baghdad because Basra is a Shiite city, while Baghdad is a mix of Sunni and Shiite, who have been fighting for centuries. Pulling troops out might not have the same effect as in Basra, although even the British have been surprised at the incredible drop in violence.

The British have been in talks with the most powerful Militia in Basra, the Sadr militia, in an attempt to lure them into being part of the political process. They hope, in the end, that the militia will support the Iraqi security forces.

In other parts of the country, the US has backed the Islamic Supreme Council of Iraq over Sadr, even though Sadr has stronger support among the Shiite masses. The ISCI has been losing support due to its ties with the US government and Iran, as well as a reputation for being corrupt and employing death squads. Basically, the US backed the wrong horse and the British example is the way to go for peace. But it is not surprising because the ISCI represents upper class Shiites, while Sadr represents the lower class. We know who the US always chooses in that situation.

Unlike the British, we have selectively chosen the weakest and least popular of the two forces. In the end, it simply won’t work. The best solution would be to engage both Shiite groups, instead of picking a side. The worst solution is to back the group that does not have the support of the street and create even more resentment between the organizations. Right now the two forces have called a truce to fight the surge.

Of course, none of this takes into account the Sunnis, which the US has been arming to fight al Qaeda. That is also pissing off the Shiites. Each day our policies are creating more and more tension and anger and we are throwing extra weapons in as a bonus. Ugh. Acceptance and negotiation or willful ignorance with force? It sounds like we have taken a completely different approach than the British.

George Bush has proven over and over that he is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. One of the most glaring examples is his many recess appointments which he has greatly perfected over the years, allowing legions of unqualified morons to fill important positions in our government. His first big recess appointment was John Bolton in August 2005 to the position of ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton, of course, turned out to be the shitty ambassador that anyone with a brain knew he would be.

So, this Thanksgiving holiday Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is going to keep the Senate in session to stop Bush from making any recess appointments.

Reid will keep the Senate in session by scheduling nonvoting sessions, which means some poor bastard is going to have to show up over the break. Reid explained that Bush refuses to bargain and just waits for a recess to make appointments. Bush also refuses to consider Democratic picks for several appointments.

The most disturbing pick who wasn’t gotten past the Senate is James Holsinger for surgeon general. Holsinger spent years in Kentucky trying to fix gay people and Bush wants to reward his creepy beliefs by making him the leading spokesmen for the government of matters of public health.

Yeah, we should probably stop that guy, considering he lives in the year 1800. Bush let Reid know he would be appointing some nominees that the Democrats called, “Unacceptable.”

So, this is what we have come to. The US has a president who just doesn’t want to play like an adult and the opposition party has to go to ridiculous lengths to stop him from doing whatever he wants. But there is one more thing that could happen here: What if Bush claims he is appointing them anyway? It would fit right in with his abuse of power pattern and I would not put it past him. Could be kind of fun, in a “What the fuck is happening?” kind of way.

It is Saturday. All over the world, horrible people wake up and fear their name appear in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It has been this way for centuries and can be traced back to the time of Genghis Kahn, who it is said rose from his tent every morning and nervously checked the Interweb. He would then rise and scream, “I am not an Asshole Fuckface!” At least until the day that he was actually labeled an Asshole Fuckface. He then died of a broken heart. But enough of that sentimental bullshit, today I have dug up some amazing Asshole Fuckfacism. So, put on your plastic moo moos, this is going to get ugly.

First up, we head to the land of kangaroos and Asshole Fuckfaces.

Santas in Sydney have been told not to say, “Ho ho ho.” And the reasoning is wonderful.

Who the fuck thought this up? How many women issues do you have to have to be an Asshole Fuckface who thinks that a woman would misinterpret Santa’s classic catch phrase for an incredibly derogatory term? But at least the company who provides the Santas has come up with a good solution.

That makes me want to punch myself in my Santas. But, hey, at least they didn’t go with, “Twat, twat, twat.”

Of course a US firm employs the Santas. Sorry to get you involved in our insane “War on Christmas” Australia, but at least you’ll get a mention from Bill O’Reilly.

Next up we head to the cold, vampire soaked land of Alaska for a little Asshole Fuckface intrusion.

You can always count on PETA to make total asses out of themselves. This time they have decided to take on Alaska and their horrific eating habits. Yep, they don’t want Alaskans to eat…fish.

Seriously, this is like asking Ron Jeremy to not eat pussy. Did that get weird? Sorry.

PETA made a strong case against fish eating by traveling to Alaska with a “fish empathy quilt.” Congrats PETA, because nothing says empathy more than a fish quilt. I can’t imagine how many Alaskans took a look at that quilt and said, “Hey, I should give up centuries of tradition and eat more things that do not exist in this frozen wasteland.”

I will: You are Asshole Fuckfaces, PETA. I think there are some bigger fish to fry that what is happening in Alaska. (I am not proud of what happened there)

Next we move to Canada for some Mountie Asshole Fuckfacery.

This one is quite disturbing. In October, a 40-year-old Polish man flew to Canada, where he was going to live with his mother. Robert Dziekanski was not much of a traveler and rarely left his hometown Pieszyce, Poland. On this trip he would never make it out of the Vancouver airport.

Canadian authorities reported that they had to subdue a belligerent man with tasers, which led to his death.

Wouldn’t that be great if it was true? Well, not great, but you know what I mean. What actually occurred was a bit different. A mix up at the airport left Dziekanski waiting for 10 hours in a secure area. After waiting for him for hours and not receiving any help from immigration officials, his mother left. Apparently no one noticed he was waiting in the secure area, so he started to throw a tantrum. He threw a couple of chairs and a computer. Dude was pissed and rightfully so. He went a bit overboard, but who can’t understand his plight? Dziekanski can’t communicate with language and he has never traveled to another country. Now he is being held in a pen for 10 hours. Might as well start throwing shit.

What to do now? You’re an international airport employee, maybe you should have a phone list with interpreters on it. Instead, police were called.

This is where the police story and the real story differ quite a bit. Turns out someone video taped the entire episode. When the police arrive, Dziekanski turns around and puts his hands above his head. The Mounties respond by shooting him with a Taser gun. They took all of 24 seconds to make that decision. 10 hours of built up frustration vs. 24 seconds. Nice work boys. Two minutes later and a few more tasers Dziekanski was dead.

The video was just released. Here it is, if you are interested in watching a man needlessly die.



Well that was a bummer, so how about I cheer you up with some good, old-fashioned Asshole Fuckface southern racism?

A white Louisiana state representative thought it would be a good idea to drop a little racism just a week before an election. Democrat Carla Blanchard Dartez had a conversation with a 75-year-old civil rights veteran that did not end well.

Oops. Boykin was active in the 1960s, helping to desegregate restaurants and schools. Her son is president of the Terrebonne Parish chapter of the NAACP. And she did not enjoy being called “Buckwheat.”

Well, maybe there was some sort of argument or something.

Oh. I have to say that is not a good way to thank someone. Dartez apologized and said she did not mean to offend Boykin. She has not dropped out of the race, which is being held today! Yay for Asshole Fuckfacery!

Next up, we travel to the bizarre and crazy world of Kentucky for some classic Asshole Fuckface behavior.

On November 5th, “homemaker” Linda Long was enjoying a church service in London, Kentucky by holding a rattlesnake. Linda was apparently full of evil or some shit because the yellow timber rattler bit her on the right cheek. That is actually the main reason you should not hold them in your hands.

Long was taken to Marymount Medical Center for treatment of the wound that God inflicted upon her for being impure. Long died and now her family is suing the hospital. We should definitely believe the family over the hospital, because they hold deadly vipers for God.

Uh huh. I realize you guys maybe don’t know anything because you just read the one book, but medical personnel have to ask many questions that you, being a snake holding retard, might view as unimportant, but may actually end up saving a life. In this case it didn't, because your daughter was bit in the face by a lethal snake she was waving around in front her head.

The family also claims that hospital employees made fun of them.

Well, fuck yes. She held a deadly viper in her hands in an attempt to prove that God thought she was nifty. God said, “Nope.” Or at least that is what your lunatic religion believes. In reality, she was betting she was immune to the forces of nature and nature ate her cheek.

I’m going to go ahead and guess the doctor went to medical school and you just read the one book. Also, you guys hold snakes, so shut the fuck up.

First of all, God hated her. Second, her heart stopped. She didn’t die from a lack of oxygen. She died because SHE HELD A FUCKING POISONIOUS SNAKE NEAR HER HEAD.

Well, if they win, maybe the Asshole Fuckfaces can get enough snakes to fill a pool and go rattler diving.

And finally, a special shout out to Asshole Fuckface favorites Fox News.



Look, Nancy Pelosi is responsible for gas prices! What a horrible woman!

Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You are fantastic Asshole Fuckfaces and you will each receive a FearTheReaper lack of empathy quilt.

No, seriously, it’s the best. It’s like I have a superhuman ability to predict the political future. While I recognize that with great power comes great responsibility, I have no problem shirking that responsibility in favor of juvenile gloating. And so I will:

Ha HA! I was right. And it feels so, so good.

I suppose you’re wondering what I’m talking about. I guess I’ll let you in on it. In the spring, I wrote an article here discussing the arguments heard in Federal Election Commission v. Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc., a Supreme Court case testing the constitutionality of a specific provision of the McCain-Feingold campaign reform bill. That bill was of course written by current GOP nominee hopeful John McCain. That provision made it illegal for non-profit organizations to broadcast issue ads that were targeted at specific candidates for office. In my (typically excellent) article, I wrote:

A few months later, the Court, as I predicted, struck down the provision. In a confusing opinion that ignored very recent precedent, the Court held that non-profit advertisers could target any candidate they wanted so long as the advertisement could not reasonably be interpreted to be a direct appeal to voters.

It’s now a few months even later and we’re now in the heat of the primary season. So guess which candidate was the first to have one of these new types of ads run in his favor?

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUN.

Thank you, thank you. I know I rule, but please hold your applause until I finish.

The ad was sponsored by a group called the Foundation for a Secure and Prosperous America. It is also available for viewing on their website. It features glowing praise of our soldiers, McCain, and Republican Senator Lindsay Graham. It does the classic political ad “black-and-white unflattering photos with scary music” tactic with Nancy Pelosi and no-name Democratic representative David Obey of Wisconsin, essentially accusing them of hating our troops. All in all, it’s pretty typical campaign stuff. Except that unlike those typical campaign ads you see, the Foundation for a Secure and Prosperous America does not have to disclose who is funding them. They do not have to include a statement of responsibility from the candidates represented. This is because they are taking advantage of that loophole in McCain-Feingold created by FEC v. Wisconsin Right to Life. Yippee!

As the New York Times points out, there’s something fishy going on here.

So, to sum up: McCain’s supporters set up a sham non-profit (a “501(c)4”, for those of you who care about citations) to run ads outside campaign finance laws that he set up and that paint him in his most positive light. Meanwhile, McCain himself gets to deny a connection because those supporters don’t have to disclose any such connection. The ads get to run unfettered.

Now, it’s possible that McCain is actually telling the truth and indeed doesn’t want an ad like this to run in his favor. He could be earnestly pissed off that someone pushing his candidacy would so brazenly flaunt the rules that he would like people to live by. ‘Who are these rapscallions” he must be bellowing, “and how dare they sully my good Christian name?!”

That could be the case. Except for this one juicy little nugget of information:

Well if that don’t just beat all. I’m shocked, I say. Shocked!

See, it turns out that because McCain can’t raise money the normal way, this is the only shot he’s got to stay in the race. The scary thing is that it appears to be working.

McCain’s poll numbers in many early primary states have jumped over the past few weeks, as he’s cut the lead Giuliani once had on him in half. Whereas before that would not have mattered because he would not have been able to outspend other candidates, now he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky campaign laws and his buddies can do the work for him. Everybody wins!

Of course, in the interest of fairness, this is a loophole that will be exploited extensively by both sides. George Soros has already set up organizations to do this for Democratic candidates as well. Personally, I don’t even mind the practice too much (though I think the organizations should have to disclose their donors). However, the irony in the fact that the first shot in the 501(c)4 war was fired across the bow by McCain’s boys is just out-fucking-standing.

But more important than all of that is the inescapably glorious truth: I was right.

Again.

Y’alls owe Subrosa a fiver.

Devoted Ron Paul fans, how many times has this happened to you?

You’re sitting around your high-tech survival bunker that you built in order to ride out the coming race war (also known as “the tin-foil covered basement of your mom’s house”). When you’re not too busy going online to view badly edited YouTube videos about how the Federal Reserve is sapping America’s precious bodily fluids, or spamming online polls and forums to show the sheeple how much support Dr. Paul really has despite the mainstream media only reporting biased polls that show him closer to Duncan Hunter than Rudy Giuliani, or playing World Of Warcraft and musing about how much better our economy would be if it was unfettered by the federal government and instead was run by hot Night Elf chicks, or showing off your “Revolution” shirt down at the local mall, you’re wondering how else you can show the world that you love Ron Paul so, so very much.

Well, up until this week, you could have expressed your Ron Paul love and your dislike of the Federal Reserve at the exact same time by buying “Ron Paul Dollars”.

Those of you who hate freedom and want to fuck our Constitution in the nostrils may be scratching your heads and saying “Ron Paul dollars?! I’m still freaking out about the fact that Richard Nixon’s going to eventually show up on a dollar coin, and now you’re telling me that the U.S. Mint is putting Ron Paul’s face on a dollar? Am I having a stroke?”

Not exactly.

The Ron Paul Dollar was actually created by the folks behind the “alternative currency” known as the Liberty Dollar.

The Liberty Dollar is the brainchild of self-proclaimed “money architect" Bernard von NotHaus, who back in 1998 came up with the idea of creating his own money. Unlike Federal Reserve Notes, von NotHaus’ money would be backed by actual silver and gold, just like the good old days. He then started a website and started selling Liberty Dollars in both coin and paper forms at a rate of $100 in Liberty Dollars for $107 in actual United States money, and offered a discount rate for people willing to pay (in Federal Reserve Notes) to become “Liberty Associates”. He also urged people to start using his new “voluntary private currency” at local merchants, and gave helpful tips on how to convince those merchants to accept Liberty Dollars:

But isn’t that, like, really rather spectacularly illegal?

Well, yes and no. While the U.S. Constitution gives Congress the sole power to “coin Money and regulate the Value thereof”, von NotHaus hedged his bets by never referring to the Liberty Dollars as “coins”. He also attempted to circumnavigate federal counterfeiting law by refusing to say that the Liberty Dollar was “legal tender”.

Of course, he did refer to the Liberty Dollar as “real money” and “currency” on his website, which inspired the U.S. Mint to issue a warning last year that Liberty Dollars were not in fact neither of the above, and that using them as circulating money was a federal crime.

Von NotHaus then sued the U.S. Mint, and started offering to send $20 Liberty Dollars to anyone who donated $20 to cover his legal costs…but only if von NotHaus eventually won the lawsuit.

Then in July of this year, as Ron Paul fever was sweeping the Internet, von NotHaus announced he was issuing special gold, silver and copper Ron Paul Liberty Dollars:

Apparently von NotHaus used the word “honest” once too often, since this week FBI and Secret Service agents followed the scent of irony back to the Liberty Dollar headquarters, located in what I’m sure is quite a lovely strip mall in Evansville, Illinois, and raided it on federal counterfeiting and money laundering charges. The feds also raided the Liberty Dollar production and storage facilities in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho and in addition to seizing the dies used to make the Liberty Dollar coins as well as the gold, silver and platinum that theoretically backed up the value of the paper Liberty Dollars, they seized over two tons of newly-arrived Ron Paul Dollars.

It’s worth pointing out that the Ron Paul campaign isn’t behind the creation of the Ron Paul Dollar. Or as von NotHaus said in his initial press release:

But fear not, faithful Ron Paul supporters! Even though the Ron Paul Dollar may have been stolen from your freedom-loving hands by the evil federales, maybe if you get enough of your fellow Constitution-restoring buddies to sign a petition, Dr. Paul can pay for his campaign ads in Linden Dollars!

With a tip of the tin-foil hat to TinyHobo

Last week the LA Times revealed an awesome plan that would keep America safe from terrorists. The police department was planning on creating a database of all the Muslims living in the Los Angeles area. The LAPD planned on using census data and “other demographic information” to locate Muslim communities and then “reach out” to them. It is being called a “Muslim mapping” program, just for a little extra creepy flair.

Great fucking idea! Maybe after we can start a “Jewish mapping” program. I don’t think anyone would have a problem with that, would they? What? Does that bring up some odd memories or something? Where’s everybody going? Hello?

People were obviously upset, particularly the people who were going to be “mapped.” But they did not stand alone in their outrage.

I actually feel a little weird right now, because I have a colorful Los Angeles Muslim map on my wall. I use it to find falafels. (I get very bummed out when the Muslim community is Indonesian because they do not make falafels.)

Yesterday, after listening to a week of protest, the LAPD decided to kill the mapping plan.

Oh, you mean because the law bars the US Census Bureau from asking people about their religion? Yeah, that might be a bit of a problem. But the LAPD said they will still “reach out” to the Muslim Community.

Hey, thanks for getting around to that. It’s only 2007, no need to go too fast, I guess. Muslim leaders are pleased that they won’t be “mapped” and said they will work with the police – as long as the mapping idea does not return. And I’m sure the police will have tremendous success convincing Los Angeles Muslims that they are there to help after this fiasco.

Good idea. Not that I’m suspicious of the LAPD, they have an awesome history as humanitarians, but they could try to start this up again under another name or secretly. Get all the information you can, ACLU, because it’s creepy.

Right, it was just about finding out where people of a certain religion live, making a map of it and then keeping an eye on those people. Nothing weird about that.

Colorado apparently has its share of lunatics because yesterday the state Supreme Court gave an anti-abortion group the go ahead to try to put a measure on the ballot that would define a fertilized egg as a person. All they need to do is collect 76,000 signatures. Anyone want to bet that there are 76,000 Christian lunatics in Colorado?

This is the kind of election shit that liberals and centrists have to throw money at to defeat, which takes funds away from important races and also draws right wing voters to the polls. It won’t matter if the Christian right doesn’t like Rudy or McCain or Mitt, once they are in the booth, they will vote for one of them over which ever baby killer the Democrats pick.

Super. Hey, you know that one book you read all the time? I don’t really want to live by it. Although, I’m not sure The Bible ever covered fertilized eggs. This is just another attempt to make abortion illegal. These people are creative little fuckers, aren’t they?

Another effect of the legislation would be to create problems for in-vitro fertilization and stem cell research. And some believe it would lead to a ban on birth control. The Christians, of course, disagree. There is nothing behind this effort!

Oh, you’re just laying down a little foundation. That’s totally cool. But, I have a question for you: If a little clump of human cells is a person, then is one of my hairs a person? What about one of my turds? Why not? They both have human cells in them.

Uh huh. Maybe you guys could move somewhere else and start a theocracy.

The nutters have six months to collect the signatures. And they are not just focusing on Colorado. Christian groups are trying leading similar efforts in Montana, Georgia, Oregon, Michigan and South Carolina. The Republicans always need their crazy religious issue. For the 2004 presidential elections it was gay marriage. Now they will try to save microscopic peeps. Expect a massive turnout in Colorado in 2008.

When the Democrats were attempting to take back Congress in 2006, they kept harping about the corrupt Republicans. Democrats claimed they would straighten out Congress and one of their ideas was earmark reform. Earmarks are Congressional provisions that direct funds to specific projects, usually in a lawmaker’s home state or district. During election season, Democrats said they would change things and they would make sure lawmakers wouldn’t benefit from earmarks they were requesting. But then they gained control of Congress and that went out the window.

Same old Congress, no matter who is in charge.

Charlie went a little overboard with his earmarks, by making sure his "Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service," the "Rangel Conference Center," "a well-furnished office for Charles Rangel" and the "Charles Rangel Library" were funded with $2 million in government money. Not all lawmakers engage in the earmark process and some even take issue with earmarks. One Congressman, Republican John Campbell, went after Democrat Charlie Rangel on the House floor yesterday.

Rangel showed the young punk why he has been in office for so long.

Nicely done, you corrupt motherfucker. A snappy come back takes care of the entire issue. I guess you can only be incredibly corrupt when you've been around a while. Oh and by the way, according to City College spokeswoman Mary Lou Edmondson, the idea of Rangel's library and the use of federal funding for it came from…Charlie Rangel. What a fucking asshole.

The earmarks make up more than $1 billion of a bill that was sent to Bush last week for the Departments of Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education. Bush says he will veto it. Good.