No, not Indians from India, the other kind. I’m talking about American Indians. American indigenous peoples or whatever. I don’t know what to call anyone, anymore. I’m writing about the guys who were here first. The ones we white folks had a little genocide thingy with. They are getting uppity again. In this case it is a tribe from Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming.

Oh, shit. Did you guys not see what we did to Iraq? We didn’t even have a good reason, we just made stuff up and turned their country into shit and now you are breaking free? Good luck with that.

Ha! How the hell are you going to make money? Huh?

Lakota leaders went to the State Department on Monday to announce that they were withdrawing from treaties with the US. They also stopped by the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies to tell them what was up. Over the next few months they will travel across the world to meet with foreign countries.

I can think of a few million Americans who would jump on board. We love our free stuff but hate our taxes.

The Lakota are a band of seven tribes that speak three different dialects. There are approximately 100,000 Lakota people living in the five state area.



According to their leaders, America has not been treating them so well.

Okay, we may have made a couple of little violations, like in 1868, when the US government signed a treaty exempting the Black Hills from all white settlement forever. But we didn’t know there was gold in them hills. Four years later, gold was discovered and we charged in with help from guys like General George Armstrong Custer.

We also kind of massacred a bunch of Lakota at Wounded Knee. Not really sure how that fit into the treaty. But massacres were totally en vogue back then. The Lakota are apparently within their legal rights to end their treaty with the US.

In September the United Nations passed a non-binding declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples. The US was, of course, opposed. But it gave the Lakota the juice they needed to make their big move.

Life has not been going great for the Lakota while under US rule. Lakota men currently have the shortest life span expectancies in the world; just 44 years. Teen suicide rates are 150% higher than in the US. Infant mortality is five times higher than the US – and our infant mortality rate is atrocious.

I wish them luck but they have no chance. If there is one mineral or a drop of water on their land we will not let them go. We are the United States of America and they are our victims. End of story.

Mike Huckabee has now taken over the lead in polls for the Republican nomination, which means the deep dig into his past begins. Rudy Giuliani was the first victim of the deep dig and Huckabee is now enjoying an intense sifting through his past. Mitt is just a Mormon, no digging needed.

Huckabee is a deep well of horrible quotes and shady decisions. The only people more scared of Huckabee than Democrats are moderate Republicans, but those fuckers deserve it after years of courting all the religious lunatics in our country. So, sit back and enjoy the past genius quotes from the Republican front-runner.

On AIDS:

Man, that was a great call in 1992. Just think if we hadn’t listened to Mike, we’d all be dead or infected with AIDS. Thanks for creating AIDS Island; we’ll never forget it.

On government and religion:

Hey, I'm not an expert or anything, but it sounds like you said the government sucks and it needs a Jesus enema. I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think that sums it up. Remember when the Taliban made the people of Afghanistan accept Muhammad into their lives? That worked out in an awesome way.

On marriage:

I can’t really argue with that one. When you’re right, you’re right.

In 1998, Huckabee wrote a book called Kids Who Kill: Confronting Our Culture of Violence. It was Mike’s answer to a school shooting in Arkansas. Like any good religious nutjob, Huckabee came to the conclusion that school shootings were the result of our society society falling apart due to abortion, pornography, media violence, out-of-wedlock sex, divorce, drug use and hot man on man loving. He didn’t actually use the term “hot man on man loving,” but that is probably what he hears in his head. Check out some wonderful passages from The Huck's book.

True. All of these things have screwed America over big time, especially the wicked environmentalism movement. God hates people who love trees, especially gay trees that have AIDS and shoot smack.

Which one of these things is not like the other? Molesting kids, beating another person and enjoying it, fucking a dead body and a couple of dudes getting it on. If you guessed #4, you win! Yes, in Mike Huckabee’s Jesus-loving mind, fucking a dead guy is just like fucking a live guy.

Actually, not at all. Do you even know what civil liberty means, Mike? You should learn the definition before you write about it. Just a tip.

Word. This could not be more true. For instance I was educated in public schools and they actually had the nerve to teach me from more than just the one book. It was there that I learned to have sex with men, give abortions, get and give AIDS, molest kids, use drugs and get a divorce. Go Wildcats!

Fair enough. I know a lot of women over the years have earned positions that are equal to or even above men. And that has basically led to women having more money and power, allowing them to live more independent and rewarding lives, which has totally worked against them. Wait, what?

The only God given distinctions I can think of between men and women is the cock and balls and the hole thingy. I think everyone looses when they get muddied. Please don’t do that, especially in the hole thingy.

Mike also threw in some Bible chat to explain what was happening to our society.

I can only imagine that after he put those three gems together in an awesome paragraph, he threw his pencil to the ground and shouted, “Boom. You got the motherfucking Huckabee thunder!” He really makes an awesome point here and he is finally sounding presidential. I personally won’t vote for a guy until he says, “dissipating sensuality.”

But now it seems Mike didn’t use his own child raising techniques from his book because one of his kids murdered a doggy. Yes, the son of a Baptist Minister did something creepy. Isn’t that shocking?

Turns out David Huckabee kind of hung a dog nine years ago when he was at a Boy Scout camp. He did not get the “hang a dog” badge, however. The story is a bit murky, but what we do know is that 17-year-old David Huckabee hung the dog and was kicked out of the Scouts for breaking their “kindness” rule.

When the story broke in the press, Mike explained way his son’s heinous act.

Just like Jesus would have done. Hey, don't we have some people in our country called veterinarians? And some stuff called food? People who kill animals in unusual ways are practicing for their future work as serial killers. They take joy in watching life leave a living creature. Kind of undermines Huckabee’s book a little bit. You know, the one called Kids Who Kill. Or maybe we are mistaken and it is a how to book. Or maybe the publisher dropped are awesome off the title.

Imagine the chill that would go down your spine if you learned your child had hung a dog. I guess it is that kind of chill that would make a good, religious man use his power to make sure no charges were filed.

First Huckabee had both his lawyer and chief of staff put pressure on the director of Arkansas's state police and then fired the director when he wouldn’t write a letter denying a prosecutor’s request to arrest David.

Just like Jesus would have done. Go Huckabee!

Every once is a while a new technology comes along that completely changes our world. One such technology started hitting the market yesterday and it is fucking awesome. It is a solar panel without the panel. This new technology is thin as a paint coating and it coverts sunlight to electricity. Oh, and it’s cheaper than coal. I just got my first sunlight erection.

The company, Nanosolar, has built two plants, one in Germany and the other in Silicon Valley. They already have orders for 18 months of production.

The company is backed by Google, of course, and they received $20 million from the US Department of Energy. The technology has been around for years, but the Silicon Valley based Nanosolar was the company that devised a way to make the manufacturing process affordable. They created printing press like machines to put a layer of solar-absorbing nano-ink onto metal sheets as thin as aluminum foil. Now we live in a world where solar powered buildings will be plentiful, which will reduce pollutants produced by dirty energy sources. Because it is fucking cheaper than coal. I just got another sunlight erection.

The panels will cost about a tenth of what current solar panels cost and several hundred feet per minute can be whipped out. As of now, the plant can create 430 megawatts of solar cells a year, which is more than all the solar plants currently in the US. Cost has always been what held solar back from being a popular energy source. Traditional solar cells use silicon, which is very expensive. It then has to be placed on glass, which makes the panels heavy, dangerous, expensive to ship and install. And 70 percent of the silicon is wasted during manufacturing. The end result is panels that cost $3 per watt, while the new PowerSheets cost $1 per watt.

Looks like the only problem will be keeping up with demand. California has a state initiative that provides tax breaks and rebates to encourage the installation of 100,000 roofs a year for 10 consecutive years.



You know what’s fun about scientists? Nothing. Anytime they are on screen, there is a horrible void. Thankfully, his lack of charisma is crushed by his world changing brain.

On Thursday, former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell released his report on the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. The 409-page report named 86 players and pointed the finger at the owners for knowing what was going on but taking no action.

America, of course, was aghast. And our politicians were there to show their feigned outrage about something that is meaningless.

Oooo, “troubled.” Considering all the shit you’ve done, I would think Derrick Jeter raping your dog wouldn’t trouble you.

Then Henry Waxman, my representative, jumped in and said he would
hold hearings today. Waxman is chairman of the House of Representatives Government Oversight and Reform Committee, so naturally he would get all up in the business of baseball. That is what government oversight and reform is all about.

Yes, and it has nothing to do with you, Mr. Grandstanding Bitch. You know why Congress will be holding hearings on steroids? Because it's an election year. Because the Democrats are implicated in legalizing waterboarding. Because Harry Reid is giving immunity to telecoms and not allowing oversight on FISA. Because they have helped Bush with his illegal wiretapping program. Because they have done nothing about the US attorney scandal. Because they have increased the number of troops in Iraq, rather than reduce. Because they have not held Harriet Miers in contempt. Because they have done absolutely nothing about immigration. Because they have done nothing about Bush cooking intelligence to start the Iraq war. Because New Orleans is still a wreck from Hurricane Katrina. Because we still haven’t restored Habeas Corpus. Because they have done nothing about human beings indefinitely detained without charges. Because they have done nothing to roll back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. Because the national debt is horrifying. Because Bush turned Medicare into a time bomb and they have done nothing to fix it. Because they continue funding abstinence education in the face of all evidence. Because they have done nothing to implement the 911 Commission recommendations. Because they have not looked into the 2004 Ohio voter irregularities. Because Bush is still writing his signing statements on bills without a worry. Because the Vice President still thinks he is a fourth branch of government. Because they have not addressed the net neutrality problem. Because they allow funding for the fake missile defense shield to continue. Because No Child Left Behind continues to destroy our schools. Because the White House still refuses to turn over requested emails. Because they have allowed Bush to repeatedly put lunatics on the bench. Because of the evisceration of the US Commission on Civil Rights. And because, most of all, on a day when the FCC is going to remove the rule that stops media companies from owning a newspaper and a TV station in the same town, Henry Waxman plans on stealing the spotlight with a bullshit hearing on steroids.

The list of failures for this Democratic Congress is huge. But here is one they cannot fail on because, my gosh, it is baseball we are talking about. It is the most pure sport in the land and we can’t allow big league players to do steroids because it will influence our kids. Then our precious children will take steroids and become huge, hulking children.

Never mind that the majority of kids are now on pharmaceutical drugs to calm them down. Never mind that alcohol is the #1 advertisement during baseball games. Never mind that their parents take drugs to go to sleep, to get through the day and to get an erection. We now have drugs that are so very "bad." And baseball players are the reason. Not football players, not hockey players, not basketball players, not boxers. Nope, it is the baseball players because that sport is so pure. It always has been.

Sure, Babe Ruth, that hero of heroes, was an incredible drunk and liked to do a bit of coke, but come on, that never hurt anyone. And Mickey Mantle. The Mick! So full of booze that the amount he ingested could have killed a donkey on any given day. Don’t pay attention to the fact that a baseball team is named the Brewers. And how about the Big Red Machine, hopped up on amphetamines? Shit, how about the majority of players taking amphetamines since 1940? How about the fact that the drug was introduced to baseball by WWII soldiers who took it overseas and gave it to their teammates when they returned to MLB? How about that the teams supplied it to the players? Congress jumped in and put a stop to all that nonsense for the kids, didn't they? Bullshit.

Yes, we need to get Waxman on this, now. Because today the FCC will allow TV stations to own a newspaper in the same town and Waxman thinks a steroid hearing should steal the headlines. But we know what is really important: Steroids. Because if we don't take care of that, the kids might start to get the wrong idea about how to live life. Then they might take steroids, which won't mix with with their Ritalin and Lexapro and their Zoloft and Desyrel and Lamictal and their Focalin XR and Depakote and Risperdal and their Catapres. Then they’d be totally fucked up.

It’s important to have priorities and I’d like to thank Congress.

For more than 30 years, publishing companies have been buying up local newspapers. The result is homogenized, shitty news that serves corporate interests and rarely asks questions of the idiots who run our federal government. Tomorrow, the FCC will make the situation a lot worse when they remove the rule that bars companies from buying radio and TV stations in the same town. Hopefully we can get the media down to just one source and rename the country Murdochistan.

Who is Martin? Well, he is Republican. Shall I go on, or is that enough? Okay, Kevin Martin is also a member of the Bush cult.

Most people expected this battle to be fought next year, after public hearings and debate. But those people forgot that the Bush administration is about destroying democracy, not participating in it. Two other Democrat FCC commissioners called for “long-pending reviews” to make sure that the media serves local communities and encourages ownership by women and minorities. The Republicans, however, want white guys to be richer and the population to be dumber and they want it to happen now.

Martin announced in October that he wanted to put these new rules in place and scheduled a couple of public hearings at the last minute. He gave the public a generous seven days notice. The hearings did not go well, especially the nine and ½ hour meeting in Seattle.



Take a moment to soak in how stereotypical Martin looks. Where the fuck do they find these angry, pasty white, little creeps? I’m starting to think they peel off of Karl Rove’s body, slither away to do their own damage to the country and will later return to the mother Rove, with which they will merge in time for The Rapture.

As far as the video, I can’t really disagree with the guy who said this:

Or the Republican who said this:

Martin has presented three bullshit reasons why his new media rules must go through: Newspapers are in trouble financially, the rules would only affect 20 large markets and that the rules would ensure “competition, localism and diversity.”

The last one is obviously from the Karl Rove handbook called, “Say the exact opposite of what is true.” Also, newspapers average profit margin was 17% and a loophole could allow these rules to affect every market. So, Martin is a liar as well as an awful human being.

Adding to the deceit is Martin’s cooking of reports. Martin selects reports that favor his position and ignores those that differ, much like Bush did in the lead up to Iraq. How did that turn out? Martin even took an outside firms’ report as the truth over the FCC’s own internal report. He also neglected to inform his fellow Democratic FCC commissioners of his proposals until the very last minutes, tying thier hands.

Congress appears against this action, both Republicans and Democrats. They should punish Mr. Martin severely and it is easy to do. Pass a bill that prohibits any FCC commissioner from going to work for any media company for 10 years after leaving the FCC, because this fucker is a self serving douchebag who plans on getting rich after he puts these rules in place.

Our media is a joke, a national embarrassment. Feel free to call your Senator and House Representative to voice your displeasure. This is a very, very big deal.

A couple of days ago I wrote an amazing article about Nancy Pelosi being unworthy of her position as Speaker of the House. Today I will address why Harry Reid is an incompetent, spineless piece of shit who is unworthy of his position as Senate Majority Leader. Grow some balls Dems and kick spineless grandpa to the curb.

On Monday, the Nevada moron will bring a new FISA bill to the floor of the Senate that will help the Bush administration get the telecom industry immunity and surveillance oversight protections. At the same time he will be taking an action that he assured concerned Democrats that he would not take. Nice work, liar.

Harry could have brought two bills to the floor. One did not give the telecom companies a free pass for illegally spying on Americans. The other, written by Jay “I got millions from the telecoms” Rockefeller (horrible nickname) and Dick Cheney (horrible monster), gives the companies immunity from civil lawsuits for committing CRIMES.

Reid has pulled a fast one by making the Senate Intelligence Committee bill the "base bill." That means to remove amnesty and increase oversight would require 60 votes, which is impossible. Reid has been telling people for weeks that he would not bring the bill to the floor as a “base bill.” Every Democratic presidential candidate and 14 Senators have demanded that the other bill be the base bill. He is a fucking liar and no better than the Bush administration for pulling such a move.

But that is not even the most disgusting aspect of this move. Reid is screwing over Chris Dodd, who put a hold on the amnesty bill. He is refusing to honor that hold. Understand that Reid honors holds for Republicans constantly, like the Emmit Till Bill, which would authorize $10-million annually over 10 years to rejuvenate prosecutions of pre-1970 civil rights murders.

Now, that bill is not important enough to override a hold. But giving the telecoms immunity from their crimes is very important.

Dodd was forced to fly back to DC on Friday to filibuster. You may be wondering why, because I just wrote that the vote would take place on Monday. Well, Harry the devious made sure the filibuster would take place over the weekend with slimy schedule maneuvers. So, Dodd will filibuster in front of an empty chamber, when reporters are gone and other Senators are enjoying their weekend. Then when the Senate returns on Monday, Harry will push for a cloture vote. This is absolutely disgusting behavior from a Democratic leader.

Understand this Democrats: Your leadership is doing everything it can to give Bush and Cheney the FISA bill they want. It gives the telecoms total immunity for criminal acts and limits oversight on an illegal program. The Democrats are putting their energy into making sure their opponents win and The Constitution is used like toilet paper.

And for those tools out there, who think this is about keeping America safer, you are shockingly naïve.

Wow, what a surprise. The Bush administration was abusing their already abusive system. How completely in character of them.

Early 2001. When was 9/11 again? Why should I believe this program was not used against political opponents? Why should companies who aided this blatantly illegal program be spared from lawsuits? But most importantly, why the fuck is the Democratic Senate Majority Leader giving aid to people who have undermined The Constitution?

What is it about November 2006 that you did not understand, Harry? The American people quite simply handed the Democrats a stunning victory so they would curb the abuses by Bush and company. You have taken that mandate and turned it into a pile of shame. Please explain to me how those on the opposite side of the aisle would be doing this in any way differently. They would not. You are a coward and possibly the most useless Majority Leader I have ever seen. Your hideous acts demoralize your base and drive people from your party. In essence, Harry, you are the Democratic Karl Rove. You and your kind are why I am not and never will be a Democrat. Although, there is a guy who would make a great Senate Majority Leader. He's the guy who is filibustering this bill: Chris Dodd. You can send Chris Dodd a bit of support here.

And feel free to call or email your Senator Democrats and let them know where you stand on the Majority Leader’s actions.

Asshole Fuckfaces are everywhere on our sweet, sweet Earth. They take many forms and shapes. Some come in human form, others just a cloud of heinous odor. Each week I search the news for Asshole Fuckfaces to bring to your attention, so that you may scream in horror and fall to your knees in fear. It is not an easy task, just last week I shed a tear. I know, but it was horrible. I am not impervious. This week I have a strange and disturbing list of the most horrible people in the world, so put on your leather ponchos, this is going to be sickening.

It seems like every week I get to point out an Asshole Fuckface who is
screwing over our veterans and sadly, this week is no different.

There should be a special place in hell reserved for those who take advantage of wounded soldiers and it should include daily waterboarding and gourd shaped butt plugs.

How much of an Asshole Fuckface do you have to be to ask for donation for wounded soldiers and then use it for your own desires? Eight charities gave less than a third of the money they raised, which is way below the standard. And some were even further below a third, by which I mean 1%. Yes, one fucking percent of donations.

Whoa, don’t go overboard with that penny, asshole. And thank God there are no laws regulating the money charities spend on overhead, because regulation just leads to a lack of efficiency. Lack of oversight allows charities like Help Hospitalized Veterans to pull this kind of shit.

Die. Now. Thanks.

Some of the bigger veterans charities made the shit list, like Military Order of the Purple Heart Service Foundation, the AMVETS National Service Foundation and the Freedom Alliance.

The saddest part about his kind of Asshole Fuckface activity is that it may lead to lower contributions for veterans. If you want to give money, try the
Fisher House Foundation.

Next up, we head to South Korea, a place where Asshole Fuckfaces are doing weird things to cats.

Cats are the greatest creatures on Earth. (Sorry, Otters.) Any Asshole Fuckface who alters them should be punished. Everyone knows South Korea is batshit crazy for cloning and that it will certainly be ground zero for the clone wars in 2017. You know they are out of line when they start creating glow in the dark cats.

Uh, what? Glow in the dark animals is nature’s way of saying, “STOP.” So far the Asshole Fuckfaces have created three glow in the dark Turkish Angoras. The fluorescence protein genes were altered and now the human race is in great danger. And for the first time in history, fraternities are going to want a house cat and that ain’t good.

What do you mean, “said” in a statement. It should read, “screamed” in a statement. Like this:

Didn’t you people make the movie The Host? Why don’t you pop that in the DVD player before you Asshole Fuckfaces whip up another round of animal manipulation?

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who doesn’t know when to shut up.

Meet Sandra Tucker. She’s a 61-year-old former councilwoman from Dacono, Colorado. The reason she is a former councilwoman instead of a councilwoman is because she has a hilarious Hitler sort of sense of humor.

Last week she posted a joke on a local website that was a bit racist and a bit anti-Semitic and a bit homophobic.

The “joke” is about a guy who wakes up only to discover he is in a wheel chair, is a “negro,” is a “Jew queer,” is an HIV positive drug addict, has a “Mexican boyfriend” and only has one arm. The dude is obviously bummed, but that is not the bad part. Enter the “punchline.”

Ha, ha, ha. Oh man, I just laughed so hard that my ass came out of my face. Seriously, good stuff, Sandra.

Several people in the town were offended because they are human. The Mayor asked Sandra to take down the post but she would not. So, he was forced to call the website owner to have it removed. Way to go, Sandra. Pick your battles, sister.

Maybe I should rethink this because Sandra says she understands discrimination.

Nope. I’m not going to rethink it. Actually, I would like someone to set you on fire. Sandra resigned from the city council on Thursday because she “probably” can’t do her job anymore and because she is a huge Asshole Fuckface

Our next two winners violated Asshole Fuckface rule #37: Anyone who cuts off a magic leg will always and forever be an Asshole Fuckface.

Look, everyone knows how magic legs work. If they are removed from the individual who grew the leg, then they are rendered useless. Also, if removed a magic leg can easily turn into an evil leg, at which point it is every man and leg for himself or herself. Magic legs turned evil can only be stopped by a shoe goblin or a sock midget. Those are the facts.

Sadly, greedy men still try to steal magic legs. An 80-year-old magic leg owner was separated from his leg this week in Chittoor district, a remote area of India.

Okay, how drunk do you have to be to not notice someone is cutting off your leg with a SICKLE? I have been mighty wasted in my time, but I do not think I would have ever slept through a dude whacking away at my leg with a hook-shaped blade. Maybe I just don’t know how to party.

Thankfully, legless dude was found by villagers and taken to the hospital. The leg is a gonner, though. Up until the point when it was hacked off, it could cure people of illness and grant wishes. That is a fucking awesome magic leg. Or was.

Authorities are still seeking out the “miscreants” who stole the leg. Anyone with information on these Asshole Fuckfaces can call 1-800-Leggone.

Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckface winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper left shoe from my FearTheReaper comfortable shoe wear collection.

**TheCoolerKing is an Asshole Fuckface for stealing my story.

Ah, the dirty illegal immigrant. They are responsible for all of the horrible problems facing our nation today and will soon become the Republicans talking point for the ’08 elections. Never mind that the issue usually polls fifth or lower on American’s most important issues, they are brown and most importantly, they can’t defend themselves. The perfect target. What illegal immigrant will be appearing on "Larry King Live" or "20/20" to make their case? Turns out, none. Unfortunately, these pesky things called facts keep getting in the way of the immigrant hating kids arguments. The biggest fallacy is that illegal immigrants are the biggest problem facing our health care system.

Well, that is a load of bullshit. Just take a look at this UCLA study released last month.

But…but…they are brown and bad. Turns out illegal immigrants don’t like to go to hospitals or doctors because…they are illegal immigrants. Seems they don’t being asked for ID cards, Social Security numbers and their employment history. How any retard could not have figured that out is beyond me. They live in fear, the last place they want to go is to a hospital and answer questions.

Last year RAND also published a study that indicated illegal immigrants are not as costly as everyone seems to think they are.

That’s about 11 bucks per household. Now, how much money do you think you save from their cheap labor?

Another 2005 study came to the same conclusion.

Another reason we don’t spend very much on illegal immigrants is because we only give them bare minimum care. Due to 1986 Medicaid reforms, illegal immigrants can only receive emergency care that is” necessary to stabilize a patient.” After that, they have to pay. So, basically, we pick up the tab for care that keeps them alive and nothing else.

Oh, and illegal immigrants also pay taxes. What? Yeah, you heard me, you unread donkey. They pay taxes. According to a new Congressional Budget Office report on health care and immigration, illegal immigrants also get hit by the tax man.

They also kick some serious pesos into Social Security and Medicare – and they won’t see a fucking dime of that money.

16.3 percent of Americans are taking a pass on paying taxes. I wonder how many of them complain about illegal immigrants?

You’re going to hear a lot from the Republicans about how horrible illegal immigrants are over the next few months. They are the new gay marriage. They are going to be portrayed as evil, little, welfare queens who are overwhelming our system. But as far as medical care goes, know they are pretty full of shit.

Take a look at who is really skyrocketing the cost of our health care:

Yeah, 47 million Americans is a tad bit more than 10 million illegal immigrants, especially when you factor in the above study claiming illegal immigrants are 50% less likely to seek out care. So, shut your fucking clown holes and fix the real problem first. Then you get to go after the smaller problems.

Seriously, they need to just get it over with. And while they are at it, I highly recommend a “Satan Is Very Bad” vote, a “Buddha Was A Bitch Vote” and a “Mormons Aren’t Real” vote. Now that the House of Representatives has officially passed the “Recognizing The Importance of Christmas and The Christian Faith” bill, let's get this fucker rolling. Those crazy kids who wrote The Constitution would have been soooooo impressed.

On Tuesday night our representatives in Congress passed this retarded motion by a vote of 372 to 9, because who the fuck would vote against Christmas? What dirty whore hates Santa and Jesus? Turns out nine dirty whores. Ten hateful bastards voted “present” and 40 demonic Satan lovers did not vote at all. And you know what that means: Not voting for Christmas is like pissing on the baby Jesus. Enjoy hell, fuckers!

The bill was created by religious nutter Steve King, of Iowa. Time to start the countdown to King getting caught with a cock in his mouth in a rest stop bathroom. To add to the insanely ridiculousness of the bill, King created it as some sort of religious revenge.

So, take that, Diwali and Ramadan, you stupid assdays. Now you know not to fuck with Jesus and his holidays on his turf, bitch. And never mind that Christian nuts already passed an “I Want To Have Sweet, Sweet Anal With Christmas” bill back in 2005. 22 lawmakers voted for that one. Wow, that means with more Democrats in Congress we are actually going backwards.

But the enormous vote margin did not stop King from being upset that some sinners voted "present" or "no." (I would have voted "presents," then everyone would have laughed. Then I would have urinated on King. I would make a terrible Representative.)



"An assault on Christianity?" Fuck you, you creepy, little, God freak. Aside from my comment in the next paragraph, I see no evidence at all. Punk.

Look, babytown, no one is trying to eradicate Christ from Christmas. It’s kind of in the name. And we are not a Christian nation. And if you want to celebrate Christmas for the right reasons, go have sex with a woman, get her pregnant and tell her to say God fucked her. Seems like the best way to give a nod to the J-man.

Thanks for getting to the important shit we Americans care about. You use your time wisely. It was also nice of Fox to name every “liberal Democrat” who voted "no." King wanted to know why these nine hippies voted "no," but voted "yes" on the Ramadan and Diwali resolutions. Alcee Hastings, a devil from Florida had an answer.

Wow, that didn’t take long to crush his bullshit argument.

It must be really hard being a total asshole. Seems like a lot of work with all the lying and being an all around dick. Take Eugene Evans. He’s a retired high school teacher and has been a Sea Scout leader for 35 years. Apparently the Sea Scouts are like the Boy Scouts, but they hang out on the ocean in an attempt to make the whole thing gayer.

In 1998, Eugene sued the City of Berkeley because the city had challenged the Boy Scout’s ban on gay members.

The case went all the way to the Supreme Court and Eugene lost. Only gay Sea Scout boats will be allowed to dock rent-free in Berkeley. (At least that is how I read it.) Evans was obviously crushed. No longer would the SSS Farallon be allowed to drop anchor in Berkeley.

But he was apparently still able to fuck boys on his boat.

As a parent, I would imagine this is when you start to freak out a bit. If you had a boy who was or is a Sea Scout and spends a lot of time alone with Evans, you would be scared shitless about your child and hope the kids he molested get the help they need. The best thing to do is to take a step back, assess the situation, and let the court do its thing, right?

Wow, almost more creepy that the molestation charges. And that has to make those molested kids feel AWESOME. So, basically what everyone here is saying is that four boys made up the stuff about Evans fucking them. His supporters already know he is innocent, which is great. I expect them all to let Eugene baby sit, to pick up some extra dough now that he is out of a job. He's clearly not odd.

Right, just another 64-year-old bachelor who captains a Sea Scout ship. No fucking way a guy like that molests a kid.

Well, the strike is now rolling into its sixth week and the Asshole Fuckfaces are just piling up and staring at me with doughy eyes, hoping for the nod. Most of the honors will go to the studios, because they are truly being Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Plus, it was our Lord Jesus Christ who first said, “Man, the studios are such Asshole Fuckfaces.” Eleven dudes nodded. One DID NOT!

A little over a week ago, the studios revealed their stunning new plan for our business. It was exciting and fresh! They dropped it on the table late on a Thursday and immediately sent out press releases, in which they basically blew themselves for being so awesome. The proposal was called the “New Economic Partnership.” It offered writers a whole $250 a year for streaming Internet use of television programs. It was an awesome deal.



Oh, also, if they label the program as “promotional” then they can air it in its entirety and not pay the writer a dime. And that $250 was for an hour program. A half hour program is worth $139 a year! Weeeeee!

When the studios dropped the proposal on the WGA, they said it was only half finished and the other half would come after a long weekend – on Tuesday. It would cover Internet downloads! The studios then picked up their phones and told the press that the WGA had walked away from the table until Tuesday after they made an offer worth $130 million dollars. Wha? But you…second half…long weekend...$250 dollars…I don’t…

Tuesday rolled around and the studios did not present their other half of the deal. Then Wednesday and still no second half, but they promised to stay in the hotel and work through the night to have it done in the morning.

Members of the WGA then went down to the parking lot and staked out the studio negotiators cars. Rather than staying all night, they jumped into their cars and were all gone by 6:45 pm. Huh.

Thursday, no second half of the proposal. On Friday, the WGA decided to go ahead and start negotiating other demands they had been making for years. Literally, years. The studios were so offended that the WGA had brought up proposals they had been talking about for years that they walked away from the table. The studios immediately posted an amazingly well crafted press release on their website. What was really amazing about it was that it appeared to have taken quite a bit of time to write and yet it posted literally three minutes after they were horribly offended.

The poor bastards are running the show, with all the money and holding all the cards. Did someone ask the guys with everything for something? Must have been devastating.

The post then went on to list lie after lie. One gem was this one:

Really? There is a writer named Micah Wright, who a couple of years ago attempted to organize Nickelodeon into a Guild channel. Micah is now blackballed from writing animation ever again, as are many of the other writers who were involved. The shows they were writing on were immediately cancelled. I guess that is considered “choosing” not to join the WGA. I mean, what writer would want pension, health coverage and residuals when they can enjoy life without pension, health coverage and residuals?

The studios end their nonsense post with this gem:

“Come back to the table?” Uh, you just left table in a huff, like a high school teenage girl who had just been told she couldn’t get a tattoo. In truth, the studios gave the WGA an ultimatum. Drop six important demands or they would no longer talk to us. Hey, we dropped nine out of our 25 important demands to get them to the table in the first place. If we drop six more, then we are down to 15 out of 25. Then they say something like, “Drop eight more” and on and on we go. I have another solution: How about the six media moguls gently take my cock into their mouths, one by one for a minute each, rotating until I shoot my load. Sound good? (I promise to shoot it in Peter Chernin’s eye.) Because my deal is about as reasonable.

When we first met the studios at the table, they made this demand:

Wanting to get talks started, the WGA leaders took DVDs off the table. The studios responded by doing NOTHING. And now they have given us an ultimatum to take these six demands off the table:

Oh, so just everything we are striking over. Great. Then we can negotiate about nothing. I‘m very excited!

Another couple of Asshole Fuckfaces in this mess are a couple of guys who apparently call themselves“ The Masters of Disaster." And they do so without thinking they are retarded.

The Masters of Disaster are Mark Fabiani and Chris Lehane. They
are PR guys who have worked with Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore. They even worked for the Screen Actors Guild, which paid them $10,000 a month to craft a message to help SAG in their fight against… their new employer, the AMPTP.

The studios hired Fabiani & Lehane, at a crisis fee of around $100,000 a month, to battle the WGA members driven PR machine. They did so early in the week, which was another telling sign that they had no intention of making a deal. You don’t need “crisis PR” when you are doing the right thing. You hire “crisis PR” when you are going to walk out of talks and blame the other side for ruining Christmas. So, Lehane and Fabiani, longtime Democratic PR guys, have decided to switch sides and do some union busting. I guess they have come a long way since 2002.

Their first move was apparently coming up with the name, “New Economic Partnership,” which screams, “I work for politicians and am stuck in the recent past.”

Feel free to call or email Hillary Clinton and ask her why she is in business with Asshole Fuckfaces like Lehane and Fabiani. (I would call them union busters in the message.) Or if you are in California, you can email the Democratic group Californians for Fair Election Reform and ask them why they are working with union busters.

Californians for Fair Election Reform

Hillary Clinton (213) 908-0190 or socalhrc@hillaryclinton.com

My favorite Asshole Fuckface of the week is by far the head of the IATSE.

Meet Tommy Short, a grown man who calls himself Tommy without feeling any shame. He is the head of International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, a union he took over through mob connections and with his daddy’s help. He consistently fucks over his own members and aids the studios every chance he gets.

Last year he totally fucked over the Camera Operators in his union with a new contract and then took the moment to make new friends.

Hell yeah, we want a union with shitty pension and health and members who do the same job but are paid wildly different amounts. But none of his actions are surprising because the IA used to be run by Al Capone and Tommy is just keeping the tradition going.

Tommy has enjoyed doing business in interesting places, according to one former union board member.

Tommy does not mind using his fists.

He is an awesome family man.

Tommy was gifted the presidency of IATSE in 1994 when the union’s general election board selected him four days after the death of the previous president. Interesting thing about IATSE, once you are on a board or are the president, you never lose an election. Never.

So, what does Tommy have to do with the current situation? Well, he can’t keep his little anger hole shut. On Friday, Short teamed up with his studios buddies and sent out a press release at the EXACT MOMENT the studios walked away from the table. Turns out Tommy also was offended and jotted down a press release in one minute.

In the press release, Tommy called the WGA leaders “a huge clown car that’s only missing the hats and horns.” He went on to call the WGA irresponsible and then ranted about the guild trying to steal his members. He neglects to mention that he destroyed a WGA attempt to unionize America’s Top Model, by making a deal with the studios and swooping in at the last minute. Now those lucky “story editors” don’t have health insurance. He also doesn’t mention that animators hate his union and desperately want the WGA to cover them, because they like health insurance and pension.

Tommy Short attacks other unions because they fight for their members and he wants to distract from his total lack of concern for his members. Tommy Short is a studio bitch. Anytime you hear a word out of the IA, know it is coming from the mouth of an enormous Asshole Fuckface who put a cigar out on his kid’s head, beat his wife, was not elected to his position, is a drunk and was arrested for stealing money from the union.

And finally, I was walking the picket line the other day with a writer for "The Simpsons." I have known a few guys who have written for the show over the years, but I never knew that the show has never turned a profit. Yeah, you read that correctly. According to Fox, "The Simpsons" has never turned a profit. Fox has kept a show on the air that has been losing money for 18 years. Pretty generous of them, isn’t it? The reason the show has never made a profit is because if it did, they would have to pay people, like writers, money.

That is why the studio is so upset about those six demands. Check out number six:

A third party would really fuck up the Asshole Fuckfaces accounting practices. One thing writers can be thankful for, is the AMPTP's continual lack of understanding of the Internet. Turns out when the AMPTP set up their website, they bought the domain AMPTP.org. But they forgot to buy AMPTP.com. So a writer grabbed it and made them look like fucking fools.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup’s winners! You will receive nothing. And I want a cut.

Get Nancy Pelosi the fuck out of her leadership role as Speaker of the House. The woman is supposed to be battling George Bush on basic issues like torture, but she is totally complicit in the administration’s activities. She has known about them for a long, long time and to take any action would force her to reveal her acceptance of the administration's bullshit.

Oh, good. She should really get to the bottom of the situation then. I mean, why wouldn't she want to expose the fact that she knew about illegal activities in 2002?

That was the year Nancy, Rep. Jane Harman, Sen. Bob Graham, Sen. John Rockefeller IV, Rep. Porter Goss and Sen. Pat Roberts were told all about the CIA program to “wring vial information” out of suspects who didn’t want to give it up. They were given a virtual tour of detention sites and interrogation techniques. And Nancy said nothing. Being one of only a few Democrats who actually knew about the practice, one might come to the conclusion that she has no place being the leader of the House of Representatives because she is compromised on an act that was illegal under the Geneva Conventions.

I’m not going to say that the Democrats asked the CIA to push harder. Goss eventually was put in charge of the CIA, so you can be pretty sure he was one of the two who wanted the prisoners to get staple enemas.

Only one Democrat objected to the torture: Jane Harmon, who was at that point the second ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee. Harmon sent a classified letter to the CIA to officially protest the program. She was not allowed to publicly discuss the program.

Harmon’s actions now shed light on a strange move by Nancy Pelosi when she took over as Speaker. Harmon was supposed to be picked to lead the House Intelligence Committee, but Pelosi gave the job to someone else. Considering Harmon was the only one who sent a letter to the CIA objecting, it is an interesting move by Pelosi.

This is not the first time Pelosi’s judgment has been questioned. When the New York Times exposed the administration’s illegal wiretapping programs, Alberto Gonzales let this little gem slip.

Hmm. “Certain members of Congress.” Considering Pelosi’s leadership role, it would be very surprising if she was not one of those who informed. She was part of the “Gang of Four.”

These circumstances make a good case for removing Pelosi from her leadership role. If she is unwilling to go after the administration because she does not want to expose her own complicity, then it is a major problem. With what is going on now, the person in charge needs to be clean on the issues.

- Nancy Pelosi

Finally, the government is privitizing domestic spying. I feel so safe now. When I think of America, I usually envision large companies sifting through all of my information, my home and hopefully, my unmentionables. Thankfully, this dream is coming true. Up until this point, information from domestic spy satellites was only used by scientific agencies. After 9/11, the NSA was given powers that allowed it to monitor domestic communications without getting those pesky warrants. And now the Bush administration is blowing it out!

Sweet. Monitor the shit out of us. We used to have this stupid law that confined intelligence collection to foreign countries and battlefields. Not anymore. And let's make sure private companies are a huge part of it, because they never do anything wrong and have continually shown throughout history that they can be trusted.

Mmmmm, safety. Nothing makes me feel safer than knowing BAE Systems has my back. Also my front. And my unmentionables.

Last month all the private domestic spy companies went to the intelligence conference in San Antonio and lobbied intelligence officials, in a giant, disgusting, display of everything that is wrong with our country. But, hey, those companies are the ones who told the government that we needed to expand our domestic spying, so bravo.

A study group was put together by a couple of government agencies and they thought it would be a great idea to use former intelligence officers. Many of them just happened to be employed by private intelligence companies, like Booz Allen. Guess what crazy conclusion they came up with?

Word. We think you should give us money to do stuff. Lots of stuff. Oh, did I mention we’re going to need lots of money? To do that stuff we said should be done? Thanks for asking. Hey, you know that thing I said we should be doing with that satellite? Turns out I can totally do that. And it will only cost millions of dollars. How weird is it that I am the guy who is able to do what I said needed to be done? For money?

The domestic spying contracts are worth billions of dollars and this is a brand new business. The new plan was revealed in August and caught some people off guard. Bennie G. Thompson, a Democratic member of Congress from Mississippi and the chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee was surprised when he read about it in the Wall Street Journal.

Well, that is probably because most Americans don’t want to be spied on. Duh. Actually, maybe I’m just being an alarmist and blowing this all out of proportion.

Oh.

So far the NAO has been delayed. It was supposed to kick off on October 1st, but annoying Congress members and civil rights hippies have been making noise. Of course, later we will learn that the Bush administration did not delay the program. And then when we try to investigate, we won’t be able to because all the information is “classified.” This entire program will always be classified, which is awesome, because it is watching us.

- George W. Bush, September 12, 2001.

Not many people know where the Roundup began. It occurred in Ireland, way back in 1649. The British were conquering Ireland when Commander Oliver Cromwell came across the stubborn town of Wexford. After 10 days, Cromwell’s troops entered the city walls and went on a murder frenzy. They killed 300 women gathered around a cross, they murdered priests and shot others civilians as they attempted to flee by swimming across the River Slaney. In all 1,500 civilians were massacred. They then burned Wexford. As the smoke drifted over to Cromwell, he said, “Smell that? Smells like Asshole Fuckfacery.” He had a little shit eating grin on his face, too. True story. Ever since that day, my family has been cursed with the job of bringing Asshole Fuckfaces forth to the populace each week. I scour the news in search of the worst of the worst and put them on the page for you to read and shake your righteous heads. So, put on your thickest overalls because this is going to be messy.

Why not start with a religious Asshole Fuckface?

Nathaniel Abraham hired at – hold up. I was about to get into the story, but if your name is Nathaniel Abraham you are bringing a shitload of religious crazy into any room. You think he is okay with people calling him Nate? The magic eight ball says, “Fuck No.”

Anyway, Nate was hired at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution in March of 2004 after receiving a master's degree in biology and a philosophy doctorate from St. John's University. He was brought in to aid in the research of how chemicals affect the mechanisms of fish from a comparative/evolutionary perspective. Then in October, Nate let it slip that he did not believe in evolution.

Golly, you think your boss was angry because you were being paid to work on something you don’t believe him? Nate told his boss that he "was willing to discuss evolution as a theory." Oh, how kind of you, guy working in a place where evolution is being studied. How about if we are also willing to discuss the effect of a neck punch on religious nutjobs?

Nate was fired in November. Turns out his boss thought believing in evolution was sort of central to study evolution. Nate then took his case to the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.

No shit. So, now Nate is suing. In a court. Right here in the US. But he is not suing because he is an Asshole Fuckface, but rather for religious discrimination. He would like $500,000. In the meantime, he is working at Liberty University, which was founded by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.

This is exactly why God invented the neck punch.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckfaces in the Bush administration for not making
oversight a part of their little war.

Tons of stuff is missing in Iraq.

Oh, that’s good. I mean, what could possibly go wrong there? It’s not like we have thousands upon thousands of soldiers in Iraq, who actually don’t want to die. What could go wrong with losing $1 billion worth of weapons and stuff?

The Inspector General only found an audit trail for $83 million out of $643 million in equipment contracts. The military does not know where 12,712 out of 13,508 weapons went. Those weapons include pistols, assault rifles, rocket propelled grenade launchers and machine guns. All of those things kill people. We have soldiers there and, again, I cannot emphasize this enough: They don't want to die. Letting the enemy get their hands on weapons does not help them with the living thing.

One Asshole Fuckfaces named Claude Bolton, has resigned from his post as assistant secretary for acquisition, logistics and technology. Now, if we could just put him in prison.

How about some video Asshole Fuckfacery?



Holy. Fucking. Shit. At least Bush was subtle and tried to show his God shit with a wink and a smile. This Asshole Fuckfacery is way over the top. Does my vote count as much as God's vote? I don't think that is covered in The Constitution thingy.

Last but not least, we end up will some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who knew CNN would pass Fox on the AFR? Not me. But this week they have done exactly that. Poor CNN was forced to “postpone” a “speculative documentary” called “We Were Warned – Iran Goes Nuclear.” By the way, there is no such thing as a “speculative documentary.” It is called fiction, also known as a mockumentary. CNN was going to do their own version of "The Office," but it was going to be a drama.

Oooo, scary. And don't forget, if you kids help create another war, your ratings go up and you make money!

So, why was CNN forced to “postpone” the documentary? Turns out Iran discontinued its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Fucking jerks. Doesn’t Iran know a NEWS NETWORK was creating fake news? Sorry, it’s not fake news, it’s a “speculative documentary.”

By “a different set of rules and a different set of conditions,” he means reality. Maybe CNN could have spent the money they were tossing at creating fiction and used to track down NEWS.

But, don’t worry. You will get to see the documentary at some point, because it has only been “postponed.” Hey, CNN, you should do a documentary about a president ignoring intelligence and lying to the American people in hopes of starting a war. Man, that’s a good plot.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a young boy with the words “Asshole Fuckface” shaved into his hair.

FearTheReaper was unable to post this story at 9 am due to access problems yesterday. Just be thankful you got it at all.

Remember Travelgate? How cute was that scandal? It started in May of 1993 when seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired after the FBI started poking around. The Clinton administration said they were fired because of “financial improprieties.” Then the right wing went fucking batshit crazy and claimed the Clintons had brought in the FBI as part of some crazy plot to get rid of the employees and replace them with their friends.

Then everybody but the White House janitorial department investigated. The FBI jumped in, and so did the Justice Department, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee and the Whitewater Independent Counsel. Kenneth Star exonerated Bill Clinton and an Independent Counsel concluded Hillary had made false statements, but nothing that warranted prosecution. It was a big old pile of nothing that cost taxpayers millions.

Now, that was just the firing of seven people – who worked in a God damn travel office. Now consider that the Bush administration looks mighty suspect for firing US Attorneys who did not aggressively prosecute Democrats or were prosecuting Republicans and the difference in the way the administrations have been treated is quite startling. Where’s the independent counsel? Where are the millions of dollars to follow those serious accusations up? No?

What about the fact that the White House appears to have blatantly broken the law by deleting 10 million emails?

Now let us close our eyes and imagine what would have happened to a Clinton White House if it had deleted 10 million emails. It’s a bit different, isn’t it? Imagine if those emails that were deleted occurred during a time when Bill Clinton took us to war, outed a CIA agent and fired a bunch of US Attorneys. Seems Bill might have actually been executed.

And forget about those possible violations of the law they could have been hiding, just deleting the emails is completely illegal.

Little media coverage? You don’t say? You mean the media doesn’t cover the Bush administration with the same rabid dog mentality that they treated the Clinton administration? Wow. You mean when CREW issued a report two days ago detailing how the number of deleted emails could actually be 10 million and no major media organization picked it up, that wasn’t the same way Clinton would have been treated? Shocking.

At least last month the media was able to jump all over the story of how the RNC has started a petition to get the Clintons to release 20 million emails. Now, that is some important shit.

Why do I bring up this comparison nonsense? Because idiot right wing douche bags continue to bring up Clinton to this day. “But Clinton got away with, you didn’t care when Clinton did it, Clinton was a criminal…” On and on and on.

Anyone who brings up Bill Clinton’s name as a comparison to anything George Bush has done is a complete and total fucking moron. The mentally retarded should look down upon you as an intellectual inferior. You should actually be taken behind a barn a shot in the head because you are such a useless waste of humanity. Even worms and insects should shun your useless, decomposing body for its lack of substance. A steaming pile of shit will give more to the Earth than your corpse as it rots. Basically, your existence is an affront to God.

So, do everyone a favor and shut your pie hole.

FearTheReaper was no Clinton fan, but if you can’t see the difference…

The race for the Republican nomination is a complete disaster. Each candidate is coming apart at the seams in spectacular fashion and it is truly delightful to witness. As of right now, Republicans do not have a candidate for president who is not badly damaged.

Let us start with Rudy Giuliani. Rudy is extremely thankful today for the Bush administrations shocking lies about Iran’s nuclear capabilities because his Shag Fund Scandal is off the front page – for now. But it is a long campaign and the allegations will dog Rudy the entire race. Let me recap Rudy’s shit storm.

Rudy used funds from little known city agencies to cover the cost of security when he took trips to the Hamptons to bang his mistress. Then it was revealed that Rudy used the NYPD as a taxi service to drive his mistress to Pennsylvania to see her parents, as well as around the city whenever she wanted. And best of all, he made the cops walk her dog. There is nothing a big city cop loves more than to walk and pick up the shit of the mayor's mistress' dog.

Also last week, it was revealed that Rudy went to a fundraiser
hosted by a convicted criminal, was lobbying for earmarks for 14 companies while campaigning against earmarks, does business with a Sheik who has close ties to Osama bin Laden and had his stump speech ripped apart by the New York Times for making claims that are "are incomplete, exaggerated or just plain wrong." Rudy is a walking disaster.

Next up was Mitt Romney and his illegal immigrant employee nightmare. For a Democratic candidate any sort of black mark in regards to immigration would not be that big of a deal, but the Republicans expect to run on the issue this year. It is the new gay marriage, which means any candidate who is not squeaky clean is in trouble with the base. And Mitt stepped into a big pile of Mitt this week.

During last week’s retarded YouTube debate, Mitt kept accusing Rudy of helping out immigrants by turning New York into a “sanctuary city.” Rudy fired back that Mitt had employed illegal aliens at his home in the past. Rudy was referring to a Boston Globe story from December 2006, which accused Mitt of hiring a landscaping company that employed illegal aliens. Mitt said he took care of the situation and made it clear to the landscaping company that no illegal aliens were to work on his property.

So, the day after the debate, the Boston Globe went back to Mitt's house and guess what they found? Illegal aliens working on the shrubbery. I am shocked and heart broken.

Now the Republican horde is losing their minds. Right wing message boards are working overtime attacking Mitt and his villainous behavior. He basically shit on America and everyone knows it. Good luck, Mitt! Just be thankful that you didn’t get a rapist out of prison so he could rape and kill people. That honor goes to Mike Huckabee and this week it came to the attention of the nation.

Now, that could certainly happen to any governor. Of course, the fact that Huckabee showed Dumond so much respect and kindness was very odd.

“Dear Wayne.” Are you kidding? You just opened a letter to a rapist with “Dear?” What an asshole. If I ever write a letter to a rapist, it will start with, "Hey Fuckface."

Dumond’s previous victims begged Huckabee not to release the rapist because they were certain he would rape again, but his time they were afraid he would kill his victim to make sure she could not finger him for the crime. Huckabee went ahead with the parole anyway. Why he did so is even creepier than the parole itself: Bill Clinton.

Turns out Dumond was convicted and sentenced for raping a distant cousin of Bill Clinton, so the right wing became convinced that Dumond was innocent. They had no evidence other than the fact that the rape victim was related to Clinton. The right wing put massive pressure on Huckabee to release Dumond. New York Post columnist Steve Dunleavy was on a mission, writing such beautiful prose as, the “So-called victim” and "That rape never happened." Eventually, Huckabee was either convinced Dumond was framed (probably not) or thought he could score points with the right wing (yes) by setting a rapist free.

Now Huckabee is running for president and he has a rapist albatross hanging around his neck. Good luck with that.

That is not such a good week for the three Republican front runners, is it? But we can also take a moment to look at the pure insanity coming from the bottom of the pack.



Wow, just throw "Jew" in there and you've got a piece of propaganda straight out of Nazi Germany.

A train wreck falling on a car crash.

Two days ago we learned that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003. This fact came to light because of a leaked National Intelligence Estimate report, which was created by 16 different American spy agencies.

The really exciting part of this news is that Bush kinda, sorta knew in August. The reason I say kinda, sorta, is because the administration is attempting to spin this in a way that can only be described as completely retarded. When questioned about when Bush was told of the information, National Security Advisor (lied about Iraq) Steven Hadley broke it down.

Uh, yeah. So, you have 16 American spy agencies who all come to the conclusion that Iran has halted its nuclear weapons program and you kids decide not to tell the guy who is apparently making a total and complete fucking asshole out of himself in front of the country and the world. I’m just trying to break this down in a way that I can understand it. You allowed the President and Vice President and Secretary of State to lie to the American public repeatedly for months – because you wanted to keep reading something that was already complete. Okay.

Now based on that information, Steven, I am going to have to call you a total fucking liar and asshole. Sorry. Yesterday Bush was asked directly about the report and when he knew what it contained.



Heyoooo! That’s hilarious. Now we have two huge fucking liars. Although, he could also be totally detached, insulated and incompetent. It is really, really hard to choose. Wait! He’s all four!

This is such an astounding level of either willful ignorance or lying that it should be an impeachable offense. Joe Biden pretty much summed it up.

Can't really argue with that. But Bush is not alone in his stupidity.

Last night's Democratic debate on NPR also covered the Iran situation. If you remember, Hillary Clinton decided to take the position of hawk on Iran when she voted to declare Iran’s Revolutionary Guard a foreign terrorist organization. Hell, she was even calling Bush a pussy on Iran back in 2006. In light of the new NIE, Clinton was obviously going to be called out on her idiotic vote during last night’s debate.

Clinton kept yammering on until moderator dude stepped in.

"Many of you" just doesn't include 16 government intelligence agencies. Hey, Hillary, there’s a fella named George Bush I’d like to introduce you to. You kids have a lot in common when it comes to being assholes.

Dear British people, from now on please think of Americans as aliens from outer space. It would be better if you did because we have decided to kidnap you whenever the fuck we want, much like an alien abduction. But it won’t be as bad as being abducted by aliens because there will not be an anal probe. (Although we cannot guarantee that.) Actually, scratch that. It will be worse than an alien abduction because they take you in the night, shove something up your nose, maybe take some sperm and usually close with an anal assault, but America will take you and throw you down a dark hole never to be seen again. That's just how we do things now.

Well, that should make the British eager to help us out in the “War on Terror.”

Right, never mind that the British are considered friends of ours. Thanks for helping out in Iraq and everything, but go fuck yourself. And sorry about that extradition treaty you signed with us but we’re going to pass.

Apparently we attempted to kidnap the nephew of a chap named Stanley Tollman, who is a former director of Chelsea Football Club. Both Tollman and his nephew are wanted for bank fraud and tax evasion. Now, I think anyone associated with Chelsea is a total douche bag but that does not mean they should be kidnapped. Or their nephew. We have been attempting to get Tollman through extradition hearings, you know, like a fucking civilized country. But I guess we also don’t have a problem snatching someone off the street, like the mafia.

The US legal representative explained our ridiculous position.

Sweet. Hey, when was slavery wrapped up? Oh, right, the 1860s. I’m going to go ahead and say that some laws from back in those days aren’t the best. What do you say we let this one die, boys?

I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news lately, but we’ve basically won the war in Iraq. Yep, the surge has worked, Iraqi refugees are returning home in droves and all is well. So, I thought I should bring you up to date on some of the awesome news.

First, let’s start with the refugees returning. According to the Iraqi and US governments, 1,600 refugees are returning to Baghdad each day. Fucking sweet! We are winning!

Boo. Liberal press, Democrats hate the troops, etc. You get what I’m trying to say.

Okay, so the number is apparently less than the reported 1,600 per day. And the government is not really keeping track of who the people are, so some of the returnees are actually terrorists, blah, blah, blah. The numbers a little off, right? I’m sure not by much.

Well, shit at least people are coming back, right? No matter how small the number, at least it’s positive!

Yeah, but, but..people are still living in Iraq. They are still there, you liberal fucks!

I’m just going to move on because naysayers and America haters have attacked this topic. The surge is working, which means Iraqi politicians can to come together and start hammering out solutions.

Well, who cares about the Sunnis? They are only like 2% of the population or something. At least now that the surge has worked, people can return to their normal lives.

Honestly, why can’t we just focus on the surge and how great it is going? After four years of war, the sewer system is a bit fucked up, yes. Only 30 to 40 percent of Baghdad sewage pumps are working, which is better than zero. Come on, the glass is half full. Or 40% full.

Yes, but now we can actually fix the fucking problem, right?

Yes, yes, fine. But the surge is working and now we can fix everything. We just need the money to get the repairs done.

Granted that sounds bad, but less people are dying from bullets and bombs. How about somebody throw a smiley face around? Or put a fucking gold star on top of a report? Instead of all this dark cloud bullshit.

Hello? Surge? Working?

So, now you are mad at some guy because he learned to be an entrepreneur? Really? That is pretty anti-American. Let’s just focus on one word: Surge. Okay? Good?

Oh, fuck off. Liberal asshole reporters.

Fine, you hate America. I get it. Anything else you want to throw in before you lose the war?

Blow me.

FearTheReaper is excited that Bush finally got around to doing what he should have done the first week. But four years is too late.

Thirty-one days until the corn engorged people of Iowa shuffle into voting booths and pick from the saddest field of GOP candidates in a long, long time. Then the insane mountain lunatics from New Hampshire will follow five days later. At that point I expect a name to emerge that will scare the shit out of every sane person in the country: Huckabee.

Huckabee pretty much annihilated the competition in Wednesday’s Republican debate, which has led to another bounce. It’s not his first bounce, either. He got one from the Ames Straw poll in August and has been rising ever since.

A December 1st poll of Republican voters shows Huckabee pulling ahead in Iowa for the first time. In early October, the same poll had Mitt Romney ahead by 17 percentage points. Shit, Huckabee used to be behind the walking corpse called Fred Thompson. But now the Christian psycho is on a roll.

It doesn't look as good for Huckabee in New Hampshire, where he is sitting in the middle of the pack, but also rising. With 15%, he has his highest support yet in New Hampshire and is way up from the 4% he had in September. Romney is kicking ass in the militia state, while Giuliani and McCain are slipping down. Huckabee should get a big bounce if he wins Iowa and could easily close on Romney.

Giuliani is collapsing into a giant shit heap. He has slipped into third in Iowa with 13% and is tied for second place in New Hampshire with Huckabee and McCain. But in New Hampshire he is trending down. Also, he has some major electability problems in Iowa.

Those are not good numbers, considering they are coming from his party. Giuliani's new Shag Fund scandal should completely doom him, unless of course, conservatives are okay with a guy having the NYPD pay for his fuck trips, act like a cab for his mistress and her friends around town, drive her to her parents house in Pennsylvania and walk her dog. Yes, he had cops walk his mistress’ dog. He’s done.

Fred Thompson is fourth in Iowa, but there is no reason to even discuss him.

McCain is pretty screwed as well. He’s sitting in fifth in Iowa with 7% and second in New Hampshire with 15%. With his kind of name recognition he should be doing much better. And contrary to what Ron Paul’s insane followers want you to think, he is just a zit on the ass of the Republican field. Paul is tied with McCain for fifth in Iowa and in New Hampshire has a whopping 8%. But that is not the worst news for Paul.

Iowa:

New Hampshire:

Paul is plowing forward with a lot of cash but Republicans just don’t like him. All he has been able to do is catch the already dead McCain in Iowa. Congrats, loser.

Shut the fuck up. Ron Paul already lost.

This race is looking like Huckabee and Mitt Romney. Mitt has decent numbers in Iowa and fantastic numbers in New Hampshire. Much of that is due to the fact that Romney has completely out spent his fellow candidates in the two states.

Unfortunately, he is now slipping in Iowa and has dropped five points since October to 24% as of last week. But in New Hampshire, Romney is a Mormon freight train.

You go, girl.

The key fact in this mess is that Huckabee hasn’t been spending money. He’s been doing it all with a grass roots following, public appearances and through debates. Now that Huckabee is ahead in Iowa, expect him to get a massive infusion of cash and become a serious contender for president. Right now he has the best chance. Scary.