In 1776, Thomas Jefferson and a few of his friends, also known as the Second Continental Congress, drafted and sent an interesting document to soon-to-be-nut job King George III, the latest in a long line of German twits invited to be king. This document became known to history as The United States Declaration of Independence. You might have heard of it. It was in all the papers.

Included in this weighty document is a list of charges and complaints against the British Government, in the person of King George III. This list highlighted the reasons the Colonies were willing to go to war to become independent of the British Empire. Because of these crimes, there was a rather important war, and eventually a new country.

In 2000, the SCOTUS ignored the citizens and installed George W. Bush to the office of POTUS. Eight years have passed, and W. is just about ready to flee to Paraguay as soon as January, 2009 rolls around. But before he goes, I’d like to play a little game I’ve called . . .

George Vs. George

George III

George W.
Veto of healthcare for children

George III

George W.
Gay Marriage becomes the major issue of 2004 elections, while ignoring the war.

George III

George W.
Veto of Stem Cell Research

George III

George W.
Email Deletion Scandal . . . Hard to keep records when they disappear

George III

George W.
Powell chased off by Bush and cronies

George III

George W.
Election Theft

George III

George W.
Stupid Fence
Stupid Immigration Laws

George III

George W.
In-Justice Department

George III

George W.
Office of Homeland Security, maybe?

George III

George W.
Surge grows, against wishes of population

George III

George W.
Patraeus and his non-answers

George III

George W.

Iraq War, Tax cuts for wealthy and big business, the lost of world standing, suspending habeus corpus, Guantanamo . . . Not linked because they have been explained to death.

George III

George W.
Recession, anyone?

George III

George W.
Canadian citizen sent by U.S. to Syria, where he was tortured

George III

George W.
Domestic spying and the society of fear since 9/11.

George III

George W.
Sounds like the partisan divide and the bitch-fighting between the “left” and the “right.”

George III

George W.

It really is difficult to pick the best war criminal in the White House. And make no mistake about it; several members of Bush’s cabinet are war criminals. Last week, ABC broke the story of their torture discussions and Bush backed the story up a couple of days later. If you don’t think they are war criminals, then you are a fucking idiot.

Nice work, peeps. You are officially no better than the Japanese during WWII, some of who we prosecuted for waterboarding.

Back in the '60s, we still seemed to think it was a bad thing.

Now, it is apparently different here in the good old USA. We have tossed our laws out the door and are having a torture party. Of course, the international community is not as retarded and villainous as the Bush Administration, and they still classify waterboarding as torture.

Shit, even crazy John McCain calls waterboarding a war crime.

The ABC News revelation of torture meetings in the White House is disturbing. Sure, we all knew they did it, but now it has been confirmed. And here are your war criminals!

Vice President Cheney,
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell
Former CIA Director George Tenet
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft

They used to gather at the White House and sit around listening to stories from the CIA about how they were going to torture people. And not just once in a while – they heard about EVERY SINGLE PERSON TORTURED.

You’d think these morons would have done everything they could to keep themselves out of the loop. Apparently they are actually dumber than I suspected. The CIA covered its ass and had these idiots sign off on every torture. Nice work.

Only Johnny Ashcroft was said to have been concerned about the blatant stupidity - which is pretty amazing considering how stupid he is.

So, it’s legal, but it shouldn’t be talked about in the White House. Got it.

Now, one would expect our president to deny these accusations, right?
No. And why should he? Our press certainly won’t follow up – not when Obama is running around using the word “Bitter.”

Uh. What? Did you just…? Um. Man, I wish somebody cared, because you just threw yourself under the bus. Add one to the War Criminals list.

But, nobody cares. It’s just a few war crimes. Take a look at this sweet AP headline about the horrifying revelations.

“Harsh?” Seriously? "Harsh" is when you tell someone to fuck off. Pouring water into someone's mouth so their brain thinks they are drowning is "heinous." Wait, I want to write headlines for the AP.

Currently, the way things stand here in the US, if Congress does not forbid specific torture techniques as illegal, then they are totally legal. That’s how we are doing things. The Bush Administration claims that “severe mental or physical pain or suffering” is too broad.

They are just ignoring the fact that we prosecuted Japanese, our own soldiers and that Nazis were prosecuted by Norway for waterboarding. It is settled law. Hell, they are giving the finger to the Geneva Conventions.

We just don’t give a shit. Congress even amended the War Crimes Act, retroactively, to make sure those who committed war crimes would not be prosecuted. The Abu Ghraib scandal broke in early 2004. Any idiot breathing knows that was approved at the highest level, but we still re-elected Bush in 2004. The abuses of people at Guantanamo are well known to most. And the vast majority of people tortured in those two prisons are innocent.

Certainly nothing will happen in this country, but I wouldn’t write off the rest of the world. Augusto Pinochet was arrested in the UK in 1988 for war crimes in Chile. Our very own Henry Kissinger is wanted for questioning in France, Brazil, Chile, Spain, and Argentina because of Operation Condor. The people we have tortured in prisons have come from all over the world; they are citizens of many countries – all of whom can now attempt to prosecute these idiots for war crimes. Hopefully the number of countries Dick Cheney and his buddies can visit in the future are very limited.

It’s Saturday. That means you lucky bastards are going to read about the horrible actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. This year is the 185th anniversary of Asshole Fuckfacery. The first was a Greek revolutionary named Lykurgos Logothetis. In 1822 he was commander of the island of Samos. The Samian people were itching for a fight with their Ottoman rulers and they wanted the good people of neighboring island Chios to join them. The Chios were not interested in fighting, or really being a part of anything.

So, Logothetis thought if he invaded Chios, then they would be forced to take sides and join him. But the Chians were not fighters. He ended up killing a bunch of them and taking over the island. Then the Turks got pissed that the Chians were helping the Greeks and Sultan Asshole Fuckface Mahmoud ll sent an army to kill all males over 12, all women aged over 40 and all two-year-old children.

When the Turks arrived, Logothetis sailed off in his ship, leaving his own men stranded on the island. The Turks then massacre the peaceful island people. Corpses filled the streets and clogged the harbor. When they ran out of Christians to kill, they burned the churches and monasteries. Although, they got lucky and burned 2,000 women and children alive in one monastery. You can still see the bones and skulls on display today.

Over 20,000 Chians were massacred and 45,000 were sold into slavery. There were so many slaves taken from Chios it caused a massive drop in slave prices throughout the region. Ever since Logothetis, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces every week. Today, I scour the news to find the worst of the worst and pull them into the light for you to mock. So, put on your goggles, this is going to be ugly.

First up, only an Asshole Fuckface would punish someone for flag waving.

In 1950, the Republic of South Maluka attempted to break away from Indonesia. The rebels were crushed within six months and the leaders scurried off to the Netherlands, where we can assume they sat around smoking pot and talked about going back someday.

Forty-nine years later, they got their shit together – or probably their kids. Or grandkids. The separatist Christians started up again eight years ago due to rising religious conflicts. Indonesia apparently has a strict no separatist policy and bad flag waving is forbidden. Very forbidden.

Wow. Just think what would have happened if he had actually done something wrong. Johan Teterisa was found guilty of treason because he coordinated the flag wave with a group of 28 dancers. At least he can spend the rest of his life knowing he stood up for what he believes in.

Oh well, never mind. The dancers are also learning about the horrors of flag waving.

It’s like Footloose Nation. Good luck with that.

Next up, you’re an Asshole Fuckface if you have a fake dude pregnancy.

By now, most of you should have heard of the “pregnant man.” His name is Thomas Beatie and he is pregnant. Tommy revealed his belly prize to the world last week in the latest issue of The Advocate.

Well, bully for you. But, I’d just like to say one thing to Tommy: Hey crazy lady with the vagina and no penis, you’re a lady. Just because you had your breasts cut off does not make you a dude. You’ve still got this thing between your legs called a “vagina.” People with penises are men, and those with vaginas are women. I learned that a long time ago and it has been quite handy information when I want to put my penis in a vagina. I know not to hit on dudes at bars.

The crazy part of this story is that the press is reporting it as a medical miracle.

PREGNANT MAN: THE 'MIRACLE' OF HAVING A BABY

PREGNANT US MAN DEFENDS RIGHT TO HAVE CHILD

PREGNANT MAN TELLS OPRAH: IT'S A MIRACLE

Wow, great headlines. Too bad none of them are true. Here’s what a true headline should say:

LADY WITH GIANT CLIT HAVING BABY.

Because that is all this Asshole Fuckface is. Tommy lopped off her breasts and took testosterone treatments to increase the size of her clit. She uses her clit as a cock and slips it into her disappointed wife. And Tommy has a VAGINA. That’s where the baby comes out. Babies don't come out of men's vaginas.

I could give a shit if a transsexual has a baby, just don’t try to pass yourself off as something you are not. You were born a lady, you’ve got lady parts and you get to have a baby. You are not a “pregnant man.”

Also, thank God Tommy and her wife went to the press. Now their kid will have an awesome life of scorn and ridicule. Also, some religious nut may try to kill Tommy. Good work, attention whores.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a bad, bad, bad woman.

Abigail London-Fife has to learn a bit of self-restraint. Abby suspected her husband of having sweet, sweet intercourse with other women. She had “intercepted” several phone calls and was clearly not going to let Leonard get away with it.

So, one night while she was going at it with her man, she pulled a knife out from under the bed and went Highlander on his balls.

I do love a good trust position, just without the knife slicing into my Johnson.

This week, Abby went to court for her vicious frank and beans assault. The judge was not pleased.

Exactly. But don’t knock the pot onto his penis. Abby’s attorney tried to explain how she is not such a bad gal.

“It was inappropriate to use a weapon?” So, it would have been better if she had punched him in the balls? Clearly, fisticuffs, or fisticocks, would have been more appropriate. Also, if you are hiding a knife under the bed, you’ve been thinking it out.

The Abby received a 12-month "conditional jail sentence." I don’t know what that means, but she spends the first six months under house arrest – hopefully dude has moved out. I think she should have to travel the country and apologize to guy’s balls for a year.

My next Asshole Fuckface is another crazy Muslim from Saudi Arabia.

Facebook is getting a bad rep in Saudi Arabia. Sheik Ali al-Maliki is leading the anti-Facebook charge, claiming it is destroying the youth.

Well, maybe that just means the price of food is low. You really haven’t made a good point. But the religious nutters of Saudi Arabia are making noise about the site. Facebook has 30,000 Saudi Arabia users, while 6,500 people have signed a petition to ban the site. They are mostly concerned that Facebook “Promotes homosexuality.” They do have a point, because almost every time I log onto Facebook I end up blowing a dude. And I’m not even gay.

But the real and obvious problem is that Facebook is fucking up the strict control of men over women. Women are signing up for accounts and not posting their pictures. It’s an anonymous world where they can say and do what they want. Now women are contacting dudes outside of their class system and families.

Now a father has been forced to kill his daughter for chatting on Facebook. He killed her to save her. Talk about a catch-22.

Well, that will teach her. She’ll definitely think twice before doing that again. And you can go to bed every night with the image of you beating and shooting your daughter dancing in your head, you Asshole Fuckface.

Finally, get used to Asshole Fuckfaces who don’t even know they’re racist.

Until November, expect to see some white Republican idiot making an ignorant racist comment every week. They are so used to making offensive comments to each other that they don’t even realize they are being an Asshole Fuckface when they make the same comments in public. Take David Bellavia, who introduced John McCain at an event on Wednesday.



Tiger Woods? Now, what does Tiger Woods have in common with Barack Obama? Oh, right, they are both part black. Kudos, fuckface. Not only did you compare Obama to Tiger Woods, but you picked the one partial black guy who NEVER LOSES. True Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and those of you living in New York District 26, David Bellavia is running for Congress. Remember to vote!

Condi Rice is now "actively campaigning" to run with John McCain as Vice President. She will probably get the nod because Republicans are stupid enough to believe she will pull black votes away from Obama. But she won’t, mostly because the guy above her on the ticket will be an old, white man named John McCain who sort of voted against a MLK holiday back in the '80s.



But he didn’t know any better because he was only 50 when he voted against the MLK “issue.” Who knew about the Martin Luther King “issue” before they were 50? Not me.



So, that could be a constant and embarrassing topic if McCain chooses Condi. If he does pick her, it will be like slapping a little Bush on his shoulder to remind America of how horrible his presidency will be. A little, black, lady Bush, who is one hell of a piece of shit. Let’s take a look at Condi’s superior governing abilities.

Really? Well, I guess not many people saw the Lone Gunman pilot on Fox early in 2001, during which a terrorist flew a hijacked plane into the World Trade Center.

Oh, and never mind that George W. Bush was given a briefing on August 6, 2001 informing him that al Qaeda was capable of using hijacked airplanes to strike against targets within the US. Also, don’t remember that one month earlier, Bush was told that terrorists had plans to use planes as missiles.

Wow, what a big fucking lie. At least, that's what 9/11 Commission member Jamie Gorelick says.

Huh. Deputy Secretary of State, Richard Armitage also said there was no plan. That’s two against one, Condi.

Not so much, liar.

It’s kind of hard to make a mushroom cloud with no big nuclear mushroom thingy.

Condi Rice is a waste of human skin. She misjudged the terrorist threat leading up to 9/11, lied about it and then misled America in the build up to the Iraq War. She is just as responsible for the disaster that is Iraq as Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush.

Rice has zero credibility here or anywhere else in the world. Why would the leader of any country or the American people ever believe a word this blatant liar spewed out of her gap-toothed mouth? She was the National Security Advisor when the World Trade Center was destroyed. Rice should have been tossed out on her incompetent ass and publicly humiliated for the rest of her life.

Contrary to her bullshit cover-up, Bush was given a two-page document in August 2001, describing exactly what would happen. Here are some of the vague highlights.

Condi Rice did not convene a Cabinet-level meeting to discuss the urgent warnings. She’s a miserable failure whose inaction and ineptitude led to the deaths of thousands of Americans. That’s probably why...

Oh, that’s someone who needs to be elevated to Vice President. This woman shouldn’t be considered for the office. An appropriate place for Condi would be in a ditch somewhere, covered in feces for all eternity.

FearTheReaper does not believe in 9/11 Conspiracy theories. He thinks some idiots fucked up. The only people worse than Bush and his boys are you morons who can’t accept reality. So, take your 9/11 Truth shit and cram it up your ass.

The time has come to fear a McCain presidency. Hillary Clinton is doing everything she can to make Barack Obama unelectable, clearing the way for the time worn Senator from Arizona to march into the White House. But over the past few weeks McCain has shown himself to be either a confused old man or a lying sack of shit. Either way, it’s bad news.

Some of the old man’s mistakes have been harmless. For instance, a couple of weeks ago in Israel, he made this blunder while touring the city of Sderot with Israel Defense Minister Ehud Barack.

Uh. Purim commemorates a time when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from execution. So, not at all close. Thank God there was a Jewish guy there to save McCain’s babbling ass.

And fail. Joe wants us to believe that he lied to McCain about the holiday. Bullshit. McCain is a crazy old fuck who blurts shit out. This Purim mistake would be no big deal if it weren’t a pattern of an old man fucking up, over and over and over. His best old man or blatant liar moments had to do with Iran and al Qaeda on a recent Middle East trip.

First, in February, he burted out this gem.

Right. Hey, really old man who wants to be president, Iraq is the birthplace of the Shiite religion. Shiites make up the majority of people in Iraq. Shiites and Sunnis hate each other. Al Qaeda are Sunnis. See how your idiotic statement doesn’t work?

But gramps wasn’t done there. A few days later, he blurted out this lie or old man brain misstatement.

Well, not so much. Actually, not at all. See, Iran is controlled by a Shiite government. The Shiites would not fund a Sunni group, like al Qaeda. They are actually enemies. Sorry. You’re either losing your mind or a dirty fucking liar.

Oh, and the “undeniable security gains” turned into a big pile of steaming shit last week. Now, totally deniable security gains.

But John Boy wasn’t done being old or lying just yet. A week later...

Now this moment makes me think gramps wasn’t lying. If it was a lie, Lieberman would have let it go. He didn’t. Gramps doesn’t know who is who, because he is old and losing his mind.

Really, gramps? Did you take a drive to the Syrian border and stop in Mosul for lunch? Then turn around and head on down to Sunni Ramadi? Maybe take sunset stroll through the city and talk to the peeps? After that, did you grab a Vespa and putter on down to Najaf to see the Shiites? They love us there! But, you know that because you were “on the ground.” I’m sure you then took a nice drive down to Basra to see the oil rich countryside, right? And then, I assume, you hopped on a boat and enjoyed a nice ride up the Tigris to Baghdad? And then your threw on your old fighter plane jacket and strolled the streets of Sadr City, meeting and shaking hands with the good folks? No? Oh, then you don’t know shit. You were a well-protected, isolated asshole who saw what they wanted you to see. That’s why one week after your “we’re succeeding” declaration everything went to shit.

His clueless bullshit has continued and continued. After the recent flare up in Iraq, that left the government of Maliki greatly weakened, McCain continued to spew nonsense.



What a stupid old man. The history of cease-fires is meaningless because we know the truth of this specific instance. Sadr was clearly the victor. The Maliki government went crawling on its knees to Iran, begging them to get Sadr to stop.

McCain is a fool. He has a profound lack of understanding of the region and its people. His multiple claims over a period of a month that Iran is training al Qaeda is disturbing. It’s like claiming that Republicans are funding and training Democratic candidates. It’s moronic. And this wasn’t a momentary slip, like his campaign would have us believe. He said it over and over and over. Five years into this disaster of a war and McCain doesn’t know the simplest – and most important facts.

This video from yesterday sums it up.



Oops.

Since I started writing this weekly article 37 years ago, I have been asked the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface over nine thousand times. Today I can reveal that the first was Captain Luke Collingwood, of the British slave ship Zong.

The Zong took on too many slaves when it set sail in November 1781. Soon the crew and slaves began to succumb to malnutrition and disease. After 60 slaves and 7 crewmembers died, Collingwood had a great idea: Throw the rest of the slaves overboard. One hundred and thirty three people were thrown into the sea, where they drowned. Collingwood figured he could make a claim with the insurance company for the “lost cargo.” Thankfully, he died before the ship reached Jamaica.

The insurance company put up a fight over the claim. Chief Justice Lord Mansfield (Asshole Fuckface #2) ruled “the case was the same as if horses had been thrown overboard” and the insurance company didn’t have to pay a dime. (Phew) No one on the crew was charged for killing 133 people. As a matter of fact, Solicitor-General John Lee, (Asshole Fuckface #3) declared, “a master could drown slaves without a surmise of impropriety.” All horrible, horrible people. Since that voyage, my people have been scouring the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces. Each week, I search the news and reveal to you the worst of the worst. So, put on your catcher’s mask, this is going to be ugly.

First up, sometimes Asshole Fuckfaces make 13-year-old girls take off their clothes.

Drugs is bad. You knows it, I knows it and schools knows it. And Savana Redding found out when she was in eighth grade. A Safford Middle School snitch told the vice-principal that Savana and her friends were bringing drugs to school. Then the snitch, aka the Asshole Fuckface, brought the vice principal a pill. It turned out to be prescription Ibuprofen.

Any decent Asshole Fuckface would spring into action – and that’s just what school officials did. The Vice Principal searched Savana’s backpack and sent her to the nurse’s office, where they took a peak at her little titties and her vagina.

Wow, that’s a serious Asshole Fuckface reaction to Ibuprofen. When Savana’s mother found out about the strip search, she sued the school. For Savana, it was a bit of a bummer.

So weird. You’d think a 13-year-old being forced to show her tiny breasts and bush to school officials would be a wonderful experience.

The case is still winding its way through the courts. The Reddings lost and it is now being appealed. The Asshole Fuckfaces at the middle school clearly got the message.

Right. Don’t forget that.

Next up, another Asshole Fuckface shows us how to take care of kids.

Meet Brian Havel. He’s a teacher and an Asshole Fuckface. On Monday, one of Brian’s students came to class late and Brian told the kid to do push-ups and sit-ups. Well, the kid pulled a Richard Gere on this Louis Gossett, Jr. and refused. That’s when another student had a great idea.

This is the point where a non-Asshole Fuckface would say, “No.” But Brian thought it was a great idea. So, the other students beat down the evil, tardy bastard.

Brian is looking at charges of child abuse.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who really, really loves patio furniture.

Look, I’ve seen some awesome patio furniture in my time. I’ve seen some nice wicker shit, a few classy iron pieces with big soft pillows and even a nice wooden love seat. As attractive as all of these pieces have been, I have never tried to fuck one. I think it’s wrong to fuck furniture. That’s how I was raised.

Apparently, Asshole Fuckface Matt Johnson was raised differently.

I think at one time in our life, we have all looked at a picnic table’s hot pussy and thought; I’d like to hit that. I actually think they shouldn’t make picnic tables with vaginas – but I know I’m in the minority.

A neighbor first spotted Art as he attempted to impregnate his picnic table.

The neighbor videotaped Price and did not put it on the Internet, which also makes him an Asshole Fuckface. Not since that horse fucked that guy to death has there been such an important video.

Price is now looking at four felonies, for giving his picnic table the ride of its life. I believe Price should be given a break if he made the table cum. It’s only fair.

His three kids are obviously bummed – and thankful they don’t have any umbrella holes on their bodies.

Next up, everybody’s favorite Mexican hating Asshole Fuckface almost said a very bad thing.



Lou just stepped into the biggest pile of irony, ever. He spends a minute or so discussing how wrong Rice was to speak her mind. According to Lou,

Then whitey slips and shows us his true colors.

Cotton what? I’m sorry, did you mean “cotton picking politicians?” No, that’s not the commonly used phrase. What about “Cotton picking black people?” No, that’s not it either. There is only one word that goes on the end of “Cotton picking”: Nigger. That is what Lou “the Asshole Fuckface” Dobbs had to stop himself from saying on air, during his speech about how Americans don’t have a problem taking about race.

What a vile human being.

Next up, a lot of teenagers in Florida are Asshole Fuckfaces.

The state of Florida has been teaching kids abstinence-only sex education and it is paying off.

Well, obviously they are right about the Mountain Dew, but what the fuck are they thinking with the bleach? Everyone knows you drink Pine Sol to stop HIV.

Advocates are now trying to push a measure through the state Senate that will expand sex education beyond “Don’t.” They’d like to tell the kids about condoms, disease prevention and that drinking bleach doesn’t stop HIV.

Right. That’s why Florida has the sixth highest pregnancy rate in the US and the highest rate of ‘bleach breath.”

Finally, I’d just like you to watch four Asshole Fuckface morons attempt to have a serious discussion.



I have nothing to say.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will all receive a FearTheReaper money belt.

Ah, the Libertarians. Our little head in the clouds kids. They scurry about our country, totally unable to grasp the real world, screaming about “big government” and clamoring for a Utopian fantasy world where corporations are the good guy, riding in on a big white horse to save us from the heinous oppression of government. It is, of course, a childlike and amazingly unrealistic view of the world that enables Libertarians to always feel like they are right. Forever they can preach their madness and feel the righteousness of their words, because it will never happen. Ever. They may as well claim flying elephants can save our country, because both have the same chance of happening. That’s why it’s a win-win position for our Libertards. There is no chance of their form of government ever being implemented and revealed as unworkable.

Ron Paul is probably our country’s most famous Libertard. He is, of course, a fucking moron. His body of work and lack of understanding of economics has been widely covered on the newswire and I have no interest in rehashing it. He’s a tool; the discussion is over. I was forced to write about him today because others now seek his crown.

Bob Barr wants to pick up the Paul baton and run with it, all the way to failure. The Barrtard is no fool; he knows political opportunity when he sees it. In this case, legions of Ron Paul lemmings are meandering about with no one to vote for in the presidential election. It’s very similar to when the Grateful Dead finally perished and Phish picked up the ball. Suddenly, burn out, jobless nomads had a reason to live again. The Paul follower’s situation is like that, but somehow more annoying.

The Barrtard is expected to announce his candidacy for the Libertarian Party ticket on Saturday, when he is scheduled to be the keynote speaker at the Heartland Libertarian Conference in Kansas City, Missouri. Bob’s big claim to fame was back in the '90s, when he led the charge to have Clinton impeached. If there is one thing that screams Libertarian, it’s impeaching a president for getting a blowjob. And Bobby has no problem with his blatant political opportunism.

And Ron Paul is on board and will apparently endorse Bobby. Thank God! The great leader gives his blessing! But, he had to endorse somebody and there was no way he was going to give the nod to John “I don’t know what al Qaeda is” McCain.

Yet, Bob Barr, now that’s a different story. What’s not to cheer? After Republican Bob lost his congressional seat in 2002, he switched to the Libertard Party and joined the ACLU. When he left office, Bobby had a 98% rating by the American Conservative Union and he has spent his life fighting the good Libertarian fight. One great example is when he authored an amendment in 1998 to block Washington DC from implementing a medical marijuana initiative. But, now he’s for medical marijuana. Yay! Change! And Bob is against gay marriage, once sponsoring the Defense of Marriage Act, which blocks any federal recognition of gay couples married by states. Wee, freedom! He is also a strong opponent of abortion, even though he supported his wife’s decision to get an abortion. I’m not sure which wife, he’s on his third.

But never mind all that stuff, he’s against the war!

Forget about everything else, he’s a fucking hero! Nobody in this presidential race is saying anything close to that, except the Democrats.

If Bob is the Libertard candidate, it will be a serious problem for McCain. Barr is a God to quite a few conservatives. He is known to fight strongly for his beliefs and has experience in Congress taking on the Clintons. Many Republicans are upset McCain is the nominee. They believe he is not conservative enough. Barr could easily siphon off enough votes from important swing states, like Ohio, Florida, Nevada and New Mexico. Basically, the Barrtard entering the race will mean an Obama presidency.

But I don’t want to count my chickens before they are murdered, defeathered and have their innards removed. There is another dark horse on the horizon. A beast out of the north named Grendel. Sorry, I meant Gravel.

Yes, Mike Gravel has left the Democratic Party, joined the Libertards and will be competing for their nomination.

Seriously, that sounds great Mike. So, what’s first?



Okay, thanks for trying.

You gotta love a government that not only ignores logic, intelligence, and big fucking holes while wasting billions of taxpayer dollars on a worthless project.

Well, they've topped themselves for despicability in building the most worthless wall in history.

Environmental laws don't apply to Bush's pet projects.

It is like someone made a sarcastic list of the worst ways to build a border security fence, but forgot the smiley emoticon and Bush took it seriously: Make it too short, put lots of holes in it, build it to last just a few decades, and choose the building sites based on if the property owner is an old family friend or not. The only thing left to complete the foul-up is to endanger the environment.

Bush, whoever gave you that list was JOKING!

Yes, of course, a last resort. Which is why the first environmental waiver under the mandate given to Homeland Security came in September, 2005, over a year before The Secure Fence Act was passed. Good to have that precedent set up nice and early, before any major complaints could be raised.

Congratulations to Bush, Chertoff, and all their little friends: you managed to take a thoroughly crappy idea and make it just that much worse.

Coyotemike tips his ocelot-skinned hat.

George Bush is such a colossal fuck up it is astounding. Every choice the administration makes in Iraq turns out to be the wrong choice. Their latest blunder is backing the wrong Shiite in Iraq. Today, after a couple of days of violence in Iraq, a new strongman has risen and his name is Muqtada al-Sadr. Our guy is the other guy -- the weak one.

Al-Sadr played Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki like a couple of children. Seven months ago, al-Sadr agreed to a cease-fire in Iraq – which has led many right wing morons to believe the surge has been a success. They are, of course, fucking idiots desperate to prove that their imbecilic support of the invasion was the right call. Deaths have dropped in Iraq because al-Sadr has not been killing people and we have been paying Sunni insurgents not to kill people. Last week, the cease-fire with al-Sadr took a break – just long enough to show who is the big boy in Iraq. And his name ain’t Maliki.

We’re supposed to believe that Al-Sadr is the bad guy and Maliki is the good guy. The truth is they both are nasty motherfuckers. Both sides are guilty of sectarian cleansing. Both have strong connections to Iran. Maliki has been using the US military and the Iraqi Army to arrest and kill members of al-Sadr’s militia, The Mahdi Army. But this week, al-Sadr fought back, which is exactly what Maliki was hoping for. Maliki expected the US to fight this battle for him. His master plan was to get our guys to wipe out al-Sadr, leaving him as the last Shiite standing.

The fighting first started in Basra. Maliki claimed he was cracking down on “criminals,” but it was obviously a massive power grab. And a pretty pathetic one, at that. First rule of power grab: Make sure you aren’t a retard. Maliki clearly didn’t realize his pals the Iranians and his other pals, the Americans, don’t want a civil war between Iraqi Shiites. So, Maliki and the Islamic Supreme Council started the fighting in Basra and al-Sadr pushed back – and he pushed back hard.

The fighting moved to Baghdad, where US forces were also involved. There Maliki learned the second lesson of power grab: Make sure all the guys on your side are actually on your side. Many members of the Iraqi Army walked away from checkpoints, because they support al-Sadr. Members of the Army were actually walking into al-Sadr’s offices and giving up their weapons.

Meanwhile, Iran wanted the fighting to end because Iran supports both Maliki and al-Sadr and would rather they don’t kill each other. They want the Shiites to save it up to attack the Sunnis when the US pulls out. Bush certainly does not want Iraq to fall further into chaos at this point, because it would devastate McCain’s chances in November and screw up his plan to leave a land mine for the incoming Democratic president. At the same time, the Kurds refused to get involved in Maliki’s moronic fight.

Hello, blunder, my name is Maliki. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister was demanding the Mahdi Army disarm. He actually set a three-day deadline for the al-Sadr kids to turn in their weapons. There was some chuckling, a few shrugs and then the three days passed with no one turning in their guns. Day four: Maliki actually extended the deadline – and offered cash for weapons. Third rule of power grab: Don’t look like a massive pussy.

The US provided air support for Maliki’s weak ass forces and al-Sadr held strong. Turns out it is very hard to dislodge highly motivated indigenous fighters who know every nook and cranny in the area. Who knew? I mean, besides everybody. Rule number four of power grab: Read at least one book on the history of urban warfare.

After a couple days and a few hundred dead guys, Iran said enough is enough. Officials in Maliki’s own government told him to stop his little war and went to Iran for help.

Iran then brokered a peace deal. Maliki actually went to Iran to meet with al-Sadr – which brings up the fifth rule of power grab: Don’t beg your opponent to stop.

Bestest of allest, al-Sadr had a list of demands for Maliki before he would agree to an end to hostilities. The fucking rebel set the rule to end the conflict that the government started! Holy shit! Maliki is a plane crashing into a train wreck, falling on top of a car crash, hitting a boat. What an epic disaster. Rule number six of power grab: Don’t let your enemy kick your balls in.

Here is what Maliki agreed to:

1. Ending armed manifestations in Basra governorate and all the other governates.
2. Ending of attacks and illegal arbitrary detentions.
3. Demand that the government apply the law on general amnesty, and release all prisoners who have not had charges confirmed against them, in particular prisoners belonging to the Al-Sadrist current.
4. We announce that we will repudiate those who carry weapons and target the government and service agencies and institutions, or the offices of political parties.
5. Cooperation with government agencies to bring about security and to charge criminals, according to due process of law.
6. We reassert that the Al-Sadrist movement does not possess heavy weapons.
7. Efforts [meaningful efforts are to be made] for the return to their residential areas of those who were forced out as a result of security incidents.
8. We demand respect for human rights by the government in all of its security activities.
9. Working [meaningful efforts are to be made] towards the realization of development and service projects in all governates.

Oh, and here’s a napkin to wipe yourself off the floor with. My favorite number in that list is 7. She’s a beaut. Maliki is demanding that Sunnis and Shiites be placed back in their homes, from which they were removed by sectarian cleansing. You now, the sectarian cleansing that the Mahdi army was responsible for – but so were the militias working under Maliki. Al-Sadr is trying to make the case that other Shiites were responsible for the cleansing, just as he has been trying to claim Maliki has been killing Sunnis and blaming the Mahdi army. Now he’s demanding those people be put back in their houses. It’s called politics and this was a master move. Rule number seven of power grab: Don’t take on a guy who is a million times smarter than you.

To top it all off, al-Sadr has now completely positioned himself as the only powerful man in Iraq who is against the US occupation. Maliki is Bush’s boy, and called in the US military to fight against his fellow Iraqis. The Sunnis have been collaborating with and accepting money from the US for over a year. The vast majority of Iraqis want the US to leave. Now they have a strong man who loudly opposes the occupation and has shown he will not back down. And guess what is coming later this year? An election.

The October provincial elections are one of the main reasons Maliki went after al-Sadr now. He’s been attempting to displace al-Sadr supporters, while inserting members of his own Dawa Party and the Islamic Supreme Council, in areas of Basra that al-Sadr controls. Maliki completely failed. He has all but assured a massive victory for al-Sadr this October.

The other big loser in the mess is the US. What a massive fuck up. We just injected ourselves into an inter-Shiite conflict and chose the wrong side. Going after assorted rogue groups in the Mahdi Army is one thing, but going after the entire al-Sadr organization on behalf of Maliki was moronic. Did I mention the vast majority of voting Iraqis want the US out of the country?

Any gains the US made with al-Sadr and his followers are gone.

The end result of this mess is that al-Sadr is far stronger and Maliki much weaker. The Iraqi Army appears considerably weaker, which isn’t a great sign for the future. Iran also is strengthened because they brokered the peace deal. The US is, once again, the clumsy fool.

The Mahdi Army went back into the shadows, waiting for the day when the US pulls out and they take over the country – if they are not just voted in this October.

As many of you know, for several years I have stated that I would reveal the very first Asshole Fuckface on March 29, 2008. That day has arrived. With great trepidation, I will now tell you the name of El Numero Uno: Azimullah Khan. Khan was involved in the Indian Rebellion of 1857, which started against the British East India Company's army and spread throughout the upper Gangetic plain. But, most of you probably already know that.

Khan’s big moment came after British forces had surrendered at The Battle of Plassey. There was some confusion as the British were leaving, fighting broke out and almost all the British soldiers were killed. Their families were moved to Bibighar, a house in Kanpur. After a few days of discussion, Khan ordered the women and children to be executed. The women and children refused to leave the house for their executions, so the Indian rebels shot them through the windows. After hearing their screams, the rebels refused to continue shooting.

That’s when Asshole Fuckface #2, Sarvur Khan, hired butchers to kill the women and children. The butchers moved in and hacked up the survivors with cleavers. Three women and three children, aged 4 to 7, survived by hiding under dead bodies. The next morning they were discovered during the clean up and tossed into a well -- alive. Then the bodies of the dead were thrown on top of them, which means they were buried alive under corpses. So, you can understand how Kahn was the first Asshole Fuckface.

Ever since that day, my people have scoured the Earth, looking for Asshole Fuckfaces in order to drag them into the light. Each week I bring you the worst of the worst, so that you may point at and mock their existence. So, put on your rubber capes, this is going to be ugly.

This week’s first Asshole Fuckface doesn’t own a drill.

Ronald Long, of Missouri, was trying to install a satellite dish in his home last week, but he apparently didn’t have a drill. Drills are obviously incredibly expensive, sometimes costing as little as 20 bucks. Ronald tried to punch a hole through a wall using “other means.” He then decided to use every construction workers best friend: A gun.

Ronald shot through the wall. Then he shot again. At this point, he decided to yell out to his wife and kids, who were outside. Outside is also known as the other side of the wall.

Nice work. I think The Dish Network is hiring installers. Asshole Fuckface experience required.

Next up and as usual, the people sworn to protect us turn out to be Asshole Fuckfaces.

Things went horribly wrong for Mandi Hamlin when she attempted to fly from Lubbock to Dallas last month. It’s bad enough that the poor woman didn’t use a plane to get the fuck out of Texas, but she was also subjected to an unfortunate titty situation. When going through security, her sweet, sweet nipple rings set off the metal detectors. She was then scanned with a handheld detector and it went “beep beep” over her breasts.

Right, because 50% of all hijackings are done with nipple piercings. Don’t you fucking people remember 9/11?

Ha ha, snicker, snicker. We're humiliating another human being. Weeee.

Right, because this was just about a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces unnecessarily fucking with a woman. The TSA has, of course, backed up the Asshole Fuckfaces by releasing a statement claiming the screeners were right.

Next up, the music industry should just be renamed the Asshole Fuckface industry.

After years of pushing shitty music onto the masses, fucking over musicians and treating everyone they come in contact with like scum, the music industry is finally suffering the slow death it deserves. Every move they have made to stop music downloading has backfired and millions of consumers have stopped buying their constant stream of shit. Last year the RIAA sent out 5,400 letters to illegal music downloaders. 2,300 settled, while the other 2,465 didn’t respond and are now being sued. This only makes people hate them more. They also haven’t given a dime of any money recovered in lawsuits to the musicians.

Now the music biz wants all of us to pay for their terrible decisions.

Um, fuck you. All the Asshole Fuckfaces are asking for is billions.

Sweet. Should we pay a tax for every industry that the Internet has made obsolete? Does da wittle music industry need some welfare? Dear music industry peeps, please die an honorable death. There is a solution.

Finally, we still have Asshole Fuckfaces in the country who think it is the year 500.

Meet Leilani and Dale Neumann of Weston, Wisconsin. I would actually like to punch them in their prayer holes. They don’t believe in doctors because “healing comes from God.” I’m all for that sort of medieval thinking when it comes to your own health. By all means, die from an easily curable condition so the rest of us don’t have to deal with your religious bullshit. But these Asshole Fuckfaces had an 11-year-old daughter named Madeline.

Madeline hadn’t been to a doctor since she was three.

Madeline had been sick for a month or so. Then she fell into a coma. Of course, the parents tried more prayer, because it seemed to be working pretty well up to this point. They also called relatives in California, who then called 911.

Madeline died an hour after paramedics arrived. Which is really surprising because of all the prayer. Oh, and Dad gave some voodoo a shot near the end.

Right. CPR, totally cool. Doctors, not so cool. I completely see the logic of your argument.

According to doctors, Madeline died from a treatable form of diabetes. Turns out God had given doctors the answers to diabetes a long time ago. She had probably been sick for a month.

Which is commonly mistaken for “not enough Jesus” by Asshole Fuckfaces. Mom explained.

That’s weird, because she was dying. Hey, maybe everything you see is horribly wrong and this is a good time to re-evaluate.

Or not. Enjoy prison, child killer. And please take the other 3 children away from these Asshole Fuckfaces.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a boil from the Lord.

It was bound to happen. The new conservative movement hates reality and anything that impedes them from doing what they want. They are basically a group of three-year-olds, running around, murdering our country. The worst assault has been on the law. It has been systematic, subversive and probably irreversible.

In the final year of the George Bush presidency, the Justice Department is a complete and total joke. Republicans have used the Justice Department as a partisan tool, destroying the bedrock of our society: The Law. Of course, as they undertake the demolition of American laws, they rail against exactly what they are doing.

Guess where that came from? It was part of the 2000 GOP platform. Ha ha ha ha. Wow, what a bunch of glorious cunts. They were actually speaking of the Clinton Administration, a benign little cancer compared to the final stage AIDS patient that the Justice Department has become under Bush. It is even more amazing when one thinks of the trumped up, bullshit scandals created by the right during Clinton’s years in office. Cattlegate, Whitewater, Filegate, Travelgate – and getting blowjobs from a sad little lady Gate.

Since taking office, Bush’s main objective has been to subvert the law, by placing partisan hacks in every office possible, while nominating partisan judges to the bench. This has been covered in the press, but nobody seems to give a shit. Remember Moncia Goodling? All she did was break the law by asking lawyers what party they belonged to when she was interviewing them at the Justice Department. Seems our government attempted to thwart this kind of bullshit – back in 1883. At that time Congress passed the Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act to deal with this heinous activity, because it can completely undermine our democracy. The law was then strengthened in 1939 by the Hatch Act. Then, along came Bush and these “laws” were suddenly ignored.

Back before Bush, the Justice Department tried to hire the best and the brightest lawyers available. The Honors Program and Summer Law Intern Program at Justice, which helped snag grads from elite law schools, created a fast track. Once Bush took over, that nonsense was gone. Suddenly the most fucked up, religious lunatic graduating law school in the country was the Justice Department favorite. Regent University was started by Pat Robertson with the specific intention of creating an army of religious lawyers to turn America into a theocracy. And for whatever reason, those same religious nuts love to get on their knees and take the sweet cock of big business into their mouth. I guess it’s what Jesus would have done.

Monica Goodling spent years placing unqualified partisan hacks throughout the Justice Department. For them, allegiance to the all mighty George Bush is more important than allegiance to the law. These hacks completely destroyed the Justice Department Civil Rights Division. Before Bush, the division fought against systems set up to prevent minorities from voting. Now, the Civil Rights Division does what it can to prevent minorities from voting, including fighting for Voter ID laws across the country.

Wow, they actually just come out and say it and nobody seems to care. Royal Masset is a former director of the Texas Republican Party, so I’m going to assume he knows what he is talking about. The US Attorney scandal occurred because some attorneys were fired after they refused to prosecute Democrats on trumped up voter fraud charges. Eight were fired. But what about the ones who weren’t fired? It seems they did as ordered.

Between 2001 and 2006, the Justice Department initiated 375 investigations of public officials. Out of that number, 298 were Democrats and 67 Republicans, or as it is known on the street, GOP anal rape. We now actually have former high-level government official being held as a political prisoner. But that's nothing to worry about, right?

Bush has accomplished such a wonderful feat by not just packing the Justice Department with partisan hacks, but also my packing the federal bench with partisan hacks. He uses his religious lunatic following, promising them anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage judges and then places pro-business and pro unitary executive judges on the bench. Which means the damage of this reckless and anti-democratic administration will continue for years.

The crazy bastards who set up this country actually foresaw this sort of problem and created a safety net called Congress. Thankfully, Congress has put up the kind of fierce resistance one would expect from tissue paper. 95% of Bush’s nominee’s have been approved, no matter how insanely pro-business or blatantly partisan. And they are doing God Bush’s work.

The only way to get rid of these judges is to impeach them – but we all know there is a far better chance of Jesus birthing from my anus. Hey, at least the US Attorneys can and will be fired if a Democrat takes over. But don’t expect any president to give up the power Bush has taken. They may not abuse it, but they aren’t going to give it up. It will sit there, waiting for the next president who doesn’t give a shit about Democracy to come along. For that, you can blame Congress, Democrats and Republicans alike, for not doing their job when the country needed them most.

At this point, the White House is publicly humiliating Congress for being amazing pussies. The administration is so brazenly breaking the law that they just destroy evidence, knowing no one will hold them accountable. The time to impeach has come and gone.

There are no brave, honest politicians like there were in the days of Richard Nixon. Who thinks the current House Judiciary Committee would vote for the impeachment of Bush, even when presented with overwhelming evidence? They voted 21-17 to bring the articles of impeachment against Nixon, for far less egregious crimes. This has set a very dangerous precedent, especially for a group of right wing revolutionaries. Future Republicans now know what to do.

There is no turning back the clock now. It is not if our country will be undone, but when. The right wing will build upon the destruction of Bush when they place their next idiot in the White House, whether that is next year or in 10 years. The next one will start right where Bush left off, because this is not the doing of one man, but the concerted effort of a group. A group no one in our government has the courage or brains to take on. The right wing knows the best way to undermine this country is to control the law, to make the law, to own the law. They now have the Supreme Court, thousands of judges, and the Justice Department packed full of people who don't seem to give a shit about democracy.

Without the rule of law, we will be done. I, personally, think we already are.

Our pot laws in the US are so backwards and idiotic, it is astounding. It is unbelievable that arrests for marijuana violations are actually going up. But it seems everywhere you look, the US has its priorities completely backwards. We are some seriously stupid motherfuckers. But that all may change because of a fat, gay guy from Massachusetts named Barney Frank.

I’m for the legalization of all drugs. People are going to get them anyway, so there is no point in keeping them illegal. When I was growing up, I had no problem getting my hands on pot, magic mushrooms, LSD, cocaine, speed, or anything else I wanted. It is my understanding that heroin and meth have now been added to the list of easy access drugs. For me they were all one phone call away, or they would come to me at a party, or football game – hell, one time I got my drugs in a high school Spanish class. Muy bueno! The point is, if you want drugs, you can get drugs - especially pot.

Pot is the least dangerous drug out there, but the government keeps cracking down.

The government is seriously stupider than stoners. In the past 15 years, pot arrests have gone up 188%. You’d think the government would have something better to do, like sit around and diddle their balls. Or maybe they could punch themselves in the face. I would rather my tax dollars pay for that. The last thing I want happening is people, like Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island,” getting arrested.

WTF? That poor woman was stuck on an island with a bunch of retards for years. Dawn should always be high. She should wear a glass helmet with a tube attached that constantly feeds pot into her poor brain. By the way, awesome mug shot, burnout.

Six months probation doesn’t sound bad, but for many people it’s not just about the sentence. Their lives can be turned upside down.

My wife is a therapist. If she smoked pot and was caught, she would lose her license to practice. The punishment for smoking a natural plant does not fit the crime – it more fits the crime of murder. If I were a student who lost his financial aide and was looking at a life working at Home Depot, I would go on a shooting spree. The California Supreme Court recently ruled that employees could be fired for smoking pot, even if it has nothing to do with the job.

The pot laws vary from state to state. 12 states have passed medical marijuana laws. California passed a medical marijuana law in 1996. Now we have pot stores and even pot vending machines. But that does not stop the Federal Government from raiding our pot stores, because George Bush has a serious hard on for pot.

And it doesn’t help that in 2005 the douchebags on the Supreme Court ruled that the Feds could overrule state pot laws.

Sweet. I know one of the “broader implications” is that people will be more relaxed. And more video games will be played. And quite a few more lemons may be stared at for over 10 minutes. Oh, and shows like Two and A Half Men may actually be somewhat tolerable. Actually, strike that. The creators of Two and A Half Men should be murdered.

As far as the “financial implications,” as a country we spend $7.5 billion annually enforcing pot laws. And that doesn’t include taking care of the poor fuckers who are in jail. Maybe we should act like adults, legalize pot and rake in the taxes from all the herb that would be legally sold. Hell, we could probably fund universal health care with the tax profits.

Thankfully, Barney Frank is on the case.

That would be awesome. It will never happen, but it sounds awesome. For whatever reason, America likes to cater to the most retarded amongst us – which turns out to be most of us. Although, we have been moving slowly towards legalization over the years.

Of course, the vast majority of people arrested for smoking pot are minorities – even though the rates of marijuana use are the same for whites and people who are not whites. Plus, we do like to keep our black people in jail and pot makes that easy.

Thank God. All those people were getting high and not doing anything wrong. Motherfuckers. Nothing is more infuriating than a guy going to a park and getting high. You may as well shit on the baby Jesus. An influential physician group recently called for pot to be declassified as a “Schedule I” drug.

Holy shit. Pot is classified the same as heroin? Why not classify murder the same as trespassing? How about classifying rape the same as jaywalking? The people who first made pot illegal should be beaten about the head with a large wooden object. If they are dead, they should be dug up and set on fire. But they won’t be, because they have made billions of dollars keeping pot illegal. Plus, it would be weird to dig up a body and set it on fire. And I doubt anyone would understand the political statement. By the way, “They” are people like Du Pont and Hearst.

Corporations like Du Pont and industrialists like William Randolph Hearst were concerned that hemp would cut into their pulpwood paper and synthetic products profits. So, they launched a campaign.

In the '30s, Du Pont had just patented a new process for making pulpwood paper and was working on something called “nylon.” Du Pont financial backer and US Secretary of Treasury Andrew Mellon made sure his nephew was in charge of the new Federal Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. They combined with the Hearst newspaper business to create the new monster: Pot. Then came the "Marihuana Tax Act of 1937,” which was the end. Yay big business.

It’s amazing Barney Frank is actually going to introduce legislation to legalize small amounts of pot. It has no chance, especially in an election year, because the majority our politicians are spineless creatures, with no ability to take a strong stand. We are basically represented by sea cucumbers.

Even everyone’s great hope, Barack Obama, won’t come out for medical marijuana. He did a few months ago, but then recently backed off.

Really? Because I’ve experienced both and I’m going to go ahead and say there’s a huge fucking difference. Morphine is the great “pain go bye-bye.” Pot is, “hey, shit is weird.” And Obama’s statement that he can’t favor “legalization without scientific evidence” is pure bullshit. There is loads of scientific evidence that pot aids in the treatment of health ailments. And even if there wasn't, who gives a shit? Hemp and pot were a big part of the early days of America.

Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson grew marijuana, and smoked it. Today, they’d be locked up in jail.

Whatever, hippy.

Let’s hope Barney Frank gets somewhere with his legislation. But I seriously doubt anything is going to happen. Because we are morons.

First of all, happy fucking birthday, Iraq War. You’ve had a rough couple of years and only the retarded seem to like you. You drew the short stick. I actually kind of hate you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a special big 5 Asshole Fuckface birthday roundup!

This Iraq edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup will probably not be as funny as previous Roundups, mostly because of all the dead people. Sometimes dead people are funny, like when four people barbeque and eat another dude. That is inherently hilarious. But when a lady straps on a suicide bomb vest and blows herself up, taking 40 people with her – not so funny. In researching this Asshole Fuckface Roundup I discovered that Iraq is in far worse shape than I thought it was, which is pretty disturbing.

Let’s kick this fucker off with one of the Asshole Fuckfaces who came up with the “let’s invade Iraq” idea way back in 1993, then executed it 10 years later: Dick “I’m the worst human alive” Cheney. Dick has been making the rounds this week to celebrate Iraq's B-day. Whenever Dick speaks a small part of me dies. Last week, a segment of my colon perished when he tossed out this gem.



Oh, sweet pile of shit. Let's see if that looks better when it's written.

Not so much. Two things, Dick. First, could you not smirk like an over the top Batman villain? Thanks. Second, there have not been “fluctuations” for over a year, monster. The American peeps have been against this shit for a long, long time – mostly because they aren’t retarded. See, a while ago, the American people stepped back and realized what happened. The Bush administration put a pile of dog shit in a paper bag, placed it on America's doorstep, set it on fire and rang their doorbell. America opened the door and stepped on the bag to put the fire out. Then they realized there was shit on their feet. Cheney and Bush keep trying to light the bag on fire. We’re upstairs cleaning off our shoes.

The great thing about Dick Cheney is when you let him out of his Hannibal Lecter restraints and face mask, the bastard really lets loose. He wasn't done with just his “so?” comment.

9/11? Really? Seriously, when your heart finally stops (of natural causes) I am going to throw a party. I am going to throw a “Dick Cheney is dead” party and invite people. We are going to drink to your lack of life and probably have some cake. Sadly, there is a 77% chance that Dick Cheney will not die, but rather, shed his human skin, revealing his true demonic form, and then open the Hellmouth. We'll worry about that when the time comes.

Dick Cheney and George Bush are the ultimate Asshole Fuckfaces, playing a giant game or Risk (and losing) with actual people’s lives. People they could give a flying fuck about. Like this Iraqi, who is a blogger – and one of the last. Most Iraqi bloggers have left or been killed. He celebrated the fifth year anniversary by blogging about when it all went south.

Check out his hood. Looks awesome!



It only takes a few Asshole Fuckfaces to destroy a city. The first Asshole Fuckface was Saddam. Then came Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Now the place is a hellhole because of religious fanatic Asshole Fuckfaces.



They live a daily nightmare in a city that has been separated by walls. Religious Asshole Fuckfaces scurry about, killing and maiming those trying to live a normal life. Two weeks ago, Iraqis experienced another one of hundreds of mini 9/11s since the US invaded. Asshole Fuckfaces in Baghdad blew up two bombs, killing 54 people and injuring 100.

At some point, one apparently becomes too tired to see dead people. Hatam had reached his limit. Must have been a nice walk out of the bomb site.

Notice you don’t hear the Republican hordes of Asshole Fuckfaces telling us the Iraqis are now better off than they were under Saddam -- because they obviously are not. They are living in American created misery and now a few are living in it without legs. Of course, they are not dead, like so many, who were killed by Asshole Fuckfaces and buried out in the desert in unmarked graves.



Things aren’t exactly roses here on the American side, either. The cost of this war is disgustingly high – which is the exact opposite of what we were told before the invasion, by our Asshole Fuckface leaders.

How’d that work out? Maybe they meant to say “a day” at the end of that estimate.

Oh, cool. I was worried about $4 trillion. $1 trillion is a lot closer to the original price tag of $60 billion, right? I’ve never seen numbers before, so this sounds great.

Finally, we have lost nearly 4,000 soldiers in Iraq. Think about that number, then go back up to the top of this article and watch the video of Cheney smirking. When you're watching Cheney, also think about his 5 deferments during the Vietnam War. That is the smirk of a coward. Then come back down and read about guys like Army Staff Sgt. Ernesto Guadalupe Cimarrusti. He died on March 10th, killed by a roadside bomb, that was planted by Asshole Fuckfaces.

As much as I think he shouldn’t have re-enlisted, at least Ernesto died doing something he believed in. Doesn’t really matter if I think it was a waste of a life, if he felt differently.

Either way, there are now almost 4,000 Ernestos because a group of Asshole Fuckfaces in the White House didn’t know what in the fuck they were doing. We have now created a training ground for terrorists, destabilized the most important real estate on Earth and have no way out.

Iraqis killed - 1 million and counting.
US soldiers killed - 3,993 and counting.
US soldiers wounded - Nobody knows because the Department of Defense are lying Asshole Fuckfaces.

Oh, and George Bush's actions have led to far more civilian deaths than under Saddam Hussien. George is the all time leading Iraqi Asshole Fuckface. Congrats.

No Child Left Behind seems to regard poor, inner city schools as a disease to be cut out. No Child was, initially, meant to force schools to bring all students up to a higher level of basic reading and math skills. An admirable goal, but the method of doing so makes little sense.

First, schools are rated based on standardized tests, which are often culturally biased. And second, since funding is based on test scores, teachers and adminiatrators have been known to cheat the system by teaching answers instead of thought processes.

Now, the Bush administration is attempting to fix one of the problems within the system, while ignoring the fact that the system doesn't work.

States will now be allowed to give leniency to schools that have smaller numbers of students who are dragging down their test scores, while schools that have several groups (i.e. inner city and poor schools) are in much greater danger of closing.

This seems backwards. The schools that are in the most danger are populated by the groups of people least able to afford to have their students change schools. Bussing and after school programs are supposed to be free, but unless they are running buses after the after-school programs, the parents will have to leave work early to go pick up the children.

The idea of punishing the schools that need the most help is absurd. The idea of throwing more funding to schools that are already meeting standards is again, absurd. The idea of teaching test answers instead of thought processes is idiotic.

And the idea that fixing it by shifting the burden even more towards underfunded inner-city schools is the ultimate proof that this administration doesn't know anything about education.

Coyotemike has seen the results of No Child Left Behind, and is scared for the future.

America seems to be in a lot of trouble. We have a possible Democratic presidential candidate who has been spiritually mentored by a black pastor who is clearly a madman. Obama’s pastor, Jeremiah Wright, actually said things out loud that any true American would never agree with. This is unparalleled in American history and we should now be very suspicious of Senator Obama.

For those of you unaware of Wright’s horrifying “hate speech,” here is a sample.



This is disturbing. I cannot believe any politician would be associated with a man who uses such hateful language. Never in the history of America have we faced such a troubling situation. We have a long history of compassionate and loving religious leaders influencing our political leaders.

It seems like just yesterday that the kind and wonderful Religious Right leader Francis Schaeffer was delivering his loving words to America.

God bless him and his sweet call for the violent overthrow of the US government. Years of making these types of comments got Francis invited to lunch with Presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford and George Bush Sr. – as he should have been. He was a true American.

Wright’s comments, on the other hand, are inexcusable, especially when compared with some of our nation’s greatest spiritual leaders, like Pat Robertson.

He was right, of course. Foggy Bottom is the nickname for the State Department’s DC headquarters. Pat knows that the State Department has spent years trying to kill us and therefore, should be annihilated with a nuclear weapon. God bless him for his kind and understanding heart.

Comments like this are the reason George W. Bush relied on Pat Robertson as a trusted consultant. And we should be thankful that he did so, unlike the horrible Jeremiah Wright, who clearly hates America. See, President Bush understands that Pat does not have a hateful bone in his body. The nuclear weapon Pat spoke of was made by Jesus. He only wants what is right for our country and the people living on her soil.

Pat is just carrying on the tradition of warmhearted American spiritual leaders. The recently departed Reverend Jerry Falwell was another great man of God. After 9/11 he helped to heal our nation.

God bless you, Reverend Falwell -- and Pat Robertson for agreeing. Statements like this are the reason Falwell had an open line to the White House and called whenever he wanted.

Falwell's passing was a great loss, according to our political leaders.

John McCain

George W. Bush

Yes, indeed. George even sought the advice of his "loyal friend" Jerry when selecting Supreme Court nominees.

John McCain’s has a new friend, pastor John Hagee, who has often expressed his Jesus-like views of the Katrina disaster.

Bless you, John Hagee, that is exactly why you have "the ear of the White House." You embody the spirit of Jesus and American patriotism.

Preach on, brother! Clearly the man loves America, because he says the liberal coasts will experience nuclear warfare. That’s patriotism. Hateful Jeremiah Wright could learn something from love filled John Hagee.

Jeremiah Wright’s language is so hateful that I can barely contain myself. How dare anybody know him! Look at this drivel.

It’s not the kind of speech we are used to hearing from our white, white, and very white ministers. It doesn’t include the usual simplistic attack on a minority because of their sexuality. Nor does it justify the deaths of thousands because of their ideology. Wright does not call for the death of American citizens living on the coasts of America and he doesn’t hope for the nuclear destruction of a department of the US government. What a jerk.

Wright has the gall to suggest that there is a link between the United State’s bombing of or meddling in other countries, and the desire of fanatics to attack America. The last thing America wants is to hear someone speak the truth. For God’s sake, the man is saying there is a cause and effect relationship. BUT HE’S NOT BLAMING QUEERS! Didn’t he get the fucking memo? God lets terrorists kill us because men are putting their penises in other men’s bottoms.

Here are the things Jesus hates:

The State Department
The IRS
Global Warming
The UN (Oh man, does Jesus hate the UN)
Old Europe
Gays (duh)
Liberals
Jews
Muslims
Anybody but Christians, actually
People who don’t own guns
Soccer
ACLU
Abortionists
Feminists

That's it. Anything not on that list, Jesus does not hate. Those are the subjects our spiritual leaders are allowed to cover. Or, at least our white religious leaders.

This entire “controversy” never would have erupted if Wright was a white man. That is so fucking obvious – and if you don’t think so, then you are a moron. This is white America getting angry at an uppity black man. This is the side of the US that whites would like very much to keep hidden away, out of view. Angry blacks are supposed to shoot and murder, not speak in ways that force us to think. This is the kind of shit that makes us look at ourselves and we don’t like it. That’s two hundred years of justifiable anger. A lot of people thought they were getting a nice house Negro in Obama, but now they find out he's been hanging out with the angry field Negroes. And they lost their minds. The hypocritical reaction of those who give the Robertsons of the world a pass is sickening.

God damn America is right.

The Republicans idiots will continue to hammer this point home, even after what may have been the best speech in modern politics two days ago. They will ignore the vile hate spewing out of the mouths of their insane religious leaders and continue their constant attacks on Wright. And no “journalist” will ever call if for the obvious racist attack it is. Because this America -- and we have the worst media in the free world.

I do not know what in the fuck Hillary Clinton is doing. There is no way she can legitimately win the Democratic nomination. Turns out, a long time ago some asshole invented math and because of math, Hillary cannot win. She is a dead lady walking, which makes her continuing campaign completely absurd.

Clinton has only one strategy at this point: Scare superdelegates into voting against Obama. Either because he’s black, or he knew a guy named Rezko, or he’s black, or he can’t win big states, or he’s black, or because he’s not white. Hillary’s minions are now actually attempting to rename superdelegates. They want them to be called “automatic delegates,” which is apparently more appetizing and will somehow, magically allow Democrats to view them as pleasant, instead of what they are: Undemocratic, party insider bullshit.

Wow, that’s retarded. And Rovian. Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, other delegates chosen directly by voters are not "automatic."

Yes, let’s check the signatures of 1 million voters. Great idea and not at all scumbaggery.

Here is where Hillary’s problem lies.

It’s called reality. The only way she can win the nomination, by getting more delegates and winning the popular vote, is to crush Obama in all the remaining primaries. She has yet to crush Obama in one state primary. He has crushed her in several.

Hillary has also been loudly proclaiming that the Florida and Michigan delegates should be counted. Obviously, she did not come to this brilliant conclusion until she won both states. Hillary also apparently does not remember signing this document:

Hillary’s not going to “participate,” but she’s going to fight for the delegates. Which, is kind of "participating" in the process. She even wants the delegates from Michigan seated, where she was the only name on the ballot and voters were not allowed to write in Obama’s name. That is apparently totally acceptable – especially so in Asshole World.

Obama’s people, obviously, say, “No.”

How about a re-vote? Or, how about we follow the rules that were agreed to ahead of the campaign? How about we act like adults? How about if one of the leading Democratic candidates doesn’t attempt to pull a bullshit move that reminds every voter of Bush’s tactics? Does that sound good?

Apparently not. Hillary’s campaign can’t survive a re-vote. It’s something her biggest supporters don’t understand. So, being incredibly intelligent, I will break it down for them.

Currently the popular vote looks like this:

Obama – 13,281,132
Clinton – 12,577,409

That is without Florida and Michigan. With those two rogue states, it looks like this:

Obama - 13,857,346
Clinton – 13,776,704

Obviously, that’s a big difference. Clinton narrows the lead to under 100,000 with Michigan and Florida counted. But what happens if there is a revote in both states? Uh oh, then Clinton is getting her ass kicked again.

If a revote is agreed to, suddenly Hillary can no longer tell her supporters she is within striking distance. Toss those totals out and she has to accept being down nearly 1 million votes. Considering right now her campaign is running on pure bullshit, she’d be fucked. Even her minions would be forced to recognize that she has failed. The 193 extra delegates Clinton claims are hers, suddenly are not and she looks like the beaten candidate that she is.

And no fucking way in hell can she ever do better that the original, bullshit primaries held in Florida and Michigan. She was the only person on the ballot in Michigan. Latest polls show a tied race in the giant mitten. Obama would gain in delegates and popular vote. In Florida, Edwards was still on the ballot and Obama did not campaign in the state. In every state Obama campaigns in, he drastically cuts Hillary’s lead. Obama only came away with 32% of the vote in Florida. He would obviously get more in a revote. That’s more delegates and more votes.

As of now, Michigan looks like it will have a June revote. I like to call it a re-primary, or a re-mary. Bad news for Clinton. It appears Florida will not have a re-mary and Senator Nelson is calling for the delegates to be seated, but only count as ½.

Nelson is a big Clinton supporter – so his plan is a big blow. A 19 delegate pick up is not what Hillary needs. Her peeps are not pleased.

Well, they’re going to. It’s just not going to be the one you want. Obama is playing this smart.

The Clinton campaign needs to keep people thinking that the Florida and Michigan’s first results will be counted, because that creates uncertainty. Her campaign cannot survive right now without uncertainty. As soon as a resolution is reached, Clinton is toast. She will no longer be able to convince supporters that she will have the lead in delegates or the popular vote when Democrats hold their convention. Superdelegates or “automatic delegates” will never take the suicidal route of reversing the people’s choice.

Hillary is done. She has been since Mini Super Tuesday. There is no way for her to win. I know this because I passed my grammar school math classes. Pack it the fuck in, crazy lady.

On October 16, 1999, at 12:58 in the afternoon, my life had changed, forever. After rushing my wife at the time to the local emergency room, her water broken, she finally gave birth to my daughter after 21 hours of labor.

I was an emotional mess. Watching the birth of my daughter had to be one of the most humbling moments of my life. Feelings of joy, seeing all ten fingers, and all ten toes, overwhelming feelings of love, and fear for her future and how I was going to provide for her had overtaken me.

I then decided it was my time to exit this marriage due to many personal and viable reasons. I stayed in it because I know how Father's Rights are an outright myth in Family Court. I had decided to go after full custody of my daughter. I filed for emergency custody and had custody of my daughter within a week of leaving my ex-wife.

I really had underestimated what I was in for. My custody battle lasted 3 and a half years in the Family Court System.

I personally was made out to be just short of a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho by my ex-wife. The State of Ohio immediately looked down upon me and took her side, simply by her allegations. I wasn't battling against just my ex-wife. I was battling against the Court System's natural bias against fathers, and the idea that if the mother says it, it must be true. I was struggling to prove myself innocent, even though there was absolutely no truth to the allegations.

I dealt with lawyers telling me that father's aren't the best parent, I dealt with judges saying the same thing, I dealt with an inept Child Cervices program telling me that I was using my daughter to hurt my ex-wife, simply because I wanted custody of her.

I got do deal with things like Child Services agents that would call her ahead of time, arrange a time to come to her house and view her parental skills. The ex-wife could manage to make herself look golden in that time. Meanwhile, they just dropped by my house anytime they wanted, unannounced.

Finally, after 3 and a half years my custody battle came to an end. Why you ask? Did the court system and child services investigate to prove who the better parent was? Did they spend hours upon hours with each parent to find the truth in who my daughter belonged with?

No. What it came down to is that my ex-wife wanted to re-marry. My lawyer was smart enough to write in the legal documentation that divorce wasn't granted until custody was decided. I didn't plan on giving up my crusade for custody of my daughter so that my ex-wife could get re-married. She finally folded and signed custody over to me.

I went from a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho to a suitable father within the time it took for her to sign her name on a piece of paper. The courts didn't question it once, child services never piped up and said anything. It was just okay because she signed over custodial rights. I spent a lot of time, and money, to prove that I was the better parent and to defend myself against all the false allegations she made. It was all a moot point, she signed over custody, they didn't care if I was the better parent, they didn't care if I was a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho, she signed the piece of paper.

I did it though, I beat the odds.

In an era when a person's actions are blamed on the lack of a father figure in a child's life, the Family Court system is doing just about everything it can to force a father away from his child.

This is an important issue to me in the upcoming election. Once you live something it kind of has this way of sticking with you, and you want to hear what the candidates have to say.

When John McCain was questioned about Father's Rights, this was his response:

Wait. What? "Tar baby of enormous proportions". Who the hell says something like that and doesn't expect to offend someone. He later apologized for this statement. Well. Not the entire statement which basically amounts to "I am sorry our Family court system is all Asshole Fuckfaced up, get bent". He apologized because he said "Tar baby".

Barack Obama has introduced legislation to give men the chance to do the right thing, making it easier to be a responsible father.

Great. I am happy that he is making it easier for men to pay child support that they should be paying anyway. But what about us guys that have full custody and have mothers that don't pay child support? What about my rights as a father in Family Court? This bill is falling under great criticism amongst Father's Rights Advocates.

Finally we can't forget Hillary Clinton

Once again, more talk of making it easier to for the man to pay child support, but nothing of a Father's Rights in the Family Court system. Hillary also has some skeletons in her family tree when it comes to late child support payments.

What about Single Fathers who want to raise their child and be a part of their life? There are 2.5 million of us. 740,000 of us go without Child Support. The issue of Father's Rights in a biased court system seems to go undetected.

As a single father, I worry daily that my right as a single father may be taken away from me. That if the ex-wife decides that at some point she wants custody back, she can simply point a finger and make a false allegation, and Ohio's Court system will back her, just because she is "the better parent" according to their archaic views. I honestly think I would be back at square one.

This subject is extremely hard to research. Much like any other topic, it has it's extremists. Exploiting sexism, race and all the other things that really don't matter. I read such wonderful things as Hillary Clinton being in office would abominate any chances of Father's Rights because she is a woman. I also read such wonderful things as Barack Obama being being a black male will affect Father's rights. The subject is extremely heated, and with any heated subject, the morons seem to be the loudest.

I have personally lived this subject, and unfortunately I will tell you that at least in Ohio, a father who is going after full custody of his child is fighting an up hill battle, long before the first court date. It took me almost a month just to find a lawyer that would take the case and fight it rather than just attempt to get my child support payments as low as possible and accept defeat before I started.

I cringe when I hear of another deadbeat parent avoiding responsibility, especially when it's a father. This does absolutely nothing for the cause of father's who actually want to be a part of their child's life. I just wish that mentality that all men are incapable of taking care of children wouldn't carry over into a court system that should be unbiased, that should be concerned about what is in the best interest of the child, not about whether the custodial parent has a penis or not.

Family Courts in every state need an overhaul. The archaic thought process of the court system is outdated. We have a failing child support program on our hands, we have thousands of single parents going without justified child support payments because Family Courts and Child Services can't do their job correctly. I am sure there are many single mothers that can add their own horror story to this topic. Something definitely needs to be done to enhance this process, it's not going to get better on it's own.

DevilsReject has watched Finding Nemo approximately 1,562.75 times with his daughter and is looking forward to the next 1,562.75 times

God set aside today for the minions to read the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Many people have asked me over the years the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface. I believe anyone asking such a question is an Asshole Fuckface. Why can’t you just be happy with the current crop of Asshole Fuckfaces? Must we always live in the past? Did Eckhart Tolle go through intense suffering and come to a profound realization so idiots could constantly ramble about the past? No, he did not. Get the fuck over it.

I bring you the worst people on the Earth every week, so that you may feel better about yourself. The key to happiness is knowing others are beneath you, rolling around in their own filth. So, put on your vinyl hoodie and let’s get this bitch started.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface school security officer is roaming around the Bronx.

This incident came to light this week due to a lawsuit, but the actual Asshole Fuckfacery was committed in 2006. Two years ago, Jaden Diaz and Christopher Brito were a couple of four-year-olds in pre-school at CS 2211. They made the horrible mistake of refusing to take a nap during naptime. You don’t refuse to nap when Asshole Fuckfaces are in charge.

The substitute teacher took them into an empty classroom and left them alone. Did I mention they were both four? That’s when the school safety officer entered and HAND CUFFED THEM.

Nap, motherfucker! Nap or I will kill you!

Oh, he forgot to mention rape. Any four-year-old in prison is going to be raped. Now, go to sleep.

Next up, a group of Asshole Fuckfaces who define the term “blind faith.”

The rumors started a couple of months ago. The Virgin Mary was appearing in the Kottayam district of India. People began flocking to the site, to get a glimpse of Mother Mary, who was apparently in the sky. Exciting mysterious events were also happening in a house.

Last week, there was a “mad rush” to get to Kottayam. Hundreds of Asshole Fuckfaces came and looked into the sky, staring at the sun until they lost their sight.

It’s really a shame they weren’t actually able to jump into the sun.

Asshole Fuckfaces who have to be told not to stare at the sun until they can’t see don’t deserve sight. But apparently the warning and the hospitalizations aren’t stopping the faithful.

Keep up the good work, the Lord would be proud of you.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who refused to shit or get off the pot.

A couple of years ago, in Wichita, Kansas, Pam Babcock went to the bathroom. She never returned. I don’t want to make it sound like she disappeared in a ghost bathroom. Pam just went and sat down on the toilet and then decided that’s where she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

To make the story even more fucked up, it wasn’t even her house. She was at her boyfriend Kory McFarren's house. Kory did his best to get her to come out. As most of us would have done, he brought her food and water (not needed) and “asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.”

Yeah, tomorrow’s good. Finally, Kory called the cops -- after two fuckng years.

When the cops arrived, to say the situation did not look good would be an understatement.

Well, at least she had a place to shit. It’s called a silver lining people – don’t let anyone tell you I’m a cynic. Some people see a toilet bowl covered in lady, I see a toilet bowl... nevermind.

And yet, incredibly comfortable.

At some point in your life, you have to get off the toilet and face the world – or at least the couch. Or, just roll into the hallway.

Police have still not determined whether or not they will file charges against the boyfriend. Hopefully those two crazy kids can work it out. Although, I’m going to make a bold statement and say that their sex life was not great. Oh, God, I hope it was not great.

That boyfriend didn’t know when to draw the line. My next Asshole Fuckface was a bit too quick on the trigger.

A Chinese couple was married on February 2nd, but it didn’t last long. It was reported they fought a lot in their brief marriage and on March 4th, shared a bottle of booze after an argument. Oh, and dude had smelly feet.

I’m guessing his feet actually smell worse now. Burned flesh kind of reeks. The bride has been arrested.

Finally, we’re going to wrap up the Roundup with a bit more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sally Kern is an Oklahoma State Legislator. And her life is in jeopardy because she is brave enough to be Asshole Fuckface. Listen.



Sweet. Someone who is not an Asshole Fuckface recorded Sally and her speech was placed on the internet. Now, Sally is facing quite a bit of criticism -- but she is not backing down.

No, nothing hateful at all. You’re just a lady claiming that people’s sexual orientation will destroy our country. I don’t know how anybody could see that as hateful.

That's called Democracy and a difference of political opinions, sweetie. Kern has been fighting the Asshole Fuckface battle against gays for a long time. She entered the Oklahoma House in 2004 and attempted to block funding for libraries that "did not segregate books with homosexual or sexually explicit material from children's sections."

Like "Farmer Walter’s Magic Anus and The Sausage", for instance. Also, "Man Man, Rub Rub, Happy Happy," and "Those Balls Fit in My Mouth!"

Rumors are now surfacing that Sally may have a gay man-child. An online “gay news service” called Queerty is floating the rumor that her son, James Kern, may be gay James Kern.

Oh, my. Cruising toilets for gay sex at a Baptist University? How totally not shocking. James, of course, is denying his desire for sweet man anus.

Uh, what? I was with you when you said that first sentence, but then you drove the bus off a cliff and it burst into flames, smashed into a deep valley, exploded, turned into a ball of metal, crashed through the Earth’s crust, entered the inner core and destroyed the planet.

That’s how I know something has been taken out of context – putting my hands over my ears and screaming. Oh, I should also mention that Jimbo is 31. Sally’s done a fine job with that boy.

Dude, try anal. Seriously. Or a blowjob. Get your dick in something moist. In a matter of minutes you will know how so very wrong you are. Wait, turns out gay Jimmy does know.

Oh, dear. I do love the internets. Accept the cock, Jimmy. It’s your only way out of this mess.

Before I wrap up this Kern Asshole Fuckface nonsense, I feel I have to mention what Sally is up to in the Oklahoma State House. She is one of a few lawmakers pushing HB 2211. It’s a fantastic law.

So, a kid could just write, “God did it” on his geology test and get a passing grade. Fucking amazing.

Seacrest out.

Before the Iraq War, George Bush made sure to purge the military of all the naysayers. And by naysayers, I mean people who knew what they were talking about. The invasion was essentially run by a group of retards and the results were exactly as expected. Now Bush is purging the military of naysayers as he prepares to attack Iran.

The latest victim of Bush’s assault on thought and reason is Admiral William Fallon. Fallon “resigned” this week from his position as head of U.S. Central Command, after speaking his mind for months.

Fallon has been doing everything possible to stop what appears to be an inevitable attack on Iran – mostly because he realizes such an attack would be profoundly moronic. Last fall he took some heat for this juicy statement.

Ah, you just killed Cheney's boner. The neo-cons, who are desperate for more human life to be taken, were furious with Fallon. Never mind that the vast majority of those assholes have never and will never step foot on a battlefield. (Hi Dick Cheney.) Fallon was a lone voice of reason in a sea of bloodthirsty morons.

Fallon’s latest – and most damaging statements – were made to Esquire Magazine. The Admiral apparently saw the writing on the wall and decided to go all out. If you are in George Bush’s military, you have to agree with every decision, no matter how stupid or suicidal it may be. Fallon did not hold back in Esquire and the magazine summed up what the removal of Fallon might mean.

Fallon has this crazy idea that diplomacy should come before bombs and that everything should be done to attempt to avoid war. The White House, obviously, feels differently.

It must have been confusing for the White House to see an actual leader leading. Fallon knew he was upsetting them, but he continued to do the right thing, understanding it was going to end his career.

Indeed.



Only a year ago, Gates praised Fallon for his strategic thinking, while he announced the Admiral’s promotion to chief of Central Command.

Turns out he is exactly not right because of the “strategic thinking” thing. Now the one man who stood in the way of an all out attack on Iran is gone. He has been forced out, quite simply because he is too sane for George Bush. Fallon and Bush butted heads over three points that should not even be up for discussion.

1) Fallon believes that the indefinite occupation of Iraq is a disaster for the US military, 2) that diplomacy has a central role in American foreign and national security policy, 3) that war is not a credible policy for the US to pursue in dealing with Iran.

The crazy part of this story is that Bush promoted Fallon. Although, Bush has had to promote quite a few military officials because he has purged all of the sane ones. There has never been a modern administration that has removed so many of our military leaders because of slight disagreements. The words, “I’ll take that under advisement” don’t exist in the Bush White House. Bush rules the military like a dictator. Every move he has made has been to degrade the autonomy, independence, and institutional authority of the Pentagon to align it with his insanely narrow view of the world. The disaster known as the Iraq War is a direct result.

Bush replaced Fallon with General Stanley McChrystal, who was in charge of special operations in Iraq. “Special operations” is also known as dealing with Iran’s activities in Iraq. Fallon will not even continue on the job until his replacement takes over. He’s out before. That’s called being fired.

Oh, and Dick Cheney is on a tour of the Middle East right now, meeting with leaders. Anyone think Dick just heads out and chats leaders up? You’d be wrong. Dick is telling those who need to know that Iran is about to experience a nice dose of shock and awe.

Last year, Dick explained to the world why a second aircraft carrier task force was needed in the Persian Gulf.

An influence that never would have grown if you idiots hadn’t invaded Iraq. The Bush Administration blames Iran for “growing instability in the region,” otherwise known as the greatest irony of all time. Fallon was, of course, against sending another aircraft carrier to the Gulf.

Now look who is gone. And apparently Fallon is not alone.

What a great description of the President and Vice President of the United States of America. Makes me feel all warm inside. Sadly, it is the only way to describe two men who lied to get us into one war and our trying to lie to get us into another.

After the “Iran is meddling in Iraq” story didn’t work and the “Iran is trying to kill us with nuclear weapons” story fell apart, Bush went fucking crazy and tried to blame a Jewish Community Center bombing in Argentina on Iran. 86 people died in the bombing. Don’t remember it? That’s because it happened in 1994 – but that didn’t stop Bush from trying to pin it on Iran in January 2008.

Wow. Reach much? The Wall Street Journal broke the “story,” but also said the Bush Administration and Israel pushed Interpol to blame Iran. Of course, it was all bullshit.

Have these fucking morons ever learned a lesson? The answer is “No.” Neither have the idiot Republicans and Democrats in Congress, because just as they gave Bush the green light to attack Iraq, they gave him the go ahead to attack Iran.

After the “Iran is going to murder our babies with nuclear weapons” story fell apart, the Bush Administration changed tactics. They focused on Iran’s army: The Republican Guard. The White House claimed the entire Guard were terrorists and pushed Congress to label them as such. Congress went right along with the plan and lawmakers like Hillary Clinton voted to declare the Republican Guard a terrorist organization. Now, Bush has the green light to attack the Republican Guard wherever they are – which coincidentally is ALL OVER IRAN.

Fallon understood this and he was able to see the broader implications of attacking Iran. If you thought Iraq was bad, wait until they unveil Disaster II, Electric Boogaloo.

Thank God the media is around to tackle this enormous story and put it in perspective. I mean, a man was forced to retire and the implications could be that hundreds of thousands of human beings lose their lives.

Go get ‘em, journalists. Please find out if Spitzer used a condom or came on her tummy.

The treatment of Omar Khadr is an example of the monsters we have become in our “War on Terror.” Born in 1988 in Toronto, Khadr was raised by two, insane Muslim parents. They spent every moment preparing him for Jihad, telling him suicide bombers were the bestest of the best.

Sounds like my old man -- except he made me play baseball.

When Omar was two, the family moved to Pakistan. In 1992, the family moved back to Canada for three years because Dad stepped on a land mine and needed to recover. Shit happens during a Jihad, yo. Omar's father raised money for Al Qaeda and sent Khadr to get formal military training before he was 12. He spent most of his formative years in Al Qaeda camps and even spent time with Osama bin Laden in Jalalabad.

When the US attacked Afghanistan, Omar was fighting with the Taliban. Well, sort of fighting. At 14, his job was to wash clothes and cook for the actual fighters. On July 27, 2002, Khadr was sent to the village of Ab Khail to translate for Taliban fighters at a gathering. American forces arrived and a firefight broke out.

Khadr was captured and charged with throwing a grenade that killed Sgt. Christopher Speer. The Pentagon said that Khadr was the only one who could have killed Speer, because he was the only person alive at that point. Of course, the Pentagon was lying.

Khadr was 15 on that day. Check him out in all his glory.



The shooting left him blind in one eye. And Khadr’s fucked up life was only about to become a lot worse. Raised by animals, who filled his mind with poison and attempted to turn him into a killing machine, Khadr saw one way out.

No can do. We have to torture you and make you go crazy. Khadr was patched up and sent to Guantanamo for some civilized American treatment.

How about a little more detail?

In 2004, the U.S. called him an “enemy combatant” in a Summary of Evidence memo that was prepared for his Combatant Status Review Tribunal. A judge tossed the case out last year.

No problemo.

But just to make sure there are no further problems, Khadr is now an "unprivileged belligerent." “Unprivileged belligerents” apparently don't have the right to wage war.

I am constantly amazed at our retardation and incredible lack of humanity. I am, however, no longer amazed by our constant defying of our own laws and treaties.

But he’s 20 now, so I wouldn’t expect any sympathy from anyone. He’s a product of child abuse, raised by an insane family that tried to turn him into a suicide bomber. He is the reason many countries came together to create child soldier laws. But rather than being civilized, we have gone the other way. We have justified every lie Omar’s parents ever told him. We have erased any doubt he may have had that America must be destroyed. And we have given up any right to condemn another country when they torture our soldiers during war. We are no different than the supposed enemy we fight.

Omar Khadr will have another hearing next week. Maybe we should ask him if he wants to continue to live like a rat, or if he would rather die. But, then, that would show a glimmer of humanity.