[Editor's note: OhSoOrdinary submitted this article from Iraq, where she is currently serving with the U.S. Army.]

A great deal of our mission here is psychological. The Iraqi people need to believe that siding with us serves their interests better than siding with the insurgents and the militias. That’s why we run humanitarian aid missions and build infrastructure in their towns and villages. Those big, expensive, time-consuming overtures of friendship do very little to help us when things like this happen. I was in the cafeteria when I first saw this story on CNN's The Situation Room. I was horrified.

Are you serious? Why don’t you just shoot me instead, guy?

When a story like this breaks, two things happen: violence in that area goes up and locals lose trust in us. One stupid ass is all it takes to undermine everything we’re trying to do out here. That’s why that elaborate ceremony was held with generals and television cameras. It’s a really big deal. But, when I saw this story, that’s not what I was thinking about. I wasn’t really thinking. I was looking around. I was listening. Just about everyone’s eyes were on the television. The reactions were all very striking to me.

Just like that cafeteria full of soldiers, I have mixed feelings when I see stories like this. My first feeling was that of annoyance. Public opinion of the war and the troops isn’t exactly awesome and this doesn’t help. All the militant liberals who believe we’re all a bunch of villains with blood on our hands raise these stories up and say, “See! Look at the bastardly bastards!” It’s so hurtful to be seen that way by our fellow citizens when the children of this foreign country smile at us and wave when we drive by.

But then I was angry. This jerk has undone so much legwork by so many other service members. All those joes who ran patrols and all those Humint teams who developed rapports with the sheiks and tribal leaders may just as well have stayed on the FOB. Now, whoever has to run missions in Radwaniyah is in even more danger. The herder who would have warned them of that man who had been digging by the road that morning might not speak up this time. The shop owner who always tells them when new people move into the village might just keep things to himself this time. They might be all on their own.

Later that evening, because it is within my nature to do so, I found myself trying to understand this Staff Sergeant. It wasn’t hard. Hating all of them is very easy.

There is a profound sense of kinship in the military. Calling it strong is a gross understatement. Calling it profound is an understatement still. Before we deploy, we spend a year or so living and working with the same people. They become our brothers and our sisters. Then, we all leave for a country full of people who want to kill us. When we land on our FOB, we make a silent and largely subconscious promise to each other: “I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to make sure you’re okay and we’re going to come home together.”

When that promise is broken, it is a kind of pain that I cannot easily describe to you. Everyone experiences it differently, but for me it manifested itself first with anguish and guilt. It tore at my insides and sorrow bled into my soul. It changed into anger. I was so angry at the person who set that IED. He killed my Crouch. He killed my brother. I didn’t know who he was, but I hated him.

I’ve only lost one brother. I’ve only broken one promise. But over 4,000 promises have been broken over the last five years and I can understand how that hate for the person who took your brother could infect the rest of your psyche. It could make you call them towelheads. It could make you exploit the language barrier to make jokes about them. It could make you look for a reason – any reason at all – to pop off a few rounds. It could make you lust for revenge. It could. But, it shouldn’t.

Members of the Armed Services are very often held in high regard. As such, we are constantly reminded that each one of us represents all of us. So, when an unnamed Staff Sergeant plants a few rounds in a Quran, in the eyes of the public, we all do. That’s unfortunate, because the vast majority of us make a choice contrary to this Staff Sergeant. We choose to retain our humanity.

It’s easy to dehumanize an entire race of people when you think they’re trying to kill you. Especially when they all look the same. Especially when there’s a language barrier. Especially when they follow the rules you and yours have set for them. It’s really easy to see them and the things they love as a little less than human and a little less than precious. It’s easy. It’s really easy. But it’s not right.

It’s not right to use Qurans for target practice. It’s not right to massacre entire families for revenge. It’s not right to throw puppies off cliffs. It’s not right to treat detainees like animals. It’s not right to sacrifice one’s humanity by succumbing to hatred.

Members of the Armed Services are very often held in high regard, but we are a microcosm of society. All I ask is that you remember that for every Soldier, Marine, Sailor or Airman who succumbs to hatred, there are ten thousand of us who do not.

[Hat tip: Argene]

OhSoOrdinary can't wait to go home, wash her hands of this whole mess, and start her bright, shiny, new life.

Holy shit, who invited a man to the party? Yesterday, Barack Obama stood up and acted more like a man than any presidential candidate I’ve ever seen. The Republican Party in Tennessee decided it would be a super idea to attack Michelle Obama, but Barack told them to back their shit up. And it was impressive.



I like the end, just before he remembered to smile. That was a, "Keep it up and I'm going to kick the shit out of you" moment.

That clip will go down as one of the most important in this campaign. That’s what men who care about their wives do. Nobody gets to talk shit about my wife or disrespect her while I’m around. It’s just not going to happen. Maybe that’s chauvinistic, I don’t really give a shit. You want to talk shit about my wife, you better be prepared for what you have coming. End of fucking story.

The Republicans seem to think being a tough guy means attacking countries that have no ability to defend themselves against our incredible firepower – or to talk a big game. George Bush’s “Bring it on” comment is a pretty classic example, as was his ridiculously stupid invasion of Iraq. All the right wing talking heads lap it up and proclaim the Democrats to be weak, spineless creatures. At the same time, these big bad GOP men launch endless verbal assaults against Democratic politician’s families.

One needs only look at the attacks on Hillary Clinton while Bill was in charge of the White House. It was endless. And they even went after Chelsea Clinton. In 1998, John McCain made a joke about Chelsea at a Senate fundraiser.

For me, this is Sonny Corleone time. If I was Bill Clinton, I'd get on a plane, fly to wherever the old man is and break his nose. Obviously, the president can’t do that. But I'd sure as hell call him out. I’d call a press conference, walk out to the White House lawn and tell McCain to come on up and say it to my face. I’d look into the cameras and make sure America heard one thing:

Besides being the right thing to do, it would score so many political points it would be insane. Most men in America would want to kick the shit out of a grown man who called their daughter ugly. This was the most relatable moment Barack Obama has ever had.

This is the kind of shit Republicans have been able to get away with for years – and it needs to stop now, with Michelle Obama. This latest attack will go down as a tremendous backfire. Barack knows how to frame it. Honestly, I got a little tingly watching it. My wife called me and said, “That’s exactly what you would say.” It is. Barack Obama just stood up and acted like any other man who cared about his wife would. Welcome to the world of relatable politics, you calculating GOP fucks.

Attacks on a politician’s family are the ultimate act of cowardice. I don’t give a shit if McCain was shot down over Vietnam and then spent five years as a POW; his entire slate was erased when he made a public joke about Chelsea Clinton. The man is a fucking coward. He’s trash. Let’s take a look at the difference between how the two men treat their wives. From 1992...

Sorry, when I get tired I call my wife a "cunt." That man is common trash. That moment was witness by three reporters. I’ve got some man rules in my head and that doesn’t match up with any of them. It does meet my "weak fuck" criteria, however.

Obama seems to be cut from a different cloth. It’s rare to see a politician have an uncalculated moment of honesty, but I’ve seen more from Obama in his short time in the spotlight than all other politicians combined. One thing is for sure – yesterday we saw a man stand up and tell a bunch of punks to back the fuck up off his lady. And that man just won over a lot of men in America. The game just changed. Thanks, GOP, for being a bunch of classless cowards.

FearTheReaper understands this is a feminist website, but on some shit he’s old fashioned. Deal with it.

Welcome. Welcome to Asshole Fuckface day. It’s a great day because you don’t have to dress up or give anyone gifts, but you do have responsibilities. You must read about this week’s worst humans on Earth and laugh at their heinous stupidity. Then crawl into a corner and cry for a while. So, put on your fat suit, because this is going to be nasty.

My first Asshole Fuckface doesn’t deserve testicles.

Meet David Ashton, 32, of Bell Close, England. He’s a driving instructor and he has... uh…weird hobbies. Ashton enjoys meeting teenage girls in Internet chat rooms, then picking them up and driving them into the woods. At that point, he engages in “a series of sex acts” with the underage girls. But that’s not the bad part. He would then get them to kick him in the nuts.

There are guys out there who don’t have nuts. They lost them in accidents or due to cancer. It’s a shame to see someone blessed with nuts treating them in such a fashion. But apparently, getting your sack kicked by a group of teenage girls is awesome and Ashton had a second go at it.

Eventually, Ashton would wrap it up, because, well, you know...

No shit.

Mr. Testicle Kickee is facing conviction two counts of sexual activity with a child, four of causing or enticing a child to engage in sexual activity and five of making indecent photographs of children. I guess nobody thought to make a more specific “nut kicking” a law.

Next up, our very own Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.

Ah, American’s crazy Christians, they are the gift that just keeps giving. They know where to focus their Jesus love and how to care for others. They are constantly fighting the good fight and protecting us from… cups.

Must be a picture of a dude cutting someone’s head off. Or maybe someone blowing a kid's head off with a shotgun? Possibly the logo is of a man standing over a freshly killed body, holding the corpse's intestines over his head? Nope. It’s a mermaid.

Slutbucks? Oh, I get it; you’re a total fucking retard. Here’s the deal, Mark. Go to Wal-Mart. Purchase some thread, a needle, some liquid steel and a hammer. Now, go back home and sit down at your dinner table. Take the liquid steel and pour it in your ears. Next, take the thread and sew your eyes shut. Finally, reach out and pick up the hammer and then smash it into your skull as hard as you can.

The Resistance (Jesus, lighten the fuck up) has 3,000 Asshole Fuckfaces nationwide and they are calling for a boycott. I would like to make the opposite request. I’d like to ask people to buy a cup of coffee, then walk outside, put it on the sidewalk and jerk off to the hot, hot picture of the mermaid who has palm tree legs and no vagina.

The logo is a less revealing version of Starbuck’s original logo and is supposed to signify the chain returning to its roots.

My next Asshole Fuckface is an eight-year-old girl.

Eight-year-old girls can get into all sorts of mischief, like wearing explosives, blowing themselves up and killing Iraqi soldiers. That is what happened this week in Iraq.

Oh, wait. She didn’t blow herself up. I feel like a total asshole for blaming her. It was remotely detonated. Those fucking monsters! How could they do that to a child! She was so young, just...

Wait, what? I thought she was eight?

Oh. Boo. I was totally excited to hate those terrorists more. Still, that’s pretty fucked up. That girl was still in high school, probably on the local drill team. A fucking high school kid, God dam it. Those fucking terrorists!

God damn it. Every few hours this girl keeps getting older. They age so fast, don’t they? Especially when the military is attempting to use them as propaganda - as if you need to embellish a suicide bomber story. This is good-old fashioned propaganda, just like the “mentally retarded bomber” story from a couple months back that yours truly fell for.

The first mention of the eight-year-old suicide bomber was in the Metro UK, at around 4 pm London time - several hours after the incident. The sources were, in order, an Iraqi Army spokesman, US soldiers, the military, and Iraqi Army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali. Stories that come from military sources are the definition of propaganda. It was printed hours after the bombing and could have easily been verified – and should have been. It wasn’t until other reporters started poking around that the story changed. But now, “Eight-year-old suicide bomber” lives on forever on the Internet, for right wing morons to use in their eternal war against Islam.

Incidentally, those guys who blew up the 18-year-old – also Asshole Fuckfaces.

My final Asshole Fuckface is a bad phone answerer.

This week we learned something important: If you need to call 911 in Nashville, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. Shelia Jones discovered that the hard way when she called 911 in February because her crazy ex-boyfriend broke into her house with a knife.

Well, that doesn’t sound good. At least the crazy fuck went outside – but still, dude had a knife. Better get the cops there immediately, right? Not so much. Sheila continued to call 911, but still no police came.

Two and a half hours later….

Oh, come on now! It’s only been two hours and thirty minutes since your ex-boyfriend broke into your house with a knife. A local news station found out where the cop who should have been helping her actually was.

Naturally. Ever wonder what a 911 operator says after you hang up? Turns out – it’s not so great.

Clearly. Oh, and please die. Thanks.

Sheila finally called the mayor’s office and police showed up pronto – if you consider “pronto” to be three hours. That’s how long it took police to arrive after her first call to 911. The 911 operator is no longer employed. Turns out he was a trainee and he flunked his final exam. Thank God he had an opportunity to learn on the job.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a free FearTheReaper bow tie.

The big news during this primary season is not Barack Obama, but the shit kicking Republicans have taken in three Congressional districts. Illinois, Louisiana and Mississippi have given the GOP a glimpse of the future – and it is one ugly sight for the right wing. In each of these states, a Republican stronghold district was holding a special election because the GOP incumbent retired. And in each district, the Republicans lost to a Democrat. Losing in these areas would be like a Democrat losing in San Francisco. Expect a brutal bloodbath in November.

It’s the perfect storm. Republicans are stuck with the most unpopular president of all time, an unpopular war, a horrible economy and a fired up Democratic base. Many GOP lawmakers are retiring because their orgy days in Congress are over. So far, 30 Republicans lawmakers have retired or won’t seek re-election, compared to only 7 Democrats. Turns out the GOP suddenly found themselves unpopular with lobbyists and voters, alike.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert announced his retirement last year and his seat was up for grabs during the March 5th Illinois primary. Republicans spent a massive $1.2 million on a seat that they held for two decades. That amounted to 20% of the Republican Congressional Committee’s total cash on hand – and they were spending it in a district that hadn’t been competitive for decades. In 2004, Bush won the district 55%-44%. This is deep in Republican land.

Yet, local businessman and Democrat Bill Foster won the seat easily, with 53% of the vote. Not a good sign for John McCain, who campaigned and raised money for the Republican loser. And not a good sign for the GOP “Iraq is going super” mantra. Foster is strongly opposed to the war, while the Republican loser kept saying the surge was working. Not so much.

Next up on the Republican shame train was May 5th in Louisiana. Republican Richard Baker retired from Congress after 11 terms. The district he represented had been in GOP control for 33 years and, like Hastert’s seat, was largely a conservative and rural district. Serious Republican country – or it was, anyway.

Republicans also spent heavily in this Louisiana special election, dropping $1 million on radio and TV ads trying to link Democratic candidate Don Cazayoux to Barack Obama (black guy) and Nancy Pelosi (lady). FAIL. Cazayoux squeaked by with a 49% to 46% victory. That is an incredibly pathetic number for a Republican candidate in a conservative district, one that was actually redrawn in 2000 to make it even “more reliably Republican.” Richard Baker had won the previous 2 races with 72% and 83% and in 2004, Bush won with 59% of all votes. Now Republicans aren’t even hitting that all-important 50% number. Welcome to the world of grim.

Finally, on Tuesday night, Democrat Travis Childers easily beat his Republican opponent in a conservative Mississippi district. By “easily,” I mean 54% - 46%. That’s a fucking ridiculous number for a Democrat in a Republican stronghold and means a serious anal rape for the GOP come November.

This was as safe a seat as Republicans have. In 2004, the district voted for Bush by a margin of 62% to 37%. The GOP had a decent candidate named Greg Davis, who didn’t bring any baggage. Trent Lott, Mike Huckabee, Dick Cheney and Haley Barbour all showed up and campaigned with Davis. The Republican Congressional Committee spent $1.3 million, Davis spent over a million and Freedom Watch spent $500,000. And they went as pathetic as possible with their ads.



Black guy, black guy, lady! Oh, my God!

And yet, it resulted in a spectacular Republican FAIL. It is inconceivable that Republicans lost this seat and a harbinger of doom. The GOP can do nothing to stop the brutal devastation heading their way. Well, that’s not true, they can lube up and relax their sphincters. EVERY Republican seat is now officially in play. You will see them attack each other and even their God, George Bush. It only took 8 hours for a Republican House member to take a shot at El Presidente.

Tommy is the representative for the city of Babytown. Here’s a tip, Tommy: For the past eight years, when Bush was putting forth the most retarded policies of all time, you probably shouldn’t have been tickling his balls and taking his load into your mouth. When Americans turned against the war, you probably shouldn’t have done everything in your power to keep it going. When Bush put forth his insane tax cuts during a time of war, you probably shouldn’t have acted like they were the second coming of Jesus. You are spineless, deluded cunts and the suffering coming your way is of your own making.

And just in case you don't get it, here’s where you stand, you ignorant shit beast.

The public believes Democrats are better than Republicans on most important issues by massive margins.

On the economy, Democrats now have a 14-point advantage over the Republicans.

On Government Ethics and Corruption - 45% now trust Democrats, while just 26% prefer the GOP.

On National Security and the War on Terror, 49% of voters now trust the Democrats more, while 42% trust the Republicans more.

On Iraq, Democrats hold an 11-point lead over the Republicans.

Congressional Republicans can blame Bush all they want, but they are at fault spending the past eight years acting like NAMBLA on a boy fuck-trip to Bangkok. Without a care in the world, they plundered our country and indulged in the most selfish and unethical acts democratically elected officials could. They aren’t even a party anymore. The GOP is a just a brothel, created to service corporate cocks in their angry, wet holes. Let the suffering begin.

When the Democratic primaries began I was afraid the party faithful would pick Hillary Clinton as the nominee. She would have lost handily to any Republican nominee and energized the right wing base, creating coattails for GOP gains in Congress. As the primaries continued, it became apparent that Hillary probably wasn’t going to win the nomination. Yet, she continued. I then became angry at her campaign’s obvious racism and ugly tactics. Finally, she began attacking Obama like she was Karl Rove. At that point, I went from anger to hate. I despised the demon with every fiber in my body. But, again, my feelings have changed. Now I am bewildered and confused by her inability to face reality.

Her actions remind me of a couple of situations. The first is the execution of Ricky Ray Rector in 1992. Ricky killed a cop and then shot himself in the head. He survived, but was basically lobotomized. On the night of his execution, he set aside his desert (pecan pie) so he could come back and eat it when he returned from the electric chair. There may not be a more appropriate analogy for Hillary than Rickey Ray Rector. The only situation that comes close occurred in England during the time of King Arthur.



The race for the presidency was over in February. Then it was really, really over on March 5th, after the Ohio and Texas primaries. There was just no way Hillary would ever catch him in delegates after that day. But she kept on going. Six weeks later, she actually won Pennsylvania by 9 points, which only set her back further, and yet she continued on, in a delusional stupor. Finally, on May 6th, Hillary lost the nomination when Obama crushed her in North Carolina and tied her in Indiana. Now, everyone knows Hillary has lost - except Hillary.

The media declared the race over.

Yet, that did not stop Hillary. She has decided to continue on, despite this little thing called reality. And even though one of America’s main polling institutions has decided to just stop asking polling questions about her.

Well, that’s no reason to stop, is it? Hillary’s only hope is to convince the Superdelegates to overturn the will of the people and vote for her. She apparently is unaware that her 108 Superdelegate lead has evaporated and she now trails trails Obama in the party insider vote.

Since last Tuesday, Obama has picked up 20 Superdelegates and Hillary has picked up 1.5. And now Obama’s spokesman is sending out emails, seeking staff for the upcoming general election.

Just a guy who won the Democratic primary staffing up to take on the other party’s nominee, while a bag lady runs around in the alley screaming, “I’m the nominee, I’m the nominee.”

Obama has moved on. He’s no longer running against Hillary. Today he will fly to Michigan, where he will meet with state leaders to discuss seating the state’s delegates. Obama is doing so because he WON the Democratic primary.

The Obama campaign will not be fighting too hard for the final Democratic delegates. They don’t need to. They have decided to turn their attention John McCain – mostly because he’s the only opponent left.

Nothing to worry about, Hillary. Don’t pay attention to the fact that Obama is ignoring you and campaigning in Florida and Missouri.

Tuesday - Cape Giradeau, Missouri
Wednesday – Macomb County and Grand Rapids, Michigan
Friday – South Dakota
Saturday and Sunday – Oregon
Next week – Tampa, Orlando, Palm Beach County and Miami

This is the point in the movie where drunk brother keeps trying to fight sober brother, who wants nothing to do with it.

EXT. LAWN.

The brothers square off on the law. Sober Brother slowly backs up. Drunk Brother lunges and swings wildly at Sober Brother. Sober Brother easily ducks the blow.

SOBER BROTHER
I’m not going to fight you.

DRUNK BROTHER
You think you’re better than me?!

SOBER BROTHER
Stop. Dad wouldn’t want this.

Drunk Brother lunges again. Sober brother steps to the left. Drunk Brother misses and collapses face down in the flowerbed.

Sober Brother takes Drunk Brother’s car keys out of his pocket.

DRUNK BROTHER
(Sobbing into dirt)
Dad loved me more.

SOBER BROTHER
You can wash up in the bathroom. I put some sheets on the couch.

Sober Brother enters the house he alone inherited from their father.

DRUNK BROTHER
I’m sleeping right here. In my flowerbed! Forever!

FADE TO SADNESS

Like most drunks, Hillary isn’t so good with her money, either. She’s $20 million in the hole – and her enablers are telling her to keep the party going.

Right, no reason – except she lost. And she’s broke. And 11-year-old kids are selling their bikes to keep the party going.

This has moved from distressing to absurd to pathetic. Hillary Clinton is a walking, talking joke. Every time she enters a room, people should say, “Dead man walking.” Maybe then she’ll start to figure it out. I mean, I doubt it, but at least it's something.

Many people fear Asshole Fuckfaces and spend their lives hiding and cowering from the worst humanity has to offer. That’s where I come in. For centuries, my people have shown a light on the most hideous among us, so that we may know their identity and protect ourselves accordingly. Each week, I scour the Earth looking for the worst of the worst and present them to you, so that you may mock and scorn them, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So, put on your favorite plastic hoodie and prepare yourself for a dip into Lake Disgusting.

First up, Philadelphia is no stranger to Asshole Fuckacery, but the city of brotherly love managed to reach new lows this week.

Police witnessed a shooting while conducting a drug surveillance operation in the Hunting Park section of Philadelphia. Four men in a car shot at and injured three people standing on a street corner. One of the suspects escaped on foot, while the three others sped away in a car. Police pursued and caught them. That’s when the Asshole Fuckfacery started.



Welcome to the world of cameras! You’re probably going to get to know those guys better in the yard. Oh, and way to make three attempted murderers rich. That’ll teach ‘em.

Thirteen of the cops have been suspended. The beating victims have been charged with assault, conspiracy and reckless endangerment. The beatings occurred two days after a police officer was shot to death during a bank robbery. Hey, maybe next time try therapy.

Next up, South African Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a way to deal with lesbians.

South Africa is seeing an “alarming rise” in the number of “corrective rapes.” What are “corrective rapes” you ask? Well, get out your barf bag and take a look.

Well, that’s about as awful a sentence as I have ever read in my life. Apparently the problem is especially acute in the Western Cape area. Corrective rape is mostly taking place in schools and is often a student on student crime. The University of South Africa recently did a study and concluded “schools are unsafe places for many lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered learners.”

But the entire country has a serious problem with lesbian rape. Recently a lesbian football player named Eudy Simeland was gang raped, repeatedly stabbed and killed after returning from a night out. Many South African communities also believe it is acceptable for a man for force himself on a woman if she ignores his come-ons.

Remind me never to go to South Africa. Also, remind me not to grow a vagina.

Next up, some soldiers in Iraq doing an awesome job of Asshole Fuckfacery.



Oh, man, how funny is it to kill dogs? Apparently it’s hilarious. Keep up the good work, boys. Shit likes this makes the military look awesome. And by all means – fucking film that shit and put it up on You Tube. Can’t see how that might be a problem.

Next up, there really are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces in the world than the ones who run Burma.

Burma was hit by a cyclone last week and death tolls are estimated up to 100,000. The country is completely devastated. Entire villages have been washed away and people have no food or medicine. It could not be a worse or more horrific situation. Yet, the military government refuses to allow aid workers into the country.

A few planes carrying aid have been allowed into the country – but far fewer than what is needed. The military is only using 7 helicopters to distribute the aid throughout the devastated nation. These Asshole Fuckfaces are simply evil.

By all means, take a break. You’ve been working hard with all the killing of monks and whatnot.

And the final Asshole Fuckface in video. (It's only a 3:21 video, don't know what happened and I can't fix it)

The White House admitted in a court of law this week that it blatantly broke the law and... nobody gives a shit. Late on Sunday night, the criminals known as the Bush Administration acknowledged in a court filing that they don’t have backup tapes of emails between March 1 and May 22, 2003. Nothing much happened during that time, except the build up to the Iraq War. As a matter of fact, May 22nd just happens to be the day the UN gave formal approval to the US occupation of Iraq. How unlucky is that? And, it turns out we have something called the Presidential Records Act, which is a law that requires the president to save all his records. Thank God nobody gives a shit about our president breaking the law.

Yeah, that's a bummer Tommy. Did you see the Laker game?

Two non-profit organizations are suing the White House to recover any missing emails and to create a more effective email archiving system. (That basically means, don’t throw your hard drives in the shitter.) Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics (CREW) and the National Security Archive (NSA) are the two groups on this mission of failure.

Up until Sunday, there were quite a few contradictory reports coming from the administration. They said they had them, then they didn’t have them, then they did, then they recycled the back up tapes, then they were lost in a boat accident, then they were killed in Russia and finally, the court was told the emails got drunk and took off in a Jeep. None of those statements turned out to be true. The court asked the White House to clear up the confusion and state exactly which backup tapes it did and did not have from March 2003 to October 2005. Finally, late Sunday night, the White House came clean and said they had totally blown it. I believe they used the legal term, “My bad” and the US media responded with the journalistic expression, “No worries.”

In October 2003, the White House stopped their “policy” of recycling backup tapes. All tapes after that date have been preserved. Up until that point, it’s a bit spotty. In 2003, no tapes exist for March thru May and for the months May thru September the number of existing tapes is extremely low.

It’s been 2 ½ years since the White House “realized” there was a problem with the archiving system – and they are still trying to say they don’t know whether many emails are missing or not. The White House is clearly trying to run out the clock, knowing nothing will be done to punish them once they are gone. After Bush leaves the White House, the Republican media machine will go bat shit crazy if anyone investigates their obvious criminal activity and the Democrats will cower in a corner and shake. But, hey, the worst thing they did was commit an act of treason, so no big.

At this point, CREW and NSA want the judge to issue a ruling that forces the White House to copy email archive files from all electronic sources. It may actually happen now that the Administration has admitted that they “can’t find” a couple months worth of emails.

Go America!

Last week, John McCain proposed an idea so incredibly stupid that Hillary Clinton decided to jump on board the next day. McCain and Clinton want to have a “gas tax holiday," which is a retarded way of saying they want to suspend the 18.4-cent-per-gallon federal gas tax and the 24.4-cent diesel tax between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

They say it would save Americans 10 billion dollars! Wow! That’s awesome. Until you use your brain, do a little math and realize $10 billion divided by America equals around 30 bucks each. Thirty bucks is now also known as a half a tank of gas. But then you lose that 30 bucks in damage done to your car by under funded roads.

Barack Obama is opposed to the gastard holiday – mostly because he’s not a pandering moron. That means Hillary gets to call him an elitist and say he’s out of touch with the average American. Just so we understand this situation, a lady who is worth $134 million dollars is saying that a guy worth $4 million is out of touch because he doesn’t want to give people $30 for an entire summer.



Yummy, yummy rich people. What a tool she is. Never mind that she was against a gas tax holiday in 2000.

And that guy named Bill Clinton used to be against this idea.

Why didn’t Bill think the savings would be passed on to customers? Two reasons: First, gas companies are evil and they will just up the prices. Second, when you eliminate the gas tax, demand goes up, and then the price will go back up to what it was before the tax. It’s called economics. But, Hillary doesn’t want economics to get in the way.

Oh, Christ, someone shoot me in the face. Please fucking kill me. I can’t take how stupid these people are.

Hillary is, of course, attempting to use it as a wedge issue in ads.



You go girl! Best way to win the Democratic nomination is to become a Republican!

The McCaintards are also taking swipes at Obama for wanting an economically sound policy.

Right. Obama did support a gas tax holiday. That’s why he’s against it now, you fucking dipshit. God, why can’t I shit in the mouths of guys like this? Just once, I want to crouch over one of these guy’s faces and crap in their dumb hole. Amen.

Back in 2000, when prices were going apeshit and hitting $2 a gallon, Illinois politicians decided to give people a break. Obama and other lawmakers voted for a six-month holiday from the state’s 5-cent gas tax. The state lost $175 million in revenue, while the actual savings was only 3 cents per gallon because oil companies just upped prices.

So, the McCain campaign is calling Obama a flip-flopper because he had the audacity to make a mistake and LEARN from it. Good stuff. McCain and Clinton are the worst kind of politicians in this instance. They are panderers attempting to take advantage of Americans who are having a hard time. They are playing to the emotions and vulnerabilities of people who are having major economic difficulties – which makes McCain and Clinton scum.

Nearly every economist agrees that the gas tax holiday would be a total disaster. Gas prices would simply adjust back up to where they were before the tax break. And it would have a profound negative effect on our roads and highways.

Oh, hey, people work on roads and highways? You mean that $10 billion in tax revenue that goes to improve roads leads to jobs? Holy shit! Who would have thunk?

But I'm coming from a different place. I believe gas should be expensive. I think Detroit needs to build some decent cars that get over 5 miles per gallon. Right now American car makers are living in a fantasy land, a world that ceased to exist years ago. I think we need to drive less and think of alternative ways to get around. We need to invest in the energy-efficient and climate-friendly transportation alternatives. We are addicted to artificially cheap fuel and the best solution is to change how we operate.

A true leader would stand up and say, “America, you need to only drive out of necessity for one week. Those that can take the bus or a train, will. Those who can work from home, will. Those who can ride a bike, will. Those who can walk, will walk. Let's take a holiday from gas. Only by cutting our consumption will we lower prices.”

But that would take a leader, not a pandering fuck monkey.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black - that's the world of The Lord of the Rings, written more than two centuries after my death. Nevertheless, I read it last week - as what you call an eBook. Downloading such a huge oeuvre into the 18th century with a steam-powered computer is a pain in the ass - but it was worth it.

Personally, I love this book. It's very creative and rich, one of the best stories I've ever read. It's basically kind of a huge fairytale (or "literary legend" if you prefer this expression).

But that's the point: It's a fairytale. In a fairytale, it's natural to have "Good" fighting against "Evil". In a fairytale, Good and Evil are not question of behaviour, not a question of ethics, but a question of nature. Elves are good by nature, Orcs are evil by nature. Gandalf and Aragorn are good by nature, Sauron and the Nazgûl are evil by nature. As in this kind of story, good guys naturally ally with other good guys against evil guys, good and evil become also a question of sides:

Good = Us, Evil = Them

The good guys are good because they kill the evil guys, and the evil guys are evil because they kill the good guys. A very simple and clear principle. This is how fairytales work.

But what about reality? Can this conception of "Good" and "Evil" be transferred into real life? Would Gandalf be "good" in a world where goodness is - or should be - measured by ethics? Maybe not. He manipulates people. He is friends with fanatic racist Aragorn who kills orcs just for being orcs. He tortures Gollum to retrieve information. He abandons his "friends" always when they need him most. He may be even a liar. (Mister Gandalf, if you were really held prisoner on the top of Isengard, how did you get your wand back?) And power-hungry as he is, he goes far beyond his orders to "help and assist" and becomes the leader of the alliance against Sauron. (Gandalf - ripped out of the fairytale context - makes me believe that there is only one thing worse than a fanatic who pretends being sent by the gods : a fanatic who really is.)

In fact, Gandalf reminds me a real-world person who also wears a beard, a dress, and a funny hat, who feels also he has been send by some divinity, who also is full of hatred on what he considers the "Empire of Evil", and who also sends naïve innocents on suicide missions to destroy what's most precious to his enemies :



As said, this is only under the hypothesis that Gandalf would be torn out of the "fairytale" context. As character in The Lord of the Rings, I like and admire Gandalf.

But I'm digressing. The point is, you can't transfer the "Good vs. Evil" schema from The Lord of the Rings to reality. In reality, "Good" is not a question of what flag you are fighting under, it's a question of ethics, of behaviour. If you define "Good = Us, Evil = Them", you are applying exactly the same logic as Al-Qaeda.

When you run over some creature with a green face in Middle Earth, you can assume that it is evil, and kill it the most cruel way that comes to your mind; it will be okay. But you can't do the same in reality. Here's a photo of a real person with a green face:



His name is Omar Khadr, he is 15. His face is green because he just got shot into the back by a US soldier, twice. He is more or less what you call a "child soldier", and his only sin was that he maybe did what soldiers are supposed to do: kill enemy soldiers. The shooting left him blind in one eye. And as he lies there, his life is just about to become worse: he will be sent to Guantanamo, and, among other humiliations, be used as a human mop to clean urine on the floor..

Jesus said: "What you did to the least of my brothers, you have done to me." (Matthew 25:40) Think about it. I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the Last Judgment, having used Jesus as human mop will not speak in favour of the jailors of Guantanamo.

That's not how I treat my prisoners of war, and I would have executed every officer of mine who treated prisoners this way. Don't these jailors have any honour? Why do they treat their prisoners like human scum, even children? The answer why they do so is, maybe, in one of the first responses to the article I mentioned:

Frightening. That's exactly the attitude that led me to the writing of this article. We are not in LotR - this is reality. And in reality, "good" and "bad" are not questions of sides, but of ethics. And using a prisoner of war as a human mop to clean urine on the floor is not what I call an ethical behaviour.

(Oh, and by the way: Renaming "prisoners of war" into "enemy combatants" to avoid written or unwritten conventions about the treatment of prisoners of war does not help anything.)

Don't misunderstand me: I'm not telling you to turn your swords into ploughshares. I'm not telling you to make peace, not war. Wars have ever existed and will ever exist. I'm currently making war against Austrian Habsbourg and their allies.

But please, please, stop claiming that you are fighting because you are the good guys and they are the bad guys. They are your enemies, but they are not evil for being your enemies. I have probably made more wars than most of you, and I can tell you this: since the dawn of mankind, no war has ever been made for ethics. Wars are made for politics, ideology, territory and such. There is no such thing as a "good vs. evil" war.

Pardon? You don't agree? The War of Secession, to free the poor slaves? Nonsense. This war will be fought to save the Union, not to free the slaves.

Abraham Lincoln will write in 1862:

That's what was (will be) behind this war - everything else is war propaganda. In fact, every time someone tells you that you are the good guys and that he wants you to fight the evil guys, you can be pretty sure that it's war propaganda. Bin Laden tells the same thing to his people.

I feel that you still don't agree. I feel that you will object that I'm not well informed down here in 1708, that in your time, at least one intervention of America was a "Good vs. Evil" fight: The intervention in WW2, as it stopped a genocide. I agree that it did stop the genocide - but this was not the reason, it was a side-effect. America didn't intervene because Hitler was slaughtering the Jews - it intervened because he was taking over Europe. If the Allies would have wanted to stop the genocide, they would have bombarded the railroad to Auschwitz with their flying machines, but they didn't. So, stopping the "Evil" was not a priority. Stopping the growth of a rival superpower in Europe was. It wasn't about ethics, it was about politics. As always.

You see, I'm not that uninformed. I might live in 1708, but I've got Internet. However, with a terrible bandwidth.

That's why I think that the meaning of the words "Good" and "Evil" in The Lord of the Rings are not the same as in reality. And that's why I think you should not read this book unless you do realize this difference. This is a wonderful book, but dangerous if read by the simple minds. You are not Elrond, people, I'm not King Aragorn, and Omar Khadr is not an orc. We are all humans who have to question every step we do, and we will once be judged by what we did, not by what flag we were fighting for.

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black, America and Al-Qaeda, GIs and Terrorists, Christendom and Islam, Good and Evil - do you really think it is so simple?

Given at Versailles in the month of May, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Asshole Fuckfacery is very important. It gives us something to look down upon, so that we may feel better about ourselves. There would actually be no point of living without Asshole Fuckfaces crawling about the Earth. Though we may want to kill them or make them suffer, they do serve a purpose, like flies or rats. So, throw on the nearest plastic tarp and prepare yourself for the filthiest human beings of the week.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface. Who would have thought?

Larry Niven is an author, a conservative and horrible human being, which means he has awesome ideas. His latest gem is a fantastic way to bring down hospital costs.

Great idea. You know what’s really cheap? An infectious virus spreading through a city because people were too scared to get treatment. It’s also inexpensive to pay for someone who didn’t get treatment for a simple infection, which allowed it to spread throughout their body and forced them into the local Intensive Care Unit. The ICU is so much cheaper! And on and on.

Any fucking moron who knows how to use Google can learn that immigrants aren't the problem when it comes to hospital costs. But conservative Asshole Fuckfaces like Niven are repelled by knowledge and the truth.

My next Asshole Fuckface makes purses and likes to sue people.

Artist Nadia Plesner began a campaign to raise awareness of the genocide occurring in Darfur last year. She designed and began selling posters and t-shirts of a Darfur victim holding a Louis Vuitton bag. All the profits went directly to charity. Apparently, Louis wasn’t pleased.

Yeah, fuck those genocide victims. Make them pay and make anyone who tries to help them suffer.

Fuck off, creep. That's a Louis Vuitton purse.

Well, good move Louis Vuitton. Your Asshole Fuckface reaction has gotten more attention than if you’d just ignored it. Too bad your purses are priced so high it makes them a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. But, thank God you are doing what you can to stop someone aiding genocide victims. Pat yourself on the back, you awesome company, it’s got to feel good.

My next Asshole Fuckface won the greatest prize known to man and then fell as far as one can fall.

In 1993, Anthony Francis Morley won the Mr. Gay UK contest and spent the year opening “gay events and nights.” That is obviously a dream gig. To say I’m jealous would be an understatement. But life at the top isn’t easy because someday you have to give up your gay crown and move on. Anthony’s fall seems to be a massive drop. He went from Mr. Gay UK to cannibal. Beat that Tom Sizemore.

On April 24th, Anthony murdered Damian Oldfield, a man who worked for the Mr. Gay UK competition. But he wasn’t finished at killing.

Oh, my. Well, maybe he was really into that guy. It's only a matter of time before the right wing picks up this story and starts telling everyone that all gay men want to eat dudes. Literally, not....never mind.

My next Asshole Fuckface was immediately entered into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Meet Josef Fritzl. He’s your typical 73-year-old dude, who locks up his daughter in the basement for 24 years and rapes her over and over and over.

That’s some serious, serious, serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

The cops found out about the 24-year imprisonment and incestuous rape when Josef let his daughter, Elizabeth, go to the hospital because one of his daughters/granddaughters was seriously ill. How so very kind. He actually didn’t let her die AND he let his daughter/fuck puppet go visit. The 19-year-old daughter/granddaughter is still hospitalized.

Josef impregnated his daughter seven times over her years in captivity. One child died and six lucky ones survived. Three boys and three girls. Three of the kids, ages, 19, 18, and 5, never left the basement. The other three were taken and given up for “adoption” – which in some cases meant they were raised as “foster children” by Josef and his wife. The wife claims she did not know of Elizabeth’s imprisonment.

Twenty four years ago, Josef claimed Elizabeth had joined a religious cult. She was considered missing and Interpol opened a file on her disappearance. Too bad they didn’t check the cellar.

What a fucking demon.

Finally, a video Asshole Fuckface report from the wild world of animals.



No congratulations are in order this week because of Joe the Austrian.

I am horrified by the words coming out of Reverend Wright’s mouth and the crazy things he believes. I tried to accept that he was misunderstood, or that he speaks for a culture that I may not understand, but this weekend he went to the National Press Club and explained his positions – to my utter dismay. How can any man believe such things? Especially a Reverend! It is astounding that any American would accept as true such outlandish ideas.

I cannot stand the idea that a future president would have ever gone to a church where the Reverend stood at the pulpit and uttered such insane phrases this...

It is horrifying that any man in this day and age would hold onto such a viewpoint – and even more horrifying that he would preach it to his flock. Church is a place where we tell the truth... such as, Jesus died on the cross, was then buried, rose from the dead and now lives at the right hand of his Father, making intercession for the believers forever. That is what church is for, not to spew the make believe ideas that have no basis in fact. Who would believe such insane nonsense?

When Wright first became part of the primary story, he was quoted saying, “God Damn America.” What kind of nut believes God would damn America? We are a good and decent nation. I do not believe God will damn us, at least not the true believers, like myself, who are lucky to be living in the End Time, when the son of God will return, the righteous will enter heaven, and sinners will be condemned to eternal hellfire. As an American, I am offended to hear Wright’s hate speech and don’t understand how someone can believe such crazy things.

The time has come to openly question Barack Obama’s beliefs. After all, he did attend this man’s church for 20 years. Does Obama believe, as Wright said this week, that…

It is incredibly hateful to hold a reckless anti-Semite, like Farrakhan, in such high-esteem. Wright believes in Farrakhan and Farrakhan believes the Jews are evil. As a good American, I cannot disagree more. We faithful fully support Israel because we believe the 1948 creation of the nation marked the first event in the "countdown to Armageddon.” The Jews must reside in the land of Israel for The End Times to occur, which is why we back Israel. So, obviously a good American cannot support the hate speech of Mr. Farrakhan.

We really must begin to question whether or not Barack Obama has the same values as Mr. Wright. Does Obama also believe that on 9/11 our “chickens were coming home to roost?” Such wild fantasies are completely unfounded and are greatly at odds with any normal American, who believes that after the Rapture nonbelievers left behind on earth will endure seven years of unspeakable suffering called the Great Tribulation, which will culminate in the rise of the Antichrist and the final battle of Armageddon between God and Satan. And that upon winning that battle, Christ will send all unbelievers into the pits of hellfire, re-green the planet, and reign on earth in peace with His followers for a millennium. I’m sorry, Mr. Wright, Americans are good people.

I seriously question whether or not Wright can hold onto widespread American beliefs and dispel such racist and hateful thoughts at the same time. Who is this man? And why is he such a good friend of Obama? I do not adhere to the disturbing beliefs of Reverend Wright and I don’t think most Americans do either.

So, Reverend Wright, you may take your insane ranting and leave America forever. We don’t want your kind here, especially because Jesus is coming back any day now to kill the homosexuals.

Looking at all the money Democrats are about to throw at Iraq, you’d think the country was having a bar mitzvah. House Democrats are putting together the latest spending bill – and it’s a fucking bonanza. The bill will fund the war through Bush’s presidency and six months into the next president’s term. It will be the largest spending bill to date. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Remember all those Democrats who ran on the promise to stop the war in ’06? Turns out they were full of shit. Hard to believe politicians are full of shit, isn’t it? Looks like they are going to bet the farm on a Democrat winning the presidency in November -- but if that doesn’t happen, we can expect these spineless fucks to continue the war for an eternity. And they know it’s going to piss people off.

You know why it sounds like that, Lynn? Because we are paying for something we don’t want. Crazy, huh? A solid majority of Americans are done with the war. Most of them were wrong when they supported the invasion, which makes them fucking idiots, but that’s an argument that we are never going to have.

The bill is going to throw $178 billion at the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. How awesome is that? Especially when you factor in the total lack of oversight on the billions of private contractors who seem to not be doing shit. Oh, and the occupation is a complete waste of our time and energy. We may as well throw the money into an outhouse and light it on fire.

Democrats are, of course, rolling over like twunts because they don’t want to appear weak on national security. Apparently, the best way to show you have a spine is to cave on what you believe in. Dems think halting funding for the war will cost them the majority of both branches of Congress. Which is obvious, because polls show the majority of Americans want to pull out of Iraq. See, in Democrats victim thought process, if the majority of people want to pull out, then the majority of people would be mad if they pulled out. Get it?

Nancy Pelosi is using a strategy called “guns and butter.” That means she will try to get Bush to agree to domestic spending in exchange for murder money. Good luck with that, Nance. Bush has already said he would veto any spending over his $108 billion request. He knows you are a fucking coward and will roll over in a second. The reason he knows this is because you always roll over like a coward. It’s not hard to figure out.

Bush will also easily win the domestic spending battle, because Democrats won’t want to be painted as “tax and spend” liberals. So, they'll cave since the best politicians don't stand up for what they believe in because they might be called names.

I have no doubt about that, because you basically run the place, John. You certainly get what you want.

Democrats will probably try the same thing they did in May, when they split up the bill and had two votes; one for domestic spending and the other for the war. That way, a bunch of Democrats could say they voted against war spending, while a bunch of others Democrats voted for it. It’s spineless by association and nobody gives a shit how you don’t do it. All that matters is you didn’t do anything to change the course of the occupation.

The Democrats have a great reason for not doing anything about the war, though.

Uh, you control the funding for the war. If you don’t write up a budget for the war, there is no war. You’re just a bunch of pussies because you don’t want Republicans to say you’re putting US troops at risk by shutting off funds. You know, the thing that will happen anyway, at some point, maybe in 20 years, when you decided to stop the war. Oh, and your logic is a bit flawed. You, "hoped Bush would listen to the will of the people?" Seriously? Americans voted to give Democrats a majority because they thought you'd do something about the war, not do nothing in order to use Iraq as a campaign fundraising tool and meat for stump speeches. Our government wasn't constructed as a hint machine. When people vote for you, it is because they want you to act. They don't vote people into Congress, hoping the president will get the hint. America could have just left Republicans in charge and each sent George Bush a personal letter. What a fucking ridiculous woman.

When McCain gets elected, we will get to watch this nonsense for four more years. Because, if you haven't noticed, Democrats have no plan for that possibility.

If God said, "Thou shalt not kill," how can belief in God be a prerequisite for military service?

With the shitstorm in Iraq resulting in (among other things) personnel deficiencies in the United States military, one would think the Army would be attempting to keep the soldiers they already have. However, a soldier who enlisted to serve his country and fight terrorism is claiming he has suffered discrimination; not because he is gay, but because he is an atheist.

While this is not official military policy, it seems to me that anyone who is actually ready and willing to go over to Iraq should be welcome to do so, regardless of their beliefs or sexual orientation. Then again, I'm naïve enough to still attempt to apply logic to anything involving this war.

Great, let's take one more step toward making this a religious crusade. Should we just go ahead and make it a requirement for military service that you fuck the other gender, and view your enemies as enemies of the one true Lord who hates fags and abortionists and liberals?

I'll say right now that I usually don't have the balls to tell someone to shut up in a theater either, much less sign up for military service. On one hand, if a guy's in Iraq, having to endure harrassment from other soldiers seems like it wouldn't be that big of a concern next to worrying about IEDs. On the other hand, the Army's comment about not being able to "protect him" should make anyone nervous. If a soldier can't trust his compatriots in a war zone, there's a problem.

And yet

Seeing as how I'm safely tucked at home in Texas and not patrolling the streets of Iraq, it's not really my place to criticize the military, but, my aforementioned naïveté demands me to question how they could possibly see driving even more qualified soldiers away as a positive thing. Especially when the doors are opening wider to allow more convicted felons to enlist.

Personally, I do believe in God, but it's idiocy like this that has made me hesitant to say that out loud.

This is the Army now: you can be be a rapist and it's fine as long as you raped the other gender; you can be a religious extremist but not an atheist.

And we wonder why enrollments are down and we're losing the war....

Welcome to the first ever Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It’s never been done before and I’m a bit nervous. I’ve scoured the week’s news and located the worst people on Earth. Now, I will unveil them for you to sneer at. How will it go? Who knows? Will the judged seek me out and murder me? Odds are high. Yet, I must do this, as God has chosen me. So, wrap yourself in a thick malleable polymer and let’s get started.

First up, the horrible Asshole Fuckfaces of the Himalayas.

In early May, the Olympic flame is scheduled to be carried to the top of Mount Everest. The poor Olympic flame has had a rough trip around the world. Everywhere the flame goes, protesters come out in force to convey their anger at China for the violent crackdown in Tibet. But Nepal has come up with a great way to halt any protests that may occur on Mount Everest: Just kill ‘em.

Well, that should do it. And may I add, that is some strong Olympic spirit.

They should use guys from the Chinese Double Trap Olympic team to kill the horrible protesters. That way, they can get some shooting practice while doing something awesome for their country.

Also, climbers cannot go above 6,400 meters between May 1st and May 10th. So, it’s a great time to climb nearly to the top of Everest, only to be stopped by armed Asshole Fuckfaces because some idiots want fire to make some empty achievement.

Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery happened in the Netherlands. Words cannot do this justice.



Dear Dutch people, why is everyone enjoying the creepy man licking and stroking that boy? Please let me know what might be too far and understand if I don’t take my son to Holland. And how jealous is Michael Jackson right now?

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface bondage.

A Tennessee couple was going through a rocky period in their marriage. Rebecca Bargy was stepping out on her man James. Over the past few months, she had engaged in several affairs and spent two nights last week screwing another dude in a hotel.

With a wife banging other dudes and spending nights away from home, it’s probably not too smart to let her tie you up and ball gag you.

Now that is domination. James died of asphyxiation. Now word on whether or not he came.

Rebecca claims it was an accident and that James requested to be bound and gagged and then left for 20 hours to enjoy the shit out of it. But Police believe Rebecca was screwing a man at a hotel while James slowly died. Although, she did stop in at one point to say hi to James. I’m sure that was a nice, tender moment.

It’s been a good week for gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces around the world.

It’s hard to pick who is the bigger Asshole Fuckface, Bahrain or Singapore.The hit Singapore home renovation show, Find and Design, ran into a little trouble this week when a homosexual couple was featured. The show included footage of the couple and their child living their normal lives. The Media Development Authority was not pleased.

Right. Please don't normalize the freaks. I guess he should have mocked them and maybe slapped them a few times during the renovation. Remind me not to visit Singapore.

The Asshole Fuckfacery in Bahrain makes Singapore look like San Francisco. The Bahrain Parliament has decided to do something about the country’s homosexual problem.

I believe that’s called a “witch hunt.” Some of the fun tactics will include a survey to determine how many gays and lesbians are running around Bahrain. That should be interesting.

Do you have a penis? Yes or No.

Do you like to rub your penis against other peni? Yes or no?

Have you ever had a buddy-to-buddy cock rub party? Yes or no?

The Parliament also demanded that the Interior Ministry ban all gay foreigners from getting residence permits. And there will be more surprise inspections of massage parlors and hair salons. The government believes those are the two places homosexuals hang out.

Word. I can’t get a haircut without falling into some dude's asshole.

Best of all, teachers will be trained to ferret out gay kids.

Well, I already spend 16 hours a day watching children for signs of homosexuality, so maybe I should go get a teaching job in Bahrain. Seriously though, if anyone sees a child playing hairdresser or sodomy, please tell the principal.

Finally, the first FearTheReaper video Asshole Fuckface story.



Consider yourself blessed.

FearTheReaper would like to congratulate all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a bottle of FearTheReaper multi-vitamins.

My local paper has been talking about the law a bit lately, particular concerning the intersection of the crime of rape and the legal system.

The first of the pieces of interest was columnist Paul Sheehan's rant about the growing intrusion of law and litigiousness into society. Australia is becoming, says Sheehan, a society under the rule of lawyers, not laws.

You can read Sheehan's reasons for vomiting if you read the article in full. You will also see him noting a recent local legal controversy, in which barrister Tania Evers has been referred to the Legal Services Commission for aggressive cross-examination of an alleged rape victim. This is the same Tania Evers who in recent years spoke publicly of
the erosion of an accused's rights in sexual assault cases. We'll come back to Evers' shortly, and the issue of whether the complaint about her -- and the leaking of it to the media -- are part of a political power struggle going on in legal and government circles.

But let's contextualise first. We need to think about at least three issues regarding the prosecution of rape.

Rape is a difficult crime to prosecute. It's an inherently difficult crime to prosecute, regardless of whether or not the legal system is horribly sexist, precisely because rape is a crime that involves an act that for most people, most of the time, is consensual and pleasurable. At any given instant of time, millions of consensual sex acts are going on around us. Determining which ones are the non-consensual (criminal) ones is hardly going to be straightforward. It's not a typical problem for a homicide detective to have to consider whether or not the murder victim really wanted to be killed and hence their death was the deliberate result of a consensual act. (Yes, yes, I know it's possible, but it's not that likely.) But it's a fundamental issue surrounding sex crime allegations.

Add to this, the longstanding tendency of Western legal systems to start with the presumption of innocence of the accused. This is an important presumption because it's easy for a powerful legal and/or political system to railroad anyone it wants if the system is set up to allow that to happen. The presumption of innocence is an insurance policy against the worst aspects of human nature in the political arena.

Add to this, the very real issue of false rape allegations. Researcher Eugene Kanin famously reported that in his case study of a small metropolitan community, 41% of reported rapes turned out to be false allegations. (For (in)famous cases, think Kobe Bryant, or the Duke lacrosse team.)

Balance all of this against the possibility that a woman (it won't always be a woman, but mostly it will) really has been violently raped and is seeking redress against her rapist. How should the legal system operate given all of these considerations? What latitude should prosecuting lawyers get? What about defence lawyers? How aggressive should they be allowed to be? How much control should a judge exert during a cross-examination?

According to legal columnist Richard Ackland, these questions are at the heart of a stoush going on in New South Wales legal circles.

See, while judges can intervene with discretion in instances of aggressive cross-examination, they are loathe to do so if they think it'll create avenues for appeal. So the state government is trying, with some force, to decrease the power of the (quite powerful) barristers, and give more to the judges.

That's what it comes down to, in the end. The issue of how lawyers comport themselves in sexual assault cases boils down to a pitched battle between senior lawyers and government ministers over the relative distribution of power and influence.


TheFuckOffKid was never prouder of his girlfriend than when she was a juror on a rape trial.

Yes, I called Hillary Clinton an abomination. I could not be more correct with my description and here is the definition of abomination to prove it:

Abomination - A*bom`i*na"tion, n.

That which is abominable; anything hateful, wicked, or shamefully vile; an object or state that excites disgust and hatred; a hateful or shameful vice; pollution.

Fits perfectly. Hillary would, obviously, disagree. A month ago, she compared herself to Rocky.



It’s true. Hillary is Rocky because she is not going to win and she is beating the shit out of Obama, while getting the shit beat out of herself at the same time. Sadly, Rocky and Apollo Creed fought for 15 rounds – a fight length that is now illegal because of the damage done to the fighters.



We are now in round 13, with a couple more horrible, bloody rounds to go. I can only assume Hillary will be holding onto Bill at the end, mumbling, “I did it,” though her grizzled and battered face. Just like Rocky, there will be no knock out and the decision will go to the judges. In this case, they are known as the superdelegates.

This abomination will not give up. Her spinmeisters are running around telling everyone who will listen that Obama is unelectable and can’t win big states. The unelectable argument is moronic because she is behind in delegates and the popular vote. Never thought I’d see someone in second saying the person in first is unelectable. Amazing.

The “big states” argument is equally retarded. Hillary claims Obama can’t win big states in the primary, so he won’t win the general. I guess that would make sense if Hillary were a Republican, but it turns out Democrats are voting for both Hillary and Obama. That means in the general election, Democrats who voted for both would probably vote for Obama. Anyone buying the "big state" argument is wasting their brain and it should be removed from his or her head -- immediately.

Worst of all is the argument Clinton and her supporters are making that no one is actually saying out loud: Obama won’t win big, industrial states because he is black. It’s straight up racism and it’s disgusting, but it’s the claim she is trying to make to superdelegates. If it were true, I’d rather try with the best candidate, who happens to be black, and lose, than toss him to the side for the not-as-good white lady because of racism fears. To choose Clinton for this reason would be morally heinous and I think anyone doing so is scum.

The truth is Clinton’s 9-point victory in Pennsylvania was actually a loss. She needed to win by a 20-point margin to make a serious dent in Obama’s delegate lead. She didn’t. She only gained around 10 delegates out of 158. There are now only 408 delegates remaining in the final primaries. Clinton needs 483 delegates to get the 2024 necessary to win the nomination. See how that might be a problem?

This means the only way Clinton wins the nomination is via superdelegates. But she will need 70% of remaining uncommitted superdelegates to win – if she splits the remaining popular delegates. Which means she has to convince 215 human beings that Obama can’t win the election, even though he has received more votes and popular delegates. That’s 215 people who have to buy the “black guy can’t win” argument. Good luck with that.

And while the Clinton people are at it with the “black guy can’t win” argument, they are going to continue to throw every Republican attack possible at Obama. See, the Clinton peeps have this awesome idea in their heads. They don’t think Obama can handle the Republican attack machine in the general election and to make that point, they are going to attack him like the Republican machine. It’s kind of like an honor killing; we have to kill him to save the family honor.

So, Hillary will continue to hang out with the guy who started the rumor that she killed Vince Foster, and the owner of Fox News, while she praises John McCain. At the same time, she will use all the Republican talking points about Reverand Wright, call Barack an elitist, and point out his connections with the Weather Underground, no matter how tenuous or hypocritical.

She has completely crossed the “vetting Obama” line and is now simply a Republican tool of destruction. If the only way you can win an election is to convince 306 party insiders to overturn the will of the people, and you continue on that path, you are a fucking asshole. It’s already having an effect. Just take a look at Fox’s newest promo.



That’s Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. Good work, douchebag.

Meanwhile, Obama has done nothing to imply Clinton cannot win the general election. He is only making the case that he is the better candidate. Clinton is dragging them both into the ditch. Her approval rating is plummeting and Obama’s is also slowly slipping.

According to Hillary, she plans to take this "all the way" to the convention, no matter how obvious it become that she is done. MSNBC has declared the popular delegate race over. The New York Times ripped her a new asshole yesterday.

The most damage being done by Hillary is the fight over Florida and Michigan. She has been making the case to voters in those states that Obama is responsible for their votes not being counted. It is completely untrue, the DNC made the decision, but Obama’s chances of beating McCain in Florida and Michigan have been plummeting, according to polls. Without those states, he has no chance. She is literally killing the Democrats chances of taking the White House.

Which is why she is not Rocky. Sure, Rocky lost to the black guy and both left the ring battered. But Rocky was a lovable character who won by losing. That is not the case with Hillary. A more appropriate comparison would be Jason Voorhees: A horrible, thoughtless, driven killer destroying all in his path. She’s just crisscrossing America with a machete, slashing and killing everything in her path.



Kudos, abomination, kudos.

FearTheReaper thinks Rocky has more impact in Italian and Jason Voorhees is scarier with Nordic death metal.

Oh PETA, why so crazy? There is a way to fight for the rights of animals without sometimes looking like complete and total lunatics. In this latest episode of PETA creepiness, they want someone to make Frankenmeat.

Mmmm, daddy wants a big tub of meat. I’m trying to think of a type of food I’d rather eat less than meat created in a test tube and I’m at a loss. This also shows a total lack of understanding of meat eaters. Meat eaters aren’t creepy, bloodthirsty psychos; they just like meat and they don't care that animals have to die for their nourishment.

I can’t even begin to understand what PETA thinks they are going to accomplish with their in vitro meat contest. Wasting one million dollars is amazing, even for them – and it seems a bit off target. PETA's slogan is "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment." So, I guess they think if they create some awesome fake meat in a lab, they will save animals. FAIL. Huge fail. Spectacular fail.

The decision is actually causing a PETA civil war. Soon the group may break into PFMPETA (Pro Fake Meat PETA) and AFMPETA (Against Fake Meat PETA). I guess some PETA members are not as crazy as I thought.

Let me re-phrase that. I guess some PETA members are crazier than I thought. Also, I don’t want to live in the world where one has to choose between eating roadkill or in vitro meat. Can’t I just have a banana?

If you are interested in the million dollars, you have to create laboratory chicken and sell it to the public by June 30, 2012. (Hi, arbitrary fake meat date.) The winner must also do the following:

Why would non-meat eaters care about the taste and texture of chicken? Why not make a realistic lab vagina that feels natural for gay men? Actually, that’s a good idea. I’m offering one million for lab-grown vaginas – and I want them created in bulk and sold at competitive rates to real vaginas in 17 states.

I am no fan of meat. Beef farms are the worst things on the face of the Earth for the environment. The volume of waste they produce and the amount of water consumed is astounding. The beef produced is full of hormones and toxins. But the solution is not lab meat - I actually find that less appealing than toxin filled meat. The solution is to not eat meat.

I am horrified by the idea of giant labs pumping out huge slabs of juicy, fake meat. It is a future I want no part of. I will do everything in my power to free the slave meat, if that day ever comes. Please join FIVSMOD (Free In Vitro Slave Meat Or Die) before it is too late.

As if the Democratic debate from Philadelphia last week wasn't a big enough farce, all three presidential candidates made appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw in the form of prerecorded vignettes.

Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and Republican hopeful John McCain all delivered addresses laced with wrestling references in an apparent attempt to inspire America’s lowest common denominator to vote in the November general election.

"This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring," the 60-year-old former First Lady said, referencing one of the sports entertainment giant’s dozen pay-per-view events. "The only difference, the last man standing, may just be a woman."

It’s a far cry from her husband’s saxophone performance on The Arsenio Hall Show more than a decade ago.

"Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" asked Sen. Obama in an ode to former WWE star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Perhaps channeling The Rock – a Pennsylvania native – could pay off for Obama in Tuesday’s crucial primary in the Keystone State.

As the oldest of the three Presidential hopefuls, one would have hoped Sen. McCain would have had enough sense to forgo the invitation of the WWE.

At 71, and presumably unopposed on the Republican ticket, the one-time prisoner of war said he and his “McCaniacs” would run wild, in a nod to wrestling and reality TV superstar Hulk Hogan.

"If you want be the man, you have to beat the man,” said McCain, referencing Ric Flair – arguably the most decorated wrestler of all time. “Come November, it'll be game over."

Sadly, it may be over for us all, no matter who wins.

Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a “contract” saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.

First of all, I didn’t even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone else’s ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dude’s anus – while in The Sistine Chapel.

Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.

Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials – because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!

Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.

Way to get the point. You’re more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, you’re not very good at sex.

Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.

Really? You don’t know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?

Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.

The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteer’s mom is a judge.

Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge “the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures.” It’s the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually don’t get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?

Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.

Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.

Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israel’s policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.

Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.

Maybe next time, huh?

Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the “stolen generation” of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. That’s some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.

Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?

Many in Australia don’t believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain – mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Who’s going to leave that lying around or dig it up?

Australia’s health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.

My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.

Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape – by another man. That isn’t the kind of thing that the religious right expects.

Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!

Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that “Thursday night,” myself.

Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?

No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.

So, it’s a happy ending for everyone.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!

I loathe Hillary Clinton. Back in the early '90s, I was a fan of the Clintons, but as time went by, it became apparent they were Republicans claiming to be Democrats. One only needs to look at the damage done by NAFTA to understand. Yet, I never disliked them as I do now. Hillary has proven herself to be a horrible viper through her actions and words during this primary season. The woman really is an opportunistic beast. So, I tuned in to last night’s debate hoping to witness Hillary Clinton’s destruction. But I ended up hating ABC’s Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos much more. Do you know how horrible someone has to be to make me hate them more than Hillary? It’s quite an accomplishment.

The first hour of the debate was a complete and total disgrace. Chuck and George didn’t ask a question of substance for the entire hour. The economy? Nope. Iraq? Nope. Housing Crisis? Nope. Torture? Nope. Health Care? Nope. Afghanistan? Nope. Education? Nope. Energy? Nope. Gas prices? Nope. Tibet and China? Nope. Trade? Nope. The world food crisis? Nope. Global warming? Nope. Immigration? Nope. Terrorism? Nope. Illegal government surveillance? Nope.

The majority of the above topics were not covered at all. The moderators started out with a very important issue that America is very concerned about: Whether or not they will choose each other as Vice President. But the question wasn’t just asked; Chuck pressed the issue with follow-ups as he attempted to get Americans to change the channel.

And then we were off and running to a complete and total night of journalistic embarrassment. For the rest of the hour we were forced to listen to a debate covering pressing issues like Obama using the word "bitter," Reverend Wright’s comments, whether or not Wright is a patriot, Hillary’s Bosnia comments, Hillary’s poor polling on honesty, Obama not wearing a flag lapel pin and Obama knowing a member of the Weather Underground. It was pretty pathetic and George Stephanopoulos was a total douchebag. George went after Obama aggressively, which would have been fine if they had actually been talking about issues. Instead, he covered all the subjects that would give Sean Hannity a hard on. And George just happened to be one of Bill Clinton's senior advisors during the '90s. Total coincidence.

After the first hour, they took a commercial break and came back with a question about Iraq, which was nice because these people are running for president, not editor of the National Enquirer. Then they switched to the economy and Chuck actually had the balls to argue with Obama, like a right wing asshole, about capitol gains tax cuts. His questions were framed as if capital gains tax cuts are great and how can anybody not love them? Of course we also spent time on that hot button issue of affirmative action. At the end, the candidates were given one minute to talk about rising gas prices. One minute. Disgraceful.

The decision to have a former member of President Bill Clinton’s cabinet moderate a debate, when one of the two candidates was a Clinton, is insane. The fact that ABC did not make a disclaimer is an example of how far journalistic ethics have fallen. It was hard to watch George doing the obvious biased bidding of his former master on Obama. Couple that with Chuck asking marginally retarded questions from a right wing perspective and this debate was a mess. It was a nice two-hour example of everything that is wrong with our country. We will never change the problems we face with weak imbeciles, like these two, as our leading journalists. Until politicians are asked tough questions about the issues we face, they will have no reason to take action. Our journalists have a job. It’s called accountability. FAIL.

And I was not alone in my criticism. After 7,500 comments, ABC shut down their debate message board -- only 30 minutes into the West Coast airing. When they realized this would only bring more attention, they fired it up again. Feel free to peruse the hate.

Or, you can read some of the comments from angry bloggers.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

The best line of the night belonged to one of our own. A young lad named PointBlank.

Somebody took a wit class.

For George’s final question, he jumped with two feet into Lake Halfwit.

Ha, ha. Fun! Way to take advantage of the honor America has given you. Now go shoot yourself in the face, George, you useless, biased fuck.