It turns out deaf parents are the creepiest parents on the planet. I know, it seems like a weird thing to write, but I’ve got some proof to back me up. The chief executive of the Royal National Institute for Deaf and Hard of Hearing People in the UK thinks that deaf parents should be able to screen their unborn children so they can pick a deaf child over one that can hear.

Isn’t that nice? Wouldn’t want to fuck up the family lifestyle with a hearing asshole running around the house, saying stuff like….well, just saying stuff. And apparently Ballard is not alone in his creepy views.

Currently a bill is making its way through the House of Lords that would make it illegal for parents undergoing embryo screening to pick an abnormal embryo if there is also a healthy embryo. But apparently people want to be able to choose abnormal embryos. Seems we’ve already done it here in America.

Ah, how good of you. I would just like to create a law that any parent who makes this choice must tell the child about their decision when it is 14-years-old. Those are usually the glory years for kids with disabilities.

Some crazy bastards called “doctors” are opposed to creating babies with disabilities.

Fuck off, hearer! I want babies who can’t hear, see, speak, smell, taste, shit, urinate, breathe and wink. It’s called freedom, motherfucker!

Damn right. They’ve got sort of a club going and if there are no more deaf kids, then who will run the club?

Those of you who think the Democratic presidential candidates will solve the healthcare crisis in any way are horribly wrong. The current plans of Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Barack Obama will actually make the situation worse. The three candidate's plans are similar in that they do not provide universal health care, but rather universal health insurance. One hint that they are bad plans is that the insurance companies are all for them.

The Republicans would like the free market to take over and fix the problem because we all know that business, when allowed to run free, always benefits the common man. That is why unions formed, because the common man was treated so well.

But enough about those corporate whores, let’s talk about the other corporate whores. The Clinton and Edwards proposals both contain a mandate, which would force healthy individuals to buy insurance in order to put more money into the system to cover the sick. How great does that sound?

Edwards' plan is completely retarded. He wants to go with mandated insurance with an option between public and private care. That way, private insurance companies can bounce the really sick and keep the healthy, so public insurance can pick up the tab for high-risk patients. The idea that we can regulate or hope private insurance companies will do the right thing is about as smart as the free market plan. Wait, it is the free market plan, except worse.

Hillary's plan is retardeder than Edwards'. It is exactly the same as Nixon’s proposed plan on 1974. Wait? Did I just write that? Yes, I did.

But hey, Nixon would have been considered a liberal by today's standards. Hillary's plan is also exactly like Mitt Romney's plan. And it is like John Edwards’ plan, except she decided to leave out any sort of enforcement mechanism for mandated insurance. That would make it, uh, not mandated. Although, Edwards' creepy enforcement ideas makes Hillary's non-enforcement look pretty good.

Edwards’ plan will collect back premiums by using collection agencies and garnishing wages. So he will make you buy health insurance, then send collection agencies after you when you don’t. I wonder how much money collection agencies have given to his campaign?

Sorry, but the whole thing sounds creepy to me, as well as a regulation nightmare.

Obama makes sure he falls to the right of Clinton and Edwards on just about every issue and healthcare is no different. He has been spending his days bagging on universal healthcare, much like the Republicans. Not surprisingly, his universal health insurance plan is more half-assed than his opponents’ plans.

Obama’s plan only mandates insurance for kids. But under his plan, healthy people could choose not to buy insurance and then sign up for it later when they became sick. How awesome is that? This would result in higher premiums for everyone else.

Still, I’d take no mandates over mandates. Obama’s is the only plan that doesn’t bend over completely for the insurance companies, but it falls very short of taking care of the problem.

All three plans fall way short and will lead to a massive payday for insurance companies. You know, the very companies whose bullshit policies have led us to this very point. Any plan that does not address the simple point that for profit health care does not work will only make the problem worse.

Right now Dennis Kucinich is the only candidate with a decent plan: Universal single-payer, not-for-profit health care system. Until the profit is taken out of health care expect more of the same.

First of all, Merry Christmas. Even to you Jewish peeps, whom, I was told by Mel Gibson, killed Christ. (Not cool.) Anyway, Jesus is now irrelevant and this is Santa’s day. Or it was until he attempted to fly over Brazil.

Earlier this week, Santa Claus we shot down over Rio de Janeiro. No, I am not kidding.

Rio de Janeiro has quite a few slums that are controlled by gangs. Check out the movie City of God if you want to know what happened to Santa. Police don’t even venture into the slums too often, and when they do, they go with full force, using helicopters and armored vehicles. They do not fly over in a bright red outfit. Ever!

Santa was not injured, but the helicopter was damaged and had to return to the base. Bullet holes were later found in the fuselage. He took a car to the kid’s party.

Merry Christmas, porn lovers.

The CIA’s destruction of torture tapes is going to be the big news of 2008. We learned a week ago that the CIA destroyed taped “harsh” interrogations of detainees. How harsh? I don’t know. I would probably know more if they had not actually been destroyed. But what I do know is that there are only two reasons to destroy the tapes:

1) A prisoner said something that we don’t want people to hear. (For example, “9/11 was financed by the Royal Family of Saudi Arabia.”)
2) The interrogation was illegal and our government is protecting itself from being prosecuted for war crimes.

The right wing would like us to believe that the tapes were destroyed to protect the identity of the agents, which is complete and total horseshit. If that were the case then almost every document in the CIA’s possession would need to be destroyed.

The exciting thing about this very, very bad scandal is that it keeps blowing up. First the Justice Department warned a federal judge to back off looking into whether or not the destroying the tapes violated a court order. Then the Justice Department told Congress to back off, as if Congress does not have an obligation to look into these sorts of things. Take a look at The Constitution kids, it’s called oversight.

Now comes the best news yet, though it is not surprising. It seems the destruction of the tapes information chain goes all the way to the White House. Four White House lawyers, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, former White House counsel Harriet Miers, Dick Cheney’s current Chief of Staff, David S. Addington and John B. Bellinger III, were a part of the discussions on whether or not the tapes should be destroyed. Guess what they decided?

Not illegal? Seriously? Did they give a little wink, wink, nudge, nudge when they didn’t give a direct order to preserve or when they didn't say destroying them would be illegal? Sadly for them, a strong case can be made that the destruction was illegal.

The government was prohibited from destroying any evidence that could be relevant to mistreatment or abuse at the Navy base in Cuba. But the two victims on the tapes were tortured overseas in secret CIA prisons. How awesome of a loophole is that?

One prisoner’s attorney is not pleased.

On Friday, the federal judge overseeing the case was hesitant to investigate why the tapes were destroyed because the Justice Department is conducting an investigation. You know, the same Justice Department who could be implicated in the destruction of the tapes. Dizzy yet?

How many different ways is the Bush administration going to be able to hide their criminal activity? We know the White House cannot be trusted to investigate itself and we certainly can no longer trust the Justice Department. It is time for an independent prosecutor, you know, those guys that spent eight years inside Clinton’s asshole.

The ACLU has asked a federal judge to hold the CIA in contempt for destroying the tapes because the group believes by destroying the tapes, the CIA violated court orders in a Freedom of Information Act case regarding interrogation. I don’t know what lunatic would hold the CIA in contempt and I wish them good luck with that.

Now that makes two different courts that had valid reasons to look into the destruction of the tapes. But that is not all.

It just keeps going and going. Some members of our government did not think the tapes should have been destroyed.

Yeah, probably because our country wouldn’t have given a shit if they just kept the tapes or even showed them on Fox News. But once you go into the obstruction of justice world, people’s ears prick up and they become interested.

As far as our president goes, he is using a method that was made famous by Ronald Reagan.

Get that? Could that statement be any more carefully crafted? She could have easily said that, “Bush didn’t know anything about the tapes destruction.” But she went with the “He doesn’t remember anything” route, which is highly dubious considering four lawyers in the White House were involved. The White House is being careful because at some point the press may uncover evidence that Bush was told and now he can say, “I don’t remember that.” Hi, Ronald Reagan.

This is what the White House is saying: The president does not know anything, yet his own staff and legal team worked for years determining whether or not to destroy the tapes.

Good luck with that, George. Another big, big problem for Bush is that his new mantra may come back to bite him in his anus.

How many times has he made that public statement? If anyone with a soul saw these tapes, they would quickly conclude the president of the United States is a lying motherfucker. And let us not forget that the Department of Justice under Bush was created to protect him from the rule of law, instead of enforcing the rule of law.

This story is just getting started and it is actually a big one. Sit back and enjoy.

Anyone with the slightest amount of brain matter who looks at the Writers Guild strike must wonder what in the fuck the studios are doing. Financial experts are dumbfounded. Anyone who witnessed the collapse of the music industry is feeling an odd sense of déjà vu as the studio's arrogance drives viewers and talent away. But maybe this is not about the writers at all. Maybe this is a game being played between the giant media companies and we writers are mere pawns.

It is becoming apparent that some studios are attempting to weaken others in hopes of gobbling them up. Let’s take a look at the players:

Warner Brothers is in the best position of all. They can handle a long, long strike and it appears their CEO is pushing for exactly that. The company’s television network, The CW, is a fucking joke and does not bring in profits. If this season tanks, or the next one, who cares? As the networks slip further and further into irrelevancy with the shift to the Internet, The CW is sure to die a miserable death and that would leave Warner Brothers without a network. Which is why this game is more about Warner gobbling up CBS than giving the writers what they want.
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CBS is the #1 network and mostly consists of scripted TV. More than any other network, CBS stands to be royally fucked by the strike. The longer the strike drags on, the network will find itself in worse and worse shape and its stock prices will drop. CBS does not want this to happen but their partner in crime, Warner, very much does. Kinda stupid to join yourself at the hip with your enemy, isn’t it? That is why you shouldn’t let Les Moonves run your studio. He is a moron.

Sony is in the film business. They have a few TV shows. I recently worked on one of them and I can tell you it is shocking that those idiots can get anything onto TV. They are top to bottom a collection of complete morons. Sony expected to be more insulated from the strike, but we took them by surprise and walked out before they were ready, on the day our contract ended. The result is that Sony did not stock up on scripts and did not get polishes on the ones they had already purchased. They are now canceling film shoots, like Angels and Demons, and it will begin hurting their bottom line soon. Sony is said to believe not settling with the writers is “Crazy.”

Paramount is in the exact same position as Sony. They also think the strike is crazy and are getting more vocal about the studios position.

Fox is giddy as a schoolgirl who just got her first fingering. They have American Idol in the pipeline and that show is a juggernaut. Even in the best of times other networks cannot compete with this monster. Fox is also an enormous company with very deep pockets. They make most of their money from other businesses and plan on keeping this strike going for as long as possible in order to crush their network opponents. Plus, Rupert has been busting unions for years. Make no mistake about it; Fox and Warner Brothers are using this strike to crush their AMPTP partners. They would actually love to see other networks crash and burn.

GE owns NBC/Universal. GE sort of owns the world, so they are not doing too badly. But GE is also not playing the game. While other CEOs are running around telling everyone the strike is not hurting business and they are making no revenue from the internet, the GE CEO is telling stockholders that the strike is already affecting the bottom line. He clearly has no patience for whatever bullshit game the other studios are playing and is all about the making money, as a CEO should be. To GE the strike makes no sense. NBC has already given money back to advertisers, which is a first in the history of television. At the same time, the head of NBC, Jeffrey Zucker has been moving away from scripted series for a while now. His dream is to create a network of all reality and game shows. He is giddy and sees the strike as a great opportunity to ruin an entire network. Congrats to you, idiot. Can’t wait for "Housewives vs. Monkeys on Battle Island.”

Disney/ABC will not fare well from the strike, either. The networks new reality show, Duel, is a massive failure. ABC also has many scripted shows and is even rushing LOST back, even though it could permanently kill the show. It was determined last year that LOST should be run consecutively because the show dropped a large number of viewers in 2006 after a long break. The show’s producers/writers have begged the network not to air the completed 8 episodes, but ABC will, which is an indication of their desperation for profits. Fox, on the other had, has decided to hold 24 because the network can afford to. Disney is also in trouble with film scripts, having not stockpiled enough. Word on the street is that Disney is not thrilled with the hard line the studios have taken in negotiations.

UA and MGM are totally bummed. The amount the WGA is asking for would only amount to $500,000 each. They are going to lose much more than that as the strike rolls on. They could easily die in this mess.

So, you may ask, why are they sticking together? Good question. Nobody knows. These massive media monsters are competitors and have very different interests. It isn’t like the last strike, when Hollywood was owned by Hollywood and joining up made sense. It does not now. Some think the CEOs are afraid to break away from the pack alone. Leaving the retard herd can be scary, I guess.

I believe the real story is that the companies that will be hurt are falling for the Warner Brothers and Fox game. They are under the spell of their big brothers and they will lose because of it. All of these companies stocks will be downgraded in the New Year. Their business’ financial health is at stake.

This strike has already cost each of the companies far more than what we're asking for spread out over the term of the contract. If you assume that they're rational actors (and they are), you can only come to the conclusion that the strike itself is not really what they're concerned with. They are battling each other, but some of them don’t even realize it yet. When they do, they will break off and quickly make deals with the WGA in an attempt to recoup their losses.

Saturday, the day God set aside for Asshole Fuckface revelations. There is much confusion about the origins of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, so I would like to clear it up. The first Asshole Fuckface was a Spaniard named Tomas de Torquemada. Pope Sixtus IV made him Grand Inquisitor and he dug his job. He burned around 2,000 people to death and killed many others with various tortures. Tommy was also one of the men behind the expulsion of all Jews from Spain in 1492, which was weird because his grammy was a Jew. Go figure. As Tommy lay on his deathbed, his body riddled with God’s gift of syphilis, he giggled and said, “I am such an Asshole Fuckface, yeah?” Then he released his bowels and died. True story. My ancestors on a tiny green island in the north carved the first roundup that week on the sides of potatoes and handed them out to the masses to read and eat. Today, I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and deliver them unto you on the interwebs. So, put on your flight suits and helmets, this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces don’t know that tigers are kept in cages for a reason.

Meet Jayaprakash Bexbaruah, a father of two who decided to take his kids to the zoo this week. They went to their local zoo in northeastern India and Jaya brought his camera to record the day’s events.

At the tiger cage, Jaya started taking pictures but he just wasn’t getting that magical shot. So, he climbed over the fence that separates the people from the cage holding the large predators to get a closer shot. But that was still not good enough. I guess those damn bars were fucking up his pictures, so Jaya his held his camera through the bars to take a shot.

Turns out tigers are not idiots. As soon as the piece of meat attached to a camera came through the cage, they pounced and latched onto his arm. People tried to knock the tigers back with “sticks and branches” but those kinds of things don’t work on TIGERS. The tigers then took off Jaya’s arm and had a delightful lunch. Jaya died in an ambulance from a loss of blood.

Here is a delightful picture for those of you with strong stomachs.

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have clicked on that link.

Now, some may ask, “Why is Jaya an Asshole Fuckface? He made a terrible mistake and paid the ultimate price.” No, he did not. His kids actually did, by seeing their father killed by tigers. That is the kind of traumatic event that can turn people into psychopaths. Or freaks. I know it doesn’t make for well-adjusted people.

Next up, how about a lighter story about some home bred political
Asshole Fuckfacery?

The Bush administration never gets tired of telling the state of California to go fuck itself. And this week was no different. In 2004, California proposed new auto emission standards that would force a 30% cut in greenhouse gas emissions. The cutbacks were supposed to begin with 2009 models. The changes would have forced automakers to produce cars and light trucks that get 43 miles to the gallon. Bush said no.

Remember the idea that Republicans and conservatives are for states' rights? That is a load of shit, they only back states' rights when it serves their purposes. In this case, the EPA claimed that:

Well, it is actually impossible to make a compelling case against an administration that is at war with science and reason.

Right, that's what you want to do with abortion, not the environment. Has this set up not been working well for all these years? And does the fact that 17 states have stricter air quality standards than the government tell you anything?

Schwarzenegger said the 17 states would take the EPA to federal court. But as of now, federal law will only require a 35-mpg standard. Considering that Toyota made a car that got 57 mpg in 1987, I'd say these Asshole Fuckfaces have been slacking off.

Next, you can always look to Hollywood to find Asshole Fuckfaces and this week is no different.

I’d like to introduce you to the Motion Picture Association of America, a non-profit, studio created group of Asshole Fuckfaces who create our voluntary ratings system. They are known for making arbitrary, bullshit decisions that greatly affect the amount of money a movie can make. Sometimes they make decisions for political reasons.

A “one-sheet” is an advertisement. This advertisement was apparently not suitable for children. Did I mention is an image taken from a documentary?

Now, let us go back in time and remember the billboard for the movie Captivity. This one was okay with the MPAA way back in March.



See the tube going into the tortured woman in a mask? That's okay. A real picture of the back of a guy in a hood is bad.

The MPAA claimed the hood was the reason kids would be freaked out. Kids never see or understand hoods, I guess. Oh, and by the way, the MPAA also rejected a one-sheet for the 2006 film, The Road to Guantanamo, because it pictured a hooded prisoner hanging from his handcuffed wrists. That one, also, not appropriate for children. Feel free to now look at the billboard of Captivity. The studios are a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. This is just one of the many reasons.

Next, sometimes an Asshole Fuckface will try to get a little action at an inappropriate time.

Sadly, we do not yet know the name of this Asshole Fuckface, but we do know what he does for a living: He’s a bus driver. A school bus driver. A school bus driver who loves fucking.

Apparently our 30-year-old Asshole Fuckface was driving the school bus on Wednesday morning, when he saw a prostitute on the side of the road. So, he pulled the bus up alongside her and made an inquiry about sex. The prostitute was, unfortunately, a cop.

It’s not like dude was just going to screw in front of the kids. He’s got class. He told officer Fake McWhore that he would go drop the kids off (ages five -nine), then come back for some action. Way to go Asshole Fuckface bus driver. Oh, did I mention that the kids were “special needs” kids?

Hey, wouldn’t an awesome study on the obvious by some Asshole Fuckfaces really make your day?

Thank God the American Cancer Society came through with this fantastic study on care received by insured cancer patients vs. care received by uninsured patients. You’re never going to believe how this one turns out!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Wait, I have to sit down. This completely upends my world. You mean to actually tell me that people without health insurance who are diagnosed with a deadly condition are more likely to die than people with health insurance? I am stunned.

I just did some studies of my own. It turns out people who eat cat shit are more likely to get sick than people who don’t eat cat shit. Weird, right? Also, people who slam bricks against their head are more likely to get head injuries than people who don’t slam bricks against their head. Crazy, huh? And this last one I worked on for a year: It turns out that Americans who go to Iraq are more likely to die in Iraq than Americans who don’t go to Iraq. I am blowing my own fucking mind.

No shit.

Nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Hopefully you spent a lot of money and time on the research.

And finally, I’d like to give a big Asshole Fuckface Roundup congratulation to Les Moonves. If you don’t know Les, he’s the media mogul who runs CBS Corp. He’s been failing at his job for quite a while now and in Hollywood that means you get a raise. Check out his new deal:

So, what’s it all worth? It appears he will be making $57 million a year. That is $9,800 an hour. If he is fired, Les will receive three years salary and bonuses. How is CBS stock doing? Not so good.

Basically, he is fucking up and getting rewarded for it. Writers are currently asking CBS for only $4.6 million per year. Television and films are shut down. Los Angeles is losing 20 million dollars a day. Thousands of people are out of work. The head of CBS gets a bump and the company refuses to negotiate with writers. Nicely done, you just made it into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Congrats to all of the weeks winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper cat bed.

No, not Indians from India, the other kind. I’m talking about American Indians. American indigenous peoples or whatever. I don’t know what to call anyone, anymore. I’m writing about the guys who were here first. The ones we white folks had a little genocide thingy with. They are getting uppity again. In this case it is a tribe from Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming.

Oh, shit. Did you guys not see what we did to Iraq? We didn’t even have a good reason, we just made stuff up and turned their country into shit and now you are breaking free? Good luck with that.

Ha! How the hell are you going to make money? Huh?

Lakota leaders went to the State Department on Monday to announce that they were withdrawing from treaties with the US. They also stopped by the Bolivian, Chilean, South African and Venezuelan embassies to tell them what was up. Over the next few months they will travel across the world to meet with foreign countries.

I can think of a few million Americans who would jump on board. We love our free stuff but hate our taxes.

The Lakota are a band of seven tribes that speak three different dialects. There are approximately 100,000 Lakota people living in the five state area.



According to their leaders, America has not been treating them so well.

Okay, we may have made a couple of little violations, like in 1868, when the US government signed a treaty exempting the Black Hills from all white settlement forever. But we didn’t know there was gold in them hills. Four years later, gold was discovered and we charged in with help from guys like General George Armstrong Custer.

We also kind of massacred a bunch of Lakota at Wounded Knee. Not really sure how that fit into the treaty. But massacres were totally en vogue back then. The Lakota are apparently within their legal rights to end their treaty with the US.

In September the United Nations passed a non-binding declaration on the rights of indigenous peoples. The US was, of course, opposed. But it gave the Lakota the juice they needed to make their big move.

Life has not been going great for the Lakota while under US rule. Lakota men currently have the shortest life span expectancies in the world; just 44 years. Teen suicide rates are 150% higher than in the US. Infant mortality is five times higher than the US – and our infant mortality rate is atrocious.

I wish them luck but they have no chance. If there is one mineral or a drop of water on their land we will not let them go. We are the United States of America and they are our victims. End of story.

Mike Huckabee has now taken over the lead in polls for the Republican nomination, which means the deep dig into his past begins. Rudy Giuliani was the first victim of the deep dig and Huckabee is now enjoying an intense sifting through his past. Mitt is just a Mormon, no digging needed.

Huckabee is a deep well of horrible quotes and shady decisions. The only people more scared of Huckabee than Democrats are moderate Republicans, but those fuckers deserve it after years of courting all the religious lunatics in our country. So, sit back and enjoy the past genius quotes from the Republican front-runner.

On AIDS:

Man, that was a great call in 1992. Just think if we hadn’t listened to Mike, we’d all be dead or infected with AIDS. Thanks for creating AIDS Island; we’ll never forget it.

On government and religion:

Hey, I'm not an expert or anything, but it sounds like you said the government sucks and it needs a Jesus enema. I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think that sums it up. Remember when the Taliban made the people of Afghanistan accept Muhammad into their lives? That worked out in an awesome way.

On marriage:

I can’t really argue with that one. When you’re right, you’re right.

In 1998, Huckabee wrote a book called Kids Who Kill: Confronting Our Culture of Violence. It was Mike’s answer to a school shooting in Arkansas. Like any good religious nutjob, Huckabee came to the conclusion that school shootings were the result of our society society falling apart due to abortion, pornography, media violence, out-of-wedlock sex, divorce, drug use and hot man on man loving. He didn’t actually use the term “hot man on man loving,” but that is probably what he hears in his head. Check out some wonderful passages from The Huck's book.

True. All of these things have screwed America over big time, especially the wicked environmentalism movement. God hates people who love trees, especially gay trees that have AIDS and shoot smack.

Which one of these things is not like the other? Molesting kids, beating another person and enjoying it, fucking a dead body and a couple of dudes getting it on. If you guessed #4, you win! Yes, in Mike Huckabee’s Jesus-loving mind, fucking a dead guy is just like fucking a live guy.

Actually, not at all. Do you even know what civil liberty means, Mike? You should learn the definition before you write about it. Just a tip.

Word. This could not be more true. For instance I was educated in public schools and they actually had the nerve to teach me from more than just the one book. It was there that I learned to have sex with men, give abortions, get and give AIDS, molest kids, use drugs and get a divorce. Go Wildcats!

Fair enough. I know a lot of women over the years have earned positions that are equal to or even above men. And that has basically led to women having more money and power, allowing them to live more independent and rewarding lives, which has totally worked against them. Wait, what?

The only God given distinctions I can think of between men and women is the cock and balls and the hole thingy. I think everyone looses when they get muddied. Please don’t do that, especially in the hole thingy.

Mike also threw in some Bible chat to explain what was happening to our society.

I can only imagine that after he put those three gems together in an awesome paragraph, he threw his pencil to the ground and shouted, “Boom. You got the motherfucking Huckabee thunder!” He really makes an awesome point here and he is finally sounding presidential. I personally won’t vote for a guy until he says, “dissipating sensuality.”

But now it seems Mike didn’t use his own child raising techniques from his book because one of his kids murdered a doggy. Yes, the son of a Baptist Minister did something creepy. Isn’t that shocking?

Turns out David Huckabee kind of hung a dog nine years ago when he was at a Boy Scout camp. He did not get the “hang a dog” badge, however. The story is a bit murky, but what we do know is that 17-year-old David Huckabee hung the dog and was kicked out of the Scouts for breaking their “kindness” rule.

When the story broke in the press, Mike explained way his son’s heinous act.

Just like Jesus would have done. Hey, don't we have some people in our country called veterinarians? And some stuff called food? People who kill animals in unusual ways are practicing for their future work as serial killers. They take joy in watching life leave a living creature. Kind of undermines Huckabee’s book a little bit. You know, the one called Kids Who Kill. Or maybe we are mistaken and it is a how to book. Or maybe the publisher dropped are awesome off the title.

Imagine the chill that would go down your spine if you learned your child had hung a dog. I guess it is that kind of chill that would make a good, religious man use his power to make sure no charges were filed.

First Huckabee had both his lawyer and chief of staff put pressure on the director of Arkansas's state police and then fired the director when he wouldn’t write a letter denying a prosecutor’s request to arrest David.

Just like Jesus would have done. Go Huckabee!

Every once is a while a new technology comes along that completely changes our world. One such technology started hitting the market yesterday and it is fucking awesome. It is a solar panel without the panel. This new technology is thin as a paint coating and it coverts sunlight to electricity. Oh, and it’s cheaper than coal. I just got my first sunlight erection.

The company, Nanosolar, has built two plants, one in Germany and the other in Silicon Valley. They already have orders for 18 months of production.

The company is backed by Google, of course, and they received $20 million from the US Department of Energy. The technology has been around for years, but the Silicon Valley based Nanosolar was the company that devised a way to make the manufacturing process affordable. They created printing press like machines to put a layer of solar-absorbing nano-ink onto metal sheets as thin as aluminum foil. Now we live in a world where solar powered buildings will be plentiful, which will reduce pollutants produced by dirty energy sources. Because it is fucking cheaper than coal. I just got another sunlight erection.

The panels will cost about a tenth of what current solar panels cost and several hundred feet per minute can be whipped out. As of now, the plant can create 430 megawatts of solar cells a year, which is more than all the solar plants currently in the US. Cost has always been what held solar back from being a popular energy source. Traditional solar cells use silicon, which is very expensive. It then has to be placed on glass, which makes the panels heavy, dangerous, expensive to ship and install. And 70 percent of the silicon is wasted during manufacturing. The end result is panels that cost $3 per watt, while the new PowerSheets cost $1 per watt.

Looks like the only problem will be keeping up with demand. California has a state initiative that provides tax breaks and rebates to encourage the installation of 100,000 roofs a year for 10 consecutive years.



You know what’s fun about scientists? Nothing. Anytime they are on screen, there is a horrible void. Thankfully, his lack of charisma is crushed by his world changing brain.

On Thursday, former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell released his report on the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. The 409-page report named 86 players and pointed the finger at the owners for knowing what was going on but taking no action.

America, of course, was aghast. And our politicians were there to show their feigned outrage about something that is meaningless.

Oooo, “troubled.” Considering all the shit you’ve done, I would think Derrick Jeter raping your dog wouldn’t trouble you.

Then Henry Waxman, my representative, jumped in and said he would
hold hearings today. Waxman is chairman of the House of Representatives Government Oversight and Reform Committee, so naturally he would get all up in the business of baseball. That is what government oversight and reform is all about.

Yes, and it has nothing to do with you, Mr. Grandstanding Bitch. You know why Congress will be holding hearings on steroids? Because it's an election year. Because the Democrats are implicated in legalizing waterboarding. Because Harry Reid is giving immunity to telecoms and not allowing oversight on FISA. Because they have helped Bush with his illegal wiretapping program. Because they have done nothing about the US attorney scandal. Because they have increased the number of troops in Iraq, rather than reduce. Because they have not held Harriet Miers in contempt. Because they have done absolutely nothing about immigration. Because they have done nothing about Bush cooking intelligence to start the Iraq war. Because New Orleans is still a wreck from Hurricane Katrina. Because we still haven’t restored Habeas Corpus. Because they have done nothing about human beings indefinitely detained without charges. Because they have done nothing to roll back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. Because the national debt is horrifying. Because Bush turned Medicare into a time bomb and they have done nothing to fix it. Because they continue funding abstinence education in the face of all evidence. Because they have done nothing to implement the 911 Commission recommendations. Because they have not looked into the 2004 Ohio voter irregularities. Because Bush is still writing his signing statements on bills without a worry. Because the Vice President still thinks he is a fourth branch of government. Because they have not addressed the net neutrality problem. Because they allow funding for the fake missile defense shield to continue. Because No Child Left Behind continues to destroy our schools. Because the White House still refuses to turn over requested emails. Because they have allowed Bush to repeatedly put lunatics on the bench. Because of the evisceration of the US Commission on Civil Rights. And because, most of all, on a day when the FCC is going to remove the rule that stops media companies from owning a newspaper and a TV station in the same town, Henry Waxman plans on stealing the spotlight with a bullshit hearing on steroids.

The list of failures for this Democratic Congress is huge. But here is one they cannot fail on because, my gosh, it is baseball we are talking about. It is the most pure sport in the land and we can’t allow big league players to do steroids because it will influence our kids. Then our precious children will take steroids and become huge, hulking children.

Never mind that the majority of kids are now on pharmaceutical drugs to calm them down. Never mind that alcohol is the #1 advertisement during baseball games. Never mind that their parents take drugs to go to sleep, to get through the day and to get an erection. We now have drugs that are so very "bad." And baseball players are the reason. Not football players, not hockey players, not basketball players, not boxers. Nope, it is the baseball players because that sport is so pure. It always has been.

Sure, Babe Ruth, that hero of heroes, was an incredible drunk and liked to do a bit of coke, but come on, that never hurt anyone. And Mickey Mantle. The Mick! So full of booze that the amount he ingested could have killed a donkey on any given day. Don’t pay attention to the fact that a baseball team is named the Brewers. And how about the Big Red Machine, hopped up on amphetamines? Shit, how about the majority of players taking amphetamines since 1940? How about the fact that the drug was introduced to baseball by WWII soldiers who took it overseas and gave it to their teammates when they returned to MLB? How about that the teams supplied it to the players? Congress jumped in and put a stop to all that nonsense for the kids, didn't they? Bullshit.

Yes, we need to get Waxman on this, now. Because today the FCC will allow TV stations to own a newspaper in the same town and Waxman thinks a steroid hearing should steal the headlines. But we know what is really important: Steroids. Because if we don't take care of that, the kids might start to get the wrong idea about how to live life. Then they might take steroids, which won't mix with with their Ritalin and Lexapro and their Zoloft and Desyrel and Lamictal and their Focalin XR and Depakote and Risperdal and their Catapres. Then they’d be totally fucked up.

It’s important to have priorities and I’d like to thank Congress.

For more than 30 years, publishing companies have been buying up local newspapers. The result is homogenized, shitty news that serves corporate interests and rarely asks questions of the idiots who run our federal government. Tomorrow, the FCC will make the situation a lot worse when they remove the rule that bars companies from buying radio and TV stations in the same town. Hopefully we can get the media down to just one source and rename the country Murdochistan.

Who is Martin? Well, he is Republican. Shall I go on, or is that enough? Okay, Kevin Martin is also a member of the Bush cult.

Most people expected this battle to be fought next year, after public hearings and debate. But those people forgot that the Bush administration is about destroying democracy, not participating in it. Two other Democrat FCC commissioners called for “long-pending reviews” to make sure that the media serves local communities and encourages ownership by women and minorities. The Republicans, however, want white guys to be richer and the population to be dumber and they want it to happen now.

Martin announced in October that he wanted to put these new rules in place and scheduled a couple of public hearings at the last minute. He gave the public a generous seven days notice. The hearings did not go well, especially the nine and ½ hour meeting in Seattle.



Take a moment to soak in how stereotypical Martin looks. Where the fuck do they find these angry, pasty white, little creeps? I’m starting to think they peel off of Karl Rove’s body, slither away to do their own damage to the country and will later return to the mother Rove, with which they will merge in time for The Rapture.

As far as the video, I can’t really disagree with the guy who said this:

Or the Republican who said this:

Martin has presented three bullshit reasons why his new media rules must go through: Newspapers are in trouble financially, the rules would only affect 20 large markets and that the rules would ensure “competition, localism and diversity.”

The last one is obviously from the Karl Rove handbook called, “Say the exact opposite of what is true.” Also, newspapers average profit margin was 17% and a loophole could allow these rules to affect every market. So, Martin is a liar as well as an awful human being.

Adding to the deceit is Martin’s cooking of reports. Martin selects reports that favor his position and ignores those that differ, much like Bush did in the lead up to Iraq. How did that turn out? Martin even took an outside firms’ report as the truth over the FCC’s own internal report. He also neglected to inform his fellow Democratic FCC commissioners of his proposals until the very last minutes, tying thier hands.

Congress appears against this action, both Republicans and Democrats. They should punish Mr. Martin severely and it is easy to do. Pass a bill that prohibits any FCC commissioner from going to work for any media company for 10 years after leaving the FCC, because this fucker is a self serving douchebag who plans on getting rich after he puts these rules in place.

Our media is a joke, a national embarrassment. Feel free to call your Senator and House Representative to voice your displeasure. This is a very, very big deal.

A couple of days ago I wrote an amazing article about Nancy Pelosi being unworthy of her position as Speaker of the House. Today I will address why Harry Reid is an incompetent, spineless piece of shit who is unworthy of his position as Senate Majority Leader. Grow some balls Dems and kick spineless grandpa to the curb.

On Monday, the Nevada moron will bring a new FISA bill to the floor of the Senate that will help the Bush administration get the telecom industry immunity and surveillance oversight protections. At the same time he will be taking an action that he assured concerned Democrats that he would not take. Nice work, liar.

Harry could have brought two bills to the floor. One did not give the telecom companies a free pass for illegally spying on Americans. The other, written by Jay “I got millions from the telecoms” Rockefeller (horrible nickname) and Dick Cheney (horrible monster), gives the companies immunity from civil lawsuits for committing CRIMES.

Reid has pulled a fast one by making the Senate Intelligence Committee bill the "base bill." That means to remove amnesty and increase oversight would require 60 votes, which is impossible. Reid has been telling people for weeks that he would not bring the bill to the floor as a “base bill.” Every Democratic presidential candidate and 14 Senators have demanded that the other bill be the base bill. He is a fucking liar and no better than the Bush administration for pulling such a move.

But that is not even the most disgusting aspect of this move. Reid is screwing over Chris Dodd, who put a hold on the amnesty bill. He is refusing to honor that hold. Understand that Reid honors holds for Republicans constantly, like the Emmit Till Bill, which would authorize $10-million annually over 10 years to rejuvenate prosecutions of pre-1970 civil rights murders.

Now, that bill is not important enough to override a hold. But giving the telecoms immunity from their crimes is very important.

Dodd was forced to fly back to DC on Friday to filibuster. You may be wondering why, because I just wrote that the vote would take place on Monday. Well, Harry the devious made sure the filibuster would take place over the weekend with slimy schedule maneuvers. So, Dodd will filibuster in front of an empty chamber, when reporters are gone and other Senators are enjoying their weekend. Then when the Senate returns on Monday, Harry will push for a cloture vote. This is absolutely disgusting behavior from a Democratic leader.

Understand this Democrats: Your leadership is doing everything it can to give Bush and Cheney the FISA bill they want. It gives the telecoms total immunity for criminal acts and limits oversight on an illegal program. The Democrats are putting their energy into making sure their opponents win and The Constitution is used like toilet paper.

And for those tools out there, who think this is about keeping America safer, you are shockingly naïve.

Wow, what a surprise. The Bush administration was abusing their already abusive system. How completely in character of them.

Early 2001. When was 9/11 again? Why should I believe this program was not used against political opponents? Why should companies who aided this blatantly illegal program be spared from lawsuits? But most importantly, why the fuck is the Democratic Senate Majority Leader giving aid to people who have undermined The Constitution?

What is it about November 2006 that you did not understand, Harry? The American people quite simply handed the Democrats a stunning victory so they would curb the abuses by Bush and company. You have taken that mandate and turned it into a pile of shame. Please explain to me how those on the opposite side of the aisle would be doing this in any way differently. They would not. You are a coward and possibly the most useless Majority Leader I have ever seen. Your hideous acts demoralize your base and drive people from your party. In essence, Harry, you are the Democratic Karl Rove. You and your kind are why I am not and never will be a Democrat. Although, there is a guy who would make a great Senate Majority Leader. He's the guy who is filibustering this bill: Chris Dodd. You can send Chris Dodd a bit of support here.

And feel free to call or email your Senator Democrats and let them know where you stand on the Majority Leader’s actions.

Asshole Fuckfaces are everywhere on our sweet, sweet Earth. They take many forms and shapes. Some come in human form, others just a cloud of heinous odor. Each week I search the news for Asshole Fuckfaces to bring to your attention, so that you may scream in horror and fall to your knees in fear. It is not an easy task, just last week I shed a tear. I know, but it was horrible. I am not impervious. This week I have a strange and disturbing list of the most horrible people in the world, so put on your leather ponchos, this is going to be sickening.

It seems like every week I get to point out an Asshole Fuckface who is
screwing over our veterans and sadly, this week is no different.

There should be a special place in hell reserved for those who take advantage of wounded soldiers and it should include daily waterboarding and gourd shaped butt plugs.

How much of an Asshole Fuckface do you have to be to ask for donation for wounded soldiers and then use it for your own desires? Eight charities gave less than a third of the money they raised, which is way below the standard. And some were even further below a third, by which I mean 1%. Yes, one fucking percent of donations.

Whoa, don’t go overboard with that penny, asshole. And thank God there are no laws regulating the money charities spend on overhead, because regulation just leads to a lack of efficiency. Lack of oversight allows charities like Help Hospitalized Veterans to pull this kind of shit.

Die. Now. Thanks.

Some of the bigger veterans charities made the shit list, like Military Order of the Purple Heart Service Foundation, the AMVETS National Service Foundation and the Freedom Alliance.

The saddest part about his kind of Asshole Fuckface activity is that it may lead to lower contributions for veterans. If you want to give money, try the
Fisher House Foundation.

Next up, we head to South Korea, a place where Asshole Fuckfaces are doing weird things to cats.

Cats are the greatest creatures on Earth. (Sorry, Otters.) Any Asshole Fuckface who alters them should be punished. Everyone knows South Korea is batshit crazy for cloning and that it will certainly be ground zero for the clone wars in 2017. You know they are out of line when they start creating glow in the dark cats.

Uh, what? Glow in the dark animals is nature’s way of saying, “STOP.” So far the Asshole Fuckfaces have created three glow in the dark Turkish Angoras. The fluorescence protein genes were altered and now the human race is in great danger. And for the first time in history, fraternities are going to want a house cat and that ain’t good.

What do you mean, “said” in a statement. It should read, “screamed” in a statement. Like this:

Didn’t you people make the movie The Host? Why don’t you pop that in the DVD player before you Asshole Fuckfaces whip up another round of animal manipulation?

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who doesn’t know when to shut up.

Meet Sandra Tucker. She’s a 61-year-old former councilwoman from Dacono, Colorado. The reason she is a former councilwoman instead of a councilwoman is because she has a hilarious Hitler sort of sense of humor.

Last week she posted a joke on a local website that was a bit racist and a bit anti-Semitic and a bit homophobic.

The “joke” is about a guy who wakes up only to discover he is in a wheel chair, is a “negro,” is a “Jew queer,” is an HIV positive drug addict, has a “Mexican boyfriend” and only has one arm. The dude is obviously bummed, but that is not the bad part. Enter the “punchline.”

Ha, ha, ha. Oh man, I just laughed so hard that my ass came out of my face. Seriously, good stuff, Sandra.

Several people in the town were offended because they are human. The Mayor asked Sandra to take down the post but she would not. So, he was forced to call the website owner to have it removed. Way to go, Sandra. Pick your battles, sister.

Maybe I should rethink this because Sandra says she understands discrimination.

Nope. I’m not going to rethink it. Actually, I would like someone to set you on fire. Sandra resigned from the city council on Thursday because she “probably” can’t do her job anymore and because she is a huge Asshole Fuckface

Our next two winners violated Asshole Fuckface rule #37: Anyone who cuts off a magic leg will always and forever be an Asshole Fuckface.

Look, everyone knows how magic legs work. If they are removed from the individual who grew the leg, then they are rendered useless. Also, if removed a magic leg can easily turn into an evil leg, at which point it is every man and leg for himself or herself. Magic legs turned evil can only be stopped by a shoe goblin or a sock midget. Those are the facts.

Sadly, greedy men still try to steal magic legs. An 80-year-old magic leg owner was separated from his leg this week in Chittoor district, a remote area of India.

Okay, how drunk do you have to be to not notice someone is cutting off your leg with a SICKLE? I have been mighty wasted in my time, but I do not think I would have ever slept through a dude whacking away at my leg with a hook-shaped blade. Maybe I just don’t know how to party.

Thankfully, legless dude was found by villagers and taken to the hospital. The leg is a gonner, though. Up until the point when it was hacked off, it could cure people of illness and grant wishes. That is a fucking awesome magic leg. Or was.

Authorities are still seeking out the “miscreants” who stole the leg. Anyone with information on these Asshole Fuckfaces can call 1-800-Leggone.

Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckface winners! You will each receive a FearTheReaper left shoe from my FearTheReaper comfortable shoe wear collection.

**TheCoolerKing is an Asshole Fuckface for stealing my story.

Ah, the dirty illegal immigrant. They are responsible for all of the horrible problems facing our nation today and will soon become the Republicans talking point for the ’08 elections. Never mind that the issue usually polls fifth or lower on American’s most important issues, they are brown and most importantly, they can’t defend themselves. The perfect target. What illegal immigrant will be appearing on "Larry King Live" or "20/20" to make their case? Turns out, none. Unfortunately, these pesky things called facts keep getting i