For those of you who don’t know, Jon Voight penned an Op-ed for the Washington Times yesterday. I now realize why his daughter won’t speak to him. Jon Voight is clearly a fucking moron and a lunatic. It’s a delightful combination. I’d like to respond to some of the points Jon made in his opinion piece, because it’s laughably moronic.

Uh. What? How’s the whiskey intake gin blossom face?



Barack Obama did not grow up listening to any of the people you just mentioned. Not one. So, this op-ed really didn’t start well for you. Right off the bat, you’re a horrible fucking liar. But, I’ll keep reading.

Actually, “we” can say militant angry teachers do not affect “us.” I haven’t been. I actually can’t think of any one of my friends who have been. I don’t know what sort of circles you run in, Voight, but now your peeps scare me. As far as Obama running the country “in their mindset,” are you a complete moron, or what? I would enjoy just one quote from Barack Obama that would back up this claim.

Uh. I am nearly speechless. I do not know how we can exist in the same world. Maybe you have a pair of those glasses from They Live. It’s the only way I can explain your insanely distorted reality.

Hey, you threw in a “so-called”! You put it in front of “peace movement,” you clever dog. Did you go to a Rush Limbaugh training camp? That kind of shit is so weak and simple-minded that I’m surprised anyone who can operate a computer would write it. And it is “so-called,” mostly because, that’s what it is called. Do you understand, the so-called Jon Voight? You don’t get to change the name because you don’t want it to be so. And as far as blaming the peace movement for the slaughter of 2.5 million people in two countries, well, good point. You are totally right. Vietnam was going swimmingly and the initial invasion was not responsible for all those deaths. Only the end part.

Hey, I’d just like to point out here that you played a so-called gay prostitute in a movie. What did that teach our kids? Sorry, I know, that was a bit off topic, but it’s about as relevant as bringing up William Ayers. Just playing by your rules. You know, the rules of desperation.

And thank God we have an older generation of men who didn’t fight in Vietnam, but now can’t get enough of this disastrous war in Iraq. When you were 29, in 1968, you were playing a gay hustler on the streets of New York while your fellow Americans gave up their lives for a cause you now champion. How surprising and unlike your other right wing brethren. You’re a fucking coward, Johnny. A big fucking coward.

I’m a bit confused by your claim that Petraeus “prevented terrorists from establishing a base” in Iraq. You’ll have to explain it to these 56 people. Oh wait, you can’t because they are dead. Terrorists killed them yesterday. That’s a shame; you really were on to something there. Do you know who was better at keeping terrorists from “establishing a base” in Iraq? Saddam Hussein. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy, but reading history books is not wrong. You should try it, because you’re looking like an ignorant tool.

And no. You don’t get to make shit up, just because you are an actor with a face that implicates you in a nightly vodka party. If Obama had his way, America would never have been in Iraq in the first place. Also, he voted to fund for the war over and over. So, you’re completely wrong. Shiite dominated Iraq is basically now ruled by Shiite dominated Iran. It’s a big, fat fail-fail. That’s what happens when you remove the Sunni dictator in a country full of Shiites. The only people who predicted this outcome were the ones who read books.

And it’s Senator Obama, you fucking douchebag. Show some respect to a man who has accomplished something you can’t even dream of. Your attempts to belittle him by not using his proper title only show your own pettiness.

Is that because he’s been pretty much right about all that military and foreign affairs stuff and McCain has been wrong? Also, please provide evidence that Iran is making “great strides” toward getting the atomic bomb. Then give us a quote from Obama in which he takes Iran having a nuclear weapon lightly. Oh, and also please explain why the Iraqi Prime Minister is wrong for wanting a timeline for our departure. You obviously know more than the Prime Minister of Iraq, actor boy.

Yeah, I didn’t even finish that sentence. The first half is so gloriously retarded that I find no reason to continue. Your alcohol-addled brain is living in opposite land. You know that show Sliders that was on the Sci-fi channel? I think you are trapped in another reality, one that is mostly filled by simpletons.

Okay, wait. I’m just trying to figure this out. The Obama people are wrong for talking shit about McCain’s “greatness” and in the next paragraph, you do the exact same thing and attack a retired General. Got it.

Much like your brain, which lives in Lake Scotch.

Don’t people have to know your humanitarian work for you to be “well-known for humanitarian work?” I know his daughter hates him, but that’s about it. And I now know that Voight doesn’t care about facts, he simply hears some blathering asshole yammering and he pretends it is true. Nothing he stated in this shocking display of reality disengagement is true. Nothing.

If Voight and his kind believe Obama is a Socialist, they might want to pick up a book about Socialism. If we are going to be so loose with our descriptions, I will now call Voight what he is: A Nazi. I know, it’s crazy, but we’re just pulling scary terms out of our assholes that are not at all applicable, which make Voight a Nazi. Bummer for him.

You lucky son of a bitch. You could have died this week, or been turned into a vegetable by doing to many whippits, or salvia. But you made it. God damn it, I am proud of you. And to show you just how proud I am, I'm making a list of the worst human beings on the planet. It’s called the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, strap on your plastic vest and kilt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, the American press are the most embarrassing Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet.

McCain was back at it again this week. By "back at it," I mean he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. But this time his little fact switcharoo was aided by CBS News. Johnny was being interviewed by Katie Couric and this little moment transpired.

It’s a “matter of history” in an opposite world. Let’s take a look at the actual history:

2006 - The Anbar Awakening.

2007 - The Surge.

So, that’s the opposite of what McCain said. The Bush Administration started paying off Sunni fighters who had been killing our soldiers in late 2006. The Surge began in the spring/summer of 2007. So, how did CBS handle this mistake? Drill him further? Nope, they just switched out McCain’s answer when the news aired, that way it looked like Johnny didn’t make a mistake at all.



Nice work, CBS. There really is no point having a free press with companies like you around.

Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Monticello, Minnesota wanted to attract more peeps to their city and someone came up with a crazy idea: Build a fiber-optic network. The assumption was if they built the network people and business would follow. Seventy-four percent of the town’s residents voted for a bond measure to get it done. It all seemed a go.

Wow. Spectacularly horrible. The Bridgewater Telephone Company needs to rename itself the Asshole Fuckface Telephone Company.

And they just kind of made it up.

Hopefully the city will be reimbursed for this frivolous lawsuit and the company heads will have to register as Asshole Fuckfaces where ever they are.

Next up, a California Asshole Fuckface.

You may recognize Representative Duncan Hunter as a failed presidential candidate or because he is one of the all time great douchebags. Oh, and he likes to feed starving refugees. Yay!

How awesome is that? Hunter wants to feed Darfur refugees and maybe bring some attention to the genocide thingy that is going on.

Um. Okay. That got weird really fast. Now, our embassy in Chad wasn’t sure what to do, because that is a batshit crazy idea and a logistical nightmare. So, they asked for the State Department’s help on how to deal with Hunter. Here’s what the State Department came up with:

Wow. The State Department is such a party bummer. Why can’t some dude kill an animal, cut up the meat, slog it over to a refugee camp and throw pieces of raw meat at starving refuges? Maybe because there no wildebeests there. (There are a few, but they are protected in a no-hunting refuge.)

Now, obviously, Duncan will go to the camp and observe the food distribution, right? Because that’s why he wanted to go to Africa.

Oh. Someone should tell the Asshole Fuckface that wildebeests in Kenya and Tanzania are "under threat from poachers." And Asshole Fuckfaces.

Finally, I can always count on one Connecticut Asshole Fuckface to always be there for me.

This week Senator Joey Lieberman spoke at the Christians United for Israel Washington-Israel Summit. The summit is hosted by the wonderful pastor John Hagee. Hagee holds some super ideas about stuff; like that Hurricane Katrina was caused by a gay pride parade in New Orleans.

Lieberman obviously sees Hagee a bit differently than those of us with souls. Hagee was attacked by blogs for his horrible comments and Asshole Fuckface Joe believes that would put Hagee in some awesome company.

Right. Bloggers would fucking hate Moses, because saying gays caused Katrina and parting the Red Sea are very, very similar. Oh, and Moses might have been a bit different in this age of technology. Oh, and you're a moron.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper stress ball.

FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Smell that? It's a giant pile of bullshit called the free market falling from the sky. Socialism is constantly warned against and the free market held up as a great God. The free market will solve all it's problems until the rich fuck up because of their routinely unpunished greed. Then we get what we are now witnessing: Socialism for the rich. Welcome to it. It's America.

Yesterday, Congress passed a bill to bail out our largest mortgage holders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Turns out Freddie and Fannie sort of made a whole lot of shitty loans to people who couldn't afford them, and like any good capitalist, they asked for and received a kick ass amount of cash from Uncle Sam. All in a shitty days work. The people who run Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and Bear Sterns are now the leading Socialists in our country. Hail their courage and prepare for those on their heels: Washington Mutual and Wachovia.

And what are we, the American people, getting in return? Turns out nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. You know who does get something? Richard Syron. Who's he? He's the dude running Freddie Mac who is getting paid for doing an awesome job.

It's hard being total losers and they should be compensated. Look, when companies give their CEOs shitloads of cash, that's their problem. Stockholders need to rise up and take care of it. It's their house and they need to clean it. But when a corporation turns into such a giant pile of shit that they need the government to save their ass, it's a different story. Syron shouldn't make a dollar more than the highest paid civil servant, because that's what he became today. Actually, Syron and Dodd shouldn't have a job. They should be fired and forced to return their massive 2007 salaries. All management of these two companies should be fired.

And we should be getting a sweet piece of both those companies. That's normally what happens when one gives a corporation an enormous amount of cash. The government should receive a percentage of stock and then compensation when Freddie and Fannie start making money again. Why the fuck should we give these financial idiots money if we aren't going to see a return? Or we should let them fail.

This is pretty simple; a bunch of rich assholes made bad decisions and took on risky mortgages and now taxpayers are bailing them out. It's called not punishing someone for doing something wrong. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are basically Paris Hilton at this point. I understand the need to bail them out. I don't understand not taking anything in return -- or punishing the guilty parties.

They did just learn a lesson: Do whatever you want, it's all good.

Of course, the right wing machine is going into overdrive, explaining that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are the product of too much regulation. They just conveniently leave out Bear Sterns massive bailout. So, when you hear some right wing asshole claiming the reason for Freddie Mac and Fannie May's problems are regulation, just use two words: Bear Sterns. Free market, my ass.



FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Now that we are in the middle of an energy disaster brought on by years of idiotic energy policy that were begun under the Grand Retard, Ronald Reagan, let’s take a look at what Jimmy Carter wanted to do. We didn’t do much of it, because Carter told Americans the truth and we cried like fucking babies and continued to shit our pants. If we had listened to Carter, we’d be toilet trained by now. Instead, we are living in the most horribly shit-in diapers of all time. And it’s pretty much all the fault of the right wing.

Carter delivered an energy speech on July 15, 1979. At the time, things were not looking good. The U.S. was being hit by record high energy prices, severe energy shortages, and a recession. (Sound familiar?) People were pissed at Carter, causing his approval ratings to plummet to Bush-like depths. Imagine that. A president as unpopular as Bush. So, Carter gave a speech, during which he asked the American people to adapt to the energy crisis, its limits and to change our ways.

Carter said, "Human identity is no longer defined by what one does but by what one owns." He was right, of course. But Carter didn’t have the ability to convince his fellow lawmakers to make the tough choices. He was labeled a “pessimist.” Naturally, for every pessimist, there is an optimist. In this case, it was Ronald Reagan. Reagan blew hot wind up America’s ass and we went right back to our destructive ways. Reagan was a pretty fucking stupid human being. As matter of fact, he was shockingly stupid. Had we listened to Carter and accepted a bit of personal responsibility, we might not be driving rapidly toward a cliff today.

The problems Carter identified in his speech were our dependence on oil and the connection among consumption, energy use, and environmental change. Sound familiar?

Here are some highlights from Jimmy Carter’s “Crisis of Confidence” Speech.

And no. Not only will we, but we’ll use more and more and more. Jimmy didn’t really foresee the right wing jerk off transportation vessel called The Hummer and the murder of alternative energy.

Good luck with that.

Could you imagine if we had the intelligence to follow through with this? Twenty-percent solar? We’d be a tad better off. Carter was saying we needed the largest “peacetime commitment of funds” because our path would obviously lead to wars. And it has. And it will lead to more, and eventually a world war.

Uh. Okay. Not so great. Coal’s a bit of a bummer. But it is preferable to being controlled by OPEC and having to take over countries like Iraq and Afghanistan in order to keep our gluttonous habits going. Carter was actually successful with this one. He reduced the percentage of oil used in our electricity production from 20% to 3%. He also expanded the Clean Air Act to combat the effects of coal power generation.

Anyone want to guess when the last refinery was built in the U.S.? Try 32 years. That's the free market kicking ass and taking numbers. Although, South Dakota is now threatening to build one. That would be 1 in 32 years.

No fucking shit. This is the point where I want to dig up guys like Reagan, just to shit on their head. Personal fucking responsibility is the great enemy of right-wingers. Reagan killed all the tax credits that would have allowed people to "build conservation into their homes."

Whoa! Public transportation! Now close your eyes and imagine every city with a working subway system, or rail line. Mmmm. Carter. Jimmy also pushed for fuel economy standards in cars to reduce oil consumption. Republicans fought back. And they created tax rebates for giant SUVs and Hummers.

No shit. But that’s not the Republican way. The Republican way is to get more money into the pockets of oil companies. Every step outlined above takes money away from the oil boys. So, when Reagan took over, he slowly eliminated anything that would have led us away from a path of energy independence.

Instead of confronting the problem head on, Reagan chose to mock Carter. He went after the president, claiming he blamed the American people for the energy crisis – because Carter had the gall to ask Americans to sacrifice and conserve. It was, quite simply, a moron vs. a thinking man.

And that has been the right wing stance ever since. Conservatives have no ability to comprehend complex answers to the energy challenges we face. It’s like trying to talk to a cat about math. So, when you hear a Republican telling us how we should drill off the coast of our country, please urinate on their face. Because drilling was their answer to the crisis in the '70s and we did it. It has not helped. No one should ever listen to a Republican when it comes to energy. There is only one answer: Invest in alternative energy now.

If a right wing asshole attempts to open his pork rind hole, tell him the story of the solar panels on the White House. Jimmy Carter had them installed during his presidency. Reagan then had them torn down. He also killed off tax cuts for solar power and gutted our solar research program. How’d that work out? Oh, I can tell you. Two of the solar researchers he fired went on the win Nobel prizes – in other fields. Because he was a Class A fucking idiot.

FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Wow. Here we are. Who knew we would make it another week and enjoy the horrors of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup together? Sadly, I had much to choose from this week. Some of the Fuckfaces only received a second place nod on my blog. I gathered the rest together so that your eyes may feast on the depths of mankind. And here they are. I’ve scoured the news for the worst people on Earth, so that you may feel better about yourself by looking down on them. So, put on a giant plastic lampshade because this is going to be horrible.

First up, Dubai shows us their Asshole Fuckface skills.

Dubai has gotten a bit of a reputation as a place where the rich go to play. That is all well and good, as long as they aren’t gay. This week Dubai “cracked down” on gay people.

Thank God you Asshole Fuckfaces cracked down on the terrible crime of men wearing women’s clothing, while you walk around in white moo moos. A Dubai paper claimed 40 were arrested. Nobody can explain the difference in the numbers.

Right. That and they arrest people for having less than a grain of salt worth of pot on the sole of their shoe. Here’s a tip: Don’t visit Dubai. Ever.

Next up, our gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces.

South Carolina doesn’t like being called gay. Not at all. A lot of Asshole Fuckfaces in the state are upset with a London Tube ad that claims, "South Carolina is so gay."



The ad was created by a London gay tour operator to encourage tourism to “gay-friendly” areas. I guess that didn’t work out so well.

Republican State Senator David Thomas lost his straight shit.

Right. And it will cause gay confusion.

Dude, beaches don’t have a sexual preference. Just a tip. Also, you are a horribly uptight, straight man who is scared of gay people. How much do you want to bet there are “gay beaches” all over the place and no one told you?

Uh oh. Them’s fightin’ words. Did you just call my beach “gay?” Huh? I’ll kick your ass.

The posters also advertised the gay-friendly cities Atlanta, Boston, Las Vegas, New Orleans and Washington, D.C. No one gave a shit in those cities. But South Carolina refused to pay the $5,000 advertising fee, asked that the posters be removed, and a state employee was forced to resign. Good work.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface needs to stop the party.

Meet Robert Hood, of Caldwell, Texas. He’s 44-years-old and he is just getting the party started. Holy shit is he getting the party started.

Hood was arrested for a DUI on Sunday in Omaha, Nebraska, July 4 in Mitchell, South Dakota, July 7 in Deadwood, South Dakota, and on July 8 in Platte County, Wyoming. I am very impressed by anyone who is arrested two days in a row in two different states for DUI. It’s time for Bobby to get a bumper sticker that says, “Can’t Stop The Party.”

Ready for the good news?

The system works! Seriously, though, a real life Ronnie Dobbs is out there, people. Stay low.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface parents have no boundaries.

Stephanie Martinez was working as a clerk at Pizza Patron in Denton, Texas last weekend. Suddenly, a robber burst in, wearing a wig and sunglasses and said, “Give me the money!” Stephanie began emptying out her register, when the other clerk went Charles Bronson on his ass.

Uh. I’m sorry, what did you say? Turns out the entire family is chock full O’ Asshole Fuckfaces. The wife was also arrested. Oh, and Stephanie sort of knew what was going on.

Oh, that’s cool. Seriously, no worries. As long as she didn’t know it was specifically going to be the pizza place she works at, we’re cool. She sounds like a great woman and nothing like her father.

I’m not.

Stephanie isn’t very close with her father, mostly because of the jail thing.

Really? Well, he just tried to reach out to you; maybe you should give him a chance. Stephanie’s mom, dad and husband were all arrested. Stephanie is free to breed and keep this genetic marvel going.

And, finally, the many Asshole Fuckfaces of the Republican Party.

You know you have taken the wrong position when you have to blatantly lie to get people on your side. The current ridiculous talking point of the right wing is that “not a drop of oil was spilled” during Hurricane Katrina.



It’s obviously a talking point, because they are all saying the exact same line. All of the Asshole Fuckfaces were allowed to repeat a lie on a major news channel without a reporter questioning the validity of their statement. They appeared on CNN, CNN Headline News, Fox Business Network, Fox News, and MSNBC.

Here’s the truth, and I included a pretty picture.



Due to hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there were 124 offshore oil spills that released a total of 743,700 gallons of oil. The largest single spill was 152,250 gallons, which is considered to be a “major spill.” Onshore, there were 595 oil spills. Altogether, 9 million gallons were spilled. Just to compare, the Exxon Valdez spilled 10.8 million gallons.

Nine million gallons or not a drop. Easy mistake to make. Finally, yesterday, one of the only decent journalists in America (who Hillary Clinton tried to get fired) questioned the bullshit talking point.



Jesus. She just lied again to cover for her lie. Spills and seeps cannot be compared.

This is going to be a long summer of Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each win a FearTheReaper leather helmet.

Barack Obama decided a month or so ago to begin taking the traditional Democratic path to the White House. It involved looking as much like a Republican as possible. They do this in order to win over the independents, who are apparently all Republicans. It’s been a fantastic way to lose, as has been demonstrated by Dukakis, Gore and Kerry. Obama’s current blunder involves his FISA vote and it is going to cost him where it hurts most: His bank account.

I will not be voting for Obama. Obviously, I’ve taken a lot of crap over the past week or so for taking this stance, but I’m just tired of this shit. There is a line, and in my opinion, Obama crossed it. I’m a liberal and I’ve sat and watched this country torn apart by complete and total douchebags for the past eight years. They have rolled back law after law, taken away right after right, and we’ve been forced to sit back and hope it all ends at some point. It is now apparent Obama is not the answer.

And don’t give me the, “You’re bailing because of ONE issue” bullshit. The Constitution is not an issue; it’s the foundation of our country. Obama is, and always has been, a centrist. I have no problems with that. As a matter of fact, I was already compromising by supporting Obama. Most of my support rose from my dislike of Hillary, but I also was encouraged by his stance against lobbyists. I expected Obama to take centrist positions on many issues, but I didn’t expect him, being a Constitutional lawyer, to vote to undermine the 4th amendment. Quite a few of us are pissed and rightfully so. This is a straw that broke the camel’s back moment for me.

As the presumptive nominee, Barack could have easily rallied his fellow Democrats to stop the FISA bill. The Democrats could not afford to stand against their nominee on such a important bill. By doing so, he would have been seen as a leader, a fighter, a savior of civil liberties and raised his political capital. He could have created an enormous gulf between himself and McCain/Bush on the issue of people’s rights – something Americans have a tendency to look upon favorably. But he didn’t. He decided this was the time to prove his right-wing credentials.

We’ve been living under the most lawless president of all time; a man who lives without rules and is not held accountable by Congress for his many illegal deeds. When we handed Congress back to the Democrats in 2006, it was with the expectation that Bush would be, at the very least, reeled in. That has not occurred, as a matter of fact, and the opposite has been the result.

So, when Obama decided to vote for the FISA bill, using the old Democratic blue print for failure, I was done. I have given him money over the past few months, but no more. After watching Bush do it for years, I have zero interest in a Democratic president who is even slightly okay with the same behavior.

And I really am not interested in Lawrence Lessig explaining to me that I am being "hysterical" or Theda Skocpol telling me that I am a "whiner." Trust me, I get it. I understand that Obama will move to the center on some issues, like his “faith based initiatives” and executing child rapists. But FISA is too far. And I get the implications of my actions. McCain may win. If he does, that will be on Obama’s head for taking the traditional route of failure in the general election. It is astounding to see the same pattern of “I will show I am strong on security by taking the most insane political position, only to be called a pussy on security anyway” taken by Obama. It’s just a loser position that Democrats seem all to excited to take.

This year, Democrats have won special elections in several Republican strong hold congressional districts. In every race FISA came up and was pushed hard by Republicans. And in every race, the Democrat stood his ground and won. These were districts Bush won by huge margins. They practically lit a runway, using bonfires, showing Obama the route to take. But he went the traditional Democratic spineless route.

Obama’s big on “telling it like it is.” He’s not going to hold back – and apparently he will do the same with votes in the Senate. So, just as he can take hard stands, Obama supporters have to accept that he lost a few votes over the past couple of weeks. And a lot of money. Comes with the territory of doing what he thinks is right, I guess.

To me, shitting on the Constitution is no different than bombing Iran or making abortion illegal. It’s that big of a deal. And I’m not alone. Most people aren’t holding back their votes, like I am. Most are just holding back their money. That’s how we send a message to today’s politician that he fucked up. And it’s not a few people, from what I am reading. When I received a call asking if I would donate more, I told them why I was no longer contributing to the campaign. The staffer then read the prepared and obviously written FISA excuse speech. It was pretty obvious I was not the first guy to explain why I won’t be donating.

The hacky retort to my position is, “You may as well vote for McCain.” No. Not voting for someone is not the same as voting for his opponent. I do, however, very much believe that things need to get worse before they get better. We need to bottom out, as it were, and Republicans are the whiskey. Obviously things will not work as they are, with one party destroying the rule of law, ripping apart the economy and stripping away our rights, while the mythical opposition party does the same, while they claim to be against the whole process. I’ve never been happier to not be a member of the Democratic Party. They truly stand for nothing and the only way to right this ship is to have it collapse on itself.

I’m sort of glad Obama pulled this FISA move now. I believe this was a massive blunder by the Obama campaign. He needs his base to be “fired up” and to work for him, hitting the streets, making phone calls and donating regularly. He lost a few of those people. Quite a few. Sure, most of them will vote for him but the enthusiasm is gone. His campaign was all about enthusiasm. Now the enthusiastic ones are spending their time trying to convince people like me to vote for him, while many others are no longer enthusiastic. They should look to his new peeps, who are farther over to the right. Way farther.

Obama will probably win. The only thing that can stop him is a terrorist attack. He's up in the polls and pollsters aren't even calling people who only have cell phones, so he's probably way up. But I'm done. For now, I will give to Strange Bedfellows, the ACLU, and nobody else.

FearTheReaper still dislikes Hillary more, so shut your face. And you can read more FTR on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The Green Party had a nice little run, but they have clearly turned into the joke they were always destined to be. The Green Party began in 1991 and was based on the Germany Green Party. The Greens stand for “environmentalism, non-hierarchical participatory democracy, social justice, respect for diversity, peace and nonviolence.” Oh, and they nominate clowns to be president.

In 1995, the Green Party decided to make a run for the presidency. Many Greens were opposed, wanting instead to go after local offices and slowly build from the bottom up. Naturally, they went after Ralph Nader to be their candidate. Who wouldn’t want a cranky, old man to run the country? Nader accepted the nomination and then placed a $5,000 campaign-spending limit, in order to avoid filing a financial statement with the FEC. After buying pencils, they were pretty much out of money. Nader made it onto 22 state ballots and pulled in a whopping 685,297 votes, or 0.7% of all votes cast. The only way was up. Seriously, they probably couldn’t do worse.

The Green Party continued to grow and focus on local races around the country. Then 2000 rolled around and it was time to get the Nader monster moving again. The timing was perfect for a 3rd party, because of the ugly partisanship that was happening in Washington. Bush actually ran as the candidate of “change.” In the end, according to popular belief, Nader won just enough votes to keep Gore out of the White House. People forget that Gore actually lost a debate or two to Bush and was as stiff and exciting as a door. He also ran an atrocious campaign and probably deserved to lose. Oh, and Bush stole the election.

Regardless of all that, Nader was blamed for the loss. Members of the Green Party were blamed for a complete idiot taking over the presidency and they have been on the defensive ever since. As the 2004 elections began to heat up, Democrats put a lot of pressure on the Green Party and Ralph Nader not to run. The Green Party split into different factions, each with their own idea of how to proceed. Some wanted to not run at all, some wanted to avoid swing states and others wanted to go for it. In the end, they went for it.

This is where it gets awesome. Ralph Nader decided to run as an Independent. So, the Greens nominated attorney David Cobb as their candidate. Then Ralph decided he wanted the endorsement of the Green Party. Got that? He didn’t want the nomination, only the endorsement of a party that already had a candidate. And many of them went for it. Several high up Green Party members went to work for Nader.

In the end, Cobb was on the ballot in 28 states, while Nader was on the ballot in 35 states. Nader received 465,650 votes, while Cobb reeled in a massive 119,859 votes. The total was 2.3 million less than in 2000. Who would have thought after the 2000 election and with a tiny party split in two that they would only pull down 600,000 votes?

Now, it’s 2008 and the Green Party has decided to go from cranky old man to bat shit crazy lady. Nader declared early on that he would decline the Green Party nomination. I guess that’s why he won the California and Massachusetts Green Parties. Why would you want to stop the cranky old "I don't want it" man magic? So, the Green Party looked elsewhere. Instead of choosing one of their own, a member with not as much visibility, but someone who adheres to their policies and has worked within the party for years, they went with a former Democratic nutjob, Cynthia McKinney. I honestly don’t know if they could have found a worse candidate. It’s spectacular ineptitude. The woman is a train wreck. She was basically driven from her party with pitchforks and didn't leave behind many friends. She has a knack for saying the very worst thing possible.

During the 2000 presidential race, Cynthia let this gem slip:

Gore was obviously upset, mostly because his campaign manager, Donna Brazile, was black.

In 2002, Cynthia went a little too far on a Berkeley radio station and kinda alluded that the Bush administration took down the twin towers.

She makes a good point. Why didn't Bush warn all those people in the World Trade Center before he had it blown up? (Citation needed) And…

Yay! The Carlyle Group! I love it! Get your conspiracy hat on!

Her fellow Democrats obviously scurried away like rats. McKinney was defeated in a 2002 Democratic primary by Denise Majette. Naturally, it was the Jews fault – at least according to her dear old Dad.

Could you spell that again please, this is radio after all. She obviously comes from quality stock.

In 2004, Cynthia won back her seat. During that term she was best known for punching a cop.

Lawmakers wear a pin that identifies them to police. Cynthia didn’t like wearing hers, for whatever reason. So, when the cop attempted to stop her, she took a swing. That is how lawmakers do things. Now, wait, I'm thinking of Bartertown. Of course, Cynthia claimed she was being “racially profiled.”

The Capitol police chief saw it differently.

No shit. Who would have thought? Sign that lady up for president! I would pay an enormous amount of money to get Cynthia into the presidential debates. She is a true liberal, but also a complete fucking nutter.

And as a bonus, if she is elected, then dies in office, we'll have our first Hip Hop President! Oh, yeah! McKinney picked her VP this weekend and it was none other than Rosa Alicia Clemente, community organizer, journalist and Hip-Hop activist. I understand she has mad skillz.

This should be the end of the Green Party. They have gone from being a party with an interesting philosophy to seeking out any clown with a name. And Cynthia McKinney is one hell of a clown.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and comedian. He also writes a blog, called Stop All Monsters.

The New Yorker magazine is probably best known for its cartoons which never seem to make any sense and are rarely funny ... kind of like TheCoolerKing*.

Their latest cover, in an attempt for humor or satire or relevance or attention, portrays Barack and Michelle Obama in an illustration featuring "fantastical images" that left the Obama camp fantastically offended.

I'm sure it seemed like a great idea at the time, but in today's politically correct society they had to have expected the fallout.

Of course, it's obviously satirical to anyone with a brain in their head, but remember that we're talking about America here ... a country whose current president wouldn't know satire from a ham sandwich.

How many people are going to totally miss the true point of the cartoon and only see what is portrayed within? For how many people (West Virginia, I'm looking at you!) is this going to be a confirmation of all of their fears rather that an attempt to mock them?

Most importantly, how many copies above current circulation is this thing going to sell before the inevitable apology and removal?

Get it fresh from the newsstands, folks, and stash it away for a couple of years when it'll probably fetch a pretty penny on eBay.


*That was crispy's attempt at satire.

Good for you. I mean it. You survived another week and can now enjoy the fruits of your living: The Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Feel free to take a moment to pinch yourself. The Asshole Fuckface Society of Earth has been pointing out the worst of the worst for centuries. We’ve traced it as far back as Seamus McMickerson, an Irishman who lived during the 890’s. He first coined the term because Patty O’Whitey took a shit in his potato patch. True story. Now the job has been passed to me, FearTheReaper. Every week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst. I drag them into the light and we laugh at them. It’s pure joy. So, put on your giant turtle shell body because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface is an entire group of people who decided to take a big crap on a 200-year-old document this week.

Meet the Democratically controlled Congress. They are an amazing bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. They just obliterated the 4th amendment. They voted to end the NSA spying scandal, to immunize lawbreaking telecoms, to terminate all lawsuits against the telecoms, and, worst of all, to give the president a bunch of new warrantless spying powers. Not bad for a day's work.

Hey, look! Benjamin Franklin thinks you’re a douche, Obama. I just think you’re an Asshole Fuckface.



There is no excuse for what the Democrats have done with this FISA bill. There is no excuse for Obama voting for this bill. It’s not a liberal or conservative position; it’s an American position. Voting for the FISA bill was, quite simply, un-American. And no, I won't be voting for him now. Those who voted for this bill have no valid reasons, all they can do is ridicule those of us who support the Constitution.



Next up, I can always count on Wal-Mart for some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery.

Shawnedria McGinty was shopping at her local Wal-Mart in Texas. Er. Wait. “Shawnedria McGinty?” That’s the most insane name I’ve ever seen. Okay, moving on. Shawnedria was perusing the comic book shelves when she came across a popular Mexican comic book called "Memin Pinguin." She only had one question as she looked at it…

Super question. Let’s take a look and judge for ourselves.



Hey, who's that little fella down wearing the baseball ha... Holy fucking shit! It’s the most racist comic book of all time!

Sounds perfect for Wal-Mart. Look, they understand their shopping clientele – who just happen to enjoy comic books about black people who look like monkeys. Wal-Mart recently began selling the book because the company is a giant Asshole Fuckface, but they have now pulled them off the shelves.

Next up, more racist Asshole Fuckfacery from Republicans.

Many Republicans have no idea that they are horrible, horrible racists. They just think they are being funny, but now that Obama is running for president, their heinous hijinks are coming out into the open. Take the Pemberton Republican Club of New Jersey. They have a website and they posted a hilarious statement this week.



Hey, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit! It’s funny! Get it? OJ Simpson is black. Obama is black. OJ murdered his wife and got away with it. Obama is running for president. Wait…

What Asshole Fuckface could possibly think that was something that should be put on a website? Oh, right, a Republican Asshole Fuckface. There will be so much more of this kind of shit before November…

My final Asshole Fuckface was a man on a mission.

Ahmad Suradji lives in Indonesia. His mission was simple: He wanted to gain magical powers. Now, there are several ways to gain magical powers. You can slay a dragon. You can do what I did; capture a unicorn and bugger it. Or, you can do what Ahmad did.

Uh, okay. I was with you up to a point, Ahmad. If you are killing all your customers, what’s the point of having magical powers? Kind of a big catch-22, isn’t it Ahmad?

Over the 11 years, Ahmad killed 42 women and girls. But he could FLY!

He was executed this week. So long, Asshole Fuckface!

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper tent.

FearTheReaper is a stand up comic, writer and actor. You may read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Water is a finite resource. The planet doesn’t make more. I’m not going to explain it to you, because you should have learned it in 6th grade. One would hope you paid attention when your teacher explained the rudimentary facts about the planet -- or that you had the slightest bit of intellectual curiosity to look into it. It’s called the water cycle, look it up.

Alright, here’s a pretty picture, dummy.



Over the years, the population of the planet has adjusted to the water cycle. For instance, here in California, we expect snow and snow melt to occur regularly every year. We have built our water reservoir system around this pattern. Many other cities and countries around the world have done the same. Oh, and only 1% of the Earth's water supply is usable for domestic purposes.

But now, the situation is changing. Population is exploding. Idiots are moving in droves to places like Nevada. Pesticides and other toxins are polluting fresh water sources. Agriculture needs more and more water to feed more and more people. And worst of all, the Earth’s climate is rapidly changing, which is leading to a change in things like snowpack and snowmelt.

The snowpack is less and the snowmelt is occurring far too early. That means more rain goes directly into the sea and becomes salt water, instead of going into my tummy or washing my balls. Also, as glaciers melt, sea levels rise, which means salt water will encroach into once, isolated fresh water bodies. Basically, we are fucked. And I mean, in the poop shoot fucked.

Here’s how this is going to work: The wet will get wetter and the dry will get dryer. That means places where people should have never set up a city in the first place are screwed. Phoenix is an affront to God. It is a classic example of man thinking he is better than nature. Same goes for Las Vegas. Their existence is heinous and someday they will cease to exist as they currently do. It’s as if after thinking about the two most precious resources on Earth, the planners of those two cites said, “Hey, how can we do everything wrong?”

There should not be one golf course or lawn in Las Vegas. Not one. The English, who live in the dampest and most horrible place on Earth, created lawns. Vegas casinos already ship water by truck to run their fountains – and they should, because they are in a fucking desert. “Desert” comes from the Latin desertum, meaning "an unpopulated place."

Currently, 70% of Vegas water use is for lawns and golf courses. Good luck keeping that shit green, you gluttonous fucks.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why is FearTheReaper so upset with Vegas?” Well, because Vegas is the Hummer of the United States. I think we should drag people out of their Hummers and push their faces onto the hot asphalt. They are using too much gasoline. They are cunts. Self absorbed, ignorant fucks. Vegas is to water what Hummers are to gasoline. It affects everyone because they are using a precious resource. Vegas takes much of its water from the Colorado River. Many other cities and towns use the water, as well. The river supplies water to 25 million people and 1 million acres of farmland.

This is where it gets nasty. States will be fighting over water and it will get ugly. Hell, the whole world will be fighting over water.

In the US, we have it much better than the rest of the world. Unless people across the globe change their ways by 2025, two-thirds of the world's population will face water scarcity. We will add another 3 billion morons by 2050, which means we will need an 80% increase in water supplies. Ninety percent of wastewater produced in the Third World is discharged, untreated, into local rivers, streams, and coastal waters. Right now, every eight seconds, a child dies from drinking dirty water. Anyone see a problem?

I grew up in Northern California and it was engrained in me to hate Southern California. Now, I live in Los Angeles, but I fully understand I live in a self-involved population and that we are unwilling to make the sacrifices or even understand the harm we cause other areas. The battle between Northern and Southern California will intensify to the point that Los Angelenos may actually realize that San Franciscans hate them.

California would be two separate states if it weren’t for water. Southern California sucks every drop it can get from the North. They have even tried to put water in giant bags and ship it down south. Already, many Californians are suffering from a lack of potable water.

Development is being been hampered by water, which means higher prices for houses and apartments.

No, they can’t. And it’s only the beginning. California has a 20-year supply of freshwater left. Then things start to get weird. The state will be torn apart. North vs. South.

It’s happening all over the country. Parts of the US are running out of clean drinking water. Lake Superior has dropped to its lowest level in 80 years. New Mexico has 10 years of fresh water left. Arizona imports all its drinking water. In the Southeast, one only needs to take a look at Lake Lanier to see the horrifying road ahead.

Lake Lanier is a man-made reservoir at the headwaters of the Chattahoochee River. It was built in the 1950s to prevent flooding in Atlanta and nearby areas. Now it is the source of water for nearly 3 million of Atlanta’s clowns. Last fall the water level sank to an all-time low.

The Army Corps of Engineers controls the water flow. The river runs through Atlanta, along the Georgia-Alabama border to Florida and finally, into the Gulf of Mexico. Georgia, Alabama, and Florida have been fighting over Lanier’s water for 20 years. In 2003, Georgia reached an agreement with the Corps to increase Atlanta’s supply by 65%. The other states went to court and in February, that plan was scrapped.

The Lanier fight has become ugly due to a 2-year drought that just ended. It led to bans on outdoor water use and car washing. Georgia was fucked. How bad was it? Well, Georgia State Legislators actually want to MOVE THE BORDER.

You read that correctly. Georgia recently decided to go after the water in Tennessee. The State Legislature actually created a commission that would try to move Georgia's border with Tennessee 1.1 miles north. That would allow Georgia to get their hands on part of the Tennessee River. According to the good people of Georgia, a surveyor made a mistake in 1818 and they want their shit back. How do you think that’s going to go?

Everyone wants the same water. It’s doable when there’s lots of rain falling from the sky, but when there isn’t – bad, bad news. Oh, and when water levels drop in reservoirs, that means toxins become more concentrated, which increases the possibility that a body of water will become unusable. How fucking sweet is that?

How happy of a country will we be when a few states are selling water at inflated prices, so people in other states can survive?

I wonder how Canada will feel about the US taking all that water? Basically, we’re fucked. There’s just not enough water to sustain our current situation. We will have to change – something Americans hate to do. That means it will get much worse before there is any improvement.

In the near future, in many areas, there will be no lawns. There will be no pools. Cars will be filthy. There will be a timer on your shower. Bottled water will be for the rich. Houses will have rain collectors. Rich people will have their own private water tower supplied by a private Canadian water company. You’re going to have one of these. You’ll keep a bucket next to your tub, where you’ll save water and use it to flush your toilet by force. If you boil eggs, you’ll save the water for your plants – that is, if you have plants.

Most of the nation will fight to get their hands on water from the more wet areas of the country. There just is not enough water to go around. As the population increases, cities will become less and less capable of dealing with a reduction in rainfall. Droughts will become more and more devastating. And that doesn't even take into account pollution.

You may also enjoy FearTheReaper's new blog.

Holy shit, just when you think the right wing can’t be more retarded, WALL-E comes out and they lose their shit. Apparently, WALL-E is an evil movie full of “liberal propaganda” and “fear mongering.” The sweet little robot movie is poisoning the minds of our youth with its “agenda.”

Wha? Would that agenda be, “Don’t pollute and get off your ass?” Seriously? That is what they are getting upset about? What the fuck is wrong with these morons? And they are morons. Take a look:

Shannen Coffin:

Hey, lady named after the box we put dead people in, the movie is about love and the dangers of excess. Believing in exercise and using your mind are not part of the “liberal agenda.” That God you worship sort of set shit up like that. He gave you parts to use. The movie is saying if you don’t use the shit God gave you, then it ain’t gonna work out that well. As far as all the pollution, you may want to become familiar with the term “exaggeration” because it is a pretty common storytelling tool. And as far as it being an "awful" story - welcome to the world of being alone.

Greg Pollowitz

Welcome to the world of irony, Greg. I guess it would be “like a 90 minute lecture” if anyone in the movie spoke during the first hour. See, Greg, people speak during lectures. That is actually what a lecture is. You just compared a movie where no one speaks to a lecture and you were serious, which is hilarious. This was a visual feast, during which your simple brain was forced to work without being told everything. Oh, and it’s a FUCKING CARTOON. Are you still mad at Dr. Seuss because of The Lorax? I see no difference between you and a shit-throwing monkey.

Glenn Beck:

Here’s a tip, Glenn: The movie is set in the future, so they aren’t teaching you kids that we have destroyed the Earth, but that we may if we don’t change our ways. But, hey, now you can be as mad at robots as you are at penguins. Also, Glenn, please tell me if you know what a closed system is, because you sound mildly retarded.

Glenn, did you just attempt to make your point with Styrofoam? Did you actually just convey irritation that your child may ask a question about the overuse of Styrofoam? Do you actually think only people who are excited to tell their kids about the problems of Styrofoam (no one) will enjoy Wall-E? Has a thought ever entered your brain that you didn’t allow to come out of your mouth?

Dirty Harry:

Oh, dear. You stupid asshole. Do you not understand that art imitates life – and films in particular reflect what is happening in society at that moment? For you to take such umbrage at a subtle moment is both astounding and laughable. Not once during this film did I, someone who hates Bush to his core, think about President Bush. Only you right wing morons seem to be frothing at the mouth over this kind of shit. And yet, I bet you still love when a “Clinton getting a blow job” joke rolls out of Robin Williams' pie hole. Oh, and thanks for hating the movie about the dangers of excess but loving the movie about rats cooking food. That’s a great message for kids.

You’re a fucking tool.

Jonah Goldberg:

Hey, thanks for being able to see through all the incredibly offensive images and enjoying the movie. But, I’m going to have to call you out on being a douchebag. For you to use the term “fear mongering” in a negative fashion is the height of irony.

Jonah, had this movie been about a world destroyed by terrorism, you would have jerked off until your penis looked like it had gone 15 rounds with Rocky. Maybe if conservatives had a creative bone in their body, they might be able to knock a few of those out of the park. But you guys don’t, so you won’t. Bummer for you.

Gennady Stolyarov II

Egregiously unrealistic?

Gennady, you know that was a cartoon, right? You understand that there is a difference between cartoons and documentaries, right? You know that people don’t have superpowers, like that family in The Incredibles, right? And that toys don’t talk and run around, like they did in Toy Story? Also, you understand that you are a fucking moron, right?

I understand that the right wing seems to have no ability to form complex thoughts. And I am not kidding, or making a nasty comment. I truly believe they do not have the capability to construct complex thoughts. They only see simplicity and then react with grunts and shrieks. WALL-E is a classic example.

The movie is a love story first. And the true villain is technology – but not in an overt way. Advances in technology allowed humans to break with nature, which led them to become divorced from their humanity. Their culture and society is completely artificial and they have moved about as far away from being human as possible. WALL-E is now more human than humans, as he longs for an intimate connection and enjoys the fruits of labor. WALL-E is on Earth, living a natural and organic life, while humans are in space, living an artificial life. People have now become so reliant on technology that they communicate via computer while sitting right next to each other, while WALL-E attempts to communicate by speaking and finding a common bond. It’s irony!

My favorite aspect of the right wing hatred are the movie's religious undertones.

The robot Eve brings forth the new “apple” in the form of a plant that tempts them to leave the false world they have created, the false God of technology and instead choose life. Too bad the simplistic right wing monkeys couldn’t see the obvious religious undertones due to their rage over piles of animated garbage. Oh, and wasn’t one of the seven deadly sins “Sloth?” Does the right wing now believe that excess is okay? How the fuck did they get to this place? They are more cartoony than WALL-E.

FearTheReaper may have started a blog.

Just one day after Americans celebrated the birth of their horrible nation, they can celebrate something more important: Asshole Fuckface Roundup Day. Throw a fucking BBQ! Blow off some fireworks! Make love to a dog! It’s Asshole Fuckface day! Since man popped out of monkeys (I think that’s what happened) there have been Asshole Fuckfaces. And because of the existence of Asshole Fuckfaces, God made people like me, who scour the news to find the worst of the worst and drag them into the light, for all to see. We then mock them as a group and feel better about ourselves. The Buddha would have been seriously into this shit. So, strap on your favorite nylon vest and pants because it’s going to be messy.

First up, what’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without a Christian scared of words?

This week sprinter Tyson Gay won the 100 meter final at the Olympic Trials in Eugene, Oregon. He ran the race in 9.68 seconds, but the time will not stand as a record because there was a nice breeze blowing from behind him. What the fuck does this have to do with Christians? Well, they use auto-replace in the stories they pick up from the AP. I guess some words aren’t allowed and others are. Take gay and homosexual, for instance.



Nicely done, you Asshole Fuckfaces. How is living in fear of words going? Here’s what the article was supposed to look like. The crazy Christians realized the mistake made by their auto correct program and fixed it – but not before people noticed and called them out on their total and complete retardation.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces kick old ladies in the face for Jesus.

Canadian evangelist Todd Bentley is causing a bit of a stir in Florida. They are used to evangelists down there, but Todd seems to be going over the line a bit.

Why are they wary? Well, Todd has an interesting style. He is covered in tattoos, has a couple of lip piercings and loves pro wrestling. He had a few private conversations with angels seven years ago. Also, he claims that prayers have raised 25 people from the dead. The twice-daily show is a bit energetic.

Huh. Think that has anything to do with Bentley’s healing methods?



What? No setting someone on fire to stop their acne? Come on, Bentley, Jesus is calling.

Next, what would the Roundup be without a showing from our country’s greatest Asshole Fuckface.

This week Bush heaped praise on his administration and John McCain, by pretending they didn’t strongly oppose the new GI Bill.



Hey, that’s nice. Give credit to McCain, the guy who was fucking opposed to the bill, the guy Webb tried to convince for over a year to help him get this bill passed, they guy who said he thought the bill was a bad idea because it would make life better for soldiers, which would cause them to leave the military.

And, by all means, praise yourself, because you also opposed the legislation because soldiers might want to better themselves.

But now that Congress passed the GI Bill with a veto proof majority – George has decided to take credit. Go fuck yourself, you dirty cunt. You’re the worst president in the history of the United States. You can suck on that ‘til you die, you unparalleled failure.

Finally, one of the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces on the face of the Earth, John Stossel.

How awesome are oil companies? John Stossel breaks it down.



The guy who responded in that video was awesome.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper oil painting portrait.

The World Youth Day Papal Circus is due in Sydney (Randwick Racecourse) for six hellish days at the end of July. So far, things have been going well for the God botherers in fancy dress, as the secular state bends like a choir boy to get that clerical shaft of approval.

First, the good people of New South Wales have forked out over $160 million of tax payers' money (up from $40 million and still rising) to defray the costs that the poor Church is facing. Then we found out that large parts of the city would be restricted, including locking people out of their own driveways, knocking down public trees, and generally inconveniencing people trying to get on with their normal, everyday lives. Now, to top it all off, we've discovered we can't take the piss out of these idiots or protest the Catholic Church's repugnant policy towards pedophiles, sex education, or contraception.

These laws exceed anything that was put in place for the Olympics or APEC. Nice to know that being a skirt-wearing God botherer allows you to stop people from exercising their rights. Anti-abuse organisations have been specifically told that they must have any banners or T-shirts they wish to wear approved by the police (and no doubt through them, and the hard-core Catholic Police Commissioner, the Church) and must not protest at any of the main WYD sites or face arrest. So, first we rape your body as children and then we rape your rights as citizens. Great to see that the Church is still practicing the see no evil, hear no evil approach that let all these consecrated child molesters get away with abusing children for so long. Now, if all these annoying little people would just go away and let us worship our invisible friend in the sky in peace; at one with our misogyny and homophobia.

Hopefully, these laws are just going to provoke people to get very pissed and make their displeasure clear.

I was going to ignore the entire process, but now my annoying shirt and I are going to get an outing because I'll be damned if my rights are going to be impinged to protect the delicate sensibilities of people who believe they eat human flesh every Sunday.

The American economy is about to come to a grinding halt. You are totally fucked if you buy food, gas or anything. The U.S. economy is not just slowing down, but crashing, switching from strong positive growth to negative growth. This shit ain’t going to be pretty.

Obviously, housing prices are plummeting. Homes are sitting unsold and vacant in every neighborhood, as the grass turns brown and the plants die. Pools are turning into birth stations for mosquitoes. Many people are just walking away from their mortgages because their home is worth far less than what they owe. Thankfully, our government is bailing out the companies who made all the shady deals. It’s socialism for the rich! Yay!

You want to know how bad the housing market is....

Two for one houses! Oh, my God! We're fucking screwed!

Meanwhile, inflation is here and it’s a bit of an asshole. Prices on everyday products are going through the roof. Gas and milk are up to over $4 dollars a gallon. Just walking down the aisle at my local grocery story, I see product after product up around 25%. And the containers are smaller. It’s less food for more money. That’s how inflation works. But I can lose weight, so it’s pretty sweet!

The difference between this recession and past recessions is we are at a point where there is nothing left to squeeze. We’ve been experiencing inflation for years. No, not the economist bullshit technical term for inflation, but the kind you live through. Rising prices of non-traded goods, like insurance and health care, have been kicking the shit out of most Americans since the early '80s. And dollar-priced traded goods, like energy, for which we don’t have a substitute, have also been steadily rising for 10 years. Now we can expect cheap products, like the ones China sells to Wal-Mart, to shoot through the roof as the China yuan appreciates to avert domestic inflation. Suck it, America.

Now people are selling their gold jewelry, heirlooms and coins to get by.

Sounds fun. At the same time, there is a credit crunch. It is now harder to get loans and credit cards, because the banks fucked up and gave loans to a bunch of idiots who shouldn’t have gotten them. So, household access to credit is declining. People use credit to get through the hard times, but they are maxed out and the hard times aren’t even here yet. Seriously, they are not even here yet.

And people are losing their jobs as the economy slows. As it stands right now, the median U.S. household, if deprived of credit and income loss, has enough savings to last 18 days. That’s down from 30 days in 2001. We have been told to buy, buy, buy on credit for years. Now that incredibly moronic philosophy is coming to a quick and brutal end. That’s why people end up selling their gold watches and their children.

Where’s all that gold going? Shouldn’t the price drop if people are selling gold? Nope. The rich guys are snapping it up. Hedge funds, mutual funds, ETFs, investment banks and financial advisors, who have clients living the sweet life in the top 5% of net worth, are grabbing that gold. Since 2005, only the top 5% of American income earners have experience any real gain. It’s getting a little top heavy up in this bitch, like France 1790 top heavy. Get some scrap wood together and build a guillotine in that garage!

In the '70s, when we were in the same sort of economic situation, people lined up to buy gold and silver. They were converting their savings into gold and silver to protect it. But now, those people in the same income bracket are selling, because they don’t have savings, they have debt. So, they are buying dollars instead. At the same time, the Fed is printing money to fight the debt deflation unleashed by the housing bubble collapse, which causes the price of the dollar to drop and drop. It’s an epic disaster!

Debt deflation is a fucked up situation to live through. Here’s Dr. Steven Keen, an economist for the University of West Sydney who specializes in debt deflation, explaining what goes down.

Uh oh. That dude said 1930.

Hey, lookey! The stock market is tanking!

Yikes.

This is a train wreck. There has never been a period in the history of the world when the people carried the amount of debt we are carrying today. The lenders just finished lending out to the bottom of the barrel Americans: The sub-prime borrowers. Now it is biting them in the asshole. (Except, of course, the government is giving them tons of cash to make up for it.) And those borrowers were the end of the line. They were the people who did not deserve and never should have received loans. The problem is, they had to be doled out, because our economy is now a credit economy. We don’t make things anymore. We make our money from finance, investment and real estate. Or we did, anyway. That shit is coming to an end.

Gas is the tipping point. The United States was not constructed for high gas prices. As a country, we quite simply cannot function with such high prices. People who drive the greatest distances are those who can least afford the rise in price. The janitor who drives 50 miles to work in his SUV is completely fucked. He can’t sell the car, or afford the gas. Public transportation you say? There is not a city in this country that can handle the load of so many people making the switch to public transportation. There aren’t enough buses or trains. And if Bush bombs Iran, well, you can kiss the America you know goodbye. Think Mexico.

Even if situation does not get worse from here on out, this current mess will not work. When the vast majority of people are suffering and the rich are getting richer, the politics change. We are now there. Just take a look at the approval polls of Republicans. A shift is coming and it will change the way predatorial finance companies do business – but it will be ugly getting there.

People are beginning to understand that they are being lied to on a daily basis. You can’t tell us the economy is humming along; when we know it is not. And it hasn’t been for years. Every president since Reagan has changed the way economic information is collected and reported – Clinton was the worst of all. So, when the reality on the ground does not match what people are seeing, they stop believing you. There has always been a disconnect between politicians and the populace, but now that disconnect is just as large between the media and the people. That is where we are now and people are angry. America is a lit fuse.

Americans are fine when they are able to just scrape by. We took the years of working long hours or two jobs to afford that 100-mile a day commute to get to our overpriced house. America listened to the news, and the bogus economic statistics for years. Something didn’t seem right, but everyone went along. Now, with the housing disaster, insane gas prices, a plunging dollar and big time inflation, people are at their breaking point. It’s going to come very, very, soon.

We're going down.

Johnny can’t afford $1000 a month in gas. And he can’t afford the rise in food prices. And he’s got no savings. And he can’t afford health insurance. And he’s in massive debt. Who is Johnny going to get mad at? For every action there is a reaction. You can’t fuck over the poor the way this country has for 28 years without massive blowback. Time for the big boys to start watching their ass.

And that’s only the beginning. Periods of financial instability always lead to war. They always have. Wars begin because of debt. Oh, and some big country seems to be taking our oil….

It’s time to start dragging Bush Republicans out of their homes and urinating on their faces. If that is not possible, we should hold them down and rub human feces on their heads. Let’s just get this shit over with. They hate America and are doing everything they can to obliterate our future. They are corrupt, vile, devious creatures who deserve nothing but scorn and hate. What got me so riled up - besides tons of caffeine? Bush’s latest attempt to destroy solar energy. It’s pretty fucking amazing, considering the current state we find ourselves in.

I’ll get to the new solar bullshit in a minute, but first we should take a little trip into the past, back 10 years ago, when our government destroyed a U.S. owned wind power company. Ever heard of a company called Kenetech Windpower, formerly known as U.S. Windpower? No? That’s because it doesn’t exist anymore. Once it was the nation’s largest wind power producer, then our government murdered it.

Stanley Charren, who saw a future in wind as a power source, created U.S. Windpower in 1974. It began producing first generation wind turbines in the 80s. The company began attracting the biggest and smartest minds of alternative energy from around the world. They were leaders of wind power technology across the globe, which meant a U.S. owned company was poised to make a difference in alternative energy. Basically, they were kicking ass and taking numbers.

But the company was obviously fighting an uphill battle against Reagan retardation. (That’s the actual technical term.) Ronnie did everything he could to make sure alternative energy did not harm sweet, sweet Republican oil profits. He slowly repealed tax breaks and entitlements for wind power – but left the good old tax breaks for oil. Go figure.

And yet, U.S. Windpower kept moving forward. The company renamed itself Kenetech and had long-term contracts with California that kept it crawling along. Then Kenetech had a break through: Model 33M-VS.

In 1991, Kenetech’s California contracts ran out, but the company struggled along – without the tax breaks given to big oil and even though oil prices were plummeting. The company began landing other large contracts with states like Maine and foreign countries, like Canada and Ukraine. Kenetech was also developing projects in Spain, Holland, the United Kingdom, Germany, Honduras, Costa Rica, New Zealand, India, China, Guatemala, and Egypt. A U.S. alternative energy company was poised to become a major global player. But our government wasn’t big on the idea.

In 1995, (Yeah, that’s Clinton’s time, dipshits. He was a Republican who called himself a Democrat) the EPA and the BLM suspended construction on a Kenetech wind-farm project in western Wyoming. Why? Turns out the EPA needed to complete an “environmental impact statement.” It was necessary because Clinton was a corporate whore who got on his knees and gobbled for every big company that came around. That was August 1995.

Turns out that if a struggling company is developing a large wind farm and you pull the rug out from under them, they fail. Kenetech declared bankruptcy in May 1996. In 1999 another company, Tacoma Power, completed the Wyoming Wind Project. The Foote Creeke Rim is one of the windiest places in the US.

Now, you’re probably asking why this is such a big deal. An American company called Tacoma Power developed the wind farm in the end, so it ends will, right? Wrong. What happened was Reagan and Clinton combined to destroy an American company that was the leader in wind power technology. After the destruction of Kenetech, the torch was passed to European companies, like Vestas, who are now the leaders of wind power technology. Americans could be building the fucking things and leading the way, but we're not.

We still have GE, but that has not stopped European companies from pouring into the country and consolidating control of U.S. renewable energy space. We are now back in the pack. We should have been first. Reagan killed the tax cuts and Clinton landed the final blow.

But why stop at just wind power? We are America, after all. We can't lead the pack in anything. Not with the retards we call leaders. Yes, our wonderful president, George Bush, is attacking solar power with the exact same plan.

How many American companies will die a miserable death because of this move? How will it affect America’s standing in this burgeoning solar market? How will if effect the amount we pay for energy?

Oh, and don’t forget that Republicans are blocking Congress from renewing tax credits from solar companies, while blocking the elimination of tax breaks for oil companies.

The Bureau of Land Management owns 650 million acres of land, much of that in the hot west. It is the most valuable land in terms of solar energy potential. Bush just destroyed the solar business in the U.S. This is another epic disaster from the Bush White House.

Guten Morgen! Aujourd'hui est le Roundup de los Asshole Fuckfaces! How great is that? Yes, we have survived another week and now our eyes can feast on the most horrible people on Earth. For centuries my pale ancestors have scoured the planet looking for the worst of the worst. When found, they are pointed out and mocked for their general heinousness. If it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be able to feel incredibly superior – and life would be very, very sad. Knowing you are better than others is what makes life worth living. Gandhi said that. (He was pretty drunk at the time.) So, put on your favorite plastic moo moo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, we won’t have many more months of President Asshole Fuckface, so we may as well get a few in before he goes.

Let’s face it, George Bush should not talk. Ever. When he opens his mouth, a delightful bouquet of retardation and white-frat-guy talk spills out. It’s especially wonderful when it occurs in front of another head of state. Like, Philippines President Gloria Arroyo, for instance.



Ah, yes. I can’t wait until he meets with the Mexican President and tells him how great the gardner is. Bush should have “Rich White Guy” branded on his forehead.

And I wish we were done with Bush after that gaff, but this being the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, you can always count on more.

Way back in April, 2007, the Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency has the authority and must act to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. The court ruled that the EPA has to determine whether or not greenhouse gases contribute to climate change. Up until that ruling, the EPA had been doing nothing. Environmentalists were very excited.

Over a year later, nothing has happened. It seems the Bush White House decided to ignore the Supreme Court. They just blew it off – or did they? It turns out the White House is actually smarter than everybody.

Wait, what? So, the White House, the president of the United States of America, the most powerful country on Earth, just stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed? Really? Holy shit. Just when you think they can’t get more retarded, they pull something like this out of their asshole.

The White House knew what was in the email, but it didn’t jive with their Asshole Fuckface view of the world, so they ignored it.

One EPA employee quit over this situation. He couldn’t deal with the fact that our president just won’t answer emails – probably because that’s the kind of shit you do in the 7th grade.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, a little more Bush government fuckfacery.

The scary thing about Democrats, like Obama, being complicit in the Republican movement to undermine our civil rights, is not how it may effect you and I, but how it will effect journalism. Some of you may not know that in April, the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Department of Homeland Security can now take all the information off your electronic devices when you enter the country. That means you computer, your iPhone, your Blackberry, or any other device you own that stores information.

Freelance journalist Bill Hogan just experienced the joy of our new USSR type security. Hogan is a senior fellow at the Center for Public Integrity, has worked as a CBS News consultant, editor of Regardie’s magazine in Washington and Washington editor of Mother Jones magazine. He recently wrote stories about the origins of the Iraq war and the impact of money in presidential politics. He’s what’s known as “liberal media,” or more appropriately, he’s a journalist who finds the truth. And now he’s on some sort of “take his shit” list.

Nice. Feel free to let me know how something like this is able to go on in a democracy. Specifically, our democracy under our Constitution. Oh, right, both parties are okey-dokey with this kind of shit.

Of course, customs officials won’t say how many computers, storage drives, cell phone and Blackberrys have been impounded and what happens to them after they are taken. They also passed on testifying at a recent Senate hearing, although they were able to scribble the Senate a little message.

Right. Thanks for that. And thanks for checking out the computer of that journalist who recently wrote about the run up to the Iraq War. I can’t wait for the days when they can read my thoughts with a machine. I won’t be able to leave my house. (I want to shit on people.)

But hey, maybe the only decent Senator left can do something about it. Good luck with that. Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t know how to swim.

Meet Kasey Edwards, 18, of Okeechobee, Florida. He likes to drink beer and then take a dip in the local canals.

Hey, what do you bet that’s about to change? Last weekend, Edwards was drinking beers with some buddies when he decided he was going to swim in the canal. His friends thought it was a very bad idea, because of these things called “alligators.” They tried to talk him out of it, but Kasey is an Asshole Fuckface, so he started swimming across the canal.

No shit. What a fucking shock. Edwards grabbed onto a buoy line to avoid being pulled under and fought with the gator. He was eventually able to poke the beast in the eye. The gator let go and Edwards started to swim away.

Oops. Edwards swam to shore, where his friends did what they could to stop the bleeding and called paramedics. Hopefully, someone also said, “Nice one, Fuckface.”

Now, you may be wondering why Kasey is in the Roundup, after all he made a mistake and paid for it. Well, Kasey then opened his fucking pie hole and words came out.

Right. God. Hey, Kasey, did you ever think God was trying to turn you into a gator meal? You know, because you’re an Asshole Fuckface with no brain in your head? And he let you take a night swim in gator canal? No?

Edwards said his attack shows something needs to be done about the overpopulation of gators.

Holy fucking shit. Way to take responsibility for your actions. I think there is an overpopulation of Asshole Fuckfaces. Seriously, Kasey, there are plenty of people in burn wards who could use your skin and many people who need your organs. Just give them away, that way you can be slightly useful.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces have Octopus-like defense mechanisms.



Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each will receive a FearTheReaper bobble head!

There are a couple of reasons why gas prices are shooting through the roof. One, is obviously because oil companies get to make a shit load of money and they know our current government won’t do anything about it. Another reason is because the oil companies want to drill in places they can’t. They want access to coastal areas and parts of Alaska that are currently off limits. With skyrocketing oil prices, they believe Americans will support new Congressional laws to allow offshore drilling. It’s really an awesome win-win for the douchebag oil companies.

Sure enough, a new Rasmussen poll came out this weekend claiming “67% support offshore drilling, 64% expect it will lower prices.” If true, those people are obviously retarded. Anyone who believes allowing drilling off the coast of any state will decrease gas prices is a fucking moron. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case I was too subtle; if you believe drilling off the coast of any state will lead to a drop in prices you are an incredible retard. Got it? Super, let’s move on.

Of course, the Rasmussen poll was a complete pile of shit, because it was a push poll. Check out the second question asked.

Um. Hey, Rasmussen, drilling won’t reduce the price, so why are you asking the question like that? Someone slip a check into your dirty little hands?

I’m a crazy environmentalist. I’d rather you die than an acre of land destroyed. I think you are less important. Deal with it. But this isn’t an environmental argument, it’s common sense.

First of all, offshore oil drilling only makes sense when prices are high. You know why? Turns out it’s expensive to drill in the fucking ocean.

Remember the Texas oil boom of the seventies, when prices were sky high, and then they crashed and it wasn’t profitable to drill for oil anymore? Yeah, same thing. Prices will go down because this is an oil bubble, just like the stock bubble and the housing bubble.

If our oil offshore were to have an effect on gas prices, there would need to be a shitload of it out there. There is not.

Weeehooooooo! Let’s get that shit! We might save a whole 5 cents at the pump!

Those 16 billion barrels would give us 2.5 years worth of oil – under today’s usage. In 10 to 20 years, when we actually would begin using that oil, it would obviously be a lot less. Sound good? Yeah? Well, how about this?

The Energy Industry Administration believes allowing drilling off the coast won’t offset prices at the pump until 2030. How fucking awesome is that? Of course, I’ve learned not to believe any government agency that exists under Bush, so it’s probably more like 2040. There are quite a few problems involved in getting oil right now.

Just having the oil doesn’t mean you can get the oil. Turns out we’ve got a ship problem. A shortage of ships used for deep-water offshore drilling promises to impede any rapid turnaround in oil exploration and supply.

But the oil companies don’t care about that because they don’t want to open up the offshore areas for drilling now, they want it for the future. If they wanted to drill for oil now to alleviate our gas problem, they could drill in areas where they already have access. And they have plenty of land to drill in.

Nice. And it won’t stop them from getting Americans riled up to drill offshore.

Right. See, the oil companies aren’t making enough profit to go after the oil where it would be more expensive to get, in the places they already have access to, they want it easy and close to home. And the right wing is attempting to use the current crisis – created by Bush de-regulation – to get their hands on the coasts.

Maybe if Exxon would actually pay damages owed from the Valdez spill, they might be allowed to lease new land. But 20 years after the spill, Exxon seems to finally have won their battle in the courts this week - destroying the lives of many, many people. Lesson learned. The oil companies can go fuck themselves. If they wanted to get at our coasts, they wouldn't have fought that lawsuit all the way to the Supreme Court.

Most importantly, opening up new areas for drilling is backward thinking. The time has come to move away from gas. Some countries are moving quickly to alleviate the energy problem.

What a bunch of dicks. We didn’t kill them all and then re-plant, just to have them turn their backs on our oil companies. Or course, here in the US, we are dragging our feet.

Take your time, kids. While they are at it, the right wing is lying through their assholes. Check out Chris Wallace on Fox this weekend – and be sure to stick around to the end for the name of the segment’s sponsor.

Wallace lied, plain and simple. Katrina did extensive damage to oil platforms and refineries. Here are some pretty pictures of the oil spills from space. The right wing is shameless. Either that or Chris Wallace is a lying douchbag. Wait! Maybe it’s both!

And it was far from the only one.

And they think we should open up areas off Florida to drilling? Really? I have a question: Do hurricanes ever not hit Florida?

Anyone who thinks that opening up these areas to drilling will lead to a big drop in prices is a simplistic monkey. It will make no difference. This plan is only for the oil companies and the play is being made now because Bush is leaving office, with a high chance of a Democrat taking over.

And if you’re wondering how much oil is in ANWR– it’s half of the estimated 16 billion barrels offshore, which makes ANWR even more ridiculous an argument to make. If we did allow companies to drill in all these locations, the total estimated saving is….$2.25 per barrel. That’s 6 cents a gallon, or as it is known by non-retards, horseshit.

I completely get why the oil companies make this type of push. It’s what companies do. And Republicans solely serve the interests of big business, so they are also acting as they should. But the everyday idiot on the street spouting this as a solution is a fucking tool. So, next time you hear some right wing moron tell you we need to open up our coastlines and environmentally sensitive areas of Alaska, tell them to go fuck themselves. And kindly explain that they are retarded.

The current Democrats are the weakest, most spineless fucks ever to grace the halls of Congress. After months of attempting destroy the 4th amendment, it seems they have finally succeeded – and their reasoning is more disgusting than the Republicans. Democrats are destroying the Constitution to gain a few votes in swing states. At least the Republicans stand for something, as vile and sickening as it may be.

In case you hadn’t heard, the House passed a FISA bill last week. Headlines could have easily read, “George Bush Wet Dream Turns Out To Be True.” The bill gives immunity to telecom companies who broke the law and expands warrantless wiretapping. That’s exactly why Americans gave Congress back to the Dems in 2006 – so they could help Bush use the Constitution as toilet paper.

Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s what Republicans said about the bill:

Holy fucking shit. “Better deal than they even had hoped to get.” Why not just say,

Even I am shocked at how the Democrats appear to be totally spineless, completely fearful and entirely lacking principles. They embody everything the Founding Fathers were opposed to. A party like the Republicans was expected, which is why the framers created a system that would put a stop to their insane power grab. What was not expected was that the opposing party would go along to gain a few votes and to pad the bank accounts of corporations.

So, what did the Dems give up? Well, the President broke the law – apparently committing these things called “felonies.” Bush spied on our phone calls and emails without warrants because he believes he is above the law. The House voted to protect the President from prosecution, permanently block lawsuits that would have revealed what he did and at the same time, legalized the illegal spying in the past and in the future. House Democrats called it a “compromise.”

This is the kind of compromise where you don’t want to have sex with someone, so you let them fuck you in the ass. The Democratic version of “compromise” always means the Republicans get what they want. In this case, only one Republican voted against the bill. One the other hand, 105 Democrats “compromised.” They were totally bipartisan! Yeah, Washington!

Senator Russ Feingold said it best…

Well, don’t worry about that, because the Dems got their buddy telecom companies a "get out of jail free" card.



Hey, no worries. I’m sure the Founding Fathers would have been totally cool with the President opening and copying every piece of mail they received from overseas. Why would they have a problem with that? When has that kind of power ever been abused?

Here’s how this is going to work from now on: Our courts can no longer determine if the government was actually after a terrorist or innocent Americans - or opposing political parties. (You fucking retards.) Judges will actually be barred from examining the actual reasons for the spying. Judges will only be allowed to dismiss lawsuits based on spying – the Attorney General will have all the power to say whether or not the spying was "designed to prevent or detect a terrorist attack." This would be the same Attorney General who can’t figure out if waterboarding is torture – or whether or not members of the Bush White House are in contempt for refusing to testify in front of Congress. Yeah, that guy. The Dems just gave that guy all the power.

Once the Attorney General utters the secret words, judges cannot look into the issue any further. It’s pure lawlessness – like the Wild West, without those oppressive Sheriffs. Judges don’t get to actually decide whether or not the Attorney General is making a valid claim. Once he says the secret words, it’s over.

And bestest of all, the Dems did it to pick up a few seats. Right now they have a 35 seat majority in the House and they want to build that shit up to 50. So, fuck the Constitution, let’s get some Dems up in that bitch!

Phew! Thank God you made those districts competitive!

This is a fantastically moronic view of where the country is at this time. Dems made massive, nearly unparalleled pick ups in 2006 – because Americans want the Bush White House to be held in check, yet the Democratic answer is to give him everything he wants, so they won’t lose seats in the next election. They are so cowardly and stupid it is shocking. Karl Roves entire election strategy in 2006 was built upon FISA and national security, attempting to brand the Dems as weak on terrorism. And yet, the Democrats cleaned the GOPs clock. Republicans were obliterated. And apparently the Democrats learned nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Democrats believe the way to show how awesome they are, is to trample on the Constitution. Trampling isn’t even the right word. This is obliteration.

And just to add a little icing on the coward cake, they took a page out of the Patriot Act handbook. House members were only given 24 hours to read the bill and decide on whether or not they should shit all over our rights. Just seems like a few years ago Democrats were complaining loudly they were only given 24 hours to read the Patriot Act before voting on it. And now they are doing it to themselves on a bill that also destroys our civil rights. Well done.

Our neo-con morons will say this bill was necessary, because we need to prevent another 9/11 before it occurs. They argue that if the telecoms aren’t given immunity, they won’t want to help us catch terrorists. Everyone seems to forget that the warrantless wiretapping program started BEFORE 9/11. I’m going to write that again, for the idiots. The warrantless wiretapping program started before 9/11. Got it, you fucking dipshit? (Not you, the idiot who believes the Bush bullshit. The coward who is willing to throw out everything this country stands for, so they can feel save in a place that will never be attacked, like Alaska.)

By the sounds of it, Dems have enough votes to overcome a Dodd/Feingold filibuster. Obama is coming in soft on this one. Previously he vowed to do all he could to stop the bill, now he is basically saying we need the bill, although he has said he will try to get the amnesty removed. Either way, if the bill passes and Obama votes for it, I will not vote for him for President. Sorry, can’t support someone who tosses away the 4th Amendment. Hello Jesse Johnson!

In the future, you will turn on the news and hear a court dismissed all the lawsuits against telecoms. You won’t know why. You won’t know what the government said to have the cases tossed. The plaintiff’s lawyers won’t know either. The judge won’t be able to say a word. No one will know. Just Bush and his boys. Ah, sweet democracy – given to you by the Democrats.

Feel free to take a look at this video of George Washington University Law Professor Jonathan Turley (far from a liberal) as he describes what this bill does to our Constitution.

Way to go Democrats. Don’t forget to donate to the Dems this elections cycle. They know you will, because they know you fear the other side more. Too bad there really isn’t much of a difference. Oh, wait, there is. One party is full of complete and total cowards who have no principles. The other stands for what they believe in.

You can still call or email your Senator to put a stop to this bill. If you don't know what to say or write, check this shit out.

Now that we are in the middle of an energy disaster brought on by years of idiotic energy policy that were begun under the Grand Retard, Ronald Reagan, let’s take a look at what Jimmy Carter wanted to do. We didn’t do much of it, because Carter told Americans the truth and we cried like fucking babies and continued to shit our pants. If we had listened to Carter, we’d be toilet trained by now. Instead, we are living in the most horribly shit-in diapers of all time. And it’s pretty much all the fault of the right wing.

Carter delivered an energy speech on July 15, 1979. At the time, things were not looking good. The US was being hit by record high energy prices, severe energy shortages, and a recession. (Sound familiar?) People were pissed at Carter, causing his approval ratings to plummet to Bush-like depths. Imagine that. A president as unpopular as Bush. So, Carter gave a speech, during which he asked the American people to adapt to the energy crisis, its limits and to chance our ways.

Carter said, "Human identity is no longer defined by what one does but by what one owns." He was right, of course. But Carter didn’t have the ability to convince his fellow lawmakers to make the tough choices. He was labeled a “pessimist.” Naturally, for every pessimist, there is an optimist. In this case, it was Ronald Reagan. Reagan blew hot wind up America’s ass and we went right back to our destructive ways. Reagan was a pretty fucking stupid human being. As matter of fact, he was shockingly stupid. Had we listened to Carter and accepted a bit of personal responsibility, we might not be driving rapidly toward a cliff today.

The problems Carter identified in his speech were our dependence on oil and the connection among consumption, energy use, and environmental change. Sound familiar?

Here are some highlights from Jimmy Carter’s “Crisis of Confidence” Speech.

And no. Not only will we, but we’ll use more and more and more. Jimmy didn’t really foresee the right wing jerk off transportation vessel called The Hummer and the murder of alternative energy.

Good luck with that.

Could you imagine if we had the intelligence to follow through with this? Twenty-percent solar? We’d be a tad better off. Carter was saying we needed the largest “peacetime commitment of funds” because our path would obviously lead to wars. And it has. And it will lead to more, and eventually a world war.

Uh. Okay. Not so great. Coal’s a bit of a bummer. But it is preferable to being controlled by OPEC and having to take over countries like Iraq and Afghanistan in order to keep our gluttonous habits going. Carter was actually successful with this one. He reduced the percentage of oil used in our electricity production from 20% to 3%. He also expanded the Clean Air Act to combat the effects of coal power generation.

Anyone want to guess when the last refinery was built in the US? Try 32 years. That's the free market kicking ass and taking numbers. Although, South Dakota is now threatening to build one. That would be 1 in 32 years.

No fucking shit. This is the point where I want to dig up guys like Reagan, just to shit on their head. Personal fucking responsibility is the great enemy of right-wingers. Reagan killed all the tax credits that would have allowed people to "build conservation into their homes."

Whoa! Public transportation! Now close your eyes and imagine every city with a working subway system, or rail line. Mmmm. Carter. Jimmy also pushed for fuel economy standards in cars to reduce oil consumption. Republicans fought back. And they created tax rebates for giant SUVs and Hummers.

No shit. But that’s not the Republican way. The Republican way is to get more money into the pockets of oil companies. Every step outlined above takes money away from the oil boys. So, when Reagan took over, he slowly eliminated anything that would have led us away from a path of energy independence.

Instead of confronting the problem head on, Reagan chose to mock Carter. He went after the president, claiming he blamed the American people for the energy crisis – because Carter had the gall to ask Americans to sacrifice and conserve. It was, quite simply, a moron vs. a thinking man.

And that has been the right wing stance ever since. Conservatives have no ability to comprehend complex answers to the energy challenges we face. It’s like trying to talk to a cat about math. So, when you hear a Republican telling us how we should drill off the coast of our country, please urinate on their face. Because drilling was their answer to the crisis in the 70s and we did it. It has not helped. No one should ever listen to a Republican when it comes to energy. There is only one answer: Invest in alternative energy now.

If a right wing asshole attempts to open his pork rind hole, tell him the story of the solar panels on the White House. Jimmy Carter had them installed during his presidency. Reagan then had them torn down. He also killed off tax cuts for solar power and gutted our solar research program. How’d that work out? Oh, I can tell you. Two of the solar researchers he fired went on the win Nobel prizes – in other fields. Because he was a Class A fucking idiot.

Sometimes the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is the worst thing that will happen to you all month. This is one of those Roundups. It is going to be a horrible experience. I am warning you to turn around now. Walk away from your computer and go outside. The events and villains I am going to expose in this article are horrible. They are beasts committing cowardly and disturbing acts; in other words, they are Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your plastic wrap and prepare to be saddened beyond repair.

First up, my weekly update on Republican Asshole Fuckface racism.

I expect to be writing a blurb like this every week, because Republicans think they are being funny and amusing – but that's because they only hang out with other white people. Now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, their acts are being exposed. Certainly they are confused, after all, this is the kind of shit they have been saying to their buddies for years and no one said a peep. But now suddenly, it is being pointed out as racist and horrible, which is probably causing extreme confusion. “It’s just a joke.” I’m sure they will be saying that over and over and over until November.

Texas Republicans held their convention last week and it was a doosey. Check out some of the hilarious paraphernalia one could purchase.



Weeeeeeee. Get it? The house is white, but Obama is black. Not only incredibly clever, but enlightening to boot.

But, hey, conservatives can do worse, like this Asshole Fuckface editor.

Wesley Pruden is a former editor of the Washington Times, a newspaper that is somehow less respected than the SG Newswire. He also comes from a great family. When Dwight Eisenhower sent troops to Arkansas to protect black students who were integrating into Little Rock Central High School, Wesley’s Dad yelled,

Nice. So, it’s no surprise that Wesley wrote a column this week that started with this gem.

Oh. My. God. I wish I had AIDS, so I could put it in your bottom, Wesley. Deep into your bottom. It would be a gift from a straight guy, though, which is weird. The article was, of course, about global warming. Natural transition.

I hope you enjoyed the humorous section of the Roundup, because it’s about to move into the realm of completely horrible. I’m calling it “kid’s week.” Let’s start with a dude who isn’t a good babysitter.

Meet Alan Baxter. He’s a 20-year-old dude who loves breasts – and nothing to going to stop him from seeing sweet titties, not even the young girl he was supposed to be watching.

Fuck yeah. Look, when I have to see titties, I have to see titties. Ain’t nothing keeping me away from seeing what I’ve got to see. It’s called being a man.

Like you do for a dog. That’s nice.

Like I said, he’s a man. What do you expect him to be doing? It’s not even his kid. His girlfriend gave him 20 bucks to take the kid out for dinner while she was working. Do you know how many titties you can see for 20 bucks? One, actually – but that’s not the point.

Nice. Police said the little girl was “very hungry.” No word on whether or not Baxter had an erection.

Baxter has nothing on our next Asshole Fuckface.

What does a father do when he is addicted to drugs and can’t get a prescription? Well, he drives his daughter to a hospital parking lot and then gets down to business.

Um. How’s your drug addiction going, Bobby? Seriously, that’s the worst trust exercise I’ve ever heard of.

It worked. The ankle wasn’t broken. Doctors looked at the bruising and gave her meds. It wasn’t until a month later, when the daughter told someone, that police investigated. Cisero was indicted on charges of first-degree criminal mistreatment and fourth-degree assault. That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

And yet, it gets worse. Asshole Fuckface parents were springing out of the woodwork this week.

Across the pond, a couple of English parents were making a run for Asshole Fuckface of the week. Three years ago, Sabrina Hirst, 22, had a baby. When the little girl was seven-months-old, she married Robert Hirst, 54. Up until that point, the little girl was well looked after. Then everything changed.

The Hirsts pleaded guilty this week to neglect and manslaughter. They sort of starved the girl to death.

Robert plead guilty to the lesser charge of neglect – because he works 12 to 13 hour days. Obviously, if you work a lot, your kids die.

I hope they have rape in British prisons.

Next up, some LA style Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Meet Starkeisha Brown, 24, and Krystal Matthews, 21. They are both in prison today because they are Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Starkeisha is a mother of a five-year-old and Krystal is her girlfriend. I use the term “mother” loosely. The boy came out of her vagina, at which point the mothering ended.

On Monday, a stranger found the boy abandoned and called the police. The two women were not there because they were at The Department of Children and Family Services, where they were attempting to pass off another boy as Brown’s son. They couldn’t let authorities see her actual son, because he was tortured to the point where he is permanently disfigured.

Hey, I just threw up in my mouth. But that’s just a tiny fraction of what this child endured.

The two women couldn’t bring the boy to child services, so they left him with a stranger. Literally. A stranger. It turned out to be the best thing they ever did for the boy.

Then they took their friend's son to Family Services.

Those ladies are not going to have a good time in prison, with other women. Hopefully they suffer a long, long time. The boy is probably beyond salvation. That’s how you make psychopaths.

Amazingly, this week we actually have a worse Asshole Fuckface.

This is the worst story ever to appear in the Roundup. Holy shit, walk away now. Please. Go.

I warned you.

Sergio Casian Aguilar parked his truck on a dark California road last weekend, removed his two-year-old boy from the car and then beat the boy to death. He “shook, punched, kicked and stomped” on the boy. Sergio was obviously crazy and attacked everyone who attempted to stop the assault.

Another man also attempted to stop the assault, but was unable to do so. At least a dozen people witnessed the attack.

Local police showed up in a helicopter, landed in a nearby pasture and quickly shot Sergio to death. Sergio wouldn’t even respond to police orders to stop.

That’s the worst story, ever. Ever.

Blah.