Many people fear Asshole Fuckfaces and spend their lives hiding and cowering from the worst humanity has to offer. That’s where I come in. For centuries, my people have shown a light on the most hideous among us, so that we may know their identity and protect ourselves accordingly. Each week, I scour the Earth looking for the worst of the worst and present them to you, so that you may mock and scorn them, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So, put on your favorite plastic hoodie and prepare yourself for a dip into Lake Disgusting.

First up, Philadelphia is no stranger to Asshole Fuckacery, but the city of brotherly love managed to reach new lows this week.

Police witnessed a shooting while conducting a drug surveillance operation in the Hunting Park section of Philadelphia. Four men in a car shot at and injured three people standing on a street corner. One of the suspects escaped on foot, while the three others sped away in a car. Police pursued and caught them. That’s when the Asshole Fuckfacery started.



Welcome to the world of cameras! You’re probably going to get to know those guys better in the yard. Oh, and way to make three attempted murderers rich. That’ll teach ‘em.

Thirteen of the cops have been suspended. The beating victims have been charged with assault, conspiracy and reckless endangerment. The beatings occurred two days after a police officer was shot to death during a bank robbery. Hey, maybe next time try therapy.

Next up, South African Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a way to deal with lesbians.

South Africa is seeing an “alarming rise” in the number of “corrective rapes.” What are “corrective rapes” you ask? Well, get out your barf bag and take a look.

Well, that’s about as awful a sentence as I have ever read in my life. Apparently the problem is especially acute in the Western Cape area. Corrective rape is mostly taking place in schools and is often a student on student crime. The University of South Africa recently did a study and concluded “schools are unsafe places for many lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered learners.”

But the entire country has a serious problem with lesbian rape. Recently a lesbian football player named Eudy Simeland was gang raped, repeatedly stabbed and killed after returning from a night out. Many South African communities also believe it is acceptable for a man for force himself on a woman if she ignores his come-ons.

Remind me never to go to South Africa. Also, remind me not to grow a vagina.

Next up, some soldiers in Iraq doing an awesome job of Asshole Fuckfacery.



Oh, man, how funny is it to kill dogs? Apparently it’s hilarious. Keep up the good work, boys. Shit likes this makes the military look awesome. And by all means – fucking film that shit and put it up on You Tube. Can’t see how that might be a problem.

Next up, there really are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces in the world than the ones who run Burma.

Burma was hit by a cyclone last week and death tolls are estimated up to 100,000. The country is completely devastated. Entire villages have been washed away and people have no food or medicine. It could not be a worse or more horrific situation. Yet, the military government refuses to allow aid workers into the country.

A few planes carrying aid have been allowed into the country – but far fewer than what is needed. The military is only using 7 helicopters to distribute the aid throughout the devastated nation. These Asshole Fuckfaces are simply evil.

By all means, take a break. You’ve been working hard with all the killing of monks and whatnot.

And the final Asshole Fuckface in video. (It's only a 3:21 video, don't know what happened and I can't fix it)

The White House admitted in a court of law this week that it blatantly broke the law and... nobody gives a shit. Late on Sunday night, the criminals known as the Bush Administration acknowledged in a court filing that they don’t have backup tapes of emails between March 1 and May 22, 2003. Nothing much happened during that time, except the build up to the Iraq War. As a matter of fact, May 22nd just happens to be the day the UN gave formal approval to the US occupation of Iraq. How unlucky is that? And, it turns out we have something called the Presidential Records Act, which is a law that requires the president to save all his records. Thank God nobody gives a shit about our president breaking the law.

Yeah, that's a bummer Tommy. Did you see the Laker game?

Two non-profit organizations are suing the White House to recover any missing emails and to create a more effective email archiving system. (That basically means, don’t throw your hard drives in the shitter.) Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics (CREW) and the National Security Archive (NSA) are the two groups on this mission of failure.

Up until Sunday, there were quite a few contradictory reports coming from the administration. They said they had them, then they didn’t have them, then they did, then they recycled the back up tapes, then they were lost in a boat accident, then they were killed in Russia and finally, the court was told the emails got drunk and took off in a Jeep. None of those statements turned out to be true. The court asked the White House to clear up the confusion and state exactly which backup tapes it did and did not have from March 2003 to October 2005. Finally, late Sunday night, the White House came clean and said they had totally blown it. I believe they used the legal term, “My bad” and the US media responded with the journalistic expression, “No worries.”

In October 2003, the White House stopped their “policy” of recycling backup tapes. All tapes after that date have been preserved. Up until that point, it’s a bit spotty. In 2003, no tapes exist for March thru May and for the months May thru September the number of existing tapes is extremely low.

It’s been 2 ½ years since the White House “realized” there was a problem with the archiving system – and they are still trying to say they don’t know whether many emails are missing or not. The White House is clearly trying to run out the clock, knowing nothing will be done to punish them once they are gone. After Bush leaves the White House, the Republican media machine will go bat shit crazy if anyone investigates their obvious criminal activity and the Democrats will cower in a corner and shake. But, hey, the worst thing they did was commit an act of treason, so no big.

At this point, CREW and NSA want the judge to issue a ruling that forces the White House to copy email archive files from all electronic sources. It may actually happen now that the Administration has admitted that they “can’t find” a couple months worth of emails.

Go America!

Last week, John McCain proposed an idea so incredibly stupid that Hillary Clinton decided to jump on board the next day. McCain and Clinton want to have a “gas tax holiday," which is a retarded way of saying they want to suspend the 18.4-cent-per-gallon federal gas tax and the 24.4-cent diesel tax between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

They say it would save Americans 10 billion dollars! Wow! That’s awesome. Until you use your brain, do a little math and realize $10 billion divided by America equals around 30 bucks each. Thirty bucks is now also known as a half a tank of gas. But then you lose that 30 bucks in damage done to your car by under funded roads.

Barack Obama is opposed to the gastard holiday – mostly because he’s not a pandering moron. That means Hillary gets to call him an elitist and say he’s out of touch with the average American. Just so we understand this situation, a lady who is worth $134 million dollars is saying that a guy worth $4 million is out of touch because he doesn’t want to give people $30 for an entire summer.



Yummy, yummy rich people. What a tool she is. Never mind that she was against a gas tax holiday in 2000.

And that guy named Bill Clinton used to be against this idea.

Why didn’t Bill think the savings would be passed on to customers? Two reasons: First, gas companies are evil and they will just up the prices. Second, when you eliminate the gas tax, demand goes up, and then the price will go back up to what it was before the tax. It’s called economics. But, Hillary doesn’t want economics to get in the way.

Oh, Christ, someone shoot me in the face. Please fucking kill me. I can’t take how stupid these people are.

Hillary is, of course, attempting to use it as a wedge issue in ads.



You go girl! Best way to win the Democratic nomination is to become a Republican!

The McCaintards are also taking swipes at Obama for wanting an economically sound policy.

Right. Obama did support a gas tax holiday. That’s why he’s against it now, you fucking dipshit. God, why can’t I shit in the mouths of guys like this? Just once, I want to crouch over one of these guy’s faces and crap in their dumb hole. Amen.

Back in 2000, when prices were going apeshit and hitting $2 a gallon, Illinois politicians decided to give people a break. Obama and other lawmakers voted for a six-month holiday from the state’s 5-cent gas tax. The state lost $175 million in revenue, while the actual savings was only 3 cents per gallon because oil companies just upped prices.

So, the McCain campaign is calling Obama a flip-flopper because he had the audacity to make a mistake and LEARN from it. Good stuff. McCain and Clinton are the worst kind of politicians in this instance. They are panderers attempting to take advantage of Americans who are having a hard time. They are playing to the emotions and vulnerabilities of people who are having major economic difficulties – which makes McCain and Clinton scum.

Nearly every economist agrees that the gas tax holiday would be a total disaster. Gas prices would simply adjust back up to where they were before the tax break. And it would have a profound negative effect on our roads and highways.

Oh, hey, people work on roads and highways? You mean that $10 billion in tax revenue that goes to improve roads leads to jobs? Holy shit! Who would have thunk?

But I'm coming from a different place. I believe gas should be expensive. I think Detroit needs to build some decent cars that get over 5 miles per gallon. Right now American car makers are living in a fantasy land, a world that ceased to exist years ago. I think we need to drive less and think of alternative ways to get around. We need to invest in the energy-efficient and climate-friendly transportation alternatives. We are addicted to artificially cheap fuel and the best solution is to change how we operate.

A true leader would stand up and say, “America, you need to only drive out of necessity for one week. Those that can take the bus or a train, will. Those who can work from home, will. Those who can ride a bike, will. Those who can walk, will walk. Let's take a holiday from gas. Only by cutting our consumption will we lower prices.”

But that would take a leader, not a pandering fuck monkey.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black - that's the world of The Lord of the Rings, written more than two centuries after my death. Nevertheless, I read it last week - as what you call an eBook. Downloading such a huge oeuvre into the 18th century with a steam-powered computer is a pain in the ass - but it was worth it.

Personally, I love this book. It's very creative and rich, one of the best stories I've ever read. It's basically kind of a huge fairytale (or "literary legend" if you prefer this expression).

But that's the point: It's a fairytale. In a fairytale, it's natural to have "Good" fighting against "Evil". In a fairytale, Good and Evil are not question of behaviour, not a question of ethics, but a question of nature. Elves are good by nature, Orcs are evil by nature. Gandalf and Aragorn are good by nature, Sauron and the Nazgûl are evil by nature. As in this kind of story, good guys naturally ally with other good guys against evil guys, good and evil become also a question of sides:

Good = Us, Evil = Them

The good guys are good because they kill the evil guys, and the evil guys are evil because they kill the good guys. A very simple and clear principle. This is how fairytales work.

But what about reality? Can this conception of "Good" and "Evil" be transferred into real life? Would Gandalf be "good" in a world where goodness is - or should be - measured by ethics? Maybe not. He manipulates people. He is friends with fanatic racist Aragorn who kills orcs just for being orcs. He tortures Gollum to retrieve information. He abandons his "friends" always when they need him most. He may be even a liar. (Mister Gandalf, if you were really held prisoner on the top of Isengard, how did you get your wand back?) And power-hungry as he is, he goes far beyond his orders to "help and assist" and becomes the leader of the alliance against Sauron. (Gandalf - ripped out of the fairytale context - makes me believe that there is only one thing worse than a fanatic who pretends being sent by the gods : a fanatic who really is.)

In fact, Gandalf reminds me a real-world person who also wears a beard, a dress, and a funny hat, who feels also he has been send by some divinity, who also is full of hatred on what he considers the "Empire of Evil", and who also sends naïve innocents on suicide missions to destroy what's most precious to his enemies :



As said, this is only under the hypothesis that Gandalf would be torn out of the "fairytale" context. As character in The Lord of the Rings, I like and admire Gandalf.

But I'm digressing. The point is, you can't transfer the "Good vs. Evil" schema from The Lord of the Rings to reality. In reality, "Good" is not a question of what flag you are fighting under, it's a question of ethics, of behaviour. If you define "Good = Us, Evil = Them", you are applying exactly the same logic as Al-Qaeda.

When you run over some creature with a green face in Middle Earth, you can assume that it is evil, and kill it the most cruel way that comes to your mind; it will be okay. But you can't do the same in reality. Here's a photo of a real person with a green face:



His name is Omar Khadr, he is 15. His face is green because he just got shot into the back by a US soldier, twice. He is more or less what you call a "child soldier", and his only sin was that he maybe did what soldiers are supposed to do: kill enemy soldiers. The shooting left him blind in one eye. And as he lies there, his life is just about to become worse: he will be sent to Guantanamo, and, among other humiliations, be used as a human mop to clean urine on the floor..

Jesus said: "What you did to the least of my brothers, you have done to me." (Matthew 25:40) Think about it. I'm pretty sure that when it comes to the Last Judgment, having used Jesus as human mop will not speak in favour of the jailors of Guantanamo.

That's not how I treat my prisoners of war, and I would have executed every officer of mine who treated prisoners this way. Don't these jailors have any honour? Why do they treat their prisoners like human scum, even children? The answer why they do so is, maybe, in one of the first responses to the article I mentioned:

Frightening. That's exactly the attitude that led me to the writing of this article. We are not in LotR - this is reality. And in reality, "good" and "bad" are not questions of sides, but of ethics. And using a prisoner of war as a human mop to clean urine on the floor is not what I call an ethical behaviour.

(Oh, and by the way: Renaming "prisoners of war" into "enemy combatants" to avoid written or unwritten conventions about the treatment of prisoners of war does not help anything.)

Don't misunderstand me: I'm not telling you to turn your swords into ploughshares. I'm not telling you to make peace, not war. Wars have ever existed and will ever exist. I'm currently making war against Austrian Habsbourg and their allies.

But please, please, stop claiming that you are fighting because you are the good guys and they are the bad guys. They are your enemies, but they are not evil for being your enemies. I have probably made more wars than most of you, and I can tell you this: since the dawn of mankind, no war has ever been made for ethics. Wars are made for politics, ideology, territory and such. There is no such thing as a "good vs. evil" war.

Pardon? You don't agree? The War of Secession, to free the poor slaves? Nonsense. This war will be fought to save the Union, not to free the slaves.

Abraham Lincoln will write in 1862:

That's what was (will be) behind this war - everything else is war propaganda. In fact, every time someone tells you that you are the good guys and that he wants you to fight the evil guys, you can be pretty sure that it's war propaganda. Bin Laden tells the same thing to his people.

I feel that you still don't agree. I feel that you will object that I'm not well informed down here in 1708, that in your time, at least one intervention of America was a "Good vs. Evil" fight: The intervention in WW2, as it stopped a genocide. I agree that it did stop the genocide - but this was not the reason, it was a side-effect. America didn't intervene because Hitler was slaughtering the Jews - it intervened because he was taking over Europe. If the Allies would have wanted to stop the genocide, they would have bombarded the railroad to Auschwitz with their flying machines, but they didn't. So, stopping the "Evil" was not a priority. Stopping the growth of a rival superpower in Europe was. It wasn't about ethics, it was about politics. As always.

You see, I'm not that uninformed. I might live in 1708, but I've got Internet. However, with a terrible bandwidth.

That's why I think that the meaning of the words "Good" and "Evil" in The Lord of the Rings are not the same as in reality. And that's why I think you should not read this book unless you do realize this difference. This is a wonderful book, but dangerous if read by the simple minds. You are not Elrond, people, I'm not King Aragorn, and Omar Khadr is not an orc. We are all humans who have to question every step we do, and we will once be judged by what we did, not by what flag we were fighting for.

Elves and Ringwraiths, Hobbits and Orcs, Gandalf and Saruman, Aragorn and Sauron, Peace and War, Light and Darkness, White and Black, America and Al-Qaeda, GIs and Terrorists, Christendom and Islam, Good and Evil - do you really think it is so simple?

Given at Versailles in the month of May, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Asshole Fuckfacery is very important. It gives us something to look down upon, so that we may feel better about ourselves. There would actually be no point of living without Asshole Fuckfaces crawling about the Earth. Though we may want to kill them or make them suffer, they do serve a purpose, like flies or rats. So, throw on the nearest plastic tarp and prepare yourself for the filthiest human beings of the week.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface. Who would have thought?

Larry Niven is an author, a conservative and horrible human being, which means he has awesome ideas. His latest gem is a fantastic way to bring down hospital costs.

Great idea. You know what’s really cheap? An infectious virus spreading through a city because people were too scared to get treatment. It’s also inexpensive to pay for someone who didn’t get treatment for a simple infection, which allowed it to spread throughout their body and forced them into the local Intensive Care Unit. The ICU is so much cheaper! And on and on.

Any fucking moron who knows how to use Google can learn that immigrants aren't the problem when it comes to hospital costs. But conservative Asshole Fuckfaces like Niven are repelled by knowledge and the truth.

My next Asshole Fuckface makes purses and likes to sue people.

Artist Nadia Plesner began a campaign to raise awareness of the genocide occurring in Darfur last year. She designed and began selling posters and t-shirts of a Darfur victim holding a Louis Vuitton bag. All the profits went directly to charity. Apparently, Louis wasn’t pleased.

Yeah, fuck those genocide victims. Make them pay and make anyone who tries to help them suffer.

Fuck off, creep. That's a Louis Vuitton purse.

Well, good move Louis Vuitton. Your Asshole Fuckface reaction has gotten more attention than if you’d just ignored it. Too bad your purses are priced so high it makes them a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world. But, thank God you are doing what you can to stop someone aiding genocide victims. Pat yourself on the back, you awesome company, it’s got to feel good.

My next Asshole Fuckface won the greatest prize known to man and then fell as far as one can fall.

In 1993, Anthony Francis Morley won the Mr. Gay UK contest and spent the year opening “gay events and nights.” That is obviously a dream gig. To say I’m jealous would be an understatement. But life at the top isn’t easy because someday you have to give up your gay crown and move on. Anthony’s fall seems to be a massive drop. He went from Mr. Gay UK to cannibal. Beat that Tom Sizemore.

On April 24th, Anthony murdered Damian Oldfield, a man who worked for the Mr. Gay UK competition. But he wasn’t finished at killing.

Oh, my. Well, maybe he was really into that guy. It's only a matter of time before the right wing picks up this story and starts telling everyone that all gay men want to eat dudes. Literally, not....never mind.

My next Asshole Fuckface was immediately entered into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame.

Meet Josef Fritzl. He’s your typical 73-year-old dude, who locks up his daughter in the basement for 24 years and rapes her over and over and over.

That’s some serious, serious, serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

The cops found out about the 24-year imprisonment and incestuous rape when Josef let his daughter, Elizabeth, go to the hospital because one of his daughters/granddaughters was seriously ill. How so very kind. He actually didn’t let her die AND he let his daughter/fuck puppet go visit. The 19-year-old daughter/granddaughter is still hospitalized.

Josef impregnated his daughter seven times over her years in captivity. One child died and six lucky ones survived. Three boys and three girls. Three of the kids, ages, 19, 18, and 5, never left the basement. The other three were taken and given up for “adoption” – which in some cases meant they were raised as “foster children” by Josef and his wife. The wife claims she did not know of Elizabeth’s imprisonment.

Twenty four years ago, Josef claimed Elizabeth had joined a religious cult. She was considered missing and Interpol opened a file on her disappearance. Too bad they didn’t check the cellar.

What a fucking demon.

Finally, a video Asshole Fuckface report from the wild world of animals.



No congratulations are in order this week because of Joe the Austrian.

I am horrified by the words coming out of Reverend Wright’s mouth and the crazy things he believes. I tried to accept that he was misunderstood, or that he speaks for a culture that I may not understand, but this weekend he went to the National Press Club and explained his positions – to my utter dismay. How can any man believe such things? Especially a Reverend! It is astounding that any American would accept as true such outlandish ideas.

I cannot stand the idea that a future president would have ever gone to a church where the Reverend stood at the pulpit and uttered such insane phrases this...

It is horrifying that any man in this day and age would hold onto such a viewpoint – and even more horrifying that he would preach it to his flock. Church is a place where we tell the truth... such as, Jesus died on the cross, was then buried, rose from the dead and now lives at the right hand of his Father, making intercession for the believers forever. That is what church is for, not to spew the make believe ideas that have no basis in fact. Who would believe such insane nonsense?

When Wright first became part of the primary story, he was quoted saying, “God Damn America.” What kind of nut believes God would damn America? We are a good and decent nation. I do not believe God will damn us, at least not the true believers, like myself, who are lucky to be living in the End Time, when the son of God will return, the righteous will enter heaven, and sinners will be condemned to eternal hellfire. As an American, I am offended to hear Wright’s hate speech and don’t understand how someone can believe such crazy things.

The time has come to openly question Barack Obama’s beliefs. After all, he did attend this man’s church for 20 years. Does Obama believe, as Wright said this week, that…

It is incredibly hateful to hold a reckless anti-Semite, like Farrakhan, in such high-esteem. Wright believes in Farrakhan and Farrakhan believes the Jews are evil. As a good American, I cannot disagree more. We faithful fully support Israel because we believe the 1948 creation of the nation marked the first event in the "countdown to Armageddon.” The Jews must reside in the land of Israel for The End Times to occur, which is why we back Israel. So, obviously a good American cannot support the hate speech of Mr. Farrakhan.

We really must begin to question whether or not Barack Obama has the same values as Mr. Wright. Does Obama also believe that on 9/11 our “chickens were coming home to roost?” Such wild fantasies are completely unfounded and are greatly at odds with any normal American, who believes that after the Rapture nonbelievers left behind on earth will endure seven years of unspeakable suffering called the Great Tribulation, which will culminate in the rise of the Antichrist and the final battle of Armageddon between God and Satan. And that upon winning that battle, Christ will send all unbelievers into the pits of hellfire, re-green the planet, and reign on earth in peace with His followers for a millennium. I’m sorry, Mr. Wright, Americans are good people.

I seriously question whether or not Wright can hold onto widespread American beliefs and dispel such racist and hateful thoughts at the same time. Who is this man? And why is he such a good friend of Obama? I do not adhere to the disturbing beliefs of Reverend Wright and I don’t think most Americans do either.

So, Reverend Wright, you may take your insane ranting and leave America forever. We don’t want your kind here, especially because Jesus is coming back any day now to kill the homosexuals.

Looking at all the money Democrats are about to throw at Iraq, you’d think the country was having a bar mitzvah. House Democrats are putting together the latest spending bill – and it’s a fucking bonanza. The bill will fund the war through Bush’s presidency and six months into the next president’s term. It will be the largest spending bill to date. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Remember all those Democrats who ran on the promise to stop the war in ’06? Turns out they were full of shit. Hard to believe politicians are full of shit, isn’t it? Looks like they are going to bet the farm on a Democrat winning the presidency in November -- but if that doesn’t happen, we can expect these spineless fucks to continue the war for an eternity. And they know it’s going to piss people off.

You know why it sounds like that, Lynn? Because we are paying for something we don’t want. Crazy, huh? A solid majority of Americans are done with the war. Most of them were wrong when they supported the invasion, which makes them fucking idiots, but that’s an argument that we are never going to have.

The bill is going to throw $178 billion at the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. How awesome is that? Especially when you factor in the total lack of oversight on the billions of private contractors who seem to not be doing shit. Oh, and the occupation is a complete waste of our time and energy. We may as well throw the money into an outhouse and light it on fire.

Democrats are, of course, rolling over like twunts because they don’t want to appear weak on national security. Apparently, the best way to show you have a spine is to cave on what you believe in. Dems think halting funding for the war will cost them the majority of both branches of Congress. Which is obvious, because polls show the majority of Americans want to pull out of Iraq. See, in Democrats victim thought process, if the majority of people want to pull out, then the majority of people would be mad if they pulled out. Get it?

Nancy Pelosi is using a strategy called “guns and butter.” That means she will try to get Bush to agree to domestic spending in exchange for murder money. Good luck with that, Nance. Bush has already said he would veto any spending over his $108 billion request. He knows you are a fucking coward and will roll over in a second. The reason he knows this is because you always roll over like a coward. It’s not hard to figure out.

Bush will also easily win the domestic spending battle, because Democrats won’t want to be painted as “tax and spend” liberals. So, they'll cave since the best politicians don't stand up for what they believe in because they might be called names.

I have no doubt about that, because you basically run the place, John. You certainly get what you want.

Democrats will probably try the same thing they did in May, when they split up the bill and had two votes; one for domestic spending and the other for the war. That way, a bunch of Democrats could say they voted against war spending, while a bunch of others Democrats voted for it. It’s spineless by association and nobody gives a shit how you don’t do it. All that matters is you didn’t do anything to change the course of the occupation.

The Democrats have a great reason for not doing anything about the war, though.

Uh, you control the funding for the war. If you don’t write up a budget for the war, there is no war. You’re just a bunch of pussies because you don’t want Republicans to say you’re putting US troops at risk by shutting off funds. You know, the thing that will happen anyway, at some point, maybe in 20 years, when you decided to stop the war. Oh, and your logic is a bit flawed. You, "hoped Bush would listen to the will of the people?" Seriously? Americans voted to give Democrats a majority because they thought you'd do something about the war, not do nothing in order to use Iraq as a campaign fundraising tool and meat for stump speeches. Our government wasn't constructed as a hint machine. When people vote for you, it is because they want you to act. They don't vote people into Congress, hoping the president will get the hint. America could have just left Republicans in charge and each sent George Bush a personal letter. What a fucking ridiculous woman.

When McCain gets elected, we will get to watch this nonsense for four more years. Because, if you haven't noticed, Democrats have no plan for that possibility.

If God said, "Thou shalt not kill," how can belief in God be a prerequisite for military service?

With the shitstorm in Iraq resulting in (among other things) personnel deficiencies in the United States military, one would think the Army would be attempting to keep the soldiers they already have. However, a soldier who enlisted to serve his country and fight terrorism is claiming he has suffered discrimination; not because he is gay, but because he is an atheist.

While this is not official military policy, it seems to me that anyone who is actually ready and willing to go over to Iraq should be welcome to do so, regardless of their beliefs or sexual orientation. Then again, I'm naïve enough to still attempt to apply logic to anything involving this war.

Great, let's take one more step toward making this a religious crusade. Should we just go ahead and make it a requirement for military service that you fuck the other gender, and view your enemies as enemies of the one true Lord who hates fags and abortionists and liberals?

I'll say right now that I usually don't have the balls to tell someone to shut up in a theater either, much less sign up for military service. On one hand, if a guy's in Iraq, having to endure harrassment from other soldiers seems like it wouldn't be that big of a concern next to worrying about IEDs. On the other hand, the Army's comment about not being able to "protect him" should make anyone nervous. If a soldier can't trust his compatriots in a war zone, there's a problem.

And yet

Seeing as how I'm safely tucked at home in Texas and not patrolling the streets of Iraq, it's not really my place to criticize the military, but, my aforementioned naïveté demands me to question how they could possibly see driving even more qualified soldiers away as a positive thing. Especially when the doors are opening wider to allow more convicted felons to enlist.

Personally, I do believe in God, but it's idiocy like this that has made me hesitant to say that out loud.

This is the Army now: you can be be a rapist and it's fine as long as you raped the other gender; you can be a religious extremist but not an atheist.

And we wonder why enrollments are down and we're losing the war....

Welcome to the first ever Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It’s never been done before and I’m a bit nervous. I’ve scoured the week’s news and located the worst people on Earth. Now, I will unveil them for you to sneer at. How will it go? Who knows? Will the judged seek me out and murder me? Odds are high. Yet, I must do this, as God has chosen me. So, wrap yourself in a thick malleable polymer and let’s get started.

First up, the horrible Asshole Fuckfaces of the Himalayas.

In early May, the Olympic flame is scheduled to be carried to the top of Mount Everest. The poor Olympic flame has had a rough trip around the world. Everywhere the flame goes, protesters come out in force to convey their anger at China for the violent crackdown in Tibet. But Nepal has come up with a great way to halt any protests that may occur on Mount Everest: Just kill ‘em.

Well, that should do it. And may I add, that is some strong Olympic spirit.

They should use guys from the Chinese Double Trap Olympic team to kill the horrible protesters. That way, they can get some shooting practice while doing something awesome for their country.

Also, climbers cannot go above 6,400 meters between May 1st and May 10th. So, it’s a great time to climb nearly to the top of Everest, only to be stopped by armed Asshole Fuckfaces because some idiots want fire to make some empty achievement.

Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery happened in the Netherlands. Words cannot do this justice.



Dear Dutch people, why is everyone enjoying the creepy man licking and stroking that boy? Please let me know what might be too far and understand if I don’t take my son to Holland. And how jealous is Michael Jackson right now?

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface bondage.

A Tennessee couple was going through a rocky period in their marriage. Rebecca Bargy was stepping out on her man James. Over the past few months, she had engaged in several affairs and spent two nights last week screwing another dude in a hotel.

With a wife banging other dudes and spending nights away from home, it’s probably not too smart to let her tie you up and ball gag you.

Now that is domination. James died of asphyxiation. Now word on whether or not he came.

Rebecca claims it was an accident and that James requested to be bound and gagged and then left for 20 hours to enjoy the shit out of it. But Police believe Rebecca was screwing a man at a hotel while James slowly died. Although, she did stop in at one point to say hi to James. I’m sure that was a nice, tender moment.

It’s been a good week for gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces around the world.

It’s hard to pick who is the bigger Asshole Fuckface, Bahrain or Singapore.The hit Singapore home renovation show, Find and Design, ran into a little trouble this week when a homosexual couple was featured. The show included footage of the couple and their child living their normal lives. The Media Development Authority was not pleased.

Right. Please don't normalize the freaks. I guess he should have mocked them and maybe slapped them a few times during the renovation. Remind me not to visit Singapore.

The Asshole Fuckfacery in Bahrain makes Singapore look like San Francisco. The Bahrain Parliament has decided to do something about the country’s homosexual problem.

I believe that’s called a “witch hunt.” Some of the fun tactics will include a survey to determine how many gays and lesbians are running around Bahrain. That should be interesting.

Do you have a penis? Yes or No.

Do you like to rub your penis against other peni? Yes or no?

Have you ever had a buddy-to-buddy cock rub party? Yes or no?

The Parliament also demanded that the Interior Ministry ban all gay foreigners from getting residence permits. And there will be more surprise inspections of massage parlors and hair salons. The government believes those are the two places homosexuals hang out.

Word. I can’t get a haircut without falling into some dude's asshole.

Best of all, teachers will be trained to ferret out gay kids.

Well, I already spend 16 hours a day watching children for signs of homosexuality, so maybe I should go get a teaching job in Bahrain. Seriously though, if anyone sees a child playing hairdresser or sodomy, please tell the principal.

Finally, the first FearTheReaper video Asshole Fuckface story.



Consider yourself blessed.

FearTheReaper would like to congratulate all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a bottle of FearTheReaper multi-vitamins.

My local paper has been talking about the law a bit lately, particular concerning the intersection of the crime of rape and the legal system.

The first of the pieces of interest was columnist Paul Sheehan's rant about the growing intrusion of law and litigiousness into society. Australia is becoming, says Sheehan, a society under the rule of lawyers, not laws.

You can read Sheehan's reasons for vomiting if you read the article in full. You will also see him noting a recent local legal controversy, in which barrister Tania Evers has been referred to the Legal Services Commission for aggressive cross-examination of an alleged rape victim. This is the same Tania Evers who in recent years spoke publicly of
the erosion of an accused's rights in sexual assault cases. We'll come back to Evers' shortly, and the issue of whether the complaint about her -- and the leaking of it to the media -- are part of a political power struggle going on in legal and government circles.

But let's contextualise first. We need to think about at least three issues regarding the prosecution of rape.

Rape is a difficult crime to prosecute. It's an inherently difficult crime to prosecute, regardless of whether or not the legal system is horribly sexist, precisely because rape is a crime that involves an act that for most people, most of the time, is consensual and pleasurable. At any given instant of time, millions of consensual sex acts are going on around us. Determining which ones are the non-consensual (criminal) ones is hardly going to be straightforward. It's not a typical problem for a homicide detective to have to consider whether or not the murder victim really wanted to be killed and hence their death was the deliberate result of a consensual act. (Yes, yes, I know it's possible, but it's not that likely.) But it's a fundamental issue surrounding sex crime allegations.

Add to this, the longstanding tendency of Western legal systems to start with the presumption of innocence of the accused. This is an important presumption because it's easy for a powerful legal and/or political system to railroad anyone it wants if the system is set up to allow that to happen. The presumption of innocence is an insurance policy against the worst aspects of human nature in the political arena.

Add to this, the very real issue of false rape allegations. Researcher Eugene Kanin famously reported that in his case study of a small metropolitan community, 41% of reported rapes turned out to be false allegations. (For (in)famous cases, think Kobe Bryant, or the Duke lacrosse team.)

Balance all of this against the possibility that a woman (it won't always be a woman, but mostly it will) really has been violently raped and is seeking redress against her rapist. How should the legal system operate given all of these considerations? What latitude should prosecuting lawyers get? What about defence lawyers? How aggressive should they be allowed to be? How much control should a judge exert during a cross-examination?

According to legal columnist Richard Ackland, these questions are at the heart of a stoush going on in New South Wales legal circles.

See, while judges can intervene with discretion in instances of aggressive cross-examination, they are loathe to do so if they think it'll create avenues for appeal. So the state government is trying, with some force, to decrease the power of the (quite powerful) barristers, and give more to the judges.

That's what it comes down to, in the end. The issue of how lawyers comport themselves in sexual assault cases boils down to a pitched battle between senior lawyers and government ministers over the relative distribution of power and influence.


TheFuckOffKid was never prouder of his girlfriend than when she was a juror on a rape trial.

Yes, I called Hillary Clinton an abomination. I could not be more correct with my description and here is the definition of abomination to prove it:

Abomination - A*bom`i*na"tion, n.

That which is abominable; anything hateful, wicked, or shamefully vile; an object or state that excites disgust and hatred; a hateful or shameful vice; pollution.

Fits perfectly. Hillary would, obviously, disagree. A month ago, she compared herself to Rocky.



It’s true. Hillary is Rocky because she is not going to win and she is beating the shit out of Obama, while getting the shit beat out of herself at the same time. Sadly, Rocky and Apollo Creed fought for 15 rounds – a fight length that is now illegal because of the damage done to the fighters.



We are now in round 13, with a couple more horrible, bloody rounds to go. I can only assume Hillary will be holding onto Bill at the end, mumbling, “I did it,” though her grizzled and battered face. Just like Rocky, there will be no knock out and the decision will go to the judges. In this case, they are known as the superdelegates.

This abomination will not give up. Her spinmeisters are running around telling everyone who will listen that Obama is unelectable and can’t win big states. The unelectable argument is moronic because she is behind in delegates and the popular vote. Never thought I’d see someone in second saying the person in first is unelectable. Amazing.

The “big states” argument is equally retarded. Hillary claims Obama can’t win big states in the primary, so he won’t win the general. I guess that would make sense if Hillary were a Republican, but it turns out Democrats are voting for both Hillary and Obama. That means in the general election, Democrats who voted for both would probably vote for Obama. Anyone buying the "big state" argument is wasting their brain and it should be removed from his or her head -- immediately.

Worst of all is the argument Clinton and her supporters are making that no one is actually saying out loud: Obama won’t win big, industrial states because he is black. It’s straight up racism and it’s disgusting, but it’s the claim she is trying to make to superdelegates. If it were true, I’d rather try with the best candidate, who happens to be black, and lose, than toss him to the side for the not-as-good white lady because of racism fears. To choose Clinton for this reason would be morally heinous and I think anyone doing so is scum.

The truth is Clinton’s 9-point victory in Pennsylvania was actually a loss. She needed to win by a 20-point margin to make a serious dent in Obama’s delegate lead. She didn’t. She only gained around 10 delegates out of 158. There are now only 408 delegates remaining in the final primaries. Clinton needs 483 delegates to get the 2024 necessary to win the nomination. See how that might be a problem?

This means the only way Clinton wins the nomination is via superdelegates. But she will need 70% of remaining uncommitted superdelegates to win – if she splits the remaining popular delegates. Which means she has to convince 215 human beings that Obama can’t win the election, even though he has received more votes and popular delegates. That’s 215 people who have to buy the “black guy can’t win” argument. Good luck with that.

And while the Clinton people are at it with the “black guy can’t win” argument, they are going to continue to throw every Republican attack possible at Obama. See, the Clinton peeps have this awesome idea in their heads. They don’t think Obama can handle the Republican attack machine in the general election and to make that point, they are going to attack him like the Republican machine. It’s kind of like an honor killing; we have to kill him to save the family honor.

So, Hillary will continue to hang out with the guy who started the rumor that she killed Vince Foster, and the owner of Fox News, while she praises John McCain. At the same time, she will use all the Republican talking points about Reverand Wright, call Barack an elitist, and point out his connections with the Weather Underground, no matter how tenuous or hypocritical.

She has completely crossed the “vetting Obama” line and is now simply a Republican tool of destruction. If the only way you can win an election is to convince 306 party insiders to overturn the will of the people, and you continue on that path, you are a fucking asshole. It’s already having an effect. Just take a look at Fox’s newest promo.



That’s Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. Good work, douchebag.

Meanwhile, Obama has done nothing to imply Clinton cannot win the general election. He is only making the case that he is the better candidate. Clinton is dragging them both into the ditch. Her approval rating is plummeting and Obama’s is also slowly slipping.

According to Hillary, she plans to take this "all the way" to the convention, no matter how obvious it become that she is done. MSNBC has declared the popular delegate race over. The New York Times ripped her a new asshole yesterday.

The most damage being done by Hillary is the fight over Florida and Michigan. She has been making the case to voters in those states that Obama is responsible for their votes not being counted. It is completely untrue, the DNC made the decision, but Obama’s chances of beating McCain in Florida and Michigan have been plummeting, according to polls. Without those states, he has no chance. She is literally killing the Democrats chances of taking the White House.

Which is why she is not Rocky. Sure, Rocky lost to the black guy and both left the ring battered. But Rocky was a lovable character who won by losing. That is not the case with Hillary. A more appropriate comparison would be Jason Voorhees: A horrible, thoughtless, driven killer destroying all in his path. She’s just crisscrossing America with a machete, slashing and killing everything in her path.



Kudos, abomination, kudos.

FearTheReaper thinks Rocky has more impact in Italian and Jason Voorhees is scarier with Nordic death metal.

Oh PETA, why so crazy? There is a way to fight for the rights of animals without sometimes looking like complete and total lunatics. In this latest episode of PETA creepiness, they want someone to make Frankenmeat.

Mmmm, daddy wants a big tub of meat. I’m trying to think of a type of food I’d rather eat less than meat created in a test tube and I’m at a loss. This also shows a total lack of understanding of meat eaters. Meat eaters aren’t creepy, bloodthirsty psychos; they just like meat and they don't care that animals have to die for their nourishment.

I can’t even begin to understand what PETA thinks they are going to accomplish with their in vitro meat contest. Wasting one million dollars is amazing, even for them – and it seems a bit off target. PETA's slogan is "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment." So, I guess they think if they create some awesome fake meat in a lab, they will save animals. FAIL. Huge fail. Spectacular fail.

The decision is actually causing a PETA civil war. Soon the group may break into PFMPETA (Pro Fake Meat PETA) and AFMPETA (Against Fake Meat PETA). I guess some PETA members are not as crazy as I thought.

Let me re-phrase that. I guess some PETA members are crazier than I thought. Also, I don’t want to live in the world where one has to choose between eating roadkill or in vitro meat. Can’t I just have a banana?

If you are interested in the million dollars, you have to create laboratory chicken and sell it to the public by June 30, 2012. (Hi, arbitrary fake meat date.) The winner must also do the following:

Why would non-meat eaters care about the taste and texture of chicken? Why not make a realistic lab vagina that feels natural for gay men? Actually, that’s a good idea. I’m offering one million for lab-grown vaginas – and I want them created in bulk and sold at competitive rates to real vaginas in 17 states.

I am no fan of meat. Beef farms are the worst things on the face of the Earth for the environment. The volume of waste they produce and the amount of water consumed is astounding. The beef produced is full of hormones and toxins. But the solution is not lab meat - I actually find that less appealing than toxin filled meat. The solution is to not eat meat.

I am horrified by the idea of giant labs pumping out huge slabs of juicy, fake meat. It is a future I want no part of. I will do everything in my power to free the slave meat, if that day ever comes. Please join FIVSMOD (Free In Vitro Slave Meat Or Die) before it is too late.

As if the Democratic debate from Philadelphia last week wasn't a big enough farce, all three presidential candidates made appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw in the form of prerecorded vignettes.

Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and Republican hopeful John McCain all delivered addresses laced with wrestling references in an apparent attempt to inspire America’s lowest common denominator to vote in the November general election.

"This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring," the 60-year-old former First Lady said, referencing one of the sports entertainment giant’s dozen pay-per-view events. "The only difference, the last man standing, may just be a woman."

It’s a far cry from her husband’s saxophone performance on The Arsenio Hall Show more than a decade ago.

"Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" asked Sen. Obama in an ode to former WWE star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Perhaps channeling The Rock – a Pennsylvania native – could pay off for Obama in Tuesday’s crucial primary in the Keystone State.

As the oldest of the three Presidential hopefuls, one would have hoped Sen. McCain would have had enough sense to forgo the invitation of the WWE.

At 71, and presumably unopposed on the Republican ticket, the one-time prisoner of war said he and his “McCaniacs” would run wild, in a nod to wrestling and reality TV superstar Hulk Hogan.

"If you want be the man, you have to beat the man,” said McCain, referencing Ric Flair – arguably the most decorated wrestler of all time. “Come November, it'll be game over."

Sadly, it may be over for us all, no matter who wins.

Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a