Mmm. Asshole Fuckfacery. You know you love it. You know you want it. Each week I scour the news for the worst of the worst and present them to you for mocking. So, get your hottest pants on and let's get this party started.

First up, some worst Senator alive Asshole Fuckfacry.

Apparently, it’s not difficult for Joe Lieberman to be the worst Democrat alive. It’s just something he excels at. This week, Joe came out against a “public health plan.” That’s just how he do. Being a Democrat, from a Democratic state, he’s decided not to go with the only thing that will bring down health care costs. He’s decided not to go with a public plan that 90% of Democrats want and 70% of Americans want. He against it!

Wait a minute. Slow the fuck down. This is very difficult and complex stuff and your rushing through it makes it even worse. So, you're saying that if we create a public option, the public is going to end up paying for it......fuck, I still don't get it. Start over. All I know is that right now we are throwing bags of money at private insurance companies – but that’s not “paying for it.” I don't get this "public" shit.

Oh noes! We must save the health care providers from losing out on their insane profits! Let's just ignore the fact that the public plan being addressed is comparable remuneration-wise to Medicare - which is better. Blah, blah, blah, facts are dumb.

Remember way back when Asshole Fuckface Lieberman was running for the Senate in 2006? After losing in the Democratic primary? And he decided to run from the left?

July 6, 2006 primary debate:

Sept. 21, 2006, during the general election campaign.

Liar! And an Asshole Fuckface!

Next up, some logic fail Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obviously, Obama is destroying our country. He’s a communist, he’s in love with Iran and he is black. It’s very upsetting if you sit back and look at the whole picture. As an American who loves America so much, he would like to blow America while singing “God Bless America,” I know there is only one way to save our country: Blow it up.



Finally someone is talking some sense up in this bitch. The only way to save America is to destroy it first. It’s like Danny Bonaduce. Same deal. No way we see another Oklahoma City bombing during Obama's presidency.

Next up, some global warming denier Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, the right wing has a new poster boy. He works for the EPA and he hates him some global warming. That’s why he put together an extensive scientific study to show the world it is not real. Global warming is a hoax!

Whatever. Dudes got EPA credentials. The right wing is in a tizzy because Carlin’s report is being buried! Buried, I tell you!

Don't hate the playa, hate the game! Why does the EPA want to shut down the truth?!?! Ask yourself that question. The EPA is part of the global warming religion and will do anything to hide the truth!

Um, yeah. That’s what science is. Jesus said that.

Thankfully, we have lawmakers who won’t let this horrible injustice go unanswered.

Senator Inhofe won’t let this stand! Why are you burying a scientific report you never asked for, that was created by an economist? You’ve got some answering to do, EPA. Next we’ll hear that you’re hiding a report from a janitor on the friendly nature of volcanoes. No matter how much you want this to go away, Obamepa, it ain’t! The truth must be told! You fuckers opened up a can of corruption!

It’s totally not embarrassing! Go Republicans!

Finally, some San Diego Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it was only a matter of time before Democrats started getting pepper sprayed. Who knew it would be beautiful San Diego that would kick it off? Democratic House candidate Francine Busby was holding a fundraiser last Friday night when things took a wrong turn.

Dude. It’s Friday. Someone should call the cops on you for being lame.

In reality, the party wasn’t loud at all.

Apparently dude had some other issues with the fundraiser.

I’m guessing the words “Dikes” and “Lesbos” were tossed around a bit by Mr. I Can’t Sleep Because Gay People Are Next Door. Thankfully, the awesome Deputy Marshall Abbott arrived to calm the situation down. This is a good time to ask if it’s a good sign when people call 911 to report a cop going apeshit.

That’s pretty much the usual response to a noise complaint, I guess. Abbot then called in the calvary. Multiple cops arrived, as did a helicopter and a dog unit – for a bunch of middle aged women. Hey, I wonder if this has anything to do with them being gay?

Stay classy, San Diego!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It’s really quite interesting to watch the Democrats throw it all away. This time, they seem to think blowing the chance at decent health care reform will aid them in future elections. Or perhaps they have taken so much money from the health care industry that they don’t give a shit. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Fixing health care is the biggest problem facing our country. If we don’t do something drastic, it will completely destroy our economy in the years to come. As it is, we’re in bad shape. Democrats, specifically Senate Democrats, have decided to help the poor insurance industry out as much as possible. Es no bueno.

Most of the debate is over the dreaded “public option.” Oh, dear no. We can’t have a public option. That’s socialized medicine! Americans must be able to choose! And by that I mean they can’t choose a public option! They have to be able to choose between private monopolies! This is fucking America! We demand to be fucked over by private companies as much as possible!

And make no mistake about it; those against the “public option” want to continue with monopolies.

So, that's what the "free market" kids are fighting for. Monopolies. Yay!

A public option would guarantee the possibility of lower cost, reliable coverage. It will bring cost control by reforming how we pay for medical care. It will create competition between private insurers that simply does not exist today. It will also force private insurers to perform better, something they are not doing today.

To those who say the public option would drive the private companies out of business; I thought everything government did sucked? Is government bad or highly efficient? Please stick to one talking point, no matter the subject. Secondly, the private insurance companies have had their chance and to say they fucked it up would be an understatement. They deserve no protection. I have no interest in keeping pedophiles in business, either. Their time has come and gone. They could have kept costs lower, kept people from dying, insured anyone with preconditions, but they decided to go for the biggest profits possible and now they are on the deserving end of what’s coming. They only compete to insure the well and reject the sick. Then they employ adjusters to get the company out of paying for health care services when the well become sick. Welcome to the world of failure. They made their bed, now they have to lie in it.

If any of you loud mouthed, utopian, not living in the real world Libertarians bring up regulation, feel free to explain the exact regulation that makes health care so expensive. If you can’t detail these so called regulations, shut your face and stick your broad stroke arguments up your ass. Your simplicity has grown tiresome. This current debate is for adults and what you want will never be, so stay out of it or act like an adult and accept that what you want ain’t going to happen.

As far as the public plan, Democrats are right now working on a way to water it down until it is completely ineffective. Senator Jay Rockefeller, who is a son of a bitch because of his FISA legislation, has come up with a good public health care plan. His plan would partner a public plan with Medicare for more bargaining power and access to provider networks. According the non-partisan Lewin Group and the Commonwealth Foundation, Rockefeller’s plan would drop premiums 20 to 30 percent. Can’t have that, now can we?

Rockefeller’s plan would force private insurance companies to be more honest. They would have to cut their bullshit administrative costs and fire quite a few of those adjusters whose job is to find ways to not pay for care. Right now, you have no choice. You can choose between one horrible private insurance company or another. There really isn’t much difference. The idea is to force them to become insurers instead of profiteers.

Other Democrats are working on plans that would do almost nothing. Senator Chuck Schumer has a “level playing field” public plan that won’t save much at all. It will just create a plan that will allow private companies to dump old, sick and high-risk patients onto the public plan. This is considered a compromise. It will be awesome because by doing it halfway, they will create exactly what the right wing claims will happen. It will be a terribly ineffective, expensive plan. It would not use low rates that Medicare sets or use taxpayer subsidies. It wouldn’t force its way into networks. It would just be like any other insurer, except for the fact that it would be a dumping ground for private insurers to unload their expensive patients. It’s one of those genius “Democrats compromise and create a pile of shit plans.”

Finally, there’s Ben Nelson’s “Trigger Plan.” You know it’s good because Nelson has taken millions and millions of dollars from insurance companies. The Trigger Plan would be like a big, invisible, scary fist looming over the insurance industry. If the private market didn’t offer cost control or enough options, the public plan would come into existence - but it would be at the state level. It’s a regional Trigger. Some states might have a public plan and others would not. It’s basically set up as a way for private companies to game the system. Ben Nelson doesn’t seem to realize the trigger should have been pulled 8 years ago. If he wants to set the threshold where costs are now, it’s a big lose. Go Blue Dogs!

Those are the public plan options. Now which one do you think Democrats in the Senate will choose? I’d bet big money on the “Level playing field” plan because it doesn’t actually threaten the private insurance market. It actually helps them in their quest to be the biggest douche bags on Earth.

Prepare for failure.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Welcome to National Asshole Fuckface Day. It happens every Friday, because it’s the best holiday of all time. To prepare for Asshole Fuckface Friday, I scour the news looking for the worst humans alive. When I find them, I drag them into the light for people to mock and laugh at. I am like Gandhi. This week I discovered an especially heinous group, as usual, so put on your muck boots because this is going to be ugly.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface hall of famer.

Michele Bachmann opened her horrible pie hole again and idiocy rolled out, as expected. Apparently, Michele is super concerned about the census, like any right wing extremist would be. First, she declared she wouldn’t be filling out her census, which is an awesome stance to take for a lawmaker.

Could you imagine what would happen is a group of community organizers, who help the poor, found information on a rich, white lady? Holy shit, it would be like Michael Myers getting a hold of your address. But Michele wasn’t done.

Totally. Also, you’re a rich, white Christian. It's very respectable for a lawmaker to encourage Americans to break the law.

Next up, some potato chip Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s not often people on both ends of a situation are equal Asshole Fuckfaces, but that’s what happened this week in Oklahoma. If you are not familiar with Oklahoma, it is like America’s dead appendage.

This week we learned that a man in Oklahoma was having problems with his marriage, so he decided to go to a prostitute. Okay, whatever. Happens all the time. No big deal. But he didn’t have any money. He did, however, work for Frito Lay.

Yep. He was lucky enough to bump into prostitute Lahoma Sue Smith, who apparently has lowered the value of her vagina to a box of thin, fried potato pieces. Just think what she would do for a box of Skittles.

Next up, some drone Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last week, US drones attacked a “Taliban training center” in Pakistan where bad guys were supposed to be. Terrorists, stuff like that. People who want to kill people. So, we took them out. In all, 13 died. That’s a good day for drones, right?

A couple of days later, there was a large funeral for the 13 people who died. Thankfully, our drones were there to stop the mourning.

That’ll show you, terrorists. The only way to kill terrorists it to kill everyone around them and kids and stuff.

Win!

Finally, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

You can always count on the Democrats to completely fuck shit up. This time they are doing what they can to undermine Obama and blow this opportunity for universal health insurance. Why? Why would the do such a thing when 72% of Americans support Obama’s plan? Because they are Democrats. Oh, and they are whores.

The kids over at FiveThirtyEight broke down the numbers and it turns out Democratic Senator’s positions on health care are greatly effected when they get money from health insurers. Who would have thought?

Sweet. Because when your base wants you to create a public option and your president wants you to create a public option, you should always do what the guys who give you cash want.

It’s called leading, people. Reid is a leader.

But the worst of all is Max Baucus. Max is the Senator in charge of the committee coming up with the plan. He’s also the guy in the Senate who has taken the most money from insurers.

And it’s paying off. Max gave the Senate Finance Committee's draft bill to the Congressional Budget Office so they could crunch the numbers on how much it would cost. The CBO came up with a huge number.

Wow. But that’s what happens when you give the CBO your draft when IT DOESN’T INCLUDE THE PUBIC OPTION. He gave them the bill without the part that reduces cost. Quite simply, this was Max Baucus’ attempt to turn the public against the health care bill. He’s a Democrat. He’s in charge of the committee working on health care reform and he just tried to kill health care reform because he’s a whore.

Go Democrats!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Most of the time I get the Republican mindset. More often than not, it is just team vs. team. Their astounding hypocrisy knows no bounds. When in control, they say one thing, but when not in control, they immediately flock to the position they formerly criticized. It’s actually quite amusing. As far as big business goes, they’ll bend over anyway they can and have quite a few Americans convinced screwing themselves over is the way to go. Their economic policies have destroyed our country and I find it hard to believe they still stand behind their ideas, but they serve their corporate masters, so I get it. Yet once again, they have come with an attack that is so shockingly stupid it is beyond my comprehension. Their attacks on Obama over his decision to not strongly criticize the Iranian government are astoundingly stupid. You’ve got to wonder if they actually believe taking such a ridiculously stupid stance is real, or if they will just say the opposite of whatever Obama believes.

Well, first of all, we are not for human rights all over the world. That’s the dumbest argument ever made. We just aren't. We never have been and we never will be. We’re about money and that’s all we are “for” all over the world. To believe otherwise is to deny history and reality.

But let me back up for a moment and just focus on Iran. If there is one country in the world that we owe the favor of staying out of their business to, it is Iran; America has already ruined Iran. The reason Iran is a theocracy is because of the United States of America. It’s called fucking yourself in the ass. It is one our greatest failures. We did more than “meddle” in Iran; in 1953 we helped to overthrow its democratically elected government, installed the brutal Shah and sent Iran on the path to dictatorship. It eventually led to the Islamic Revolution. That’s called “Blowback.” In the 1980’s we supported our friend Saddam Hussein in his war with Iran, which cost hundreds of thousands of Iranian lives. We even shot down an Iranian passenger jet in the ‘80s. Can you imagine if Iran had shot down one of ours?

Now, after years of belligerently stupid foreign policy, Obama has taken a different tact. It’s actually smart, which I’m sure confuses the Iranian leaders. They had become accustomed to the ignorant and simplistic responses of George Bush. Obama has chosen to take the “soft diplomacy” route and it’s already paying off. During his Cairo speech, he addressed Iran.

It’s hard to call someone the “Great Satan” when Satan is admitting mistakes. I know that’s difficult for the idiots in the GOP to understand, but that’s how it works. By not responding in kind, Obama has shown the belligerence of Iranian leaders to Iranians. They have been on the path to democracy for a long time. It’s a very slow one and should be. Iranians were already upset that their president’s language has caused economic isolation. It is causing massive unemployment and now that the US president is not responding like a mirror belligerent idiot, the focus is on one man as the problem: Ahmadinejad,

But the Republicans want us to keep swinging the big, dumb stick – because it's worked out so well over the past 8 years.

No, actually, they question if we believe in our principles because we support brutal regimes like Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Pakistan. They’re not idiots who believe in words over action. Those are your minions you are thinking of.

First, I don’t think in the closet gay guys should be talking about leading anything, not that being gay has anything to do with Senator Graham. Second, I cannot believe anyone would be so dumb as to not understand that if we take a side, then the Iranian government can call the protesters “tools” of the United States. Seriously, how can you be that stupid? I honestly can’t understand it.

Also, the idea that Obama making a harsh statement would have an uplifting affect on the Iranian protesters is shockingly arrogant. Get over yourselves. How is this supposed to work?

Protestor: Today I take to the streets for my vote! I am willing to die for this cause. Justice must be served!

Obama: The Iranian leaders are super bad. I’ve got your back with words but not action!

Protestor: Oh, man, I was only kind of into this stuff, but now I’m really, really into it! I will now overthrow my government because some dude living in another country said he likes me.

That pretty much seems to be what people like McCain and Graham actually think is going to happen. One “atta boy” from the president and the game is changed. America likes you! Now you can have an awesome revolution! It’s so moronic I can barely wrap my head around it.

In reality, the statement McCain and company want would do serious harm to those Iranians taking on their government. Once they are labeled as associated with the United States, they will be murdered. As of now, the security forces are actually showing restraint. But Republicans seem to think having a segment of the Iranian population aligned with “The Great Satan” is wise. Amazing. And I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’m believing them to be sincere. If they are not and this is just another political game and they are criticizing Obama because they want to take the opposing view due to party politics – then they are more disgusting than I could ever imagine because lives are on the line. That is inexcusable.

The sad thing is the protesters aren’t even asking for western type democracy. Most Iranians want a religious government of some sort. What they are in the streets fighting for is the small bit of self rule they were allowed. As one man in the street said, “They’ve taken away the sham of electing someone.” Republicans, and many other Americans, are putting their own spin on it. At best, they want to believe a democracy will emerge from this mess, but that’s not part of the equation yet. This is just a small step in that direction and it’s going very well. (At worst, do they even care about democracy? It's not like Republican's were actually that keen on counting votes or even allowing all eligible Americans to cast them in recent elections.)

The Iranian government will never be the same. Ever. For us, that’s a pretty good deal. So, let’s stay out of this one. We have two reasons for doing so. First, our involvement would backfire on those people we want to succeed. Second, we owe them. We own the Iranian people for every horrible thing we have done. We owe them for subjecting them to 26 years of a brutal dictator followed by 30 years of an oppressive religious government. We did that and it’s time to take the moral high ground.

If we don’t – you can pretty much guarantee the opposite of what we want
will occur.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Holy shit there were a lot of Asshole Fuckfaces this week. I almost couldn’t fit all the nominees into my man purse. But, I did. Then I whittled them down to a manageable number and sorted them by color. After that, I lathered them in butter and dried them in the sun. Once dry, I threw them on the roof and the first four that slid back down became this week’s picks. It’s called science and it works very well, so put on your favorite leather lab coat because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some border protecting Asshole Fuckfacery.

This one is epic Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame material.

Meet Shawna Forde. She’s from Washington State, used to be the executive director of Minutemen American Defense and was named Bush's "operations director" for the Minutemen’s actions along the border. She even hosted an anti-immigrant “Summit” which was attended by Tom Tancredo, Duncan Hunter and Fred Thompson. Obviously, being a leader of the Minuteman, Shawna is a complete lunatic.

But that’s just talk. Now we have proof of her lunacy because she entered the home of some brown people and killed them.

Thanks for protecting us from that 9-year-old girl, Shawna.

Right. If you can’t raise money to protect America from donations, go rob and kill a drug dealer and his child.

Well, she was Mexican or the daughter of a bad person or something, so she deserved to die. Please put Shawna and her Asshole Fuckface friend in prison with the Mexican Mafia. Thanks.

Next up, some GOP racist Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s pretty difficult to go an entire week without stumbling across some delightful Republican racism. See, back in the old days they sent hilarious racist emails to each other and laughed and laughed and laughed. But now they have a huge problem: The president is black. So, when they try to take their fantastic racist jokes and apply them to the president, it brings them a whole bunch of attention. Bummer.

First up, South Carolina GOP official Sherri Goforth posted a hilarious picture up on Facebook. It’s of all the presidents. The last one is a bit weird, though.



Ha ha ha! He’s black! I get it! You can only see black people’s eyes. Because they’re black! Get it! Weeeeee.

Fucking wrong list. Clearly that was the problem.

Second is South Carolina GOP operative Mike Green. (Good week, South Carolina!) Mike has discovered Twittering, which means he can spread his hilarious racist jokes further.



Ah ha ha ha ha. Get it? Obama is black, so he’s against everything white and good. I love it! But, Mike realized he had made an error.



Totally. Your error being you made your racist comment in public, believing everyone thinks the way you do because all your friends are racist.

Next up, some presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Barack Obama took a deep dive into Lake Asshole Fuckface this week with some heinous bullshit. First, Barack and his hoard attacked gay Americans in a way religious zealots would be proud of.

Sweet. Nothing like shitting on people who supported you.

Oh, good, you compared gay marriage to incest. Nice work, Obama peeps. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was probably not a good idea to have a Mormon, who was hired by Bush, to write the brief, especially considering it was not even necessary. But, hey, it’s working out well, because the gay community is furious and bailing in droves. (Pssst, you're supposed to be on their side)

Good work, all around.

Next up, more presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obama is having one hell of a week. First his crew spit in the face of gays and then he went and pulled a big, fat Bush.

Now, that is the transparency we were looking for.

Yes, let’s ignore the TWO RULINGS by the courts and go on about our merry way because we didn’t have enough presidents ignoring the law over the past eight years. But, hey, he did warn us he was into this kind of stuff.

Hell yeah!

You tell 'em!

Whatever it takes to win, eh, liar?

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It turns out that Americans and Iranians are not so different after all. The current protests in Iran show a yearning for democracy and a desire for self-determination. After what appears to have been a blatantly stolen election in Iran, supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi have taken to the streets, defying a protest ban. Protesters are being beaten and shot at, but they remain because they believe a great injustice has occurred.

We here in America get it. We fully support your struggle, Iranians.

There is a time when one has to take a stand and fight. It's how we birthed our great nation and it's something we value and use when necessary.

There comes a time when enough is enough and men must stand up against tyranny. Like the man who stood in front of that tank in Tiananmen Square in 1989, this is your time. Did that man and his fellow protesters succeed? Not in the short term, but they laid the groundwork for a future revolution. They showed how powerful a mob can be, just as the Iranians in the streets of Tehran are today and Americans on the streets of Los Angeles did on Sunday night.

The parallel desires for justice are amazing..

Justice. Now. Every movement has a leader. Iran has the eloquent Mousavi.

America has the bold Kobe Bryant.

We stand together.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

There are some very horrible people in the world. Luckily for us, they tend to shoot their mouths off or pick up severed feet off the road to train their dogs. That means they draw attention to themselves, which means I have something to write about on Thursday. Oh, sweet Jesus did they do a job this week. Serious Asshole Fuckfacery about to commence. Put on your favorite plastic burka because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some conservative Asshole Fuckfacery.

Conservatives have finally come to the conclusion that we have to kill all things American that do not adhere to their belief system. This week, they began to call for a boycott of General Motors, because the Treasury Department is going to own 60% of company stock after the company emerges from bankruptcy. Obviously, that means the company should be destroyed and all the workers that go along with it. Because loving America means ruining American lives for ideology.

Hugh Hewitt explains.

Yes. The company should remain private and just die. That would be more American.

A fat, deaf, drug addict, three-time divorced, multi-millionaire, voice of the common man also chimed in.

Indeed. Why, I remember just last year when Limbaugh and company called for boycotts against Bear Sterns, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, AIG and Citibank. Oh, wait, those companies don’t have unions, so they said nothing about boycotting them.

A conservative boycott would be, sadly, consistent with their current economic ideas. Basically, they would be boycotting something they own, hoping to drive it out of business, so companies they don’t own would flourish. This way, their money would go overseas and they would lose about $50 billion in taxpayer money. It’s quite an intelligent stance to take.

Kudos, conservative idiots, you have hit a new low.

Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Turns out Republican Asshole Fuckfacery knows no bounds in its attempts to undermine America.

During these shaky economic times, our government is doing all it can to stabilize the situation. While the Obama administration may not always make the right move, it’s probably best not to undermine the president, you know, because we are all Americans and fucking him actually FUCKS US.

Illinois GOP Congressman Mark Kirk recently explained to our friends in China that the Obama administration is lying to them.

Uh, oh. Hey. Don’t….

Oh, good. You went ahead and did it. You went right ahead an told the the Chinese that the US government was lying to them because “we need to build trust and confidence in our number one creditor.” Obviously, the best way to build trust is to tell them they are being lied to. You are American to the core, guy stepping in where he doesn’t belong.

Next up, some Special Olympics Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard trying to drive around town when there is a Special Olympics run in progress. It’s especially hard when you are an Asshole Fuckface named David Schwartz of Santa Clarita, California.

So, he called kids running in the Special Olympics “faggots.” That’s not really special. But he wasn’t done yet. Schwartz then threw a bolt at the kids.

Oh, shit. You didn’t notice the Sheriff’s deputies running alongside? Bummer. That's a shame. I would have preferred the hero who called kids with handicaps "faggots" and threw metal objects at them got away with it.

He needs a dickectomy.

Next up, some pimp ]Asshole Fuckfacery.

Pimping a teenage girl out can be kind of a bitch. Sometimes they want something for all the strangers they are fucking for money. It can be quite a problem. Thankfully, an Australian pimp devised the perfect payment plan.

Hey, it’s sort of meat. And she was sixteen. My understanding is teenagers love McDonalds. She's loving it!

Enjoy the prison food! And, please, someone turn his anus into a McNugget.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Our media is pretty much a sad, dried up piece of dung. They sat idly by as the Bush Administration lied about intelligence and took us to war. Actually, they kind of gave Bush a wrap-around the while it was going on. They decided not to tell us about the Bush torture program for one whole year after it was uncovered. Their coverage of the current economic crisis has been woeful, to say the least. Those are just the big examples. The media is a shell of its former self and has basically become a national embarrassment. Nothing exemplifies how lame our media has become more than Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney is the daughter of Dick Cheney. You may have possibly seen her spewing nonsense from her hate hole over the past couple of weeks because she has been invited on news program after news program to espouse torture and criticize President Obama. She is qualified, after all, because she was raised by a monster. And worst of all, she’s usually allowed to be the only guest, so her lying goes unchallenged, because our journalists are cowards and lack knowledge. Being the lone guest is considered a privilege and is reserved only for high officials and newsmakers, which she is not. She is someone’s daughter. The daughter of a man no one will defend. So, naturally, our media allows her to step up and defend dear old dad.

The media does not hold her feet over the fire and go after her father for his obvious war crimes. Instead, they allow her to go on the offensive against Obama and all things Democratic. The Cheney family plan is to attack as a defense. Our media’s complicity in this act is no different that their horrifying coverage leading up to the war. A wrong was committed, justice needs to be served and they are allowing the war criminal’s daughter to attack the president on our airwaves. A new low? It’s pretty pathetic.

The exciting thing about a democracy is that if our government won’t take the appropriate action, our media is supposed to step up and do their job. That then informs the masses and pressure is put upon the government and problems, like war criminals running about, are resolved. In this case, the war criminal’s daughter is the one running the narrative. How awesome is that?



Stick around, Pol Pot’s daughter chimes in after the break!

There’s nothing quite like the daughter of a war criminal accusing the current president of “hand-holding” terrorists and then watching as the “journalist” does not tear her a new asshole. Kudos. I’d like to note here that during Obama’s speech he backed up the use of troops in Afghanistan because terrorists are “determined to kill as many Americans as they possibly can,” and re-committed to destroying terror networks. He just didn’t throw down support for anally raping boys. Dear "Journalist" here's a possible follow up question:

Liz, you claim Obama is “hand-holding” terrorists, but while your father was in office, women and children were raped by interrogators. Are you saying Obama should continue with the rape?

Imagine. The. Answer.

And it’s not like this is an isolate incident. The woman has been all over the media. Just check out what she’s been up to since May 12th.

Embarrassing. There is no excuse for having the daughter of Dick Cheney on television. None. She’s worthless and a liar.

Oh, wait. Turns out there is an awesome reason.

She’s a great guest. It’s awesome when a guest can come on and lie about her daddy's involvement in the most important issues facing our country.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper. You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

One hundred. This is a milestone or something. A centenary of Asshole Fuckfacing. What better way to celebrate than with another horrible, horrible Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Put something on and get ready for some stuff.

First, some disgusting pro-some life Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our religious zealots have a lot of explaining to do this week. Not just for the murder they committed, but also for their reaction to the murder. On Sunday, anti-abortion lunatic and American terrorist Scott P. Roeder shot and killed Dr. George Tiller. Tiller was one of the few doctors in America willing to provide 2nd and 3rd term abortions.

Oh, good, the gunman did it in church, in front of God and probably a bunch of children. I was worried this might be really creepy. Roeder is a terrorist, plain and simple. In the past, he was caught with explosives.

He is a member of the American Taliban.

Jesus Fail.

Roeder should be waterboarded in order to get information out of him about other American terrorists. Since that is what we do to terrorists, we should get on it pronto (and take photographs -- so we can destroy them later after leaking some to the press). Also, we might want to start putting these type of citizens on a list of possible terrorists. They certainly should be placed on the “no fly list.”

These ones have all put their names next to their Twitter updates, so they should be easy to identify.

Terrorist sympathizers, every single one. They support the Dr. Killer killer, so let’s put them on the “no fly list” and waterboard them for info. Let’s get to it. Now. Please. Thanks.

Next up, some office hi-jinks Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sometimes it’s hard not to take a little something from the workplace. Stapler at home broken? Why that one on your desk seems nice. How about those files? Really could use a couple for the cabinet at home? Pens? Want and need. Or maybe you need a foot.

Hey, when you need a foot, you need a foot. There's no getting around that.

No. But he didn’t need it, right? He’s got another one.

First question: Why can’t that be Adam Lambert? Second question: What the fuck?

Yeah, I’d believe that if you hadn’t taken HIS FOOT.

No, it doesn’t. She took a dude’s FOOT.

Next up, a lunatic lying Asshole Fuckface.

Dick Cheney is obviously the worst human being America has produced this century. Not only is he a crazy torture fanboy, but he also enjoys lying out of his ass constantly. This week, former Bush I and Clinton counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke criticized Cheney for using 9/11 to justify his torture nonsense. Cheney no likey.

Um. Dude.

Other than that, and telling Condi Rice Al Qaeda would be the Bush Administration’s biggest problem, yeah, you totally nailed it. Many politicians seem to forget that videotape exists that undermines their current positions, but Dick Cheney seems to forget that print exists. He still hasn’t wrapped his little brain around the existence of the written word.

Finally, some visual WTF Asshole Fuckfacery.



Totally not gay. You know who would have loved this? George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, Lenny Bruce, Johnny Carson. They were all about their sweet, sweet bodies. Anyone who knows anything knows a comedian isn’t good until he can pose in Entertainment Weekly straining his oiled up abs so hard his capillaries might burst.

I remember when comedians were the guys who were tormented by the hypocrisy, unfairness and insanity they saw in society and were driven to point it out. Now, it’s all about abs.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I was very sad to see Obama pass on my gay pick for the Supreme Court. I really wanted the Republicans to be forced to show their colors as they made homosexuality the main issue to keep someone off the bench. It didn’t happen. Fortunately, Obama went with a pick that is so politically shrewd it is astounding: Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Turns out she’s not white. After the dust settles, the Democrats will have created a majority for many, many, many years. Why? Because Republicans can’t stop their racist nonsense from spewing forth out of their loud holes. By the time this nomination process is over, America’s Hispanic population will be done with the Republicans for a long, long time.

Immediately after the pick, the idiots went on the offensive. Rush Limbaugh, who is a shocking racist, declared Judge Sonia Sotomayor a racist. Rush is one of the leaders of the Republican Party and he is losing his shit over the Sotomayor pick.

Right. Racism should remain where it belongs – on AM radio. Next Newt Gingrich also joined the asshole party. He’s made statements to the press and has Twittered about Sotomayor.

Oooooo. This southern white racist seems to be upset with the Latina. And he follows it through to its natural conclusion.

Wow, what a weird thing to Tweet during a trip to Auschwitz. But, hey, stay focused and all that. Don’t feel weird Twittering about a Latina woman being racist while you are at the hellmouth of hatred, super white guy.

Naturally, Newt followed up with with an email to his minions that explained how Sotomayor nomination is “un-American.” Totally. That’s why George H. Bush nominated her to the bench. Of course, the racism charge stems from a quote taken out of context. Here’s the deeply offensive statement.

Oh no! She’s worse than the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan! What will white men do?!?! If you really want to know how the right wing is spinning this, take a look at the entire speech. Not at all what they are spinning it into.

But let’s take that quote out of context and accept it. How’d this guy make it on the bench?

What the fuck?!?! Racist son of a bitch! How dare he use his life to contaminate his views. How’s he on the bench?!?!

While most, but not all, of the Republican lawmakers in Congress are saying this nomination should not have anything to do with race, they are letting the attack dogs run wild. Tom Tancredo is running around freaking about Sotomayor being a member of La Raza, which he says is a Latino KKK. He mostly says that because he is retarded.



Um, yeah. Remember all those lynchings of white people La Raza pulled off in the west? Man, those were some dark days. And in the '50s, you couldn’t go a week without hearing a story about a group of Latinos dragging a white man behind a truck by a chain.

Tancredo – and my father – believe La Raza means “The Race.” It does not.

While I know they are completely incorrect and their attacks are insane, I’d like them to continue. And I’d like them to go on every news channel, radio station and talk show in America. Scream that message loud and often, idiots, because you are doing even more damage to your already unpopular party. If it continues at this pace, the damage will be permanent. By the time this is over, Latinos will flock to the Democratic Party in dramatic numbers.

They need to keep this up. It looks like nothing other than angry privileged white men attacking a woman because of her race. And the news networks will eat it up and continue putting these morons on the television because it’s conflict and conflict means ratings.

Oh, and there’s an added bonus. Republican on Republican violence. Not all conservatives are pleased about the attacks on Sotomayor. They can see them for what they are: The death of the Republican Party, which may not be able to resurrect itself from this for years.

That’s not how your side came into power. You guys rode the back of fear and hideous attacks. Your peeps are doing what they have always done. They literally know no other way. You’re just pack animals who have tasted blood and won’t stop until you’re put down.

I mean, look at this shit.

This dude has his own radio show.

Please. Keep. Going.

So, it should be all white men.

Sit back, pray for more racist nonsense and enjoy the show. It’s the end of any hope the Republican Party ever had at regaining control of Congress.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Three months after the federal Conservatives passed their budget, with the support of the Liberal party (outside of Newfoundland & Labrador), members of all three opposition parties are calling for Finance Minister Jim Flaherty to resign, or be fired, from his position. These calls come at the heel of Flaherty’s recent announcement that the Federal deficit will be much higher than predicted -- $16 billion dollars higher, to be precise.

In January, the Conservatives, who promised during the Federal election in October 2008 that there would be zero deficit spending, forecasted a deficit of some $34 billion in 2009-2010. Prior to that, in the Conservative's economic update in the fall of 2008, Flaherty had predicted a surplus for 2009. Now Flaherty is saying the deficit will run over $50 billion dollars. If things continue at pace, we’ll soon find ourselves in hole much deeper than that.

However, Jim refutes the opposition’s demands that he step down or be fired, saying “I’m busy doing my job.” That may be true, but clearly, he’s not doing it very well. Indeed, Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff has gone so far as to call Flaherty’s “handling” of the economic crisis “incompetence on a historic scale.” Perhaps a little harsh, there Michael, but then again, maybe not. Ignatieff went on to (correctly) tell the House of Commons that “Canadians are tired of these sorry ‘guesstimates’ – they want to know the truth” about how far deeper in debt we’re going to get as these recession days continue to pile up.

For his part, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was quick to call Ignatieff a “hypocrite”, slamming the Conservative government one moment for running a deficit, then demanding the government spend more money the next.

Of course, Steve has a point: it can’t be easy trying to fix a system that’s inherently fucked while pandering to opposition politicians who are vying for a chance to run the show. Then again, Harper offers no realistic answer to Ignatieff’s question, passing the buck back to the economy, saying the deficit spending will end when the economy rights itself. However, there is globally no sign of any economy righting itself as of yet, so I for one, am not holding my breath on that one.

Meanwhile, other economic shenanigans abound across the Dominion. While upwards of 300,000 jobs have been lost since the Conservatives promised not to run a deficit if reelected in October 2008, board members of the Canadian Pension Plan, which recorded losses of $24 billion in 2008, awarded clearly inept executes some $17 million in bonuses in the past 2 years.

NDP leader Jack Layton called out the Prime Minister, who approved the bonuses, on this issue. In their inimitable style, Harper and Flaherty shrugged off these criticisms, with Steve saying, “That is a board decision, not a government decision.” Enough said, right? I mean, those board members only lost $24 billion of tax payers money, while Harper and Flaherty are in the process of potentially pissing away upwards of four times that amount.

So: should Finance Minister Flaherty step down, or should the PM fire the bastard? Conversely, should a man who less than a year ago, while much of the world was already beginning to feel the “credit crunch”, predicted Canada would enjoy a surplus of government funds this year be allowed to keep his job in the face of what is approaching an $80 billion-plus deficit?

In the real world, far removed from the chauffeured, air-conditioned bubble of Ottawa, this sorry bastard would have lost his job months ago. Such is life. Tighten your belts, friends -- this shit storm is just beginning!

How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. You’d think after all the thrashings they’ve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they can’t. They have to do their evil deeds and shame all of mankind. Thank God I am here to drag them out of the darkness for you to mock. And this week there will be plenty of mocking because these creeps exhibit extra Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put on your favorite leather rug because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Canadian Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s worse than beating a seal to death with a club? How about advocating for the guys who beat seals to death with clubs? Canada’s Governor General, Michaelle Jean, knows how to show her solidarity with seal clubbers. The poor seal clubbers are upset because the European Union voted to ban seal products on the grounds that the “seal hunt is cruel.” I guess. I mean, if you think beating something to death with a blunt instrument is cruel, then it is. Hippy.

Sure. Did you want to bathe in the blood, too? Maybe put the seal eyes in your eye sockets and run around screaming?

Well, who can argue with someone that makes such a convincing point? I bet if you eat the seal anus, everyone in the world would reverse all seal product bans.

How about an official, “What the fuck?” I think it’s in order.

Yeah. “Great stuff.” She’s really helping your cause. Too bad Jeffrey Dahlmer is dead or you could sign him up, too.

Next up, some phone company Asshole Fuckfacery.

A 62-year-old man from Carrollton, Ohio flipped out this week. The local Sheriff received a call because he was “destroying the house and breaking windows and other items.” Dude then grabbed a bunch of pills and ran off. Law enforcement officials were very worried about the man’s life, so they began a search.

Police officers also decided to call his cell phone provider in an attempt to use his cell phone signal to locate him. Unfortunately, the Verizon operator was an Asshole Fuckface.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Guy might be dead. Right. That’s kind of a bummer, but I’ve got shit going on on my end, too. Like a bill. A huge bill.

Twenty dollars, yo. You think Verizon can take that kind of a hit? The economy is no bueno, amigo. Fortunately, when paramedics got there, the man was “unconscious and unresponsive.” Yay, Verizon! You guys should put that in an ad.

We will leave you dying in a field over $20. It’s a huge network!

That’s some kick ass PR right there.

Next up, some culinary Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you were planning on having dinner at Ming's BBQ on Buford Highway in Doraville, Georgia, feel free to cancel your reservations. Earlier this year, police discovered some awesome stuff in back of the restaurant. They took pics!

Mmmm. I love pigs stacked in buckets outside. It's yummy and that's exactly how they describe it on the menu.

Um. Shouldn’t you hide the cat skin after you killed it and cooked it for customers? Just tossing it out back seems kinda stupid. I always put my cat skins in the sewer.

Of course, health inspectors acted swiftly.

Thank you for not closing the cat killing, pigs in buckets out back, raw meat kickin’ it in the backyard restaurant.

Oh, and one time they served cat.

Finally, some governator Asshole Fuckfacery.

Asshole Fuckface Arnold will be leaving his post as California Governor soon. In his wake, he will leave a state destroyed by anti-tax Republican retardation. Now, I can’t believe a washed up action star couldn’t turn the state around. I mean, who would have thought a man who acts like a tough guy in movies, who came to fame by making big muscles, couldn’t handle the complexity of governing a massive state like California?

Arnold’s first step was to follow the Republican mantra. His first day in office he cut the Vehicle License Fee, which eliminated $6.5 billion per year from the state coffers. Over his time in office, that one move has led to a $35 billion dollar increase in state debt. He also convinced voters to pay off the budget deficit in his first year with a $15 billion dollar bond – thereby pushing the debt and allowing us to pay interest on it.

Now he wants to lay off 5,000 state employees during a recession. Genius. He also wants to cut $5.4 billion from schools, because our schools rank amongst the worst in the country. Why? Oh, tax cuts gutted our schools in the late '70s and our kids have suffered ever since. Arnold also wants borrow $7.5 billion for local governments. You know, the local governments suffering through a recession and years of cuts because of the GOP’s anti-tax no matter what policy. Oh, and the governator also wants to lease more sites for off shore oil drilling to bring in $100 million. Problem is, the state doesn’t have an oil severance tax. Can you see Republicans agreeing to tax the oil companies? If you can, you’re an idiot. They enjoy the slash and burn policies of stupidity.

Oh, but it’s not just programs he was trying to expand, he also wants to cut funding that keeps people alive. His cuts will also affect 35,000 Californians who count on state funding to get their HIV/AIDS medications.

Shit, I’m sorry, but Republicans refuse to raise any taxes. Bummer you have to die because of it, but it’s a moral thing. It would be immoral to take money that is not yours, sicko.

Arnold will be gone in 18 months, leaving complete destruction. That’s the Republican way. Insane, deluded, idiotic, childish policies that lead to a disaster.

And as goes California, so goes the nation.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Last week I covered the horror of America’s usury law problem and how it has caused a massive imbalance of where our money should be. It has shifted dramatically to the financial sector, where it is used to produce nothing. The worst of the worst of the financial sector are the payday lenders. They are scum of the earth and should be shut down immediately. They prey upon the weak and cause endless suffering. Other than that, they are great guys.

Payday lending works like this: Some poor sap has a job and a bank account and she can’t cover his bills for the month. She’s just a bit behind on the rent or her gas bill and she needs an advance on her paycheck. She’s got a new baby, after all, and she can’t afford to have the gas shut off or to be tossed out of her apartment. So, she goes to the payday lender.

Once there, she opens a line of credit. The lender agrees to give her an advance on her next paycheck and she in turn writes a check from her bank account for that amount, to the payday lender. It’s post dated and the lender agrees not to cash the check until lady’s payday. Oh, and there’s a massive fee, typically around $17 for every $100. For one payday loan, that’s not much. But it never ends there. Oh, and they don’t have to pay that fee until their next paycheck. That, of course, causes a problem on the day they get their next paycheck. It’s literally built as a trap.

The woman who needed an advance on her paycheck and paid a fee to get it, will now need another advance. Why? Well she was already behind and now she’s more behind because of the fee. She can’t afford to pay that fee, so now she needs another payday loan and she rolls it over. Welcome to the toilet, madam, you’re slowly being flushed.

These people become sharecroppers on their own life, giving the lender a never-ending share of their future earnings. Seventy-five percent of borrowers roll their loans over to the next week. The average borrower will pay $500 in fees for a $300 loan. Annual interest rates for payday loans average over 400 %. Consider the fees charged by one payday lender in DC as reported by The Washington Post:

Today America is chock full of payday lenders. It’s one of the fastest growing businesses in the USA. It’s a $40 billion industry. There are now over 22,000 payday lenders serving over 10 million Americans. Of course, those 10 million Americans are the working poor, the ones who can least afford a 806% interest loan. Many of them feel they have no choice but to take out a loan. That’s why all the payday lenders are in the worst part of town. They are predators, seeking out the weak. Last week the Huffington Post revealed that armies of "paid bloggers" had been deployed to promote payday loans:

Yeah....getting financially raped is very poetic.

Once in the cycle of doom, borrowers are screwed. Payday lenders worsen their impoverished lives and create more desperation. It’s a quick fix that leads to future horror, but the poor just want to get through that week, they aren’t thinking about two months from now, they just don’t want to lose their car today. After all, the Wal-mart where they work is way outside of town.

Thankfully, Congress is doing what they can to help the poor payday lenders.

Go Congress! Maybe we can bring back sharecropping again!

At this time, with our distribution of wealth completely out of whack, when our usury laws need to be changed to give the poor a chance and bring stability back to our country and resurrect our manufacturing base, the response of our lawmakers is to make it easier for payday lenders, by capping their interest rates at a meager 391%.

As I said last week, we are doomed.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. We do this shit here weekly. We have to. If we didn’t, the world’s Asshole Fuckfaces would be sauntering about without a care in the world. So, here we are, pointing out all the Rafa Benitez’s and Michele Bachmann’s of the world for you to mock and hate. This week has been so chalk full o’ Fuckfaces it was hard to pick four. But I did. And I now present them to you.

First up, some good old GOP Southern Asshole Fuckfacery.

Going into politics is sometimes hard because you are quickly forced to realize that most people don’t enjoy your racist or anti-Semitic language. Take Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren who, besides having the same first name as one of the girls on The Facts of Life, also was bitten by the stereotypical Southern idiot bug.

Totally. What he was trying to say is that even the evil Jew has moral standards. Or, no, wait; maybe he was just trying to remember his name.

RIght. Could either have been “Jew” or “Jewish.” Not really sure, but it was totally relevant to the discussion of traditional values and foreign policy.

I understand. Sometimes I call them “negroes,” but it’s not derogatory because I often agree with Charles Barkley.

Next up, some hall of fame Asshole Fuckfaces are worse than imagined.

Donny Rumsfeld is one of the all time great Asshole Fuckfaces. His epic Iraq War failure is one of the great military blunders of all time. Thankfully, his acts of horror continue to be revealed, so that we may continue to throw up in buckets. This week GQ published an article that is, simply astounding.

Let’s start with the cover sheets Rummy used for the intelligence updates he gave to Bush. Each cover sheet included a nice photo of American soldiers or Saddam Hussein and a wonderful biblical quote. That way, Bush would continue to think he was fighting a holy war.

I’m surprise they didn’t do some Crusade re-enactments on the back lawn. Sadly, that little tidbit of horror was not the worst information revealed in the article. Rummy also helped to kill Americans with his response to Katrina.

Good call. Also, Shepard Smith is crying like a baby on Fox because of all the horror he's looking at.

Um. Maybe you haven’t noticed Mr. President, but a lot of those people are black. You know what I’m saying, right?

Rumsfeld held off on sending troops for 7 days. Anything happen over those seven days? Can anyone recall anything?

Next up, some awesome Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Sometimes, as a parent, you face a super hard choice between your beliefs and letting your young son live. Just ask Colleen Hauser of Minnesota. She believes in the natural healing methods of an American Indian religious group called the Nemenhah Band. Unfortunately, her 13-year-old son came down with Hodgkins lymphoma –- a curable form of cancer. By “curable” I mean with chemo and radiation, not this:

I don’t know how you could go wrong by treating cancer with info from the Internet. Hell, you idiots here at SuicideGirls have probably cured many different types of cancer on the message boards. Unfortunately, the law stepped in and last week, a judge ruled that Hauser was neglecting her son. She took him to one chemo treatment, and then bailed.

On the run with a boy who has cancer! She’s like Dillinger, except instead of a gun, she has a young boy – with cancer. Police have several leads and she appears to be an idiot, so by the time this is posted, I expect her to be caught.

And finally, check out this criminal Asshole Fuckface.



Bragging and justifying war crimes is sort of sickening. But even worse, the fact that Obama appears to have no problem allowing this walking piece of shit to cross the country, bragging about his war crimes for all to hear, is beyond the pale. According to Obama and his spokesman Gibbs, we need to look towards the future, not the past, regardless of how blatant and disturbing the war crime. That’s an impressive stance to take, Mr. Constitutional lawyer and Asshole Fuckface. Why not just allow police to waterboard? How about we set up a waterboarding room in every FBI office? Let’s go.

At this point, Cheney is taunting and daring Obama and/or Congress to do something. Don't hold your breath.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

UK citizens, are you aware that from the 26th January this year, you may have become a de facto criminal?

I’m not referring to that bag of weed hidden in your sock drawer, nor the drunken theft of those road signs a few years back. No, what I am referring to is hidden on your computer, in a folder within a folder; it’s probably got some nondescript name such as ‘Tax Stuff’ or ‘Word Documents’. Ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to your pornography collection.

The last time your solo-surfing material got you into trouble it was probably with your mum or your girlfriend, and you may well have been 15-years-old. But now the government is poking its long nose in where, quite frankly, I’d rather they didn’t.

Sections 63-67 and 71 of the United Kingdom Criminal Justice and Immigration Act on the possession of extreme pornographic images now dictate that it is an offence to possess certain images.

There are several key areas where this legislation poses cause for concern.

For example, ‘life threatening’ and ‘serious injury’ are not defined anywhere in the act; it is left to the judge and jury to decide whether an image counts as such. So would a shallow bleeding cut inflicted with a knife count as ‘serious injury’? Consider that anything that breaks the skin would be enough for an Actual Bodily Harm charge, as opposed to the less serious Battery. What about somebody with their hands around someone’s neck in an asphyxiation scenario? Truth is, you don’t really know until you’re on trial, which is not going to help your defence.

Moreover, the images do not have to be ‘real’ to be eligible under the legislation. Fake wounds count, as well as fake weapons and staged scenarios, as long as they are ‘realistic’ and ‘explicit’. If you own any BDSM pornography in which all the participants have given their consent and in which careful control has been exercised during production to make sure no-one is hurt, well, that’s illegal too.

So, what are the penalties?

That’s pretty serious when you consider that it is likely everybody involved consented of his or her own free will. But wait, there’s more.

Your image that did no lasting damage to anyone has just landed you on a list of pedophiles and rapists, which can seriously damage your future prospects.

The UK legal establishment has long been overly harsh on consenting practitioners of BDSM, as the infamous R v Brown case continues to show. It remains to be seen how much money and time individual police forces are willing to spend perusing prosecutions in these cases, especially when you consider that the majority of ‘offenders’ are unlikely to pose a risk to society.

So why bother? The law was a reaction to the case of Jane Longhurst, a teacher who was murdered by a porn-obsessed psychopath. Jane’s mother, Liz, has publicly lobbied Parliament to ban the images that she believes contributed to her daughter’s death. However, this thinking seems flawed, as put by Clair Lewis of the Consenting Adult Action Network:

Source.

CAAN predicts the laws will lead to “harmless criminals and victimless crimes.” The UK is sleepwalking into a 1984 culture, with our sleazy politicians introducing reactive legislations through the back door for popularist appeasement, and it is people like you and me who will suffer for it.

For information and advice about this issue please visit Backlash-uk.org.uk
Click HERE for a Government circular on the legislation.

The manner in which we have destroyed our economy is astounding. We are so far from understanding and correcting our massive fuck ups that even this current obliteration of our ways has not brought up the discussion that needs to be had: Our usury laws are insane. Our usury laws drove us into debt, sped up the loss of our manufacturing base and have directly led to the murder of the middle class. And it’s only going to get worse. The looming credit card crisis will be the next shoe to drop and with deflation a serious threat, shockingly heinous and fluctuating interest rates will make it impossible for many to get by. Even ancient Babylon had laws against the shit we allow lenders to get away with.

Quite a few successful ancient empires considered usury to be worse than murder and it was punished accordingly. We, because we are an incredibly wise country, decided to toss out centuries of law and tradition. First in the early 1900’s, we began to gut our usury laws and then under Jimmy Carter they were fully disemboweled. It’s not like we didn’t have a time period to look back on and see what would happen.

Slavery. Totally different from working endless hours at a job just to pay back a bank. Well, I say pay back a bank, but the amount borrowed has already been paid off tenfold. In reality, the average Joe in debt is paying off interest and more interest and more interest. It’s debt slavery and America is kicking ass.

What Hammurabi and Ezekiel knew, Americans certainly do not. It’s pretty simple. If you create a debt society by allowing insane interest rates, capital is removed from manufacturing and small business. It all gets pumped into the banks and everything is then out of balance. And it’s not just the money, the top minds head into the financial world, spurning the areas where society needs them, like manufacturing. Eventually it all collapses on itself. Welcome to America.

America has become a bunch of clowns scraping by to pay off the financial sector. We are waiters, Wal-mart workers, gas station attendants and Starbucks coffee makers, but overall, the “Financial services sector” employs most Americans directly or indirectly. We have a society built on loans. We are eating ourselves. First we started with our hands, then our arms, our legs and now we are getting into the organs. I just ate my kidneys. Not bad, I suggest grilling.

Now that we have gotten rid of laborers and turned unions into our society’s villains, we are obviously much better off. In 2002 and 2003, the financial sector took in more than "40% of the profits that accrued to US corporations." That’s good right? In 1988 it was half that – because interest rates were relatively normal. Then came the 90's, when every business got into the business of loans. GM wasn’t a car company, it was a financial business that sold cars as a side project. As the financial sector swelled like a fat, sucking tic, our trade deficit exploded. That’s what happens when you stop making shit because profits are better loaning money to the people who used to have jobs making shit. Sadly, Americans did it to themselves by going into debt, little by little, until it was overwhelming. I just devoured my intestines. Not bad with a little balsamic.

The '70s are when we decided to toss our usury laws aside and rape each other at will. The big case that turned everything upside down was Marquette National Bank v. First of Omaha Service Corp. in 1978. Before that horrible Supreme Court decision, states could set their own interest rate caps. The court ruled that banks could set their rates based on the state “where the bank is located.” No mas. Good bye interest rates under 10%. It was the wild west as far as credit card companies were concerned and we were all victims about to be fed to the pigs in Deadwood.

The awesome thing about high interest rates is it allowed banks to take more risks on lenders. Since they were now charging huge interest rates, they could afford to loan to every hobo in the land. The insane amount of profits would make up for the defaults by the sad sacks would couldn’t make their payments. We’ve actually reached a point now where customers who pay off their cards every month are having their cards cancelled. Good is bad, bad is good and America is a giant pile of shit. I just ate my liver. Boiled it. Don’t recommend that.

The bestest thing of all is how the banks weren’t satisfied with insane interest rates that would have led to their execution back in the day. No, they also had to go with huge overdraft fees, ATM fees, transfer fees, and on and on. And we let them. We did so because we were using credit to get by and in our new mindset of stupidity, getting reamed is how it was done. Fortunately, the banks didn’t keep any of this money in reserve, they kept it flowing and “working,” so when the crisis hit, they had to ask the people they had been bending over a log and raping for a bailout. Thankfully, it’s all legal. I just gobbled up my lungs. Used a straw.

The only way out of this mess is to look at our usury laws again. Interest rates need to be capped at 9%. There is no other way out of this mess. Meanwhile, your president and his Wall Street douchebags/economic gurus, Tim Geithner and Larry Summers, ARE THE PROBLEM. They were and are part of the machine. They will never take such obvious and drastic action because they came up during the heinous period of whatever goes. They know no other way.

So, it’s time to take out the heart and fry it up in a pan with some butter. We’re fucked.

Next week, I’ll cover payday loans, which is actually 100 times worse than credit cards.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Occasionally, as Asshole Fuckface will be ignored during a Roundup. This can occur for several reasons. Often, there are worse Asshole Fuckfaces committing far worse acts. Sometimes it is just words instead of action. A heinous act will always get the nod over a statement, particularly if the statement is out of character. And sometimes, the Asshole Fuckface is such a complete tool that I could put her in the Roundup every single week. Seriously, welcome to a Michele Bachmann special edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Rip out your brain and put on your idiot hat, it’s the only way you’ll understand this nonsense.

THE MICHELE BACHMANN ASSHOLE FUCKFACE SPECIAL

Michele has been on a tear the past couple of weeks. She is a miraculous moron in an ordinary year and to say she has stepped up her game is an understatement. She began her trip into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame on March 27th, when she called for a revolution – forgetting that our president was elected by an overwhelming majority of the population.

This is exactly what Thomas Jefferson was talking about. Exactly. He was all about energy taxes and hatin’ on ‘lectric trains and shit.

Next came April 15th, when she conveniently re-wrote recorded history. And I’m not talking about old history, I’m talking a couple of years ago.

In 2006 six Imams were taken off a flight in Minneapolis and detained because some idiot passengers thought they were “suspicious.” “Suspicious” means praying and speaking Arabic. Of course, it was bullshit. They were returning from the Minneapolis conference of the North American Imams Federation and were simply engaging in their evening prayers. Last month, Bachmann explained what happened, but she used non-facts.

No, actually, not at all. They were not doing anything remotely close to what you describe and they had nothing to do with Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim. Turns out, not all Muslims know each other, unlike Republican Asshole Fuckfaces. Michele just blatantly lied to a large audience, even though the actual facts are well known. But we should not be surprised.

Next up, on April 22nd, Michele took a dip into Lake Stupid and came out really wet.



Holy fucking shit. Where to begin?

Um. It kills you if there’s too much of it. Literally. Kills you. Some people consider dying to be harmful.

Except when it kills you.

It’s not three percent. It’s .04%. If it was 3%, we’d be sleeping a long, long sleep. Oh, and just because something occurs naturally in nature doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Try drinking some Mercury and you’ll totally get what I mean. Seriously. Try drinking Mercury.

Next up, our favorite Asshole Fuckface pointed out the shocking coincidences of swine flu pandemics.



First up, the swing flu in the '70’s happened under the presidency of a guy named Gerald Ford. Ford was sort of a Republican. The vaccinations began under Ford and continued under Carter. So, you are an idiot for getting your facts wrong. Totally not surprised, but let’s pretend you weren’t.

If you find it “interesting” that the outbreak of flus occur under Democratic presidents, then you must believe that is happening for a reason. Why else would you bring it up? So, you are basically saying the Democrats are up to something. Apparently, Democrats have quite a bit to gain by setting the flu loose on the American public. So, Democrats want people to die and they have decided to use an uncontrollable weapon that could kill them and their families. I don’t know how anyone could find a flaw in that argument.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface idiot express, Michele said some shit about the past that wasn’t true. Can you believe it? Sit back and enjoy the Great Depression according to Michele Bachmann.



Yeah, not so much. I’d like to start out by saying it’s not the Hoot-Smalley bill, it was the Smoot-Hawley bill. We know this because it was written by Senator Reed Smoot of Utah and Representative Willis Hawley of Oregon, both Republicans. Besides that little mistake, I’m loving the idea that we should have kept going with the Coolidge awesomeness. Clearly it was really working well until fucking FDR stepped in.

Her stupidity can BEND TIME. That’s fucking awesome.

Finally, Michele took to the floor of Congress on May 2nd to talk about National Prayer Day, during which she babbled about a prayer Washington wrote…

Of course, it wasn’t actually a prayer written by Washington. It was from a letter he wrote when he resigned from the Army – which is totally different than an inauguration and totally different from a prayer.

Then Michele went on to show us why she is a leading scholar of American history.

Totally. Except there were these two years between the Constitutional Convention and the drafting of the Bill of Rights by the first Congress. But, almost the same day. Really, you were just off by seven hundred and twenty nine days.

Keep on keeping on, Michele. You are a national treasure.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Obama’s going to pick a Supreme Court nominee this year. This will be the first time we are going to have a justice picked by a non-asshole since the 90’s. Besides just a non-asshole, it’s the first time a president will pick a justice based on their credentials, instead of their insane right wing leanings and destructive business loving opinions. In all seriousness, if Justices Roberts and Alito could actually go down on corporations, they would. So this is a big deal. That’s why I think Obama should pick a gay woman. That doesn’t make sense after everything I just said, does it? Like I give a shit.

Let’s go gay. Let’s show the right wing what it feels like to watch an Alito take a seat on the bench. At least we can watch the right wing freak the fuck out and Senators filibuster for no other reason than because there might be a gay person on the bench. It’s a win-win. Do we have a gay woman who is qualified? Of course. Her name is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan graduated from Cornell in 1976, did a little Oxford Scholar action for a couple of years, then graduated from Harvard Law School in 1981 (cough, cough, Obama, Harvard, cough). Harvard law professor Larry Tribe brought Sullivan on to work with him on a Supreme Court case and was quite impressed.

Sullivan went on to clerk for Judge James Oakes on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. She worked for a couple of years in Boston for a law firm and was then recruited by Harvard as a professor – where she taught, ahem, Constitutional Law. At the same time, she was working it as a lawyer.

Sullivan moved to Stanford Law School in 1993, where she became dean in 1999. In 2004, she stepped down as dean to become the director of the new Stanford constitutional law center. Oh, and she is the Stanley Morrison Professor at Stanford Law School. She is super qualified for the position. Oh, and she represented Mitch McConnell at one point. You know, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, also known as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. I’d love to watch Republicans mount a campaign against a supremely qualified lawyer who once represented their Minority Leader. It’s like a gift from God.

For Republicans it would come down to one thing: Her sexuality. And the time for this battle has come. Let’s watch our insane religious lunatic lawmakers try to take on an openly gay litigator who is far better than any of them.

Kathleen Sullivan for SOTUS. Fucking bring it on.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Many people think Asshole Fuckfaces are a dime a dozen. You could not be more wrong. Since ancient times, my family has been searching out Asshole Fuckfaces and dragging them into the light for all to see. There is a specific criteria for selecting Asshole Fuckfaces and while I can’t reveal exactly what it is, I can tell you it involves tears, cucumbers, fishnet stockings, tuna fish, sand paper and knit caps. Trust me, it works. Now, put on your best tear proof poncho because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Pakistani Asshole Fuckfaci.

Ayman Udas has been growing in popularity as a singer. It wasn’t easy because she came from the North West area of Pakistan, which is sometimes known as “Holy Shit, What The Fuck Is Wrong With Those People-istan?” Being divorced mother of two, Udas personal life also seemed to be going well as she remarried two weeks ago.

Last week she performed on PTV, a state run channel on which she was frequent guest. She sang her song, “I died but still live among the living, because I live on in the dreams of my lover.” Trim that title down a bit and she might have a hit. Or, you could get a hit because your brother killed you for being on television.

Isn’t that what brothers are for? To kill you when you sing on TV? I’m sure they feel super good about themselves right now.

You know, there is also this thing called, “Cutting off.”

Next up, let’s move to Europe for some Asshole Fuckfacope.

Some medical professionals in Poland don’t really get it. Sure, they wanted to do the right thing, they wanted to make sure people don’t get sick, but they are Asshole Fuckfaces, so their morals are a bit off. Three doctors and six nurses were looking for a vaccine for the bird flu -- and they found one. Sort of.

Hey, that’s not at all like a shitty B movie plot.

That didn’t work very well, but, whatever, it's not like they are real people.

You, sir, are a fucking genius. I don’t know if there could be a greater example of a total lack of ethics in medicine.

Never mind. I found one.

Next up, more Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our “Representation” is fucking ridiculous. Even in times of extreme financial hardship, our lawmakers cannot find it within themselves to do the right thing for the everyday man. This week, the Asshole Fuckfaces voted against a proposal to change bankruptcy laws to allow judges to “cram down” mortgage payments for homeowners who are screwed.

Basically, "cram downs" allow the judge to lower mortgage payments for homeowners who owe more on their home than it is worth. The homeowner has to have also exhausted all other available options. These loan modifications are extremely effective at reducing foreclosures.

Senator Dick Durbin authored the "cram down" proposal and, of course, the Senate voted against it. What’s awesome is taxpayers gave trillions to banks, who then used that money to lobby against cram downs. And it worked. Welcome to double anal.

Durbin explained the situation in plain terms.

Not going to happen, Dick. Meanwhile, the mortgage bankers celebrated. Maybe that’s because they are super rich. See, judges are allowed to do cram downs on their vacation homes, investment properties and even luxury yachts, while the middle class and poor can’t have the same deal for their only home.

We are completely and totally fucked as a nation with these people running the show. You really shouldn’t see this any other way.

Finally, some FEMA Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who doesn’t love a 9-11 coloring book? I think they are great for kids. I’m going to put one on the shelf right next to my son’s Holocaust pop-out book, his Rape of Nanking connect-the-dots book and his New York Slave Auction audio-read-along book.

Sadly, FEMA has decided to pull its 9-11 coloring book, mostly because it’s a 9-11 coloring book.

Be sure to use the orange crayon for the fire, the gray for the smoke and blue for the people jumping out of the towers to their deaths.

Fuck yeah. It’s called “coping” you little babies. Now, color in the horrible thing that makes daddy queasy.

Apparently, parents didn’t care for it.

Good call. Maybe rabbits and dogs are good for coloring, not fiery death. FEMA also included some helpful words for the kids.

Word. Also, don’t look at our coloring book because it will give you nightmares and stomach aches.

FEMA has removed the book.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

I do enjoy watching the Democratic leadership stumble and bumble their way to ineffectiveness. It's just so absurd and stupid, all one can do is chuckle. The latest ridiculousness came last week, when they opened their arms wide for former Republican Senator Arlen Specter. He’s now a Democrat! Who will vote like a Republican! How awesome is that?

Bullshit. He wanted to stay a Senator and that’s it. This is anything but a good sign. All it proves is how far the Republicans have gone to the right – to the point where they are nearly insane. They are now driving out actual conservatives and the Democrats are accepting them into their ranks – further pushing their party to the right. Awesome. He constantly voted with Bush on issues like Iraq, the Patriot Act, Bush’s insane judicial nominees, Bush’s insane department appointees, telecom immunity, warrantless wiretapping, tax cuts and has strongly been opposed to any investigation of the many Bush crimes. See, what the leadership knows that you don't is that the Democrats need another Dianne Feinstein, Joe Lieberman or Ben Nelson. Add another problematic jackass to the pile, because these are the "moderates" who force the Democratic Party to act like Republicans in order to get things passed.

Apparently, Democrats think the best way to build their majority, is to bring in people who agree with them on around 10% of stuff. And they want that guy to be from the blue state of Pennsylvania, the guy who was driven from his crazy party for being too liberal, even though he is very, very conservative. He’s just not crazy conservative. But the Democrats love it! Thanks for the trash! They'll take it!

Democrats have apparently given Specter undeserved seniority, upsetting some long time Democratic Senators.

Nice. And the leadership also thought it would be a great idea to promise him party support in the Democratic Primary. You know, the thing in which Democrats get to choose the best Democrat. During his “I’m bailing” press conference, Specter explained how the Democratic leadership promised to support him and raise money for him during the 2010 election. So, they have decided to choose a Republican instead of a Democrat because the Republicans were going to choose a crazier Republican. So, the Republicans will get the politician that most represents them (crazy) and the Democrats will get the politician that least represents them. Welcome to completely failed leadership and the usurping of Democracy.

In an exciting example of the future Democratic Senator Arlen Specter, he explained that he would not support Obama’s choice to head the Office of Legal Counsel. He also reiterated that he would not support the Employee Free Choice Act, which is sort of cause #1 for unions – you know, labor, also known as the backbone of the Democratic Party. So, that’s good. They picked up a new guy who is against the backbone of the party. His first vote as a Democrat was awesome. He voted against Obama’s budget. Good work, Democrats, all around.

This weekend he made it very clear where he stands.

Point made. You’re not a loyal Democrat. You’re a “Kinda Democrat.” A kinda, sorta, whatever it takes to stay in the Senate for another term Democrat. Which is great, because that is exactly what the Democrats need.

They should have let Specter swing in the wind. He was clearly going to lose the Republican Primary. It doesn’t matter if he is a Democrat or a Republican until Franken is seated, anyway. He’s not going to vote with Democrats on a shitload of issues, so supporting him in the Pennsylvania primary is completely idiotic. No promises of that nature should have ever been made – especially since it undemocratic. But, what do the Democrats care about what their base wants and democracy? They don’t. It’s about the party and at this point the party seems to be run by idiots.

Enjoy the failure. It’s Joe Lieberman II, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper