The Final Asshole Fuckface Roundup
We had a good run, my little monkeys. This is the final Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Your life is officially empty. Of course, you can always head over to StopAllMonsters and enjoy more AFR, as I will be posting them there. For now, enjoy the final collection of Asshole Fuckfaces. They are nothing special, just your ordinary horrible people.
First up, some fireman Asshole Fuckfacery.
Charles Alexander Diez is not the best firefighter in North Carolina. This week, Chuck took it upon himself to stop people from riding bicycles in dangerous places with their children on the back.
A driver, now identified as an Asheville firefighter, shot a bicycle rider because he was angry the man was riding with his child on a busy road.
Well, that'll keep the kid from getting hurt. Sometimes lessons have to be taught hard and with a bullet. Buddha said that.
Diez spotted the crazy bike rider in a high traffic area. His three-year-old son was in a childs seat on the back. Thankfully, Diez had his weapon, so he could stop the guy from hurting the kid. Thats what guns are for.
First they argued, and then appropriate action was taken.
Diez pulled a gun and opened fire, hitting the victim in his bicycle helmet, according to police.
The helmet saved the guys life. And now the kid knows firemen will kill you if you fuck with them. Win win.
Next up, some banking Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember when the Republicans fought tooth and nail to make sure bonuses could be paid to bank employees if those banks received TARP funds? Well, it all worked out.
Bonuses paid to executives at nine banks that received U.S. government bailout money in 2008 were greater than net income at some of the banks.
Oh, thank God. For a while, I thought this wouldnt have a happy ending.
Representatives of the banks either declined comment on the report or could not comment immediately.
Wait for them to get the hookers out of their mouths.
Goldman earned $2.3 billion, paid out $4.8 billion in bonuses and received $10 billion in TARP funding.
Youre totally welcome.
Morgan Stanley earned $1.7 billion, paid $4.475 billion in bonuses and received $10 billion in TARP funding.
Glad we could help.
JP Morgan Chase earned $5.6 billion, paid $8.69 billion in bonuses and received $25 billion in TARP funding.
Completely understandable, except to party bummer Andrew Cuomo.
Thus, when the banks did well, their employees were paid well. When the banks did poorly, their employees were paid well. And when the banks did very poorly, they were bailed out by taxpayers and their employees were still paid well.
Shut the fuck up. Why do you hate America, Cuomo? Fucking hippy. You try running a bank and not losing billions of dollars AND your awesome employees.
Again, thanks to the Republicans for fighting restrictions on bonuses. It worked out great.
Next up, some witch doctor Asshole Fuckfacery.
Spells are obviously getting super hard for witch doctors, with the economy being in the tank and all. Some witch doctors have come up with bold new rituals, like Mewalal Chauhan of Lakhimpur Kheri, India.
Villager Ram Niwas came to the witch doctor because he needed male heirs. He had produced sons, but none lived past infancy. The witch doctor had the perfect solution.
A human sacrifice was necessary to get rid of these problems.
Duh. How else do you make boys? Now, should we use a big, burly trucker, or
The witchdoctor, his male assistant and Niwas lured the little girl into a field where Chauhan cut off her head after prayers and rituals, the police officer said.
Right, a little, tiny girl who cant fight back will do. Good luck making a male heir in prison, Ram.
Finally, just straight up Asshole Fuckfacery.
For my final Asshole Fuckface of all time, Id like to go to the state of Ohio. Where else? Alan Patton is a 54-year-old man who lives in Columbus. Hes not the best fella in the world. In 1994, Mr. Patton served four years in prison after raping an 8-year-old boy. Now he has a new hobby.
Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom. "He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine," Detective Ron Fithen said.
Well, we all have different things we like. When I was a kid, I enjoyed lemon with chocolate chip ice cream. Other people enjoy the taste of boy urine.
Police said Patton told them it makes him sick, but that it's almost spiritual to him.
We each have our own faith. Some just have a different way of expressing it. Patton is man enough to fight through the sickening taste of urine for his faith.
He allegedly added, "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth."
AHHHHHHHH. Fuck! God dam it! I hate everything now!
I cant think of a more fitting way to end the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I had a good time here on SG. Most of you are good peeps, while a few of you are complete assholes.
Cheers!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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TheFuckOffKid
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