Asshole Fuckface Roundup #107

We’re down to the second to last Asshole Fuckface Roundup of all time. I’ve been called up to the big leagues. Asshole Fuckfaces will no longer be my business. This makes today the 7th worst day in world history. Tomorrow will be the 6th and you can probably see a pattern developing. So, hold on to your assholes, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Ohio Asshole Fuckfacing.

Meet Ohio State Representative John Adams. He believes women’s bodies belong to men, like property. Women should obviously have no say in what they want in their pathetic lives.

An Ohio lawmaker has introduced a bill that would prevent a woman from having an abortion unless she gets written consent from the biological father.

Can’t see any problem with that. It’s just a well thought out policy.

"What does the father have to say in the abortion of his child? He has nothing to say (under current law)," Adams told 10TV News.

That’s because it’s not growing in his torso and coming out of his vagina.

In the case where the father isn't known, House Bill 252 would compel the woman to provide a list of names of people who may be the father in an effort to determine paternity. The bill also would make it a crime for women to lie about who the father is, and make it illegal for doctors to perform abortions without the father's consent.

A worthy use of government. Also, if the father is located, the woman will be branded with his name on her forehead. Oh, and I loved the book, The Handmaid's Tale. Thanks for the reminder.

The bill would force a woman to have a child if the father does not agree to an abortion.

Or to move out of Ohio. Dear John Adams, you are sub-human.

Next up, more racist Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

As I wrote the day Obama was elected, racist Republican nonsense will continue to spew forth every day Obama is in office. Republicans, or, as they are often called, “rich, white people,” believe their racist jokes are something everyone does. They believe it’s just our common language and they will continue sending offensive jokes and twitters until he leaves office. It’s who they are. They don't know any better.

First, we’ll start with Atwater, California City Council member Gary Frago. Gary’s big on sending out hilarious emails about President Obama and his wife.

“Breaking News Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 million to pose nude in the January issue. Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic.”

She’s black, by the way. I mean, if you missed the hilarity, National Geographic is known for publishing photos of bare-chested African women, or, at least they did in the ‘50s.

Some emails compared Obama to O.J. Simpson while others suggested that “nigger rigs” should now be called “presidential solutions.”

Obviously, Gary has a big future in politics, but he’s not the worst racist emailer of the week. No, that honor goes to Dr. David McKalip. Dr. David is the founder of the right-wing, anti-health reform group Doctors For Patient Freedom. He’s one of the doctors the GOP is taking out for talks to explain to Americans why health care reform is bad.

"Congress wants to create larger, government-funded programs for health care and more bureaucracy that ration care and impose cookbook medicine."

Good stuff. He also sent out this image of Obama as a witch doctor this week.

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McKalip said he believes that by depicting the president as an African witch doctor, the artist who created the image "was expressing concerns that the health-care proposals [made by President Obama] would make the quality of medical care worse in our country." McKalip said he didn't know who created it.

Hell yeah. It’s impossible to make that point without putting a bone in the president’s nose. Impossible.

Next up, more Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

The Republicans have whipped up their talking points to stop health care reform. Here's the highlight:

Democrats are proposing a government controlled health insurance system, which will control care, treatments, medicines and even what doctors a patient may see.

So, health insurance that will control care, treatments, medicines and even what doctors a patient may see? Um, that’s exactly what we have now. So, good point? Oh, and there's more.

President Obama's health care experiment is too much, too fast, too soon. Our country cannot afford to fix health care through a rushed experiment.

It’s a good thing we haven’t had, like, 60 years to think about it. In actuality, it needs to be a rush job. Why? Because 5 million Americans have lost their insurance since September. Because 16% of Americans over the age of 18 have no health insurance. That’s actually something you should deal with fast, not slow. Oh, and 70% of Americans want a public plan.

The only reason Republicans want to “slow it down” is because they want more time to come up with lies to spread across the airwaves to defeat health care reform. And they have no plan. No plan.

Finally, some pot Asshole Fuckfacery.

With all that is going on in our country, it amazing we continue our war on drugs, specifically marijuana. Currently, law enforcement officials are conducting “Operation SOS — or, “Save Our Sierra.” They are saving it from pot.

“More than 314,000 plants were uprooted in 70 gardens — numbers expected to rise as the enforcement action continues,” the paper reported. “Agents also seized $41,000 in cash, 26 firearms and three vehicles.”

Sweet. Obama’s drug policy is the same old, stupid, moronic drug policy we have been living under for years, with the same old idiots in charge. Take Obama’s new idiot drug czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who had some awesome things to say about pot.

"Legalization is not in the president's vocabulary, and it's not in mine," he said.

"Marijuana is dangerous and has no medicinal benefit," Kerlikowske said.

No, can’t think of a thing.

Keep on keepin’ on. It’s a tremendous success and a great use of our money. By the way, government, if pot was legal pot farmers wouldn't be screwing up the environment up in the mountains. Just a tip.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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