Asshole Fuckface Roundup #106

Happy Asshole Fuckface Friday. It’s time to make yourself feel better by taking a look at human filth. That’s what the baby Jesus said to do. “If you want to feel better, look at people who suck.” It’s in The Bible somewhere. Chapter 8, I think. So, let’s get our favorite plastic suit on, because this is going to be nasty.

First up, some soldier Asshole Fuckfacery.

Apparently, if you are a really stupid soldier, you can refuse to deploy because of myths. Meet US Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook. Today he is the dumbest Asshole Fuckface on the face of the Earth.

Cook’s lawyer, Orly Taitz, who has also challenged the legitimacy of Obama’s presidency in other courts, filed a request last week in federal court seeking a temporary restraining order and status as a conscientious objector for her client.

In the 20-page document — filed July 8 with the U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Georgia — the California-based Taitz asks the court to consider granting his client’s request based upon Cook’s belief that Obama is not a natural-born citizen of the United States and is therefore ineligible to serve as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Armed Forces.

It’s a good point. Also, you shouldn’t have to serve if Obama is hobbit. Or a changeling. There really is no need to go into the Birther argument. If you believe Obama was not born in Hawaii because he was some secret baby spy sent by Muslims to be the first black president, then you aren’t worthy of a response. You’re clinically insane.

Oh, but this story doesn’t end there. Turns out Cook volunteered to go to Afghanistan, so he didn't have to sue. He could just ask to stay in the US and the Army would say, "okay."

Because he's a reserve soldier who volunteered for an active duty tour he can "ask for a revocation of orders up until the day he is scheduled to report for active duty," a public affairs officer explained. Cook volunteered for the tour in May of this year. It is not clear why he did so, considering his current objections.

Does the story end there? Oh, good God no. Turns out Cook worked for a private Department of Defense contactor named Simtech Inc. I say ‘worked’ because he was fired after he filed the lawsuit against the president. Yeah, it’s kind of dumb to file a frivolous lawsuit against the people you work for. See ya!

The Freepers are going batshit crazy over this one, by the way. Cook is the new Paula Jones.

Next up, an old favorite Asshole Fuckface returns.

Pat Buchanan has an interesting take on the whole “Sarah Palin quit and people are talking about it” thing. Palin's ex-son-in-law Levi Johnston’s has been yacking to the media, and Buchanan, in turn, in mouthing off about Levi.



“Well, first, with regard to Levi, I think First Dude up there in Alaska, Todd Palin, ought to take Levi down to the creek and hold his head underwater until the thrashing stops.”

Oh. Um. You do know you just said one person should murder another person on live television, right? Simply because he’s being critical? He’s a 19-year-old. You know, a young kid who was dragged into the national spotlight by Sarah Palin and now has some personal issues with Sarah and her family. But, yeah, he should be killed for saying things.

Nice work. You should be allowed to speak your horrible, racist mind as much as you want.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface law.

You know what’s better than having parents who are horrible? Having to pay their bills.

This one's going to blow baby boomers' minds. It concerns a little-known law dating to Elizabethan England suddenly being enforced with gusto in Pennsylvania. The law can force adult children to pay their parents' health-care costs.

Can't I just kill them instead?

It happened to Don Grant. It can happen to you.

The Havertown man is nearly 50 and struggling to pay his mortgage and $100,000 in student loans incurred by his daughter, a recent Albright College grad.

Last year, Grant was sued because his mother, Diana Fichera, did not pay an $8,000 bill at a Delaware County nursing home, where she rehabilitated after surgery.

Grant went to court with his half-sister, who was also sued. He told the nursing-home attorney that he's estranged from his mother and that Fichera has income from Social Security plus two pensions.

The nursing-home lawyer told Grant that all would be resolved if Fichera paid up. When she again refused, the judgment was entered against the whole family.

Seems totally reasonable. Hey, why not sue the fucking neighbors! And the family dog, as well? Why is it being let off the hook?

Blue Bell lawyer Brian Scott Dietrich represents Brinton Manor, but did not return phone calls for comment. Pennsylvania State University law professor Katherine Pearson knew why as soon as I mentioned his name.

"There are three or four major lawyers in Pennsylvania who specialize in representing nursing homes and hospitals, and one of their favorite tools is Pennsylvania's filial statute. Dietrich is one of them," says Pearson, an expert on the arcane issue, also known as "support of indigents."

"These attorneys will bring suit against adult children even if the children live out of state and even if it's been years since they had contact with their parent."

Good work, America!

And finally, some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week, the Congressional Budget Office released an estimate for the House’s health care bill: One trillion dollars over 10 years. That’s about the same as an Iraq War, if you’re looking for comparisons.

Of course, the AP reported it quickly.

House Democratic leaders, pledging to meet the president's goal of health care legislation before their August break, are offering a $1.5 trillion plan that for the first time would make health care a right and a responsibility for all Americans. Left to pick up most of the tab were medical providers, employers and the wealthy.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did we accidentally use a different, 33% larger number? Well, we are the AP and we’re basically Fox News at this point, so we went with that one. Oh, but we have a reason.

A House Democratic aide said the total bill would add up to about $1.5 trillion over 10 years. The aide spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the private calculations.

OH, a house AIDE. That's what you're using to override the CBO? Right, good "reporting." Let’s fuck up one of the most important debates our country has ever had with lies. I mean, they did it with the Iraq War, so why not healthcare as well? The AP is still running with the number, which is totally unverified. And the number is starting to spread, like a virus.

It’s a lie, propagated by Ron Fournier, the AP Washington bureau chief, who is a right-wing nutjob. Basically, the AP is a shill for the right wing, a shell of its former self, an embarrassment to journalism and helping to ruin America.

The AP can no longer be trusted as a news source. Be sure to spread the word.

Image courtesy of Pixelmarx.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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