Happy Asshole Fuckface Friday. It’s time to make yourself feel better by taking a look at human filth. That’s what the baby Jesus said to do. “If you want to feel better, look at people who suck.” It’s in The Bible somewhere. Chapter 8, I think. So, let’s get our favorite plastic suit on, because this is going to be nasty.

First up, some soldier Asshole Fuckfacery.

Apparently, if you are a really stupid soldier, you can refuse to deploy because of myths. Meet US Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook. Today he is the dumbest Asshole Fuckface on the face of the Earth.

It’s a good point. Also, you shouldn’t have to serve if Obama is hobbit. Or a changeling. There really is no need to go into the Birther argument. If you believe Obama was not born in Hawaii because he was some secret baby spy sent by Muslims to be the first black president, then you aren’t worthy of a response. You’re clinically insane.

Oh, but this story doesn’t end there. Turns out Cook volunteered to go to Afghanistan, so he didn't have to sue. He could just ask to stay in the US and the Army would say, "okay."

Does the story end there? Oh, good God no. Turns out Cook worked for a private Department of Defense contactor named Simtech Inc. I say ‘worked’ because he was fired after he filed the lawsuit against the president. Yeah, it’s kind of dumb to file a frivolous lawsuit against the people you work for. See ya!

The Freepers are going batshit crazy over this one, by the way. Cook is the new Paula Jones.

Next up, an old favorite Asshole Fuckface returns.

Pat Buchanan has an interesting take on the whole “Sarah Palin quit and people are talking about it” thing. Palin's ex-son-in-law Levi Johnston’s has been yacking to the media, and Buchanan, in turn, in mouthing off about Levi.

Oh. Um. You do know you just said one person should murder another person on live television, right? Simply because he’s being critical? He’s a 19-year-old. You know, a young kid who was dragged into the national spotlight by Sarah Palin and now has some personal issues with Sarah and her family. But, yeah, he should be killed for saying things.

Nice work. You should be allowed to speak your horrible, racist mind as much as you want.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface law.

You know what’s better than having parents who are horrible? Having to pay their bills.

Can't I just kill them instead?

Seems totally reasonable. Hey, why not sue the fucking neighbors! And the family dog, as well? Why is it being let off the hook?

Good work, America!

And finally, some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week, the Congressional Budget Office released an estimate for the House’s health care bill: One trillion dollars over 10 years. That’s about the same as an Iraq War, if you’re looking for comparisons.

Of course, the AP reported it quickly.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did we accidentally use a different, 33% larger number? Well, we are the AP and we’re basically Fox News at this point, so we went with that one. Oh, but we have a reason.

OH, a house AIDE. That's what you're using to override the CBO? Right, good "reporting." Let’s fuck up one of the most important debates our country has ever had with lies. I mean, they did it with the Iraq War, so why not healthcare as well? The AP is still running with the number, which is totally unverified. And the number is starting to spread, like a virus.

It’s a lie, propagated by Ron Fournier, the AP Washington bureau chief, who is a right-wing nutjob. Basically, the AP is a shill for the right wing, a shell of its former self, an embarrassment to journalism and helping to ruin America.

The AP can no longer be trusted as a news source. Be sure to spread the word.

Image courtesy of Pixelmarx.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.