Asshole Fuckface Roundup #105
Summertime is here, which means the Asshole Fuckfacery is turned up a notch. The summer heat is known to bring out the worst in Asshole Fuckfaces because they are better equipped to live under rocks and in damp caves. This week they came out in full force. Sadly, while the rest of you were dunking in pools and shoving cool watermelons into your faces, I was scouring the news looking for the worst of the worst. And I found them. My God, did I find them. So, put on your goulashes because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some summertime racist Asshole Fuckfacery.
(It is recommended you play Will Smith's song "Summertime" while reading this section).
City kids from the Creative Steps Day Camp were looking forward to their weekly swimming trip. The camp paid a private club $1900 to use the pool once a week. Sadly, they didnt know the Valley Swim Club was full of horrible racists until they arrived.
"When the minority children got in the pool all of the Caucasian children immediately exited the pool," Horace Gibson, parent of a day camp child, wrote in an email.
Black swim!
"The pool attendants came and told the black children that they did not allow minorities in the club and needed the children to leave immediately."
We forgot to tell you the Valley Swim Club is in a wormhole. Totally our bad. But, super, nice racists run the club because the next day they returned the Camps money. Yay! Oh, and the president explained his decision.
"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion and the atmosphere of the club," John Duesler, President of The Valley Swim Club said in a statement.
You just made the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame, Johnny!
Brian Kilmeade is one of the Asshole Fuckfaces who sits on the Fox and Friends couch and blathers. This week, while discussing a new Swedish and Finnish study that showed people who stay married are less likely to suffer from Alzheimer's, Brian sunk to exciting new depths.
Totally. First of all, I married a possum. People in Sweden do not marry outside of their species, so I might have a different result because of my possum situation. Honestly, I barely remember her name.
We also keep marrying other ethnics, which is illegal in Finland. And the Swedes are super pure. Oh, so very pure. We are more like dirt people, fucking in mud and ruining studies.
Anyway, super good point, Morning Hitler.
Next up, some Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.
Oh, crazy GOP Christians, why so bitter? This week, angry Asshole Fuckface and Iowa Representative Steve King decided to take a stand against the truth.
This week, Congress voted on a resolution that acknowledged the role slaves played in building the US Capitol Building. The resolution called for a plaque to be placed on the building with the following words:
Whereas enslaved African-Americans performed the backbreaking work of quarrying the stone which comprised many of the floors, walls, and columns of the Capitol
Whereas recognition of the contributions of enslaved African-Americans brings to all Americans an understanding of the continuing evolution of our representative democracy; and
Whereas a marker dedicated to the enslaved African-Americans who helped to build the Capitol will reflect the charge of the Capitol Visitor Center to teach visitors about Congress and its development
Stevie no likey! Why? Because them liberals hate the baby Jesus!
"Last night I opposed yet another bill to erect another monument to slavery because it was used as a bargaining chip to allow for the actual depiction of 'In God We Trust' in the CVC. The Architect of the Capitol and liberal activists opposed every reference to America's Christian heritage, even to the extent of scrubbing 'In God We Trust' from the depiction of the actual Speaker's chair in the U.S. House of Representatives.
"This is just the latest example of a several year effort by liberals in Congress to scrub references to America's Christian heritage from our nation's Capitol. Liberals want to amend our country's history to eradicate the role of Christianity in America and chisel references to God or faith from our historical buildings.
Look, uh, how's about yous vote for my Christian bill and I's vote for yous slavery bill? Huh? Capiche?
The final vote? 399-1. Take that, you God hating, slavery hating jerks. King wins!
Finally, poor mothering Asshole Fuckfacery.
Margery Tannenbaum is a social worker on Long Island. She also tries to pimp out 9-year-old neighborhood girls. Not because she wants money, but because her daughter got into an argument with another 9-year-old. That means someones got to be sexually harassed by grown men.
Yes, the Asshole Fuckface took out an ad on Craigslist to get back at the 9-year-old who got into a disagreement with her daughter.
Looking for a good time?-w4m 21″
I need a little affection. I am blonde and very cute! Ill be waiting.
Ha ha. Oh, also, Im NINE. When dudes responded to this exciting offer, Margery emailed back the kids home phone number.
According to Suffolk County authorities, the mother of the girl intercepted calls before her daughter answered. She said she received 22 calls in one day, in all around 40 calls from various men who saw the ad, including some seeking an escort service.
Thatll show you. Nobody is mean to my daughter, or you will have grown men wanting to fuck you.
When asked about the case, Tannenbaum's attorney, Tad Scharfenberg, said, "I think this has been blown out of proportion to what the actual alleged act was."
No, actually, it hasnt. Did I mention the girl was 9?
He described Tannenbaum as "a well-loved woman by both family and friends," and said she was a classroom mom at her daughter's school.
I feel like that should wrap up.
She's never been in any trouble for anything before. She's just really upset by the whole thing. Her biggest concern has always been that this not materially affect the victim or her child. She wants to make sure the way it's being handled doesn't make that worse.
Thanks for caring!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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