Asshole Fuckface Roundup #103
Welcome to National Asshole Fuckface Day. It happens every Friday, because its the best holiday of all time. To prepare for Asshole Fuckface Friday, I scour the news looking for the worst humans alive. When I find them, I drag them into the light for people to mock and laugh at. I am like Gandhi. This week I discovered an especially heinous group, as usual, so put on your muck boots because this is going to be ugly.
First up, an Asshole Fuckface hall of famer.
Michele Bachmann opened her horrible pie hole again and idiocy rolled out, as expected. Apparently, Michele is super concerned about the census, like any right wing extremist would be. First, she declared she wouldnt be filling out her census, which is an awesome stance to take for a lawmaker.
During an interview this morning on Fox News, Bachmann mostly focused on the danger of her personal information falling into the hands of the dreaded menace ACORN.
Could you imagine what would happen is a group of community organizers, who help the poor, found information on a rich, white lady? Holy shit, it would be like Michael Myers getting a hold of your address. But Michele wasnt done.
"Take this into consideration. If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the Census Bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and that's how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps. I'm not saying that that's what the Administration is planning to do, but I am saying that private personal information that was given to the Census Bureau in the 1940s was used against Americans to round them up, in a violation of their constitutional rights, and put the Japanese in internment camps."
Totally. Also, youre a rich, white Christian. It's very respectable for a lawmaker to encourage Americans to break the law.
Next up, some potato chip Asshole Fuckfacery.
Its not often people on both ends of a situation are equal Asshole Fuckfaces, but thats what happened this week in Oklahoma. If you are not familiar with Oklahoma, it is like Americas dead appendage.
This week we learned that a man in Oklahoma was having problems with his marriage, so he decided to go to a prostitute. Okay, whatever. Happens all the time. No big deal. But he didnt have any money. He did, however, work for Frito Lay.
Smith told police the man told her he was looking for company but he didnt have any money, so she agreed to be paid with a $30 case of Frito-Lay chips he had in the back of his car.
Yep. He was lucky enough to bump into prostitute Lahoma Sue Smith, who apparently has lowered the value of her vagina to a box of thin, fried potato pieces. Just think what she would do for a box of Skittles.
Next up, some drone Asshole Fuckfacery.
Last week, US drones attacked a Taliban training center in Pakistan where bad guys were supposed to be. Terrorists, stuff like that. People who want to kill people. So, we took them out. In all, 13 died. Thats a good day for drones, right?
A couple of days later, there was a large funeral for the 13 people who died. Thankfully, our drones were there to stop the mourning.
Missiles fired from a U.S. drone at militants after a funeral for a Taliban commander in South Waziristan near the Afghan border killed about 70 insurgents on Tuesday, Pakistani intelligence officials said.
Thatll show you, terrorists. The only way to kill terrorists it to kill everyone around them and kids and stuff.
The chief of the Pakistani Taliban, Baitullah Mahsud, and close associates attended the funeral of a militant commander in the country's tribal areas but left before a suspected U.S. drone attack that killed dozens of people, residents said Wednesday.
Win!
Finally, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.
You can always count on the Democrats to completely fuck shit up. This time they are doing what they can to undermine Obama and blow this opportunity for universal health insurance. Why? Why would the do such a thing when 72% of Americans support Obamas plan? Because they are Democrats. Oh, and they are whores.
The kids over at FiveThirtyEight broke down the numbers and it turns out Democratic Senators positions on health care are greatly effected when they get money from health insurers. Who would have thought?
Lobbying contributions appear to have the largest marginal impact on middle-of-the-road Democrats.
The impact on mainline Democrats appears to be quite large: if a mainline Democrat has received $60,000 from insurance PACs over the past six years, his likelihood of supporting the public option is cut roughly in half from 80 percent to 40 percent.
Sweet. Because when your base wants you to create a public option and your president wants you to create a public option, you should always do what the guys who give you cash want.
Ranking next on the list is Harry Reid, who has taken some $78,800 from insurance industry PACs and who has also yet to articulate a position on the public option in spite of his status as Majority Leader.
Its called leading, people. Reid is a leader.
But the worst of all is Max Baucus. Max is the Senator in charge of the committee coming up with the plan. Hes also the guy in the Senate who has taken the most money from insurers.
As Sen. Max Baucus has taken the lead on health-reform legislation in the U.S. Senate, he's also become a leader in something else: Campaign money received from health-and insurance-industry interests.
In the past six years, nearly one-fourth of every dime raised by Baucus, D-Mont., and his political-action committee has come from groups and individuals associated with drug companies, insurers, hospitals, medical-supply firms, health-service companies and other health professionals.
These donations total about $3.4 million, or $1,500 a day, every day, from January 2003 through 2008.
And its paying off. Max gave the Senate Finance Committee's draft bill to the Congressional Budget Office so they could crunch the numbers on how much it would cost. The CBO came up with a huge number.
The price tag came in at $1.6 trillion over ten years.
Wow. But thats what happens when you give the CBO your draft when IT DOESNT INCLUDE THE PUBIC OPTION. He gave them the bill without the part that reduces cost. Quite simply, this was Max Baucus attempt to turn the public against the health care bill. Hes a Democrat. Hes in charge of the committee working on health care reform and he just tried to kill health care reform because hes a whore.
Go Democrats!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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