Asshole Fuckface Roundup #102

Holy shit there were a lot of Asshole Fuckfaces this week. I almost couldn’t fit all the nominees into my man purse. But, I did. Then I whittled them down to a manageable number and sorted them by color. After that, I lathered them in butter and dried them in the sun. Once dry, I threw them on the roof and the first four that slid back down became this week’s picks. It’s called science and it works very well, so put on your favorite leather lab coat because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some border protecting Asshole Fuckfacery.

This one is epic Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame material.

Meet Shawna Forde. She’s from Washington State, used to be the executive director of Minutemen American Defense and was named Bush's "operations director" for the Minutemen’s actions along the border. She even hosted an anti-immigrant “Summit” which was attended by Tom Tancredo, Duncan Hunter and Fred Thompson. Obviously, being a leader of the Minuteman, Shawna is a complete lunatic.

In a May 20 "border report" posted on the Web site of her Minutemen American Defense group, Forde warned readers that soon "you will walk out your door and think you were just transplanted into Mexico."

But that’s just talk. Now we have proof of her lunacy because she entered the home of some brown people and killed them.

Pima County, Ariz., detectives on Friday described Forde leading a plot to finance her Minutemen activities by robbing suspected drug traffickers. She and two others are charged with a fatal May 30 home invasion at a suspected drug trafficker's home in Arivaca, Ariz.

Raul Flores, 29, and his daughter, Brisenia, 9, were killed when a group of armed people, including a woman, forced their way into the home. The child's mother traded gunfire with the attackers. She survived but remains hospitalized with gunshot wounds.

Thanks for protecting us from that 9-year-old girl, Shawna.

The Arivaca robbery was meant to raise money to fuel Forde's group, investigators said.

Right. If you can’t raise money to protect America from donations, go rob and kill a drug dealer and his child.

The killers walked up cold-bloodedly to her daughter, 9-year-old Brisenia Flores, as she cowered and cried, and shot her two or three times anyway.

Well, she was Mexican or the daughter of a bad person or something, so she deserved to die. Please put Shawna and her Asshole Fuckface friend in prison with the Mexican Mafia. Thanks.

Next up, some GOP racist Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s pretty difficult to go an entire week without stumbling across some delightful Republican racism. See, back in the old days they sent hilarious racist emails to each other and laughed and laughed and laughed. But now they have a huge problem: The president is black. So, when they try to take their fantastic racist jokes and apply them to the president, it brings them a whole bunch of attention. Bummer.

First up, South Carolina GOP official Sherri Goforth posted a hilarious picture up on Facebook. It’s of all the presidents. The last one is a bit weird, though.

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Ha ha ha! He’s black! I get it! You can only see black people’s eyes. Because they’re black! Get it! Weeeeee.

When I asked her if she understood the controversial nature of the photo, Goforth would only say she felt very bad about accidentally sending it to the wrong list. When I gave her a second chance to address the controversial nature of the email, she again repeated that she only felt bad about sending it to the wrong list of people.

Fucking wrong list. Clearly that was the problem.

Second is South Carolina GOP operative Mike Green. (Good week, South Carolina!) Mike has discovered Twittering, which means he can spread his hilarious racist jokes further.

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Ah ha ha ha ha. Get it? Obama is black, so he’s against everything white and good. I love it! But, Mike realized he had made an error.

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Totally. Your error being you made your racist comment in public, believing everyone thinks the way you do because all your friends are racist.

Next up, some presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Barack Obama took a deep dive into Lake Asshole Fuckface this week with some heinous bullshit. First, Barack and his hoard attacked gay Americans in a way religious zealots would be proud of.

The Obama administration, which came to office promising to protect gay rights but so far has not done much, actually struck a blow for the other side last week. It submitted a disturbing brief in support of the Defense of Marriage Act, which is the law that protects the right of states to not recognize same-sex marriages and denies same-sex married couples federal benefits.

Sweet. Nothing like shitting on people who supported you.

In arguing that other states do not have to recognize same-sex marriages under the Constitution’s “full faith and credit” clause, the Justice Department cites decades-old cases ruling that states do not have to recognize marriages between cousins or an uncle and a niece.

Oh, good, you compared gay marriage to incest. Nice work, Obama peeps. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was probably not a good idea to have a Mormon, who was hired by Bush, to write the brief, especially considering it was not even necessary. But, hey, it’s working out well, because the gay community is furious and bailing in droves. (Pssst, you're supposed to be on their side)

Good work, all around.

Next up, more presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obama is having one hell of a week. First his crew spit in the face of gays and then he went and pulled a big, fat Bush.

The Obama administration is fighting to block access to names of visitors to the White House, taking up the Bush administration argument that a president doesn't have to reveal who comes calling to influence policy decisions.

Now, that is the transparency we were looking for.

Despite President Barack Obama's pledge to introduce a new era of transparency to Washington, and despite two rulings by a federal judge that the records are public, the Secret Service has denied msnbc.com's request for the names of all White House visitors from Jan. 20 to the present.

Yes, let’s ignore the TWO RULINGS by the courts and go on about our merry way because we didn’t have enough presidents ignoring the law over the past eight years. But, hey, he did warn us he was into this kind of stuff.

When big oil companies are invited into the White House for secret energy meetings, it’s no wonder they end up with billions in tax breaks.

Hell yeah!

That is why on my very first day as President, I will launch the most sweeping ethics reform in history to make the White House the people's house and send the Washington lobbyists back to K Street.

You tell 'em!

This change will not be easy. It will require reforming our politics by taking power away from the lobbyists who kill good ideas and good plans with secret meetings and campaign checks.

Whatever it takes to win, eh, liar?

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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