Asshole Fuckface Roundup #101

There are some very horrible people in the world. Luckily for us, they tend to shoot their mouths off or pick up severed feet off the road to train their dogs. That means they draw attention to themselves, which means I have something to write about on Thursday. Oh, sweet Jesus did they do a job this week. Serious Asshole Fuckfacery about to commence. Put on your favorite plastic burka because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some conservative Asshole Fuckfacery.

Conservatives have finally come to the conclusion that we have to kill all things American that do not adhere to their belief system. This week, they began to call for a boycott of General Motors, because the Treasury Department is going to own 60% of company stock after the company emerges from bankruptcy. Obviously, that means the company should be destroyed and all the workers that go along with it. Because loving America means ruining American lives for ideology.

Hugh Hewitt explains.

“In the two days since the nationalization of GM was announced, the callers and e-mailers to my program have been 10 to 1 against the Obamaization of the American car business,” contended a June 3rd posting, by Hewitt, who added that, “This is a decision that must be reversed. GM must be denationalized.”

Yes. The company should remain private and just die. That would be more American.

A fat, deaf, drug addict, three-time divorced, multi-millionaire, voice of the common man also chimed in.

"Of course, the government-controlled media is not gonna report anything like this but there are a lot of people who are not going to buy from Chrysler or General Motors as long as it is perceived Barack Obama is running it, because people do not want his policy to work here because this is antithetical to the American economic way of life."

Indeed. Why, I remember just last year when Limbaugh and company called for boycotts against Bear Sterns, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, AIG and Citibank. Oh, wait, those companies don’t have unions, so they said nothing about boycotting them.

A conservative boycott would be, sadly, consistent with their current economic ideas. Basically, they would be boycotting something they own, hoping to drive it out of business, so companies they don’t own would flourish. This way, their money would go overseas and they would lose about $50 billion in taxpayer money. It’s quite an intelligent stance to take.

Kudos, conservative idiots, you have hit a new low.

Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Turns out Republican Asshole Fuckfacery knows no bounds in its attempts to undermine America.

During these shaky economic times, our government is doing all it can to stabilize the situation. While the Obama administration may not always make the right move, it’s probably best not to undermine the president, you know, because we are all Americans and fucking him actually FUCKS US.

Illinois GOP Congressman Mark Kirk recently explained to our friends in China that the Obama administration is lying to them.

Kirk's assessment differed with that of Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, who said last week on a separate visit that Chinese leaders had expressed "justifiable confidence" on the future of the recession-hit US economy.

Uh, oh. Hey. Don’t….

He said he told the Chinese that the budget deficit could be even bigger than predicted, due in part to the rising costs to the US economy of health care.

"One of the messages I had -- because we need to build trust and confidence in our number one creditor -- is that the budget numbers that the US government has put forward should not be believed," Kirk said.

"Congress is actually going to spend quite a bit more," he said.

Oh, good. You went ahead and did it. You went right ahead an told the the Chinese that the US government was lying to them because “we need to build trust and confidence in our number one creditor.” Obviously, the best way to build trust is to tell them they are being lied to. You are American to the core, guy stepping in where he doesn’t belong.

Next up, some Special Olympics Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard trying to drive around town when there is a Special Olympics run in progress. It’s especially hard when you are an Asshole Fuckface named David Schwartz of Santa Clarita, California.

As the runners neared the intersection of McBean Parkway and Arroyo Park Drive, Schwartz yelled for the participants to get out of the road while using a derogatory term referencing sexual orientation.

So, he called kids running in the Special Olympics “faggots.” That’s not really special. But he wasn’t done yet. Schwartz then threw a bolt at the kids.

Schwartz narrowly missed two children and deputies who witnessed the event used their radios to notify other units.

Oh, shit. You didn’t notice the Sheriff’s deputies running alongside? Bummer. That's a shame. I would have preferred the hero who called kids with handicaps "faggots" and threw metal objects at them got away with it.

He was taken into custody and booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and committing a hate crime.

He needs a dickectomy.

Next up, some pimp ]Asshole Fuckfacery.

Pimping a teenage girl out can be kind of a bitch. Sometimes they want something for all the strangers they are fucking for money. It can be quite a problem. Thankfully, an Australian pimp devised the perfect payment plan.

Gander and his girlfriend used the money for living expenses and paid the girl nothing except for the occasional box of chicken nuggets.

Hey, it’s sort of meat. And she was sixteen. My understanding is teenagers love McDonalds. She's loving it!

Gander pleaded guilty on Monday to one count each of procuring prostitution with a circumstance of aggravation and knowingly participating in the provision of prostitution with a circumstance of aggravation.

Enjoy the prison food! And, please, someone turn his anus into a McNugget.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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