How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. You’d think after all the thrashings they’ve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they can’t. They have to do their evil deeds and shame all of mankind. Thank God I am here to drag them out of the darkness for you to mock. And this week there will be plenty of mocking because these creeps exhibit extra Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put on your favorite leather rug because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Canadian Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s worse than beating a seal to death with a club? How about advocating for the guys who beat seals to death with clubs? Canada’s Governor General, Michaelle Jean, knows how to show her solidarity with seal clubbers. The poor seal clubbers are upset because the European Union voted to ban seal products on the grounds that the “seal hunt is cruel.” I guess. I mean, if you think beating something to death with a blunt instrument is cruel, then it is. Hippy.

Sure. Did you want to bathe in the blood, too? Maybe put the seal eyes in your eye sockets and run around screaming?

Well, who can argue with someone that makes such a convincing point? I bet if you eat the seal anus, everyone in the world would reverse all seal product bans.

How about an official, “What the fuck?” I think it’s in order.

Yeah. “Great stuff.” She’s really helping your cause. Too bad Jeffrey Dahlmer is dead or you could sign him up, too.

Next up, some phone company Asshole Fuckfacery.

A 62-year-old man from Carrollton, Ohio flipped out this week. The local Sheriff received a call because he was “destroying the house and breaking windows and other items.” Dude then grabbed a bunch of pills and ran off. Law enforcement officials were very worried about the man’s life, so they began a search.

Police officers also decided to call his cell phone provider in an attempt to use his cell phone signal to locate him. Unfortunately, the Verizon operator was an Asshole Fuckface.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Guy might be dead. Right. That’s kind of a bummer, but I’ve got shit going on on my end, too. Like a bill. A huge bill.

Twenty dollars, yo. You think Verizon can take that kind of a hit? The economy is no bueno, amigo. Fortunately, when paramedics got there, the man was “unconscious and unresponsive.” Yay, Verizon! You guys should put that in an ad.

We will leave you dying in a field over $20. It’s a huge network!

That’s some kick ass PR right there.

Next up, some culinary Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you were planning on having dinner at Ming's BBQ on Buford Highway in Doraville, Georgia, feel free to cancel your reservations. Earlier this year, police discovered some awesome stuff in back of the restaurant. They took pics!

Mmmm. I love pigs stacked in buckets outside. It's yummy and that's exactly how they describe it on the menu.

Um. Shouldn’t you hide the cat skin after you killed it and cooked it for customers? Just tossing it out back seems kinda stupid. I always put my cat skins in the sewer.

Of course, health inspectors acted swiftly.

Thank you for not closing the cat killing, pigs in buckets out back, raw meat kickin’ it in the backyard restaurant.

Oh, and one time they served cat.

Finally, some governator Asshole Fuckfacery.

Asshole Fuckface Arnold will be leaving his post as California Governor soon. In his wake, he will leave a state destroyed by anti-tax Republican retardation. Now, I can’t believe a washed up action star couldn’t turn the state around. I mean, who would have thought a man who acts like a tough guy in movies, who came to fame by making big muscles, couldn’t handle the complexity of governing a massive state like California?

Arnold’s first step was to follow the Republican mantra. His first day in office he cut the Vehicle License Fee, which eliminated $6.5 billion per year from the state coffers. Over his time in office, that one move has led to a $35 billion dollar increase in state debt. He also convinced voters to pay off the budget deficit in his first year with a $15 billion dollar bond – thereby pushing the debt and allowing us to pay interest on it.

Now he wants to lay off 5,000 state employees during a recession. Genius. He also wants to cut $5.4 billion from schools, because our schools rank amongst the worst in the country. Why? Oh, tax cuts gutted our schools in the late '70s and our kids have suffered ever since. Arnold also wants borrow $7.5 billion for local governments. You know, the local governments suffering through a recession and years of cuts because of the GOP’s anti-tax no matter what policy. Oh, and the governator also wants to lease more sites for off shore oil drilling to bring in $100 million. Problem is, the state doesn’t have an oil severance tax. Can you see Republicans agreeing to tax the oil companies? If you can, you’re an idiot. They enjoy the slash and burn policies of stupidity.

Oh, but it’s not just programs he was trying to expand, he also wants to cut funding that keeps people alive. His cuts will also affect 35,000 Californians who count on state funding to get their HIV/AIDS medications.

Shit, I’m sorry, but Republicans refuse to raise any taxes. Bummer you have to die because of it, but it’s a moral thing. It would be immoral to take money that is not yours, sicko.

Arnold will be gone in 18 months, leaving complete destruction. That’s the Republican way. Insane, deluded, idiotic, childish policies that lead to a disaster.

And as goes California, so goes the nation.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper