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  • FRIDAY MAY 22 2009 9:30 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #98

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. We do this shit here weekly. We have to. If we didn’t, the world’s Asshole Fuckfaces would be sauntering about without a care in the world. So, here we are, pointing out all the Rafa Benitez’s and Michele Bachmann’s of the world for you to mock and hate. This week has been so chalk full o’ Fuckfaces it was hard to pick four. But I did. And I now present them to you.

First up, some good old GOP Southern Asshole Fuckfacery.

Going into politics is sometimes hard because you are quickly forced to realize that most people don’t enjoy your racist or anti-Semitic language. Take Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren who, besides having the same first name as one of the girls on The Facts of Life, also was bitten by the stereotypical Southern idiot bug.

“At the meeting I was attempting to explain that unlike Sen. Schumer, I believe in traditional values, like we used to see on ‘The Andy Griffith Show.’ I made the mistake of referring to Sen. Schumer as ‘that Jew’ and I should not have put it that way as this took away from what I was trying to say.”



Totally. What he was trying to say is that even the evil Jew has moral standards. Or, no, wait; maybe he was just trying to remember his name.

A Republican state senator from Gravette, Hendren said he told the Pulaski County Republican Central Committee that he disagreed with remarks that Schumer recently made about traditional values and foreign policy. He said he couldn't remember Schumer's name and referred to him as being a Jew or Jewish.



RIght. Could either have been “Jew” or “Jewish.” Not really sure, but it was totally relevant to the discussion of traditional values and foreign policy.

Hendren said he isn't anti-Semitic, "never has been," and sometimes agrees with U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, who is Jewish.



I understand. Sometimes I call them “negroes,” but it’s not derogatory because I often agree with Charles Barkley.

Next up, some hall of fame Asshole Fuckfaces are worse than imagined.

Donny Rumsfeld is one of the all time great Asshole Fuckfaces. His epic Iraq War failure is one of the great military blunders of all time. Thankfully, his acts of horror continue to be revealed, so that we may continue to throw up in buckets. This week GQ published an article that is, simply astounding.

Let’s start with the cover sheets Rummy used for the intelligence updates he gave to Bush. Each cover sheet included a nice photo of American soldiers or Saddam Hussein and a wonderful biblical quote. That way, Bush would continue to think he was fighting a holy war.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” [The quote appears over an image of a tank at sunrise]

“Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” [The quote appears over an image of a soldier in Baghdad]

“It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.” [The quote appears over an image of Saddam Hussein]

“Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, The nation that keeps faith.” [The quote appears over an image of tanks entering an Iraqi city]



I’m surprise they didn’t do some Crusade re-enactments on the back lawn. Sadly, that little tidbit of horror was not the worst information revealed in the article. Rummy also helped to kill Americans with his response to Katrina.

The next day, three days after landfall, word of disorder in New Orleans had reached a fever pitch. According to sources familiar with the conversation, DHS secretary Michael Chertoff called Rumsfeld that morning and said, "You're going to need several thousand troops."

"Well, I disagree," said the SecDef. "And I'm going to tell the president we don't need any more than the National Guard."



Good call. Also, Shepard Smith is crying like a baby on Fox because of all the horror he's looking at.

Having only recently come to grips with the roiling disaster, Bush convened a meeting in the Situation Room on Friday morning. According to several who were present, the president was agitated. Turning to the man seated at his immediate left, Bush barked, "Rumsfeld, what the hell is going on there? Are you watching what's on television? Is that the United States of America or some Third World nation I'm watching? What the hell are you doing?"

Rumsfeld replied by trotting out the ongoing National Guard deployments and suggesting that sending active-duty troops would create "unity of command" issues.



Um. Maybe you haven’t noticed Mr. President, but a lot of those people are black. You know what I’m saying, right?

Rumsfeld held off on sending troops for 7 days. Anything happen over those seven days? Can anyone recall anything?

Next up, some awesome Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Sometimes, as a parent, you face a super hard choice between your beliefs and letting your young son live. Just ask Colleen Hauser of Minnesota. She believes in the natural healing methods of an American Indian religious group called the Nemenhah Band. Unfortunately, her 13-year-old son came down with Hodgkins lymphoma –- a curable form of cancer. By “curable” I mean with chemo and radiation, not this:

Colleen Hauser said she had been treating the boy's cancer instead with herbal supplements, vitamins, ionized water and other natural alternatives — a regimen based mostly on information she found on the Internet.



I don’t know how you could go wrong by treating cancer with info from the Internet. Hell, you idiots here at SuicideGirls have probably cured many different types of cancer on the message boards. Unfortunately, the law stepped in and last week, a judge ruled that Hauser was neglecting her son. She took him to one chemo treatment, and then bailed.

A courtroom clash between medicine and faith took a criminal turn, with police around the country on the lookout Wednesday for a Minnesota mother who fled with her cancer-stricken 13-year-old son rather than consent to chemotherapy.



On the run with a boy who has cancer! She’s like Dillinger, except instead of a gun, she has a young boy – with cancer. Police have several leads and she appears to be an idiot, so by the time this is posted, I expect her to be caught.

And finally, check out this criminal Asshole Fuckface.



Bragging and justifying war crimes is sort of sickening. But even worse, the fact that Obama appears to have no problem allowing this walking piece of shit to cross the country, bragging about his war crimes for all to hear, is beyond the pale. According to Obama and his spokesman Gibbs, we need to look towards the future, not the past, regardless of how blatant and disturbing the war crime. That’s an impressive stance to take, Mr. Constitutional lawyer and Asshole Fuckface. Why not just allow police to waterboard? How about we set up a waterboarding room in every FBI office? Let’s go.

At this point, Cheney is taunting and daring Obama and/or Congress to do something. Don't hold your breath.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

 

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Comments
Azadeth

Azadeth

Fairport, NY
August 2006

MAY 22, 2009 05:14 PM

OpticNerve said:
Despite having a black president, America is one of the most racist countries in the world. I can't wait to be back in Canada. At least they don't kill you because of your skin colour; they only follow you around the department stores and ignore you when you try hail a cab.



It's easy to say that America is one of the most racist countries in the world when most other countries have negligible variation in race or culture in their populations on which to test their own racist potential.

Mind you, I'm a bleeding heart liberal and I find the actions of Cheney and every other asshole fuckface borderline inhuman. But my main enemy is ignorance, which is what you're spouting too, kiddo.

So get your head out of your ass.

sick

sick

Minneapolis, MN
June 2003

MAY 22, 2009 05:14 PM

Skulk said:

Roethke said:

badgers said:
What i don't get is why people with "faith" so often have "faith" in the crap treatments. The ones that really don't do much at all, if anything. Why not have faith in the good shit?

"I'm treating my son's cancer with herbs and water and flowers and cat shit, because God will help us and He will heal my son."

No. God thinks you're an idiot. He thinks you should try chemo.



They pump poison into your bloodstream through a port in a hole your chest. Chemo is extremely painful, often ineffective, expensive, and takes a very long time.

While I think this woman is clearly misinformed and maybe crazy, chemo is no walk in the park and totally understand people who make an informed decision not to undergo it.



If the child is found competent. meaning he understands the risks and possible benifits of the treatment then it is his decision to make. not his mother's.

Edit: apparently this is not true in america. You are free to kill your children.



No, it's not true in America, because it's expected that parents will make medical decisions for their minor children.

It's usually not a problem, because most parents make the decisions we consider the right ones. It wouldn't make the media if the woman had decided to get the kid chemo, for instance.

We have exceptions, of course, such as requiring most children to get vaccinations, but that's a case where there's a clear issue of public safety. In this case, the kid isn't going to infect everyone else with lymphoma.

Sure, the woman is an idiot and her kid will die if he doesn't get proper treatment. But it's a tricky issue whether or not the state can override a person's decisions about medical treatment without a pressing public health need. Or, in this case, the decision of the people legally responsible for making such decisions for someone else.

Skulk

Skulk

Victoria, BC
July 2005

MAY 22, 2009 07:04 PM

Sick said:

Skulk said:

Roethke said:

badgers said:
What i don't get is why people with "faith" so often have "faith" in the crap treatments. The ones that really don't do much at all, if anything. Why not have faith in the good shit?

"I'm treating my son's cancer with herbs and water and flowers and cat shit, because God will help us and He will heal my son."

No. God thinks you're an idiot. He thinks you should try chemo.



They pump poison into your bloodstream through a port in a hole your chest. Chemo is extremely painful, often ineffective, expensive, and takes a very long time.

While I think this woman is clearly misinformed and maybe crazy, chemo is no walk in the park and totally understand people who make an informed decision not to undergo it.



If the child is found competent. meaning he understands the risks and possible benifits of the treatment then it is his decision to make. not his mother's.

Edit: apparently this is not true in america. You are free to kill your children.



No, it's not true in America, because it's expected that parents will make medical decisions for their minor children.

It's usually not a problem, because most parents make the decisions we consider the right ones. It wouldn't make the media if the woman had decided to get the kid chemo, for instance.

We have exceptions, of course, such as requiring most children to get vaccinations, but that's a case where there's a clear issue of public safety. In this case, the kid isn't going to infect everyone else with lymphoma.

Sure, the woman is an idiot and her kid will die if he doesn't get proper treatment. But it's a tricky issue whether or not the state can override a person's decisions about medical treatment without a pressing public health need. Or, in this case, the decision of the people legally responsible for making such decisions for someone else.



Seems to me a childs right to life should trump a mothers right to force her beliefs on the child.

edit: trumps -> should trump

sick

sick

Minneapolis, MN
June 2003

MAY 22, 2009 07:25 PM

Skulk said:
Seems to me a childs right to life should trump a mothers right to force her beliefs on the child.

edit: trumps -> should trump



The kid doesn't want the treatment either, you know. But since he's not old enough to be considered responsible for his own medical decisions, the responsibility falls to his parents. That's how it works. Or does it only work that way when the parents decide like we think they should?

Skulk

Skulk

Victoria, BC
July 2005

MAY 22, 2009 08:06 PM

Sick said:

Skulk said:
Seems to me a childs right to life should trump a mothers right to force her beliefs on the child.

edit: trumps -> should trump



The kid doesn't want the treatment either, you know. But since he's not old enough to be considered responsible for his own medical decisions, the responsibility falls to his parents. That's how it works. Or does it only work that way when the parents decide like we think they should?



I'm just arguing the ethics of the situation. In the case in question the state has clearly decided the mother is not acting in the child's best interests and has ordered treatment. This is the reason why they are fleeing.

Edit: Southpark did it first. Cherokee hair tampons.

gfvella

gfvella

Australia
November 2004

MAY 22, 2009 08:15 PM

OpticNerve said: Henry Kissinger is not in jail for ordering a carpet bombing campaign that killed thousands of yellow people. Don't act so shocked that Cheney is not behind bars for orchestrating a war that has killed hundreds of thousands of brown people in a far off land of sand.

Despite having a black president, America is one of the most racist countries in the world. I can't wait to be back in Canada. At least they don't kill you because of your skin colour; they only follow you around the department stores and ignore you when you try hail a cab.



America is one of the most racist countries in the world

As compared to where? Try almost anywhere in Asia or for that matter Europe. The US isn't perfect but it runs a successful multiracial and multicultural state.

Also don't let your views on racism hide the base political calculus and even baser stupidity from what you are talking about.

Kissinger was one amoral bastard, but he's never been accused of being a racist. he was quite happy to see you killed if it forwarded his goals whether you were white, black, brown or yellow.

Rumsfeld on the other had was incompetent no matter what he was dealing with. The only difference if it had been white Americans is that he would have had Republican Senators and Congress-criters hanging on the phone.

pagnaet

pagnaet

Amarillo, TX
March 2005

MAY 22, 2009 08:25 PM

mydogfarted said:

pagnaet said:
As for our beloved President, does it give you hope that he has sided with Bush on almost everything?



surreal


Obama threatens to stop sharing intelligence with UK if torture evidence released

FISA still a go; warrantless searches still a go; Gitmo still a go. If torture is so bad, then why cant we have justice? As well, why in the holiest of FUCKS is the ACTA covered by "national security"?

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

MAY 22, 2009 09:15 PM

pagnaet said:

mydogfarted said:

pagnaet said:
As for our beloved President, does it give you hope that he has sided with Bush on almost everything?



surreal


Obama threatens to stop sharing intelligence with UK if torture evidence released

FISA still a go; warrantless searches still a go; Gitmo still a go. If torture is so bad, then why cant we have justice? As well, why in the holiest of FUCKS is the ACTA covered by "national security"?



You are completely uninformed about Gitmo. Read up, come back and apologize.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

MAY 22, 2009 09:32 PM

Ogata said:
I do love Joe Biden.

Joe Biden let slip the "undisclosed location" where Dick Cheney hid out in the hours after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 to his tablemates during the Gridiron dinner earlier this year. According to Newsweek's Eleanor Clift:

The veep related the story to his head-table dinner mates when he filled in for President Obama at the Gridiron Club earlier this year. He said the young naval officer giving him a tour of the [vice-presidential residence at the Naval Observatory] showed him the hideaway, which is behind a massive steel door secured by an elaborate lock with a narrow connecting hallway lined with shelves filled with communications equipment. The officer explained that when Cheney was in lock down, this was where his most trusted aides were stationed, an image that Biden conveyed in a way that suggested we shouldn�t be surprised that the policies that emerged were off the wall.

smile



Do you also love passing on lies?

Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

MAY 22, 2009 09:41 PM

Sick said:

Skulk said:
Seems to me a childs right to life should trump a mothers right to force her beliefs on the child.

edit: trumps -> should trump



The kid doesn't want the treatment either, you know. But since he's not old enough to be considered responsible for his own medical decisions, the responsibility falls to his parents. That's how it works. Or does it only work that way when the parents decide like we think they should?



The form of cancer the boy has has an 80-90% survival rate if treated with chemotherapy, but that rate gets lower the longer he goes without treatment.

The boy's father is begging the the mother to bring him home so treatment can be determined.

No major medical treatment is pleasant. Some chemo does more harm than good (see recent studies of prostate cancer treatment, for instance, that show that the treatment is painful, humiliating, debilitating, and, most importantly, rarely effective, and that prostate cancer spreads so slowly that it is very, very rarely a cause of death, which has led to a shift in treatment methods)


A sick 13 year old who's been told repeatedly by his mother that "Native American" prayer treatment will cure him painlessly does not have the capacity to make the decision whether or not to undergo chemotherapy.

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

MAY 22, 2009 11:24 PM

Shalome said:
A sick 13 year old who's been told repeatedly by his mother that "Native American" prayer treatment will cure him painlessly does not have the capacity to make the decision whether or not to undergo chemotherapy.


that is a really, really dangerous and thorny stance to take. i'm not sure i want to live in a country that decides one's capacity for self-determination based on their cultural values. not even if those values are really, really dumb.

Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

MAY 22, 2009 11:57 PM

motorfirebox said:

Shalome said:
A sick 13 year old who's been told repeatedly by his mother that "Native American" prayer treatment will cure him painlessly does not have the capacity to make the decision whether or not to undergo chemotherapy.


that is a really, really dangerous and thorny stance to take. i'm not sure i want to live in a country that decides one's capacity for self-determination based on their cultural values. not even if those values are really, really dumb.



If you believe 13 year olds have the capacity for fully rational self-determination and long-term perspective in regards to life-or-death medical treatment situations, do you believe the United States would be right to sentence a 13 year old to the death penalty if a 13 year old killed someone?

Bear with me here; I know I'm mixing common hot-button topics, but if you believe a 13 year old is fully rational and informed as to medical treatment, and is completely self-accountable to the point where they can choose appropriate medical treatments for their condition, and are also fully able to choose which cultural or religious influences are true and right for them, then that can easily be extrapolated that you believe that a 13 year old has a fully adult capacity of reason and belief structure and should be accorded all adult freedoms and punishments available under the law.

If you're talking about the mother who has chosen to take her 13 year old son away from his father because she doesn't want him treated... well, then, does "self-determination" apply to your minor children? Should a parent be able to subject a minor child to any form of life that parent sees fit for that child, in the name of self-determination? If a 5 year old died of pnuemonia because its mother believed in prayer-treatment and prayed instead of rendering any sort of physical aid to the child, would that fall under your definition of "self-determination"? How about a parent who decided their child needed to be beaten regularly? How about a parent who decided their child didn't need to eat?

You want to talk about dangerous and thorny stances? Let's talk about "self-determination" and what it means and who it applies to.

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

MAY 23, 2009 12:04 AM

i don't believe that most 13 year olds have the capacity for fully rational self-determination. i was commenting on the "who's been told repeatedly by his mother that 'Native American' prayer treatment will cure him painlessly" part. i understand you were presenting that and his age as a single linked concept, but i don't see them as linked.

Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

MAY 23, 2009 12:15 AM

motorfirebox said:
i don't believe that most 13 year olds have the capacity for fully rational self-determination. i was commenting on the "who's been told repeatedly by his mother that 'Native American' prayer treatment will cure him painlessly" part. i understand you were presenting that and his age as a single linked concept, but i don't see them as linked.



What were you referring to as "self-determination," then, since my argument had nothing to do with the validity of alternative treatments and was solely focused on whether or not the boy has the capacity to determine his own treatment?

You may have misunderstood what I was saying. Let me remake my initial statement, in question form: The fact that he's been told by a loving, trusted authority figure that his condition can be cured painlessly through alternative treatment, despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary (that he may not be fully aware of or able to comprehend), is most likely a major influence on his stated rejection of conventional, short-term-painful treatment, is it not?

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

MAY 23, 2009 12:42 AM

Shalome said:
The fact that he's been told by a loving, trusted authority figure that his condition can be cured painlessly through alternative treatment, despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary (that he may not be fully aware of or able to comprehend), is most likely a major influence on his stated rejection of conventional, short-term-painful treatment, is it not?


yes, it is a factor in his decision, but it shouldn't be a factor in the eyes of the law. it wouldn't be a factor if he were 21--we wouldn't send cops in to drag him to the hospital and force him to get chemo. if the kid's capacity for self-determination comes into question, that capacity should not be decided based on his cultural values, nor should it be based on his age in combination with his cultural values. it should be based on his age alone. it shouldn't matter what his loving, trusted authority figure told him.

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