Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. We do this shit here weekly. We have to. If we didn’t, the world’s Asshole Fuckfaces would be sauntering about without a care in the world. So, here we are, pointing out all the Rafa Benitez’s and Michele Bachmann’s of the world for you to mock and hate. This week has been so chalk full o’ Fuckfaces it was hard to pick four. But I did. And I now present them to you.

First up, some good old GOP Southern Asshole Fuckfacery.

Going into politics is sometimes hard because you are quickly forced to realize that most people don’t enjoy your racist or anti-Semitic language. Take Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren who, besides having the same first name as one of the girls on The Facts of Life, also was bitten by the stereotypical Southern idiot bug.

Totally. What he was trying to say is that even the evil Jew has moral standards. Or, no, wait; maybe he was just trying to remember his name.

RIght. Could either have been “Jew” or “Jewish.” Not really sure, but it was totally relevant to the discussion of traditional values and foreign policy.

I understand. Sometimes I call them “negroes,” but it’s not derogatory because I often agree with Charles Barkley.

Next up, some hall of fame Asshole Fuckfaces are worse than imagined.

Donny Rumsfeld is one of the all time great Asshole Fuckfaces. His epic Iraq War failure is one of the great military blunders of all time. Thankfully, his acts of horror continue to be revealed, so that we may continue to throw up in buckets. This week GQ published an article that is, simply astounding.

Let’s start with the cover sheets Rummy used for the intelligence updates he gave to Bush. Each cover sheet included a nice photo of American soldiers or Saddam Hussein and a wonderful biblical quote. That way, Bush would continue to think he was fighting a holy war.

I’m surprise they didn’t do some Crusade re-enactments on the back lawn. Sadly, that little tidbit of horror was not the worst information revealed in the article. Rummy also helped to kill Americans with his response to Katrina.

Good call. Also, Shepard Smith is crying like a baby on Fox because of all the horror he's looking at.

Um. Maybe you haven’t noticed Mr. President, but a lot of those people are black. You know what I’m saying, right?

Rumsfeld held off on sending troops for 7 days. Anything happen over those seven days? Can anyone recall anything?

Next up, some awesome Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Sometimes, as a parent, you face a super hard choice between your beliefs and letting your young son live. Just ask Colleen Hauser of Minnesota. She believes in the natural healing methods of an American Indian religious group called the Nemenhah Band. Unfortunately, her 13-year-old son came down with Hodgkins lymphoma –- a curable form of cancer. By “curable” I mean with chemo and radiation, not this:

I don’t know how you could go wrong by treating cancer with info from the Internet. Hell, you idiots here at SuicideGirls have probably cured many different types of cancer on the message boards. Unfortunately, the law stepped in and last week, a judge ruled that Hauser was neglecting her son. She took him to one chemo treatment, and then bailed.

On the run with a boy who has cancer! She’s like Dillinger, except instead of a gun, she has a young boy – with cancer. Police have several leads and she appears to be an idiot, so by the time this is posted, I expect her to be caught.

And finally, check out this criminal Asshole Fuckface.



Bragging and justifying war crimes is sort of sickening. But even worse, the fact that Obama appears to have no problem allowing this walking piece of shit to cross the country, bragging about his war crimes for all to hear, is beyond the pale. According to Obama and his spokesman Gibbs, we need to look towards the future, not the past, regardless of how blatant and disturbing the war crime. That’s an impressive stance to take, Mr. Constitutional lawyer and Asshole Fuckface. Why not just allow police to waterboard? How about we set up a waterboarding room in every FBI office? Let’s go.

At this point, Cheney is taunting and daring Obama and/or Congress to do something. Don't hold your breath.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper