Occasionally, as Asshole Fuckface will be ignored during a Roundup. This can occur for several reasons. Often, there are worse Asshole Fuckfaces committing far worse acts. Sometimes it is just words instead of action. A heinous act will always get the nod over a statement, particularly if the statement is out of character. And sometimes, the Asshole Fuckface is such a complete tool that I could put her in the Roundup every single week. Seriously, welcome to a Michele Bachmann special edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Rip out your brain and put on your idiot hat, it’s the only way you’ll understand this nonsense.

THE MICHELE BACHMANN ASSHOLE FUCKFACE SPECIAL

Michele has been on a tear the past couple of weeks. She is a miraculous moron in an ordinary year and to say she has stepped up her game is an understatement. She began her trip into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame on March 27th, when she called for a revolution – forgetting that our president was elected by an overwhelming majority of the population.

This is exactly what Thomas Jefferson was talking about. Exactly. He was all about energy taxes and hatin’ on ‘lectric trains and shit.

Next came April 15th, when she conveniently re-wrote recorded history. And I’m not talking about old history, I’m talking a couple of years ago.

In 2006 six Imams were taken off a flight in Minneapolis and detained because some idiot passengers thought they were “suspicious.” “Suspicious” means praying and speaking Arabic. Of course, it was bullshit. They were returning from the Minneapolis conference of the North American Imams Federation and were simply engaging in their evening prayers. Last month, Bachmann explained what happened, but she used non-facts.

No, actually, not at all. They were not doing anything remotely close to what you describe and they had nothing to do with Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim. Turns out, not all Muslims know each other, unlike Republican Asshole Fuckfaces. Michele just blatantly lied to a large audience, even though the actual facts are well known. But we should not be surprised.

Next up, on April 22nd, Michele took a dip into Lake Stupid and came out really wet.



Holy fucking shit. Where to begin?

Um. It kills you if there’s too much of it. Literally. Kills you. Some people consider dying to be harmful.

Except when it kills you.

It’s not three percent. It’s .04%. If it was 3%, we’d be sleeping a long, long sleep. Oh, and just because something occurs naturally in nature doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Try drinking some Mercury and you’ll totally get what I mean. Seriously. Try drinking Mercury.

Next up, our favorite Asshole Fuckface pointed out the shocking coincidences of swine flu pandemics.



First up, the swing flu in the '70’s happened under the presidency of a guy named Gerald Ford. Ford was sort of a Republican. The vaccinations began under Ford and continued under Carter. So, you are an idiot for getting your facts wrong. Totally not surprised, but let’s pretend you weren’t.

If you find it “interesting” that the outbreak of flus occur under Democratic presidents, then you must believe that is happening for a reason. Why else would you bring it up? So, you are basically saying the Democrats are up to something. Apparently, Democrats have quite a bit to gain by setting the flu loose on the American public. So, Democrats want people to die and they have decided to use an uncontrollable weapon that could kill them and their families. I don’t know how anyone could find a flaw in that argument.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface idiot express, Michele said some shit about the past that wasn’t true. Can you believe it? Sit back and enjoy the Great Depression according to Michele Bachmann.



Yeah, not so much. I’d like to start out by saying it’s not the Hoot-Smalley bill, it was the Smoot-Hawley bill. We know this because it was written by Senator Reed Smoot of Utah and Representative Willis Hawley of Oregon, both Republicans. Besides that little mistake, I’m loving the idea that we should have kept going with the Coolidge awesomeness. Clearly it was really working well until fucking FDR stepped in.

Her stupidity can BEND TIME. That’s fucking awesome.

Finally, Michele took to the floor of Congress on May 2nd to talk about National Prayer Day, during which she babbled about a prayer Washington wrote…

Of course, it wasn’t actually a prayer written by Washington. It was from a letter he wrote when he resigned from the Army – which is totally different than an inauguration and totally different from a prayer.

Then Michele went on to show us why she is a leading scholar of American history.

Totally. Except there were these two years between the Constitutional Convention and the drafting of the Bill of Rights by the first Congress. But, almost the same day. Really, you were just off by seven hundred and twenty nine days.

Keep on keeping on, Michele. You are a national treasure.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper