Many people think Asshole Fuckfaces are a dime a dozen. You could not be more wrong. Since ancient times, my family has been searching out Asshole Fuckfaces and dragging them into the light for all to see. There is a specific criteria for selecting Asshole Fuckfaces and while I can’t reveal exactly what it is, I can tell you it involves tears, cucumbers, fishnet stockings, tuna fish, sand paper and knit caps. Trust me, it works. Now, put on your best tear proof poncho because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a little Pakistani Asshole Fuckfaci.

Ayman Udas has been growing in popularity as a singer. It wasn’t easy because she came from the North West area of Pakistan, which is sometimes known as “Holy Shit, What The Fuck Is Wrong With Those People-istan?” Being divorced mother of two, Udas personal life also seemed to be going well as she remarried two weeks ago.

Last week she performed on PTV, a state run channel on which she was frequent guest. She sang her song, “I died but still live among the living, because I live on in the dreams of my lover.” Trim that title down a bit and she might have a hit. Or, you could get a hit because your brother killed you for being on television.

Isn’t that what brothers are for? To kill you when you sing on TV? I’m sure they feel super good about themselves right now.

You know, there is also this thing called, “Cutting off.”

Next up, let’s move to Europe for some Asshole Fuckfacope.

Some medical professionals in Poland don’t really get it. Sure, they wanted to do the right thing, they wanted to make sure people don’t get sick, but they are Asshole Fuckfaces, so their morals are a bit off. Three doctors and six nurses were looking for a vaccine for the bird flu -- and they found one. Sort of.

Hey, that’s not at all like a shitty B movie plot.

That didn’t work very well, but, whatever, it's not like they are real people.

You, sir, are a fucking genius. I don’t know if there could be a greater example of a total lack of ethics in medicine.

Never mind. I found one.

Next up, more Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our “Representation” is fucking ridiculous. Even in times of extreme financial hardship, our lawmakers cannot find it within themselves to do the right thing for the everyday man. This week, the Asshole Fuckfaces voted against a proposal to change bankruptcy laws to allow judges to “cram down” mortgage payments for homeowners who are screwed.

Basically, "cram downs" allow the judge to lower mortgage payments for homeowners who owe more on their home than it is worth. The homeowner has to have also exhausted all other available options. These loan modifications are extremely effective at reducing foreclosures.

Senator Dick Durbin authored the "cram down" proposal and, of course, the Senate voted against it. What’s awesome is taxpayers gave trillions to banks, who then used that money to lobby against cram downs. And it worked. Welcome to double anal.

Durbin explained the situation in plain terms.

Not going to happen, Dick. Meanwhile, the mortgage bankers celebrated. Maybe that’s because they are super rich. See, judges are allowed to do cram downs on their vacation homes, investment properties and even luxury yachts, while the middle class and poor can’t have the same deal for their only home.

We are completely and totally fucked as a nation with these people running the show. You really shouldn’t see this any other way.

Finally, some FEMA Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who doesn’t love a 9-11 coloring book? I think they are great for kids. I’m going to put one on the shelf right next to my son’s Holocaust pop-out book, his Rape of Nanking connect-the-dots book and his New York Slave Auction audio-read-along book.

Sadly, FEMA has decided to pull its 9-11 coloring book, mostly because it’s a 9-11 coloring book.

Be sure to use the orange crayon for the fire, the gray for the smoke and blue for the people jumping out of the towers to their deaths.

Fuck yeah. It’s called “coping” you little babies. Now, color in the horrible thing that makes daddy queasy.

Apparently, parents didn’t care for it.

Good call. Maybe rabbits and dogs are good for coloring, not fiery death. FEMA also included some helpful words for the kids.

Word. Also, don’t look at our coloring book because it will give you nightmares and stomach aches.

FEMA has removed the book.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper