Asshole Fuckface Roundup #95

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please help me warn the good people about the horrible people. I feel the masses must know what the awful people are doing and why they are doing it. Jesus, I will call these people “Asshole Fuckfaces” because they are Asshole Fuckfaces. I could not do it without your help, J-bro. So, let’s get this fucker rolling.

Amen.

First up, some delightful politician racism.

Pat Buchanan is my favorite blatant racist who gets to have a job as a legitimate political commentator. He’s one of the few fun guys on the other side of the political spectrum, so he makes a great guest on cable news shows. And we apparently have all decided to turn our backs on his ugly streak of racist nonsense.

This week, Mount Racist Fuckface erupted again, on the pages of the website Human Events. In the middle of one of his usual rants against Obama, he tossed in this little gem.

It is this part of America that does not comprehend how the President could sit in Trinidad and listen to the scrub stock of the hemisphere trash our country – and say nothing.

“Scrub stock.” That’s some old school racism there.

There's no record of it appearing in the New York Times since 1943. (Hey, no one ever called Buchanan hip!) Until then, it was almost exclusively used to refer to an inferior breed of farm animal, usually cattle or horses, as when the paper reported in 1907: "Financial Disturbance Forces Cattlemen to Sell "Scrub" Stock to Hold Prime Grades."

In 1934, a federal official writing in the Times about measures being taken in response to the drought of the period, used the phrase in a similar way: "In some cases the drought cattle are being exchanged for scrub stock. The scrub stock is canned and the good stock is used to replace it..."

That’s impressive. Pat Buchanan thought he would use a racist term so obscure that no one would get it. Too bad there is this thing called the Internet. Delightfully, it gets worse. “Scrub stock” isn’t just some random phrase Pat picked up. He speaks in code language to angry whites the way Bush spoke in code language to religious extremists and “scrub stock” is a label they know. It was commonly used in the early 20th century to argue that whites are better than blacks. And Pat knows his history, especially racial history.

So, Pat Buchanan just called the president of Trinidad “inferior” because he is of mixed race. You know, like our president. Point made, Pat.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface apples fall far from the tree.

Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. was one of our greatest Americans. He was an amazing man and his message and words inspire to this day. Sadly, some of his words are coming true, like these:

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Trust me, Martin, your kids are being judged on their character. Only problem is, they are being judged as Asshole Fuckfaces. Most people don’t know the King children like to rake in the dough anytime anyone uses their father’s words.

During the 1990s, King's children sued USA Today for publishing and CBS for broadcasting their father's "I Have a Dream" speech without payment -- and they won. In 1999, a federal appeals court ruled that the speech could be claimed as property because the family refused to release it into the public domain. CNN had to buy the rights to broadcast the speech to the nation.

Now that is sexy. How proud would their father be? We don’t really know, but we can only imagine he’d be very proud. Not many people know that he wanted to charge an admission fee to his “I Have a Dream” speech.

This week, it was revealed just how Asshole Fuckfacish his kids are when they made a nonprofit foundation pay them so King Jr’s words could be used on the King memorial on Washington's Mall. Seriously. These assholes made the Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Project Foundation pay them $800,000 for the use of his image and words ON HIS OWN FUCKING MEMORIAL.

King himself was so opposed to appearing to profit from his work that when he won the 1968 Nobel Peace Prize, he gave the proceeds to charity.

But that was before he gave his famous, "I'm Getting Mine" speech.

Next up, religious Asshole Fuckface morons.

Bill Nye the Science Guy made a trip to Texas last week. He spoke at McLennan Community College in Waco, Texas. Now, most people would probably understand, when going to see a man named “The Science Guy”, that science would be discussed. Sadly, this was Texas, so my theory did not hold up.

Opening with a discussion of Mars and his hopes for further discovery on the neighboring planet, Nye encouraged the audience to take interest in discovery and “change the world,” a mantra he repeated throughout.

Sounds good. Off to a nice start.

Nye indicated that the presence of water in Mars’ atmosphere - evidenced by the planet’s ability to form frost -- leads him to believe that there is a strong possibility that the planet once supported life.

Okay, well, maybe. Whatever. Now you are talking about Martians or some shit. Or as I like to call it, “Fake stuff" -- stuff that is not in The Bible.

The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights -- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

You son of a bitch! You crossed a line, “Science Guy.”

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.

“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.

Yes, you believe in God,but you are apparently so stupid that you get upset when hearing about science during a lecture you attended starring a guy named “The Science Guy.” Also, your belief in God is so strong, you can't listen to someone say something you don't think is right about God. That's some strong faith you've got there. Stick to your “God Guy” and the one book. Do not venture from its thick hard cover.

Finally, some white guy math Asshole Fuckfacery.

Byron York is a conservative writer who currently works for the Washington Examiner, a paper so important I just discovered its existence. Previously, he wrote for National Review magazine, which means he learned how to write complete bullshit and stick to it. This week, Byron explained Obama’s popularity numbers in a ‘holy shit am I white’ kind of way.

On his 100th day in office, Barack Obama enjoys high job approval ratings, no matter what poll you consult. But if a new survey by the New York Times is accurate, the president and some of his policies are significantly less popular with white Americans than with black Americans, and his sky-high ratings among African-Americans make some of his positions appear a bit more popular overall than they actually are.

Fucking black people. They are totally throwing off the real numbers. Here’s the deal, if we went back to the thingy where they only counted for 3/5’s of a vote, he WOULDN’T be that popular.

Asked whether their opinion of the president is favorable or unfavorable, 49 percent of whites in the Times poll say they have a favorable opinion of Obama. Among blacks the number is 80 percent. Twenty-one percent of whites say their view of the president is unfavorable, while the number of blacks with unfavorable opinions of Obama is too small to measure.

Nice breakdown. I mean, come on! Why can’t people see this? America doesn’t like him, black people do.

Life will be much easier for Byron when he accepts the fact that black people are Americans and they are here to stay. Same with Hispanics and Asians. I know it’s weird to wrap your head around but they actually count as much as white people.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


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