Dear Baby Jesus,

Please help me warn the good people about the horrible people. I feel the masses must know what the awful people are doing and why they are doing it. Jesus, I will call these people “Asshole Fuckfaces” because they are Asshole Fuckfaces. I could not do it without your help, J-bro. So, let’s get this fucker rolling.

Amen.

First up, some delightful politician racism.

Pat Buchanan is my favorite blatant racist who gets to have a job as a legitimate political commentator. He’s one of the few fun guys on the other side of the political spectrum, so he makes a great guest on cable news shows. And we apparently have all decided to turn our backs on his ugly streak of racist nonsense.

This week, Mount Racist Fuckface erupted again, on the pages of the website Human Events. In the middle of one of his usual rants against Obama, he tossed in this little gem.

“Scrub stock.” That’s some old school racism there.

That’s impressive. Pat Buchanan thought he would use a racist term so obscure that no one would get it. Too bad there is this thing called the Internet. Delightfully, it gets worse. “Scrub stock” isn’t just some random phrase Pat picked up. He speaks in code language to angry whites the way Bush spoke in code language to religious extremists and “scrub stock” is a label they know. It was commonly used in the early 20th century to argue that whites are better than blacks. And Pat knows his history, especially racial history.

So, Pat Buchanan just called the president of Trinidad “inferior” because he is of mixed race. You know, like our president. Point made, Pat.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface apples fall far from the tree.

Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. was one of our greatest Americans. He was an amazing man and his message and words inspire to this day. Sadly, some of his words are coming true, like these:

Trust me, Martin, your kids are being judged on their character. Only problem is, they are being judged as Asshole Fuckfaces. Most people don’t know the King children like to rake in the dough anytime anyone uses their father’s words.

Now that is sexy. How proud would their father be? We don’t really know, but we can only imagine he’d be very proud. Not many people know that he wanted to charge an admission fee to his “I Have a Dream” speech.

This week, it was revealed just how Asshole Fuckfacish his kids are when they made a nonprofit foundation pay them so King Jr’s words could be used on the King memorial on Washington's Mall. Seriously. These assholes made the Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Project Foundation pay them $800,000 for the use of his image and words ON HIS OWN FUCKING MEMORIAL.

But that was before he gave his famous, "I'm Getting Mine" speech.

Next up, religious Asshole Fuckface morons.

Bill Nye the Science Guy made a trip to Texas last week. He spoke at McLennan Community College in Waco, Texas. Now, most people would probably understand, when going to see a man named “The Science Guy”, that science would be discussed. Sadly, this was Texas, so my theory did not hold up.

Sounds good. Off to a nice start.

Okay, well, maybe. Whatever. Now you are talking about Martians or some shit. Or as I like to call it, “Fake stuff" -- stuff that is not in The Bible.

You son of a bitch! You crossed a line, “Science Guy.”

Yes, you believe in God,but you are apparently so stupid that you get upset when hearing about science during a lecture you attended starring a guy named “The Science Guy.” Also, your belief in God is so strong, you can't listen to someone say something you don't think is right about God. That's some strong faith you've got there. Stick to your “God Guy” and the one book. Do not venture from its thick hard cover.

Finally, some white guy math Asshole Fuckfacery.

Byron York is a conservative writer who currently works for the Washington Examiner, a paper so important I just discovered its existence. Previously, he wrote for National Review magazine, which means he learned how to write complete bullshit and stick to it. This week, Byron explained Obama’s popularity numbers in a ‘holy shit am I white’ kind of way.

Fucking black people. They are totally throwing off the real numbers. Here’s the deal, if we went back to the thingy where they only counted for 3/5’s of a vote, he WOULDN’T be that popular.

Nice breakdown. I mean, come on! Why can’t people see this? America doesn’t like him, black people do.

Life will be much easier for Byron when he accepts the fact that black people are Americans and they are here to stay. Same with Hispanics and Asians. I know it’s weird to wrap your head around but they actually count as much as white people.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper