Asshole Fuckface Roundup #94

It is time for you to put on your best pair of golashes to spelunk through the Asshole Fuckfaces. For you, it’s just a good time and a way to make yourself feel better about your loathsome life by making fun of others. For me, it’s deadly serious. I practice the ancient religion of No Fuckish. We No Fuckacarians believe if the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are not exposed, Vlad the Impaler will rise from the dead and slaughter everyone. So, my fellow Fuckacarians and I must scour the Earth each week looking for Asshole Fuckfaces to drag into the light.

First up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

What kind of person are you if you use your power to make a criminal act legal while criminals help you to attain an even more powerful position, which is a criminal act that is being illegally taped via the criminal act you are trying to help make legal? You’re an Asshole Fuckface, of course. After all, that is what this article is about.

Jane Harmon, a Democrat from Torrance, California, is not only an Asshole Fuckface, but could also be jackass of the decade.

Rep. Jane Harman, the California Democrat with a longtime involvement in intelligence issues, was overheard on an NSA wiretap telling a suspected Israeli agent that she would lobby the Justice Department to reduce espionage-related charges against two officials of the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee, the most powerful pro-Israel organization in Washington.

Harman was recorded saying she would “waddle into” the AIPAC case “if you think it’ll make a difference,” according to two former senior national security officials familiar with the NSA transcript.

That’s some nice work. Just another American lawmaker doing what she can to help another country with their American espionage problem.

In exchange for Harman’s help, the sources said, the suspected Israeli agent pledged to help lobby Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., then-House minority leader, to appoint Harman chair of the Intelligence Committee after the 2006 elections, which the Democrats were heavily favored to win.

Seemingly wary of what she had just agreed to, according to an official who read the NSA transcript, Harman hung up after saying, “This conversation doesn’t exist.”

Actually, Jane, IT DOES! That’s the exciting part. The phone call was recorded by the NSA using a warrantless wiretap. Of course, the Department of Justice did not pursue a criminal investigation because Jane is one of the biggest proponents of warrantless wiretapping in Congress. Welcome to the story of the worst Congressperson alive.

Because, according to three top former national security officials, Gonzales wanted Harman to be able to help defend the administration’s warrantless wiretapping program, which was about break in The New York Times and engulf the White House.

But that’s when, according to knowledgeable officials, Attorney General Gonzales intervened.

According to two officials privy to the events, Gonzales said he “needed Jane” to help support the administration’s warrantless wiretapping program, which was about to be exposed by the New York Times.

It would actually be better if Harman was innocent and was completely screwed over because she was one of the biggest defenders of the warrantless wiretapping program. She went as far as to call for prosecution of The New York Times for revealing the program. You know, the program that taped her committing a crime. Or not. The one that just taped her without a warrant.

"By the way, I deplore that leak," Harman declared moments before her comments on prosecuting the Times. "This is a very valuable foreign [intelligence] collection program. I think it is tragic that a lot of our capabilities are now [spread] across the pages of the newspapers."

Holy shit, is there a worse person in Congress? Please investigate and prosecute this Asshole Fuckface immediately.

Next up, some GOP Asshole Fuckfacery.

Republicans are so fucking stupid it is amazing. They seem to have no understanding that people write stuff down, record with video and take pictures. For years now, they have been calling Democrats out with absolute bullshit to inflame the masses, even though it is often untrue, while ignoring the fact that Republicans are often guilty of the same non-incident they are trying to create. It’s pretty enjoyable to watch.

This week they went after Barack Obama because when he met with Hugo Chavez he acted like an adult instead of an angry three-year-old. Republicans were apparently very upset that Obama smiled and shook Hugo’s hand.

Everywhere in Latin America, enemies of America are going to use the picture of Chavez smiling and being with the president as proof that Chavez is now legitimate that he is acceptable," Gingrich said.

"What I find distressing is that this administration is opposed to looking for oil offshore, but the president bows to the Saudi king, and the president is friends with Venezuela whose biggest impact on us is that they send us a lot of oil," Gingrich added.

Um. So. First up, George Bush walked around holding the Saudi king’s hand, like a schoolgirl. Second, Obama is not “friends with Venezuela.” He spoke to the man. That’s it. I speak to many people I can’t stand. It’s called being an adult. Third, Chavez is a legitimate leader and most of Latin America hates us because of all the murdering of South Americans we have supported. You should pick up a history book about Argentina sometime, Newt. Finally, here’s a photo of Republicans smiling and hanging out with America’s enemies.

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I believe the kids call that “pwned,” you Asshole Fuckface. Oh, and I’d like to add a video of Obama actually laying down the law to Chavez. Wow, check out the adult doing business. That’s how it works, Newt. Also, your name is Newt. We are at a point now where the Republican's sad floundering is floundering.

Next up, some Libertarian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how crazy it was last week when the Governor of Texas hinted that his state could secede from the United States of America? Wow, that was fun. Also, it’s kind of illegal to secede, but who’s keeping track of all that legal mumbo jumbo?

Then it seemed as if the Governor Rick Perry had learned his lesson. He backed down from his crazy talk and tried to play nice. That’s when crazy, batshit, Ron “I know nothing about history” Paul stepped into the controversy.



Holy shit, what a complete and total moron. I thought he would never top his deluded and ignorant ideas about America and poverty during the early 1900’s, but he has.

It is very American to talk about secession. That's how we came in being. Thirteen colonies seceded from the British and established a new country.

Um. Hey, do you remember that thing between the American Revolution and now? Here’s a hint: 1861-1865. 600,000+ Americans killed. No? Ron, you’re basically saying it’s very American for Americans to kill 600,000 other Americans. I’d like to congratulate you on your most warped distortion to date in order to make the world fit into your rigid and hilarious views. I wish you luck with your idea that a secession from the union held together by the Constitution is constitutional and “American.”

Finally, some extraordinary Iraqi Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last week, I also discussed how Iraq is getting their gay killing hat on. This week we learn the horrifying measures Iraqis are taking to kill gays. Prepare to vomit.

'Iraqi militias have deployed an unprecedented form of torture against homosexuals by using a very strong glue that will close their anus.'

Oh, God, I don’t like where this is going.

After they glue the anuses of homosexuals, they give them a drink that causes diarrhea. Since the anus is closed, the diarrhea causes death.

Hi, worst thing ever, my name is FearTheReaper. One would think such a heinous act would not be something that would be taped and go viral. One would be wrong.

Videos of this form of torture are being distributed on mobile cell phones in Iraq.'

Because that’s something you want in your pocket. Iraq, you are totally handling freedom well.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


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