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  • FRIDAY APRIL 24 2009 6:00 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #94

It is time for you to put on your best pair of golashes to spelunk through the Asshole Fuckfaces. For you, it’s just a good time and a way to make yourself feel better about your loathsome life by making fun of others. For me, it’s deadly serious. I practice the ancient religion of No Fuckish. We No Fuckacarians believe if the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are not exposed, Vlad the Impaler will rise from the dead and slaughter everyone. So, my fellow Fuckacarians and I must scour the Earth each week looking for Asshole Fuckfaces to drag into the light.

First up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

What kind of person are you if you use your power to make a criminal act legal while criminals help you to attain an even more powerful position, which is a criminal act that is being illegally taped via the criminal act you are trying to help make legal? You’re an Asshole Fuckface, of course. After all, that is what this article is about.

Jane Harmon, a Democrat from Torrance, California, is not only an Asshole Fuckface, but could also be jackass of the decade.

Rep. Jane Harman, the California Democrat with a longtime involvement in intelligence issues, was overheard on an NSA wiretap telling a suspected Israeli agent that she would lobby the Justice Department to reduce espionage-related charges against two officials of the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee, the most powerful pro-Israel organization in Washington.

Harman was recorded saying she would “waddle into” the AIPAC case “if you think it’ll make a difference,” according to two former senior national security officials familiar with the NSA transcript.



That’s some nice work. Just another American lawmaker doing what she can to help another country with their American espionage problem.

In exchange for Harman’s help, the sources said, the suspected Israeli agent pledged to help lobby Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., then-House minority leader, to appoint Harman chair of the Intelligence Committee after the 2006 elections, which the Democrats were heavily favored to win.

Seemingly wary of what she had just agreed to, according to an official who read the NSA transcript, Harman hung up after saying, “This conversation doesn’t exist.”



Actually, Jane, IT DOES! That’s the exciting part. The phone call was recorded by the NSA using a warrantless wiretap. Of course, the Department of Justice did not pursue a criminal investigation because Jane is one of the biggest proponents of warrantless wiretapping in Congress. Welcome to the story of the worst Congressperson alive.

Because, according to three top former national security officials, Gonzales wanted Harman to be able to help defend the administration’s warrantless wiretapping program, which was about break in The New York Times and engulf the White House.

But that’s when, according to knowledgeable officials, Attorney General Gonzales intervened.

According to two officials privy to the events, Gonzales said he “needed Jane” to help support the administration’s warrantless wiretapping program, which was about to be exposed by the New York Times.



It would actually be better if Harman was innocent and was completely screwed over because she was one of the biggest defenders of the warrantless wiretapping program. She went as far as to call for prosecution of The New York Times for revealing the program. You know, the program that taped her committing a crime. Or not. The one that just taped her without a warrant.

"By the way, I deplore that leak," Harman declared moments before her comments on prosecuting the Times. "This is a very valuable foreign [intelligence] collection program. I think it is tragic that a lot of our capabilities are now [spread] across the pages of the newspapers."



Holy shit, is there a worse person in Congress? Please investigate and prosecute this Asshole Fuckface immediately.

Next up, some GOP Asshole Fuckfacery.

Republicans are so fucking stupid it is amazing. They seem to have no understanding that people write stuff down, record with video and take pictures. For years now, they have been calling Democrats out with absolute bullshit to inflame the masses, even though it is often untrue, while ignoring the fact that Republicans are often guilty of the same non-incident they are trying to create. It’s pretty enjoyable to watch.

This week they went after Barack Obama because when he met with Hugo Chavez he acted like an adult instead of an angry three-year-old. Republicans were apparently very upset that Obama smiled and shook Hugo’s hand.

Everywhere in Latin America, enemies of America are going to use the picture of Chavez smiling and being with the president as proof that Chavez is now legitimate that he is acceptable," Gingrich said.

"What I find distressing is that this administration is opposed to looking for oil offshore, but the president bows to the Saudi king, and the president is friends with Venezuela whose biggest impact on us is that they send us a lot of oil," Gingrich added.



Um. So. First up, George Bush walked around holding the Saudi king’s hand, like a schoolgirl. Second, Obama is not “friends with Venezuela.” He spoke to the man. That’s it. I speak to many people I can’t stand. It’s called being an adult. Third, Chavez is a legitimate leader and most of Latin America hates us because of all the murdering of South Americans we have supported. You should pick up a history book about Argentina sometime, Newt. Finally, here’s a photo of Republicans smiling and hanging out with America’s enemies.



I believe the kids call that “pwned,” you Asshole Fuckface. Oh, and I’d like to add a video of Obama actually laying down the law to Chavez. Wow, check out the adult doing business. That’s how it works, Newt. Also, your name is Newt. We are at a point now where the Republican's sad floundering is floundering.

Next up, some Libertarian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how crazy it was last week when the Governor of Texas hinted that his state could secede from the United States of America? Wow, that was fun. Also, it’s kind of illegal to secede, but who’s keeping track of all that legal mumbo jumbo?

Then it seemed as if the Governor Rick Perry had learned his lesson. He backed down from his crazy talk and tried to play nice. That’s when crazy, batshit, Ron “I know nothing about history” Paul stepped into the controversy.



Holy shit, what a complete and total moron. I thought he would never top his deluded and ignorant ideas about America and poverty during the early 1900’s, but he has.

It is very American to talk about secession. That's how we came in being. Thirteen colonies seceded from the British and established a new country.



Um. Hey, do you remember that thing between the American Revolution and now? Here’s a hint: 1861-1865. 600,000+ Americans killed. No? Ron, you’re basically saying it’s very American for Americans to kill 600,000 other Americans. I’d like to congratulate you on your most warped distortion to date in order to make the world fit into your rigid and hilarious views. I wish you luck with your idea that a secession from the union held together by the Constitution is constitutional and “American.”

Finally, some extraordinary Iraqi Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last week, I also discussed how Iraq is getting their gay killing hat on. This week we learn the horrifying measures Iraqis are taking to kill gays. Prepare to vomit.

'Iraqi militias have deployed an unprecedented form of torture against homosexuals by using a very strong glue that will close their anus.'



Oh, God, I don’t like where this is going.

After they glue the anuses of homosexuals, they give them a drink that causes diarrhea. Since the anus is closed, the diarrhea causes death.



Hi, worst thing ever, my name is FearTheReaper. One would think such a heinous act would not be something that would be taped and go viral. One would be wrong.

Videos of this form of torture are being distributed on mobile cell phones in Iraq.'



Because that’s something you want in your pocket. Iraq, you are totally handling freedom well.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


 

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Quella

Quella

USA
July 2008

APR 24, 2009 06:19 AM

I was listening to Jane Harman on NPR the other day, and she was incensed, denying the conversations occurred, and finally was spouting things like how dare they, and why would the NSA be tapping her calls!?!?!?

WHAT did she think authorizing warrantless wiretapping of people in the US meant????? surreal

Coyotemike

Coyotemike

USA
May 2006

APR 24, 2009 06:51 AM

Good thing we went to Iraq and saved them from their evil leader. Otherwise, they wouldn't have had the freedom to start killing their own countrymen. We sure did make things better, eh?

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

APR 24, 2009 07:55 AM

I want to know how the conversation went when they decided gluing the assholes shut and giving them the runs was a good idea...

surreal

ArtHippo

ArtHippo

Edwardsville, KS
December 2007

APR 24, 2009 10:23 AM

mydogfarted said:
I want to know how the conversation went when they decided gluing the assholes shut and giving them the runs was a good idea...

surreal



For some reason whenever I try to picture how the conversation went, the Iraqis always have southern accents and wear NASCAR t-shirts.

I can't imagine why....

FellOnEarth

FellOnEarth

Temecula, CA
April 2006

APR 24, 2009 10:41 AM

Wow, Ron Paul has a pretty small mind about such matters, we live in the UNITED STATES of America, it makes me wonder what kind of country he thinks he's living in. Perhaps a Coalition of Independent minded States. Hmm, lesse. CIS, oh shit, that's the Confederacy! There's nothing healthy or American talking openly about rebellion and secession, it's simply retarded. And what's this about the American currency failure he keeps alluding to, unregulated free-market principles are what's gotten this country into the shit hole we're in now. Now that the effluent of greed has caused the system to back-up, the political turds of our time have come bobbing up to the surface as if they had no responsibility at all for causing this situation. Disgusting.

I've been watching the Harman issue pretty closely and she's really wrapped herself up tight in saran wrap trying to keep any of the crap that's been thrown her way from sticking. Problem is, despite the amount of shit that's being sprayed her direction, we can all can still see who's trying to hide behind all that cling wrap. Likely, she'll just be able to just peel off all that patina of dried feces and leave a lovely mold for others to admire yet remain completely untouched. Meanwhile, the guts of the case that's related to Haman being under the microscope are busy getting ripped out because the Gonzo Department of Injustice did such a lousy job of being just. So, the AIPAC employees may go free, Harman gets to take a bite of a shit sandwich in the media and congress still gets swept up in a storm over the torture memos (what did you think it was unrelated)?

In all fairness, if you look at the reported timeline of events, Harman agreed to look into the AIPAC issue before any quid pro quo arrangements were brokered, and once they were she got off the phone pretty quickly. It may not sound like much to most, but it would mean she committed no wrongdoing and the whole event is much ado about nothing. I guess it'll all come out in the wash since she's asked AG Holder to release the tapes along with unredacted transcripts, but we'll see...

It's beyond inhuman what's being done to the gay Iraqis, words cannot describe the level of disgust I feel. How on earth could someone do this to another human being? Still though, when I remember we have cops that sodomize people with their nightsticks, this type of shit doesn't surprise me. Sadistic bastards, we should invade their country and put an end to these heinous crimes against humanity... Oh fuck. Good times too if you happen to be an Iranian pilgrim in Iraq and like going out to eat or visiting holy shrines.

gingerbread

gingerbread

Seattle, WA
January 2008

APR 24, 2009 11:14 AM

thanks for making me hate caring ftr.

PortlandMusician

PortlandMusician

Beaverton, OR
September 2008

APR 24, 2009 11:23 AM

im actually speechless at this weeks fuckfacery. People are disgusting. It's not even funny this week, it just makes me want to kill some of these people. mad

pagnaet

pagnaet

Amarillo, TX
March 2005

APR 24, 2009 12:41 PM

FellOnEarth said:
There's nothing healthy or American talking openly about rebellion and secession, it's simply retarded.



Yes. The American Way is to shut up and do as your told. Your Government has everything under control. Including you. I dont agree with secession, but at what point IS it American to stop and say, "WTF?!" Dont worry, by that time, they will have taken away that right, too.

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

APR 24, 2009 01:05 PM

FellOnEarth said:
There's nothing healthy or American talking openly about rebellion and secession, it's simply retarded.


that is absolutely and positively untrue. Thomas Jefferson, for instance, has at least one quote on the topic that shows strong support for the idea of threatening the government with armed, open rebellion if it ceases to represent the people.

FellOnEarth

FellOnEarth

Temecula, CA
April 2006

APR 24, 2009 05:00 PM

pagnaet said:

FellOnEarth said:
There's nothing healthy or American talking openly about rebellion and secession, it's simply retarded.



Yes. The American Way is to shut up and do as your told. Your Government has everything under control. Including you. I dont agree with secession, but at what point IS it American to stop and say, "WTF?!" Dont worry, by that time, they will have taken away that right, too.


motorfirebox said:
that is absolutely and positively untrue. Thomas Jefferson, for instance, has at least one quote on the topic that shows strong support for the idea of threatening the government with armed, open rebellion if it ceases to represent the people.


OK, fine. You guys both have made your points, however, is this really the time to be making such comments? Sure, if the government started to become an oppressive regime that restricted and imprisoned its citizens for speaking out or exercising their rights, then perhaps dissolution of the Union might not be such a bad idea.

However, this is hardly the case and having Governors, Senators and Representatives are crying wolf; when they bandy about ideas of secession when no such threat against the populace exists, it is unhealthy and foolish. Inciting such hysteria and stoking anger among people for reasons that are really beyond most of their grasp is retarded.

The strength of a democracy depends upon the will of the people, a majority of the people expressed their will and if those who lost want to indulge themselves in a highly imaginative persecution complex, then by all means, they can and should. However, calling for secession because they don't like the outcome of a fair an honest election is retarded.

Perhaps among some of the more paranoid citizens, they already perceive the Government as an all-controlling entity to be feared. Thus, their every move is carefully considered, every effort directed towards resisting the "evil" government until one day, their every fantasy is realized in a self-fulfilling prophecy once the man comes to collect on unpaid taxes... To them "sic semper tyrannis" and secession are the rallying cries of resistance, and they are also retarded.

CatholicBoy

CatholicBoy

New Orleans, LA
April 2009

APR 24, 2009 05:05 PM

Oh, poor Jane!

Actually, I have heard conflicting stories on this Harman wiretap; some sources I've seen claim the conversation was recorded via a FISA wiretapping warrant, which is technically "legal." Then again, even if it was conducted with a FISA warrant, exactly how many warrants has the FISA court —a secret panel that meets in an undisclosed location— ever refused to grant?

The FISA court may be the biggest bunch of lapdogs in the federal government, even worse than the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. The court approved almost every one of the 15,000 search-warrant requests the feds submitted between 1978 and 2002, and continues to approve more than 99 percent of requests.
FISA provides a judicial process only in the sense that the room where the political appointees convene is called a “court.”



http://www.fff.org/freedom/fd0603c.asp

This is what's so retarded about Bush and the rest of them: they already had a mechanism in place to spy on Americans for the flimsiest of pretexts, but somehow this wasn't fucked-up enough for them. Their evil is the injury. Their stupidity is the insult.

As for Dr. Paul, I have friends who remain drooling fanboys of his because he wants to decriminalize cannabis. They are one-issue voters who couldn't reason their way out of a wet paper bag. I get tired of yelling at them.

The Iraq thing is just . . . wow.

FreakForLife

FreakForLife

I'm lost
January 2009

APR 24, 2009 06:34 PM

To the sum total of all of these arguments-
While I do agree with the points herein made, I would just like to point out that, under the Texas constitution and the terms with which Texas joined the United States, Texas does in fact have the right to secede. No, it wouldn't be American and no, it doesn't make much sense, but it is the only state that is provided that right.
So, while Rick Perry is in fact somewhat brain-damaged, he isn't entirely so in that regard.
...
Also, I'm very curious as to see what Iraq will come up with for lesbians.

gdarklighter

gdarklighter

San Diego, CA
August 2005

APR 24, 2009 06:48 PM

FreakForLife said:
To the sum total of all of these arguments-
While I do agree with the points herein made, I would just like to point out that, under the Texas constitution and the terms with which Texas joined the United States, Texas does in fact have the right to secede. No, it wouldn't be American and no, it doesn't make much sense, but it is the only state that is provided that right.
So, while Rick Perry is in fact somewhat brain-damaged, he isn't entirely so in that regard.
...
Also, I'm very curious as to see what Iraq will come up with for lesbians.


That's incorrect. Texas only has the right to split into 5 smaller states.

hellboy7

hellboy7

Austin, TX
July 2004

APR 24, 2009 07:59 PM

Here is some more info on Texas and the idea of secession:

Texas Secede

If it ever happens. it better be for the right reason. Unfortunately, this is mostly empty rhetoric to fan the flames of the ignorant and stupid into voting for two parties who have no intention of helping anyone but themselves to solidify their own power structures and means of continual public/private funding. puke

Ya, I am pointing at the Libertarian and Republican party leaders. Real Texans don't fall for party line bullshit and shenanigans. Shenanigans!! Shenanigans!! Take yer tea bags and shove it.

FreakForLife

FreakForLife

I'm lost
January 2009

APR 24, 2009 08:57 PM

I'm sorry, I did re-do my research, and no, Texas no longer has any right to secede- but then, there hasn't ever been a secession that hasn't been the equivalent of countries throwing tantrums.
I did so want to defend my governor.
I can't agree that Republicans as a whole are fucking idiots, though... as the article itself points out, there are Democratic fuckfaces, too, and all Democrats aren't considered fuckfaces. Why do the republicans get the term?

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