Asshole Fuckface Roundup log.

Friday, April 17th, 2009. Have been searching for days. Losing sleep, energy and sexual stamina. Located several candidates. List narrowed. Asshole Fuckfaces selected. Feel dirty. Begged for death to take me. Bore down. Got through it. Will now present AFR. Feels like giving birth.

First up, some amazing Texas style Asshole Fuckfacery.

Texas, I have a quick question: What in the fuck is wrong with you? Do you ever elect governors who are not complete and total idiots? This week, Texas governor Rick Perry decided his state should back out of this whole US of A experiment.

Weird you didn’t do that when Bush was using The Constitution as toilet paper. These people are so transparent and moronic it is amazing. He literally said Texas is “under the threat of tyrants.” Actually, I think it's under the threat of asshats. I believe we should show Rick what it is like to live under a tyrant. Let’s throw Rick in prison, kill his family and burn down his house. Hell, let’s use mustard gas and kill his entire hometown. Also, we should build a 100 foot gold statue of Lord Barack Obama in his anus. Or, we could lower taxes for people making under $250,000 a year, because that's what "tyrant Obama" is doing.

Yesterday, he took it even further and hinted at secession.

While he made that statement, the crowd chanted, "Secede, secede, secede." Yeah, so, that’s illegal. But, I would have no problem with Texas going its own way.

Grow up, morons. You look really, really fucking stupid using this kind of language and making these kind of bills. On the other hand, congrats on being so wrapped up in your own party and ideology that you don’t see the vast majority of Americans will think you are bat shit crazy. Consider your national career hopes over.

Next up, can Asshole Fuckfaces become worse? Yes, they can.

You may recall two weeks ago, in Asshole Fuckface Roundup #91, when I wrote of the Afghanistan government’s new law that legalized the rape of women and girls. This week, those horrible humans took it up a notch. One hundred brave women gathered in Kabul to protest the new rape law this week. Naturally, that didn’t go over well with the pro-rape group. (Pro-rape groups tend to be sort of rigid.)

So, that’s working out well. Obviously, Afghanistan has a super bright future. That’s all I can take away from this incident in which women against being raped were stoned and threatened with death by the pro-rape folks.

Next up, some Congressional Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s really great when a Democrat and a Republican come together to propose something horrible. This week it was revealed perennial Asshole Fuckface Democratic Senator Jay Rockefeller and Republican Olympia Snowe have authored the Cybersecurity Act of 2009. It’s a really great bill that will allow the federal government to shut down the Internet during times of “declared emergency.” Taking away people’s best source of information and a main communication tool is always the best way to not cause a panic during an emergency.

Sounds great. I feel safer already. Also, could you turn off my phones, shut down my television and stop my radio from babbling?

Hmmm. I guess I was overreacting. Up until you said, “traffic lights” I thought you were out of your mind. I was actually hoping you guys had some sort of security system set up for the water and electricity stuff, but I guess the idea is to just flip a switch and freak America out, causing riots and madness in the streets. Good call.

Finally, some trees are Asshole Fuckfaces. You read that right.

Not many men have the balls to take on trees for their Asshole Fuckface behavior. I’m probably going to get into trouble with the Tree Guild, but I don’t give a shit. This is a story people need to know about.

Artyom Sidorkin, a 28-year-old Russian, went to the hospital this week because he was having horrible chest pain and spitting up blood. (Why do I think that’s how long most Russians wait to go to the hospital?) Doctors gave Artyom an x-ray and found a tumor in his lungs. Bummer. They quickly scheduled a biopsy. That’s when it turned into an episode of the X-Files.

This is the last fucking thing we need. With all the shit going on in the world, we don’t need trees to start growing inside of us -- especially in our lungs.

We are all going to die. Or end up as Ents.

Fuck.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper