Hello, minions. After a week absence, I have returned. I apologize for not being there for you on Tuesday. An Asshole Fuckface entered my right eustachian tube and felled me for a couple of days. It was touch and go, almost perished and all that stuff. But now I am alive again and my eustachian tube is popping and pain free, which means the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are quivering in their boots because they are about to be exposed. So, grab your favorite antibiotic because this is going to be messy.

First up, some religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces made a public service announcement against gay marriage. It’s a delightful piece of art.



Holy shit. Their “freedom will be taken away.” They are going to be locked in dungeons and fed dung beetles. That’s just one result of gays marrying. Also, that poor doctor has to choose between doing her job the way she wants or letting gay people live. How fucked up is that?

How terrible is it that a mother has to send her kids to a school in which teachers actually teach students that gay people are not an abomination? What kind of world are we living in? And why aren't there any religious schools for her to send her child to? And why wouldn't a woman so devoted to her crazy religious beliefs that she would appear in an ad send her kid to a private school? Indeed, why wouldn't she home school her spawn so she can properly pass on her crazy unfiltered beliefs?

That other girl says she “will have no choice.” That’s right. You didn’t know this but she is going to be forced to marry a woman and engage in oral sex for the rest of her life. The gays are coming people, and they are coming like a storm. It’s going to be raining cocks (on men) and vaginas (on women).

What’s next? People marrying dogs? Yes, actually, that is next. We’ve already started fucking them in preparation for the groundbreaking dog marriage bill of 2012. After that, we are going to want to marry badgers, panthers, and sofas. You think we are destroying marriage now, wait until I marry my carpet. A storm is coming indeed.

Next, some of our anti-gay friends spiritual Asshole Fuckfaces are busy in Iraq.

Remember when we liberated Iraq? How awesome was that? Not awesome for gay people, apparently.

Who would have thought “liberating” religious extremists living in the birthplace of the Shiite religion would lead to something horrible?

And it’s not just street killings. It seems the wonderful Iraqi government has decided to execute gays for being, well, gay.

Good times. Hope you are enjoying your freedom.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface advice from Texas.

Ah, Texas, you do not let me down. Look, I understand it’s hard being super white and stupid, especially in today’s world, with all of these foreign types coming in and walking around like they own the place. Obviously, there are solutions to help the super white. Texas State Representative Betty Brown unveiled one this week.

Yes. Please. Look, it’s hard being an old, white lady who was raised around names like Jones, Stephens and Blake to suddenly be looking at a name like Dat Si Cho. How about you change that name to Dan Milford? America just became a little bit easier, did it not?

Makes a lot of sense.

Next up, some Democratic Party Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how Harry Reid is the biggest, most spineless, waste of space ever to walk the halls of Congress? Remember how Harry allowed Joe Lieberman to remain Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, even after he spoke at the Republican National Convention and called Obama all sorts of names? Remember when Joe allowed George Bush to do whatever the fuck he wanted while he was Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee and Democrats said he should be removed this year because he’s an Asshole Fuckface who will screw with Obama’s agenda? And then Harry let him stay?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Harry Reid should be waterboarded.

Finally, I save the worst Asshole Fuckface conduct for last. There is something horrible happening in America and many are not even aware of it. It is growing in strength every week and may soon become a serious threat to our daily life.

It is called Adam Lambert. It is a contestant on American Idol. It is being hailed as the greatest find in American Idol history. Here you can watch it rape a Rolling Stones song.



How happy would Andrew Lloyd Webber be with that? I believe doing a gay musical version of any Rolling Stones song is a crime against humanity. Sadly, it cannot be stopped. The judges on American Idol apparently jerk off every time it takes the stage. It’s like watching an asteroid heading towards Earth. We will all suffer – particularly those of us with young daughters.

Daughtry was bad enough, this is unforgivable.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper