Asshole Fuckface Roundup #91

Here we are again, my legion. The time has come for the latest horrifying installment of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. While there are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces than the construction workers who begin pounding away on my neighbor's duplex at 7:30 am, I still found a few for you to mock and hate. So, put on your thickest butcher apron, because this is going to be hideous.

First up, some Afghani Asshole Fuckfacism.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai signed an exciting new law this week. It’s delightfully barbaric!

The new Shia Family Law negates the need for sexual consent between married couples, tacitly approves child marriage and restricts a woman's right to leave the home.

So, let’s break that down. First up, you can rape your wife. Second, you can rape your nine-year-old wife. Third, you can rape your nine-year-old wife and then lock her up in the kitchen. Wow, that’s some serious progress. Thank God the Taliban is gone.

Turns out he signed the law because of politics. It’s called “compromise.” Sorry, it's called, "child rape compromise."

Critics claim the president helped rush the bill through parliament in a bid to appease Islamic fundamentalists ahead of elections in August.

Whatever. It's going to be a great campaign.


Lawmakers who opposed the bill were threatened and harassed, which is really surprising from a group of guys who are pro-child rape.

Senator Humeira Namati claimed it wasn't even read out in the Upper House, let alone debated, before it was passed to the Supreme Court. "They accused me of being an unbeliever," she said.

Consider me an unbeliever, you know, because I don’t believe in legalizing rape. I’m weird that way. Also, I’m not an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, a little pollster Asshole Fuckfacery.

Rasmussen Reports has become the biggest joke of all our great American polling companies. Recently, they decided to just poll for Republicans. Apparently, they thought Zogby was hoarding all the sweet right wing lunacy polling and they want in on the action. Over the past year, their polls have bordered on the absurd and now they have gone a bit further –- by polling people a topic that is not real.

Eighty-eight percent (88%) of Americans say it is important for the dollar to remain the currency of the United States, including 70% who say it is Very Important.

Only three percent (3%) say it is not at all important if the dollar remains America’s currency, according to a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey.

Um. When did we decide to start polling shit from Revelations? I’d also like to know how many Americans believe it is important for Obama to cover his robes in lamb's blood.

“…and he provides that no one will be able to buy or to sell, except the one who has the mark, either the name of the beast or the number of his name.” (Rev. 13:17)

Holy shit! Rasmussen, get on this! Seriously, though, we should be thanking Rasmussen for polling Americans on shit that is completely not real. I am also concerned about whether or not my neighbor should be allowed to own a dragon, maybe Rasmussen can get on that.

The pollster actually admitted the issue was distorted because of the questions asked.

"At issue is not replacing the money in Americans' wallets but what currency will be the world standard against which all other monies are measured."

Huh. Well, that would be an entirely different question, one that isn’t in the wacky last part of the Bible that was written by an isolated lunatic on an island and considered heresy for hundreds of years by many, until Augustine of Hippo officially put it in the Bible in 394.

Scott Rasmussen told TPM. "I was really curious where the suspicion level was going to be on this particular question.”

Yes. You’re doing a fantastic job making it seem like something that is not real is real.

Next up, some good old election theft Asshole Fuckfacery.

Now remember, there’s no way any elections were stolen over the past ten years. It just couldn’t happen. If you think it has happened, you are a conspiracy nut who knows how to interpret exit polls and can read.

Five Clay County officials, including the circuit court judge, the county clerk, and election officers were arrested Thursday after they were indicted on federal charges accusing them of using corrupt tactics to obtain political power and personal gain.

That’s Clay County, Kentucky, the birthplace of the word “Cornhole.”

According to the indictment, these alleged criminal actions affected the outcome of federal, local, and state primary and general elections in 2002, 2004, and 2006.

Oh, noes! How shocking.

These Asshole Fuckfaces are accused of acts of extortion, mail fraud, bribery, perjury, buying votes and changing votes in the electronic voting machines. Can you believe it? Election workers actually changing votes in electronic voting machines? Who would believe such a thing could occur in America?

Thank God the media picked up this story, because, you know, our system of government is built upon democracy. Move along, nothing to see here.

Finally, some sweet baby making Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard for some people to accept that their baby making days are over. Even though you may already have a child, you could want another one to come out of your vagina. It’s pretty great, from what I understand. Sometimes, there is a perfect solution to your problem.

Police say a mother drugged her 13-year-old daughter so the woman's boyfriend could get the girl pregnant.

Nice. It’s called problem solving, you assholes. Why all the judgment? All she did was drug her daughter, so her boyfriend could rape her to make a baby. What’s wrong with that – besides everything?

A detective says Brown and her 40-year-old boyfriend, Duane Calloway, attempted to impregnate the girl on three occasions. He says the girl prevented the rapes.

If anyone deserves another kid, it’s Shana Brown. This coming Christmas at the Brown house is going to be weird. There may be some trust issues.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper


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