Here we are again, my legion. The time has come for the latest horrifying installment of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. While there are no greater Asshole Fuckfaces than the construction workers who begin pounding away on my neighbor's duplex at 7:30 am, I still found a few for you to mock and hate. So, put on your thickest butcher apron, because this is going to be hideous.

First up, some Afghani Asshole Fuckfacism.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai signed an exciting new law this week. It’s delightfully barbaric!

So, let’s break that down. First up, you can rape your wife. Second, you can rape your nine-year-old wife. Third, you can rape your nine-year-old wife and then lock her up in the kitchen. Wow, that’s some serious progress. Thank God the Taliban is gone.

Turns out he signed the law because of politics. It’s called “compromise.” Sorry, it's called, "child rape compromise."

Whatever. It's going to be a great campaign.

Karzai ’09: Child Rape and Forced Captivity.

Lawmakers who opposed the bill were threatened and harassed, which is really surprising from a group of guys who are pro-child rape.

Consider me an unbeliever, you know, because I don’t believe in legalizing rape. I’m weird that way. Also, I’m not an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, a little pollster Asshole Fuckfacery.

Rasmussen Reports has become the biggest joke of all our great American polling companies. Recently, they decided to just poll for Republicans. Apparently, they thought Zogby was hoarding all the sweet right wing lunacy polling and they want in on the action. Over the past year, their polls have bordered on the absurd and now they have gone a bit further –- by polling people a topic that is not real.

Um. When did we decide to start polling shit from Revelations? I’d also like to know how many Americans believe it is important for Obama to cover his robes in lamb's blood.

Holy shit! Rasmussen, get on this! Seriously, though, we should be thanking Rasmussen for polling Americans on shit that is completely not real. I am also concerned about whether or not my neighbor should be allowed to own a dragon, maybe Rasmussen can get on that.

The pollster actually admitted the issue was distorted because of the questions asked.

Huh. Well, that would be an entirely different question, one that isn’t in the wacky last part of the Bible that was written by an isolated lunatic on an island and considered heresy for hundreds of years by many, until Augustine of Hippo officially put it in the Bible in 394.

Yes. You’re doing a fantastic job making it seem like something that is not real is real.

Next up, some good old election theft Asshole Fuckfacery.

Now remember, there’s no way any elections were stolen over the past ten years. It just couldn’t happen. If you think it has happened, you are a conspiracy nut who knows how to interpret exit polls and can read.

That’s Clay County, Kentucky, the birthplace of the word “Cornhole.”

Oh, noes! How shocking.

These Asshole Fuckfaces are accused of acts of extortion, mail fraud, bribery, perjury, buying votes and changing votes in the electronic voting machines. Can you believe it? Election workers actually changing votes in electronic voting machines? Who would believe such a thing could occur in America?

Thank God the media picked up this story, because, you know, our system of government is built upon democracy. Move along, nothing to see here.

Finally, some sweet baby making Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard for some people to accept that their baby making days are over. Even though you may already have a child, you could want another one to come out of your vagina. It’s pretty great, from what I understand. Sometimes, there is a perfect solution to your problem.

Nice. It’s called problem solving, you assholes. Why all the judgment? All she did was drug her daughter, so her boyfriend could rape her to make a baby. What’s wrong with that – besides everything?

If anyone deserves another kid, it’s Shana Brown. This coming Christmas at the Brown house is going to be weird. There may be some trust issues.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper