The time has come for you to absorb the hideous actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. It is a horrible bunch of horribles. Many of my minions ask how I came up with the name Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It was a difficult and eye opening process. Several other names made the final list, before my mommy and I chose Asshole Fuckface Roundup. The list included such gems as: Douchebag Fucknuts Encapsulation, Asshat Cunterman Digest, Fuckbag Shitmonster Review, Ballsac Sphincterface Wrap Up, and the Bad People Compilation. As you can see, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup just flows off the tongue better than the others. And here we are, me writing about the worst people on the Earth this week and you preparing your leather apron and plastic Dutch hat for the reading. Get that hat on, because this shit is starting now.

First up, some bankster babytown Asshole Fuckfacery.

Nothing is more glorious that hearing the Asshole Fuckfaces at AIG act like they are victims of some horrible common people anger. Poor little babies. Did you help to destroy our economy and now people are mad at you? Aw. First we were allowed to read an email from Class A Asshole Fuckface Jake DeSantis. He was an executive vice president of the American International Group’s financial products unit, you know, the unit that made all the bad deals, destroying the company.

Hey, Fuckface, don’t bring up the closing of steel mills and teachers while whining about persecution from Congress and Americans. Those are the people you and your kind ruined and have been sucking the life out of for years. Just go back to your throne of gold and figure out other ways to ruin the economy.

Take that shit back to babytown and file it under "Fuck off." I’d rather not have anyone working for a dollar, you know, because when you guys were working for a lot of money you destroyed the company. I can’t imagine what you’d do when receiving no compensation.

Oh, and the American dream shit? Fuck you. In the old days, a graduate of MIT would get a job at a company that actually PRODUCED something. You make money off of money, and jackoffs like you, who all jumped into the financial world, helped to unbalance the system. You are parasites, making money off of the common man. Please, go try to find a job in the financial sector right now. Today. Good luck. Or, now that you are out in the real world, try actually doing something worthwhile with your life.

And then some AIG Asshole Fuckface in London, you know, the office that CREATED THE DISASTER, asked the British government to look into whether or not asking for him to VOLUNTARILY return his bonus was extortion.

Um, yeah. Let’s not comment on the part where you Asshole Fuckfaces put that little thing into the unregulated contracts that forces AIG to pay banks a shitload of money if you don’t get your bonuses. That’s totally not extortion. You are a rapist. A rapist of mankind. Go perish.

Next up, hot dog Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard being an Orthodox Jew and finding Kosher food. I should know, when I lived in New York I worked in a small, family owned, gourmet food store. To get that little Kosher seal of approval from a Rabbi, the owners had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars and then the Rabbi would never come to check to make sure everything was Kosher. It was a racket! How surprising.

This week, the racket was exposed at the Shawarma King restaurant in Brooklyn. A Rabbi and a customer were checking out the hot dogs on the grill, when they realized the dogs were not Kosher. OH SHIT!

MOTHERFUCKER!

The worker pulled out an electric knife to defend himself from the angry horde of religious extremists.

Yeah, get him! Kill the bastard! God damned wrong hot dogger!

Yes, keep pretending it’s real and swim in your money.

Next up, a little Conservative Asshole Fuckfacery.

Burt Prelutsky is a guy I had never heard of until yesterday. He is apparently a spectacular Asshole Fuckface. This week, Burt dug deep down into his brain and put together some stuff for the idiots to enjoy. Burt decided to go after Michelle Obama, because, you know, she’s there.

Oh, so you don’t lay off of spouses because you can find a ridiculous loophole for anyone. Good to know, liar.

Do go on.

Oh, snap! You clever bastard! Step your shit aside, dead Mark Twain, America has a new bestest satirist. A white guy calling a successful black woman a bitch! BAM! Michelle Obama is a bitch! Why? Well, because the right wing made a bunch of shit up and now they get to pretend it’s real. Oh, and Jesus would be proud of his American Christian following. This is soooo something Jesus would have said.

Finally, some police officer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ryan Moats is an NFL running back who plays for the Houston Somethings (I don’t follow the NFL, it sucks). Moats had a bad week. His mother-in-law was on her deathbed on Thursday. The family had gone home to get some rest, but was told to rush back to the hospital because she was about to die. Moats, his wife, her grandfather and an aunt jumped into his SUV and headed back.

Moats rolled through a red light after the only other car waved him through, because he had his hazard lights on. That’s when Asshole Fuckface Officer Robert Powell came into the picture. He pulled Moats over – after he had parked in the hospital parking lot. Then he pulled out his gun and pointed it. You know, because there was a bunch of black people in a nice car.

They explained that her mother was dying, but Powell was more concerned with the serious red light situation. He told them to stay put, but Tamishia and her aunt went into the hospital anyway. Moats and his father-in-law remained behind with the Asshole Fuckface. They continued to explain the situation and then just began asking for the ticket so they could go inside.

Yeah, it’s weird the way people want to get going WHEN SOMEONE IS DYING.

Quality policing. Hospital security guards came and tried to explain the situation to Powell. No luck. Then a nurse came down to explain it to the Asshole Fuckface. He then gave Moats his ticket -- and then continued to lecture him.

Nice work. Powell has been removed from active duty and is now working dispatch. And investigation is being conducted and according to Lt. Andy Harvey,

What a shock. I would think a cop who stopped a man from being at his mother-in-laws bedside while she was dying would be well mannered.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper