Here we are. I know, it has been an entire week of desperate waiting. Fear not, the moment you yearned for has arrived. It’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup time. I’ve been wading through this shit for a week and it takes its toll. I am drained, weak, saddened and very much in need of a meatloaf sandwich on sourdough. I had an exciting week; having learned my new neighbor is an Asshole Fuckface. He hired a drug dealer as a contractor, took out insurance and then, the very next day, burned a couple of rooms down in his duplex by piling rags on a floor heater. Go figure. One plus one equals obvious. But he’s just a tiny, local Asshole Fuckface! I’ve scoured the earth and discovered the worst of the worst, so put on your best plastic moo moo because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some tough guy Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chuck Norris was a sad excuse for an action hero. Now he’s a sad excuse of a human. Oh, and he’s completely insane. Chuck penned an article this week for World Net Daily. It’s pretty fantastic, as it is a classic example of the ramblings of a madman. Ordinarily, a man like Chuck would be milling about in an alley, explaining these theories to a box, but since Chuck was once the poor man’s Steven Segal, he gets to write it down and say it on the radio.

Oh, do tell. And not the part about how Texas becomes its own nation –– the part where you win an election. Even Texas is not that stupid.

Wait. Um. Okay. I think I got that.

Huh. Why do I think your version of an American Revolution includes a handmaid, whose legs you thrust your sweaty body between while holding your wife’s hands?

Did you seriously just use the term “Right wing cells?” That’s awesome, mostly because “cells” are what killed thousands of Americans on 9/11. But, by all means, take that term and fucking run with it. It's all yours, rebel.

Lighten up. You’re a pathetic, washed up, Hollywood action hero. During a revolution, your stupidity would probably not be a valued commodity. And your karate skills would not work so great against an assault rifle. And no, I won’t link to WorldNetDaily (hit Buzzflash, who reposted the pertinent excerpts, if you need a source).

Next up, the first Asshole Fuckface fight club.

Thankfully, we don’t have to leave Texas to find our next Asshole Fuckfaces. Corpus Christi State School is a Texas residential facility that houses disabled young men. Obvious, if one were an Asshole Fuckface caring for disabled young men, one would start a fight club.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that is wrong.

Ha ha! I’m laughing so hard –– but that’s only because I don’t have a soul.

First rule of fight club: You're going to prison. I would also like to recommend a fight club to the death.

Next up, some Catholic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Sometimes we face very tough decisions in life. It must be tough for the big wigs of the Catholic Church because they have to make decisions that will effect whether someone gets to go to heaven, or some shit. They are like gatekeepers, who don’t have sex, except with the occasional boy, and they live a sweet, pampered life in a special city. It’s a bitch. Also, they are all men and have never been pregnant and can’t comprehend giving birth, or dying during childbirth, or the many complicated aspects of carrying a child, so they make harsh rules about abortion. It has nothing to do with them not being able to have a child, or sex.

Anyway, this week an awesome Archbishop of Brazil, named Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, faced a very tough choice: Be one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time, or not. He went with the first one.

Yes, read that correctly. The Catholic Church would very much like a nine-year-old girl, who was raped by her stepfather, to carry the twins to full term –– even if it would kill her.

The Church, of course, has the back of the archbishop.

Totally. The girl is supposed to die, unfortunately, at the age of nine, after being raped by her stepfather, so she could produce two motherless children, who would grow up knowing they were responsible for their mother’s death, so she could get into heaven. Thems the breaks.

Somebody better call the PR guys.

Finally, a plethora of Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Where to start with these amazing fucking idiots. Oh, I know, John Boehner.

Yes. During the worst economic crisis of our lifetime, the thing to do is to stop spending money. Everyone should stop spending. Government, the peoples, everyone. Because economies always do well when no one is spending money. That’s not at all the worst idea and won’t at all lead to the worst possible scenario. This guy is the most powerful Republican. Holy shit.

Next up, Boehner’s underling, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor.

Right. Because people losing their jobs and becoming uninsured will not at all have a negative effect on the already terrible economy. Heathcare is not one of the reasons we are suffering. Healthcare and the economy are totally unrelated. This guy is the second most powerful Republican in the House. Holy shit.

Next up, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina. You may have heard of South Carolina. It is #2 in unemployment, currently at an exciting 10.4%. So, what to do with that stimulus?

Yay! Check you out! Taking a stand based on no economic understanding!

I don’t want the money, but I don’t have any other ideas! Reform government! It’s bad. Make it good! This guy is running the state of South Carolina. Holy shit.

They actually don’t know a thing about economics. Hey kids, there are no monetary fixes because you and your peeps fucked everything up. The interest rates are at zero. The dollar is not worth a whole lot. All you’ve got left is debt. Welcome to what you created.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper