Smell that? That’s the smell of Asshole Fuckfaces. It kind of smells like someone opened up a pig’s anus and inserted hate. It’s not pleasant at all. Now you understand my suffering. I spend my week knee deep in this nonsense for you. Someday I’ll just snap and take a few of you out. But until that time, I mine the world for the worst of the worst. I then present them to you for mocking and scorn, which you seem to have mastered quite well. So, put on your favorite rubber sheet because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some past president Asshole Fuckfacery.

George W. Bush. Don’t expect that name to disappear from the Roundup for a long, long time. For the next few years, we will be wading through his plethora of heinous and criminal acts. This week, we learned of some very disturbing Bush activities, though it was not at all surprising. Would you be surprised to know a rat gnawed on the eyeball of a corpse? Well, you shouldn’t be, especially around my house. Same goes for the activities of one George Asshole Fuckface Bush.

Fuck yeah! Why not? Let’s tear this fucker up! Someone attacked us, we don’t know who it is, so it’s a government free for all! Weeeeeee.

Goddamn press and their dirty reporting. First thing we need to do to save the country is to get rid of that horrible number one thing the Founding Father put on that stupid Constitution thingy.

Timely. Thanks for getting around to that.

Remember all those “crazy conspiracy nuts” you were making fun of because they kept talking about Bush giving himself the power to declare martial law and take over the country? Well, they were saying that because Bush was giving himself the power to declare martial law and take over the country. How about that? Now go apologize, you dick.

John Yoo, one of America’s greatest Asshole Fuckfaces. Disbar the fuck and fire him from UC Berkeley, immediately.

Next up, more Republican Asshole Fuckfacing.

Let’s face it, the Republican Party is so full of duplicitous hypocrites it is astounding. There is no end to their shocking activities and shameless threats. This week, they rolled out an epic warning, so staggering in its audaciousness, it should be framed and put in the Smithsonian in the “What the fuck?” wing.

First, lets climb into the old time machine and go waaaaaay back to 2004. Republicans were running the show and they wanted to do things their way – all the time. They especially didn’t like the Democrats keeping Bush’s radical right wing judges from receiving Congressional approval.

Yes. The “nuclear option.”

TYRANNY! Those motherfuckers were using their powers given to them by The Constitution to stop extremists from being put on the bench! How fucking dare they!

The Republican majority never used the nuclear option, mostly because using the talking point was more effective politically than altering the way Congress works to approve 4.3% of Bush’s nominees. But now the crazy Asshole Fuckfaces are the loser party and well, they are Republicans...

Wait. What? Did I just drink seven bottles of tequila? Are these crazy fucks, who are vastly outnumbered in the Senate, actually telling the president to pick the last Asshole Fuckface’s nominees?

Um. No. Welcome to not winning.

I don’t….they….but…I thought…wait…

I’m sorry. Do you Asshole Fuckfaces seem to believe you are engaging in bipartisanship? Because you are actually engaged in dickishness. Right now I want to punch something, then explode. I now want to be tiny chunks of flesh covering my walls. It’s the only reasonable reaction to complete and total insanity.

Obama should just copy Orren Hatch’s letter from 2005.

Perish slowly. Thank you.

Next up, some Spanish Asshole Fuckfacery.

Spain. Wow. Not only do fans in their soccer stadiums make monkey noises when black players touch the ball, but they also have a bit of a problem with gay people.

Isaac Ali Dani Peréz Triviño and Julio Anderson Luciano were a gay couple living together in the Spanish province of Vigo. On January 13th, 2006, they met an Asshole Fuckface named Jacobo Piñeiro Rial. Isaac worked at a gay bar, where Jacobo went to do some coke and have a few drinks. At the end of his shift, Isaac invited Jacobo back to the couple’s apartment –– because he needed a place to stay. Julio arrived around 10:30.

After they went to bed, Jacobo decided to kill them at around 4 in the morning. He stabbed Isaac first, and then went after Julio, who he stabbed 24 times. Isaac barricaded himself the bedroom. But Jacobo broke in and stabbed Isaac 34 times, until he died. Jacobo tried to make it appear that a robbery had gone wrong, then set the house on fire. He was caught two days later, with a suitcase full of the couple's possessions.

His trial was this week and it went very well for him. He used the “I’m scared of gay people defense.”

The old double gay rape knife strip. Also known as “fiction.”

Look, if I do blow and get ripped for two days, I can kill what whomever I want. Know why? My judgment is all fucked up. That’s how blow works. Also, after almost being raped and murdered, I will always wash up in the shower and set the home on fire. That’s just how I roll.

Jacobo was acquitted of the murders by the jury of Asshole Fuckfaces. Protests are planned tomorrow in Vigo, Madrid and Barcelona.

Finally, some epic Asshole Fuckface mothering.

Genine Compton was having a bitch of a morning. First she had to take the kids to school. Total bummer. Second, she had to feed the baby. Double bummer. So why not combine the two?

It’s called managing your time. So what if a tiny fender bender would crush that baby’s skull like a grape? Shit is getting done. Oh, hold on, I have a call.

Obviously, she was steering with her other breast. What is she supposed to do, not take the call? Let the baby go all hungry and shit? It’s called parenting.

Fuck yeah you will. Because you are mom of the year.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper