Asshole Fuckface Roundup #86
Today I am writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup from the jury assembly room in Burbank, California. It seems an appropriate place, considering so many Asshole Fuckfaces are awaiting their fate. Also, Im in Burbank, a pit of hideousness and heinousness. I cannot wait to declare some poor bastard guilty and recommend the death penalty no matter the crime. I am the ultimate juror. But before I send a criminal to their doom, I will present to you this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. They are a disturbing group. I have scoured the news of the world in order to find them, so you can mock their very existence. Im a very nice person. So, put on your favorite flight suit because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some spectacular Asshole Fuckfacery out of Colorado.
Meet Republican State Senator Scott Renfroe. He likey Jesus and no likey gays! While debating a gay rights bill on Monday, Scotty let loose with some delightful comments.
I'm not saying this (homosexuality) is the only sin that's out there. We have murder. We have all sorts of sin. We have adultery. And we don't make laws making those legal, and we would never think to make murder legal.
Um. Wait. Killing someone is the same as a dude blowing a dude? Really? Because in one case, someone is dead, gone from the planet, causing his family incredible pain, and in the other case, a dude is fantastically satisfied and probably needs a nap. So, I see a bit of a difference. Also, adultery is legal in a bunch of places. A bunch. Oh, and just being a homosexual isnt illegal.
Renfroe called homosexuality an "abomination" and an "offense to God" and argued that God created men and women so they would procreate.
Really? Why did he make the anus such an awesome thing to put your cock in? I mean, seriously, the anus is like a suitcase made for lugging around cock. Shouldnt God have put some little thorns in the rectum, or something? As it stands now, the anus seems to actually have been made for the cock, like beans and rice. Are you going to ban the combining of beans and rice next? I didnt think so. Oh, and as far as the procreate thing goes
if I slam my cock into a lady and empty my man juice in there, can I then put it into a fella? I mean, it has done its procreating and now needs a bit of a vacation. And what better place for a holiday than in a manus?
He compared the nuclear family structure to the Holy Trinity and, quoting the book of Genesis, said women had been created to be "helpers" for men.
Please say that to my wife. Please. Then cover your balls, you Neanderthal.
Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
Who doesnt love McDonalds? Well, me, actually. Id rather eat turds. And I do. But that has nothing to do with this tale of horror. Last summer, Nigel Hasket was working at a McDonalds in Little Rock, Arkansas, when he noticed a male customer punching a female customer in the face. Now, Nigel realized very quickly that such activity does not jive with the Im Loving It slogan. She was clearly not loving It. So, Nigel intervened and threw the punch-happy Perry Kennon out and blocked the door.
Kennon went to his car, returned with a gun, and shot Haskett multiple times. Haskett staggered back into the restaurant and collapsed.
Well, now nobody was Loving It.
Keenon was arrested and charged with first-degree battery. Thankfully, Nigel survived. He has had three surgeries and racked up over 300K in medical bills. Naturally, McDonalds would rather not pay any of that.
Fast food giant McDonald's has denied workers compensation benefits to a minimum wage employee who was shot when he ejected a customer who had been beating a woman inside the restaurant.
A representative of the administrator for McDonald's workers' compensation plan explained that "we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett's injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment."
McDonalds: Where Beating Your Woman Is Super Cool.
Next up, more corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
Working for a bank these days seems a bit like being a Viking in the old days. Just raping and pillaging your day away, without a thought about the horrible things you are doing. Take the good folks from Northern Trust, a Chicago-based bank. Last year, they received $1.6 billion clams of prime US grade money from the government. And this week, they had a kick-ass west coast party.
Northern Trust flew hundreds of clients and employees to L.A. and put many of them up at some of the fanciest and priciest hotels in the city. We're told more than a hundred people were put up at the Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills, and another hundred stayed at the Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel. Still more stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Marina Del Rey and others at Casa Del Mar in Santa Monica.
Oh, theres more. This party is just getting started.
Wednesday, Northern Trust hosted a fancy dinner at the Ritz followed by a performance by the group Chicago.
I think that may have actually been a punishment for some employees.
Thursday, Northern Trust rented a private hangar at the Santa Monica Airport for dinner, followed by a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire.
Saturday, Northern Trust had the entire House of Blues in West Hollywood shut down for its private party. We got the menu -- guests dined on seared salmon and petite Angus filet. Dinner was followed by a performance by none other than Sheryl Crow.
There was also a fabulous cocktail party at the Loews. And how's this for a nice touch: Female guests at the Chicago concert all got trinkets from... Tiffany and Co.
Northern Trust also sponsored a golf tournament this weekend. They arent disclosing how much of the $6.3 million dollar purse they covered, or the operating costs. Thankfully, the bank is run by financial geniuses.
Northern Trust laid off 450 workers in December, 4% of its workforce.
But their sacrifice paid for a kick ass weekend, so its a win-win.
A rep for the bank acknowledges they paid for the events, but that the bailout money did not pay for the events. He claims it was paid out of the bank's operating expenses.
Oh, no. See, you are mixed up. We paid for this out of a different pile of money. You are thinking of the other pile of money. This sweet vacation came from the money with a different name on it. I understand your confusion.
Does Tiffanys make diamond encrusted guillotines?
Finally, lets head back to Colorado for more Asshole Fuckfacery.
Colorado, what up? When did you become the Asshole Fuckface capital of the United States? First we had Scott babbling about gays and their perceived naughtiness and now we have Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis opening his dumb hole about HIV and how the ladies love fuckin.
Yesterday, a bill was rolling through the Colorado Legislature that would require HIV tests for pregnant women. Everyone seemed to think this was a good idea except Dave. He crawled out of his hate hole and blurted out this gem.
HIV stems from sexual promiscuity and he didnt think the Legislature should remove the negative consequences that take place from poor behavior and unacceptable behavior.
Fuck yeah, bro! Why should a child not come into the world with HIV because mommy was a-fuckin? Lord knows there is no other way for a woman to get sweet HIV. She certainly wouldnt get it if her husband was banging every dude at a rest stop, without her knowledge.
What this bill will do and why its so important to test the woman when she is pregnant if she is HIV-positive, treatment is started immediately to protect the baby, the unborn baby, the Thornton Democrat, who is also a nurse, said.
Fuck you, hippy! Go back to your land of cocks, whore!
Look, maybe we are all jumping to conclusions. Maybe, Dave is just a bit confused and he doesnt want babies born with AIDS or HIV. He took the night to think about it and has issued a more clear statement.
What Im hoping is that, yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior.
Oh. My. God. AIDS baby = punishment for excessive fucking. Jesus would be super into this stance.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper
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Comments
beuys
Christmas Island
February 2009
FEB 28, 2009 10:24 AM
sick
Minneapolis, MN
June 2003
FEB 28, 2009 10:38 AM
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