Asshole Fuckface Roundup #85
Hello, Minions. It’s been an entire and brutal week since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup, which means you have spent 6 days in a vacuous wasteland. Thankfully, I am here to remedy the situation. Once again, I have scoured the world’s news to find the worst humans and I will now present them to you for mocking and a bit of vomiting. So, put on your favorite leather apron because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some impressive Utahan Asshole Fuckfacery.
They really make some awesome specimens up in Utah. This week’s Asshole Fuckface is State Senator Chris Buttars. You’re not going to believe this, but the guy with “Butt” in his name is a Republican –– and he hates gays. Shocking, I know.
A local Utah TV station got their filthy little mitts on a portion of an upcoming documentary about California’s Proposition 8, in which Chrissie makes some bold and inspiring statements.
To me, homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts! But I don’t care.
Nuts, I tell you! People almost act like Chrissie is saying something bad. It’s crazy!
They say, “I’m born that way.” There’s some truth to that, in that some people are born with an attraction to alcohol.
Totally fucking nailed it. Gay people are like drunks. Gay drunks are like pedophiles. Gay drunk pedophiles are priests. This logic goes on and on, forever. I think you get the point.
They’re mean! They want to talk about being nice — they’re the meanest buggers I ever seen. It’s just like the Moslems. Moslems are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side. And the gays are totally taken over by the radical side.
Indeed. Gays are flying their gay planes into our straight buildings. Frankly, it needs to stop.
I believe that you will destroy the foundation of American society, because I believe the cornerstone of it is a man and a woman, the family. … And I believe that they’re, internally, they’re probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of. Yep, the radical gay movement.
Word. I think we can all agree that if a man puts his penis into another man’s bottom, or takes another man’s cock into his sweet, wet mouth, our entire society will crumble. I don’t know how anyone can argue anything else. We need to especially keep on the look out for buddy-to-buddy cock rub parties. Once those take hold, you may as well fly this whole country into a building.
Next up, more crazy gay Asshole Fuckface fear in San Diego.
In 2007, four San Diego firefighters were “forced” to take part in a Gay Pride Parade. Apparently, it was a horrifying experience. So, firefighters Ghiotto, Allison, Kane and Hewitt sued the state for one million dollars each, claiming they were sexually harassed.
Aw, did the gay people think you were gay because you were wearing firefighter uniforms? Listen, gentlemen, you’re firemen. You don’t have to take part in a gay pride parade for me to think you’re gay.
Ghiotto, Allison, Kane and Hewitt were subjected to crude comments, vulgar actions and simulated sex acts.
Oh, noes! Did some gay guys blow kisses at you during a gay pride parade? How did you survive, you enormous fucking cowards?
The men claimed to have had unwanted sexual material delivered to their fire station after the event.
Oh, dear. Obviously we can’t have “material” being delivered via the mail. Someone’s got to pay for this!
Firefighters ordered to take part in a gay pride parade in California have been awarded damages after successfully suing San Diego city for sexual harassment.
The firefighters were awarded a combined total of $34,300.00 to compensate for lost earnings and emotional distress.
Cool, now we can officially call you queers. Sounds fair.
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famer returns!
Republican Representative Michele Bachmann is an example of what happens to people when they just read the one book. She can’t stop her mouth from spouting horrible words. This week was no different. Michele has apparently been doing quite a bit of thinking about the economic crisis we are facing and understands the problem.
"We're running out of rich people in this country."
Fuckin A. Somebody finally had the balls to say it. We are so short on rich people it is insane. It’s almost at the point where you don’t see a Lamborghini when you make a trip to the soup kitchen.
Was Michele done? Good God no. Her head is a cavern of endless dumb.
Many members of Congress have "a real aversion to capitalism."
Like, they totally don’t like it. Only Republicans likey capitalism. And Jesus. He was a huge fan of capitalism.
ACORN is under federal indictment for voter fraud, but the stimulus bill nevertheless gives ACORN $5 billion.
Wow. It’s a super double secret federal indictment, because no one else has even heard of it. It is astounding that a group dedicated to community organization would get stimulus money when it should obviously go to rich people –– which we are totally lacking.
The "Community-Organizer-in-Chief" is also orchestrating a conspiracy involving the Census Bureau, which the president will use to redraw congressional lines to keep Democrats in power for up to "40 years." When the host said he was confused, noting that congressional district lines are drawn at the state level, Bachmann said Obama's non-existent plan is an "anti-constitutional move."
And he’s going to turn all the nation’s unicorns into ducks! Oh, and having been a community organizer is a bad thing. You know, like Jesus Christ.
Finally, we’re going to close with some awesome Chinese Asshole Fuckfacery.
The economy is not doing so well in China, either. People are losing their jobs, people are losing their fortunes and some poor bastards are being forced to cut back on their mistresses.
A Chinese businessman, who has only been identified as Fan, was forced to pair down his five mistresses to just one. As I said, the economy is a bitch. Fan decided, because he is an Asshole Fuckface, the best way to deal with the layoffs was to hold a contest. Winner gets to keep fucking for rent.
He staged a private talent show in May, without telling the women his intentions. An instructor from a local modeling agency judged the women on the way they looked, how they sang and how much alcohol they could hold, the Shanghai Daily said.
Obviously, Fan is quite the gentleman. The first mistress eliminated was a woman known as Yu.
The judge knocked out Yu in the first round of the competition based on her looks.
Wow. That is really great. Warms the heart, doesn’t it? As a 29-year-old woman recently let go from her job as mistress, Yu was obviously upset, so she concocted a plan.
She decided to exact revenge by telling her lover and the four other women to accompany her on a sightseeing trip before she returned to her home province, the media reports said.
Oh, God, don’t let her drive…
One of the women, eliminated for her looks, drove the man and the four other competitors off a cliff.
First rule of Mistress Elimination Club –– don’t let eliminated women drive. Same goes for American Idol. And Tool Academy.
The spurned mistress died and the other passengers were injured, the reports said.
Well, I’m saddened to hear Fan did not die, but excited to learn who will win! Keep us posted, Fan!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.
Catch him Friday and Saturday at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco
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