These are exciting times for America. A new leader is rising out of the ashes and he could be dumber and brasher than anyone we’ve seen in quite some time. I’m referring to Eric Cantor, Virginia Republican and the GOP House Whip. I would not be surprised to learn that he feeds off brains of the mentally impaired to increase his special skills.

You may remember Cantor from last year, when he threw a tantrum because Nancy Pelosi was not nice to him and stuff during the bailout discussions.



What up, high school? I do love it when a Republican cries like a bitch about someone being partisan. It’s shockingly transparent, horribly ironic, only caters to the base and makes lawmakers like Cantor look like small, small children. This particular tantrum was a total failure, unless one wants to be mocked, in which case it was wildly successful.

Now Cantor is loving his role as the House Whip with the irrelevant party. He’s blowing his wad each and everyday, apparently. This weekend he made a kick ass You Tube video.



Congrats? I know it’s a spectacular achievement to not do anything, especially as a large group. Just the other day, some friends and I were going to go to dinner, then we decided not to. WIN! I quickly made a video using the song “We Are The Champions” by Queen.

This is the new Republican Party. They are seriously embracing the loserism. They have decided to brag, with music, about not doing anything. One of their new emerging leaders, Eric “Fuck No” Cantor, has decided the way to go over the next two years will be to do nothing. And do nothing hard fucking core.

Maybe Eric doesn’t remember 10 years ago, when Newt Gingrich shut the government down because he thought people were tired of the government working. Turned out people were not tired of the government working. Turned out when you just hang around with Republican blowhards, repeating the same points to each other over and over, you start to believe all America thinks that way. Then you try it out and, well, fail, because Americans don’t hate government. They just want it to work efficiently. When Newt shut down the government, he killed his career, so, why not emulate that?

The difference between Newt and Cantor is that Cantor appears to be far, far dumber. At least Newt was riding a Republican wave of success, as a GOP leader who helped take Congress back from Democrats. Cantor is just a shocking idiot who helped lead Republicans to epic losses and would very much like to dig a deeper hole. Americans just stated via their ballots that they are not as Conservative as Congressional Republicans. Cantor, naturally, thinks Republicans should now be more Conservative. Obama just kicked the living shit out of McCain, riding a wave of bipartisan hope. Cantor has decided to respond by being as uncooperative as possible. It’s actually quite stunning to witness, like watching the village idiot lick an electrical wire in slow motion.

Cantor has been open about the fact that he has decided to follow the Newt plan. Oh, and he’s been saying he is also going to follow the Winston Churchill plan.

Damn right. Winston fucking Churchill.

Oh. Oops. But, see, I’m a Republican and we just make shit up about history and go with it.

Expect to see more and more of this over the next two years.

Um. Yeah. Okay.

It’s cute. Too bad for guys like Cantor, the Internet exists. People will forever be reminded that he and his kind voted to add almost a trillion dollars of debt with the Bush tax cuts in 2001. Everyone knows Bush and the Republicans got us here.

I say, go Canter go. Do not do anything to give the American public the idea that Republicans understand the mistakes that have been made and can adapt accordingly. Nope. Just keep on this path and follow Little Newt. Cantor is the perfect man to lead today’s Republicans off a cliff, into a thresher, which will catch on fire, be hosed off, put into a dump truck, taken to land fill and buried.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper