Asshole Fuckface Roundup #84

I am writing this Asshole Fuckface Roundup on an aeroplane. I am in the sky, flying far above all the disgusting Asshole Fuckfaces in the US of A, while I write about their horrible activities. I will then place the Roundup on the newswire because I am flying on Virgin American, which has wifi on the FUCKING AIRPLANE. This, of course, makes all US airlines complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. I wish them luck in their future failure. Now, on to the mockery and assault on this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces.

First up, some Saudi Arabian Asshole Fuckfacery.

You know what’s awesome about religion? It allows you to be a pedophile. Pedophilia was pretty common and accepted behavior for Christian priests in Europe during medieval times, so why can’t the Muslims do it, since they are a good 500 years behind Christianity?

Saudi judge recently refused to annul a marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man -- a union apparently arranged by the girl's father to settle his debts -- a lawyer in the case told CNN.

I feel all warm and tingly. Mostly because I just shit myself and threw up at the same time. This is your standard, mother and father separate, and then father sells their 8-year-old daughter to an old man for cash. I think Muhammad would have totally dug this kind of shit.

According to the lawyer, the girl's father arranged the marriage in order to settle his debts with the man, who is "a close friend" of his.

Hey, bro, you know how you bought that car you can’t afford and that computer and that house and that camel? Well, I know an awesome way for you to get out of that –- speaking, of course, as one of your good friends. All you have to do is sell your own daughter to a pedophile. Then you’re totally OUT OF DEBT. Hello? I see no downside. Also, I'm the pedophile.

The judge did ask for a pledge from the husband, who was in court, not to consummate the marriage until the girl reaches puberty, according to al-Jutaili.

The judge ruled that when the girl reaches puberty, she will have the right to request a divorce by filing a petition with the court, the lawyer said.

Totally reasonable. You can finger her relentlessly until then, however.

Next up, some fantastic right wing Asshole Fuckfacing.

You probably have never heard of JoAnne Silver Jones. She’s an “anti-racist activist.”

Jones is an associate professor in the School of Human Services at Springfield College and director of the social work program. She has co-authored a paper titled, “Feminist Strategies for Teaching About Oppression” and was involved with “cross-cultural issues” including a 1999 incident at Amherst Regional High School where Puerto Rican students protested the school’s production of “West Side Story”.

She’s doing what she can to make the world a better place. Sadly, last month, she was mugged and beaten badly.

Jones was beat on her head, arms and hands with a brick by her African-American male assailant during the attack, according to long-time friend Patricia Romney. “He beat her face so badly that she was unable to open her eyes, and one eye socket was torn by the blows,” she said.

She’s still in the hospital undergoing several surgeries to repair her hands, eyes and face. So, why is this story in the Roundup? Well, check out what the awesome folks over at The Right Perspective have to say in their comments on this story.

Serves her right! Too bad the nìggers didn’t kill her earlier.

You can beat the idiots over the head and half to death they still don’t get it.

The only sad part of this story is that she is still alive. I wish she were raped also and plops out a little chocolate baby in 9 months which spits in her face.

Thanks for this post. I needed some good news today.

Well, you can’t say she didn’t get what she deserved. She reminds of the guy in Alaska who thought he could live with the bears, rangers found him and his dumb girlfriend in the bears belly. Anyone who can’t recognize that negroes are sociopaths ends up beaten/raped/robbed/murdered. It’s modern day evolution.

nigga vs. kike? So funny :)))) Jeah!!!!!

Do women like this become multi racial fans because they are spurned and rejected by white men at that age?

Okay, wait. That one's reasonable.

Swallow your fucking ego you fucking liberal bitch and learn to bat for the white race you witch … @$@!#$@!#%!@$#

On and on it goes. It is a spectacular display or heinous ignorance. Of course, just to the right of the comments is a quote from Barry Goldwater.

Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of Justice is no virtue.

Word up, Barry. Your followers are fucking awesome.

Next up, some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard to put into words just how shockingly pathetic our media is. Take the good people over at ABC. They wanted to point out the shocking hypocrisy of Obama criticizing Wall Street CEOs for abusing the bailout money by flying in expensive airplanes and giving away massive bonuses.

America's CEOs are coming under fire these days not just for their hefty salaries but also for their use of private jets, limos with drivers and free trips to posh resorts.

But they aren't alone in living this lavish lifestyle -- the president of United States gets all these perks and more.

Totally. The fucking preznit gets a house and shit. Which is, like, so fucked up. Why this asshole Obama isn’t paying rent, I’ll never know. Freeloader. And that’s not all.

The president makes $400,000 a year, but hasn't received a raise from Congress since 2001. He also gets a $50,000 annual entertainment expense account (any unused money at the end of the year must go back to the Treasury.)

What a douche. Getting paid a bunch of money to run the country.

Then there is the use of two private jets, Boeing 747s better known as Air Force One.

Okay, now I’m angry. Fly coach, you greedy fuck. Why is you sticking it to us taxpayers?

And of course the constant security details, drivers, a private chef, a country vacation estate and the rent-free use of a well-known, 132-room mansion called the White House.

I’m so angry right now. Security? We are paying for fucking security? What kind of bullshit is this? Can’t he pay fer it with his God damn $400,000? And how about you rent out of few of those rooms, dick?

How the fuck can this asshole say CEOs shouldn't buy $50 million dollar jets and try to restrict their salaries when he is the world’s biggest freeloader? Wake up, sheeple!

And finally, it’s more media Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our media is awesome. When faced with insanely important issues, like going to war in Iraq and our current economic crisis, they really step their shit up.

Media Matters for America review of the Sunday talk shows and 12 cable news programs from January 25 through February 8 found that during 139 1/2 hours of programming on Sunday mornings and weekday afternoons and evenings, of 460 total guest appearances in discussions about the economic recovery legislation and debate in Congress, only 25 were made by economists — a mere 5 percent.

Yeah, because we wouldn’t want people who have some sort of understanding of the issue to debate it. I mean, it’s only the biggest disaster we’ve faced since the Great Depression, so why have an informed discussion? Lets just stick with the politicians. And while we’re at it, let’s just stick with a certain type of politician.

Last week, ThinkProgress released a report showing that, in the debate over the House economic recovery bill on the five cable news networks, Republican members of Congress outnumbered their Democratic counterparts by a ratio of 2 to 1. The analysis tallied interview segments about the stimulus on CNBC, Fox Business, Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC during a three-day period, finding that the networks had hosted Republican lawmakers 51 times and Democratic lawmakers only 26 times.

Sure. I mean, why wouldn’t we want mostly to hear from the guys who led us into the Iraq War and whose policies led us to economic ruin? What could possibly be wrong with that? I mean, that totally won’t embolden a few “moderate” idiots who will cut stimulus without any economic reasoning for doing so.


Krugman today accused Nelson and his "centrist" Senate colleagues of "extracting a pound of flesh -- not, as far as anyone can tell, based on any coherent economic argument, but simply to demonstrate their centrist mojo."

Nelson responded:

"Well, y'know, I don't know where he's from, but I'll tell you, in Nebraska, $60 billion for education on top of $40 billion, that's a hundred billion. That's a pretty big commitment to education nationwide."

Totally fucking moronic. Nelson and Collins drew a random line in the sand and demanded that is what the stimulus should be. Apparently $890 billion is too much but $780 billion is totally fine. He and his kind cut down the stimulus because of random number fear. Literally random.



Thank God that guy had such a big influence on the stimulus. He’s not a fucking idiot at all.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.


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