Asshole Fuckface Roundup #83

This is a monumental day for the Roundup. We have moved to Friday. Not Saturday, as you heathens are accustomed to. I can only take it as a sign of the growing power and success of the Roundup. Asshole Fuckfaces beware. I, and my team (3 cats), will hunt you down using our keen skills and drag you into the light for all to mock. One of my cats is, as I write, attempting to find an Asshole Fuckface in the litter box. Wait. Scratch that. It seems my cat’s asshole has committed what I can only describe as heinous treachery. Speaking of heinous treachery and horrible segues, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is a doosey this week. People are horrible. Allow me to show you.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces do not use their vaginas responsibly.

Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old woman who decided to turn her vagina into a clown car. Up until last week, her vagina had produced a measly 6 children. “Why are you being so stingy, vagina?” she asked. “Fuck you,” said the vagina and this week showed her by producing 8 children. Eight. All at the same time. From one uterus.

Did I mention Nadya is unemployed? How great is that? Did I mention her parents sold their house to buy her a house to put the previous six kids in? Did I mention her parents then declared bankruptcy? Did I mention she had to undergo in vitro fertilization? Yeah, turns out the human body is not meant to produce eight babies at once. The way God planned it, if you were pregnant with eight children, you were supposed to bleed to death in a cave. But, not anymore! Now you can create eight precious welfare recipients.

Nadya Suleman, who describes herself as a “professional student” living off education grants and parental money, broke up with her boyfriend before the birth of her first child seven years ago.

Thank God there isn’t a fella in the picture.

The identity of the octuplets’ father remains unknown, but local reports suggest they were conceived with frozen sperm donated by a friend she met while working at a fertility clinic. He is the father of her twins, born two years ago.

What a pal. He should get some sort of good friend award.

Angela Suleman said her daughter always had trouble conceiving and underwent in vitro fertilization treatments because her fallopian tubes are "plugged up."

Wait, God actually plugged her up, like a sink. He stuffed endless rags down there to stop the flow. Yet, it didn’t take. Yay, modern medicine!

It turns out Nadya had a plan after giving birth to her volleyball team: She wanted to work with Oprah as a childcare expert.

Nadya Suleman, 33, plans a career as a television childcare expert, since it emerged last week that she already had six children before giving birth on Monday.

Um, no. To be a childcare expert, you can’t be crazy. It turns out just having eight babies cut out of your torso, like rancid spleens, does not make one an expert. People actually think it's bad form and quite creepy.

It looks like Nadya Suleman, the 33 year-old single mother who gave birth to octuplets last week in California, won't be getting all the fame and glory she reportedly has hoped to get. It turns out that the controversy and outrage over her actions of using in vitro fertilization to implant eight embryos when she already had six children is turning people against her. Companies and organizations aren't rushing to supply her with endorsements, free food, and free supplies like she may have anticipated.

Bummer. Maybe the Asshole Fuckface doctor who agreed to implant all those eggs should have to pick up the cost.

Next up, Asshole Fuckface habits are hard to break.

Things seemed pretty awesome last Wednesday in Molo, Kenya. An oil tanker was passing through town, when it overturned on the highway. Sweet black gold!

The tanker overturned along a highway spilling gallons of gas, which hundreds of residents rushed to scoop up, said Titus Mung'ou of the Kenyan Red Cross.

"People were lining up trying to get the fuel," he said. "They were siphoning off petrol for over an hour. Some people had drilled holes in the tanker and were charging a fee for the assembled crowd."

It’s like a gift from God! Now, if there were only an Asshole Fuckface around to ruin the whole thing.

The vehicle exploded about an hour later, apparently after one of the residents lit a cigarette.

Jesus Christ, haven’t you ever seen The Birds? If that guy were still alive he would forever be known as the town Party Bummer. But, he’s dead and so are 100 other people. 117 more were wounded. All because Asshole Fuckface couldn’t wait another minute for a smoke?

There was also suspicion someone angered at being blocked by police may have started the fire on purpose.

Um. Wow. Bitter much?

Next up, some Boy Scout Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, the Boy Scouts. They teach our kids morals, like gays are bad. They also are a bunch of money-grubbing dicks. In 1947 conservationist Virgil McCracken gave the Scouts 400 acres of land in Idaho. He wanted them to turn it into a giant Boy Scout Camp.

McCroskey specified how the scouts should use the land when he deeded it in 1947: "for camp and recreational purposes, the site to be known as Virgil Talmadge McCroskey Camp."

Nice. A place for kids to go and experience nature. Or, a place for loggers to go to cut down trees.

Rarely used for camping, the land instead has become a moneymaker for the Inland Northwest Council of Boy Scouts. Over the past 35 years, the council has repeatedly logged the property, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars.

What kind of badge to you receive for fucking over a dead guy?

Council officials interpret McCroskey's deed to mean they can log the land, so long as revenues are spent on anything related to "recreational purposes."

Um. No.

Like McCroskey, many donors nationwide have given land to local scout councils, thinking they'd be preserved or used by boys for outdoor activities. While some gave properties with little more than a handshake, others wrote deed restrictions meant to require councils to conserve the land.

But a Hearst Newspapers investigation found that in dozens of cases, scouting councils have logged or sold such donated properties, sometimes going to court to overturn deed restrictions that might otherwise have interfered, records show.

Stay classy, Boy Scouts.

Finally, one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time.

Samira Jassam, 51, is a super religious Iraqi lady. She is also a Sunni Arab and is all about doing the wrong thing.

A woman suspected of recruiting more than 80 female suicide bombers has confessed to organizing their rapes so she could later convince them that martyrdom was the only way to escape the shame.

Wow. My barf just threw up. Yes, you read that correctly.

In a prison interview with the Associated Press — with interrogators nearby — she said that she helped to organize the rapes of young women and then stepped in to persuade the victims to become suicide bombers as their only escape from the shame.

And now she is one of the worst people to ever walk the Earth. Although, Samira did not convince all of the victims to blow themselves up.

Major-General al-Moussawi said: "She confessed to training more than 28 female suicide bombers, all of whom conducted operations in different parts of Iraq."

So, that leaves around 52 who are just living as victims of rape – unless of course they killed themselves or were killed by their family.

People like Samira should not be executed. She should be put into a cell that is covered in the skin of pigs and has a foot of pig’s blood on the floor. But that’s just me. I have a weird sense of justice.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


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