Asshole Fuckface Roundup #82
As I sit in my moist anti-Asshole Fuckface fort, which is made out of wood and the cries of children, I am weeping. I weep as I read all of the Asshole Fuckfacery occurring in the world. Also, my father will not stop sending me emails about global warming being a myth. The whole thing has me wondering if I am actually his child. Could something so awesome come from something so disturbed? It’s a question Asshole Fuckface researchers will be asking for centuries. But I must work beyond this internal suffering because I have a task at hand. So many count on me to scour the news and find the worst of the worst. Without me, your lives would not have meaning. So put on your favorite burlap vest and pants combo, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some good old fashioned Taliban Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember the Taliban? They used to be our friends. As a matter of fact, way, way back in May 2001, George W. Bush gave the Taliban $43 million. I wonder how they used that money? Anyway, now the Taliban have moved into Pakistan, for the most part. And things are going very well for them, which means things are not going well for humans known as females. The Taliban has pretty much taken over the Swat Valley, which means no schools and no music and no…um…banknotes.
The Pakistani Taliban dumped the 27 bodies at a crossroads in the district capital of Swat, all of people whom the militant Islamists accused of having led "un-Islamic" lives. Around the body of a dancer, the killers threw banknotes and DVD recordings of her performances.
Swat, a 3,500-square-mile valley, was Pakistan's favorite honeymoon spot, a mountainous area filled with fruit orchards and rushing streams. Now it's under a reign of terror that a yearlong army operation has proved unable to lift. Most of Swat is now under the extremists' control, locals say.
Yay! War on Terror fail! A couple of weeks ago, the Taliban banned schooling for girls. And they are pretty serious about it.
The Islamic extremists blew up eight more schools, six in Mingora, which had been thought to be the safest place in Swat. The insurgents have destroyed at least 186 government schools.
That's a promising sign for the future.
In recent weeks, residents who have crossed the TTP have been strung-up from trees, beaten, or had their shops destroyed while markets have been ruled “no go” areas for women.
Right. We can’t have women shopping now, can we? The Taliban have also destroyed 80 video shops, 22 barbershops and 20 bridges. Thank God the CIA helped create them and we moved the war to Iraq before we accomplished anything in Afghanistan. This is all going to end so well.
Next up, our own little Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.
Now, our Taliban is not as bad as the actual Taliban, mostly because they can’t get away with the same horrible stuff. But if they could, they would. For now, they just focus on the horror of teenage lesbians.
A California appeals court ruled Monday that a Christian high school can expel students perceived to be lesbians, upholding a 2008 lower court ruling that there were "no triable" elements to the case.
Wow. So. Huh. I am at a loss on this one. I can actually think of nothing better in high school that 16-year-old lesbians, but I guess I’m crazy.
Kudos to the court for making discrimination okey-dokey. Next up, we should allow businesses to fire people of Romanian ancestry. Seriously. Are you okay working with vampires? I know I’m opposed on moral, religious and because I’m alive grounds. Also, my blood is super tasty, like a honey baked ham. So, let’s do it. We need to stop vampires, as well as 16-year-old lesbians.
Next up, some automobile maker Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember, way, way, way back in December 2008, when Congress gave automakers a bailout? And remember how some Democratic members of Congress wanted to attach a provision that would stop those companies from suing states to prevent stricter fuel efficiency standards? And to get the deal done, Democrats had to give in the Republicans? Well, how well did that turn out?
Automakers Rep: We'll Keep Suing
In a telephone interview this morning, Charles Territo, a spokesman for the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, which is a party to two of the lawsuits now in federal court, said that the association had no intention of altering its strategy just because some of its members had recently received billions in public money.
“Keep in mind that the money that was given was one to two manufacturers [GM and Chrysler]," he said. "And all manufacturers have opposed the standards. Those lawsuits were brought by the entire industry, to protect the longstanding federal law that says that fuel efficiency standards should be set at the federal level and not by individual states.”
Awesome. So, they are using taxpayer money to sue…taxpayers. Fantastic no strings with the money fail. That’s what a Bush presidency gets you.
It should be noted that the auto manufacturers have so far lost all the cases that have gone to trial. They have appealed those decisions.
And it’s a total waste of money. Surprise.
Finally, some really cold Asshole Fuckfacery.
Isn’t it awesome that we live in a country that allows people to freeze to death if they can’t pay their bills? How great does that make you feel?
A 93-year-old man froze to death inside his home just days after the municipal power company restricted his use of electricity because of unpaid bills, officials said.
Swell with pride. Enjoy your FREEDOM!
Marvin E. Schur died "a slow, painful death," said Kanu Virani, Oakland County's deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.
Fucker owed Bay City Electric Light & Power money. It’s called paying your way, bitch. He owed over $1000. That’s a lot of money.
Now, obviously, the company feels quite bad and they want to do everything possible to avoid such situations in the future. To this end, Bay City's Manager Robert Belleman had some advice:
"I've said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors," Belleman said. "When they think there's something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department."
Um. Yes, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. This is totally a neighbor thing. You should not, in any way, have to make sure people’s lives are not at risk when you cut off their heat in the dead of winter.
Finally, I’d like to point out that this fucker should have gotten a job instead of sitting around his house all day being old.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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