The right wing has had a jerk off torture fantasy going for the past 7 years. Despite all contrary evidence, they believe we have Jack Bauers running about, saving us on a daily basis. Sadly, they don't have any facts to back up their masturbatory thoughts of human suffering. And now Barack Obama has done the unthinkable! With his pen, Obama eliminated torture and US torture camps. Naturally, the right wing can’t believe this is happening. I mean, has the president seen the fictional show 24? This shit is going down all the time!

Meanwhile, there are many people, myself included, who would like Bush and members of his administration prosecuted for war crimes. The right disagrees.They want to go back to the old ways. Check out Kit Bond last week.



Since torture is a war crime and is clearly illegal, these men should not be allowed to debate torture while using new, exciting words to describe it. They should be scolded and asked only one question: “Which of Jesus’ teachings support torture?” That would end of discussion rather quickly. And you can follow with, “Whom would Jesus torture?”

Many of these idiots think we are constantly in danger like in the fictional show 24. They repeatedly bring up 24 and the ticking time bomb scenario. Did I mention 24 is a fictional show? As in “Made up.” “Written.” “Not real.” But time after time, they claim the ticking clock scenario is why we need to torture.

Here’s how events transpire in the real world.

BOOM.

"Whoa. We should find out who did that."

or

"We’re going to blow some shit up."

"When?"

"In a year."

"You’re busted."

"Why?"

"You were talking about it for like a year."

Not much happens between those two scenarios, but the right wing would like you to believe the NOT REAL show 24[i/] is real. So, in celebration of the right wing thought process, I would like to introduce you to 10 television scenarios we, as Americans, need to pretend are real. It’s a list! The Internet loves lists! It’s the Internet’s first hacky formula and I’m embracing it! You don’t have to mess with transitions and idiots can easily grasp the body of your message! Yay! Lists!

1. Three’s Company: If we just tell all the terrorists we are gay, then we will be able to live here without them bothering us. As long as the Taliban isn’t working on the plumbing in the bathroom down in Mexico and they don’t hear our conversation about a girl we are dating through a pipe, all will be well. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it is as plausible and realistic as the ticking time bomb scenario. That makes it awesome!

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Obviously, we have to keep the Hellmouth closed. That means we have to ward off blood sacrifices on the seal. To do that, we have to make sure a girl can kill people in the streets. Just one girl per town, mind you. Strangely, a Hellmouth opening is more plausible than the 24 ticking time bomb scenario. Go figure.

3. Lost: We need to begin life saving surgery on powerful people, then stop in the middle and make demands. If people don’t do what we want, we let the patient die. Totally effective and happens all the fucking time. Do not outlaw this Obama, as it happens all the time and the CIA has saved tons of lives.

4. The Shield: Why can’t cops use hand grenades to kill other cops? I’ve been asking this question since the War on Terror began and I still don’t have a reasonable answer. As a tactic, it is comparable to the ticking time bomb scenario torture in effectiveness. How would a cop killing another cop with a hand grenade save us from terrorists? Obviously, that’s classified. But it needs to happen.

5. Star Trek: We build a Doomsday Machine that moves around the universe destroying plants. Why is that not happening and why is it not legal? One question: If a Doomsday Machine destroyed the planet would there be terrorism? The answer is “no.” Let’s make this shit happen. Commodore Decker was onto something, just like Jack Bauer.

6. Battlestar Gallactica: Tell me again why we can’t rape Cylons? That’s what I though; you don’t have an answer. It’s the only way to get information out of them –– even though it doesn't work.

7. Heroes: We should be allowed to set people on fire and freeze others to death. Imagine creating a show where you had one person able to create fire and another ice and you don’t have them battle. What an epic failure of a show runner you would be. Just that one example shows the inherent flaws in the creator’s ability to mine his characters for dramatic effect. Anyway, setting people on fire to get info would really help with terrorists. At least that’s what right wing lunatics think. I know this because they also think people like Jack Bauer are real.

8. Soap: No scenario here, I just wanted you tools to know that Arrested Development was a stolen idea.

9. WKRP: Throw live turkeys out of helicopters. I have no idea how this would be used to save lives, but it seems a bit more exciting and as applicable as what happens in 24.

10. Mama’s Family: Seriously. Make terrorists watch it. Over and over.

So, there are ten scenarios or tactics that can be used to save us from terrorists. Like 24, they are totally made up and therefore we can pretend like they will save us from bad people.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.