Asshole Fuckface Roundup #81

Here we are again, staring another Asshole Fuckface Roundup in the face. Don’t be scared. Several Asshole Fuckfaces were sent to obscurity this week, rarely to be heard from again. Henceforth, all we will hear from the Asshole Fuckface administration is occasional whining and complaining. That’s a lot better than the in your face stupidity we’ve been subjected to for 8 years. Sadly, Asshole Fuckfaces still exist. They are still quite active and it is still my job to point them out to you, so that you may mock them. Someone has to do it. So, put on your most fluid resistant moccasins, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface baking.

People who live in New York City think it is the greatest place on Earth. I lived there for five years. I disagree, mostly because the city has an astounding number of fucking idiots running about. It is a cornucopia of Asshole Fuckfaces. Take Ted Kefalinos, baker and owner of Lafayette French Pastry in Greenwich Village. Ted decided to celebrate our new president’s inauguration by baking some “Drunken Negro Head” cookies.

A shocked customer tells My Fox NY that Ted Kefalinos, proprietor of Lafayette French Pastry, asked her, "Would you like some drunken negro heads to go with your coffee? They're in honor of our new president. He's following in the same path of Abraham Lincoln; he will get his."

Um. So. You. Eh.

The name of the cookies seems to change. Sometimes Ted calls them Drunken Negro Cookies and other times he calls them Drunken Nigger Cookies. And no one has burned down his store. Strange. But Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

"I called them Drunken Negro Heads. What's the problem with that?"

I said, Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

My brother-in-law, he's Cuban, so I like everybody.

Well, since your now horribly ashamed sister married a Cuban fella, you should be able to make any racist cookie you want. Please send me some Stingy Kike Puffs and a few Dirty Spicwhiches

Four years of this shit, at least.

Next up, some fantastic military Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our military is awesome. Not only do they make our soldiers fight on and on and on with no break, but they also charge them for uniforms and stuff.

"I'm so proud to be in the military...at the same time I just could not believe that when I got back after sacrificing so much that I owed the Army money," the soldier said.

This soldier got a bill for about $500 dollars for lost gear. Another soldier had to pay nearly $800 dollars for items such as trousers, a coat, a helmet which he lost during a year spent in some of Iraq's most dangerous towns.

Since when did working in the military become like working at Taco Bell?



I don’t know how these guys could misplace any gear in a war situation. Don’t they check to make sure they have all their stuff?

"Maybe you were lying down with a coat behind your head and you come under fire. Your first reaction isn't to grab coat fold it neatly and make sure it's properly stowed when you're being shot at," another soldier said.

Oh, right. IT’S A FUCKING WAR.

These two soldiers asked us to cover their faces because they're considering making a career of the military. They say the bills are a blow to morale.

You don’t say.

And in this letter, an uncle details how when his nephew handed in his Army uniform after returning home from Iraq, "they made him pay for parts of it because it was blood stained during combat along the Syrian border."

Honestly, it was careless. And he could have gotten it dry-cleaned. How about a little respect for the uniform? You don’t see me walking around in a blood-covered suit, do you?

Next up, some Democratic Leadership Asshole Fuckfacery.

Harry Reid may be the most useless, pathetic Democrat in the country. The man is a walking fool and is not afraid to show it.

Obama started his campaign promise to limit lobbyist’s access to government. He announced government employees leaving their positions could not lobby the department they left for two years. That was apparently a bit much for “I don’t know what in the fuck I am doing” Harry. This week he explained his door will remain wide open for all lobbyists.

“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” said Reid. “And Obama will be meeting with them too.” When asked to clarify his remarks, given Obama’s promises to change that part of Capitol culture, Reid responded that lobbyists are part and parcel of the job.”

He must have missed that year long campaign thingy.

“People should understand that lobbyists, per se, are someone’s father, mother, son, daughter,” said Reid. “They work for a living."

Aw. Da poor wittle wobbyists. I so feel for them and their buying of the government. They work so very hard. What the fuck are you thinking?

The Democratic leader’s sons and a son-in-law have worked as lobbyists.

Shocking. But, hey, at least his kids aren’t rapists, or this might be really awkward. Harry needs to go.

Next up, some “I didn’t learn from recent history” Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember when the record industry went after kids who downloaded songs? Remember how that was a total failure and caused a massive backlash amongst kids who purchase music? Remember how the record industry put up the white flag and surrendered on the lawsuits? That seems like so many couple of years months days ago.

Now the movie industry has decided to do the same thing, but with a dash of worse thrown in. RealDVD is a relatively new product that lets people save the DVDs they own to their computers. The DVD will only play on your computer.

The DVDs that you save will play only on your computer with the License Key purchased, it does not break the encryption code on the DVD, and you cannot burn disks from the DVD upload that you make.

So, you own it, which means you can play it the devices you want, right? The program does not harm the movie industry because users still have to buy the DVD and can’t rip them. If you think about it, it’s exactly the type of technology the movie industry should embrace, right? Nope.

In September 2008, the motion picture industry sued RealNetworks over its RealDVD software, which was designed to allow consumers to copy their DVDs to their computers for later playback. Real had obtained a license from DVD-CCA for its software, apparently relying on earlier court rulings in the DVD-CCA v. Kaleidescape case, where a California state court ruled that Kaleidescape's licensed digital DVD jukebox was within the scope of the DVD-CCA license.

Welcome to Epic Fail 2, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


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