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  • SATURDAY JANUARY 24 2009 6:00 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #81

Submitted by FearTheReaper

Edited by nicole_powers

Tags: Harry Reid, Drunken Negro Cookies, MPAA

Here we are again, staring another Asshole Fuckface Roundup in the face. Don’t be scared. Several Asshole Fuckfaces were sent to obscurity this week, rarely to be heard from again. Henceforth, all we will hear from the Asshole Fuckface administration is occasional whining and complaining. That’s a lot better than the in your face stupidity we’ve been subjected to for 8 years. Sadly, Asshole Fuckfaces still exist. They are still quite active and it is still my job to point them out to you, so that you may mock them. Someone has to do it. So, put on your most fluid resistant moccasins, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface baking.

People who live in New York City think it is the greatest place on Earth. I lived there for five years. I disagree, mostly because the city has an astounding number of fucking idiots running about. It is a cornucopia of Asshole Fuckfaces. Take Ted Kefalinos, baker and owner of Lafayette French Pastry in Greenwich Village. Ted decided to celebrate our new president’s inauguration by baking some “Drunken Negro Head” cookies.

A shocked customer tells My Fox NY that Ted Kefalinos, proprietor of Lafayette French Pastry, asked her, "Would you like some drunken negro heads to go with your coffee? They're in honor of our new president. He's following in the same path of Abraham Lincoln; he will get his."



Um. So. You. Eh.

The name of the cookies seems to change. Sometimes Ted calls them Drunken Negro Cookies and other times he calls them Drunken Nigger Cookies. And no one has burned down his store. Strange. But Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

"I called them Drunken Negro Heads. What's the problem with that?"



I said, Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

My brother-in-law, he's Cuban, so I like everybody.



Well, since your now horribly ashamed sister married a Cuban fella, you should be able to make any racist cookie you want. Please send me some Stingy Kike Puffs and a few Dirty Spicwhiches

Four years of this shit, at least.

Next up, some fantastic military Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our military is awesome. Not only do they make our soldiers fight on and on and on with no break, but they also charge them for uniforms and stuff.

"I'm so proud to be in the military...at the same time I just could not believe that when I got back after sacrificing so much that I owed the Army money," the soldier said.

This soldier got a bill for about $500 dollars for lost gear. Another soldier had to pay nearly $800 dollars for items such as trousers, a coat, a helmet which he lost during a year spent in some of Iraq's most dangerous towns.



Since when did working in the military become like working at Taco Bell?

    Um, listen. I realize you just fought in a ridiculous, horribly planned war and we didn’t give you the proper armor and stuff, but can we have those pants back? You don’t have the pants? Seriously, we’re not kidding. We really need the pants. We’ve only got one pair for each dude and we need all of them.



I don’t know how these guys could misplace any gear in a war situation. Don’t they check to make sure they have all their stuff?

"Maybe you were lying down with a coat behind your head and you come under fire. Your first reaction isn't to grab coat fold it neatly and make sure it's properly stowed when you're being shot at," another soldier said.



Oh, right. IT’S A FUCKING WAR.

These two soldiers asked us to cover their faces because they're considering making a career of the military. They say the bills are a blow to morale.



You don’t say.

And in this letter, an uncle details how when his nephew handed in his Army uniform after returning home from Iraq, "they made him pay for parts of it because it was blood stained during combat along the Syrian border."



Honestly, it was careless. And he could have gotten it dry-cleaned. How about a little respect for the uniform? You don’t see me walking around in a blood-covered suit, do you?

Next up, some Democratic Leadership Asshole Fuckfacery.

Harry Reid may be the most useless, pathetic Democrat in the country. The man is a walking fool and is not afraid to show it.

Obama started his campaign promise to limit lobbyist’s access to government. He announced government employees leaving their positions could not lobby the department they left for two years. That was apparently a bit much for “I don’t know what in the fuck I am doing” Harry. This week he explained his door will remain wide open for all lobbyists.

“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” said Reid. “And Obama will be meeting with them too.” When asked to clarify his remarks, given Obama’s promises to change that part of Capitol culture, Reid responded that lobbyists are part and parcel of the job.”



He must have missed that year long campaign thingy.

“People should understand that lobbyists, per se, are someone’s father, mother, son, daughter,” said Reid. “They work for a living."



Aw. Da poor wittle wobbyists. I so feel for them and their buying of the government. They work so very hard. What the fuck are you thinking?

The Democratic leader’s sons and a son-in-law have worked as lobbyists.



Shocking. But, hey, at least his kids aren’t rapists, or this might be really awkward. Harry needs to go.

Next up, some “I didn’t learn from recent history” Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember when the record industry went after kids who downloaded songs? Remember how that was a total failure and caused a massive backlash amongst kids who purchase music? Remember how the record industry put up the white flag and surrendered on the lawsuits? That seems like so many couple of years months days ago.

Now the movie industry has decided to do the same thing, but with a dash of worse thrown in. RealDVD is a relatively new product that lets people save the DVDs they own to their computers. The DVD will only play on your computer.

The DVDs that you save will play only on your computer with the License Key purchased, it does not break the encryption code on the DVD, and you cannot burn disks from the DVD upload that you make.



So, you own it, which means you can play it the devices you want, right? The program does not harm the movie industry because users still have to buy the DVD and can’t rip them. If you think about it, it’s exactly the type of technology the movie industry should embrace, right? Nope.

In September 2008, the motion picture industry sued RealNetworks over its RealDVD software, which was designed to allow consumers to copy their DVDs to their computers for later playback. Real had obtained a license from DVD-CCA for its software, apparently relying on earlier court rulings in the DVD-CCA v. Kaleidescape case, where a California state court ruled that Kaleidescape's licensed digital DVD jukebox was within the scope of the DVD-CCA license.



Welcome to Epic Fail 2, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


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Homme

Homme

Los Angeles, CA
January 2009

JAN 24, 2009 10:58 PM

DevilsReject said:

Coyotemike said:

GrayRains said:

PlanBHorizon said:

Mankarlen said:
Have you ever served in the military? If not I thinking not. shut the FUCK up about the service they give our country BITCH!



Coming from the guy with an Everquest 1 Screenshot



Geeks serve in the military as well. I'm a geek who just finished 7 years of active duty, now National Guard. The military does recruit from all walks of life.

Whether or not this guy actually is military or not... meh...



He claims to be a 51 year old truck driver.



Have you ever driven a truck? If not i thinking not. shut the FUCK up about the service they give our country!



I applaud you, sir, but I do believe you've forgotten the "BITCH!"

Brighteyesgr

Brighteyesgr

Greece
January 2007

JAN 25, 2009 12:13 AM

MrCrisp said:

Coyotemike said:

FUCKING SAILORS.



do it for your country. laydeez?



I fully approve of this message.

PS: How can anyone bitch about the Navy and not mention the hated Donald Duck parade uniform. If that is getting replaced you should be ecstatic and not moaning about the cost.

cavalryguy

cavalryguy

Elizabethtown, KY
April 2006

JAN 25, 2009 12:16 AM

Jauregui said:
Well I KNOW for a fact we shouldn't be over there fighting this stupid ass war. Its pointless and just wasting money for this country. And to those who are complaining everyone has to remember that the military is a 100% VOLUNTEER fighting force so to all those lil bitches whining and complaining they can shut the fuck up. Yes the military will try and charge you for stupid shit here and there and is always just trying to use you and spit you out there are also benefits if you use them right. People have to remember that the military is filled with dumb fucks who are always complaining about some thing. I can't wait to get the fuck out and get my college degree but that doens't mean i dont' appreciate the job my battles do.

And remember just because the military is filled with DUMB FUCKS who had no other choice and joined to simply make a decent living, THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO JOINED UP BECAUSE THEY TRULY ARE PATRIOTS AND ARE PROUD TO SERVE THEIR COUNTRY AND LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES FOR YOU AND ME.

We should all be grateful for what they do regardless what they get told to do by our president(whomever he may be at the time) remember he sits in the white house all day he's never on the front lines with the soldiers.

p.s. and yes i'm a soldier 3rd IDzoom image



oh yeah gary owen?

ollie138

ollie138

USA
August 2004

JAN 25, 2009 12:40 AM

CrackSh0t said:
Woah, where did that come from, Mankarlen? Anyway... I'm in the military, and I'm very active outside the wire and have done all sorts of dumb shit.. I've lost uniform items, gear, and at one point an expensive optic. If you can prove that you lost the item under extreme circumstance, or a "combat loss" than you don't have to pay for it eeek . I think that if people sign out equipment and just lose it carelessly, they should be held responsible. The military isn't filled with prior boy scouts who all have a good sense of integrity. The military is filled with the complete opposite, as a matter of fact. People scam and steal from the military pretty often if given the opportunity. There has to be a good accountability program in place to prevent theft.

I would take stories like the army asking for a uniform with blood on it back with a grain of rice. If that really did happen, whoever it did happen to should have had enough sense to first of all buy a new uniform themselves (thats what uniform allowance is for) and two report the issue to the IG. But maybe the Army is different, I am in the Air Force.

During one patrol, I ended up covered in blood. That NIGHT our leadership had people setting me up new gear and putting together new uniforms for me.



Agreed. I was issued a lot of radio equipment, not only did I have to maintain it, lug it with me, lock up the crypto or destroy it, but it was my ass if it was lost. Then again it is crypto. People go to jail if they have an incident with that. But the point is that it was "my" radio. Accountable for it and a little bit of pride in "ownership" so to speak. I took care of it, and god knows it saved my ass plenty of times. When there was a catastrophic equipment failure on it, as long as i filed a report on it, there was never a problem, and I could go in and get a new one issued. However another RTO in my division failed to report a malfunction on his and grabbed another from supply, sans paper work. So he got in a little trouble. But he didn't have to pay the thousand of dollars to repair the old one. So, like you said, some of these stories, take with huge grain of salt.


JayPeeMiller

JayPeeMiller

Colorado Springs, CO
November 2008

JAN 25, 2009 12:59 AM

The Army is no different. I am deployed right now and as far as uniforms go we have excessive amounts. I brought out 8-10 pairs and while I have been out here for 14 months received 6 more brand new sets free of charge. If you get blood on your gear all you have to do is report it, your officers fill out the paper work, and that gear is burned, bloody gear is never an issue. Like crack shot said, take everything with a grain of salt, a lot of dudes in the military are amazing story tellers ha, and love attention. Most of the time the items that are lost and soldiers are charged for is usually because of soldier neglect and irresponsibility. I don't care what anyone says, I have worked with several different countries military in the two tours I have done in Iraq, we treat our soldiers better then most that is for sure. Some people are whiny bitches and for some reason they think they singed up for a vacation, its the military, suck it up. Go watch Band of Brothers and then try and complain pussies

emailmeat

emailmeat

Tacoma, WA
February 2007

JAN 25, 2009 01:39 AM

I have to agree w/ CrackSh0t on how accountability of equipment must be maintained. He is 100% correct on how the military is full of ppl w/ less than desired integrity. I am a medic w/ the Infantry and I am more than aware of how easily equipment can be lost and how uniforms can be destroyed. That's why one of the first things you do after you get back inside the wire is to notify your chain of command of your losses and damages so that they can record it and get you re-supplied. To do otherwise is just stupidity on the service member's part.

biffstiffman

biffstiffman

Killeen, TX
September 2008

JAN 25, 2009 02:46 AM

All I have to say is that every chance that the military gets to suck you back in they do. This is my third time to Iraq and it is getting harder and harder to get the gear and equipment we need to get the job done. Im not saying I dont have it its just that we have to share it with other people. If I am going to kick in a door on a house I want to know that I have everything there that I need to get the job done right and get my guys home safe. I have had to put too many friends in body bags and I dont want to do that anymore. And just to let everyone know not all units works that well to get the things that get lost from a deployment. Most of the time I have to go and get the stuff myself. I have been in for 8 years and finally just learned to do things for myself in order to make sure that I have everything I need as well as the guys that fall under me. Yes you must be responsible for you shit but at the same time if it means saving my jacket or saving my buddy what do you think i will pick. All I am saying is that there are two sides to every story and not every division, brigade, battalion, or company work the same. So to each their own.

cavalryguy

cavalryguy

Elizabethtown, KY
April 2006

JAN 25, 2009 03:44 AM

gary owen? anyone? and fuck you for complaining.. that's like bitching for someone cleaning up your oxygen. it was mine first anyways....

code_red

code_red

Portland, OR
July 2005

JAN 25, 2009 05:44 AM

Brighteyesgr said:

MrCrisp said:

Coyotemike said:

FUCKING SAILORS.



do it for your country. laydeez?



I fully approve of this message.

PS: How can anyone bitch about the Navy and not mention the hated Donald Duck parade uniform. If that is getting replaced you should be ecstatic and not moaning about the cost.



That uniform is a piece of tradition!

plus, Chicks dig the whites. smile

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

JAN 25, 2009 08:13 AM

code_red said:

Brighteyesgr said:

MrCrisp said:

Coyotemike said:

FUCKING SAILORS.



do it for your country. laydeez?



I fully approve of this message.

PS: How can anyone bitch about the Navy and not mention the hated Donald Duck parade uniform. If that is getting replaced you should be ecstatic and not moaning about the cost.



That uniform is a piece of tradition!

plus, Chicks dig the whites. smile



i prefer the blues myself. the whites look too much like pajamas (but they're coming up with a version that has piping like the blues). but brighteyes, we call them "crackerjacks". "donald ducks" were these flat covers that got discontinued all the way back in '63.

Reaver

Reaver

I'm lost
August 2003

JAN 25, 2009 08:05 PM

Hold this shit up.

I worked at a Taco Bell, and I threw my old uniforms away when I left, and they never charged me a red cent!

And the second time I worked there? I handed the fuckers back in complete with missing buttons, rips, tears, cuts and stains! And again no one hit me up for cash!

That is some bullshit!

And Harry Reid fucking sucks.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

JAN 25, 2009 11:25 PM

At least we know our government is more accountable than Taco Bell.....

Bird

Bird

SUICIDEGIRL

Nevada, USA

JAN 26, 2009 04:00 PM

oh jeeeez

Neur0tiK

Neur0tiK

Dallas, TX
September 2007

JAN 26, 2009 06:17 PM

I worked at a block buster once and they let me keep my manager uniforms smile

they are exaclty like the regular ones they just have the word manager stiched in them lol actually its more of just a shirt you have to supply the shoes n khakis

CrackSh0t

CrackSh0t

Vacaville, CA
January 2009

FEB 05, 2009 03:25 AM

stoopiddog said:
This uniform story just goes to show how the media tells half the story and wants to start an uproar among the discontents and the bleeding hearts.

There are many ways to not be charged for lost equipment providing it is not due to negligence. In any job, if you lose your equipment, your going to pay for it. The military at least gives allowances yearly for new uniforms. So in a way, those soldiers didn't have to pay, as long as they didn't waste their that money on something else.

The sick bastard showing off blood on his uniform isn't proving anything other then he's got problems. We get issued several new uniforms while in theater so there is no reason for that situation to happen. We in the military are trained professionals and dress and act like such. There is no reason to gloat over the lives taken no matter whose they are. He prolly sat in the S-1 shop the whole time and got blood on his uniform from a nose bleed. Went home and told everyone how many kills he had.



Good fight! hahahah

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