Here we are again, staring another Asshole Fuckface Roundup in the face. Don’t be scared. Several Asshole Fuckfaces were sent to obscurity this week, rarely to be heard from again. Henceforth, all we will hear from the Asshole Fuckface administration is occasional whining and complaining. That’s a lot better than the in your face stupidity we’ve been subjected to for 8 years. Sadly, Asshole Fuckfaces still exist. They are still quite active and it is still my job to point them out to you, so that you may mock them. Someone has to do it. So, put on your most fluid resistant moccasins, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface baking.

People who live in New York City think it is the greatest place on Earth. I lived there for five years. I disagree, mostly because the city has an astounding number of fucking idiots running about. It is a cornucopia of Asshole Fuckfaces. Take Ted Kefalinos, baker and owner of Lafayette French Pastry in Greenwich Village. Ted decided to celebrate our new president’s inauguration by baking some “Drunken Negro Head” cookies.

Um. So. You. Eh.

The name of the cookies seems to change. Sometimes Ted calls them Drunken Negro Cookies and other times he calls them Drunken Nigger Cookies. And no one has burned down his store. Strange. But Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

I said, Ted totally gets how some people could be offended.

Well, since your now horribly ashamed sister married a Cuban fella, you should be able to make any racist cookie you want. Please send me some Stingy Kike Puffs and a few Dirty Spicwhiches

Four years of this shit, at least.

Next up, some fantastic military Asshole Fuckfacery.

Our military is awesome. Not only do they make our soldiers fight on and on and on with no break, but they also charge them for uniforms and stuff.

Since when did working in the military become like working at Taco Bell?

Um, listen. I realize you just fought in a ridiculous, horribly planned war and we didn’t give you the proper armor and stuff, but can we have those pants back? You don’t have the pants? Seriously, we’re not kidding. We really need the pants. We’ve only got one pair for each dude and we need all of them.

I don’t know how these guys could misplace any gear in a war situation. Don’t they check to make sure they have all their stuff?

Oh, right. IT’S A FUCKING WAR.

You don’t say.

Honestly, it was careless. And he could have gotten it dry-cleaned. How about a little respect for the uniform? You don’t see me walking around in a blood-covered suit, do you?

Next up, some Democratic Leadership Asshole Fuckfacery.

Harry Reid may be the most useless, pathetic Democrat in the country. The man is a walking fool and is not afraid to show it.

Obama started his campaign promise to limit lobbyist’s access to government. He announced government employees leaving their positions could not lobby the department they left for two years. That was apparently a bit much for “I don’t know what in the fuck I am doing” Harry. This week he explained his door will remain wide open for all lobbyists.

He must have missed that year long campaign thingy.

Aw. Da poor wittle wobbyists. I so feel for them and their buying of the government. They work so very hard. What the fuck are you thinking?

Shocking. But, hey, at least his kids aren’t rapists, or this might be really awkward. Harry needs to go.

Next up, some “I didn’t learn from recent history” Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember when the record industry went after kids who downloaded songs? Remember how that was a total failure and caused a massive backlash amongst kids who purchase music? Remember how the record industry put up the white flag and surrendered on the lawsuits? That seems like so many couple of years months days ago.

Now the movie industry has decided to do the same thing, but with a dash of worse thrown in. RealDVD is a relatively new product that lets people save the DVDs they own to their computers. The DVD will only play on your computer.

So, you own it, which means you can play it the devices you want, right? The program does not harm the movie industry because users still have to buy the DVD and can’t rip them. If you think about it, it’s exactly the type of technology the movie industry should embrace, right? Nope.

Welcome to Epic Fail 2, Electric Boogaloo.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.